Home For The Holidays Pt. 1: Embracing Your Current Reality, Navigating Family Expectations, and Celebrating Personal Growth Beyond Societal Pressures

0:00 Yo, yo yo. What's up everybody? It's your girls, ra and Jaquita, and you are about to jump into a very, very special episode. It is so good that we had to split it into two parts. So you are about to hear part one of this and you're gonna hear it. We're gonna cut it off and then you will have to catch part two next week, but it is an episode called Home for the Holidays and we really think you're going to really enjoy it. So this is part one. Y'all enjoy part one and we'll see y'all for part two. Hello everybody, and welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast.

0:40 I am your host, ruth Abigail, aka RA. What's? what's up, friends? it's your girl, jaquita and this is the podcast that's helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom. And it's a good day. It's a good day. It's a good day, friends. It's a good day, crisp. You know, I'm saying good day. It's crisp, you know what I'm saying. It's nice and chilly outside. It's my favorite time of year. As you can see, we just all. It was not nice and chilly outside Not in South Carolina, for real Girl. No, we were burning up in church, seriously Burning up, burning up.

1:32 I mean it's still still cold, but it was like in the 60s. Ew, I hate that, I'm sorry, yeah, yeah, I hate that. I hate that it was like 40s today, like here in the Tennessee. Um, yeah, I'm, I like it cold, but it's supposed to be cold. You know it's like this all off, because we went from being like consistently in the sixties and then it hit us with a boom, 32, high, high of 32. And we were like, absolutely not. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had to go buy some chapstick Cause I was like, yeah, it was got to be dire circumstances out here. I understand that. I do understand that. Be that as it may, it is December. It is uh december. You see, we're dressed all festive like, okay, because it's christmas time. Y'all, because it's christmas time, my decoration's been up since november 1st.

2:13 Okay, don't play with your girl. My house is looking real festive. It's a real winter wonderland around here, okay, okay let me just tell you something. I just I am against people. You know what's that trend? Um, we, uh, uh, uh, we listen and we don't judge. Uh, we listen and we don't judge. I am so annoyed by people who decorate before thanksgiving first of all. First of all, y'all, if you knew what ruth abigail considered decorating, listen. Okay, for christmas, ruth abigail got her first christmas tree in her house, like last year, and she sent us a picture and I said I'm sorry, you mean that three foot tree?

2:55 hey, listen, grow up with decorations. Okay, I didn't grow up with all of that, doesn't matter I don't do that either do it or don't, but don't come down on those of us who choose to do it I didn't say don't do it. I said the timing bothers me whatever it does, uh, but it is now right, it's the right time, like, I think december is appropriate and we're very excited about christmas. We're in our festive gear, um, and before we jump in, we just like to first of all say thank you. We want to say thank you for listening to us all year, guys. Like, it's been almost a year and we have really enjoyed spending this time with you and, as always, we're going to ask that you continue to like, share, comment, subscribe.

3:41 We have you all have been sharing it, so thank you, so continue to share it. Let us know what you're thinking. Uh, we really enjoy conversing with you guys and, like, really like engaging the the audience and building the community of unlearners, because that's what we are. We're growing, um, and we're excited about that. So thank you for that and let's keep moving, guys like, let's keep moving, so, let's keep moving. So, if you know anybody who you think this podcast would be a blessing, to share it with them, um, and and let them know and just make them a part of the community, so continue to do that. This episode. I think it's going to be really special, really uh, powerful, I think, kind of transparent, as was our last one, and so no, we weren't.

4:27 Our sisters came in y'all and bulldozed. They did. They did, they did. What they did. What If you haven't watched that one, if you haven't watched the Sister Sister episode? Please go back and check that one out. Check it out, because it's definitely worth checking out. They kind of put us on blast quite a bit, yeah, uh and and so, yeah, so this one, that that one's great, this one's going to be good. So be sure to like, share, subscribe and comment, guys. Um, so it's the holiday season and, it being the holiday season, I love the holiday season. I mean, I think it's it's a time of, of, of, just, you know, rest, relaxation.

