Middle Adult Talks with RA and Jaquetta: Mentorship, Investing In Yourself, Going From Comfort To Greatness, and Embracing the Awkward Moments

Transcript

WEBVTT

00:00:06.107 --> 00:00:08.971
and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.

00:00:08.971 --> 00:00:23.408
I am your host, ruth abigail aka ra, and this is the podcast that is helping people gain the courage to change their minds so that they can experience more freedom, and this is a new segment.

00:00:23.408 --> 00:00:28.236
So we are diving into a brand new segment of the Unlearned Podcast.

00:00:28.236 --> 00:00:40.310
We have our series that we do, and we also have Freedom Fridays, and now we're adding a third segment that includes a co-host, my homie, jaquita Ross.

00:00:40.310 --> 00:00:41.173
What's up, jaquita?

00:00:41.173 --> 00:00:42.506
What's up?

00:00:42.847 --> 00:00:43.713
Everything's good.

00:00:43.713 --> 00:00:45.993
Hello to the people All right.

00:00:45.993 --> 00:00:46.758
Hello to the people.

00:00:46.758 --> 00:00:47.981
I'm so excited to be here.

00:00:47.981 --> 00:00:50.088
We're about to have a fantastic time.

00:00:50.088 --> 00:00:51.271
Ruth, this is going to be fun.

00:00:51.659 --> 00:00:52.723
It's going to be dope Going to be dope.

00:00:52.723 --> 00:01:05.512
So, for those of you that may remember, jaquita has been a guest several times on the podcast and so, because she is one of my best friends, I felt like it was totally appropriate for me to ask her.

00:01:05.512 --> 00:01:08.156
That's her language.

00:01:08.156 --> 00:01:15.674
My language is invite Okay, invite into this amazing experience.

00:01:15.674 --> 00:01:18.480
If you want to feel used, that is perfectly fine.

00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:20.584
You ask God to use you all the time.

00:01:20.584 --> 00:01:21.406
Here he go.

00:01:22.987 --> 00:01:26.692
Okay, that was, that was good that was good.

00:01:26.754 --> 00:01:28.114
Thank you very much.

00:01:28.114 --> 00:01:29.302
Thank you very much.

00:01:29.302 --> 00:01:32.549
That was good you did.

00:01:32.549 --> 00:01:33.870
You did your big one with that one.

00:01:33.870 --> 00:01:35.921
Okay, thank you, thank you, that's all I'm saying.

00:01:35.921 --> 00:01:36.644
That's all I'm saying.

00:01:36.644 --> 00:01:37.406
That's all I'm saying.

00:01:37.406 --> 00:01:46.822
So we, we are, and and y'all, just so you know like this segment is, uh, new, we're just getting going, and so we're still working out some kinks.

00:01:46.822 --> 00:02:04.004
But one thing that we do know is that we both have a heart for younger leaders, and so we really want to be talking to a lot of younger people, and we say leaders, you know, not just people in the professional world, but anybody who is in a position that is moving forward in your life.

00:02:04.004 --> 00:02:20.455
You're a leader, right, and so you have the opportunity to be one, and so we want to use this segment to really invest into that group, because we've been younger and we have been put in positions and we're not younger no more.

00:02:20.475 --> 00:02:32.402
You know what I'm saying we're younger than a lot of people, but now I'm old and I'm never Okay, so you have to understand.

00:02:32.402 --> 00:02:34.268
Let me just say this jaquita is a preacher and I you know, she, I don't.

00:02:34.268 --> 00:02:41.852
It's this, so just know, sometimes we're probably gonna get a little bit more churchy than I'm gonna get churchy.

00:02:41.852 --> 00:02:46.003
That's jaquita's fault, let's just, it's gonna get churchy don't listen to her.

00:02:46.125 --> 00:02:47.728
Okay, we're gonna have a good time.

00:02:47.728 --> 00:02:51.002
I'm actually I'm not I can live in both worlds, okay.

00:02:51.002 --> 00:02:53.966
Well, I'm in the world, I'm not of the world.

00:02:54.347 --> 00:03:02.463
Oh god, okay all right, okay, no, no, we're gonna have fun, fun.

00:03:02.463 --> 00:03:04.687
So anyway we are.

00:03:04.687 --> 00:03:06.509
We really want to invest in that group.

00:03:06.509 --> 00:03:30.288
We really want to invest in younger leaders, because something that and I won't take credit for it, because we just said it in a conversation we had but we both invest into younger people who invest in the younger people, and so we have these layers of of of people that are younger than us that we get to deal with in some way and so we get to serve you right.

00:03:30.448 --> 00:03:37.888
Oh, we get to pour into, deal with me, pour into, yeah, yeah, you right, you right, you right, my bad, my bad.

00:03:37.888 --> 00:03:39.395
Anyway, that's what we're doing.

00:03:39.395 --> 00:03:40.781
That's what this segment is all about.

00:03:40.781 --> 00:03:56.480
So, if you have younger people in your life, make sure to share this segment with them and really, you know, kind of use it maybe to start conversations or give them insight into certain things.

00:03:56.480 --> 00:04:13.709
Like I said, we're starting this thing up, so we to want this to be useful and encouraging and challenging, because these are, these are the people that are going to run our world.

00:04:13.709 --> 00:04:24.951
You know, we we, we have been those people and we're getting into a place where we have a lot more influence, and so the people underneath us are just going to jump right in line.

