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Dec. 3, 2024

Talks With Middle Adults: Exploring Birth Order and Sisterhood, Unraveling Family Dynamics, and Celebrating the Power of Sibling Support

Talks With Middle Adults: Exploring Birth Order and Sisterhood, Unraveling Family Dynamics, and Celebrating the Power of Sibling Support
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Ever wondered how birth order influences the dynamics between siblings? Join us in this enlightening episode of the Unlearned Podcast as we introduce our remarkable younger sisters. Together, we unravel the unique challenges and triumphs of sisterhood, sharing personal stories that highlight the blend of humor and depth inherent in sibling relationships. From Rhoda's inspiring career as an assistant principal to Arvey's expertise in mental health, our conversation is a celebration of accomplishments and the diverse paths we each take.

We dig into the nuances of family roles, where stereotypical expectations meet real-life experiences, often leading to humorous insights and serious reflections. With a keen eye on birth order theory, as discussed by Alfred Adler, we explore how these familial roles shape our perceptions and interactions within the family. 

This episode is more than just a conversation about sisterhood—it’s an invitation to reflect on your own family dynamics and personal growth. We share candid insights on the importance of boundaries, the significance of safe spaces, and the power of sibling support in navigating life's challenges. Whether you're an older sibling shouldering the weight of responsibility or a younger one carving your path, you'll find relatable moments that encourage introspection and appreciation for the bonds that shape us. Tune in for an episode brimming with laughter, heartfelt stories, and a tribute to the intricate tapestry of family life.

Chapters

00:01 - Sisterly Dynamics and Accomplishments

04:59 - Sibling Dynamics and Birth Order

17:33 - Family Dynamics and Sibling Support

28:17 - Letting Go of Family Expectations

38:35 - Sibling Dynamics and Responsibilities

48:59 - Parental Expectations and Adult Relationships

55:23 - Navigating Family Dynamics and Trauma

01:05:28 - Fear of Burden and Seeking Help

01:12:40 - Family Expectations and Personal Growth

01:26:09 - Safe Spaces and Sisterly Bonds

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:01.342 --> 00:00:12.205
I also think about what's always said to the firstborn when a new child is born You're a big sister, You're a big brother.

00:00:12.205 --> 00:00:21.027
There's always this understood responsibility like, okay, you a big sister now, and I think that's what you're carrying.

00:00:21.027 --> 00:00:23.765
Just the title itself I'm nobody's big sister.

00:00:23.765 --> 00:00:24.291
I don't have.

00:00:24.291 --> 00:00:29.487
I'm nobody's big sister, I don't have that responsibility I don't have.

00:00:29.487 --> 00:00:32.112
Nobody has ever placed that on me.

00:00:32.112 --> 00:00:37.131
But as soon as I came into this world, I changed your title.

00:00:37.131 --> 00:00:38.232
My title never changed.

00:00:43.441 --> 00:00:48.253
Hello everybody and welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast.

00:00:48.253 --> 00:00:51.310
I'm your host, ruth Abigail, aka RA.

00:00:51.310 --> 00:00:53.003
What's up folks?

00:00:53.003 --> 00:01:04.509
It's your girl, jaquita, and this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you yes, you can experience more freedom, and this is a very special day.

00:01:05.760 --> 00:01:07.206
Oh, it's a special day, Ruth Abigail.

00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:12.487
Because, as you can see, we are not alone, and we're not alone.

00:01:12.579 --> 00:01:18.106
And there was a joke in there somewhere and I missed it, but I was about to start singing the song, but you know how Ruth Abigail feels about my singing.

00:01:18.106 --> 00:01:19.822
I do, and that's.

00:01:19.822 --> 00:01:21.629
We don't need to do that, whatever, whatever.

00:01:21.879 --> 00:01:32.251
So, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, we have people that happen to be related to us and pretty awesome women in this world.

00:01:32.251 --> 00:01:39.272
We have our younger siblings, who happen to be our sisters.

00:01:39.272 --> 00:01:47.185
Welcome to the podcast, rhoda and Arve Woo, sister, sister, hey, hey, hey, hey, y'all.

00:01:49.340 --> 00:01:50.506
What's up friends?

00:01:50.506 --> 00:01:51.962
All right.

00:01:51.962 --> 00:01:57.352
So these wonderful people, just as context, before we really get into it.

00:01:57.352 --> 00:02:03.287
Okay, ruth Abigail and I are older sisters we are both the oldest of our parents' children and today we have brought the younger sisters.

00:02:03.287 --> 00:02:07.381
We are both the oldest of our parents' children and today we have brought the younger sisters.

00:02:07.381 --> 00:02:08.242
Okay.

00:02:08.242 --> 00:02:17.133
So if you guys have seen any of the Instagram memes of you know big sister and then the little sister come through and power through and be like what's up?

00:02:17.133 --> 00:02:20.943
Yeah, we're about to really delve deep into that dynamic.

00:02:20.943 --> 00:02:23.968
Okay, so we have two amazing sisters.

00:02:24.250 --> 00:02:26.835
I will start off by introducing mine.

00:02:26.835 --> 00:02:32.046
None other than the one, the only, miss Arve Ross.

00:02:32.046 --> 00:02:35.412
Okay, arve is amazing.

00:02:35.412 --> 00:02:38.741
She is three years and nine months younger than me.

00:02:38.741 --> 00:02:43.229
Okay, normally when I say four, she gets really offended by that.

00:02:43.229 --> 00:02:45.151
So it's three years and nine months.

00:02:45.151 --> 00:02:46.875
She's amazing.

00:02:46.875 --> 00:02:51.632
She is a licensed counselor, mental health specialist, right.

00:02:51.632 --> 00:03:02.308
She has a lot of certifications, a lot of letters behind her name, has worked in a lot of different avenues in counseling and is absolutely bombcom at what she does.

00:03:02.308 --> 00:03:04.668
So, bebe, say what's up to the people.

00:03:05.620 --> 00:03:06.682
What up, what up.

00:03:06.682 --> 00:03:09.610
I don't know how to go after that introduction.

00:03:09.610 --> 00:03:10.992
You've never been so nice.

00:03:13.681 --> 00:03:16.288
It's for the people, huh, it's for the audience.

00:03:16.808 --> 00:03:18.612
Yes, yes, yes, you hate that.

00:03:18.900 --> 00:03:19.902
Yes, I do what I can.

00:03:19.902 --> 00:03:21.207
I do what I can.

00:03:21.207 --> 00:03:22.879
You did it well, ah, yes, thank you, I do what I can.

00:03:22.879 --> 00:03:23.644
Yes, thank you.

00:03:26.741 --> 00:03:31.207
Yeah, so that definitely should have been flip-flop, because I cannot do introductions nearly as well as Dequita Rhoda.

00:03:31.288 --> 00:03:31.930
I'm so sorry.

00:03:31.930 --> 00:03:33.305
I'm so sorry.

00:03:35.223 --> 00:03:36.824
I realized that was a mistake.

00:03:36.965 --> 00:03:44.194
Anyway, you're probably going to be like this is Rhoda, it's okay, it's all right.

00:03:44.275 --> 00:03:46.383
Go ahead no no, no, I could do a little better than that.

00:03:46.383 --> 00:03:51.525
So, um, my, my sister, her name is rhoda smith and, uh, she is.

00:03:51.525 --> 00:03:57.480
We are about three years apart, almost four, about three, three and a half years apart.

00:03:57.480 --> 00:03:59.723
Um, yeah, I think that's right.

00:03:59.723 --> 00:04:07.314
So rhoda is, um, she's actually the most accomplished of all of us, of my whole family.

00:04:07.314 --> 00:04:14.252
She has a master's degree, master's of education.

00:04:14.252 --> 00:04:18.129
She is currently doing her master's of educational leadership.

00:04:18.129 --> 00:04:18.610
Is this true?

00:04:20.562 --> 00:04:22.553
Yes, I already have that one and she has that.

00:04:22.553 --> 00:04:23.579
Okay, great, and she has it.

00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:26.910
So she has a master's of educational leadership as well.

00:04:26.910 --> 00:04:32.259
She is an assistant principal of a middle school.

00:04:32.259 --> 00:04:34.387
She's been in elementary school.

00:04:34.387 --> 00:04:37.545
She's been in education for almost what?

00:04:37.545 --> 00:04:45.846
13, 14 years Long time In the 10 to 12 range, taught in Malaysia and she's done a lot of amazing things.

00:04:45.846 --> 00:04:58.548
She is seriously she's been one to teach since she was three and has followed that dream and has like soared to the top and I'm very proud of her.

00:04:58.548 --> 00:04:59.149
I really am.

00:04:59.149 --> 00:05:03.985
She's also the most adventurous of the group, like she's done skydiving in two different countries.

00:05:03.985 --> 00:05:07.411
Um, she has, uh, she's, she's lived over.

00:05:07.411 --> 00:05:10.081
She lived in two countries overseas New Zealand and then Malaysia.

00:05:10.081 --> 00:05:12.165
I'm remembering things as I'm talking.

00:05:12.165 --> 00:05:22.288
So, anyway, she, she is, she really is like the most accomplished and, um, I think, uh, I'm, I just I'm trying to be like her when I grow up.

00:05:22.288 --> 00:05:24.149
So that's wrong.

00:05:24.170 --> 00:05:26.012
I'm trying to be like her when I grow up, so that's wrong.

00:05:26.012 --> 00:05:28.355
Aw, that was really sweet, that's so sweet, precious Ruth.