5:13 You get to kind of shut down a little bit. You can have some fun. Uh, holiday season is good, but the reality is the holiday season is not all good all the time like the holiday season can also conjure up some um different kind of feelings. Yeah, yeah for sure. Yeah, you know. I think it's interesting that all these holidays fall at the end of the year, right like when we think about, like you know, happy holidays, it's all you know thanksgiving, christmas, know for those of you who may celebrate other things Hanukkah, kwanzaa, you know all of the things and New Year's like all of that is at the end of the year, and so by the time you get to those seasons, you really are in like a state of like reflection and like, wait a minute, what happened this year of like reflection and like wait a minute, what happened this year?

6:09 I saw an Instagram post today that said 2024 has been so long. We forgot that we started at the beginning of the year with the Olympics. Like, yeah, it was like, oh, all of that happened. Like, so much has happened. You know, like so much has happened. You know, throughout the year, that it's been such a. I feel like 2024 was a very packed year, like it was so much that, like we had to like move, move forward from whatever happened, from whatever thing we endured. It's like, okay, that has to stay in that month, Cause I got to move on. This new month has a lot, has a lot to to it and I don't have time to reflect, but I think that the end of the year always brings back that time of reflection and, just you know, really sitting with something.

6:56 And so, in the spirit of reflection, what we really want to talk about. So when we were kind of planning this episode, we started to kind of think about what the term home for the holidays meant. Like what does it mean to be home for the holidays? And so, queda, like what does it mean? Like literally, like, like, very literally, what does home for the holidays look like for you? You know, I think the first thing I think about when I think about home for the holidays, I think about how home means so many like in the physical sense. It means so many different places. For me, you know, as a middle adult, like when I say I'm going home, I'm coming to this house, this house that I paid a mortgage on, you know, and that home for me is a place that I am, you know, very much in control of.

7:50 I set the pace, I'm building this life for myself and and I'm deciding what that life looks like, you know, and and I'm trying to constantly thinking about, like what my future is going to be and what things I want to add to the life that I've been building. But then there's this other home, which is like your home of origin, which is like you know, where you, where you during the holiday season, you're going back and you're being amongst the people that, like you were, you grew up with. You know, like your parents, your siblings, you know now there's more people, there's nieces and nephews, and you know more cousins and more family members, and there is, but there is, a sense of bringing you back to a place of just remembrance and nostalgia and reflection, you know, and it's always it's kind of like your two worlds, kind of like meeting together, like you know, like it's like this life that I'm building and this place that I'm trying to get myself to, meeting with the life that I came from and was birthed from, and it always brings about the sense of okay, am I still headed in the direction that I had hoped to be heading from?

9:02 Did I take everything from this home of origin that I wanted to keep? Have I started throwing out the stuff that needs to be heading from? Did I take everything from this home of origin that I wanted to keep? Have I started throwing out the stuff that needs to be thrown out? Am I building into the person that I had hoped for? And so I think that that's why, a lot of times during the holiday season, people get you know, they call it like seasonal depression, but I also think that it is a part of it is like these worlds colliding, because it really is kind of like a meeting of the past and the present, where, you know, for some of us who have, you know, lost loved ones, it's remembering you know there's so much remembrance that happens during the holiday season and remembering what life was and having to figure out what life is now and how I'm going to move forward, and I think that it's just a really, really great time to do some of that really really deep, reflective work.

9:53 I love how you said it's kind of a meeting of the past and the present, because there were so many years as a young adult where my past and my present looked so similar and it was so frustrating. And it was like you know what I'm saying. So, you're used to your present and then, whenever you get in the midst of people that you don't see on a regular basis, they ask you so what have you been up to? What's life look like now. What, what is, and it's like it looked like the way it would. Last time I talked to you Like there's nothing different, and I remember for years like not all my I'm going to say all for a lot of my young adult years, I didn't like answering that question.

10:48 It was really. It was very disheartening a lot of times because I really it was like man, like I would love to have a different narrative, but I don't, and I don't know what to do about that. Right, and I and so that. So I think that's that might be like how a lot of people feel right now. Right, during during this season. It's like things your, your, your life feels like, even though it's not. I mean, there are absolutely things you can pinpoint that are different, but it's it's not just different, it's the different that matters to other people. Right, let's be honest.