00:04:24.951 --> 00:04:27.507
So, you know, we want to be able to invest in them with what we know.

00:04:28.519 --> 00:04:32.827
You know I always one perfect things that you said.

00:04:32.827 --> 00:05:02.351
I always think about how, when I moved into like a deeper level of leadership, that I moved from impact to influence, where in the beginning of kind of like my journey in higher ed, where I was just kind of like focused on, you know, getting my programs off the ground, making sure that the things that I was doing was successful, versus actually leading people to do successful things, you know I was much more focused on impact and how can I make things great.

00:05:02.351 --> 00:05:17.810
But when I moved to influence, it's like something flipped where now the way that I approach, kind of like you know how I lead other people is how can I help to tailor their impact so that one day they can also influence?

00:05:17.810 --> 00:05:33.348
So I think that it's an interesting space to be in where I'm trying to make them really successful at their jobs, but I'm also trying to like give them the little nuggets that are going to make them the leader that I know they're going to have to shift into one day.

00:05:33.348 --> 00:05:37.062
And I and I think a good part of that is just about being a middle adult.

00:05:37.423 --> 00:05:42.620
You know, when we hit 35, okay, no need to put the ages out there no need.

00:05:42.620 --> 00:05:55.466
We hit 35 and we kept living All right, 35 and some years after, don't worry about how many, right, but when we hit 35, it just really hit a point where, like a line was drawn in the sink.

00:05:55.466 --> 00:05:59.420
You know there's a before 35 and an after, amen, amen.

00:05:59.420 --> 00:06:03.250
You know there's an over here and there's an up yonder.

00:06:03.250 --> 00:06:09.168
You know, up yonder, man, that is bad, jaquita that was bad come on.

00:06:09.288 --> 00:06:18.920
It's a middle of dope terminology up yonder, whoa, all right, slow down, low down, get it together.

00:06:18.920 --> 00:06:39.490
But you know, when we hit 35, it really did usher in a new season where it was much more, much less about what I do and how well I do it, and much more about what am I pouring, what am I sharing, how am I serving the people that are going to come behind me.

00:06:39.860 --> 00:06:43.389
You know, like the word legacy, I think, means something very different.

00:06:43.389 --> 00:06:59.824
The older you get, Legacy used to mean I would be remembered for what I did, and now legacy is more about I will be remembered by the people who model their leadership after mine, and so I think it's just a really different perspective to have.

00:06:59.824 --> 00:07:19.173
So I'm excited to kind of start thinking through how do we shift these people younger leaders, how do we these people was crazy how do we shift younger leaders into like thinking through how do they approach challenges?

00:07:19.173 --> 00:07:26.934
How do they approach moving into the next season of their life and kind of pushing past potential and integrateness?

00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:58.307
Yeah, I think the thing that I really like about the concept of unlearning is it really pushes you into forcing yourself to deal with what you have learned right, and it's like, all right, if I'm going to unlearn something, the first step has to be what is it that I think I know, and so some of the things that are what I've been taught right that are no longer healthy for me, and how do we begin to shift that?

00:07:58.307 --> 00:08:08.134
And so I think one of the things that we are taught to do right when we get a certain age actually is to be afraid.

00:08:08.134 --> 00:08:30.860
I think we're taught fear and you see that, like, I have a nine-year-old, and you know tyson, yeah, you know the nine-year-old tyson, the son, okay, and you know he's nine, he's, he's not afraid of much.

00:08:30.860 --> 00:08:33.186
He's not afraid of much, he he's.

00:08:33.186 --> 00:08:37.802
He's jumping into things, he's digging in dirt, not knowing what's gonna be there.

00:08:37.863 --> 00:08:43.809
You know he's, uh, he's, he's walking up to people that he doesn't know and just you know he'll say I like your shoes, or hi.

00:08:43.809 --> 00:08:45.539
You that he doesn't know, and just you know he'll say I like your shoes or hi.

00:08:45.539 --> 00:09:02.715
You know he doesn't have any inhibitions, thank you, all right, and so that kind of spirit begins to wear off the older you get, right For sure.

00:09:02.715 --> 00:09:11.532
And so I think that and it's because you know well, hold on, you know we say my time like hold on man, like don't do that or be careful or whatever.

00:09:11.532 --> 00:09:21.082
Now I'm not saying you don't want to, you don't want to help younger children be cautious, because you got to keep them safe on some level right.

00:09:21.082 --> 00:09:48.001
But there is a line where it's like sometimes we can overdo it and take away the excitement of just exploring without fear and as we get older we no longer have the desire to step out without thinking about it and just trying stuff and so I think, especially when you get to.

00:09:48.062 --> 00:09:59.475
So you go through school and you go through this culture where you're constantly tested and you live in this pass fail kind of environment forever.

00:10:00.136 --> 00:10:04.784
And most people are afraid to fail, right, we don't want that because it's a bad stigma.

00:10:04.784 --> 00:10:10.653
So then you graduate and you say well, my goal in life is not to fail.

00:10:10.653 --> 00:10:16.639
So if I don't want to fail, oftentimes I don't try new things because I'll fail at that, right.

00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:28.580
So we have this whole, we've built this young adult culture around try not to fail, which subliminally can mean don't do anything.

00:10:28.580 --> 00:10:31.625
That seems a little hard because you might fail, right.

00:10:31.625 --> 00:10:39.283
And then we get frustrated when they don't reach potential and I think we have to unlearn that we got to unlearn.