00:05:28.800 --> 00:05:30.963
Didn't know you had it in you, okay.

00:05:30.983 --> 00:05:34.449
Yeah, it came out, it came out.

00:05:34.771 --> 00:05:38.483
She's such a cheerleader I will say she does cheer, she cheers us on.

00:05:38.483 --> 00:05:40.389
I do, I have to you do.

00:05:40.740 --> 00:05:41.923
My brother skydiving.

00:05:41.923 --> 00:05:47.982
You've been skydiving twice, I have and I will get some younger sister behavior.

00:05:47.982 --> 00:05:51.949
Right there, older sisters, we like to stay on the ground.

00:05:52.170 --> 00:05:56.788
Yeah, I won't be doing that people are always like how are you scared of dogs?

00:05:56.827 --> 00:06:00.442
but you've gone skydiving twice like I don't know, no, no, no, that's.

00:06:00.442 --> 00:06:10.790
That's interesting that you are completely fine with jumping out of a plane, but you know, someone's little poodle could send you into a frenzy.

00:06:11.370 --> 00:06:13.132
No, no them incubators are vicious.

00:06:13.874 --> 00:06:14.774
That's actually wild.

00:06:14.774 --> 00:06:16.975
That is wild, actually, that's wild.

00:06:16.975 --> 00:06:17.997
I've never even thought about that.

00:06:17.997 --> 00:06:21.500
That is absolutely insane.

00:06:21.500 --> 00:06:24.963
So all right, queda, what are we talking?

00:06:24.983 --> 00:06:25.463
about today.

00:06:25.463 --> 00:06:30.887
So listen y'all, we are talking about the sister-sister dynamic.

00:06:30.887 --> 00:06:41.297
We wanted to bring our sisters on because, one, we have amazing relationships with our sisters and we, Ruth Abigail and I are just incredibly proud of both of them.

00:06:41.297 --> 00:06:47.187
It's something about younger sisters they just strive and achieve and become really, really great.

00:06:47.187 --> 00:06:55.331
And you watch it before your eyes, you know, and as older sisters, like you know, we just really are like sitting there watching, like look at my baby.

00:06:55.331 --> 00:06:58.947
You know, because I feel like I had a hand in raising you, honestly.

00:06:58.947 --> 00:07:03.002
But today we're going to delve a little bit deeper into that.

00:07:03.083 --> 00:07:07.153
You know, I think it's been really interesting growing up.

00:07:07.153 --> 00:07:09.548
Bebe and I I'm sorry her name is Arve.

00:07:09.548 --> 00:07:14.608
I've called her Bebe since like forever, so that's what I'll be calling her on this podcast.

00:07:14.608 --> 00:07:24.889
But Bebe and I, you know we are, we're really similar in a lot of ways, but also really different in a lot of ways too, you know, and I think that is it's been really cool.

00:07:24.889 --> 00:07:28.752
You know, one thing I noticed I, you know, that age gap.

00:07:28.752 --> 00:07:33.355
You ever been talking to somebody and they're like, oh, we're like actually like close to the same age.

00:07:33.355 --> 00:07:38.144
You know, like that three years doesn't make a difference and I'm like baby, as an older sister.

00:07:38.144 --> 00:07:42.189
Yes, it does, because I know what a three-year difference is.

00:07:42.189 --> 00:07:57.947
But you know, it's always so interesting that, even though you can grow up in the same household, you can have completely different experiences, completely different outcomes, and you can take what you gleaned growing up in that household and use it in so many different ways.

00:07:58.028 --> 00:08:10.187
Right, and there's one particular theory that really talks about how siblings experience things differently and they are shaped and molded by the ways that they experience things, right?

00:08:10.187 --> 00:08:13.802
So today we are talking about birth order theory.

00:08:13.802 --> 00:08:18.673
Okay, Specifically as it relates to that older sister, younger sister, dynamic, right?

00:08:18.673 --> 00:08:21.663
And we actually have an expert on the line, ruth Abigail.

00:08:21.663 --> 00:08:24.247
We have an expert, she went to school for it.

00:08:24.247 --> 00:08:28.132
She has her master's in counseling, she just got fully licensed.

00:08:28.132 --> 00:08:30.115
Okay, don't play with her.

00:08:30.115 --> 00:08:33.625
Okay, my sister fully licensed, all right.

00:08:33.625 --> 00:08:37.162
And so, baby, tell us, tell us about what that birth order theory is.

00:08:37.162 --> 00:08:38.203
Talk to us about it.

00:08:39.927 --> 00:08:49.484
I would just like to say that when we are in school, we study for a test, we get that information and if we don't use it, we lose it.

00:08:49.484 --> 00:08:56.062
But birth order is definitely one of the things that I use constantly, and not just in my profession.

00:08:56.062 --> 00:09:10.636
It was founded by Alfred Adler AA and he speaks about the different characteristics that you can find in firstborns, middle child and also the youngest.

00:09:10.636 --> 00:09:13.389
You can see it in relationships.

00:09:13.389 --> 00:09:19.352
You can see it in how people respond to different events within their life.

00:09:19.352 --> 00:09:26.129
It definitely can be used in my profession counseling but when I was in the schools, I was using it in schools.

00:09:26.129 --> 00:09:37.528
When I communicate with cousins and family and even friends, it's always in the back of my mind Like okay, she's a firstborn, so I got to approach this differently.

00:09:37.528 --> 00:09:41.326
Because she understands things differently, she has a different point of view.

00:09:41.326 --> 00:09:51.086
I love birth order Now, there are always exceptions to the rules Always but it's definitely a good foundation to start at.

00:09:53.131 --> 00:09:53.653
That's what's up.

00:09:53.653 --> 00:10:04.009
And I think, ruth, abigail, can you talk a little bit about just the older sister, younger sister dynamic Again, you guys have seen the Instagram memes.

00:10:04.009 --> 00:10:08.004
All right, dynamic again you guys have seen the instagram memes.

00:10:08.004 --> 00:10:13.159
All right, you got the older sister who's, like you know, meek and mild, and then the younger sister who is the thugalicious, all right.

00:10:13.159 --> 00:10:48.450
And I really want to hear, right, and I think that that's kind of like a stereotype with older sister, younger sisters is that older sisters have taken on like this great sense of responsibility and like duty and, like you know, wanting to please everybody and make everything comfortable for everybody, whereas younger sisters, I feel, are more like independent, goal oriented, can be more competitive at times and strive for things, strive for their own success, whereas sometimes, I think, younger, older siblings are like everybody has to be okay.

00:10:48.450 --> 00:10:57.634
Are there instances, ruth, where you and Rhoda do y'all have stories of, where you've seen that dynamic at play?

00:10:59.022 --> 00:10:59.946
We don't have any stories.

00:10:59.946 --> 00:11:00.587
No, I'm kidding.

00:11:00.587 --> 00:11:06.403
So that particular dynamic at play.

00:11:06.403 --> 00:11:19.971
So I, I think that one of the just natural ways and I don't know if this is birth order, some of his birth or some of his personality, I think but Rhoda is more expressive than I am, would you agree?

00:11:19.971 --> 00:11:22.053
You're just naturally more expressive than I am.

00:11:22.053 --> 00:11:28.398
Yes, okay, yes, you're just naturally more expressive than I am.

00:11:28.398 --> 00:11:34.722
Yes, okay, yes, so, um, the, the, the, what's going on in my what?

00:11:34.722 --> 00:11:37.014
The story that is, uh, playing in my head right now is the story of when I was dropped off at Furman in college.

00:11:37.014 --> 00:11:37.475
Do you remember this?

00:11:37.475 --> 00:11:40.602
Would you like to tell this story?

00:11:40.602 --> 00:11:41.083
You tell it?

00:11:41.083 --> 00:11:42.666
Yeah, me to.

00:11:42.985 --> 00:11:46.750
Yeah, okay, so we dropped her off.

00:11:46.750 --> 00:11:56.803
Of course she's the oldest, so we dropped her off at college and she was the first to go and it was a big thing in our family.

00:11:56.803 --> 00:12:01.650
So we all, like we miss me and Rufus, who's in the middle of us.

00:12:01.650 --> 00:12:02.351
He's our brother.

00:12:02.351 --> 00:12:06.297
We miss, like, the first week of school, which was a big deal.

00:12:06.317 --> 00:12:07.317
We miss the first middle of us.

00:12:07.317 --> 00:12:07.658
He's our brother.

00:12:07.658 --> 00:12:19.400
We missed, like, the first week of school which was a big deal.

00:12:19.421 --> 00:12:19.802
We dropped her off.

00:12:19.802 --> 00:12:21.224
We were there an entire week and we moved her in all these things.

00:12:21.224 --> 00:12:32.542
I still have modeled my closet after her roommate, who I don't even know the girl's name, but whoever her roommate was, she had everything color-coded and I was like this is amazing, but that's how much.

00:12:32.542 --> 00:12:33.884
We were in her dorm room.

00:12:33.884 --> 00:12:36.210
We knew everything.

00:12:36.210 --> 00:12:37.832
So we dropped her off.

00:12:37.832 --> 00:13:05.124
The last day before we drove back to Houston, we were walking down the hallway in the dorm and I just it was this moment of like our family dynamic will never be the same, like we're leaving her here and we're never, she's never going to be like within our household, like we're not going to be a family of five ever again, and actually we've never been.

00:13:05.124 --> 00:13:06.508
It's crazy's true.

00:13:06.508 --> 00:13:09.857
So actually, wow, I was spot on, okay, oh, wow.

