April 14, 2025
Parenting Across Generations: Breaking Cycles, Building Futures
The whole Smith family gathers for an intimate, multigenerational discussion about parenting approaches, examining what needs to be preserved and what should be unlearned for the benefit of future generations.
• Jacqueline Smith (mother) shares how "more is caught than taught" when it comes to parenting
• Rev. Rufus Smith IV (father) reflects on giving his children what they wanted too easily, wishing he'd made them "earn it a little bit more"
• The family explores differing definitions of success across generations – from career achievements to family formation to spiritual growth
• Parental disappointment versus giving up on children is distinguished as the family openly discusses educational paths and life choices
• Technology's impact on modern parenting emerges as a crucial challenge that previous generations didn't face
• Individualizing parenting approaches for each child's unique personality and needs stands out as essential wisdom
• The importance of allowing children to experience challenging tasks is highlighted as building necessary brain development and life skills
• Balancing discipline with gentleness while maintaining consistent expectations emerges as timeless parenting wisdom
Don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Instagram to share your thoughts about this episode. We're looking forward to continuing to unlearn together as we move toward freedom.
00:05 - Welcome to the Unlearned Podcast
01:29 - Introducing the Smith Family Panel
06:50 - Parenting Mindsets: More Caught Than Taught
17:40 - Building Self-Discipline and Work Ethic
29:30 - Defining Success Across Generations
42:30 - The Role of Education in Success
55:10 - Disappointment vs. Giving Up
01:08:08 - Technology's Role in Modern Parenting
01:18:35 - Individual Approaches to Parenting
01:24:18 - Final Thoughts on Unlearning Parenting
WEBVTT
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Hello everybody and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.
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I'm your host, ruth Abigail aka Ra, and this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that we can all experience more freedom, and this right here, as you can see, for freedom, and this, right here, as you can see, there's a lot of us here on the screen.
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I want to introduce everybody to my family um that I am so happy has joined me and I'm just going to tell you right now it's going to be a very entertaining uh hour or so, um, and uh yeah.
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So, hey, family, um, all right, so let me introduce them.
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We have my.
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We have my brother.
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You all may have heard.
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He has an episode on the podcast where we talk about religion.
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If you haven't heard that, check it out.
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It's one of the most popular.
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Okay, alright, you can let me do it.
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It's really not necessary for you to prop yourself.
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Got it, okay.
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So it is, though it is actually the most popular episode, and so I have him, that is my younger brother, I have my younger sister, who also has been on the podcast, and we're talking about sibling relationships Amazing episode.
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And then here we have my parents.
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I have my beautiful mother, jacqueline Smith, here with us, and none other than the Reverend Rufus Smith IV.
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Welcome family, I'm glad you're here.
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So how many views do I have and how many views does Rona have?
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It's really not Don't do that.
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Okay, all right, guys, okay here we go, Just so we know.
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I'm not editing, okay, so all right.
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So what we're doing today, y'all, we're talking about unlearning.
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We're in a series called Unlearning Parenting, and this is really special because this is going to be our series where we really have a two-gen perspective Really, I guess three-gen, because my parents parented us, obviously, and then my brother and I have children, and so we have perspectives of people who are grandparents, people who are parents, people who have been kids all right here in this episode, and so we're going to.
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I want to talk about, I want us to have a conversation about overarching those different roles, how they're different.
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How did you manage in your space and how we manage in ours, doing what we do today?
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And, yeah, y'all know how we do.
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I have some questions.
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I may or may not get to them all, but let me just start with this.
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I'm going to start with you, ma, okay.
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Okay, I want to know what parenting mindset did.
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Would you have said this is absolutely the way to go, but looking at it today, maybe something you would have said is might be different based on what you learned.
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What parenting mindset did you have when you started parenting and as you got into parenting?
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maybe realized.
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I don't think I had a mindset, if I even understand that contemporary term but I just naturally parented the way I was parented.
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That's kind of more I really recognize.
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Now, looking at all of this with 20-20 hindsight vision, I recognize that what I do instinctively is what I saw, what I saw.
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I reflect on what I saw as I grew up.
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I reflect on what I saw as I grew up and that that to me proves the common concept I don't know who originated it that more is taught is caught than taught.
