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Jan. 17, 2025

Freedom Friday: Breaking Generational Curses, Navigating Emotional Growth, and Embracing Freedom Through Faith and Leadership

Freedom Friday: Breaking Generational Curses, Navigating Emotional Growth, and Embracing Freedom Through Faith and Leadership
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Kinah Burkes shares her profound journey of emotional growth and the realization of the importance of vulnerability and authenticity. Through candid stories from her past, she reflects on her struggles with emotional immaturity, the pressure of expectations, and the significance of confronting one's personal truths to achieve true freedom and connection. 

• Kinah emphasizes overcoming and the importance of emotional maturity 
• The shift from familial support to navigating life independently 
• The culture shock experienced in college and its impact 
• The significance of recognizing emotional insecurities 
• Kinah transformative experience working at a casino 
• Building authentic relationships and the power of vulnerability 
• Redefining freedom through establishing boundaries 

Chapters

00:08 - Unlearning and Finding Freedom in Life

08:03 - Navigating Emotional Insecurity in College

20:30 - Overcoming Loss of Faith and Identity

28:52 - Journey to Personal Growth and Strength

40:54 - Pursuing Freedom Through Boundaries

56:10 - Discovering Freedom Through Obedience

01:11:38 - Navigating Leadership and Unlearning Together

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:08.451 --> 00:00:12.717
hello everybody and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.

00:00:12.717 --> 00:00:25.109
I am your host, ruth abigail aka ra, and this is freedom friday, where we come and share something we have unlearned recently and how it has made us just a little bit more free.

00:00:25.109 --> 00:00:29.265
And, folks, this is the new year.

00:00:29.265 --> 00:00:30.146
We're in 2025.

00:00:30.146 --> 00:00:33.973
And so I'm very excited in the new year to have a new guest.

00:00:33.973 --> 00:00:40.914
New guest, first time podcast, first time on a podcast and first time on the Unlearned podcast.

00:00:40.914 --> 00:00:43.381
We're very honored that this is your first podcast, kena.

00:00:43.381 --> 00:00:44.082
We're very, very honored.

00:00:44.103 --> 00:00:44.524
Unlearned Podcast.

00:00:44.524 --> 00:00:46.365
We're very honored that this is your first podcast, Kena.

00:00:46.365 --> 00:00:47.006
We're very, very honored.

00:00:47.006 --> 00:00:49.429
Ladies and gentlemen, this is my dear friend, Kena Burks.

00:00:49.429 --> 00:00:50.409
What's up, Kena?

00:00:51.030 --> 00:00:55.235
Hello Ruth, Hello everybody in Unlearned World, how are you?

00:01:00.979 --> 00:01:01.362
Man, this is awesome.

00:01:01.362 --> 00:01:01.762
Okay, so funny story.

00:01:01.762 --> 00:01:07.825
Me and Kena ran into each other out in the public a couple months ago and we got to talking and Keena just was sharing a little bit of her story and I said, keena, you need to be on the podcast.

00:01:07.825 --> 00:01:11.625
I didn't really technically ask her, I more so, just said this is what we need to do.

00:01:11.625 --> 00:01:14.801
And I felt bad because I do that a lot and I shouldn't do that.

00:01:14.801 --> 00:01:17.046
But she was like I'd love to.

00:01:17.046 --> 00:01:20.534
I was like, okay, cool, so this was so unexpected.

00:01:20.534 --> 00:01:35.611
I'm really, really excited for her to share some of the things she's been unlearning in her life, and I think could relate to a lot of things that you are unlearning or want to unlearn in this new year because, man, it's a good time to start.

00:01:35.611 --> 00:01:40.308
It's a good time to start your freedom journey and I think, kena, would you say that you're on a freedom journey?

00:01:41.469 --> 00:01:46.034
Oh, most certainly, ruth, just sidebar.

00:01:46.034 --> 00:01:56.153
One thing I've learned is when someone like Ruth Abigail says, hey, you need to do this, it's okay to submit, it's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

00:01:56.153 --> 00:01:58.506
I got to stop telling people what you can yield.

00:01:58.506 --> 00:01:59.989
You know what I'm saying.

00:01:59.989 --> 00:02:00.671
You can yield.

00:02:00.671 --> 00:02:04.406
Not everybody has the man.

00:02:04.406 --> 00:02:06.150
They don't have the reputation that you can yield.

00:02:06.150 --> 00:02:07.614
Not everybody has the man.

00:02:07.614 --> 00:02:08.937
They don't have the reputation that you can trust.

00:02:08.937 --> 00:02:11.003
Okay, I learned that Everybody don't got reputation.

00:02:11.366 --> 00:02:14.787
That's facts, man, I ain't gonna lie and I appreciate that and I would say the same for you.

00:02:14.787 --> 00:02:24.842
I gotta tell you, if you know me at all, you know I love Chick-fil-A and I used to see Keena regularly when she was working at Chick-fil-A.

00:02:24.842 --> 00:02:30.693
I still go to Chick-fil-A being like in my mind, thinking I'm going to see Kina pop up out that window.

00:02:30.693 --> 00:02:38.027
I know she had been there for years, but in my mind, because I go there so much, I remember seeing you so much there, it's crazy.

00:02:38.027 --> 00:02:51.881
So anyway, and I heard and no lie, I would hear from people who worked there and I could tell, because there's a particular Chick-fil-A if you in Memphis, this particular Chick-fil-A hasn't always had the best reputation, amen.

00:02:52.200 --> 00:02:58.014
So there was a time where I started to see a shift in how the operations were.

00:02:58.014 --> 00:03:10.215
And I promise you, keen, I'm not even trying to, I'm not trying to go smoke, I'm not trying to front, I promise you, when I, when I found out you were managing it, I said, oh, that makes sense and it really did change.

00:03:10.215 --> 00:03:11.923
So, genuinely.

00:03:11.923 --> 00:03:13.506
You know she talks about reputation.

00:03:13.506 --> 00:03:19.383
Man Like Kina has a reputation of high integrity, high leadership in this city.

00:03:19.383 --> 00:03:20.925
I've heard it from a lot of people.

00:03:20.925 --> 00:03:27.116
You know, we are in a lot of the same crowds, we know a lot of same people and I can vouch for her and so I'm excited.

00:03:27.116 --> 00:03:35.500
That's why I think your journey is so powerful, like because there are some things about you and what you've gone through.

00:03:35.500 --> 00:03:37.243
I'm not people, I'm not sure people would even know.

00:03:39.508 --> 00:03:47.020
It wouldn't have a clue, ruth, no idea, huh.

00:03:47.020 --> 00:03:47.602
So let's talk about it.

00:03:47.602 --> 00:03:48.305
Man, like us, I want to know.

00:03:48.305 --> 00:03:52.300
Uh, first of all, I just I want people to know who you are, kind of like what, how, what's brought you to this point?

00:03:52.300 --> 00:04:00.039
And then like, what is something that you weren't free from a year ago that you would say you're free from now?

00:04:01.020 --> 00:04:01.300
man?

00:04:01.300 --> 00:04:03.222
Um, so real quick.

00:04:03.222 --> 00:04:35.533
Like I was born and raised in Milwaukee, wisconsin, and my worldview up until the point that I moved to Memphis was that of overcoming.

00:04:35.533 --> 00:04:37.959
You must overcome.

00:04:37.959 --> 00:04:41.927
No matter what my family and I faced, we went through it together.

00:04:41.927 --> 00:04:46.254
The mission was to get through it, okay, to overcome it.

00:04:46.800 --> 00:04:50.110
I was your star student athlete with signs of ADHD.

00:04:50.110 --> 00:05:01.668
Shout out to my mother she had always knew how to channel my energy and my extreme high levels of energy into productivity activity.

00:05:01.668 --> 00:05:07.194
I participated in most of your school clubs.

00:05:07.194 --> 00:05:23.350
Anything they offered I was a part of from an award-winning athlete, chief editor of the yearbook club, lead attendance assistant in high school, everything you could think of, afterschool, college prep programs.

00:05:23.350 --> 00:05:27.817
I traveled all the time from age you know, was that 14?

00:05:27.817 --> 00:05:29.120
Until the end of high school.

00:05:29.822 --> 00:05:39.963
I was literally that kid who was grown with high expectations, a very solid view on reality.

00:05:39.963 --> 00:05:45.293
When I say that, I mean that was.

00:05:45.293 --> 00:05:55.363
My childhood was one that brought the reality of the world to my front door, but it also showed me what it looked like to watch the Lord navigate people through reality.

00:05:55.363 --> 00:06:00.360
Um, the harsh pieces of reality and the beautiful pieces of it, right, um.

00:06:00.360 --> 00:06:03.170
And so the expectation for me was to be a generational curse breaker.

00:06:03.170 --> 00:06:08.673
Nobody graduated um from like a lot of people didn't graduate from high school by the time I graduated.

00:06:08.673 --> 00:06:21.935
No one had graduated from college by the time I graduated and we had all faced so many levels of ACEs adverse childhood experiences by the time I graduated high school.

00:06:21.935 --> 00:06:28.146
But again, my family heritage was overcoming and we did it together.

00:06:28.146 --> 00:06:37.447
And so when it came my turn, I was like, yeah, I'm taking this opportunity to rise above, do something we've never done.

00:06:37.447 --> 00:06:45.968
And I got this because this is what I was breaded in Soon to realize out there in the world on my own.

00:06:46.009 --> 00:06:52.307
There was one key area that I mean shocked me was it was my emotional immaturity.

00:06:52.307 --> 00:07:14.312
My emotional immaturity level was so high, my emotional intelligence level was so low that when I had faced a lot of the challenges that I'd gone through over the time of my life, I realized me doing it alone was something totally different than me facing those things with my family.

00:07:14.312 --> 00:07:24.002
And then you found out that I didn't have the capacity to weather through the storms of the college world.

00:07:24.002 --> 00:07:37.293
So that dream of becoming the first one in my family when I say this, I mean three generations of family to graduate college.

00:07:37.293 --> 00:07:39.305
They were all looking at me.

00:07:39.305 --> 00:08:03.125
I'm setting the records in the family and when I tell you the level of and I'll stop here right Um, the level of, like a disappointment that hit me, uh, shame and guilt that hit me the moment I realized I wasn't going to be able to do this the way I thought I would, I planned the way I thought I set my life up, um, it just wasn't going to pan out.

00:08:03.687 --> 00:08:11.252
So, so, so, yeah, I want I, I want to, I want to pause because I want to, I want to know, I want to know, like what?

00:08:11.252 --> 00:08:16.987
Okay, so, like you say, emotion, your, your emotional intelligence was low, your emotional, emotional insecurity was high.

00:08:16.987 --> 00:08:19.052
How did you know that?

00:08:19.052 --> 00:08:21.586
Like, what happened to make you know that?

00:08:21.586 --> 00:08:23.812
Because you, you must not have known that before.

00:08:23.812 --> 00:08:30.141
Because you keep saying I, I've had this plan, I was overcomer, I'm doing and I'm going and I'm gonna break these curses, I'm ready, let's go.

00:08:30.141 --> 00:08:37.763
I had all the tools in my toolbox, I'm ready, and something must have happened for you to recognize that that was true.

00:08:37.763 --> 00:08:38.484
So what happened?

00:08:39.104 --> 00:08:39.445
man.

00:08:39.445 --> 00:08:47.816
Um, you know, I realized at one point in college that my mom I was telling my mom like Mom, I'm struggling.

00:08:47.816 --> 00:09:08.111
Obama just got elected and I went to a small majority white institution up in Wisconsin, one of the most segregated states in the nation, and in the essentially the most segregated city in the nation, and walk us off.

00:09:08.111 --> 00:09:23.210
And when, around the time that the election was happening, I saw friends getting like I mean, just hammered, slam, drunk, drunk and partying right and I just didn't do it.

00:09:23.210 --> 00:09:25.735
My, I grew up where you know my mom was.

00:09:25.735 --> 00:09:28.264
She did drugs, yeah, okay, um.

00:09:28.264 --> 00:09:31.812
So shout out to her like she's 30 years sober, okay, um.

00:09:31.812 --> 00:09:38.369
So you had this image of someone who had overcome so much so often.

00:09:38.369 --> 00:09:43.849
Uh, I didn't realize I had admired her story so long that I didn't real.

00:09:43.849 --> 00:09:44.269
I didn't.