00:13:09.857 --> 00:13:16.070
And I just burst out into this whale, yeah, crying.

00:13:16.070 --> 00:13:22.687
We're about to walk down the stairs and she hears me all the way down the hall in the door the hallway is a long hallway.

00:13:23.309 --> 00:13:29.285
Yeah, it's a very long hallway and I'm all towards the end, she comes running down.

00:13:29.326 --> 00:13:35.761
Well, I don't know if you ran, but you came down and and we just embraced it.

00:13:35.761 --> 00:13:48.644
She just comforted me and it was the first moment, because me and ruthabi used to fight, argue and bicker and I mean it was just constant, and so it was the first moment of like us.

00:13:48.644 --> 00:13:50.937
Well, what's our phrase that we always say?

00:13:50.937 --> 00:13:56.015
I forgot, sisters by sisters by what?

00:13:58.586 --> 00:14:00.224
oh, that is, that's hallmark.

00:14:00.224 --> 00:14:03.948
That is just precious, that is so precious.

00:14:03.948 --> 00:14:04.365
Oh my, it really was.

00:14:04.365 --> 00:14:05.220
That is just precious, that is so precious.

00:14:07.562 --> 00:14:16.475
Oh my, it really was the first moment Both of us identified as the first moment of us, it's true, starting our sisterhood as friends.

00:14:20.629 --> 00:14:22.360
Like a friendship within our sisterhood.

00:14:22.360 --> 00:14:29.313
No, I think that makes a lot of sense, because I do think that there is a shift that happens after the oldest moves out of the house.

00:14:29.313 --> 00:14:35.991
Arvae and I too, used to fight, ok, mostly over the phone.

00:14:35.991 --> 00:14:42.332
Ok, because as the older sister, I really felt like the phone was mine.

00:14:42.332 --> 00:14:45.409
You know, back in the day, that was the day of the landline.

00:14:45.409 --> 00:14:48.809
Okay, we didn't have cell phones at 12 and 13.

00:14:49.230 --> 00:14:56.489
When I got my first cell phone at 16, I thought I was big dog and I also had to find $10 a week.

00:14:56.489 --> 00:14:59.073
All right, to put some minutes back on my phone.

00:14:59.073 --> 00:15:01.866
Okay, see you, young people don't know nothing about that.

00:15:01.866 --> 00:15:05.462
Okay, but I was begging somebody like, hey, can I just get?

00:15:05.462 --> 00:15:06.712
I just need to put some more minutes on my phone.

00:15:06.712 --> 00:15:07.639
I ran out, right.

00:15:07.860 --> 00:15:26.783
But I remember one day and I was in the eighth grade and I had, like all these friends, and it was like what we did was when I got off the bus and I went in the house, immediately, I'm on the phone with the people I just saw, because why would I not be, you know?

00:15:26.783 --> 00:15:31.041
And I remember I came home one day and Veve was on the phone, like if I'm in eighth grade, that puts her in fourth.

00:15:31.041 --> 00:15:35.188
Who do you even need to be talking to in the fourth grade?

00:15:35.188 --> 00:15:39.664
So then, like hours go by and I'm like yo, where are my people at?

00:15:39.664 --> 00:15:42.892
Nobody's called me, I haven't talked to anybody.

00:15:43.393 --> 00:15:55.028
The school the next day, right, and my best friend at the time he comes up to me he's like yo, I called you, but Veve whispered in the phone and told me that you would call her back later.

00:15:55.028 --> 00:16:02.866
And he said I kept trying to call back and she kept whispering in the phone, saying that you couldn't talk right now.

00:16:02.866 --> 00:16:04.448
And that was when it went down.

00:16:04.448 --> 00:16:11.946
That was when, as younger sisters, I went home that day and I said let me tell you something.

00:16:11.946 --> 00:16:14.908
And I felt like there were constant moments.

00:16:14.908 --> 00:16:16.679
Baby, don't act like you, don't remember this.

00:16:16.679 --> 00:16:18.525
No, I'm trying to figure out what you told me.

00:16:18.525 --> 00:16:21.748
Whatever, I bet I got that phone, okay.

00:16:22.299 --> 00:16:25.190
I got on the internet and you was not having no calls.

00:16:26.059 --> 00:16:27.325
No, yes, she definitely did that.

00:16:27.345 --> 00:16:28.568
We were fighting with that landline.

00:16:30.586 --> 00:16:37.024
It was fighting and striving Because when you used to get on the internet back in the day, it would knock somebody off the phone.

00:16:38.629 --> 00:16:41.225
Yep, unless you had that ridiculousness, my boyfriend got no landline that day.

00:16:42.259 --> 00:16:42.701
Ridiculousness.

00:16:42.701 --> 00:16:47.912
But, Veve, how did you feel after I went to college?

00:16:50.942 --> 00:16:51.566
It was weird.

00:16:51.566 --> 00:17:02.471
It was really weird because all my life I've been a younger sister Like you, had a time where you were an only child and it was just you and mama.

00:17:02.900 --> 00:17:09.969
So when you went off to college, it was just me and mama and you went off to college, it was just me and mama and I was like how many more years I got to be up in here?

00:17:09.969 --> 00:17:19.840
I was ready to go to college, like as the younger sister, as me, I hated school, but I knew I was going to college because one my big sister did.

00:17:19.840 --> 00:17:25.557
So you were a working model in my life, but I actually missed you and I when you were a working model in my life but I actually missed you.

00:17:25.557 --> 00:17:32.252
And when you were like getting prepared for college, I remember like oh, I can't wait for you to go.

00:17:32.252 --> 00:17:33.880
You've been working my nerves.

00:17:33.880 --> 00:17:49.365
But as soon as you left and like we came back and I'm home and it's quiet, I don't have nobody to crack jokes with because don't nobody understand me like my sister to crack jokes with, because don't nobody understand me.

00:17:49.385 --> 00:17:54.799
like my sister, I hate to say it, but nobody gets those inside family jokes or nobody debriefs debriefs when we go with family, like my sister.

00:17:54.799 --> 00:18:01.654
So I was like dang and I think I even called you, I feel like.

00:18:01.654 --> 00:18:10.347
But our turning point that when it became more of a friendship is when you got your cell phone, because that's literally all we used to fight over.

00:18:11.842 --> 00:18:12.644
You got your cell phone.

00:18:12.724 --> 00:18:13.788
I got the landline.

00:18:13.788 --> 00:18:14.289
We good.

00:18:14.289 --> 00:18:18.329
People ain't calling no more, we good.

00:18:18.329 --> 00:18:24.032
But I just remember sitting in my room and I was like dang, it's quiet.

00:18:29.299 --> 00:18:33.028
Dang like sitting in my room and I was like, dang, it's quiet, dang, you know it's funny because I don't know that.

00:18:33.028 --> 00:18:47.087
As an older sister, I was constantly thinking about, like you know, like we're the first to do things right, like we're, and I think sometimes you get so caught up in the experience of you know, like I'm in college, I was trying to figure myself out.

00:18:47.087 --> 00:18:50.304
I was trying to figure out I mean I changed my major.

00:18:50.304 --> 00:18:52.088
In the middle of it I found Ruth Abigail.

00:18:52.088 --> 00:18:52.891
I had to deal with her.

00:18:52.891 --> 00:18:55.769
You know I love you so much.

00:18:55.769 --> 00:18:57.246
I love you so much.

00:18:57.246 --> 00:19:00.585
You know we had to get her up to speed, make sure she was good.

00:19:00.585 --> 00:19:14.300
You know we had to tutor her on you know all things of being around, you know, people having friends.

00:19:14.300 --> 00:19:14.942
Yeah, you know I had to.

00:19:14.942 --> 00:19:15.863
I had to whip her into shape, you know.

00:19:15.883 --> 00:19:37.451
But I I don't think that I realized how much me leaving had an impact until I think, when my sister went to college, I think when they they went to college, I think when Veve went to college and I realized that I was walking her through, walking her through her experience, then I was like, oh snap, Like when I left, that had an impact on her.

00:19:37.451 --> 00:19:45.186
And so even you know, Rhoda, hearing your story, I can, I can for Ruth to come out and embrace you.

00:19:45.186 --> 00:19:46.288
You know that was a moment.

00:19:46.288 --> 00:19:47.653
It was a big moment.

00:19:47.653 --> 00:19:49.346
That's why we still remember it.

00:19:49.346 --> 00:19:51.480
It was a big moment.

00:19:51.480 --> 00:20:15.835
But yeah, you know, I think a lot of times we get so caught up in what it's like being on either side of it, Veve more when we started talking more, you know, and really having those more in-depth conversations about her experiences and my experiences.

00:20:15.875 --> 00:20:30.608
But yeah, yeah, yeah, I think something that we talked about and just alluded to even just now is that the way we experience family.

00:20:30.608 --> 00:20:33.858
How do you like, how do you see your parents from the perspective of a younger child versus an older sibling?

00:20:33.878 --> 00:21:00.432
and well, I think, I, I think, for you know, when we're thinking about the birth order, one of the things that I think about um, I saw this actually somewhere where, like the old, like with every child, you take up, so, like the first born child, you can choose what you want, who you want to be, all these things, because nothing's taken yet.

00:21:00.432 --> 00:21:06.355
So you get to be your own person, you, you know, like whoever, that whatever.

00:21:06.355 --> 00:21:18.391
Then the second child is like okay, so if the first child is, you know, a perfectionist, the second child is going to come and that, well, the perfectionist role is already taken, so I'm going to take something else.

00:21:18.391 --> 00:21:19.561
So they choose something else.