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Yeah.
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So I just what I reflect on in any instance, is how it was handled with me.
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I know that better than anything I've read.
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Yeah, yeah, that's, that's good, okay, so I think that's.
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I think that's a key thing.
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You parents are the way you were parented.
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Pop, would you say that as the same for you?
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for you yes and no.
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Okay, so to your question.
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What was I so dogmatic about that?
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Going into parenting but in hindsight would unlearn, was, I believe, at least from my perspective.
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I wanted to give all of you what you wanted in addition to what you needed, but I did so too easily.
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I would unlearn that and cause uh you to um merit, or wait a little longer than I did, because yeah, give an example of that.
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Give an example because, because, because, because all my friends got cars when they were 16 yeah, and there was a phone that I wanted in particular that I did not get, and you were very clear about that.
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There are plenty of things I don't know that we I don't.
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Yeah, you're gonna have to give some more context there, pop I don't know that we didn't.
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I'll be honest.
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I feel like I got on my list, they were handed.
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Someone says, hi, I'll be honest, I feel like.
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I got on my list they were handled.
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Someone says hi hey.
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Shiloh, hey, sha Gotta go to the restroom.
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Go, go, go my baby.
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Give us an example Pop.
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Let me say I'll start with something minor, but let's say clothing trips, just the advantages of doing things, being slower, to give you what you wanted and explain to you more thoroughly how you were getting it, what sacrifice it took to get it.
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You know, mom often talks about her dad in particular, who reminded her almost every step of the way what she was getting and how it was being given to her, how it was being earned, so that she could increase the appreciation for it.
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And so I would say I would give you more.
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I would not be as easy in giving you things as I was.
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I'd make you earn it a little bit more.
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That's coming out of my own life.
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I wanted to make sure that you had what I didn't have and you had it more quickly than I had it.
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But I would unlearn that Part of that would have to be, for example, when you got gifts, not Christmas, of course, but when you got gifts perhaps the next day or the next week they would be in disrepair or disuse or there would be some neglect.
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There would not be a high appreciation, would be some neglect.
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There would not be a high appreciation for how you received it and what it took for you to get it, but, in short, I would not give as easily as much as I did.
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Go ahead, Rhoda.
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So if you look at the outcome of all three of us, how do you think that that impacted?
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So you're saying what'd you say?
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So you're saying you would have done, you have wanted us to appreciate more, but how do you see, how do you see that that impacted us in a negative light.
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Now, Um, I'm not sure that I could see now that it impacted you right now, because you've grown to overcome some things yourself, you work in yourself, you know what it takes in order to earn things, things.
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But I would say, early on I would see just the ease.
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It was almost like the same ease by which you receive something was the same ease by which it was discarded or unused.
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Is that not?
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I mean, to me and Rufus, do you find this with?
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Like, uh, shiloh, who's who is Rufus's son, me and my sister's nephew and, um, our uh, and then my parents, uh, youngest grandchild, he's three, right is this?
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Is this something you see?
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I don't know, I'm trying to, I'm.
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I'm curious is if this is not just a like normal child thing, like that's just what children do, because that, you know, doesn't really matter.
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Or is it a how, how, how you're parented, like you know, if you, here's the thing.
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Here's the thing Shiloh extremely spoiled, yeah, extremely spoiled.
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He's going to get whatever he wants whenever he wants.
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But here's the complication that I don't believe Dad is acknowledging right now.
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Shiloh goes to the same school that I went to growing up.
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We went to this elite school where I don't want to say we're the least fortunate, but, but everyone else seems to be in a better financial position.
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You never know.
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But so I don't want Shiloh going to school looking like he's not up to par.
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So it may have been the same case with mom and dad I don't know specifically what dad's talking about, but you don't want to send us to school looking like we are not.
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Perhaps you know in the same class or whatnot.
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Not that you want to be someone.
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You're not, but I don't want to send Shiloh to school in clothes that may reflect our true income, so he might get the best of the best clothes.
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He might get shoes every week Not really, but he might get new shoes every month, which is easier right now because I can just buy $40 shoes and they're brand new.
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But that's part of it.
