Freedom Friday: How To Talk To Your Inner Critic

Yeah, yo, what's up everybody? Welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast. I am your host, ruth Abigail, aka RA, and this is once again Freedom Friday, where me or me and a friend of mine come and share something we've unlearned recently and how it has made us just a little bit more free. And I got my homie in the building. What's?

up Meg. Hey, it is good to be here.

It's awesome, look, okay, so this is your second time. This is your second time on the podcast.

It is but my little, my little name's different. Your name is different.

Come on different name, come on man, come on marriage Come on marriage.

Come on marriage, come on marriage.

Both of us Deal Formerly, Megan Broad. Street, that's right, yeah, we both have different names since it's the first time we did it.

Like my name is so short. Now I'm like who is that? It's such a strange. I haven't even practiced like trying to write it out yet. I'm like I have no idea how to write my new name.

My name got longer.

It got longer.

And I did realize I don't know how to do a capital G in cursive. I really struggle.

It's hard, difficult letter. It doesn't even look like a G, it's kind of like a. A good luck to you. It's not a G anyway. Nobody else knows. You don't know offense, but you don't strike me as the type of person that has like fantastic handwriting. Anyways, that's not necessary. That was a little dig, that's not necessary, but it's fine.

It's fine to wear a purse, it's fine to wear about it. Oh, that's cool, I'm not offended, it's fine.

It's out of love, it's all love. You may or may not be wrong.

So, man, how was your, how you doing, how was your day?

It was good. Yeah, we are gearing up to go on the honeymoon on Monday and so just been getting ready for that and then prepping for this. Yeah, man.

So you, so you know we're both coming at this conversation or coming into another conversation with very different circumstances. Yeah, 100% completely different circumstances, which is very interesting, and I think that the thing we were talking about you know before we hit record, just talking about the what it's like kind of the criticisms and the way that we talk to ourselves, which you know, I think we've both definitely talked before in the past. That's something we both struggle with, but in a different season it can be it's like another, it's like learning it on a different level or like the next layer. I'm saying it's in the layer. You know what have you been on learning about criticism?

It's not even like a marriage or non-marriage thing. I think just because I am in a household spending way more time with another person, you know, I recognize there's this little inner critic in there, whether it's towards myself or towards you know him. And before it was like I just had to focus on how it impacted me. Now you got to focus on how it impacts a whole other person. So I've been unlearning for a while now how to talk to that inner critic. But now I'm like learning how to not trying to unlearn, how to not, like that inner critic, talk to someone else. It's a little rough.

Okay, man, that's okay. All right, let's okay, let's unpack that. That's real, that's real, cause that's that's like a double-sided, that's a, that's a two-sided sword, double-sided sword, right, that's that's tough Like. So which, which one of those has been the most difficult? You talking like stopping the critic from talking to you or stopping the critic from talking to other people.

I feel like I've had more tools, or learned more tools for how to stop it from talking to myself. But I'm definitely in process of trying to communicate things differently now that I am married to. You know, my husband, like my critic, doesn't need to be the one communicating, it needs to be me, it needs to be my heart, it needs to be like. It needs to be presented differently, not just a oh you, you didn't do that right, or you didn't do that the way I would do it, or you know. A lot of that's coming up for me and I'm like, well, he's his own person, so he's not going to do it exactly the way you want him to, but why not? And so that? Yeah. So, like I said, I've had, I've had tools to work on that voice internally. I am gaining tools to work on that voice externally. Now I mean, honestly, I Can't say I've, like, never been critical, but it's not really showed itself like in my job or with friends in the same way.

Yeah, so I Can 100% like it's interesting. I feel like I have had more Hmm, this is just me. I've had more practice, and maybe it's just the people pleaser in me. I'm sure I've had more practice on not criticizing others then and basically Turning that consistently on myself and like Hmm and in well, that's also another layer to it, though.

Yeah, I can totally see that it's hard Interesting.

You know it's like because I don't like I, I don't like people feeling like I Don't like them, right, I don't know, I don't, I don't like that exchange. I don't want people to ever feel that. So I will often, sure, do something to to kind of thwart that, but then I will just use whatever energy that was, that was code that could have come to come towards them, towards me, and get put myself on the altar of criticism, which is not better. Right? What, what? So no, what are some of the tools that you have Used to help the inner critic for yourself like so some of it's gonna sound weird, wait, but it like has really helped me.