00:21:19.561 --> 00:21:28.075
And so with every child, it's like you have to choose something that your older siblings didn't choose, or are not.

00:21:28.075 --> 00:21:29.020
You see what?

00:21:29.040 --> 00:21:29.480
I'm saying.

00:21:30.041 --> 00:21:48.335
And so I think, like in terms of parents, you know, like earlier somebody said, like the youngest child is very adventurous, and I know for me, like even something that I can think back on on a small level, like even something that I can think back on on a small level, it was like Ruth Abigol took Spanish in high school.

00:21:48.335 --> 00:22:05.780
My brother took Spanish, so I was like I'm going to take French, I don't know anything about French, I failed French, I didn't know nothing, nobody in my household knew anything about French, but I wanted to be different, I wanted to stand out and do something different than they did.

00:22:05.780 --> 00:22:12.634
And then, like I love to travel, but also, like that box was not taken by either one of them.

00:22:12.634 --> 00:22:28.615
And so I do think that, like, as far as your parents, you know, every child wants attention, or every child wants, um, to be loved.

00:22:28.615 --> 00:22:36.833
You know, or feel loved, or uh, or I don't know if it's earned the love or whatever from your parents and it's.

00:22:37.580 --> 00:22:40.446
And so you, you do whatever.

00:22:40.446 --> 00:22:43.433
You think that your parents, I feel like for that we go.

00:22:43.433 --> 00:22:48.752
My parents were very, very hard on her because she's the oldest, so she's setting the tone for all of us.

00:22:48.752 --> 00:23:02.673
So I saw that and I I like very much remember that and I also remember them thinking but I they weren't as strict with me, they weren't, and they always thought they.

00:23:02.673 --> 00:23:07.731
They weren't like my brother and sister always thought that they weren't either, but and they weren't.

00:23:07.731 --> 00:23:31.507
But it's also like that was just something that you know Ruth Abigail had, like she had to carry that, whatever you want to call it, versus for me, I didn't have to carry those same things that was really good.

00:23:31.694 --> 00:23:34.183
I didn't even think it was mama more strict with you.

00:23:34.183 --> 00:23:39.403
I don't know if I saw a difference, because she was just strict with us.

00:23:39.403 --> 00:23:44.460
Mama was breaking some generational curses, raising us.

00:23:44.460 --> 00:23:52.382
So I'm not sure if she was more strict with Queda, but I know that Queda, I call her Queda, y'all.

00:23:52.382 --> 00:23:52.762
I don't know.

00:23:52.762 --> 00:23:54.075
I know Queda.

00:23:54.075 --> 00:23:58.750
I always remember that.

00:23:58.750 --> 00:24:01.435
This is my memory, this is my truth.

00:24:01.435 --> 00:24:09.618
But Queda was such a good first child that it didn't feel like she wasn't more strict with me.

00:24:09.618 --> 00:24:35.403
But she wasn't as worried about me going down a wrong path because, as much as I hate to admit it, queda did have a hand in raising me and it's kind of like Mama was like okay, queda's turning out good, so I don't have to worry about Veve as much because now she has me and Queda in her life as working models.

00:24:35.403 --> 00:24:38.701
I don't know if that makes sense.

00:24:38.701 --> 00:24:44.179
That's how I see it, though I feel like she was stern.

00:24:44.179 --> 00:24:48.605
I don't know if it was strict, she ain't play.

00:24:50.788 --> 00:25:04.058
Yeah, she play now, though I don't know when you gonna snatch these, snatch these nieces and nephews up, you know, and she be like, oh, you know, they get down she be like they're not my kids, yeah.

00:25:07.291 --> 00:25:13.097
I'm interested to know cause, you know, when I think about, like, how I experience my parents.

00:25:13.097 --> 00:25:28.747
My parents had me very young and I I almost felt like I was not, that I was raising them, but I felt like we were all growing up together and I'm wondering, veve and Rhoda, if that resonates with you at all.

00:25:28.747 --> 00:25:38.669
If that resonates with you at all, like, as younger sisters, like, did you ever feel like a weight from the family dynamic that you were responsible for?

00:25:40.536 --> 00:25:45.047
Are we talking about as younger or like me right now?

00:25:47.455 --> 00:25:48.038
As well.

00:25:48.038 --> 00:25:51.467
Let's do both Like as younger, and then how do you feel now?

00:25:53.236 --> 00:25:54.903
When I was young, I didn't feel any of that.

00:25:54.903 --> 00:25:58.398
I didn't feel any of that.

00:25:58.398 --> 00:26:06.599
But now that I've gotten older and and I'm going to be honest, when I was younger I probably didn't even notice the dynamics.

00:26:06.599 --> 00:26:08.825
But as.

00:26:08.884 --> 00:26:16.323
I'm older now I see how you your relationships with both of our parents.

00:26:16.323 --> 00:26:17.125
I see them.

00:26:17.125 --> 00:26:20.124
You're the one who you.

00:26:20.124 --> 00:26:24.623
You put the team on your back, Wow, and you take a beat in a lot.

00:26:24.623 --> 00:26:32.023
But when it comes to it, I'm the more vocal one and if I see you doing wrong, I don't like that.

00:26:32.023 --> 00:26:37.184
I will fight for you and sometimes you're the one I put on my back.

00:26:37.184 --> 00:26:55.599
You can have everybody else, but you're the one I put on my back because you're so sweet, you're so kind, you're so giving, you're so helpful and in the back of my head I'm like Queen are not going to say nothing, or Queen are not going to say what need to be said.

00:26:55.700 --> 00:26:56.823
I'll take a cussing out.

00:26:56.823 --> 00:26:57.826
I'll take a butt cussing.

00:26:57.826 --> 00:26:58.728
It's just a butt cussing.

00:26:58.728 --> 00:27:09.884
You're definitely right about being more adventurous and more risky because I'm saying some stuff, but you're the one that I want to protect.

00:27:09.884 --> 00:27:11.259
You're the one I put on my back.

00:27:11.259 --> 00:27:17.777
When you put the whole family on your back, I think of you first Because you were.

00:27:17.777 --> 00:27:22.067
You was with me in, you was with me shooting in the gym.

00:27:22.067 --> 00:27:28.146
A lot of the times it's been me against, it's been you and me against whatever.

00:27:28.146 --> 00:27:33.464
So not saying that you know, I don't love my mom, I love my mom.

00:27:33.464 --> 00:27:35.401
Don't get it twisted now.

00:27:35.401 --> 00:27:37.800
I'll cut somebody out for her too.

00:27:37.800 --> 00:27:48.122
But when it really comes down to it, I make sure my sister is good first, because in my mind we're still kids.

00:27:48.122 --> 00:27:51.426
Mama's an adult in my mind.

00:27:51.426 --> 00:27:51.829
That's interesting.

00:27:51.829 --> 00:27:53.954
Mama, that's interesting that's interesting.

00:27:55.740 --> 00:28:04.489
Promise y'all, we didn't pay her to do any of this and we did not bring our younger sisters on here to like as like free promo to make us look good.

00:28:04.489 --> 00:28:06.961
Okay, this is just what younger sisters do.

00:28:06.961 --> 00:28:09.681
I love you, bae thank you.

00:28:09.883 --> 00:28:11.355
That's beautiful bae bae.

00:28:11.355 --> 00:28:11.595
That's you.

00:28:11.595 --> 00:28:12.236
That's beautiful bae bae.

00:28:12.236 --> 00:28:14.998
That's really really really well said.

00:28:14.998 --> 00:28:30.670
It's interesting because you know, I look at my sister, I look at Ruth Abby, and she has a very like between myself, my brother and her like.

00:28:30.670 --> 00:28:43.027
She has a very different relationship with my brother than I have and hers is more bigger sister type, parental.

00:28:46.996 --> 00:28:50.786
That means a great huh More parental than yours.

00:28:51.335 --> 00:28:52.770
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's a great listener, she's a great, and More parental than yours.

00:28:52.770 --> 00:29:20.982
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, she's a great listener, she's a great, and you're right, like there is a kindness, there is a gentleness, there is a to her as well, and perhaps that's why Queda, you and Ruth Abby, you know, are best friends the way y'all are, cause I think that that's also interesting to also look at friendship dynamics of like do you choose older, older kids as as close friends or younger kids anyway?

00:29:20.982 --> 00:29:26.527
Okay, but for Ruth Abigail though, it's, I have.

00:29:26.795 --> 00:30:03.969
I have seen more of my protective side come out as an adult, though I don't think it really showed up as me as a kid, but I watched everything and everyone, always as a kid now, everything, and I feel like there are things that I am able to see that Ruth Abigail sometimes doesn't see, because her kindness or her gentleness or her just like seeing good in people, can sometimes blind her or make her not see.

00:30:03.969 --> 00:30:10.307
Things that are very apparent to me, and actually Queda has talked me off some ledges with some people.

00:30:11.536 --> 00:30:15.573
Listen some of y'all who may be listening today okay, actually Queda has talked me off some ledges with some people.

00:30:15.573 --> 00:30:20.673
Listen Some of y'all who may be listening today.

00:30:20.673 --> 00:30:23.538
Okay, didn't know that Rhoda's not the one to play with.

00:30:23.558 --> 00:30:27.085
But I have like, and I don't, the thing about Rosario.

00:30:27.085 --> 00:30:35.660
No joke, she does not remember stuff, and part of that is like she really has a problem with remembering certain things.

00:30:35.660 --> 00:30:38.586
I don't know if it's a trauma response or not, but it might be.