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The other thing is, at three years old, it just brings a lot of joy in the house to see a smile on his face.
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So, coming back home with new toys after he just completely wrecked the house, didn't listen to a word.
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Me or his mother said completely wrecked, the house didn't listen to a word.
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Me or his mother said had a horrible report from school and the next day he gets brand new toys.
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You know, that might be just to add to the spirit of the home, because Shiloh is the life of the party, he's the life of the house and we love seeing a smile on his face.
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That part is just being a child and not or or um.
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Trying to be a good parent and contribute to his childhood in a positive way, um.
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I think a more difficult question would be for malachi yeah when I was my oldest son yeah, uh, your oldest nephew and oldest grandchild, who you know he gets spoiled too, and you know he may not.
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He may not bring the same energy to the household that Shiloh does.
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He may not be as happy to see dad when he comes home from work like Shiloh is.
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When I come home from work, shiloh is the happiest kid in the world.
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So imagine if I come back with a you know, a $10 toy from the store.
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Yeah.
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It's going to be times 10 and it'll make the night that much better.
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Yeah, malachi expects.
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He expects certain things.
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I got an A on my report card.
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Yeah, you know what am I getting dead?
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You know he's expecting that, yeah, and so then I try to find ways not to give it to him.
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Can I interject right here, though?
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A bit of realism.
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Yeah, it is important.
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I think it is vitally important, and I had a real advantage growing up.
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I had a real advantage growing up Didn't know it when I was growing up at all, because my parents' income came from their own small businesses.
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I started working.
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They started putting me to work in the store at five years old and I would stand on Gerber baby food to even reach the register After the first day of that.
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That was no fun, that was work.
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My work at home was work in the store.
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I didn't have to make up my bed, I didn't have to vacuum, I didn't have to wash dishes was the big thing that all my peers complained about.
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I never had to do that, but I did have to work in the store, which I didn't like.
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I grew to absolute hate, but I never chose.
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That was vital discipline.
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In my opinion, parenting successfully is to instill self-discipline, because all through life, what you definitely will have is to do things you don't feel like doing.
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When you don't feel like doing, yeah, you don't have that choice.
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You have to do some things.
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Yeah.
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And that will go out through life.
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So why not get that practice as a child?
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I started at five and I have to say, to the credit of my parents, I really don't have difficulty in most things, in doing what I don't feel like doing.
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Yeah, honestly, I didn't feel like that.
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We had a late night last night and dad came and said, rubbed me very gently and said darling, I hate to say this, but we have to do a podcast today.
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And I'm saying are you joking?
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But I got up, yes, and I first said you know, it's going to be 10 o'clock really, and he tried to give me 15 minutes.
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He's that kind and he tried to give me 15 minutes.
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He's that kind I probably never would have offered to give him 15 minutes, because it is so instilled in me that if I have to do something at a particular time that I don't necessarily feel like doing it, I have to do it, and if I have to break a leg to do it, I'm willing to break a leg.
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That is not in my leg, that did not happen, that is not in my nature.
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That got instilled in me.
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Now, the thing that I have learned from my husband, from your dad, is and I have to think about this all the time is to do that in terms of parenting with gentility and I'm careful not to say with love, because I love all of my kids, but I'm not.
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I also, more is caught than taught, and I caught this lack of gentility, this realism, from my dad, who's a product of the Great Depression.
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Yeah, that's, I caught.
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That's in me more than anything else, and I didn't go through anything like the Great Depression.
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But parenting is also setting an example and realizing that more is caught than taught.
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That's good.
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Papa Jack put her through illegal child labor I don't know what she's saying and he was a product of the great depression.
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Yes, and uh, you know that is reflected in mom.
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Yes, so well, I think it's.
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It's.
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So.
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There's something that um and I've recently been saying this, I said this to a few people lately because something that I noticed in younger you know in um, something that I noticed in younger you know in, like our son Tyson.
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He's 10 and he does not like doing hard things at all.
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You know some of the young people that I work with.
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They don't like doing hard things and it's just, it is it.
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It's.
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It's weird to me because everything that you said, mom, you're right.