11:28 Right, everybody doesn't care about your job unless it's a big job. Right, let's just be real. Right, they don't necessarily care about the way you act. I can't explain to people what I do. Right. I mean really, they don't even understand. You know what I'm saying. They're like you're a professor, right, and I'm like no. Like it's very. It's like okay, well, no, I mean I did have a good year, but I didn't necessarily make any more money, I didn't get a new job title, I didn't do anything super cool, but it was a good year, and it's like, oh, that's not very interesting. Nobody really cares unless it's a big deal. Nobody. You know they care about that and of course, you know the whole relationship thing.

12:11 Let's be honest, we've all been there. We've all been there when you walk into let's be, people care about your relationship, life and that's. They say it real subtly. So it's always this. So it's like here's my mama, any prospects, any prospects. And I can always see when she winding up to it, cause you know she started looking at me and then she was like so you got any prospects? If I'm asking you, you got any prospects? Huh, you ask me. I'm asking you. All right, we're going to stop this. We're going to stop this foolishness. I told you when I got something to tell you, I'm going to tell you about it.

12:56 All right, I'll let you know when I need to let you know, if there's somebody that I need to let you know about, but currently, no, oh, my goodness. You know, and I also think you know. Here's the reality, here's the reality. We're going to jump straight into it. Right, let's just get down to it. You know, I think for me, single woman, a birthday in three days. You know, I'll say it. You know we about to hit that Now. We're about to be officially late 30s. Right now, when I tell people, when people ask me how old I am, I'm like so, I'm in the middle 30s, but I'm in the end of the middle 30s, and they're like 37, and I'm like that's hilarious, but now I'm like so I'm in the late 30s.

13:45 But I'm at the beginning of the late 30s, you know. But you know, I think, that there are so many people around me, you know, I think that there is this notion. Like you know, this year I got a new job. I went through a healing class. You know, I up the game on so many things regarding my health and regarding kind of like, my finances and like I've made so many things better in my life, but when I go home it's got to be prospects, you know, and it's like this, this idea about you know the success of your life being circulating around, like, okay, but are you married, though?

14:27 And it's, and I think it's because like, and it's recognizing as a single woman, that this is everyone's fear. Right, this is, and this is not just me, and it's not just our generation, this has been for women for centuries. Historical, that's right, yeah it is how are you going to make it in life if you have not gotten a man? And I'm like, well, somehow me and the Lord have figured it out. Okay, and it's not my intention to stay here, but I need y'all to stop centering my identity and the hope for my future around, if there is, if I walk in the door with somebody, you know, because you know I've, and I and I have to fight that you know not, not necessarily when I go home, but it's.

15:15 It has now become an internal struggle because I have to maintain my sense of self and saying, no, I really am okay, not content. You know like cause I'm still. My hope and my desire is still that, but I'm really okay and I feel like my life is still prospering, even though that thing has not come. But it's really difficult when everyone else centers your, your success, your virtue, you know, around this. You know well where's the man. If you so successful, you know, if you so good at life, then then you would have a man and I'm like I would just be in a really good space.

15:58 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I will say I'm in that second, second layer where they ask you about the children you know. And it's like, can I, can I just be married? Like, is that OK? No, we already have one. Right, we have one and I it's. But you know, he's my bonus child. So it's like, well, are y'all going to, are y'all gonna have kids? And it's like, can you give us a minute? Like I mean, you know, and I mean, but I get that, I got that today and it's fine and I have, I'm not, I'm fine, but it is that that these are the things that matter.

16:39 Like and there I think I think there's some, not some. There's a lot of validity to that, because the things that people care about most are things surrounding people. You know what I mean. Like so relationships and people matters matter the most to people, and so it's like okay, sometimes it translates to me as, like people, it's like the question about these kind of stages of our life it's like, um, I don't, you know, are you going to always be alone? You know I, you know, I don't want you to be alone, I don't want you to not have anybody, or what's life going to look like and all this stuff.

17:22 And it is this presumption that there's no other way to manage, um, to, to, to, to manage, uh, that. What do I want to say? I was going to say to manage loneliness, but just because you're alone doesn't mean you're lonely, and so I think that there's. So it's an assumption that there's no other way to manage aloneness. In somebody's mind, like the way to not be alone is to be married. The way to not be alone is to have children and, oddly enough, for some people either one of those works Like it's like okay, well, are you going to have a kid? It's like, well, all right, don't those things. That's fine, they don't always go together for some folks, but it's like, don't be alone.