00:09:44.269 --> 00:09:45.735
I didn't know how to nurture my own.

00:09:45.735 --> 00:09:47.780
I didn't know how to.

00:09:47.941 --> 00:09:49.283
Oh, wait a minute.

00:09:49.283 --> 00:09:50.187
No, that's good.

00:09:50.187 --> 00:09:52.812
No, no, no, I don't want to push past that.

00:09:52.812 --> 00:09:53.881
That is good.

00:09:53.881 --> 00:10:03.164
You admired your mom's story so much you didn't know how to nurture your own, that's dead man.

00:10:03.225 --> 00:10:12.714
I didn't realize that all the things that she had been showing me in my life, being an overcomer, achieving all these accolades, I didn't pull out.

00:10:12.714 --> 00:10:15.380
I never really asked a lot of questions as a kid.

00:10:15.380 --> 00:10:16.664
I kind of did what I was told.

00:10:16.664 --> 00:10:20.402
Yeah, um, you know, we're probably the last generation that know what they look like.

00:10:20.402 --> 00:10:21.423
Uh, for real.

00:10:21.423 --> 00:10:35.586
Um, but uh, I did what I was told, for the most part because consequences were real and we had lived through some of the worst consequences you can ever experience from someone who had done drugs, who you had to live with.

00:10:35.586 --> 00:10:36.729
So I saw a change.

00:10:36.729 --> 00:10:41.082
I said welcome change and call it good.

00:10:41.082 --> 00:10:48.899
I'm following the leader, she's leading me, I'm following change and call it good, I'm following the leader, she's leading me, I'm following.

00:10:48.958 --> 00:11:02.735
However, like I said, I admired and I dissected her life so well, up until the point that in college I didn't know why I was chosen to do this.

00:11:02.735 --> 00:11:08.081
I didn't know why I had experienced, you know why I had experienced.

00:11:08.081 --> 00:11:14.173
You know, while I had experienced, uh, child molestation, I experienced that I don't know I'd ever look back and say, man, what about you?

00:11:14.173 --> 00:11:17.985
Allowed you to forgive the individual and move forward?

00:11:17.985 --> 00:11:21.572
You know um, at such a young age?

00:11:21.633 --> 00:11:39.288
Yeah, um, what about, like, transparency allowed you to just be your authentic self back then and even though things weren't the best, it wasn't necessarily the most emotionally welcoming space because, again, like I said, we're a family of overcomers.

00:11:39.288 --> 00:11:46.582
So you know it's like, hey, this is hard, but put your head down, know that the goal is X, y and Z and keep pushing.

00:11:46.582 --> 00:11:49.567
I never asked my mom like how did you?

00:11:49.567 --> 00:11:50.909
Did you cry?

00:11:50.909 --> 00:11:53.455
Did you cry?

00:11:53.455 --> 00:11:55.583
Did these things hurt while you were doing it?

00:11:55.583 --> 00:11:58.469
Did you doubt yourself?

00:11:58.469 --> 00:12:01.861
What did you do when you did those things?

00:12:01.861 --> 00:12:14.070
So I'll say that's kind of where the immaturity was for myself, although I was surrounded by overcomers and I too, I didn't realize I was an overcomer.

00:12:14.070 --> 00:12:20.953
I didn't know how to you know, dissect that or just let those things rise to the surface and leave me.

00:12:23.125 --> 00:12:24.710
So that's, I think that's really important.

00:12:24.710 --> 00:12:28.345
Like, you didn't ask a lot of questions, you just saw.

00:12:28.345 --> 00:12:33.984
And so when things came up in your own life, when you went to college, I still want to hear, like, what happened?

00:12:33.984 --> 00:12:38.639
Like, um, you know you didn't know what to do with that.

00:12:38.639 --> 00:12:39.201
I'd love that.

00:12:39.201 --> 00:12:39.841
Like, did you what?

00:12:39.841 --> 00:12:41.585
What did you cry?

00:12:41.585 --> 00:12:43.147
What made you cry?

00:12:43.147 --> 00:12:43.988
What?

00:12:43.988 --> 00:12:44.729
Like, when?

00:12:44.729 --> 00:12:45.509
What happened?

00:12:45.509 --> 00:12:48.695
When you begin to doubt, you must have had moments where you felt like you were going to give up.

00:12:48.695 --> 00:12:49.495
What did you do?

00:12:49.495 --> 00:13:06.408
Like, and not knowing that, but just seeing the outcome of something, but not understanding the actual journey itself, can be very you can be very disillusioned about the process, right, yeah, yeah, like, so, like, I think that.

00:13:06.408 --> 00:13:08.845
So so let's, let's, let's dig in a little bit.

00:13:08.845 --> 00:13:09.285
Like, what?

00:13:09.285 --> 00:13:09.446
So?

00:13:09.446 --> 00:13:10.008
What happened?

00:13:10.008 --> 00:13:10.389
You?

00:13:10.448 --> 00:13:18.841
You had mentioned you went to a, which I I did to a predominantly white institution, um, and in a very segregated part of wisconsin.

00:13:18.841 --> 00:13:26.774
I went to one in south carolina, um, and very small black population, um, and so I imagine that was the same for you.

00:13:26.774 --> 00:13:31.408
The 2008 election was a tense time, I mean, I heard I went.

00:13:31.408 --> 00:13:39.171
I also went to a Christian, um, uh, christian school in Texas, all white, for the most part K through 12,.

00:13:39.171 --> 00:13:41.581
My family integrated the place for the most part.

00:13:41.581 --> 00:13:57.030
So, like it was, was and and so, um, I had graduated by the time obama had come, but my brother and sister were still in school and they tell some pretty difficult stories about their experiences, um, kind of being in that environment during that time.

00:13:57.030 --> 00:14:02.730
Um, and in college, there was, there was, there was some things that happened on our campus that was tough.

00:14:02.730 --> 00:14:18.951
So, like you've mentioned that, so, like, talk to me, like what, what, what about that time brought up this like emotional insecurity that you didn't know was there man, the culture shock yeah culture shock, um again.

00:14:19.673 --> 00:14:25.211
you know, when my mom got clean she had transitioned her entire lifestyle.

00:14:25.211 --> 00:14:27.802
Yeah, and we grew up.

00:14:27.802 --> 00:14:37.075
Although we were exposed to drugs early on in life, we had grown up one knowing that the Lord Jesus saves even the worst of them.

00:14:37.075 --> 00:14:43.931
We knew that he had the power to save and the standard of life was then to honor him.

00:14:43.931 --> 00:14:48.210
Going to college that I thought was a Christian college as well.

00:14:48.210 --> 00:14:53.270
I didn't realize that folks was not living like that for real man.

00:14:56.221 --> 00:14:56.923
You ain't know.

00:14:58.126 --> 00:15:00.342
Rude, what I tell you.

00:15:00.342 --> 00:15:04.868
I remember one time my mom said, keena, you cannot expect everybody to be you To you.

00:15:04.868 --> 00:15:09.025
Man, my roommate was.

00:15:09.025 --> 00:15:11.265
I love her to this day, but man, she was wild.

00:15:11.265 --> 00:15:19.746
I would nurse girls on my floor back to health from getting turnt up and wasted.

00:15:19.746 --> 00:15:22.642
I was like y'all don't know what this can do to you.

00:15:22.642 --> 00:15:25.649
My mom was a crackhead, what are y'all doing that kind of thing?

00:15:25.649 --> 00:15:26.038
I was like y'all don't know what this can do to you.

00:15:26.038 --> 00:15:27.081
My mom was a crackhead, what are y'all doing?

00:15:27.081 --> 00:15:27.418
You know that kind of thing?

00:15:28.520 --> 00:15:35.433
I was exposed to sex in my dorm room.

00:15:35.433 --> 00:15:38.450
We could stack the bunks or not.

00:15:38.450 --> 00:15:48.440
The first semester we stacked the bunks and I woke up and she's doing her thing, okay.

00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:49.241
And again, I was molested as a child.

00:15:49.241 --> 00:15:50.725
So what does this guy doing in our room?

00:15:51.246 --> 00:16:02.182
Culture shock, okay, I went to, uh, the RA, um, the floor, you know the floor, assistant coach, and they're like oh, just don't be mad at her.

00:16:02.182 --> 00:16:04.971
I'm a big black girl and she's a small white girl.

00:16:04.971 --> 00:16:06.243
Don't be mad at her.

00:16:06.243 --> 00:16:07.365
I'm like, where the standard?

00:16:07.365 --> 00:16:08.570
At who cares about being angry?

00:16:08.570 --> 00:16:10.302
Where's the standard?

00:16:10.302 --> 00:16:16.928
And so I had really high expectations for the life I wanted to live that would be conducive for me to grow and develop in the college world.

00:16:16.928 --> 00:16:27.475
And so then I walked through just a chain of command and the director of the dorm had nothing to give me, no support.

00:16:28.297 --> 00:16:36.024
Um, I I remember coming out of class one day and I'm getting ready to walk to one of my classes, or coming on my building walking to class.

00:16:36.024 --> 00:16:53.783
There's a every day before my like 10, 11 o'clock class, a red pickup truck, like a time to kill, with a conf, a Confederate flag on it, is driving slowly past my dorm and he's just and I'm like, oh wait, looking at you, like he's like it was, like I can't wait to catch whoever.

00:16:53.783 --> 00:16:55.828
That was the vibe that you got.

00:16:55.828 --> 00:17:02.323
It's like you know, like so it was that they left, uh, notes on my door, harassing me on my door.

00:17:02.323 --> 00:17:03.946
Um, you know we don't want you here.

00:17:03.946 --> 00:17:05.528
Anyway, stop blasting that gospel music.

00:17:05.528 --> 00:17:07.650
Um, oh yeah.

00:17:07.650 --> 00:17:10.192
N-word this, n-word that.

00:17:11.294 --> 00:17:13.655
Um, oh yeah oh, this was real.

00:17:13.655 --> 00:17:15.542
This was a targeted thing like this was.

00:17:15.542 --> 00:17:17.125
This was about kena.

00:17:17.125 --> 00:17:19.671
This wasn't just about shoot.

00:17:20.332 --> 00:17:21.760
I call it kena and kingdom.

00:17:21.800 --> 00:17:29.105
If that's the case okay, I like it that it That'll work Because it was like Because, my goodness, yes, I realized, man, this is not, this ain't the turf.

00:17:29.105 --> 00:17:30.087
You know that.

00:17:30.087 --> 00:17:31.613
I thought it was Wow.

00:17:31.613 --> 00:17:39.446
And then again, like I said, that small black population in the school was assimilating like I don't know what, yeah, and they kind of got with the program.

00:17:39.446 --> 00:17:51.631
They joined the yeah, sororities, fraternities and they partied, and I literally went to some parties to protect the girl on the floor like girl, you do too much.

00:17:51.631 --> 00:17:53.461
You know, I'm literally like this, sheltered.

00:17:53.461 --> 00:17:55.607
I didn't realize I was really sheltered.

00:17:55.607 --> 00:18:03.748
Um, going into the world, right, right, so that I think that was just like it took a toll.

00:18:03.748 --> 00:18:07.625
My mom was like no, be strong, she goes, be strong.

00:18:07.625 --> 00:18:09.287
And I'm like strong.

00:18:09.460 --> 00:18:27.560
Well, it's interesting because it's like, yeah, you were sheltered, going into the world, but not just going to any world, going into a world you had expectations of, because this is a Christian college and you were a believer and you grew up in a believing household, right, and so you had an idea of what Christian institutions should be and would be.

00:18:27.560 --> 00:18:37.526
And so I think, like that, like I would imagine the expectations that you had it wasn't just going into the world, it was.

00:18:37.526 --> 00:18:41.821
I'm going into what I perceive to be a world I know and understand.

00:18:41.821 --> 00:18:50.048
And now I'm getting to this, like you said, culture shock, like it wasn't just like a it's like it's not that I just didn't know what this was.

00:18:50.048 --> 00:18:51.961
I thought I knew what it was.

00:18:52.784 --> 00:18:55.874
And so the shock was like oh, hold on Like.

00:18:55.874 --> 00:19:00.886
This ain't what I thought it was going to be like and that's gotta be something.

00:19:00.886 --> 00:19:02.230
That's that's a.

00:19:02.230 --> 00:19:08.560
That's tough, that's tough gotta be something.

00:19:08.582 --> 00:19:09.424
That's that's uh, that's tough, that's tough.