00:10:39.283 --> 00:10:52.316
We have to unlearn fear when it comes to kind of your those years of your life and unlearn what failure really is.

00:10:52.655 --> 00:10:55.279
You know what I'm saying yeah, no for sure.

00:10:55.279 --> 00:11:15.385
As you were talking, I started thinking about how, when, when you're Tyson's age, like, you're at that nine year mark, like, and you start to experience different areas of life, it's like, as you know, they are very concrete thinkers at that age, like you know it's it's either it is or either it isn't.

00:11:15.385 --> 00:11:22.850
So when you experience something that first sparks that level of fear in you, let's say it's a social anxiety, right.

00:11:22.850 --> 00:11:29.970
Let's say that, like, you meet somebody and you ask to sit at the table with them and they say, no, I don't want to sit with you.

00:11:29.970 --> 00:11:30.571
Right.

00:11:30.571 --> 00:11:44.350
And now you have a fear of going in to sit down with, to ask somebody to be included, right, to ask for permission to enter a room or to enter a conversation or to enter into an opportunity.

00:11:44.350 --> 00:11:48.205
You have a fear of beginning or starting something Right.

00:11:48.205 --> 00:12:05.530
And it's because at that age, as a concrete thinker, you are creating hard fast rules, right, like you are, like your mind is registering If I ask someone to be included, there is a possibility that they will say no.

00:12:05.530 --> 00:12:10.025
So my hard fast rule is I don't ask to be included, right.

00:12:10.025 --> 00:12:19.208
I don't approach situations in a way where I assume that I'll be invited, or I assume that I'll be welcomed, right.

00:12:19.350 --> 00:12:27.614
And so when we get to like the college age level, you come back in ready to navigate a whole new world.

00:12:27.614 --> 00:12:32.448
But you're coming into a new world with your old rules, right.

00:12:32.448 --> 00:12:35.461
And so you don't even recognize it as fear.

00:12:35.461 --> 00:12:46.716
You recognize it as this is my code, this is how I orient my life, this is how I navigate situations and people and relationships and opportunities.

00:12:46.716 --> 00:12:55.664
I navigate from a code of one day somebody at the lunch table told me I couldn't sit down with them, I don't need anybody, right?

00:12:55.664 --> 00:13:14.529
I've built a code to where not only do I feel like I might be unwelcome, I've also built up a personality or a way of relating to people that's built off of this image of somebody could tell me no, and I don't want to feel that hurt again.

00:13:14.931 --> 00:13:23.582
And so I think a lot of times what I'm finding, especially as I'm dealing with college age students, is that a lot of times you are having to like.

00:13:23.582 --> 00:13:25.485
It's like a little search and rescue mission.

00:13:25.485 --> 00:13:30.653
You are having to search and find where did this code come from?

00:13:30.653 --> 00:13:34.966
Like when did you build this rule and what is it sitting on?

00:13:34.966 --> 00:13:38.840
Like what, where's the stronghold for the churchy folks right?

00:13:38.840 --> 00:13:39.922
Where's the stronghold?

00:13:39.922 --> 00:13:46.914
Where's the thing that somehow has convinced you that you have to be this way, sound this way or act this way?

00:13:46.914 --> 00:13:54.594
Because there was an experience that prompted you to build a narrative that isn't necessarily true.

00:13:55.100 --> 00:14:08.480
And so, when we're thinking about how our younger leaders are approaching their own lives, a lot of times they don't realize that, like I, got some rules that need to be broken.

00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:19.655
Like they, they honestly I need to get rid of some of the code of conduct that I set for myself that made me believe right, find the negative belief.

00:14:19.655 --> 00:14:23.826
If I can find the negative belief that I adopted, then I can get rid of the rule.

00:14:23.826 --> 00:14:40.922
But we oftentimes try to go for behavior rather than going for those belief systems, and I think that that's where, as leaders, as the middle adults amen, as the middle adults we have to be more intentional about being able to see beyond what they're presenting.

00:14:41.943 --> 00:14:44.046
So you talk about these beliefs.

00:14:44.046 --> 00:14:59.087
I think that one of the beliefs that and I would say, probably began really with our generation, is this belief that I am the most important person on this earth.

00:14:59.087 --> 00:15:12.499
That belief is, and therefore let me expand on that so I'm the most important person on this earth and therefore I have to protect myself at all costs.

00:15:12.499 --> 00:15:58.581
I got to protect my peace, I got to protect my sanity, I got to protect all these pieces of myself at all costs, and that should be, should be, that is a that's, that is, that is a code that I adopt, because nature and internal issues that we center ourselves in a world that actually is not revolving around us.

00:16:00.091 --> 00:16:06.663
At first I was slightly disagreeing with you, because that's why I was like I'm going to let her cook.

00:16:07.330 --> 00:16:08.716
Come on, you're supposed to help me.

00:16:10.150 --> 00:16:25.701
But I think I started to understand your point a little bit more toward the end, because I think a lot of people's belief starts at no one believes I'm important but me, and so I have to self-protect.

00:16:25.701 --> 00:16:30.892
Believes I'm important but me, and so I have to self-protect.

00:16:30.892 --> 00:16:41.038
I have to take care of my inner child, essentially, and so a lot of times a lot of fear comes out of the feeling of needing to protect you because you feel like no one else will.