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I mean, we caught that from you and we caught it from dad, because dad grew up in a you know environment where you worked hard and grew up around entrepreneurship and all that stuff, and there's a phrase that he used to say all the time.
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I know we'll all remember it that when I have recently been saying to people they can't do nothing but laughing, like that's crazy, this idea of winners crawl in sick, losers call in sick, and that's how we, that is how we grew up.
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You don't like.
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What do you mean?
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like, if you can breathe and walk, go do what you gotta do, um, or yeah, but I mean like that changed with kobe yeah, well, okay, but like now it's like don't come in, like yeah, no, but I'm saying, though, that the mindset, though, like the mindset that we grew up with, even during covid, I didn't know how to not work, I I found stuff to do because it's like I'm not, I can't just sit here and do nothing, like I don't even know what that kind of life is like.
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And I think it's because of how we grew up and the expectation that we had.
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And now I see, and I you know, trying to transfer that to the younger generation is harder, and so what I mean generation is harder, and so what I mean, um rufus, roto.
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How has that phrase impacted how y'all move, and even how you move with, with, with, uh, with parenting or working with young people, because rota's a teacher, so she works with more young kids than any of us do combined.
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And so how do you, how does how has that impacted your movement?
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that phrase go ahead, rona no, go, rufus, you go first.
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Well, okay, I'll go.
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Okay, I'll go, I'll go.
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So I now, I don't, I don't know all the science behind it, but there's actually like a I don't know if it's the prefrontal cortex, I don't know if it's the prefrontal cortex, I don't know but scientifically, the way that, what discipline does to grow our brains and to help us to develop, like doing hard things, it literally develops parts of your brain.
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Now what parts don't know, but it does.
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It is a.
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It is a vital piece of development.
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So now, what you see is kids, even day to day.
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You know, I'm in a lot of classrooms throughout the day and I get to see hundreds of kids every single day, throughout the day, just learning and a simple challenge, like I don't know this problem, this question right here, is a total shutdown physically, like you see them put their head down.
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Shut down physically.
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Like you see them put their head down, you see them totally check out the.
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The first time that a challenge arises and it is, you know, for me the whole winners crawling, losers calling is very much instilled in the sense of like there's no excuses.
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So like now, even as an administrator with adults who I'm managing is like it's no excuses.
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Like we, we, we come, we give our best every day, no excuses If you can't do.
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That like I'm a very all or nothing person.
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So it's like if I can't do it, then I'm not going to come to work that day.
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I can't give 60%.
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It's either zero or a hundred percent for me and it's like, and most of the time I'm going a hundred, but that's also not helping.
00:22:01.809 --> 00:22:04.041
Yeah To all.
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Like you can't always.
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You have to have margin for something.
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Yeah, it's.
00:22:09.413 --> 00:22:09.934
Yeah.
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There are times where you should call in no, there are.
00:22:16.755 --> 00:22:21.801
Yeah, there's a thing right, so I don't know.
00:22:21.801 --> 00:22:23.865
I heard that phrase a lot growing up.
00:22:23.865 --> 00:22:50.651
Another one that's relevant to me that I that dad used to say is successful people do what unsuccessful people don't like to do yep, yep yep, both great quotes, yeah, uh yeah, you know, but uh both both great quotes, but uh, also, you know, at times they can be quotes.
00:22:50.750 --> 00:23:12.303
Maybe you guys received the training differently than I did, because for me, right, one of the perks of my job is we get a cumulative of 30 days of PTO, and some people have been working with the company for years and they just don't use it.
00:23:12.303 --> 00:23:15.612
I'm not one of those people.
00:23:15.612 --> 00:23:38.314
I'm going to use all 30 days, but I will say, sometimes I use it creatively and actually 100% of the time I use it creatively and when I'm not working at work, I choose not to crawl in sick because I'm actually working on my side hustle and I need something else to do so personally.
00:23:38.314 --> 00:24:01.868
Personally, I'm going to work 100% of the time, but make no mistake about it, at this job and if I ever take interviews for other jobs, the PCO is very important because I'm going to need time off to do my own thing, yeah, and I'm going to use sick days as vacation days, whether I'm sick or not.
00:24:02.068 --> 00:24:02.210
Yeah.