00:19:09.424 --> 00:19:09.644
Yeah, it is.

00:19:09.644 --> 00:19:09.986
It really was it.

00:19:09.986 --> 00:19:11.853
You know, like I said, everything I expected was just shattered.

00:19:11.853 --> 00:19:28.467
Uh, when I thought of leadership, but I thought of I had never had a, uh, I think, before then I had one racist experience in my entire life and the white person I was with stood up for us and made me feel real solid about everything that was going on.

00:19:28.467 --> 00:19:40.066
So, when I had even experienced the racial tension, this is crazy, um, this is not how, how y'all operate, um, you know.

00:19:40.066 --> 00:19:42.510
So, yeah, culture shock, for sure.

00:19:42.510 --> 00:19:43.352
Culture shock.

00:19:43.833 --> 00:19:46.047
So and spirit, I would imagine spiritual culture shock.

00:19:47.619 --> 00:19:50.046
I'm going to tell you I backslid in college.

00:19:50.046 --> 00:19:51.128
I said, oh, I'll forget that.

00:19:51.128 --> 00:19:55.570
I bet, yep, I bet man.

00:19:55.570 --> 00:19:57.099
I don't know who I'm praying to right now.

00:19:57.099 --> 00:19:58.040
I don't even know if I want to pray.

00:19:58.040 --> 00:19:59.241
No more, because this is terrible.

00:19:59.321 --> 00:20:00.623
That's real talk.

00:20:00.623 --> 00:20:15.773
I had a very similar not for the same reasons, but a similar experience with my faith and like, yeah, I'm good, I'm not trying to do this Like you, and if this is what growing in my faith looks like I'm cool.

00:20:15.773 --> 00:20:17.494
I don't want this.

00:20:17.494 --> 00:20:19.277
How are you about to do this?

00:20:19.277 --> 00:20:25.454
I don't want to do this and I really one night I was like all right, if you real you're going to have to show me Because I went.

00:20:25.454 --> 00:20:26.157
One night I was like all right, if you real you have to show me because I'm out.

00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:30.287
I'm out, you know and that that actually happened.

00:20:30.287 --> 00:20:40.153
What contributed to this was that, again, I came to school on scholarship academic and athletic so I ran track um, I just got done.

00:20:40.153 --> 00:20:53.009
I came home from Australia running their junior olympics yeah, right out of high school, right before college, got a gold medal for the four by one, wow, runner up for 400 hurdles.

00:20:53.009 --> 00:21:01.027
You know all this stuff Right, and was a high honor student, and it was maybe the second.

00:21:01.027 --> 00:21:02.471
I did like two and a half semesters.

00:21:02.471 --> 00:21:08.047
No, no, no, I did two and a half years of college and after my first year I struggled a little bit.

00:21:08.047 --> 00:21:10.865
I'm like, okay, well, fine, I'll just pick it back up next year, whatever.

00:21:10.865 --> 00:21:14.325
And you know my scholarship was on the line.

00:21:14.325 --> 00:21:18.667
Um, well, I was being watched at that point, okay.

00:21:28.539 --> 00:21:32.571
Then that second year was when I was like man, I'm tired of this, jesus, I'm going to just use my smarts and I'm going to use my athletic ability to make it through.

00:21:32.571 --> 00:21:34.237
And I had lost the ability to run.

00:21:34.237 --> 00:21:39.047
My feet started locking up.

00:21:39.047 --> 00:21:45.726
I tell anybody man, don't leave Jesus, the very thing you find your identity in, he'll make sure you don't have that thing.

00:21:45.726 --> 00:21:48.035
You'll lose that thing so you can see him.

00:21:48.035 --> 00:21:49.682
So my feet started locking up.

00:21:49.682 --> 00:21:50.465
I couldn't run.

00:21:50.465 --> 00:21:54.201
Athletic trainers couldn't do much with my legs or feet to loosen them up.

00:21:54.201 --> 00:21:59.073
It was like the muscles just did this on my feet.

00:21:59.073 --> 00:22:02.402
And academically, I just couldn't remember anything.

00:22:02.402 --> 00:22:12.920
I can go read, I can go study, I can participate in class and when it comes time for a test or an exam, I'm like what did we do Really?

00:22:12.920 --> 00:22:16.409
And I failed, flunked out of school.

00:22:16.409 --> 00:22:17.732
Wow.

00:22:17.732 --> 00:22:26.391
I had turned my back on the Lord and I said I'm going to lean into these gifts because he can't clearly support me emotionally.

00:22:27.613 --> 00:22:27.993
Oh, wow.

00:22:29.701 --> 00:22:33.531
He's not solving the emotional issues that I'm experiencing here.

00:22:33.531 --> 00:22:51.674
So let me go ahead and lean into what I know I'm good at, and those are the things that I lost my second year going into that last semester where I was then suspended from school, told not to return unless I can you know, pay for school now.

00:22:53.121 --> 00:22:53.924
So what did you do?

00:22:56.621 --> 00:22:58.705
There was nothing else I could do, I dropped out.

00:22:58.705 --> 00:22:59.367
I didn't return.

00:22:59.367 --> 00:23:01.532
So this is one of the most embarrassing things, right?

00:23:01.532 --> 00:23:04.251
This is where, again like this is where everything is coming to things.

00:23:04.251 --> 00:23:07.223
Right, this is where, um, again like this is where everything is coming to a head, if you will.

00:23:07.223 --> 00:23:12.057
Yeah, um, it was december, like the christmas break.

00:23:12.057 --> 00:23:13.782
Going into my third.

00:23:13.782 --> 00:23:15.185
This is like the third year.

00:23:15.185 --> 00:23:17.952
So two and a half years, is that half year mark?

00:23:17.952 --> 00:23:28.046
Right, yeah, and um, I didn't know, my mom already got the suspension letter in her in the mail, okay, and I'm trying to appear to her very emotionally tough.

00:23:28.046 --> 00:23:29.010
Oh, yeah, you know what.

00:23:29.010 --> 00:23:35.875
You know, I'm trying to make a very emotionally mature decision to say hey, mom, I'm gonna take some time off from school.

00:23:35.875 --> 00:23:38.804
I'm a lot of you, okay, I'm also like one.

00:23:38.983 --> 00:23:46.147
As a little child, I'm known to be her liar child too so um, I tell her, I'm like, yeah, I'm gonna, you know, I'm gonna take some time off.

00:23:46.147 --> 00:23:50.631
I'm not, I'm just gonna, I need to recalibrate and figure some things out and then I'll go back.

00:23:50.631 --> 00:23:52.042
She goes, you can't go back.

00:23:52.042 --> 00:23:55.496
And it was like one of those moments in the intense movie.

00:23:55.496 --> 00:23:58.584
She's laying the paper on the table, like what is this?

00:23:58.584 --> 00:24:00.509
You've been expelled from school.

00:24:00.509 --> 00:24:03.804
Uh, you can't afford to go back kina.

00:24:03.943 --> 00:24:05.710
And I mean the disappointment on her face.

00:24:05.710 --> 00:24:09.627
I had let her down, I had let the family down.

00:24:09.627 --> 00:24:12.473
I was like, dang, this is my promise to Jesus.

00:24:12.473 --> 00:24:15.025
I was going to be a generational curse breaker.

00:24:15.025 --> 00:24:18.030
That became a reality again.

00:24:18.030 --> 00:24:21.926
It got clouded with all the different trials of life, if you will.

00:24:21.926 --> 00:24:25.615
And I was like what?

00:24:25.615 --> 00:24:30.588
And I realized one scripture she prayed over my life, my entire life, was trust in the Lord with all your heart.

00:24:30.588 --> 00:24:31.150
Lean, not turn.

00:24:31.150 --> 00:24:32.785
Understanding in all your ways.

00:24:32.785 --> 00:24:34.451
Acknowledge him and he'll direct your path.

00:24:34.451 --> 00:24:38.320
Um, and I realized I had stopped.

00:24:38.320 --> 00:24:41.523
I stopped trusting him.

00:24:41.523 --> 00:24:43.506
I didn't let him direct nothing.

00:24:43.506 --> 00:24:46.489
Yeah, and it led me to this point.

00:24:46.489 --> 00:24:48.692
Right, it led me to that point.

00:24:49.913 --> 00:25:04.289
So you, yeah, you stopped trusting God and you trusted in yourself, your own abilities, what you could do, your ability to overcome the skills you had.

00:25:04.289 --> 00:25:05.152
All of that.

00:25:05.152 --> 00:25:08.028
How long did that last before you turned back?

00:25:09.861 --> 00:25:11.625
I'm going to tell you now, I don't like getting in trouble.

00:25:11.625 --> 00:25:19.851
Oh man, in the work that we do now, right, I tell folks that I meet with I'm like man.

00:25:19.851 --> 00:25:21.778
I ask a certain number of questions.

00:25:21.778 --> 00:25:24.866
I say, hey, you know, are you looking to change and transform?

00:25:24.866 --> 00:25:26.651
She said no, because it probably don't hurt.

00:25:26.651 --> 00:25:36.292
It don't hurt enough when I tell you I think it took maybe a year, okay, a year.

00:25:36.861 --> 00:25:56.230
I was just out of school, probably Not even a year, actually, it was probably a good nine months worth of, you know, just being mad and returning home, having to figure out what I'm going to do, living in my mom's house, embarrassed about this state of life that I was in.

00:25:56.230 --> 00:26:05.011
Uh, and it took about, like, I think, that summer I was like, yeah, you know what, and of course, her rule was ain't nobody not going to church in my house.

00:26:05.011 --> 00:26:07.965
You know, you don't pay the bills here.

00:26:07.965 --> 00:26:10.907
You live here, so you're going to follow the rule.

00:26:10.907 --> 00:26:23.393
So I go and I'm just, you know, and my heart started to get softer and I was so grateful for that, because one thing I ain't never want to be is a republished individual.

00:26:23.393 --> 00:26:32.016
The only thing I ain't never want to be is a republished individual and through that process, like I just started to feel again and desire.

00:26:32.915 --> 00:26:36.157
You know I couldn't avoid all the negative emotions.

00:26:36.157 --> 00:26:40.058
I think all my life I had avoided so that I could achieve.

00:26:40.058 --> 00:26:42.382
I avoided the negative emotions.

00:26:42.382 --> 00:26:45.089
Things that were negative were like almost in my thought process.

00:26:45.089 --> 00:26:45.791
It wasn't kingdom.

00:26:45.791 --> 00:26:50.807
In church I had heard like don't bring that emotional stuff to Jesus.

00:26:50.807 --> 00:26:54.222
Like don't bring that emotional stuff at the church, leave that mess at the door.

00:26:54.222 --> 00:26:58.053
I was like what you know Interesting.

00:26:59.059 --> 00:27:00.182
Leave that mess at the door.

00:27:00.241 --> 00:27:01.063
You heard that at church.

00:27:01.844 --> 00:27:03.605
Yeah, interesting.

00:27:03.605 --> 00:27:07.571
I grew up Baptist, okay, yeah.

00:27:08.292 --> 00:27:10.536
Okay, yeah, so you, you, okay.

00:27:10.536 --> 00:27:13.404
So what negative emotions were you blocking?

00:27:13.404 --> 00:27:14.487
What were?

00:27:14.507 --> 00:27:23.288
they Fear doubt, disappointment, abandonment, rejection.

00:27:23.288 --> 00:27:25.404
I would block all of those.

00:27:25.404 --> 00:27:29.226
I would try to overcompensate for those by being in community.

00:27:29.226 --> 00:27:33.277
Um, so I would, and then I would taint my community.

00:27:33.277 --> 00:27:35.565
Okay, well, okay talk talk about that.

00:27:35.605 --> 00:27:36.208
That's interesting.

00:27:36.208 --> 00:27:41.023
You would overcompensate that by being in community like and what?

00:27:41.023 --> 00:27:44.570
What would that seemingly do for you when you were in community?

00:27:44.570 --> 00:27:46.974
How would that overshadow those things for you?

00:27:47.579 --> 00:27:48.625
I would always show up.

00:27:48.625 --> 00:27:53.592
So when I moved down to Memphis, I moved down what 2013.

00:27:53.592 --> 00:27:56.327
And I'm like 24 at that time.

00:27:56.327 --> 00:28:00.564
So I'm like in my mind I had just I'd gone through, let's back up real quick.