00:16:41.038 --> 00:16:59.994
But I think that what you're saying is a lot of times we are so focused on ourselves that we think that everything, whether we feel good about ourselves or not good about ourselves, whether our esteem is high or it's not, we still have this mindset where the world is kind of spinning around us.

00:17:00.154 --> 00:17:00.254
Am.

00:17:00.434 --> 00:17:02.038
I interpreting that correctly.

00:17:02.100 --> 00:17:03.081
Yes, that's what I'm trying to say.

00:17:03.081 --> 00:17:06.333
Yeah, yeah, yeah, thank you, clean it up you know.

00:17:06.874 --> 00:17:17.842
to be honest, I think that there is a time in life where that is not a necessarily bad or negative way of thinking.

00:17:17.842 --> 00:17:25.325
I think children are like that, children who are protected and loved and welled.

00:17:25.325 --> 00:17:28.712
I think that they do go through that self-centered season.

00:17:28.712 --> 00:17:32.701
I think that life, and leadership, brings you out of that.

00:17:32.701 --> 00:17:40.381
I think that you have to experience life in order to come out of that mode where you are.

00:17:40.381 --> 00:17:43.112
It's me, me, me, me, me.

00:17:43.172 --> 00:17:51.096
I think one of the things about insecurity is that insecurity makes you very self-focused.

00:17:51.096 --> 00:17:58.055
It requires you to be more focused on yourself than you are, on what you're doing, the impact that you're having.

00:17:58.055 --> 00:18:05.113
You're more focused on your flaws, or what you perceive as your flaws, than you are on your potential or on your impact.

00:18:05.113 --> 00:18:29.194
And so it is this inward focus that is always thinking if there's something wrong with me, everyone else is going to see it, instead of thinking I have stuff to contribute, I have potential and value to add, like there's something that I'm doing for someone else versus insecurity makes you think I have to protect my image.

00:18:29.194 --> 00:18:36.497
You think I have to protect my image, I have to protect what people might think of me, and so I think that when you talk about people being self-centered, I think that that's something that they have to grow out of.

00:18:36.497 --> 00:18:47.864
I think humans, I think that that's part of being fallen, you know, is self-centeredness, pride, all of that selfishness.

00:18:47.864 --> 00:18:49.192
I think we're born into that.

00:18:49.392 --> 00:19:07.913
No, absolutely, and I totally agree with that, and I think what I was the thing that was kind of in my head and was I feel like the self-centeredness is reinforced has been reinforced with technology and social media and all the things that we talk about all the time, beginning with our generation.

00:19:07.913 --> 00:19:13.903
I just think that, yes, absolutely, we all go through that stage.

00:19:14.431 --> 00:19:15.073
we all do that.

00:19:15.934 --> 00:19:19.865
I think the difference in this day and age is it's reinforced.

00:19:19.865 --> 00:19:28.963
I mean, it is just over and over and over and over and I think it, and I know it, perpetuates that insecurity.

00:19:28.963 --> 00:19:31.719
All it's doing is just feeding into that.

00:19:31.719 --> 00:19:38.837
And so you know, as you're talking, yeah, you have to grow out of that.

00:19:38.837 --> 00:19:49.304
I don't know how else you grow out of it without having community that helps you see you differently.

00:19:49.304 --> 00:19:50.593
You can't.

00:19:50.593 --> 00:19:51.656
You know what I mean.

00:19:51.656 --> 00:19:54.470
And that is not reinforced in our culture.

00:19:54.470 --> 00:19:56.394
That's not reinforced in our culture.

00:19:57.055 --> 00:20:04.740
Yeah, so there's this really helpful thing that I teach when I teach, when I do workshops, seminars, speaking things.

00:20:04.740 --> 00:20:06.749
There's one thing that I teach when I teach when I do workshops, seminars, speaking things.

00:20:06.749 --> 00:20:13.330
There's one thing that I consistently teach, and it's how to move from the land of potential to the land of greatness.

00:20:13.330 --> 00:20:17.921
Right, and it's a way for me to communicate to young leaders.

00:20:17.921 --> 00:20:20.114
I think that's just going to be what we're going to call them.

00:20:20.134 --> 00:20:22.019
Yeah, I think that's it.

00:20:22.059 --> 00:20:33.634
It sounds, you know, respectful, but you know, when we're talking to young leaders, I say that everyone starts at the base of their potential, right, everyone starts at the.

00:20:33.634 --> 00:20:40.721
Everyone starts at the base of their potential, and so there's a line that I have them draw on the middle of the page.

00:20:40.721 --> 00:20:43.415
Beneath that line is the land of potential.

00:20:43.415 --> 00:21:07.092
Above that line is the land of greatness, and we call that line the line of comfort, right, and when you start at the base of your potential, the only thing that helps you to go further, to go higher and to push toward that line of comfort, so that you can see your way to greatness, is that you have to have a level of investment in your life, right, and so that level of investment can be.

00:21:07.092 --> 00:21:10.701
I'm going to join a program that teaches me about leadership.

00:21:10.701 --> 00:21:13.415
I'm going to get a tutor, right.

00:21:13.415 --> 00:21:21.496
I'm going to get a mentor right, and I talk about the difference between mentors and sponsors and how mentors see potential.

00:21:21.496 --> 00:21:28.691
It is a mentor's job to cultivate potential right, and you have to get people in your life.

00:21:28.691 --> 00:21:37.355
Mentors do not have to be you know these very high up people who say hello, child, I'm here for you, right, like they don't.