18:06 Don't be alone, like have people. And I get it, like I can understand why it's so close, why it matters so much, why there's so much concern around it, but it doesn't always feel good to be in the spotlight around that. And sometimes it can be a little. It seems a little. It can feel like people can be insensitive to that. Um when, and especially again going back to what you said the present and the past? Um are going back to what you said the present and the past have been the same for so long. And you know, I think, because I remember when we were in college, you know, just thinking about timeline things I remember thinking like I'll be married around 26, you know, and by 28, I'll have my first child, then another at 30 and another at 32.

19:00 Cause, like the two year age gap is like perfect Right, you know, and like, after hitting kind of like some of those, some of those points, now it's like you know, I'm about to be 38 and it's like so we're get married hopefully, you know, sometime within the next year, and then the three kids is probably out the window, all right, unless we pop them all out at once or it's somebody coming with them. You know, I'm saying it's like you come with, yeah, yeah yeah, listen, it's you know. But I think, like realizing, I think this year, more than any other year, it hit that, like my life is not what I expected from my twenties, like the life that I have now is not the life that 25 year old Jaquita was building in her head, wow, and I think that there is there's a layer of grieving that has to be done about that.

20:04 That's good, you know, because you had these expectations and even when good things start happening, you start building them around the expectations and the hopes that you built when you were 25. Right, so when I get a new job, I'm like got this new job. He about to come. Now, here come the husband and the kids because got the new job. Oh, I'm in this little healing class, I'm about to be healed and ready to go now because he's coming. You know, made a new friend. It's time. Wow, got my finances together. This is it. He coming now and it's like you don't even realize that you are allowing your world to revolve around an expired hope.

20:53 Oh, that's good. You know what I'm saying, and expired. hope Woo, that's good. You know what I'm saying, and it's not that you're not supposed to have those things. It's that you are trying to build a life based on a 25-year-old vision when you a 38-year-old woman. Paul, you got to stop there. Stop, stop, stop. Don't go no further. Pause. Let that sink in. You're trying to build a life around, a 28, 25-year-old's vision as a 38-year-old woman. That, right there, girl, if that ain't because you know, golly, like that hits. I think that's really important to sink in.

21:35 That just that hits. I think that's really important to sink in because it's like how do you unlearn, how do you unlearn, how do you unlearn living? in your reality today, girl, you know, and I think the thing is is that you, I think the bigger thing is is that you don't have to unlearn the hope. You have to unlearn the lifestyle that you built around the hope, right, this lifestyle of expectation and disappointment. And I'm centering everything around this thing because I'm waiting on this thing to manifest and you have centered your life around.

22:22 When this thing comes, I'll be complete because 25-year-old me will finally have what she set out to get. And 38 year old, you doesn't have a chance to prosper because you still have her focused on something that the Lord really needed you to give to him, because you're holding onto it so hard and so closely and so tightly. You are centering your life around him and around it and the Lord is like give it to me so you can focus your life on me. Wow, wow. But you know, there are just so many things you know, and it's not just husband and our wife, our kids, you know, cause we do have male listeners Shout out to our guys Okay, yeah, thank you.

23:12 You know, it's not just relationships, it's I was supposed to be at this financial status right now. I was supposed to have the house I was supposed to have, you know, a management position, or I was supposed to have my own business, or I was supposed to have that. We don't step back and say, lord, what is it that you're really doing in my life right now that I can't see Because my attention is so drawn by 25 year old me still talking in my ear.

23:55 Man. This is so. What it's also making me think is like and maybe this is my own like, maybe this is the way I have, I just deal with things, but it's hard to remember the. It's hard to remember all that god did do and who you have become. When you have, when you're focused on what you don't have and who you're not like it, and so when you look, it's like if you stay in your 25 year old vision self and you're still striving for what 25 year old, you know with Abigail wanted and thought she would have, and it's like it's just taking a little longer to get there you missed.

24:47 I mean 25 to 38, that's 13 years, right, like 13 years of growth, 13 years of becoming somebody different, 13 years of growth, 13 years of becoming somebody different. And it's almost like you're dishonoring the person you've become by continuing to want what that person wanted. But it's like, how do we now reevaluate what is 38-year-old Abigail Warren? What do I want today? What's real today? What can I celebrate today? I want today, what's real today? What can I celebrate today? Like what is, and over the years, like the vision. I may not have had that vision, but there were so many, but God had a vision for those 13 years. And so what do we just?