00:28:00.564 --> 00:28:04.469
I I'd gone through, um, let's back up real quick.

00:28:05.390 --> 00:28:20.494
After I dropped out of college, I spent like man well from, I will say it this way, I didn't know I was depressed when I graduated high school.

00:28:20.494 --> 00:28:24.548
Okay, I didn't know I was depressed, and I thought I was depressed when I, when I dropped out of college.

00:28:24.548 --> 00:28:31.161
But these are things that I had been, you know like, you know those, uh, what do they call those?

00:28:31.161 --> 00:28:34.067
Uh, productive depression, um, but it's like it's a term that I heard before okay, talking about just how you are.

00:28:34.067 --> 00:28:51.548
You are, you're depressed, but you know how to operate in spite of, okay, and so, um, I had learned how to achieve anyway, even though my personal relationship with myself was terrible, and so what I did was I lived for the people.

00:28:52.491 --> 00:28:53.675
I knew servant leadership.

00:28:53.675 --> 00:28:54.900
I knew servant leadership.

00:28:54.900 --> 00:28:56.806
I knew that I could serve people.

00:28:56.806 --> 00:28:59.513
I knew that I could play a role for somebody.

00:28:59.513 --> 00:29:02.685
I was a captain of the volleyball team.

00:29:02.685 --> 00:29:03.872
I was a captain of the track team.

00:29:03.872 --> 00:29:04.675
I was a captain of the track team.

00:29:04.675 --> 00:29:06.684
I knew that I could add value to other people.

00:29:06.684 --> 00:29:28.355
People would receive it and they could use it and it'll make them happy and I thought that that was gonna make me satisfied.

00:29:28.394 --> 00:29:41.530
Response of uh, from being depressed and not having a good relationship with yourself, uh, the response was I'm going to do for others at a level that adds so much value that nobody will ask me any questions about myself.

00:29:41.530 --> 00:29:43.510
That's it.

00:29:43.510 --> 00:29:45.500
You know I'm saying'm saying that, was it Like that?

00:29:45.500 --> 00:29:46.001
That?

00:29:46.001 --> 00:29:51.942
That and, and you know, you know, um, you know the phrase would say uh, check on your strong friends.

00:29:51.942 --> 00:29:52.946
You know what I'm saying.

00:29:52.946 --> 00:29:55.095
That, that is it.

00:29:55.095 --> 00:29:57.561
I mean that sounds exactly like what you may have needed.

00:29:57.561 --> 00:30:04.372
Like I, I'm coming at and I say that because I've been, I have 100% been there Like I would.

00:30:04.372 --> 00:30:06.816
I mean there were years.

00:30:06.816 --> 00:30:20.509
I just I mean my life was about being the best I could for other people and that's really all that mattered, because as long as I was good with them in my mind, I was good with me.

00:30:21.619 --> 00:30:24.625
Emotional immaturity allowed me to become a people pleaser.

00:30:24.625 --> 00:30:25.743
That's it, man.

00:30:25.743 --> 00:30:26.780
It opened the door.

00:30:26.780 --> 00:30:32.313
It opened the door for me to mask my immaturity as maturity, because I can care for you.

00:30:35.681 --> 00:30:38.410
All right, now you, you, you, you giving away some of the secrets.

00:30:38.410 --> 00:30:40.104
You're giving away some of the secrets.

00:30:40.104 --> 00:30:40.645
Now, hold on.

00:30:40.645 --> 00:30:44.409
Now, Kenny, you can't be, you can't be letting everybody into, you can't be giving away all our secrets.

00:30:44.409 --> 00:30:49.165
Now, hold on, because that's true, man, like that is so true.

00:30:49.165 --> 00:30:56.269
You really do, man, that's crazy, because that's exactly what you do.

00:30:56.269 --> 00:31:01.751
You just you mask it and you give everything to everybody.

00:31:01.751 --> 00:31:10.987
And why would they question that they're enjoying it right, like why would you and why wouldn't you want somebody?

00:31:10.987 --> 00:31:25.834
Because the reality is and I don't know if you ever felt this once you kind of got on the other side of this and into your freedom journey but the people who were sometimes closest to you in that moment of your life, oh they.

00:31:29.779 --> 00:31:37.211
Because they were reaping from your dysfunction and now that you are more mature, what are they getting from you?

00:31:38.252 --> 00:31:59.548
My goodness boundaries, but when I tell you something that I used to admire and I would say this all the time, man, nothing will bless somebody the most when they more than a no, absolutely.

00:31:59.548 --> 00:32:10.054
When my mom was on drugs, man, we were on the street with her, walking with her, living with her, and she took us to my aunt's house who had already had my other auntie's kids.

00:32:10.054 --> 00:32:10.839
She's already overflowing.

00:32:10.839 --> 00:32:14.826
My auntie had six kids, my mama had four.

00:32:14.826 --> 00:32:16.329
My mom took us to her house.

00:32:16.329 --> 00:32:17.873
They're going through their own thing in that house.

00:32:17.873 --> 00:32:23.844
I'm going to let you know that now my mom goes, can you just keep my kids for a couple of days?

00:32:23.844 --> 00:32:24.085
Right?

00:32:24.085 --> 00:32:34.314
I think I don't know if it was summertime or wintertime, I couldn't tell you, but my auntie said no, wow, okay, I'm on.

00:32:34.314 --> 00:32:36.480
She said no, close the door.

00:32:36.480 --> 00:32:37.785
We had to go figure it out in my moment.

00:32:37.785 --> 00:32:42.757
Um, and that's what started my mom's clean time journey.

00:32:42.757 --> 00:32:50.285
That was where that's huge, and a lot of people like, well, why would you leave those kids out there?

00:32:50.285 --> 00:32:55.693
Man, she needs to know what's out there in the balance, out Out of sight, out of mind.

00:32:55.693 --> 00:32:56.957
Yes, right, that's right.

00:32:57.176 --> 00:33:02.050
And so, as I start, as I took this turn of accepting where I was.

00:33:02.050 --> 00:33:05.979
I was probably 19, maybe like 20, maybe 20,.

00:33:05.979 --> 00:33:07.829
Dropped out of school.

00:33:07.829 --> 00:33:09.796
I started working at this, the Lord.

00:33:09.796 --> 00:33:12.506
So I rededicated my life back to Christ, right?

00:33:12.506 --> 00:33:15.674
I said, look, lord, I ain't good out here alone.

00:33:15.674 --> 00:33:18.328
Um, your girl, I'm stupid.

00:33:18.328 --> 00:33:21.415
Yeah, um, my mom said it all the time.

00:33:21.415 --> 00:33:22.644
You're so smart to dumb Keena.

00:33:22.644 --> 00:33:24.169
You said that in your word.

00:33:24.169 --> 00:33:25.332
Jesus, that's me.

00:33:25.332 --> 00:33:27.836
You know, um, and so I would.

00:33:27.836 --> 00:33:31.589
Literally, I said, all right, look, I need to know what I need to do for the next five years.

00:33:31.589 --> 00:33:34.615
I don't know what I'm talking about, I'm just talking.

00:33:34.615 --> 00:33:40.309
And he had gave me a prayer for the next five years of my life, until from like 19 to 24.

00:33:40.309 --> 00:33:50.575
Okay, at 19, I was going to learn how to just be, learn how to be with him.

00:33:50.575 --> 00:33:53.301
So, like with him, and this you hinted to this earlier.

00:33:53.301 --> 00:34:00.700
Like, people don't understand that process, that in between, this is when I actually was able to experience a journey.

00:34:00.700 --> 00:34:09.896
So these couple years in depression and then breaking free from depression, that journey from like the journey to coming out of depression yeah, um, I'm in depression.

00:34:09.896 --> 00:34:11.163
Give my life back to christ.

00:34:11.163 --> 00:34:12.867
You know you could come in.

00:34:12.867 --> 00:34:13.708
Anyway, I'm gonna.

00:34:13.708 --> 00:34:17.797
You know, you can give your life to Christ and still have symptoms of the world all up in you.

00:34:17.797 --> 00:34:19.626
Okay, all right, you know.

00:34:19.626 --> 00:34:21.172
Only thing that changes is your spirit condition.

00:34:21.172 --> 00:34:24.954
My mind, my will and my emotions are still the same.

00:34:24.954 --> 00:34:26.208
I got to work those things out.

00:34:26.208 --> 00:34:26.911
Right, that's it.

00:34:26.911 --> 00:34:31.235
And this is a time that I spent working those things out.

00:34:32.925 --> 00:34:39.556
I was granted the opportunity, and so I'm working at a casino one year and I think at 20 he goes.

00:34:39.556 --> 00:34:42.139
You're going to learn how to stand in the world, but not be of it.

00:34:42.139 --> 00:34:45.112
I said, okay, well, what am I gonna do here?

00:34:45.112 --> 00:34:49.567
And I was like the best place, the best, worst place to be is somewhere.

00:34:49.567 --> 00:34:52.873
You ain't never thought you was gonna be in a casino working.

00:34:52.873 --> 00:34:55.438
You want to see the world on full throttle?

00:34:55.438 --> 00:34:58.329
Sure, yeah, in its own.

00:35:00.148 --> 00:35:02.811
I mean, I've watched people literally eat themselves alive.

00:35:02.811 --> 00:35:06.614
They had no windows, no clocks.

00:35:06.614 --> 00:35:12.414
I watched people live at a bingo table Yep, yep, yep.

00:35:12.414 --> 00:35:17.358
I mean they weren't even doing drugs, they were playing bingo y'all Yep, yep, smelling like they weren't even doing drugs.

00:35:17.358 --> 00:35:27.380
They were playing bingo y'all Yep, yep, smelling like four day old body Dang Using the restroom on themselves because they don't want to get up from their slot.

00:35:28.083 --> 00:35:32.112
Seriously, oh no, when I say, when I say he showed me what it was like for the kingdom of darkness to identify and live through, and I had to learn.

00:35:32.112 --> 00:35:37.123
That was my part where I had to learn how to stand up for the kingdom of darkness to identify and live through, and I had to learn.

00:35:37.123 --> 00:35:40.413
That was my part where I had to learn how to stand up for the kingdom of light.

00:35:40.413 --> 00:35:47.034
The scripture says I want you to be in the world, but not of the world.

00:35:47.034 --> 00:35:48.458
Right, that was my lesson.

00:35:48.458 --> 00:35:52.498
You're going to learn how to not be of it, because it's going to happen around you regardless.

00:35:52.498 --> 00:35:54.085
Yeah, right.

00:35:54.085 --> 00:35:55.751
And the world?

00:35:55.751 --> 00:36:07.835
When they realize who you are and who you are, they're going to come after you, keena, and you have to learn how to stand on your own because, remember, I use community to cover up all of me.

00:36:08.376 --> 00:36:13.766
All that broken part of me, and now the best parts of me were exposed to the world.

00:36:13.766 --> 00:36:14.527
They want to t taint it.

00:36:14.527 --> 00:36:24.670
I mean from older men offering to you know, you shouldn't be working this hard, beautiful, I'll take you to Vegas with me.

00:36:24.670 --> 00:36:31.217
Oh man, no, like I was, like I used to joke in college, like man, life is hard.

00:36:31.217 --> 00:36:32.771
This is why they become strippers.

00:36:32.771 --> 00:36:38.297
And then I get out of college and I got to work at a casino and they want to treat you like one.

00:36:38.764 --> 00:36:53.594
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, wow, when reality hits you in the face and it was like, ah, and that was a moment where all the things I had grown through from childhood, these lessons, started to pop up.

00:36:53.594 --> 00:37:01.655
My mind was free now to receive different things that I had experienced as lessons, as things that I had caught along the way.

00:37:01.655 --> 00:37:07.614
That didn't make sense because I had this expectation of how my life was supposed to be.

00:37:07.614 --> 00:37:23.297
Now this frame is broken, shattered, and I'm in the enemy's camp, his territory, and the only thing that stood was those things that are pure, true, righteous, worthy of being spoken of.

00:37:23.297 --> 00:37:25.219
Those are only things that stood in my mind.

00:37:25.219 --> 00:37:28.302
It wouldn't make them feel good.

00:37:35.280 --> 00:37:36.644
Ok, how you feel you don't get this truth.

00:37:36.644 --> 00:37:39.132
Ok, my friend, she was so happy that she had a virgin friend, so she is, oh, my friend's, a virgin.