00:21:37.355 --> 00:21:40.303
They can literally be your school guidance counselor.

00:21:40.303 --> 00:21:44.518
They can be, you know, an advisor that you meet at college.

00:21:44.518 --> 00:21:47.364
They can be your boss if you got a good one right.

00:21:47.364 --> 00:21:49.759
Like mentors come in different shapes.

00:21:49.759 --> 00:21:52.077
They can be your pastor, right, because I'm churchy.

00:21:52.077 --> 00:21:58.019
Right, they come in different shapes and sizes, right, and they come to us at different points of our life.

00:21:58.019 --> 00:22:10.977
But the goal and the job of a mentor is to develop, is to develop potential, is to develop what they see inside of you and also to develop around potential.

00:22:10.977 --> 00:22:18.396
Right, because they're looking at this person has the potential to be something great, but they got self-doubt around here.

00:22:18.396 --> 00:22:21.443
Right, they have fear around there.

00:22:21.443 --> 00:22:31.430
Right, they have a lack of self-esteem or they don't recognize, they don't know their strengths and their talents, but this potential is sitting in the middle of a person.

00:22:31.430 --> 00:22:39.413
That needs to be activated, right, and so mentors help to sweep what's been covering what's inside of you.

00:22:39.413 --> 00:22:41.135
Right, they deal with the hard stuff.

00:22:41.135 --> 00:22:42.637
Right, they're gutters.

00:22:42.637 --> 00:22:45.803
They say the hard things.

00:22:46.104 --> 00:22:47.731
Sometimes you may not like your mentor.

00:22:47.731 --> 00:22:54.173
I tell them if your mentor has not said something that you don't like, find another one.

00:22:54.173 --> 00:23:00.676
I'm not saying that that person isn't adding value to your life, but get somebody in your life that's going to tell you the truth.

00:23:00.676 --> 00:23:14.315
Get somebody in your life that's going to sit you down and say, hey, I see where you are, but I'm also looking at what's inside of you and my goal is to get you to a point, to the point of greatness.

00:23:14.895 --> 00:23:19.926
Now, sponsors don't deal in potential.

00:23:19.926 --> 00:23:31.789
A sponsor is not going to come and say you have the potential to be a great leader and I'm going to bet my reputation, my money, my name, my prestige, I'm going to bet something on potential.

00:23:31.789 --> 00:23:34.874
They don't bet on potential, they bet on greatness.

00:23:34.874 --> 00:23:36.398
That's already been expressed.

00:23:36.398 --> 00:23:50.801
Right, mentors, prepare you for your season of sponsorship Right, and the only way you get over that line of comfort is you have to have someone who believes enough in your greatness that they reach down and pull you over the line.

00:23:50.801 --> 00:23:51.182
That's right.

00:23:51.182 --> 00:24:02.656
And I think where a lot of young leaders sometimes find themselves kind of in like a hole, or find themselves in feeling like how do I get unstuck?

00:24:02.656 --> 00:24:05.501
Right, I got stuck in a place Right.

00:24:05.501 --> 00:24:11.157
How do I, how do I push past where I've been and go to where I see myself going?

00:24:11.157 --> 00:24:11.719
Right?

00:24:11.719 --> 00:24:18.378
And I think that a lot of times they they don't recognize what's in them.

00:24:18.378 --> 00:24:20.262
That's going to push them to that next level.

00:24:20.262 --> 00:24:20.750
Yeah.

00:24:20.770 --> 00:24:23.213
Right, yeah, yeah, I think.

00:24:23.213 --> 00:24:25.676
No, I like that and I think that you know.

00:24:25.676 --> 00:24:40.483
This is reminding me again of a conversation that I had with one of my one of my team members, and she is and I told her this and I mean it she honestly is one of those very exceptional people.

00:24:40.483 --> 00:24:51.041
She has a lot of opportunity to be great at a really young age, and so we were having a conversation and one of the questions I asked her when she was she kind of said what is your?

00:24:51.041 --> 00:24:52.913
What is your rich life look like?

00:24:52.913 --> 00:24:53.715
What is it that you?

00:24:53.715 --> 00:24:54.237
What is your?

00:24:54.237 --> 00:24:55.981
What is the life you want?

00:24:55.981 --> 00:24:59.839
Right, and she started to name these different things and then I asked her a question.

00:24:59.839 --> 00:25:07.384
I said Do you know, can you do, can you name people that you have in your phone that have the life you want?

00:25:07.384 --> 00:25:08.451
She?

00:25:08.471 --> 00:25:10.537
said yeah, I said call them.

00:25:10.537 --> 00:25:16.757
And she looked at me and she was like I mean, I haven't talked to him a while, it'd be kind of awkward.

00:25:16.757 --> 00:25:38.115
And I said, yeah, but let me tell you something the difference between that and the difference that you're gonna find is that the people that will do the thing that's awkward and weird are going to be the people that get what they want, and so you have to.

00:25:38.115 --> 00:25:39.818
If you want normal, do normal.

00:25:39.818 --> 00:25:42.625
That's fine, yeah, that's fine.

00:25:42.625 --> 00:25:54.420
But if you want something more than normal, you're gonna have to do something beyond normal, and normal is not calling up somebody randomly, being like hey, I know I haven't talked to you in a year, but I really have been admiring you from afar.

00:25:54.420 --> 00:25:55.001
I've really.

00:25:55.001 --> 00:25:58.140
I really, you know, look up to the type of person you are.