One I've learned that we have to meet that voice with curiosity and kindness. It like it doesn't work if you match it. Like if the critical voice is there, whatever it is, if it's there and you match it with another criticism, like that doesn't work. It has to like be disarmed somehow and In my you know process through it it's been out of curiosity and kindness, just like you know an example like if I'm triggered thinking and it's like going faster than I know what to do with and it's like all the emotions are going and I'm like I can't believe, like you would think that, or I can't believe someone said that to you. It's most like you should have done this or like should is a huge yeah. Like inner critic, I, I, I sometimes just pretend that like there's a little girl in there and I talked to her. That's real um, and I like ask her questions and I'm like I mean, there was one time I was talking to myself in the car and I was like it was my first time doing this and it felt really strange. But I was just like Megan, I hear you, like I hear you, there is nothing I can do about this situation right now. Um, you're doing a good job, you're doing the best you can, and like we'll revisit this, but I don't have an answer for you right now or like something along those lines. Like I talked to it and it honestly settled like this thing, you know.

That's really good. I actually appreciate that that just helped me.

Man, it feels weird. You're out here talking to yourself. Well, we're talking, really are out here talking to yourself All the time.

Like I talk to myself out like all the time, but but I don't. I don't always talk, I'm always. It's a process that I always talk Well to myself. I think no man, that's, that's really good, like I actually I'm gonna do that real talk like I'm going to, I'm going to say I hear you in there, like I hear you, like you don't have to.

You know, and honestly I have this story. So, um, a friend of our, actually, amy Rodell, her daughter Zion, which she doesn't know, I'm about to share this story. But we were getting ready for um, amy's Val Renewal one day and Zion was just walking around, you know, doing I think she's like three, I think four now, and she was like You're doing a good job, sweet girl. Like she just kept saying that to herself. She's like you're doing a good job, sweet girl. You're doing a good job, sweet girl. And I was like, okay, first of all, way to go, amy, because that's she's obviously mimicking like what you're saying to her. But I'm like you know what, I'm gonna walk around and I'm gonna say you're doing a good job, sweet girl. You're doing a good job, sweet girl, you know, because like, yeah, that stuff comes from somewhere deep in there. Like I think we have to talk to those parts of us that Maybe get stuck.

Hmm.

You know, yeah, like, and maybe there's a sweet girl in there that just needs to be reminded, like, like talking to her eyes. If she was that little, I don't know. No, that sounds weird when you say it out loud, but it is so.

It's powerful, it's impactful, sure, yeah, no it. It does sound weird. Let's be this, be real, it sounds weird. I mean talking to a little kid, you know that's weird, but it doesn't sound weird to Zion.

If you say it to her, it doesn't sound weird to her, and I just like we're just Grown children honestly, like nobody is really out here knowing what they're doing. Most of the time, I think we all are faking it till we make it. Sometimes we don't make it. So yeah, no, no, I. I think you're right, I think and I kind of reminds me.

I've been reminded of this actually A lot lately, and maybe it's because I've kind of been Marinating on this idea I just haven't really named it, this idea of the inner critic. But this, this, when, when Jesus really calls us to be like children and they were consistently called the children of God I mean he's very, very intentional with that language we're not. We're not. You know what I'm saying. It's not the family of God. You don't get to. It's not that, it's the. You are children. There's a personal touch there and there's a there's a mentality of dependency and a mentality of this kind of wild faith that the things that I see or experience don't have to be what's always true, doesn't? My reality can be my reality without the truth changing, and that is. That's a child's way of thinking, like you know, I think. I think children have to think that you almost have to think that way as a child because you can't control your reality most of the time, and so you have to on some level, you have to believe in a truth that doesn't always feel real. Yeah, so you know, I think that that's just a beautiful. Like that, that story of Zion is just so beautiful because that is really how we should be behaving Just this free, you know, just this freedom of a child, like thinking.

Absolutely, because, like I mean, some people have you know, I think we get these voices because either someone has said something to us at some point, you know there's a lie built up in there, but I'm not gonna tell. You know, our nine year old, like I'm not gonna talk to him in the same way that I'm talking to myself right now. You know, like I like, why would I talk to him that way? So like, why would I talk to myself that way? And then you know, why would I talk to my husband that way? And sometimes it's just, it's it's a choice to hold your tongue. Yeah, it's like the child of God, like that's just, that's powerful and I don't think that voice is from God. No, you know one of the scriptures that, like it makes me think of it's a little bit out of context I think, but it is applicable. You know that that inner critic voice, or like that self hatred voice, it's definitely the enemy. Uses that right. Like it may not be in that moment, like the enemy right then and there, but like he's grown in it, it's influenced by that. And so the scripture, romans 1220, this is from the passion translation, there's two translations I want to read it says if your enemy is hungry, buy him lunch, win him over with kindness, for your surprising generosity will awaken his conscience and God will reward you with favor. Never let evil defeat you, but defeat evil with good. And then the nlt version is if your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they're thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will keep burning coals of shame on their heads. Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good, and that's where, like, the kindness piece has come in. It's like, that's how you disarm.

Yeah.