00:30:38.586 --> 00:30:39.476
It might be.

00:30:39.516 --> 00:31:08.260
Maybe I remember everything, so to the point where, like if they looked at her wrong, we we're not rocking with you, that's, that's like my it's the trio it's like, uh, it's just a protective measure, because I do feel like sometimes she doesn't see things that maybe someone else may see or may be doing to her.

00:31:08.560 --> 00:31:17.009
Um so what's interesting about what Rhoda just said as far as like, like the protective thing, and even what Veve said about Cuida?

00:31:17.009 --> 00:31:29.199
I don't know about you, cuida, but I, I think I just don't feel the, I don't feel like I need it because I feel like I can handle most things and that's that bothers Rhoda.

00:31:29.199 --> 00:31:29.900
Rhod tells me.

00:31:29.900 --> 00:31:31.382
She says, don't suffer in silence.

00:31:31.382 --> 00:31:41.442
Like she says this and I'm like dude, I'm fine, like that, I'm fine, kind of like I'm fine, I'll be okay, I'm fine, I'll be okay.

00:31:41.442 --> 00:31:57.338
Mentality, yeah, I think, is it feels very oldest child because you do like tip, it does feel like you hold more on you, whether you're asked to or not.

00:31:57.338 --> 00:31:59.884
Just naturally you hold more, you're able to, to sustain more.

00:31:59.884 --> 00:32:11.101
You know, push through, like I'm going, you know, even with Ty, who's you know my husband, who is the second to youngest, so he's on that youngest side he is.

00:32:11.101 --> 00:32:19.078
He is telling me all the time like, hey, like you don't I mean like you need to take a break, like you have to, just you don't have to.

00:32:19.319 --> 00:32:21.483
So but but he's, he is.

00:32:21.483 --> 00:32:27.400
He is pointing out also just the reality of I will do everything I can to make something work.

00:32:27.400 --> 00:32:31.105
It's very rarely do I say no, no, I just can't do it.

00:32:31.105 --> 00:32:34.155
I'm not saying I shouldn't, but like rarely do I do that.

00:32:34.155 --> 00:32:46.508
And so, versus Rhoda, rhoda is quick to say absolutely not, like I'm not doing it, like and I can't do it, and I, this is not, I can't do it, you know, and so I don't know how you is that like?

00:32:46.508 --> 00:32:47.637
Does that resonate with you, queda?

00:32:47.657 --> 00:33:06.028
like as far as the, the mentality, so all right, ruth, we're about to have a healing moment because, as I don't know if I've how many times I said it or what I wouldn't have said it, but uh, ruth knows that I've been in this healing the heart class, which 10 out of 10 recommend.

00:33:06.028 --> 00:33:07.897
I just finished it, y'all.

00:33:07.897 --> 00:33:10.806
I cannot say enough good things about the process.

00:33:10.806 --> 00:33:16.199
The class, like dang, it was amazing, but you know one that's.

00:33:16.199 --> 00:33:28.332
That's really something that I think I had to like really deal with is this idea of I always made myself be okay with things that weren't okay.

00:33:28.332 --> 00:33:31.078
You get what I'm saying like and like.

00:33:31.641 --> 00:33:50.988
I was okay with the burdens and the weights, and you know like I, because there was also something in me as an older child that was like they need me and them needing me is what is making me feel important, or substantiated, or purposeful.

00:33:51.348 --> 00:33:56.395
Or you know, like and really feeling like, if I don't do it, who will?

00:33:57.278 --> 00:34:01.948
And what I've learned is is that you had some needs too.

00:34:02.930 --> 00:34:03.611
You know what I'm saying.

00:34:03.611 --> 00:34:40.699
Like you had some things that went unattended to, and I think that that's one of the reasons why I've really admired my sister, because her discernment and her ability to really stand up for herself and to set really clear boundaries and to build a life that was separate from other people's opinions and other people's thoughts, and to really, you know, go hard after things and not be worried about how it's going to impact this or impact that, but to just see the greatness on the inside of her and go after it.

00:34:40.699 --> 00:34:52.025
Like I feel like that took me years to be able to even attempt, because my mind was so focused on yes, it was the.

00:34:52.025 --> 00:34:58.905
These things around me need to happen and I'm carrying the moments and not necessarily the people, but the moments.

00:34:58.905 --> 00:35:13.768
I'm carrying the moments on my shoulder and I'm taking in and ingesting all of this stuff, um, that I felt responsible for, right, and that I've taken on as burdens and as duties.

00:35:13.768 --> 00:35:17.465
And then I look at my sister and she's like that ain't my problem.

00:35:19.498 --> 00:35:20.201
And that's them.

00:35:20.422 --> 00:35:27.367
You know, like I'm not dealing with that and I'm like, okay, I think there is still an opportunity here.

00:35:27.367 --> 00:35:30.123
You know, as older sisters we're just so used to.

00:35:30.123 --> 00:35:31.757
You know, I used to give Bebe lectures.

00:35:31.757 --> 00:35:39.489
I learned before I ever became a professor, before I ever became a minister.

00:35:39.489 --> 00:35:42.545
Bebe always says that she was my first minister.

00:35:42.545 --> 00:35:54.626
Okay, because before I ever got in the pulpit talking to anybody else, okay, I was talking to her, I was preaching to her, I was, I was, I was preaching to her.

00:35:54.626 --> 00:36:04.463
You know, she got some of my first sermons Okay, cause anytime I saw anything I was like all right, here's a, we need to have an hour, talk about that right there.

00:36:04.463 --> 00:36:05.065
You know.

00:36:05.215 --> 00:36:24.626
But to me it felt, it felt like I was like I I have to, like I have to carry the moment, I have to make sure her moment is OK, because this is the family's moment and I am I am responsible for the moments in the family, like I am responsible to make sure that she makes it through.

00:36:24.626 --> 00:36:39.782
You know, have gone through my own process of really beginning to take that stuff off.

00:36:39.782 --> 00:36:44.297
I'm in a moment right now where I'm actually having like not that I've scrapped everything, I mean like all of that was trash.

00:36:44.297 --> 00:36:45.460
And here's the new Jaquita.

00:36:45.460 --> 00:36:53.646
But I'm in a moment right now where I'm like okay, Jaquita, who are you when you take everyone else's expectations off?

00:36:53.646 --> 00:37:05.307
Who are you when you say I don't have to do everything to please everybody, I don't have to play the role that other people have built for me, I don't have to carry all of the moments.

00:37:05.775 --> 00:37:30.103
I can really find the moments that God intended for me right, because I was so used to carrying everything and considering everything and thinking through everything and everybody that I think that my sister really provided a template for me to be able to step back and say, okay, wait a minute, maybe I can step back and figure out what's really for me.

00:37:30.103 --> 00:37:43.643
And I think that that's when we start to really fine tune and hone in on a deeper sense of purpose and a deeper sense of this is who I really am and I really am okay with it.

00:37:43.643 --> 00:37:48.675
And if it doesn't mesh with somebody else's moment, that's okay.

00:37:48.675 --> 00:37:52.186
I don't have to make my moments fit everybody else's moments.

00:37:52.186 --> 00:38:17.190
I can have a moment and I think watching my sister kind of go through her journey and like really just like maneuvering through different stages of her life gave me the courage and the boldness to be like I'm going after my moment, but I think that that was something that came through my own self-reflection and ability to be like, okay, no, I deserve this moment.

00:38:19.536 --> 00:38:20.561
That's really good, queda.

00:38:20.561 --> 00:38:34.802
One thing that I'm thinking about as you're talking is the reason why I don't think with Abigail and her introduction of me, which I appreciate, but I don't think I'm the most accomplished.

00:38:34.802 --> 00:38:40.545
I think that it wasn't expected.

00:38:40.545 --> 00:38:54.193
The expectations were not at the level for me as they were for you what that is what oldest children carry are the expectations, and it comes out.

00:38:54.353 --> 00:39:09.257
I always see it actually around the holidays when our you know core family of, like our immediate family, is all together, you know for long periods of time, and it's like if me and ruth abrigo have like a running joke as my parents get older.

00:39:09.257 --> 00:39:11.903
It's like you take you take dad, I'll take mom.

00:39:12.666 --> 00:39:13.788
They need to be watched.

00:39:13.788 --> 00:39:16.407
They need to be watched.

00:39:17.315 --> 00:39:23.943
It's like they even if they need something, they're going to ask for that before they ask me.

00:39:23.943 --> 00:39:28.614
I could be the closest in proximity to them, but they're going to ask her before they ask me.

00:39:28.614 --> 00:39:37.260
They're going to expect it of her and I're going to expect it of her and I'm going to to do it right exactly to do it.

00:39:37.500 --> 00:39:50.806
She don't and but it's, but that would go, does it like she just does it because that's always been the expectation and it's like, and then I just allow her to do it.

00:39:50.806 --> 00:39:52.889
I'm like, okay, they need it.

00:39:54.018 --> 00:40:02.376
So even to this day, right Like I remember when we were kids doing the dishes, okay, somehow.

00:40:02.376 --> 00:40:06.983
So we had this chart that we had, and every week we had different chores.

00:40:06.983 --> 00:40:10.105
Somehow I always ended up doing the dishes.

00:40:10.105 --> 00:40:16.021
It was either me or my mother, because somehow everybody else figured out a way to get out of it.

00:40:16.021 --> 00:40:18.202
Somehow I always ended up doing the dishes.

00:40:18.282 --> 00:40:22.367
It was either me or my mother, because somehow everybody else figured out a way to get out of it.