00:25:58.140 --> 00:26:01.751
There are elements of your life that I would love to see in mind.

00:26:01.751 --> 00:26:02.394
Can you help?

00:26:03.656 --> 00:26:06.832
Period Right now they might say no, that's okay.

00:26:06.971 --> 00:26:30.211
And this one thing I think is it's it's okay if they say no, but what you did for yourself is you showed yourself you can do something awkward and you just build up that stamina to keep doing it until you get what you need, because you're not and this is coming from somebody who has, who was in a position to mentor people.

00:26:30.211 --> 00:26:33.534
The reality is this is just the truth.

00:26:33.534 --> 00:26:40.326
I'm not my, I'm still in a where's okay.

00:26:40.326 --> 00:26:49.459
Let me say like this there are some people, let's say, that are in retirement, that have the time to go searching for people to mentor straight up.

00:26:49.459 --> 00:26:50.560
But real talk.

00:26:51.803 --> 00:26:53.326
I am not in that position in my life.

00:26:53.326 --> 00:26:55.916
That is just the middle adult.

00:26:55.916 --> 00:26:57.102
We're middle adults in here.

00:26:57.102 --> 00:26:58.648
We still in the middle of this ride.

00:26:58.648 --> 00:27:02.318
I don't have time going to look for folks, right.

00:27:02.318 --> 00:27:13.067
So, but if, if somebody and I have if somebody says, hey, I really can I just, can we just talk or can I, can you give me some insight or can I?

00:27:13.067 --> 00:27:14.813
I will pick up the phone.

00:27:14.813 --> 00:27:27.503
I spend hours sometimes talking about and I it, but the key is, and a lot of people who have the life you are looking at are still in the middle of that life.

00:27:28.163 --> 00:27:31.686
So if you want it, you know, and look for younger leaders.

00:27:31.686 --> 00:27:42.944
It just might just, truthfully, may not be at the top of the list.

00:27:42.944 --> 00:27:51.665
That's just the reality right now, but I do think it's important to make room in your life to pour into other people.

00:27:51.665 --> 00:28:05.138
I think, in fact I would dare say, that it is the most important thing that we can do once you get to a certain point where you can do it, because there's going to be a point where you can no longer do what you do, and so I would say people.

00:28:05.759 --> 00:28:15.365
I know a lot of young folks that are looking for mentors and they're looking for people to help them, and I would say, first of all, you have to decide where you want to be.

00:28:15.365 --> 00:28:19.986
Secondly, you need to see do I already have access to these people?

00:28:19.986 --> 00:28:23.200
Because you probably do, you probably do.

00:28:23.200 --> 00:28:30.630
And then, if you do call them, make a connection, right, because they don't know that you are looking for this.

00:28:30.630 --> 00:28:31.756
Nobody's going to read your mind.

00:28:31.756 --> 00:28:39.088
If you don't, then I would ask a friend or peer about their network, right?

00:28:39.088 --> 00:28:52.875
I mean, the reality is we don't do this by ourselves, we, you don't do it by yourself, and so the most, the most uh, oftentimes the most accessible resource are people.

00:28:52.875 --> 00:29:04.059
So look in your people bank, whether it's people a little further than you, right where you're at, look at your bank and see what you got Right.

00:29:05.201 --> 00:29:12.843
And so I think if you don't have people in your bank, get into the spaces where those people are.

00:29:12.843 --> 00:29:17.199
You know you might have to save up a little bit to go to a professional conference.

00:29:17.199 --> 00:29:26.115
You might have to save up a little bit to join someone's A lot of people now, especially people who are like mentoring in different areas.

00:29:26.115 --> 00:29:38.606
They do these, you know, pay $49 a month and you get access to me and you know, whatever it's going to require a level of investment Like it is either going to require a level of investment.

00:29:38.606 --> 00:29:45.423
It's either going to require the investment of your time and discomfort or it's going to require you to make a financial investment.

00:29:45.423 --> 00:29:48.356
I have one of my assistant directors.

00:29:48.356 --> 00:29:53.007
He is literally the best networker I have ever met in my life.

00:29:53.007 --> 00:29:57.321
I don't know anyone I'm not going to say his name, but I don't know any.

00:29:57.321 --> 00:29:58.124
He knows who he is.

00:29:58.124 --> 00:30:07.107
I don't know anybody that can get, that can move around a room and make real connections with people as well as he does.

00:30:07.107 --> 00:30:13.888
All he does is he shows up genuinely, he makes genuine connections with people and he has.

00:30:13.934 --> 00:30:17.005
I think another way, a really good way to find a mentor, is to make sure that you are able to really clearly state what your mission and purpose is.

00:30:17.005 --> 00:30:22.071
You way to find a mentor is to make sure that you are able to really clearly state what your mission and purpose is.

00:30:22.071 --> 00:30:22.413
There you go.

00:30:22.413 --> 00:30:24.702
You got to have a vision statement.

00:30:24.702 --> 00:30:26.118
You got to have a.

00:30:26.118 --> 00:30:28.326
Hi, my name is Jaquita.

00:30:28.326 --> 00:30:36.125
I am called to blank because I want to impact blank and I'm going to accomplish this by doing blank, blank and blank.

00:30:36.125 --> 00:30:45.546
Right, you got to be able to fill in your own blanks so that you're not coming to somebody with a completely blank sheet of paper saying mentor me.