00:37:39.132 --> 00:37:40.054
She's not like you guys.

00:37:40.054 --> 00:37:41.451
I said why would you say that to these folks?

00:37:41.451 --> 00:37:47.016
Right, and I had to learn how to gird up myself.

00:37:47.016 --> 00:37:50.273
The arm of God had to become my daily bread.

00:37:50.273 --> 00:37:54.695
I had to capture thoughts because they were giving them to you.

00:37:54.695 --> 00:38:05.934
I mean, I'm a very transparent individual we already talked about that and so I had experience where women would say, hey, you haven't had a man, let me try.

00:38:06.454 --> 00:38:09.778
Oh Lord God.

00:38:09.938 --> 00:38:10.880
Right, yeah, right.

00:38:10.880 --> 00:38:16.193
And one lady said oh, don't worry, we'll turn you out in six months, king, oh Lord.

00:38:16.193 --> 00:38:21.336
And I told her, I said, by the time I leave here, you somebody, one of y'all, going to know Jesus.

00:38:21.336 --> 00:38:29.994
That woman's serving God today, wow, that woman's serving God today, and I mean she was one of the best ones, worst ones out there.

00:38:29.994 --> 00:38:32.329
She was after me.

00:38:32.329 --> 00:38:33.547
You know what I'm saying.

00:38:33.547 --> 00:38:40.219
And so I learned, I wanted to appreciate, I learned how to now turn my focus inward.

00:38:40.219 --> 00:38:45.090
It is now time for me to go ahead and allow.

00:38:45.090 --> 00:38:50.018
I can't run from, I can't run from me anymore.

00:38:52.146 --> 00:38:54.855
I can't run from the stuff that God is saying hey, I need you to get that to me.

00:38:54.855 --> 00:38:56.530
I'm like no, no, no, I can serve my way out of it.

00:38:56.530 --> 00:39:01.751
Don't worry, I can charisma my way out of it.

00:39:01.793 --> 00:39:02.894
Just don't worry, I got it.

00:39:02.894 --> 00:39:05.498
And he's like no, no, no, offer that up to me.

00:39:05.498 --> 00:39:08.893
I learned what it took to become a living sacrifice.

00:39:08.893 --> 00:39:32.864
Yeah, you know, during those years and during those years and, um, I think during that journey, that part of the journey I started to become, when we talk about emotional intelligence in a lot of our leadership courses we talk about you know just the way to become self-aware, yeah, the way to begin this emotionally healthy journey become self-aware and a lot of people didn't even to this day.

00:39:32.864 --> 00:39:37.036
I'm, being self-awareaware is not a sin.

00:39:38.925 --> 00:39:47.398
Because sometimes it might feel like people get confused with self-aware, being a self-absorbed or selfish or self-centered, right.

00:39:47.398 --> 00:39:51.530
No, or too graphic, or too graphic.

00:39:51.530 --> 00:39:55.307
I can see that, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're too transparent, that's a sin.

00:39:55.327 --> 00:39:59.853
Don't you think I'm aware of the worst of me?

00:39:59.853 --> 00:40:01.896
Because if I'm not aware of the worst of me, how can I give it to the Lord?

00:40:01.916 --> 00:40:23.538
that's right that's absolutely correct and the enemy played on that, like all that emotional turmoil, all of that hurt, all the hurt I had experienced, that I didn't let go of the unforgiveness that you know for the life of me.

00:40:23.538 --> 00:40:40.797
I couldn't understand why, even though I forgave people, why do we have to act as if you know I need to be buddy, buddy with these folks at the family union?

00:40:40.797 --> 00:40:42.577
Right, Correct, Correct.

00:40:43.358 --> 00:40:45.300
You know, like I don't have to reconcile.

00:40:45.300 --> 00:40:53.762
I ain't reconciling Cause I can we talk like like walking through that kind of stuff, Right, yeah, so it's the.

00:40:53.762 --> 00:41:00.498
That process started to unfold for me, um, right at the casino.

00:41:00.498 --> 00:41:05.356
Um, that was one of my favorite time, worst favorite time to life.

00:41:05.356 --> 00:41:06.047
So how long?

00:41:06.067 --> 00:41:06.630
did you work there.

00:41:08.007 --> 00:41:09.012
A year and two weeks.

00:41:09.012 --> 00:41:13.952
Okay, a year and two weeks, yeah, okay, that's man, that's I.

00:41:13.952 --> 00:41:15.454
I admire that so much.

00:41:15.454 --> 00:41:19.228
I was, um, I was telling someone, you know, I the casino.

00:41:19.228 --> 00:41:25.268
I've been a few times and uh, I, I think the first time I went was in Vegas, and I'm saying this for a reason.

00:41:25.929 --> 00:41:31.786
Um, when I went in, you know you have this idea at least I did of what the casino was.

00:41:31.786 --> 00:41:38.875
You know, we just got fun, play games like adult, you know parts of adult entertainment it ain't all adult, you know.

00:41:38.875 --> 00:41:40.396
Anyway, I've said that before.

00:41:40.396 --> 00:41:43.360
And so I was like you can't just say that, well, okay, it is what it is.

00:41:43.360 --> 00:41:52.688
And so I, I went in and I did not to what everything you just described.

00:41:52.708 --> 00:41:58.030
I didn't expect to see so much depression, so much sadness, right, so much brokenness.

00:41:58.030 --> 00:42:03.418
Honestly, I was like man, like you know, and me and my friends we had a good time.

00:42:03.418 --> 00:42:10.858
But, man, when you walk around and you see folk that have been there, I didn't even consider for days.

00:42:10.858 --> 00:42:11.652
I mean at least all night.

00:42:11.652 --> 00:42:12.117
You know what I mean.

00:42:12.117 --> 00:42:12.684
That's at least all night.

00:42:12.684 --> 00:42:13.885
You know what I mean.

00:42:15.067 --> 00:42:17.289
And people who are?

00:42:17.289 --> 00:42:21.414
They just got a bucket and they got, they're just, that's all they're doing.

00:42:21.414 --> 00:43:05.547
He like, I mean I don't, and they're all by themselves, nobody's around, they're alone, right, um, uh, and and and to, to your like, that kind of being able to juxtapose my like, the way that I, what I'm coming out of, it's like, hey, I, that could have been me at some point, that could I, could have been this person, right, maybe it's not at a casino, maybe it's somewhere else, but that that, that spirit of depression, of loneliness, of brokenness, um, of of, of sadness, of of of fear, of all those things could have been me.

00:43:05.547 --> 00:43:13.896
And now I'm in a place where I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm in it, right, but I'm not of it.

00:43:13.896 --> 00:43:17.900
I'm in it and I'm surrounded by it, but it's not me.

00:43:17.900 --> 00:43:28.585
And you know, I would imagine that that that begins kind of breaking down what freedom starts to mean Ding.

00:43:30.248 --> 00:43:41.590
So we're um, I was talking about this with my coach and one of my values is to help people achieve freedom Right, and this is like a life value.

00:43:41.590 --> 00:43:45.498
I realized for myself after that timeframe in life.

00:43:45.498 --> 00:43:52.197
One thing that helped me achieve freedom was having strict boundaries.

00:43:52.597 --> 00:43:58.476
Yeah, and people normally, which seems to be like an oxymoron right.

00:43:58.476 --> 00:44:04.467
Seems to be like how you get how you get freedom from boundaries.

00:44:04.789 --> 00:44:05.650
but talk about it, cause I agree to it.

00:44:05.650 --> 00:44:13.429
So, um, I was a disciple, I'm a disciple young lady, and she came out of the world right when she wasn't the girl we found at church.

00:44:13.429 --> 00:44:19.847
She was out there doing everything and I didn't know most of it and I was just telling.

00:44:19.847 --> 00:44:26.900
Like you know, one thing that helped me really revive my relationship with the Lord was that I committed to not living in secret.

00:44:26.900 --> 00:44:31.293
I tell anybody secrets kill, secrets kill.

00:44:31.293 --> 00:44:32.275
Yes, that's good.

00:44:32.275 --> 00:44:35.849
And so I was like, okay, I commit to not living a secret.

00:44:35.849 --> 00:44:45.882
And then I said I'm going to really commit to not giving into what the world says is good for you.

00:44:46.222 --> 00:44:50.431
Just not do it At our experience again drug and alcohol abuse.

00:44:50.431 --> 00:44:53.237
You know, for my mom and that side of the family.

00:44:53.237 --> 00:45:02.911
I didn't know much about my dad's side of the family, so I was like you know what, whatever led her to drugs and alcohol abuse, I ain't doing it, I don't know what'll happen to me.

00:45:02.911 --> 00:45:09.112
And she used to say this all the time, keena, she was like I was blessed to make it out after three years.

00:45:09.112 --> 00:45:12.775
You don't know what hand you'll be dealt if you tried.

00:45:12.775 --> 00:45:21.849
And I'm like, well, yeah, I could probably die.

00:45:21.849 --> 00:45:23.012
She goes no, you, that would be a blessing.

00:45:23.012 --> 00:45:23.673
Wow that you died.

00:45:23.673 --> 00:45:25.599
Wow, you could be 90 years old and still walk around trying to get a fix right.

00:45:25.599 --> 00:45:26.422
And so that helped me identify.

00:45:26.442 --> 00:45:31.592
Like you know, when Moses wrote the 10 commandments, god gave him the keys to freedom.

00:45:31.592 --> 00:45:36.708
Uh, these things that I engage in, if I don't, you know, follow these.

00:45:36.708 --> 00:45:38.686
You know the law, not, let's say, you know the law.

00:45:38.686 --> 00:45:48.434
Thank god we've been redeemed from the death of the law, but they gave us a parameter to live in freedom and not be in bondage by these things.

00:45:48.434 --> 00:45:59.911
Right, right, right if I'm oh, I don't know if this is something I heard somebody say, but it was like I could be.

00:46:00.914 --> 00:46:02.398
I'm going to be a slave to something.

00:46:02.398 --> 00:46:04.452
I'm going to give my allegiance to something.

00:46:04.452 --> 00:46:10.297
Yes, I am whether it be something of the kingdom of light or of darkness.

00:46:10.297 --> 00:46:18.630
And sometimes we feel like, oh, you know, in the kingdom of light, you know you got to, you can't do X, y, z, and it's so boring over there.

00:46:18.630 --> 00:46:50.554
But then I'd watched the reality of being, of yielding to the kingdom of darkness and watching folks become enslaved to whatever the kingdom of darkness had to offer, whatever the kingdom partners had to offer, and I would see my friends who would go and have sex early and would be locked into a relationship that is terribly abusive, and I realized I was emotionally free from all the things that they had experienced.

00:46:50.554 --> 00:46:54.110
Yeah, yeah, I didn't have the emotional attachment.

00:46:54.110 --> 00:47:00.293
Yeah, I didn't have that confusion in my head does this person really love me or not?

00:47:00.293 --> 00:47:05.804
I was like whoa, just putting up that one boundary.

00:47:06.827 --> 00:47:08.373
Hey, come on, I'm with you on that.

00:47:08.373 --> 00:47:09.876
You don't have to deal with that.

00:47:09.876 --> 00:47:10.547
That's real.

00:47:10.847 --> 00:47:18.335
You don't have to fight those battles somebody having a baby on you and you're giving your all to this individual because y'all love each other.

00:47:18.335 --> 00:47:27.820
And I'm over here like, well, I can understand and empathize with you.

00:47:27.820 --> 00:47:31.690
But, man, that ain't got to be my journey.

00:47:31.690 --> 00:47:35.972
Yes, that's right, that was one less.

00:47:35.972 --> 00:47:37.199
You know those are.

00:47:37.199 --> 00:47:45.809
It was a lot of instances like that that I had said like you know, hey, you know, uh, I just don't believe that I should be engaging in stuff like this.

00:47:45.809 --> 00:47:48.556
And then I had watched other folks engage in it.

00:47:48.556 --> 00:47:52.771
I'm like, and now your mind is like, really captured for the next 10 years.

00:47:52.771 --> 00:47:56.521
Yep, that's right, for the next 10 years, that's right.

00:47:56.521 --> 00:48:00.911
And for me that was a freedom that I was so grateful to have.

00:48:00.911 --> 00:48:13.193
That freedom became addictive, to the point almost I was like, oh, forget that, I ain't doing nothing, I'm going to be missionary, that's what.

00:48:13.193 --> 00:48:14.606
Forget that.