That voice is from being kind, like if a kid is really, really upset, and like yelling or throwing a tantrum, like you matching that doesn't bring it down. It's the like, it's the kindness and the curiosity like what's going on, like why would you have those thoughts? Like you know, one of my I guess bigger insecurities at the moment is just like gained a little bit of weight and there's that inner critic in there that's just like you should be doing this more and you should be doing this more. Well, I had a huge life. So I'm asking myself, like talking to it her, you know, I'm like, why, why, why do you feel like you should be skinnier? Why, you know, do you want to be healthy or do you want to be skinny? Like what? Are just asking it, asking yourself questions, but then taking inventory of like well, I've just had a huge life change. That's, you know, been kind of going on for a year, so I haven't had a lot of consistency for a year, which makes it hard. I have back problems, you know, which have made it a little bit challenging for me, and so it's like those aren't to be used as excuses. Like, if you want to set a goal for yourself. That's fine, but like internally, it does me no good. If I'm like you should look different, right? Or you should be two sizes smaller, I can't believe you can't fit into that shirt anymore and like that's just a cycle of not good. You know there's nothing good that comes from that. Like, yeah, sure, maybe I would like to look a little different, but I also have to look back at pictures from five years ago and even then I was dissatisfied with something you know, like I've never been skinny enough and I've never liked, so it's like at some point that little girl or inner, I have to love her. I just have to love her.

Yeah, I definitely relate to the white thing. That's real. For your wedding I had this whole fiasco with my dress and I couldn't. But I waited too late to get altered because I definitely ordered it too small and I was just like, oh no, what am I gonna do? And I was definitely beating myself up, man, I was like I mean, it was funny, you know, I made there's a lot of pressure.

It was For something like that I was staying with, like my wedding pictures. I'm like my arms are gonna be too fat, and that's all I thought about. And I'm like, oh my gosh, that is not even what this is about.

But here I am, you know, like that's not for real, and I think the critic, I just man the. So what? I kind of what I'm hearing in the scripture you read right, talk about the enemy man. How backwards is it to be your own enemy? I mean like cause, really, that's what we're having. We are choosing to be our own enemy in that. You know what I'm saying and it's like we have to. Hey, when your enemy me is coming against me, then the best thing to do is to treat it with. Be kind, speak kindly, right.

Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good.

It can be very it's very humbling to recognize that a lot of times our enemy really is ourselves, and it's ourselves because we are making ourselves the enemy. It's we're just we're doing it because of the way we're thinking, our mindset.

And whether it's conscious or subconscious, it's still true, it's still true, it's still true. And like I have, I honestly have noticed, if I am very self-critical, like I am more likely to be critical to Nick, for sure, and it just has nothing. Some of it might have something to do with him, like it might not all be false, but like the way I respond to it and how quick I am to act on it has everything to do with me Absolutely and how I view myself, and so it just impacts so much more than your internal dialogue, like it will spill over into your life.

It can't help it. I mean, what's in is gonna come out right. I mean like that's kind of the principle and I think you know one thing I've noticed since being married is my that inner critic has has gotten a lot louder. Like it's gotten a lot louder and it it really does. It can, if you allow it to it can move you into a place of shame and then project that onto my husband as if he sees me like I see me and he doesn't oh yeah, oh, there's another layer right there. And he has to constantly tell me Stop doing that. I'm not bothered by that. That is not something like I'm cool and I have. It has been a real challenge to believe that because I see me that way. You know I'm saying 100%, 100% yeah, yeah.

Yes and like and some of that stuff. It's like I Know he would never think that about me. But then I'm finding like Well, I don't know it just honestly, like I feel like it also just shows me how good, yeah, I'm like you're so kind, I'm like I'm not even that kind to you or myself, and I'm usually a kind person.

It's, it's the truth, it's the truth.

I mean, yeah, but we also need like, when we can't get there on our own, we need people in our corner To help us get there, which is also super biblical, very.