00:30:45.546 --> 00:31:14.376
Right, if that person has not walked with you from a certain point of time, you are asking them to make a huge investment, whereas if you have already sat down, and even if they're not like your permanent interest or this is not your permanent mission statement, if you are able to sit down and give yourself a starting place when you bring that to someone, you give them a place to connect with you and to say, okay, I know where to start with you.

00:31:14.376 --> 00:31:18.986
Right, I know where to start you out at and I can walk you down the path.

00:31:18.986 --> 00:31:23.674
Right, right, everyone you meet may not be your full time mentor.

00:31:23.674 --> 00:31:24.757
I know for me.

00:31:24.757 --> 00:31:30.476
I know that there are people that I am called to be heavily invested in their lives Right.

00:31:30.476 --> 00:31:42.008
And I know that because what I have worked out in my life and what and what I've been through, I know that I'm able to pour into them at that level, right.

00:31:42.008 --> 00:31:57.875
And then there's other students, people that I'm just around on a daily basis, that I can easily speak to because I can look in their life real quick and pour something out and I know that it's going to give them what they need to get through that season, that occasion, that circumstance right.

00:31:57.875 --> 00:32:00.296
But you got to come with something, right.

00:32:00.355 --> 00:32:03.182
You cannot expect a mentor to do all the work.

00:32:03.182 --> 00:32:06.087
The goal is for you to move forward.

00:32:06.087 --> 00:32:09.041
Why would I do all the work when you're the one that needs to move?

00:32:09.041 --> 00:32:11.777
You're the one that needs the advancement.

00:32:11.777 --> 00:32:14.324
You're the one that needs to go a little higher.

00:32:14.324 --> 00:32:16.497
You're the one that needs to learn a new skillset.

00:32:16.497 --> 00:32:19.323
You're the one that needs to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:32:19.383 --> 00:32:27.000
And not that I don't need to do that in my own life, but I got mentors who challenge me and do it for me and I have to do the work.

00:32:27.000 --> 00:32:37.586
In every part of your life you are going to have to do the work and if you want a good mentor, you will show them that you are a person that is willing to do the work.

00:32:37.586 --> 00:32:44.403
They will see that in you and that's what causes people to want to continue to invest.

00:32:44.403 --> 00:32:51.364
Right, you don't get past the levels you don't confront your own.

00:32:51.364 --> 00:32:54.115
Like we were talking about those code of conducts that we built.

00:32:54.115 --> 00:32:55.941
You don't confront those alone.

00:32:55.941 --> 00:33:06.030
Right, a lot of times, even when we recognize those right, I don't have all the tools necessary to dismantle those systems that I've built in my own life.

00:33:06.030 --> 00:33:16.160
I need someone outside of me to be able to identify the point that, that that it made a point of entry, and take me back there and help me to work past it.

00:33:16.500 --> 00:33:20.308
Right, I think you said something that we have to like.

00:33:20.308 --> 00:33:25.006
We got to, just straight up, unlearn in this culture.

00:33:25.006 --> 00:33:27.123
You cannot do it all yourself.

00:33:27.123 --> 00:33:30.846
The answers are not in you, let me, I just need.

00:33:30.846 --> 00:33:36.101
The answers are not inside of you, they are not there, they are outside of you.

00:33:36.976 --> 00:33:37.980
Like the answers.

00:33:39.598 --> 00:33:40.823
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

00:33:40.823 --> 00:33:51.958
Let me bring it back, but they're not like the answers are not in you, because if the answer was in you you'd be where you want to be and you're not.

00:33:51.958 --> 00:33:58.424
So you have to be humble enough to admit and you have to work.

00:33:58.424 --> 00:34:07.707
You have to be willing to work things that are unfamiliar because they're not in you, so they're out of you, so they're unfamiliar to you.

00:34:07.707 --> 00:34:11.262
You got to be willing to work that and I think that has to be made.

00:34:11.262 --> 00:34:17.144
You have to because, like you said, that code of conduct wasn't something you asked for.

00:34:17.164 --> 00:34:18.507
You didn't ask for your insecurities.

00:34:18.507 --> 00:34:19.423
You didn't ask for those.

00:34:19.423 --> 00:34:20.139
You didn't ask for your insecurities.

00:34:20.139 --> 00:34:20.293
You didn't ask for those.

00:34:20.293 --> 00:34:23.224
You didn't ask for the experiences in your life that made you afraid.

00:34:23.224 --> 00:34:29.827
You didn't ask for that, so you didn't go after that stuff on purpose.

00:34:29.827 --> 00:34:50.818
But you are going to have to go after the solution on purpose and you're going to have to go after it outside of yourself and so that I think you know that people resource is so important and don't don't believe the lie that you can figure it out, cause our culture tells you if.

00:34:51.601 --> 00:35:03.702
If you do this, if you just read these books and and, and you know, meditate and, uh, you know, do a lot of these other things, whatever you call them rituals, whatever.

00:35:03.702 --> 00:35:07.724
Okay, and we won't go into all of that.

00:35:07.724 --> 00:35:10.422
We won't go as far as we could on that.

00:35:10.422 --> 00:35:11.344
We'll chill on that.

00:35:11.344 --> 00:35:15.425
But all of that stuff, it tells you that's all you need.

00:35:15.425 --> 00:35:21.039
And, honestly, we're here to just debunk that lie and say that is not true, that is not all you need.