00:40:22.367 --> 00:40:23.568
And if I didn't?

00:40:23.568 --> 00:40:24.188
No, this is how.

00:40:24.188 --> 00:40:25.190
Not somehow, this is how.

00:40:25.210 --> 00:40:26.612
Listen, me and Rufus used to be like Rufus is horrible.

00:40:26.632 --> 00:40:27.813
Rufus is horrible, the worst at it.

00:40:27.813 --> 00:40:32.085
He used to be like Rhoda, don't do anything, don't do anything, don't do anything, she's going to do it.

00:40:32.085 --> 00:40:33.721
I'm like, okay, she's going to do it.

00:40:33.721 --> 00:40:39.961
Because Ruth Apico was like if this is what we're being told to do, it must get done.

00:40:39.961 --> 00:40:42.244
It doesn't matter who's doing it.

00:40:42.244 --> 00:40:50.141
If on the chart it says that it's my week to do it, rhoda's week to do it, at the end of the day it has to get done.

00:40:50.141 --> 00:40:52.547
So if rhoda's not doing it, who's gonna do it?

00:40:52.547 --> 00:40:52.947
I don't.

00:40:52.947 --> 00:40:56.844
I don't want all of us getting trouble, so I'm just gonna go ahead and do it now.

00:40:56.844 --> 00:41:00.081
Me and rufus knew that, so go ahead and do it.

00:41:01.403 --> 00:41:03.469
This is absolutely horrible so she

00:41:03.990 --> 00:41:08.539
to this day, every holiday rv drives nowhere, like literally.

00:41:08.539 --> 00:41:34.789
She comes to the house, she parks her car and then she is shuttled around and I, like a dum-dum, brought the seven-seater car and so like I'm taxi, cabbing everybody around, even like we just uh, we just recently had an event this past weekend, and I'm like lord, I got 10 million decorations in my car.

00:41:34.789 --> 00:41:39.306
I got all this stuff, car packed to the brim.

00:41:39.306 --> 00:41:44.239
I'm like veve, can you please go pick up our dad and his girlfriend?

00:41:44.239 --> 00:41:46.324
And she's like I'd rather not.

00:41:46.324 --> 00:41:54.550
I have a balloon garland that is going from the front of my car all the way to the back.

00:41:54.550 --> 00:41:57.304
My poor dad is sitting in the front seat.

00:41:57.304 --> 00:41:58.947
I'm like daddy, just push the balloons.

00:41:58.947 --> 00:42:05.947
Just push the balloons to the side, daddy, and then you know, don't worry, we won't have these on the way back.

00:42:05.947 --> 00:42:09.824
Just push those to the side, just sit real still, because I don't want them to pop.

00:42:09.824 --> 00:42:21.817
And I'm like girl, you had a whole back seat, but there's really like passenger princess, like mode, because no, and it's every single time.

00:42:22.358 --> 00:42:25.146
It's every single time you need to do better, baby.

00:42:25.536 --> 00:42:28.548
I absolutely parked my car on here.

00:42:28.548 --> 00:42:30.483
Y'all want me to go with y'all.

00:42:30.483 --> 00:42:32.318
We done got this whole.

00:42:32.318 --> 00:42:36.280
Like she said, seven past she's got the let me get a ride car.

00:42:36.280 --> 00:42:56.724
My car is not letting me get a ride and I keep stuff in the back seat just so people be like oh, can I ride, oh, I don't have room no, that's terrible y'all terrible no it didn't matter what car I had, she literally for at least the last 10, 12 years has not driven anywhere, whatever.

00:42:57.576 --> 00:43:02.300
Let me ask y'all this Queeda and ReDebbie, what is it?

00:43:02.300 --> 00:43:05.704
Because we feel fine with giving it to y'all.

00:43:05.704 --> 00:43:10.824
Why do y'all do it every time?

00:43:10.824 --> 00:43:13.425
Because we're going to put our foots down.

00:43:13.425 --> 00:43:13.905
Why do y'all do it every time you have said a present?

00:43:13.905 --> 00:43:21.576
Why not Because we're going to put our foots down, like it's like, but why Because?

00:43:21.717 --> 00:43:36.516
sometimes it's just it is easier to just get it done than to deal with y'all Trying to be like yo go back and forth with y'all trying to get you to do it, because at the end of the day things do have to get done, but it makes like.

00:43:36.516 --> 00:43:37.460
What makes?

00:43:37.460 --> 00:43:46.597
It makes me more upset to have to go back and forth than just do it and like, and then we can all be free and do what we gotta do, and that's fine.

00:43:47.079 --> 00:43:51.896
And see, I think that that's the key difference between younger sister and older sister.

00:43:51.896 --> 00:43:54.780
See, I think that that's the key difference between younger sister and older sister.

00:43:54.780 --> 00:44:01.507
Y'all down for the fight, like if we were to challenge y'all and be like hey, listen, you driving yourself to grandma house, all right, I'm going to ride with you.

00:44:01.507 --> 00:44:09.338
Like y'all be like hey, I've been waiting, I've been waiting for the challenge, you know I don't have the energy.

00:44:09.338 --> 00:44:13.666
I done, told you, I've been carrying like I got 10 million things that.

00:44:13.706 --> 00:44:14.648
I'm thinking about.

00:44:14.648 --> 00:44:16.880
I don't have the energy to fight with you.

00:44:16.880 --> 00:44:18.023
Get in the car, let's go.

00:44:18.043 --> 00:44:18.405
That's it.

00:44:18.405 --> 00:44:26.324
I know you don't have the energy to fight with me, and I know I do, and so I knew that I wasn't taking daddy to the event.

00:44:26.324 --> 00:44:31.219
I was like, well, see if he can fit.

00:44:31.219 --> 00:44:34.025
But I knew you was going to make it work.

00:44:34.025 --> 00:44:35.838
I know you don't have the energy.

00:44:35.858 --> 00:44:44.324
I would like to say I put my foot down this past weekend with Rhoda and I'm proud of myself Because we drove my father's car down to Houston.

00:44:44.324 --> 00:44:46.440
Rhoda drove my mom's car.

00:44:46.440 --> 00:44:47.740
Now my dad's car is smaller.

00:44:47.740 --> 00:44:54.034
She asked me on the way there talking can, uh, can, when you get, can we switch cars?

00:44:54.034 --> 00:44:55.498
I want to drive this big old jeep?

00:44:55.498 --> 00:45:00.219
I said no, because that means we're gonna have to move all our stuff and then we have to change.

00:45:00.219 --> 00:45:00.880
I don't do all that.

00:45:00.880 --> 00:45:04.759
We set up in the car and she was like just let's just switch cars.

00:45:04.759 --> 00:45:07.664
No, so date, I think it was like day two.

00:45:07.664 --> 00:45:10.028
She asked again can we switch?

00:45:10.028 --> 00:45:16.722
I said no, we're not switching cars and we never did and I gotta say there's very few times.

00:45:16.722 --> 00:45:20.284
It did it, sure did it, sure did.

00:45:22.380 --> 00:45:23.425
No, here's the thing.

00:45:23.425 --> 00:45:25.878
Let me say I didn't put up a fight.

00:45:25.878 --> 00:45:30.945
I let it go because you had two other people in there as well.

00:45:30.945 --> 00:45:34.864
So I said you know what I'm just I'm going to take one for the team.

00:45:35.416 --> 00:45:36.619
So what you're saying is I need to.

00:45:36.619 --> 00:45:40.601
You're saying I need to get married, that once my husband comes I'll be.

00:45:40.601 --> 00:45:47.483
I'll be like, hey, hey, listen, I just got a man over there Right in the check out, All right.

00:45:47.844 --> 00:45:57.356
See, I like him a lot, but if I really wanted to, I could have first of all if she gets tied.

00:45:57.376 --> 00:45:58.985
Tied would have been a, you know.

00:45:58.985 --> 00:46:06.711
It do make sense for her to have a bigger car tied the youngest one too, and so he, that was my ticket in.

00:46:06.731 --> 00:46:08.463
But I said you know what, I'm not even gonna worry about it.

00:46:09.177 --> 00:46:11.103
Rhoda said I don't want to break up a happy home.

00:46:11.103 --> 00:46:12.460
Y'all are horrible.

00:46:12.681 --> 00:46:14.438
Y'all are horrible, but it is a good.

00:46:14.438 --> 00:46:16.103
Question is why we be doing it.

00:46:16.103 --> 00:46:22.346
And it is like but I do think it's just as you know.

00:46:22.346 --> 00:46:30.621
I don't know if this is true, like you know, because we're not that far apart, so it's not like we were fully formed doing things for ourselves by the time y'all came into the world.

00:46:30.621 --> 00:46:38.057
However there might be and maybe you could shed some light on this the brain functionality of oldest children, you know what I'm saying.

00:46:38.880 --> 00:46:50.699
And like, really, before anybody else is there, you kind of have your way of getting things done, figuring things out, and then, when other people get into the picture, your way changes.

00:46:50.699 --> 00:46:59.224
So it's almost like, well, if you're not going to do it my way, I'll just do it for both of us, because I figured something out, like I got it, like I'm good, absolutely.

00:46:59.224 --> 00:47:01.503
I don't even need y'all, because I was cool without y'all here.

00:47:01.503 --> 00:47:02.286
You know what I'm saying.

00:47:02.286 --> 00:47:05.963
Like I'm good, so y'all go do your thing and I'll figure it out.

00:47:05.963 --> 00:47:14.141
Is there some validity to to that mentality, even as a young child.