25:30 throw that out? We just throw it out because it wasn't mine that out? we just throw it out because it wasn't mine. We dishonored god's vision. Listen, listen. Can I jump in? Let me in, let me in. Listen. Here's the thing. 25 year old, you was broken, was building a vision centered around trauma and unmet needs. 25 year old, you had no clear perspective of this. Is some of these dreams and visions and hopes I have built around empty places inside of me. The things that you're calling a dream or a hope or a vision for your future is actually a structure that you built around a need that didn't get met in your childhood and you are trying to build a life around getting that need met.

26:25 So, do you really want a husband or do you want somebody? Do you want to feel validated and accepted and loved? Do you really want a spouse or do you want your self-esteem back? Because there are things that at 25, let's all be real Nobody had it. Nobody had nothing figured out at 25. Right, I didn't even know what I was good at at 25. I knew I was good at going to school. What are you good at? For real, I'm good at taking classes. Right, you know, and so you know. We built when we, when we were thinking about. When I thought about what a husband looked like when I was 25, I thought about, you know, somebody that would love me unconditionally, somebody that would cover me and protect me.

27:19 Protection was huge. You know, I think that, like when I was 25, I didn't realize that, like I, there were so many things I hadn't even dealt with yet. You know, like it wasn't until I was 28 that I was like, huh, my parents' divorce might've had a little impact. So for me to be sitting in college at 22, being like 26, is it? I'm going to get married and have babies by 28. And I still haven't even really processed, you know, what that younger life, what all I brought to the table. You know, and I think for me, especially after going through the healing journey that I just went through.

28:00 And again, if anybody has any questions about healing the heart or that whole curriculum, I can't answer the questions about the curriculum, but I can point you to where you can sign up. Okay, to begin going through your own process. But I didn't realize that I was building a life around brokenness, that I was building a life around what I have, you know, and so it took a while to really understand that. And now you know that I've gone through the process. I'm ready to build something that's built around a hope that's founded in my faith and trust in God.

28:42 So one of the things I think is really uh is is really important, I think to point out is that we're talking about this um idea of our expectations at 25 and, like you know, the vision we had in our life for our lives at 25, and like being 38 and it not you know, and kind of being stuck in that vision. But the reality is some people got all those things at 25, 26, 27. And sometimes there's also this reconciliation, like why not me? You own something right there. You know what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know like it's so, for our story is, yeah, like there were some things at that age that I didn't feel like was fulfilled, the things that you know.

29:37 Most women in America 25, 26, 27, 28, you know marriage, children, pop, pop, pop. You know we're, we're doing that whole thing. By the time we get to this age, we got teenagers and that didn't happen for us, but it happened for others, yeah, and it's not that they were more you know advanced Right, or had their stuff more together Right, exactly. So to your point, like you know, this idea of if I just get my stuff together or if I just make sure, you know, if I just make sure that I'm out of debt, if I make sure that I get the house, if I make sure that I'm at this point in my career, if I make sure that I know how to make time, if I do all the things I'm supposed to do, I'll get what it is I want.

30:21 And the reality is that logic doesn't even make sense, because a lot of people who got the things that they wanted when you wanted it, didn't have those things together either. Yeah. So what do you do with? that. With that, you know, I think that you know, there's a lot of different ways that I've approached this, this you know dilemma through the years. It's, you know, hey, it's all about God's timing. Right, we always like that. Yeah, you know, like it just wasn't. it's just not my time. You know not my time, and you know all the work he's doing in me. You know, oh and this is my favorite you know your, what God has for you is so big, what God is going to do in your life is going to be so amazing that he had to take his time, had to take his time with you.

31:15 He's take his time, had to take his time with you. He's taking his time, had to take his time. But I think that this is where it is really important that we not compartmentalize our lives Because, yes, if I am looking at this one thing, at this one thing, yes, it may seem like, or it may feel like, people got there before me, right, it may seem like, or it may feel like, yes, like you know, my friend got married at 25 and I'm here in the beginning of my late thirties and it hasn't happened for me yet. Right, but you have to, and I know it's hard to do, but you have to take a step back and you have to say Lord, my life is not compartmentalized to where I have to put all my attention on this one thing.