You know. So it's, it's, it's, it's, it's yeah, it's biblical, it's it, it's, it's communal. It's what we have to do. We have to do it right, we have to do it. I I'm reminded of you were you were saying this earlier and it reminded me of you were saying some early and it reminded me of the, I guess, illustration or tool I guess you would say have you ever heard of the ladder of inference About this? No, I feel like this is something you you would have studied in school, or something I don't know immediately look it up. So it's it's. I learned at a workshop that I was just at this past weekend. It's really really interesting. So, essentially, it is the, it's the ladder that we go through in our minds when something happens right and when we're triggered, and then we make all these inferences, we go up the ladder and it and it forms whatever action comes out right. And so, okay, the illustration that that that the presenter used was if somebody, if somebody cuts in front of you into a parking space and what you, what you do in that moment, and this is this happens in like seven seconds. Right, it's not, it's very, very fast. I want to pull it up because I really this is really interesting. I'm here for it. So Inference hold on listeners. Let me pull this up real quick. It's a little impromptu, all right. Let's see here images, okay, so Basically. So something happens, right, person pulls in front of you. The first thing you do is you have this data, you observe the data, you see what's happening, and then you select data that you're choosing to then focus on and then you add meaning to that data, right? So guy's in front of you. You see, he didn't use his blinker, he didn't consider you, he stole your spot, he clearly saw that you were in front of him. And then you say, well, this guy clearly did this on purpose. You assign meaning for it, right? It means this it means this. It means that he's inconsiderate, it means that he's a jerk, right, I mean all that stuff. And then you make these assumptions that you know you make whatever assumptions you make about the person and about you. Right, I was raised right. Clearly, he wasn't raised right, right, that's not how it was raised right. And then you begin to draw your conclusions from that and then you connect them to your beliefs that you have right. This isn't how you treat people, people like that. Let's say it was somebody. It becomes very absolute. It becomes very absolute. Let's say it was a teenager. Teenagers are horrible. They can't drive. This is his parents didn't raise him right. All this stuff right. And then your action is the thing that you know. You take action based on going up that ladder. So your action might be to honk at him or to you know if you real mad, you might flip him off. Whatever it is, you do right. You might, you might cuss him out. I don't know what you go do right, but you do something, you take an action and then within the next few seconds, you recognize that everything you thought was wrong. Because let's say that in this particular example, the guy was. He said that you know, my wife was pregnant and we had to run to the store real quick before we had to go to the hospital and I just needed to really get in here real quick, and so now everything goes down right. So this, this, so the trick is, is like what the tool helps you do is help you to disrupt your ladder.

How do I disrupt it? I think that goes back to like curiosity, right, like if one of our first responses was why don't I ask myself a couple of questions? Exactly, you know because the internal dialogue with like my weight or whatever I could easily be like oh, I've gained, you know 10 pounds. The response could be I'm lazy, right, right you know or that could be someone else's response. or like you, you just must be too lazy. And it's like, well, why don't I ask some questions Right, like there's a couple other things in there, like the person pulling into the parking lot like did he see you, did he you know? And sometimes the answer could be their jerk. Yeah, sometimes that's it you know, like sometimes that's it, but the curiosity just creates so much space for you to like learn. Yes yes, and you might be surprised by the answer. Internally, you might be surprised by what's actually going on with you, and externally, yeah.

And it, yeah, it will, it'll. I love the curiosity point. I think it's so crucial because it disrupts your conclusion, like, don't jump to a conclusion so fast, right? You don't always know.

And we can't assign it. No, like we can't assign a thought automatically all the time, like there's, which you know, a whole other conversation, like we have to have answers. Now it has to be, you know, but giving something room to be curious, and maybe that answer doesn't come right away. You know, just because you, even internally, just because you asked yourself a question, like man, I wonder why I'm like so hard on myself, like maybe that answer is not going to come tomorrow, like we have to still be curious about it and just wait for it to play out. That's it.

That's it, okay. So last thought, how have you, how have you become more free as a result of paying attention to your inner critic?

I have become more free from paying attention to it. I guess it like doesn't have as much power over me knowing that there are like like when I know I'm getting that way and there are two things I kind of need to go to first to help me. Like that knowledge has been very free. That's good. It like no longer. It no longer feels like it controls me, but I can kind of navigate that voice a little bit. It doesn't mean there aren't bad days, but there is like a way out.

Yeah, yeah, that's really good. What would you tell someone who is struggling with criticism, whether it's with themselves or how it spews out into other people? What would you tell them? How would you give them hope?

One. I would tell them to find your phone and be as honest as you want to and get it out of your system and ask some questions and then do something like remind yourself, make a choice to remind yourself about something kind, either if you're struggling internally with yourself or if it's with a person. Like remind yourself of something kind towards them and honestly, like go find a therapist or someone to talk to. Like don't do that on your own Cause, it's too heavy, it's too much. Most of the time it's really loaded. So just like go do something about it, like you owe yourself that and you owe the people around you that.

That's good. That's good man. Man, this was rich. This was rich conversation. It was Thank you for having me, of course, thank you for coming and thank you for helping me, cause you actually did. I'm gonna do that for real. I'm gonna talk to my, my inner child, in the car.

You do it. Anyways, I'm gonna do it. You might as well. I will do it, you're right, you might as well add this to the list you know, I'm gonna add it as a tool and I'm gonna do that. We're gonna see everybody driving around being like Pat, there's all of a bad. Good job, sweet girl. Respect everyone. Good job, sweet boy. That's cause you're a boy I mean you can't do it. You can't do it, that's right.

Oh man, that's good, that's good, that's good. All right, thank you all once again for listening to the Unlearned podcast and Freedom Friday, and thank you, meg, for being here. We will keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom. Until next week, peace. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.