00:47:14.161 --> 00:47:14.422
I don't know.

00:47:14.422 --> 00:47:15.226
Both of y'all work with young kids.

00:47:15.226 --> 00:47:24.454
I don't be knowing if, I'm being honest, that stereotype about firstborns being people pleasers there's some validity, like there's a reason why it's a stereotype.

00:47:24.454 --> 00:47:30.701
It's a reason why it's it's easy for you to go with the flow.

00:47:30.701 --> 00:47:35.726
And me and Rhoda are like no, this will work for me.

00:47:35.726 --> 00:47:36.998
Yeah, you're rebellious.

00:47:36.998 --> 00:47:39.346
I'm absolutely rebellious.

00:47:39.346 --> 00:47:40.990
Yeah, yeah, proud of it.

00:47:40.990 --> 00:47:41.913
I wear that.

00:47:41.913 --> 00:47:42.996
I got a couple of shirts.

00:47:42.996 --> 00:47:57.338
But I also think about what was what's always said to the firstborn when a new child is born you're a big sister, you're a big brother.

00:47:57.338 --> 00:47:57.599
Like.

00:47:57.599 --> 00:48:07.920
There's always this understood responsibility, like, okay, you a big sister now and I think that's what you're carrying.

00:48:07.920 --> 00:48:09.442
Just the title itself.

00:48:09.442 --> 00:48:10.384
I don't.

00:48:10.384 --> 00:48:12.766
I'm nobody's big sister.

00:48:12.766 --> 00:48:15.510
I don't have that responsibility.

00:48:15.510 --> 00:48:17.739
I don't have.

00:48:17.739 --> 00:48:19.014
Nobody has ever placed that on me.

00:48:19.014 --> 00:48:24.036
But as soon as I came into this world, I changed your title.

00:48:24.036 --> 00:48:25.199
My title never changed.

00:48:25.199 --> 00:48:27.143
That's deep.

00:48:27.503 --> 00:48:28.545
So a little Right.

00:48:28.545 --> 00:48:33.487
That makes me a little unhappy, don't like that.

00:48:33.969 --> 00:48:43.309
That's really good, that's deep, that's deep, so like you were just the child for three years, nine months, six days.

00:48:43.309 --> 00:48:46.822
Then boom, I pop into it and now you're the.

00:48:46.822 --> 00:48:47.563
You're a big.

00:48:47.563 --> 00:48:48.385
I don't like that.

00:48:48.385 --> 00:48:50.148
You're the oldest child.

00:48:50.148 --> 00:48:57.925
I've always been baby, I've always been Veve, I've always been the baby and I've even told mama if she has another child after me I'm not claiming it Because I'm the baby.

00:48:57.925 --> 00:49:05.023
So I think that's where you are almost forced to go with the flow.

00:49:06.159 --> 00:49:07.222
Because you had a shift.

00:49:07.222 --> 00:49:08.820
That's a very good point.

00:49:09.815 --> 00:49:12.083
And then somebody created a new flow for us.

00:49:13.815 --> 00:49:14.898
We just had to go with it with our parents.

00:49:14.918 --> 00:49:23.605
If we honest, we need to have a conversation don't take it out on us but they don't, they don't know, they don't know, that they're doing it every, every.

00:49:23.664 --> 00:49:30.286
I feel like all parents do it honestly and without knowing that you are, because you think about it.

00:49:30.286 --> 00:50:19.556
And I've seen this with my nephews uh, with malachi, with there's being such a huge gap of like malachi's in eighth grade and then he has a three-year-old you know my charismatic and he gets all the attention and Malachi, for all these years, has been the only child and he got all the attention for all these years and I think Malachi has really done a great job of being, but he is the big brother now and so, like there are things that it's like Shiloh can do where Malachi they'll be.

00:50:19.556 --> 00:50:20.621
Like Mally, he's free.

00:50:20.621 --> 00:50:23.721
You know, like, come on, you know where it's like, no like.

00:50:23.882 --> 00:50:30.402
Shiloh, he knows what he's doing, right, right right, but it's like because he has that title.

00:50:30.402 --> 00:50:39.690
But it's really interesting because and I would be curious to hear what you think on this Bebe is when I'm at work.

00:50:39.690 --> 00:50:42.554
I just told mom this the other day.

00:50:42.554 --> 00:50:51.050
I'm like mom, you probably wouldn't really recognize me, because there's certain things that she still doesn't think that I know or can do.

00:50:52.498 --> 00:50:58.003
It's like no, I'm an adult woman with a career.

00:50:58.003 --> 00:51:13.947
And I told her I'm like when I'm at work, you probably would not recognize who I am because I step up in a way that probably within our, our family, you've never experienced.

00:51:13.947 --> 00:51:22.992
And it's like like when they, for instance, when they dropped me off at college, they stayed.

00:51:22.992 --> 00:51:25.217
I went to college in Atlanta, they stayed.

00:51:25.217 --> 00:51:27.802
I didn't even know this until a couple years ago.

00:51:28.423 --> 00:51:57.293
My mom said they stayed for a whole week because they didn't think I was gonna make it they didn't think I was gonna be like come, fit out and like just they thought I was gonna want to come home, back home to houston, and and so they stayed, so they dropped me off and then they stayed for an additional week without me knowing, because they really thought I was going to renege on it and it's like that has been the whole.

00:51:57.293 --> 00:52:06.219
I mean this whole, you know, that has it's like the expectations low for me for me to exceed it.

00:52:06.219 --> 00:52:11.708
It's like when I do something, they're like oh my god, wow you are.

00:52:11.927 --> 00:52:16.936
I mean, this is remarkable and it's like it's really not.

00:52:16.936 --> 00:52:17.918
It's really not.

00:52:17.918 --> 00:52:24.876
It's just, your expectations were a little lower a day, you know, for me, but anyway I know.

00:52:24.916 --> 00:52:53.931
That's really interesting because I have a lot of conversations with my mom and I'm like you do realize I'm 34, like I will always be her baby girl and yeah, and she still talks to me like I'm 12 a lot of the times, and Queda does too, and sometimes I'm just like y'all do know, I'm 34, I pay rent, I got all these bills in my name, I have a paid off, I'm a full grown adult over here.

00:52:53.931 --> 00:52:56.702
So that is quite interesting.

00:52:56.702 --> 00:53:07.427
I thought it was just a us thing, but to hear you say that I'm like so that's all, mom, well, that's interesting because I feel like the older I've gotten, the more my mom confides in me like a friend.

00:53:09.016 --> 00:53:14.467
It is not a you're my little girl, girl, it doesn't feel like that.

00:53:14.467 --> 00:53:24.980
It's like mama, you all right, you need to talk, like you know, and she'll call and just I just need to, and there's.

00:53:24.980 --> 00:53:41.048
I mean, it's interesting like there are moments where I'm perfectly fine with that and then there are moments where it's like I kind of just want to be a little kid again, like I just you know it's so funny, because y'all are like talking and y'all are like I don't want to be treated like a little kid.

00:53:41.175 --> 00:53:42.380
I'm like please grab me.

00:53:43.056 --> 00:53:44.297
Can someone can?

00:53:44.378 --> 00:53:47.503
someone like I want somebody to be like.

00:53:47.503 --> 00:53:50.748
Hey, listen, I know it's been hard, come over here.

00:53:50.748 --> 00:53:55.858
You can lean on me, you know like yeah.

00:53:55.938 --> 00:54:00.532
I remember there was a moment, oh, like a couple years ago at work.

00:54:00.532 --> 00:54:01.594
No, I was gonna ask.

00:54:02.876 --> 00:54:07.202
I was gonna ask baby a question, though, yes, can y'all go ahead?

00:54:07.222 --> 00:54:08.322
okay, um all right.

00:54:10.344 --> 00:54:15.070
So I was gonna ask you, babe, back to the how mom confides in you.

00:54:15.070 --> 00:54:18.539
How just said that, um, how does?

00:54:18.539 --> 00:54:22.146
Because I feel like me and my mom also.

00:54:22.146 --> 00:54:27.378
I don't know if I would say she confides, but we talk about everything, yeah.

00:54:27.378 --> 00:54:40.192
But I wonder, if it's like I wonder, is there a difference to how our moms now relate to us, you know, as an oldest versus a youngest?

00:54:40.494 --> 00:54:51.414
It's interesting because I don't think my mom tells me like the heavy stuff, but she tells me like if she wants to gossip, no that's what I was going to say.

00:54:52.456 --> 00:55:01.141
There it is say there it is all the family tea but I don't think she ever wants me to know.

00:55:01.597 --> 00:55:05.865
It's almost like she doesn't want to appear human because she's my mom.

00:55:05.865 --> 00:55:12.563
So there'll be times that we're gossiping, and then I'll say something, and then she'll switch and be like alright, now you twit so, but I There'll be times that we're gossiping and then I'll say something, and then she'll switch and be like all right, now you 12.

00:55:15.199 --> 00:55:21.206
So, it's very rare and if she does confide in me it's a three way call with me and Queen.

00:55:21.206 --> 00:55:33.994
I don't think my mom has ever confided on a struggle or a battle in life with me, but I do get all the family tea, or a battle in life with me, but I do get all the family tea.

00:55:35.139 --> 00:55:41.501
And that's when I'm one of her little friends that she claimed she would never be, and that is interesting.

00:55:42.324 --> 00:55:51.096
That is Because I was actually going to say the same thing of like that's how I think, like I feel.

00:55:51.096 --> 00:55:59.018
Like for Ruth Abigail, know she doesn't really Queda, maybe you relate to this like she doesn't.