32:08 The Bible says that all things work together for the good, for the good of those that love God. And you have to, you have to remind yourself that there are some things in my life that God has given me a head start in that is going to work for the good of my whole life and not just be looking for the good of this one thing and that goes back to the conversation we were having earlier, where you have and this is, I think, the real thing to note is did you make, did you make, marriage, children, whatever?

32:51 Did you make that your answer to whatever need or whatever question you had about yourself growing up? Did you make that an answer? And the reality of it is is that a lot of us have to dismantle or dismantle some of the things that we made into idols, because the Lord is not going to have anybody standing in his place In any area of your life where you have made something else, the answer, the solution, the outcome, anything in your life that you have made into that, the Lord's going to deal with you about that and you are going to have to tear that.

33:38 You're going to tear that idol down in the old Testament Anytime. The Kings um, I think Gideon did it, I think a bunch of the Kings you know when they said that this was a King who you know served the Lord. The first thing they did was they went in the city, they went to the high places in the city, tore down all the idols, tore down all the false gods, tore down all the things that people were worshiping that were not God. And you are going to have to do that with your life. You are going to have to. You are now at a place where the Lord is saying I have given you rule and reign over these areas of your life. I've made you a king. I've made you a king, I've made you a queen. I've given you position and authority to go through your life and tear down the idols, tear down the high places, because that's what the issue is is that it is really easy to make a good thing right.

34:35 A good thing a wife, a husband, a marriage, a child, these are all really really good things. But it is so easy to justify making those things your hope, your full hope, making those things your God, and making those things idols. And yeah, I get it, cause I feel like I can hear the voices of the singles around me, cause I too am with you. I get it. People, people be saying stuff like this and they get on your nerves. I understand, you know, just like they say just when, right, when you're not looking no more, that's when they coming. You know, see, cause you got to be busy in the field, like Ruth. And once you get out there in that field, like Ruth, and get to working, all right, that's when it's coming.

35:21 But honestly, until you get to a point where your hope, my hope, is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness. But until you get to a point where, where you have backed away from the thing yeah, you backed away from the thing and not made it your whole identity and your whole pursuits. You know what I'm saying, like, and I think here's the other thing, here's the other piece. I'm going to give it to you Because I think you know, when we put it in the framework of God is a jealous God and he'll have no other gods before him.

36:04 Absolutely true. But what else is absolutely true is that God loves you and God sees the whole picture of who you are. One thing that I feel like I've been learning coming into these, you know, middle adult years, and and I think that the you think that, even in reflecting over this past year and kind of really beginning to tear down some of the structures that I had built that supported 25-year-old Jaquita, that supported her idealism and all of the things that she was, that she romanticized, because at 25. Marriage was not a hard thing, are you serious?

36:46 Marriage was a beautiful pursuit of joy and love and happiness. Why would anyone not want every day, to wake up with the person you fell in love with? You know, like there was. No, there was no realness to what I was, what I was pursuing after Um. But when I the thing I think that I've gotten the most from this year, as I'm, as I'm like, fully settled into these, you know, middle adult years, is that there is a picture for my life that God always had right, when I surrendered the plans that I made and started saying, okay, lord, what are the plans that you made for me?

37:31 Because I want to dwell in the vision of God for my life. And it got really scary, especially towards this last quarter. This last quarter, y'allall, she hit hard. Okay, it got really scary because I felt like I didn't know myself. You know, I felt like. I felt like I got a new job and, although I like what I do, it's not what I was doing and it's not what I've been telling people I'm passionate about. For, like the last, you know, 10, 12 years I've been in higher education. You know it's. It's completely different. It's a completely different flow. It's a completely different outlook.

38:13 It's a it's. It's a completely different me and I'm having to deal with the fact that maybe I'm not not that I am a different person, but maybe some of the pieces of me that I was building up, I built around, I built around temporary structures and now God is bringing me to a place of permanence of. Because you're looking through the eyes. I think the Bible says that you would have the eyes of understanding. Because you're looking through the eyes, I think the Bible says that you would have the eyes of understanding. Because you're looking now through the eyes of understanding and you are so aligned with the purpose and plan of God that you are seeing yourself.