00:48:14.726 --> 00:48:18.434
But that's what um you know, forget that, but that's real though.

00:48:18.795 --> 00:48:20.617
Well, I think what you, you're making a great point.

00:48:20.617 --> 00:48:30.789
You know, one of the things I think I'm I'm getting, like, I think, from this, from hearing your story, and, quite frankly, a lot of the things you're saying I I can empathize with on a very deep level.

00:48:30.789 --> 00:48:52.510
Feel that, and I've been through similar mental things like for the people who, like you, don't have to have done a whole bunch of bad stuff to struggle with emotional intelligence, you don't have to have had a um, you know, you don't, you don't have.

00:48:52.510 --> 00:49:07.221
Like there is sometimes the people who you admire the most struggle the deepest, the longest, because they have figured out a way to mask it.

00:49:07.221 --> 00:49:08.101
That isn't.

00:49:08.101 --> 00:49:09.382
That's admirable.

00:49:09.726 --> 00:49:16.181
Like there's nothing about the way that you have moved that says uh-oh, no, you shouldn't do that, that's a plot.

00:49:16.181 --> 00:49:16.943
Like people would shouldn't do that.

00:49:16.943 --> 00:49:17.244
That's applaud.

00:49:17.244 --> 00:49:19.481
Like people would applaud you for that.

00:49:19.481 --> 00:49:26.369
You know what I'm saying and I think, like what I'm hearing from all the things you're describing is very much.

00:49:26.369 --> 00:49:38.177
If you weren't careful, you could still be stuck emotionally because there was nothing that you were doing wrong.

00:49:38.177 --> 00:49:52.289
You weren't doing things that were wrong, and I think sometimes people think that as long as I keep doing right, I will find freedom, and that's not the way to do it Like.

00:49:52.289 --> 00:49:53.333
That's not true.

00:49:53.333 --> 00:49:59.490
Just because you're doing right in the sight of people and being applauded doesn't mean you're free.

00:50:00.393 --> 00:50:08.456
Oh, man, because resilience costs, um, being strong is what, like you know, we, you know, we've been hearing.

00:50:08.456 --> 00:50:10.222
You know, I'm not strong anymore.

00:50:10.222 --> 00:50:11.306
Don't call me a strong black woman.

00:50:11.306 --> 00:50:12.027
I don't want to be strong.

00:50:12.027 --> 00:50:14.615
I don't want the strong package, right, for 2025.

00:50:14.615 --> 00:50:15.510
Right, we don't want that.

00:50:15.510 --> 00:50:16.318
Uh, and I was like I kind of want to share, like I don't want the strong package for 2025.

00:50:16.318 --> 00:50:16.530
Right, we don't want that.

00:50:17.346 --> 00:50:21.976
And I was like I kind of want to try like, well, what is like, what is the opposite of strong?

00:50:21.976 --> 00:50:24.391
They're like what is this, if strong?

00:50:24.391 --> 00:50:30.835
So if God has made strong in our weakness, right, then what are we?

00:50:30.835 --> 00:50:51.019
Right, right, and the only word that comes up for me is resilient, yeah, resilient, and to me, that's, you know, being able to um, being able to adapt and overcome with, without losing your mind.

00:50:51.019 --> 00:51:06.335
Yeah, um, being able to adapt and overcome without losing your mind is what I call resilience, and the way that I'm able to over adapt and to adapt and overcome without losing my mind.

00:51:06.335 --> 00:51:17.237
I have to know who holds me, like, I have to be connected to the source of what I need for my mind for one.

00:51:19.125 --> 00:51:34.382
Identifying what like, just again like what the emotional awareness is, like understanding how to regulate, how to adapt change to things that are uncertain, not cover up.

00:51:34.382 --> 00:51:34.927
It was like.

00:51:34.927 --> 00:51:37.623
Resilience was like being transparent to me, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:51:37.623 --> 00:51:40.597
Being strong was like okay, no, let me put this on.

00:51:40.597 --> 00:51:42.164
That's real, yeah.

00:51:42.164 --> 00:51:44.893
And resilience was like no, let me take some of this stuff off, hold on, wait time out.

00:51:44.893 --> 00:51:47.554
I thought I was supposed to be carrying this, but no, thank you.

00:51:47.554 --> 00:52:00.887
And I can adapt to the fact that I thought that was the case and it's not the case.

00:52:00.887 --> 00:52:01.226
And let me pivot.

00:52:01.226 --> 00:52:06.262
Let me go ahead and humble myself on this journey that I'm on, and let me pivot, because if I try to weather this thing the way I've been weathering it, I'm going to break.

00:52:07.324 --> 00:52:18.251
Well, and I think that another part to resilience is being you wouldn't be able to find it if you were resilient, if you weren't willing to fall, willing to fall right, ding, ding.

00:52:18.251 --> 00:52:23.626
You're not willing to fall if you can't be resilient, if you're not willing to fall.

00:52:23.626 --> 00:52:46.737
And so the power I love what you're saying is like it is the, it is you, it's the ability to get back up, like I, what makes us, what makes a strong person really strong for real, not this fake strength that you put in a wall, but it's the ability to get up because you have fallen, not the ability not to fall.

00:52:47.585 --> 00:52:47.907
Like.

00:52:48.086 --> 00:52:52.387
I think that that's something that's literally it that I have.

00:52:52.387 --> 00:53:00.177
Man, when I tell you that it took me it took me years to figure that out, and but when I did, and it sounds like when you like, it is the most freeing thing.

00:53:00.177 --> 00:53:06.824
You said something earlier, you know, and I was just thinking I'm, I'm, I'm.

00:53:06.824 --> 00:53:22.951
You didn't say this exact thing, but this is how I would say it, like just paraphrasing it when the the the more you begin to understand your own sin and how you were as a sinner, the closer you get to God, because at the end of the day, you can't get close to something you don't feel like you need.

00:53:24.634 --> 00:53:27.438
Boy Right, that's it, that's it, that's it.

00:53:27.438 --> 00:53:29.780
You can't, you can't.

00:53:29.780 --> 00:53:32.574
What is my real need for you, lord?

00:53:32.574 --> 00:53:34.130
I've been saved since I was 10.

00:53:34.130 --> 00:53:36.914
I discovered my need for Jesus when I was 29.

00:53:39.528 --> 00:53:43.338
There, it is there, it is there, it is there, it is, and you have to.

00:53:43.338 --> 00:53:57.954
That has to be again, I think, for people out there who have that, who are, who would be considered the strong people, who would be considered people who are somehow always, you know, going up into the right.

00:53:57.954 --> 00:53:59.338
You are progressing and you're growing.

00:53:59.338 --> 00:54:03.668
You're progressing and you're growing, you're progressing and you're growing, and it's just like you're, you are.

00:54:03.668 --> 00:54:05.733
You are that person Everybody looks up to.

00:54:05.733 --> 00:54:07.065
I want to be like you when I get older.

00:54:07.065 --> 00:54:10.028
I mean, I mean, I'm sure people have said that a million times to you Keena, like that.

00:54:10.028 --> 00:54:28.400
But at the same time, that is its own flaw, because you end up telling yourself lies about your own strength.

00:54:29.626 --> 00:54:30.730
I was going to say to what end.

00:54:31.090 --> 00:54:36.811
To what end, man, you can't keep that up, you can't keep it up, so it's like you got to release it.

00:54:36.811 --> 00:54:44.639
So I want to know, like for you, um, you you've kind of you're on this other side of freedom.

00:54:44.639 --> 00:54:47.813
So first of all, I just want, I want to know what that feels like Like.

00:54:47.813 --> 00:54:52.710
What does it feel like now that that that you are in a different place and that you're free?

00:54:52.710 --> 00:55:20.672
And then, for those who may find themselves masking, masking the brokenness that's in their life by doing good things, by doing things that are applaudable, by doing things that people would find valuable, by surrounding themselves with community in a way to cover up, like that, the people who would have your story, how do they begin?

00:55:20.672 --> 00:55:22.637
How do you begin to live authentically?

00:55:24.465 --> 00:55:24.746
All right.

00:55:24.746 --> 00:55:33.949
So on the other side of freedom, I can say, when I saw you right at Crosstown, I had just been let go.

00:55:33.949 --> 00:55:48.088
So when you talked about earlier, just recently, about um, being able to fall and get back up right From doing good, I mean, what I thought was really great work, man, still is great work.

00:55:48.088 --> 00:55:52.065
Uh, you know, in its respective space, um, but it ain't for me clearly.

00:55:52.065 --> 00:55:56.713
Yeah and um, I just been.

00:55:56.713 --> 00:56:10.565
My role had just been dissolved at my nine to five, okay, um, and I thought I would be in a place where I would soak in it, um, but I didn't realize I'd spent.

00:56:10.585 --> 00:56:25.135
So I know I realized, but I spent so many years building this authentic relationship with the Lord that we could talk and I could feel with him Like, yeah, I thought this was, I thought this was where it's supposed to be.

00:56:25.135 --> 00:56:30.436
And I could hear him say I never told you to take that job and save that organization anyway.

00:56:30.436 --> 00:56:33.487
You did that out of that people pleasing place.

00:56:33.487 --> 00:56:43.610
Oh, wow, because you were still trying to figure out a way to not step out and do fully this thing over here that I'm calling you to do.

00:56:43.610 --> 00:56:51.030
And I said, oh, geez, man, yeah, wow, wow, you know.

00:56:51.030 --> 00:56:52.630
So I'm like man.

00:56:52.630 --> 00:56:56.568
You think about it here 15 years later doing the same thing.

00:56:56.568 --> 00:57:00.418
God, dog it, man, however, right.

00:57:00.418 --> 00:57:03.271
So on the other side, I'm like man.

00:57:03.271 --> 00:57:08.313
I was able to receive it with gladness and I knew there was mercy and grace.

00:57:08.313 --> 00:57:15.436
I knew that it was mercy because I did take this opportunity and I wasn't supposed to.

00:57:15.436 --> 00:57:15.978
I really wasn't.

00:57:15.978 --> 00:57:24.128
I was like I'm just really not going what me and God had just talked about.

00:57:24.128 --> 00:57:30.326
But I know I love you and you're in need and, man, I honor you, I respect you and this mission is beautiful and I received from this mission.

00:57:30.326 --> 00:57:33.769
Man, I'm almost indebted to this mission.

00:57:33.809 --> 00:57:57.751
If you ask me, my whole time in Memphis has been plugged into that mission in a lot of different ways and even though that was in place for a particular reason in my life, it doesn't mean that that was supposed to stay and I was supposed to be, you know, again become its solution and I was supposed to be, you know, again become its solution.

00:57:57.751 --> 00:58:05.239
So I am on this other side where I get to take it on the chin man, I get to take stuff on the chin and not be embarrassed.

00:58:05.239 --> 00:58:07.681
I get to literally see the lesson in it immediately.

00:58:07.681 --> 00:58:13.625
I get to.

00:58:13.625 --> 00:58:15.567
You know, some people are like you know, folks are really maybe terrified of their own testimony.

00:58:15.567 --> 00:58:18.409
I'd be like what I tell it the best, I tell my story the best.

00:58:18.409 --> 00:58:23.012
That's right, you're going to miss the juicy details in these kind of stories, right?

00:58:23.012 --> 00:58:25.034
And I get to.

00:58:25.034 --> 00:58:30.820
I'm surrounded by folks who I call it, who like structure their life about doing it the Jesus route.

00:58:30.820 --> 00:58:31.840
It's going to be hard.

00:58:31.840 --> 00:58:38.425
It's hard over here, yeah, going the Jesus route.

00:58:38.425 --> 00:58:40.351
And so I was like, ah, I went over here because it was a little bit softer over here.

00:58:40.351 --> 00:58:47.592
Um, accepting now that you know the Jesus route is not easy, no, it ain't, but it's totally worth it.

00:58:47.592 --> 00:58:50.336
There's so much freedom on this on this side.

00:58:50.336 --> 00:58:55.954
Um, I, can I, like you, turn your test into testimony overnight?

00:58:55.954 --> 00:59:01.869
Yeah, yeah, I don't got to be out here for 40 years, I don't got to.

00:59:02.371 --> 00:59:18.650
Wow, my perspective has shifted so much so that, like man, like I received my support system, my accountability man, I received my support system.

00:59:18.650 --> 00:59:22.318
My accountability, my problem-solving skills have gone through the roof.