00:24:02.430 --> 00:24:12.724
So it's like I think it's applied a little bit differently in that it's not really I'm going to go to work every single day.
00:24:12.724 --> 00:24:19.458
It's more like or I'm not going to go to work every single day, it's more like or I'm not going to go into work every single day, it's more like I'm going to put in work every single day.
00:24:19.458 --> 00:24:34.453
Yeah, and also as a parent of y'all everybody, y'all know, y'all know Malachi's, you know dreams and what he's achieving to be and everything and they don't know.
00:24:34.473 --> 00:24:40.744
You know dreams and what he's achieving to be and everything, and luckily, he's blessed with athletic ability.
00:24:41.849 --> 00:24:47.480
Nothing, you know, he's not LeBron James or anything like that, but you know I had a little skill.
00:24:47.480 --> 00:25:02.304
We have skill in our family and his mother's side has that times 10 on their side, so he's been blessed with an athletic gift that none of us, or neither on his other side of the family they, don't have either.
00:25:02.304 --> 00:25:15.801
And so pushing him is or teaching him this principle is very much appropriate, especially that successful people do what unsuccessful people don't like to do.
00:25:15.801 --> 00:25:23.644
Yeah, because he's trying to make it to a place where very few people, no matter how talented they are, make it.
00:25:23.644 --> 00:25:24.131
Yeah.
00:25:24.131 --> 00:25:32.440
And so if he's not doing way more than anyone else, he knows you know he's not going to be able to make it to where he wants to go.
00:25:32.440 --> 00:25:35.512
Knows you know he's not going to be able to make it to where he wants to go.
00:25:35.532 --> 00:25:44.717
So I do find myself instilling that in him even more than I apply to myself, because there's no room at his age and for his goals, for him to take days off.
00:25:44.717 --> 00:25:49.030
And so, you know, I definitely think that's a relevant principle.
00:25:49.030 --> 00:25:51.874
Like mom was saying, more is caught than taught.
00:25:51.874 --> 00:25:58.020
So you know, his mom does a good job of showing him work ethic.
00:25:58.020 --> 00:26:02.625
I think I do a good job of showing him work ethic, but his has to even exceed that.
00:26:02.625 --> 00:26:28.663
Once you dad was saying you know, we may have gotten off easy in certain, in certain ways, but over time he's seen us be able to kind of kind of understand how life is and earn what we want or what we need yeah where is malachi is not going to be again to make it to where he wants to go.
00:26:29.452 --> 00:26:32.644
he doesn't have time to have that lack, that lag and then catch back up right, so he wants to go.
00:26:32.644 --> 00:26:35.415
He doesn't have time to have that lag and then catch back up Right, so he has to learn that.
00:26:37.113 --> 00:26:42.142
The reality is too Rufus that no one Shiloh won't either.
00:26:42.142 --> 00:27:05.738
Whatever it is and that work ethic is what you're putting into it he may go the direction everybody seems to think he's going, but if he doesn't for some reason break two feet and two hands and he just can't do that, whatever what's in him is whatever.
00:27:05.738 --> 00:27:13.554
Wherever, in my opinion, the Lord leads him and the track that he takes him on, he's going to recognize.
00:27:13.554 --> 00:27:19.845
He's got to invest discipline, self-discipline yes.
00:27:19.845 --> 00:27:21.733
He's got to train.
00:27:21.733 --> 00:27:23.258
He's got to practice.
00:27:23.258 --> 00:27:24.721
Whatever it is, yeah.
00:27:24.721 --> 00:27:26.558
Whether it's, you know, it doesn't matter.
00:27:26.558 --> 00:27:28.376
That's the important principle.
00:27:28.376 --> 00:27:31.777
Yes, I believe that principle was instilled in me.
00:27:31.798 --> 00:27:36.352
Yeah, let me say Working in the store.
00:27:36.372 --> 00:27:38.696
I don't like working in the store, but I got the principle.
00:27:38.696 --> 00:27:41.682
Yes, and that's great what you're doing.
00:27:43.891 --> 00:27:46.194
What I would say is you know those are.
00:27:46.194 --> 00:27:50.442
I think those are bedrock principles, I think they're biblical.
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