38:56 When you really begin to see yourself the way that God sees you and you start building a life that's built around the way that God sees you and not built off of the false ways that you saw yourself before, it is like a real season of reconstruction and that thing is scary. Especially, I was in class the other day and I was telling my classmates. I was like I really thought all this rediscovering stuff happened in your twenties and you did that one good time and it's like I know myself now. But here I am almost 38. And I'm like I am rediscovering. I'm rediscovering Jaquita and that that that is not something I put on my 2024 bingo card Rediscovery, absolutely not.

39:43 2024 bingo card, rediscovery, absolutely not. And I'll say this one thing. Then I'm going to pass the ball when you are rediscovering yourself, right, and for me it's rediscovery, but for God it's uncovering, because God is like I already knew all this. I'm just glad you're finally seeing who I really made you to be Right, but to be uncovering and walking in the newness of everything that God is doing, but to still balance that out with okay, but I do still have these hopes and these desires, but I'm a new person, these hopes and these desires, but I'm a new person.

40:27 And God. But it also brings you to the reality of Lord. What would have happened if I had gotten it before? I did the change, like before I really settled into the plan of God for my life, you know, before I really settled into believing in who God says that I am, you know, and not that I didn't before. But it's different. Y'all. And middle adults, y'all understand me, y'all know. Y'all know, you know. Young adults, y'all. Y'all didn't know y'all was going to have to go through a double, a double identity phase. Okay, and I'm sure there might be another one. Yeah, okay, but you know, apparently the sixties is a time. Yeah, yeah, you know, apparently the 60s is a time. Yeah, yeah, you know, but I just wanted to put that out there for anybody who feels like what is this new season of discovery?

41:09 It is God bringing you into his original intention. Yeah and I. That's. That's really good. I think that as you were talking, a couple of things came to mind. One of them is you know we go through this, like you were kind of saying earlier. You know it's like we do these the right things. It's thinking, when I do the right things, then I'll get the thing I want, and that perspective still keeps you stuck in that kind of uh, very compartmentalized vision, right, um, and the old vision. But when we do the right things for the sake of doing the right things, like you do, the things that are make, that are making you better, you grow for the sake of growing like, not for the sake of getting like, but just grow for the sake of growing.

42:04 And one of the things that I I I've said this before in other episodes there's a guy named Myron Golden. He's a business leader, pastor, you know speaker, author, all that and he has this concept. He has coined this concept be, do, have. And the idea is we want these things, we want to have these things, but you can't have certain things unless you do certain things, but you can't do certain things, unless you become a person who does those things. So we look at these people who have all these things, have named the thing let's say they have.

42:46 They have this huge house, they have the house, they have their dream home. Well, in order to get that, you would have to do some things. To get that. There are some things that you have to do, but there are some. There's a way you have to become people who have their dream home. Can't be lazy, it's not an option, right, laziness isn't an option. Distracted Right, you're not. You're not going to. People who who have that art are distracted people. You know, you. You aren't wishy washy, right, there are things that you have to be. There are ways you have to be in order to do the things, to get those things and to keep them right.

43:27 And so I think that where we the problem is, we focus so much on getting the thing we want that we lose sight of who we have to become. And the reality is, when you focus on the becoming, the things become a lot less important because you understand the beauty and just the becoming, and those things come, like the things you want show up. But it's not about that, right, it's about the becoming phase. And so I think the question that I, um, that I have in my and that's kind of and I'm the wondering that's in my mind, is who are you trying to become?

44:11 Are you trying to become the person that you? Are you trying to become more of who you actually are, or are you trying to recreate the 25 year old? Ooh, you know, know, I'm saying are you trying to get bangers? Are you trying to, are you trying to recreate that, that 25 year old to make sure that she or he gets what she wants? Yeah or are you becoming? Are you living in the becoming that you've already become? Yeah. Right, I've become this person, but if I, if I, if I continue to allow myself and to allow these seasons and again we'll go back to this holiday season, right, Allow these seasons and these moments and this going home kind of you know whether you're literally going home or just home, allowing us to put it in the mind frame of what I don't have, where I'm not, what, what is what I wish I, what I wish would have happened, and uh, you know cause, when we go home, let's be.