00:59:22.318 --> 00:59:27.369
My patience has grown tremendously.

00:59:27.369 --> 00:59:31.217
Submitting to my husband man is a blessing.

00:59:31.217 --> 00:59:31.844
Wow.

00:59:31.844 --> 00:59:39.286
Because when I tell you running stuff by my husband during that time that I saw you was like a saving grace.

00:59:39.286 --> 00:59:42.373
I'm normally strong-willed.

00:59:42.373 --> 00:59:43.474
I got a plan.

00:59:43.474 --> 00:59:44.757
I'm good at seeing stuff.

00:59:44.757 --> 00:59:45.458
I'm strategic.

00:59:45.458 --> 00:59:47.148
I can make something work.

00:59:47.148 --> 00:59:48.853
Again, remember, you trust a little wrong.

00:59:48.853 --> 00:59:51.429
You're hardly not your own understanding, kena, right.

00:59:51.429 --> 00:59:56.815
So as I'm thinking about these things, I'm like hold on, let me see real quick, can I quit my job?

00:59:56.815 --> 00:59:59.494
This man said wait until the end of the month.

00:59:59.494 --> 01:00:04.815
He said this right after he got a promotion and a raise.

01:00:04.815 --> 01:00:07.088
This was the day before I was let go.

01:00:07.088 --> 01:00:10.398
Wow.

01:00:10.398 --> 01:00:12.326
And so I look.

01:00:12.907 --> 01:00:24.079
And one thing about on this side of freedom, I don't shut the Lord off from what he wants to do with the situation and how he wants to cover his daughter.

01:00:24.079 --> 01:00:28.791
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't shut him off when I make a decision to move ahead of God.

01:00:28.791 --> 01:00:30.628
Right, we be saying that a lot.

01:00:30.628 --> 01:00:32.391
Right, don't move ahead, I want to be in the will of God.

01:00:32.391 --> 01:00:33.353
Now, I know it, I get it.

01:00:33.353 --> 01:00:35.387
Yeah, yeah, I get it.

01:00:35.387 --> 01:00:36.289
Yeah, yeah, I get it In.

01:00:36.289 --> 01:00:37.452
The will is being obedient.

01:00:37.452 --> 01:00:47.672
Yes, because had I moved a second earlier Right, that's right I wouldn't have had no severance.

01:00:47.672 --> 01:00:48.588
That's it, man.

01:00:48.588 --> 01:00:50.106
That's it, that's it.

01:00:50.106 --> 01:01:08.472
Of the peace of mind, I can pay for my son's school still, yep, yep, you know, like we don't, I believe freedom is in obedience, man, like disobedience bring an abundance of curses and sometimes we don't want to like own that.

01:01:08.472 --> 01:01:14.291
A lot of times we're really blessed, but our poor decision making will hinder us tremendously.

01:01:14.291 --> 01:01:15.768
So on this side of freedom, man, I just I've been.

01:01:15.768 --> 01:01:16.472
I mean welcoming to people.

01:01:16.472 --> 01:01:17.295
I'm not hiding from people, I'm not.

01:01:17.295 --> 01:01:18.440
Will hinder us, that's right Tremendously.

01:01:18.440 --> 01:01:21.666
So on this side of freedom, man, I just I've been.

01:01:21.666 --> 01:01:23.030
I mean welcoming to people.

01:01:23.030 --> 01:01:25.137
I'm not hiding from people, I'm not ducking and dodging people.

01:01:25.157 --> 01:01:28.005
Wow, at first, when I had left Chick-fil-A, I was like, oh my gosh, I need because I stayed there too long.

01:01:28.005 --> 01:01:40.251
Actually, over the time I was like, nah, you got to leave here at this time and this year I'm like, oh, I'm too afraid, right, oh, no, no, um, I didn't even know what God had done with my time at Chick-fil-a.

01:01:40.251 --> 01:01:46.110
I didn't know, like, I mean, I just didn't know who would.

01:01:46.110 --> 01:01:57.838
I didn't know people were watching and they saw what God was doing and I'm over, like I just want to make sure I serve this chicken, don't mess up my name, um, and I want to make sure I serve this chicken, don't mess up my name, and I want to provide opportunities for kids that would have never had.

01:01:57.838 --> 01:02:03.637
Yeah, right, and shout out to Oasis of Hope who gave my first intern program.

01:02:03.965 --> 01:02:09.411
Yeah, when I was at Chick-fil-A man, anyway, man, so many, I didn't.

01:02:09.411 --> 01:02:12.385
I didn't realize that happened, right.

01:02:12.385 --> 01:02:17.295
And so now I was like, no, I was quicker, was quicker to realize.

01:02:17.295 --> 01:02:26.938
You know just to not necessarily be, it's not about being um, arrogant, uh prideful about you know, well, I did this while I was here.

01:02:26.938 --> 01:02:32.565
No, it's literally like no, lord, like you had allowed these things to come to pass so I can build on.

01:02:32.565 --> 01:02:35.210
Yeah, because clearly we're going somewhere.

01:02:35.210 --> 01:02:41.659
Right, holding on to stuff that ain't yours, you're bound, that's right, right.

01:02:41.659 --> 01:02:47.494
And so being able, being willing to let that stuff go, that was just a freedom I could man.

01:02:47.494 --> 01:02:48.760
That welcomed the abundance.

01:02:50.106 --> 01:03:01.195
And then, when you talk about the folks with the mask in the beginning of this journey, right, the one thing that helped me initially was my commitment to never live in secret.

01:03:01.195 --> 01:03:02.739
That's good.

01:03:02.739 --> 01:03:10.193
Masks are covering something, yes, so identify what it is I'm trying to cover up.

01:03:10.193 --> 01:03:14.894
I have to be willing to face, I want to.

01:03:14.894 --> 01:03:26.514
I got to be willing to face the ugly part of me, the real reason why Jesus saved me, um, that's good, absolutely, you know, like, I don't know, unless I, I go and I laugh like I don't, I don't miss it.

01:03:26.514 --> 01:03:30.076
I don't want to be shamed for why Jesus saved me.

01:03:30.076 --> 01:03:32.831
I want to welcome his salvation.

01:03:32.831 --> 01:03:34.818
You know what I'm saying.

01:03:34.818 --> 01:03:40.126
Like his salvation, you know what I'm saying.

01:03:40.146 --> 01:03:41.630
Like, I feel like I watched my mom when she gave her life to the Lord.

01:03:41.630 --> 01:03:42.050
I watched her.

01:03:42.050 --> 01:03:58.626
I mean, the most beautiful transformation happened before my eyes and it wasn't because she, you know, she committed to this system of show up the way everybody else showing up, you know, in their suits and whatever that looks like, right?

01:03:58.626 --> 01:04:05.255
Uh, commit myself to serving um when I know I'm not healthy.

01:04:05.255 --> 01:04:22.788
Um, I would say, if you watch what your, where your time is spent, um, who you're talking to and how much you're talking about the things your time and I say your touch, your connection with people, who are you connected with?

01:04:23.108 --> 01:04:25.356
Yeah, that's good you got to reevaluate it.

01:04:25.465 --> 01:04:35.293
I had a 20-year friendship that you spoke to it earlier, man like when I realized my, my emotional maturity was growing substantially.

01:04:35.293 --> 01:04:56.307
So before I cut this relationship right, I had to sit in the fact and this is where some embarrassment came, okay, I had to sit in the fact that I had downplayed myself in this relationship to make this individual feel great.

01:04:56.307 --> 01:05:09.621
Downplay myself in this relationship to make this individual feel great I had, I had neglected to speak highly of myself or I neglected I let me be a low standard in our friendship.

01:05:09.621 --> 01:05:23.139
I poured out and gave and gave and gave and I fed the beast.

01:05:23.139 --> 01:05:41.043
Instead of addressing the beast, I chose to say I'm not going to say it so many times when all the red flags and friendship were popping Right All of them, and so it was like no be willing to confront to get this mask off my face.

01:05:41.103 --> 01:05:53.802
Confront, confront who you putting the mask on for that's wow.

01:05:55.143 --> 01:06:03.452
That's when I did it man yeah um, it helped, uh, it it helped so much.

01:06:03.452 --> 01:06:08.322
Um, it helped me really appreciate my community so much more.

01:06:08.322 --> 01:06:20.753
Yeah, and it helped me show up to my community way more authentic, transparent, forthcoming.

01:06:20.753 --> 01:06:28.800
It helped my accountability level rise, my discipline rise, that genuine relationship with the Lord.

01:06:28.800 --> 01:06:41.317
Like man, like I'm over here playing myself to the left and I and you, my best friend Jesus, and I ain't got to do none of that, but you yeah, you know, like, and then it allowed me to accept my earthly close friends.

01:06:42.159 --> 01:06:42.579
In a way.

01:06:42.579 --> 01:06:47.954
I call it um, you know, being able to have the capacity to submit to my friends.

01:06:47.954 --> 01:06:52.985
Yeah, um, you know, man, like, submitting your friends is a beast.

01:06:52.985 --> 01:06:53.748
Yeah, it is.

01:06:53.748 --> 01:06:54.570
It's hard.

01:06:54.570 --> 01:06:58.724
It's hard because we all you know, like, you know birds of a feather.

01:06:58.724 --> 01:06:59.666
They be flocking together.

01:06:59.666 --> 01:07:01.659
So you got some strong will friends, some real.

01:07:01.659 --> 01:07:18.826
And when I say, like you, I know a couple your friends, you know y'all listen, I look, I admire when I say this, like, like, I'm looking at these women and I'm not trying to like it ain't no, it ain't no puff of smoke, but it's like, no, you've.

01:07:20.677 --> 01:07:24.387
You've probably been in this field that you're in for probably, like, probably 20 years.

01:07:24.387 --> 01:07:26.521
You've been doing this kind of stuff since you were young.

01:07:26.521 --> 01:07:28.541
You could tell, because you're so seasoned in it.

01:07:28.541 --> 01:07:33.516
You can tell you committed to whatever it was the Lord has set you in.

01:07:33.516 --> 01:07:35.708
You said you know what, I'm going to go ahead and grow the roots.

01:07:35.708 --> 01:07:37.414
You know what I'm saying Like.

01:07:37.414 --> 01:07:39.780
I appreciate that A lot of us.

01:07:39.820 --> 01:07:42.465
My mom called me the liberal child.

01:07:42.465 --> 01:07:45.938
She used to call me the liberal child because I was out there.

01:07:45.938 --> 01:07:48.181
I used to want to be a hippie.

01:07:48.181 --> 01:07:49.704
I thought Jesus was a hippie.

01:07:49.704 --> 01:07:56.981
Sure, sure, at my young age I said, ah, this guy's a hippie, yeah, he don't take nothing with him, he got one pair of shoes.

01:07:56.981 --> 01:08:03.697
He going from city to city just talking to folks, that is hilarious, making people smile, right, that's hilarious.

01:08:03.697 --> 01:08:08.943
And I patterned my life early on like, oh, let's walk through the flowers, guys.

01:08:08.943 --> 01:08:15.880
So I kind of like you know, I just I navigated a different way and I think you remind me of my brother.

01:08:15.880 --> 01:08:16.855
He was in this.

01:08:16.855 --> 01:08:24.979
He's been in this field since he was like 14, like in this space that he's been in and he's a master at it, man, and I appreciate that.

01:08:24.979 --> 01:08:31.969
So when I say, submit to my friends, like I honor where their mastery is, that's good, that's good.

01:08:31.969 --> 01:08:36.845
Taking my mask off, I don't have to compete with my friends, that's good.

01:08:36.845 --> 01:08:40.761
We can have a mutually beneficial relationship, that's correct.

01:08:41.002 --> 01:08:41.684
Absolutely.

01:08:41.684 --> 01:08:43.368
That's good, kena.

01:08:43.368 --> 01:08:52.185
I think that's really good Because you're flying when you got.

01:08:52.185 --> 01:08:53.467
It's easy.

01:08:53.467 --> 01:08:59.597
You know it's easy to submit to somebody who's flying when you can't fly.

01:08:59.597 --> 01:09:04.587
But when you fly too, it can be a little harder.

01:09:04.587 --> 01:09:06.695
And that's friendships.

01:09:06.695 --> 01:09:10.162
You know romantic relationships, you know spouses it's harder.

01:09:10.162 --> 01:09:13.550
Even spiritual relationships.