00:35:21.039 --> 00:35:23.030
And, honestly, we're here to just debunk that lie and say that is not true, that is not all you need.

00:35:23.030 --> 00:35:25.452
You need other people.

00:35:25.452 --> 00:35:27.112
That stuff ain't working at all.

00:35:27.112 --> 00:35:31.985
It if it was working for you, great.

00:35:31.985 --> 00:35:35.994
If it ain't working for you, try something else, try something.

00:35:36.878 --> 00:35:41.063
But no, but I'm sorry it was.

00:35:41.403 --> 00:35:42.788
Oh God here we go.

00:35:44.396 --> 00:35:45.619
It was deep in my soul.

00:35:45.619 --> 00:35:51.949
I also I felt the need to emphasize mentoring is not church.

00:35:51.949 --> 00:35:54.237
Mentoring is not therapy.

00:35:54.237 --> 00:35:57.764
Mentoring is not good parental relationships.

00:35:57.764 --> 00:35:59.548
Mentoring is not good friendships.

00:36:04.056 --> 00:36:06.481
You need a conglomerate of things right Like that.

00:36:06.481 --> 00:36:14.923
You need to have a village of things that are helping you to address the things in your life, and so I think it's really really good to have mentors.

00:36:14.923 --> 00:36:23.246
Have mentors that agree with all parts of you right Like, have mentors that, if you are really deep in your faith, have a mentor that agrees with that.

00:36:23.246 --> 00:36:24.376
Like.

00:36:24.376 --> 00:36:35.208
Don't allow yourself to be at odds with what's going on inside of you and now you're inviting different voices that don't agree with the foundation of who you are.

00:36:35.208 --> 00:36:41.652
Keep your foundation sure and allow people in as you are led to.

00:36:42.012 --> 00:36:46.864
That doesn't mean every person, every older middle adult, is not a good mentor.

00:36:46.864 --> 00:36:49.155
It's not even that they're not a good leader.

00:36:49.155 --> 00:36:50.599
They may not be a good fit for you.

00:36:50.599 --> 00:36:53.847
You have choice and agency in that as well.

00:36:53.847 --> 00:37:18.048
So I think that mentoring is a fantastic way to really look at how do we move out of the self-doubt, how do we really begin to see past some of our own self-imposed learned limitations, and I think that I'm really excited to continue to discuss how we push people from potential to greatness.

00:37:18.048 --> 00:37:21.896
How we push people from potential to greatness, like.

00:37:21.896 --> 00:37:26.123
I think that there's a whole menu of things that we're going to talk about in this podcast that are really going to help people to see.

00:37:26.123 --> 00:37:36.483
This is how I get out of the stuck place and I can get moving back towards the place that I was always meant to be in, so I'm excited to do this with you, ruth.

00:37:36.795 --> 00:37:40.759
Yo man, that's it right there, see, all right, all right, right there, see, all right, all right, all right.

00:37:40.759 --> 00:37:45.148
So we're done, we're going to be done, we done, I think we're done, I think we're done, I think we're done.

00:37:45.148 --> 00:37:45.909
I think that was good.

00:37:46.215 --> 00:37:48.603
I think we gave the people a little something to chew on.

00:37:48.603 --> 00:37:49.505
You know what I'm saying.

00:37:59.875 --> 00:38:10.704
You know, you know, no, but for real tune in next time we're going to drop these on Tuesdays, so make sure that you are subscribed to the podcast so that it automatically downloads to whatever platform that you would like.

00:38:10.704 --> 00:38:16.407
Again, if this is helpful to you or somebody in your life, like, share, comment, let us know.

00:38:16.407 --> 00:38:20.416
And also let us know some of the things that, and subscribe, yes, Like all that stuff.

00:38:20.416 --> 00:38:22.983
And so let us know.

00:38:22.983 --> 00:38:35.416
Also, we want to hear from you as to what things that are relevant right To this conversation, to the idea of learning, I'm sorry, unlearning, what?

00:38:36.577 --> 00:38:58.199
Unlearning about life and leadership at this particular stage in life, Like, what are the things that you're like, man, I I am, this is what I've been taught, this is what I, this is what I've been, this is what experience has taught me, or people have taught me that I don't feel like are leading me in the direction I want?

00:38:58.199 --> 00:39:00.443
How do I unlearn that me that I don't feel like are leading me in the direction I want?

00:39:00.443 --> 00:39:00.963
How do I unlearn that?

00:39:00.963 --> 00:39:02.065
What is, what are those things?

00:39:02.065 --> 00:39:04.849
And and so we'd love to to dive deeper into that.

00:39:04.849 --> 00:39:07.492
So, man, thank y'all for tuning in.

00:39:08.293 --> 00:39:19.626
Thanks for thanks for being a part and we will continue unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom.

00:39:20.847 --> 00:39:21.429
Let's do it Peace.

00:39:21.429 --> 00:39:21.889
Freedom, that's it.

00:39:21.889 --> 00:39:23.490
Let's do it Peace, I'm with it.

00:39:27.115 --> 00:39:29.965
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

00:39:29.965 --> 00:39:34.054
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

00:39:34.054 --> 00:39:40.889
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

00:39:40.889 --> 00:39:47.266
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

00:39:47.266 --> 00:39:48.168
See you then.

Middle Adult Talks with RA and Jaquetta: Mentorship, Investing In Yourself, Going From Comfort To Greatness, and Embracing the Awkward Moments

Listen On

Recent Episodes