45:20 I mean, when I go home and I'm around my siblings, I revert back to the 15, 16, 17 year old. You know what I'm saying. Like we, we get, we get there, right. And or when I'm around my parents, I don't want to do anything. Like I'm looking for my mom, what? Well, you know where's dinner? Or mom, what is it, hey, where the breakfast at like. Come on, man, like I'm not trying to really be an adult around my parents, like that's not how I want to be. So you kind of revert back, right, you, you, you eat way more than you should. You know this, right you, you, you're way lazier than you normally would be. Oh, absolutely. And. But that's absolutely, that's how we are right, you kind of, and so it's like your whole mental state just kind of goes back into that mode, which which could be really cool, but also it could put you back in that mind frame of I, I ain't got it, I'm not I'm not where I want to be right and it puts you in that mind frame of like, hey, this is this is, this is what I wish I where I wish I really where I wish I was.

46:22 I'm coming home again by myself oh right like that that's tough, that's tough, and but the reality is, every year that you came home by yourself was still a year that you became somebody different that's good you're not the same, but you will never see that if you keep harping on. But I keep showing up with the same story that other people care about. Um, and I think the, the, the just just owning that first of all right is is is, I think, really important and just okay. As we are going into the to this holiday season, as we're going in, as we're going home, making plans to go home, spend time around family, and I can't get over the way you put it, guida Is the vision for your life the same as it like?

47:18 Are you still trying to create the vision of the 25? For us it's the 25 year old, for some people maybe the 18 year old, for some people maybe 27. Some people maybe 30. Are you trying to recreate that? Is that what you're going, and you can't wait to go home and tell them what you wanted to tell them at 25? Lord, you know and I think that we have to be so like, you gotta get to the space where you are vulnerable enough to deal with. What all have you attached to the hope you know like you have attached, like I'm gonna show them, I'm bringing me somebody home.

48:08 Everybody, shut your trap. Here he is. You know like are like the expectations are like. You know the embarrassment are. You know, like there are things, even when the thing comes, you know it's not just a person, for some people it's a thing. You know that thing. If you have not dealt with you when that thing comes, it's not going to fill that void. No, it's not. If you have not really dealt with you, you know it's going to come and you're going to realize that the blessing actually came with a lot of work, israelites praying 400 years to be delivered, and then you get out and you're like right, it was back for us in Egypt.

48:56 You know you don't want to get to the point to where, when God finally does bring that thing, that person, that opportunity into your life that you have put so much expectation on it that you're not able to live in the moment and enjoy the fruit of it, that's right, that, um, I think that if you are not listen to me, young adult, middle adult, wherever you at if you are not dealing with the honesty of what it is that you feel like your life has areas of your life that you feel have been unfairas of your life, where you feel like you didn't get what you needed.

49:44 Areas of your life where you have felt angry or sad or grieving, or you felt like, you know, you weren't given everything that you were supposed to have in that moment. If you don't go back to those moments and really you know that one episode we talked about how the stones that we leave in our soul become threats to the promise If you don't go and really start unearthing some of this stuff, when the seed comes, it's not going to be able to take root and you're not going to be able to build a rooted, grounded relationship with him because of all of the things that are undealt with.

50:30 That's what a stone is. It's the things that you refuse to deal with, and so they sit in your soul and you expect things to grow around it. They will prevent things from taking root in your life, and so the promises, and I think that this is something that I really, really, really had to sit down and settle with is that, if the Lord sent the promise, have you unearthed the things in your soul that would prevent that thing from really growing? Because the Lord can present you with a thing. But the Lord? There's a song that I just keep having on repeat and it's basically saying that God's not finished until it's good.

51:16 God's not going to bring something in your life that is not good. The Bible says that if you ask for a fish, will he give you a serpent? No, he's not. You're asking for something that you are not going to be able to maintain. And if you ask God for a tree, for something rooted, grounded, that will produce fruit for generations and generations to come, if you're asking him for a tree and he brings you the tree and it can't take root, it's not going to be good for you. Yeah, that's right. The hurt of losing the promise will be greater than never having it. Yes, and you? What I think, something that I have learned, is that I am not the no limit soldier.

51:57 I cannot. Do not call me sister soldier. That is not me. I cannot. Do not call me sister soldier. That is not me. I can't. I don't know what I can take or not take. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I can handle or not handle, but I trust that God knows that's right, and if it hasn't come into my life yet, it wasn't going to be good. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

52:41 See you then.