01:09:13.550 --> 01:09:14.317
It's like.

01:09:14.317 --> 01:09:15.280
I fly too.

01:09:15.280 --> 01:09:16.219
I read the Bible too.

01:09:16.219 --> 01:09:17.587
You know what I'm saying.

01:09:17.587 --> 01:09:25.182
That kind of thing is tough, but freedom allows you to do it, because I'm not competing with you.

01:09:26.015 --> 01:09:46.564
You know, church hurt would honestly dissolve if we could live in a space where I know that your flying doesn't impede on my flying and I'm clearly sent here by somebody who been flying.

01:09:46.564 --> 01:09:55.536
You flying, I'm sitting here under your leadership because you been flying and you have sitting here under your leadership, um, because you've been flying and you have something to add to my flight.

01:09:55.536 --> 01:10:00.439
Yeah, and I may get a little more wing or a little more air under my wing.

01:10:00.439 --> 01:10:09.944
You know what I'm saying, but humility allows me to be in a space where I'll tell you this man like, seriously, before I got my role got dissolved.

01:10:09.944 --> 01:10:20.466
Yeah, rue, I was looking at my pastors, okay, like with a side eye, cause them folks was like you're not going to quit that job, let them, let you go.

01:10:20.466 --> 01:10:23.877
Oh, wow, and I got the revelation finally.

01:10:23.877 --> 01:10:24.597
Wow.

01:10:24.597 --> 01:10:26.961
The revelation was I know why people leave this.

01:10:26.961 --> 01:10:28.042
I get it now.

01:10:28.042 --> 01:10:42.818
Wow, because you challenged my zeal, because I think it's faith, we get zeal and faith, because the Lord will take care of me.

01:10:42.917 --> 01:10:44.020
I saw something.

01:10:44.020 --> 01:10:44.743
I saw it too.

01:10:45.063 --> 01:10:45.484
That's real.

01:10:45.685 --> 01:10:58.835
I had a dream, wow, I had a dream about a conversation I was supposed to have about a project that I'm working on, and I heard the steps that I'm supposed to take in order to make sure this conversation happened.

01:10:58.835 --> 01:11:07.408
Well, right, had I quit the job before they let me go, I wouldn't have had the conversation.

01:11:08.069 --> 01:11:12.036
Wow Serious.

01:11:13.037 --> 01:11:20.569
Wow, I wouldn't have been in a state of mind, yeah, yeah, yeah, I wouldn't have anticipated God to open up the door.

01:11:20.569 --> 01:11:29.301
I would have let that thing pass me on by man, because I've been over here focusing on what I want to do, and they were like hey, don't quit.

01:11:29.301 --> 01:11:32.345
And then he looked, he said he was like hey, I'd be surprised if you last to the end of the year.

01:11:32.345 --> 01:11:35.190
I was like what?

01:11:35.190 --> 01:11:53.423
So when I say I'm saying that because I truly believe, like this emotional intelligence space in the faith-based world, right, one people we are, remove that mask.

01:11:53.423 --> 01:12:04.583
Okay, because, one you, you stay a milk drinking sheep for too long when you have a mask on your face.

01:12:04.583 --> 01:12:07.949
You're not eating for real, you're not.

01:12:07.949 --> 01:12:09.418
You're not able to digest and apply stuff.

01:12:09.418 --> 01:12:11.527
That's real man, wow, yes, because you're so able to digest and apply stuff.

01:12:12.048 --> 01:12:13.795
That's real man, Wow yes.

01:12:14.015 --> 01:12:18.447
Because you're so used to blocking the stuff that's going to grow you Yep, yep.

01:12:18.447 --> 01:12:31.203
And so it just, man, when you said that, when you're like, no, even when somebody who they flying, like I got wings too, it's like, look chill out, just breathe, just breathe, let them do their role, that's it.

01:12:31.203 --> 01:12:36.378
Let it benefit your life, that's it.

01:12:36.378 --> 01:12:36.658
Um, that's it.

01:12:36.680 --> 01:12:38.021
Yeah, that's that's what freedom will let you do.

01:12:38.021 --> 01:12:40.547
Oh, my gosh, it'll let you do that, man.

01:12:40.547 --> 01:12:46.917
Look, we can talk all day, I really know, and what's crazy is because you can we talked about a little bit, I think.

01:12:46.917 --> 01:13:03.005
I think I think we'll need to do a part two and I and I'm I'm serious about this I want to talk about leadership because I know that's a a heart of yours, that's something you love, and we both are passionate about leadership, and I especially for this crowd.

01:13:03.024 --> 01:13:16.465
Like, when you decide that you're going to unlearn something, you have a special affinity towards growing right, and a lot of growers are leaders in some way, and so a lot of people who are a part of the unlearned community are leaders in ways.

01:13:16.465 --> 01:13:19.159
Right, it may not be positional leadership, but it's.

01:13:19.159 --> 01:13:30.320
You know, you're leading, somebody is following, everybody leads, you know, and so there is, there is something in you that wants to be better at that right, because in order to lead well, you have to unlearn some things.

01:13:30.320 --> 01:13:51.787
And so I'd love to have you back and let's just talk about leadership and what you've unlearned about that, and like, what kind of leader you see yourself as a free leader and not a leader who's in bondage, and what the difference is and like, and maybe, maybe just have that conversation on like part two.

01:13:51.787 --> 01:13:52.600
I really think.

01:13:52.600 --> 01:13:59.087
I think that could be great and I think you could give a lot of value to folks around that, um, from your perspective.

01:13:59.087 --> 01:14:12.926
And so, man, I, this is, you have, I, I can't get over the type of person that I hope will benefit from this conversation if, if I was listening to this, this would have hit me in the gut.

01:14:12.926 --> 01:14:32.439
What you said would hit me in the gut because, that's, you described a lot of who I was and a lot of the things that I did to mask and a lot of the things that I elevated about myself, right, so that people didn't see me, the parts of me I didn't want them to see, right, and you know, there's just a lot of what you said.

01:14:32.439 --> 01:14:44.091
That if I was listening to this, it's, I'm hope, I hope that for those of you that are like us, like that you hear this and you know you, you get a little gut check and and say, okay, what do I need to do?

01:14:44.091 --> 01:14:54.757
Um, what do I need to do to begin my freedom journey?

01:14:54.757 --> 01:14:59.849
Because, even though I might look free, I'm not really free and that, that that is a uh, that is something that I really do hope for.

01:14:59.849 --> 01:15:03.201
The person listening to this is like get real with yourself.

01:15:03.201 --> 01:15:06.957
If you're, if you, if you, if people would say you're free, but you know the truth.

01:15:07.398 --> 01:15:09.021
This is, this is the episode for you.

01:15:09.021 --> 01:15:10.846
This is the episode for you.

01:15:10.846 --> 01:15:11.716
Um, man like this is good man.

01:15:11.716 --> 01:15:12.277
I appreciate you.

01:15:12.277 --> 01:15:12.858
This is the episode for you.

01:15:12.858 --> 01:15:15.201
Man like this is good man, I appreciate you.

01:15:15.201 --> 01:15:17.283
I hope you enjoyed your first podcast.

01:15:17.283 --> 01:15:18.405
You did a great job.

01:15:18.405 --> 01:15:20.389
You all right.

01:15:20.389 --> 01:15:21.430
You good you sitting over here.

01:15:21.451 --> 01:15:23.333
Look, no man, I'm like whoa.

01:15:23.333 --> 01:15:24.717
No, this is a.

01:15:24.717 --> 01:15:26.122
I really appreciate this.

01:15:26.122 --> 01:15:47.027
You're awesome at hosting, navigating the questions and listening for moments and providing a safe space for somebody to come in and for somebody like me to come in and be you know, and be obedient and be transparent, because life is not about myself.

01:15:47.027 --> 01:15:49.076
Yeah, my life ain't about myself.

01:15:49.076 --> 01:16:05.916
And, as a leader, everywhere I go, everywhere I go, the goal is not to, you know, point particularly at somebody and say you need to go in this area, it is to stir up a conversation.

01:16:05.916 --> 01:16:06.916
I want to cause some friction.

01:16:06.916 --> 01:16:07.896
Iron sharpens iron.

01:16:07.896 --> 01:16:11.439
I want to cause some friction that allows you to go ahead and do some internal work.

01:16:11.439 --> 01:16:13.841
I want to cause some friction that allows you to go ahead and do some internal work.

01:16:13.841 --> 01:16:14.801
We call it the heart check.

01:16:14.801 --> 01:16:16.002
Yes, it's like man, like that heart check.

01:16:16.002 --> 01:16:19.505
Conversations are needed in this time.

01:16:19.505 --> 01:16:21.185
Yes, yes, they are.

01:16:21.185 --> 01:16:23.108
So I appreciate you.

01:16:23.108 --> 01:16:24.349
I appreciate the podcast.

01:16:24.349 --> 01:16:25.368
Thank you for having me.

01:16:25.368 --> 01:16:27.671
Man Ruth, I'm excited for a part two.

01:16:28.051 --> 01:16:28.692
Yeah, y'all.

01:16:28.752 --> 01:16:29.893
I'm excited, can I confess?

01:16:29.893 --> 01:16:33.796
Can I confess?

01:16:33.796 --> 01:16:34.297
Can I confess?

01:16:34.297 --> 01:16:34.779
Let's confess, go ahead.

01:16:34.779 --> 01:16:35.780
I was watching the podcast.

01:16:35.780 --> 01:16:36.743
I haven't watched it since you started.

01:16:36.743 --> 01:16:38.648
Oh man, this lady is good, right.

01:16:39.515 --> 01:16:45.136
And one day I had to know where I'm like man, it'd be great to be on a Ruth Abigail Unlearned podcast, oh God.

01:16:45.136 --> 01:16:48.001
And I had immediately like you know what kind of stuff are you on?

01:16:48.001 --> 01:16:52.728
I took a pause, you know I did.

01:16:52.728 --> 01:16:54.310
I said I was like, oh, kenna, you know what?

01:16:54.310 --> 01:17:01.059
Lord, I'm sorry, I don't even know where that came from.

01:17:01.059 --> 01:17:05.630
And I said I ain't saying nothing to nobody.

01:17:05.630 --> 01:17:06.011
And I saw you.

01:17:06.011 --> 01:17:06.912
I said, oh, my goodness, that's hilarious.

01:17:06.912 --> 01:17:08.756
So the Lord will give you a desire of your heart.

01:17:08.756 --> 01:17:11.219
Right, it wasn't something I was looking to do.

01:17:11.219 --> 01:17:15.264
I just admire, you know this, what you're doing.

01:17:15.264 --> 01:17:31.542
And again, the topic of discussion and how timely it is to talk and put this information out there, things that we have to unlearn, to become who we're supposed to be right and to live and thrive.

01:17:31.542 --> 01:17:33.306
But, uh, you know it.

01:17:33.306 --> 01:17:40.073
Just, it was so timely and I'm like man, this is wild, um, this is like a this is a short-term dream come true.

01:17:40.135 --> 01:17:41.377
Just let you know, man, that's.

01:17:41.377 --> 01:17:44.704
I was supposed to be on the podcast by the end of 2024.

01:17:44.704 --> 01:17:46.896
Oh, come on, that's part of the vision board.

01:17:46.896 --> 01:17:51.827
Oh, I'm so serious and it was fun's amazing.

01:17:51.827 --> 01:17:52.809
That's so cool.

01:17:52.809 --> 01:17:54.300
Man, write the vision, make it plain.

01:17:54.595 --> 01:17:55.619
I love that Kena.

01:17:55.619 --> 01:17:56.484
That's cool.

01:17:56.484 --> 01:17:57.789
I really didn't know that.

01:17:57.789 --> 01:17:59.560
Okay, well, that just makes this so much better.

01:18:00.181 --> 01:18:00.824
Yeah, that's amazing.

01:18:00.875 --> 01:18:02.139
Thank you for having me, ruth.

01:18:02.139 --> 01:18:05.761
Oh man, thank you for coming and thank y'all for listening.

01:18:05.761 --> 01:18:19.444
And hey look, we'll be back next Friday, but until then, let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience just a little bit more freedom, peace.

01:18:19.444 --> 01:18:23.416
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:18:23.416 --> 01:18:27.585
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:18:27.585 --> 01:18:34.287
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:18:34.287 --> 01:18:40.661
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:18:40.661 --> 01:18:41.564
See you then.