00:55:59.018 --> 00:56:08.001
My mom knows, like Ruth Abigail doesn't want nor need to know all the tea, that's not really her thing and so, like she.

00:56:08.001 --> 00:56:21.880
So that's not the way that my mom relates to her, like on that level, versus for me it's like we, we both will go there and and so we relate.

00:56:21.880 --> 00:56:25.358
I don't know we relate to each other like that, but I don't know.

00:56:25.358 --> 00:56:26.483
It's interesting.

00:56:27.496 --> 00:56:27.896
I think it's.

00:56:27.896 --> 00:56:33.568
I think it's interesting because sometimes growing up we didn't really see our parents as human.

00:56:33.568 --> 00:56:55.755
Like I saw them, as you know, parents Like a lot of times I feel like I saw very human sides of my parents and I think that my parents also know that, like I'm like I was there, like Bebe wasn't there and if she was, she wasn't old enough to know, but I'm like I, I was there and I think that they know that.

00:56:55.755 --> 00:56:58.963
So, like, I think that it makes the conversations more honest.

00:56:58.963 --> 00:57:34.067
Um, and I think that, because I have a lot, of, a lot more of those like memories from childhood and just um, like seeing some of the people that were a part of their lives before that maybe they didn't get to see or have even having relationships with some of those people you know, like, um, for my dad, like you know, there was just so much that like I didn't know about, like his childhood, but I started asking questions like, and I was like cause, you know, I took a pastoral care class and we did a genealogy project where we had to go and find out family history.

00:57:34.195 --> 00:57:36.003
Oh, I monopolized on that.

00:57:36.003 --> 00:57:40.567
I went to everybody and I was like all right, so who did what went where?

00:57:40.567 --> 00:57:58.018
And that, I think, is what opened them up to having those more, more of those like deeper conversations, conversations, I think.

00:57:58.018 --> 00:58:00.925
Also when I hit different markers in my life, I think that those doors also open.

00:58:00.925 --> 00:58:02.871
So some of it could be you might not have hit those markers yet.

00:58:02.871 --> 00:58:14.697
I think that I'm sure that Ruth Abigail can say that when she got married that hit a different marker, that opened up a different realm of conversation and relationship, you know, with your parents.

00:58:14.697 --> 00:58:25.489
And so I do think that, like when I hit different markers in my life, like it opened the door for different, different types of conversations and relationships.

00:58:26.496 --> 00:58:41.327
I remember and I want to say this and like pivot into this other topic because I know Rhoda likes talking about it and I'm sure Veve will appreciate it as well but I remember this was a couple of years ago.

00:58:41.327 --> 00:58:49.829
I was going through a really, really tough time at work and I was sitting in church and my father was preaching and he said something that just kind of hit home.

00:58:49.829 --> 00:58:55.730
I started tearing up in church which I don't do ever and I quickly sucked it up.

00:58:55.730 --> 00:59:00.364
I was like I'm not doing that, I don't need nobody looking at me crazy, I don't need no tats on my back, none of that.

00:59:00.364 --> 00:59:00.865
I hate that.

00:59:01.596 --> 00:59:13.295
And so I but I did feel compelled because whatever, whatever he was saying, I was just it was resonating with me so much and I realized that the reason it was resonating with me so much and I realized that the reason was resonating with me so much and I could accept it.

00:59:13.295 --> 00:59:44.637
The way I could accept it is because the way that they, they, um, they really parented us and taught us certain things growing up that I know, I know, based on experience and hearing from other people, that they didn't necessarily get that level of teaching, biblical teaching, all that kind of stuff, right, and I was like man, I, I'm so grateful for that and whatever, whatever reason, I felt compelled to go in after church and let him know, like, hey, I just want to thank you for pouring into us like that because it's getting me through this difficult moment at work.

00:59:44.637 --> 00:59:51.960
And I walked in and I said I'm going to say it, I'm going to leave because I'm not going to cry.

00:59:51.960 --> 00:59:55.942
And of course I walk in, I just melt because it was just so heavy.

00:59:55.942 --> 01:00:04.567
It was just so heavy and I just melt and I just and and my both of my parents came and just embraced me for the fight.

01:00:04.567 --> 01:00:13.088
I can't remember the last time they did that and it felt like they, um, they saw a side of me.

01:00:13.088 --> 01:00:13.809
I just didn't.

01:00:13.994 --> 01:00:21.724
I don't often let anyone see, but particularly my parents, because I don't want you to feel like I need you as much.

01:00:21.724 --> 01:00:24.123
You can handle them.

01:00:24.123 --> 01:00:25.981
Handle Rufus and Rhoda.

01:00:25.981 --> 01:00:28.099
They need you more than I do.

01:00:28.099 --> 01:00:29.143
That's that mentality.

01:00:29.143 --> 01:00:34.282
It's like I can handle it, but I couldn't handle it and so I.

01:00:34.684 --> 01:00:40.856
That moment it was like and I realized like I actually need this more than I thought, like I need.

01:00:40.856 --> 01:00:59.387
I need to be embraced and and parented, like you know, even more than I realized Right, like, and it's like I felt like I was giving them a break by taking care of myself to where they didn't need to focus on me.

01:00:59.387 --> 01:01:03.112
They had two other kids that they could focus on and I'm and I'm feeling like I'm kind of the hero.

01:01:03.112 --> 01:01:04.436
That was kind of a mentality.

01:01:04.436 --> 01:01:08.561
It's like I'm doing what I got to do to make sure that my parents ain't too burdened.

01:01:08.561 --> 01:01:15.697
You know what I'm saying, but in in that I realized there was a lot of um, that that that is I.

01:01:15.697 --> 01:01:16.077
I don't.

01:01:16.077 --> 01:01:20.847
There's some version of trauma inside of that and I don't really know what it is.

01:01:20.847 --> 01:01:32.181
So that's why I wanted to ask y'all, like, handling trauma, handling different difficult moments, um, how do you feel?

01:01:32.181 --> 01:01:36.342
Like what you observed about yourself and observed about us as older siblings?

01:01:36.661 --> 01:01:47.505
that's different, um, I know I love this I really, because, as you're talking, I'm like well, why did I ever feel like that?

01:01:47.666 --> 01:01:49.429
nobody told you you had to.

01:01:49.429 --> 01:01:53.304
Nobody told you you had to carry that by yourself.

01:01:53.304 --> 01:02:01.936
I and I do think, going back to the protective piece, that's what, that is what I know about you and that is what I protect about.

01:02:01.936 --> 01:02:15.576
Like about you of you're not going to for me, I will vent it out, I have my people and I will talk about it and vent and vent and and then I will go to the person.

01:02:15.576 --> 01:02:16.538
I will address it.

01:02:16.538 --> 01:02:20.827
However, it needs to be addressed like that's like.

01:02:20.867 --> 01:02:37.822
It's a very I have a very direct manner of um, you know, addressing certain things and's like and I will say exactly what I'm needing in that moment of like from that person.

01:02:37.822 --> 01:02:44.338
Now I have, I have had to grow in that piece of like understanding for myself what exactly do I need?

01:02:44.338 --> 01:02:50.563
And um, but like that's not.

01:02:50.563 --> 01:03:16.840
It is the reason why how I see you, ruth Abigail, address things or you keep it inside and but then there comes a point where it's the explosive piece that's what I would define as that moment is like you can't bear it anymore.

01:03:16.840 --> 01:04:02.253
You've had probably I can identify I didn't know about that moment, but I can identify that three explosive times where I've seen you break down, and it makes my world come down too, because it's like it's so drastic to how I normally see you and how I normally, I normally see you and how I normally, and so for me it's like and you don't, I feel like you don't acknowledge what is happening, because it's like a coping mechanism, but then it's like then you, you break down.

01:04:02.753 --> 01:04:17.393
Everybody has a breaking point, that's the reality, and and like for me, it's like I don't want to see you get to that breaking point and I don't think that you see it all the time about to happen, but it's like no, that's too much, it's just too much.

01:04:17.393 --> 01:04:20.117
So we, something must change.

01:04:20.117 --> 01:04:22.804
And so what do we need to do to change it?

01:04:22.804 --> 01:04:27.980
Period, and if that's like sever this relationship, then we must do that.

01:04:27.980 --> 01:04:37.623
You know, or or like you know, like we can't accept this from this person.

01:04:37.623 --> 01:04:40.172
That's not, that's not going to work.

01:04:40.172 --> 01:04:45.103
You know, and and and we, we can't let them think that that's okay.

01:04:45.103 --> 01:04:57.835
So you know, we got to move forward in a different way, and so I I have no problems with that which it makes me like there, it's very, it's something I don't understand all the way.

01:04:58.496 --> 01:04:59.559
Yeah, that's fair.

01:04:59.559 --> 01:05:03.184
That's fair, it's fair.

01:05:03.184 --> 01:05:05.077
I don't fully understand it either, but I do.

01:05:05.077 --> 01:05:07.940
For whatever reason, I built up this narrative in my head.

01:05:07.940 --> 01:05:12.173
I need to make it easier for mom and dad, so I'll handle it.

01:05:12.173 --> 01:05:13.657
I don't know why.

01:05:14.938 --> 01:05:23.340
I mean honestly, ruth, like I feel like I have that exact same mentality and it's not just like okay, baby, thank you didn't, didn't?

01:05:23.360 --> 01:05:27.211
We don't need all of that.

01:05:28.112 --> 01:05:39.646
First of all, I'd like to say before say this, I'd like to say Ruth, abigail and I did not anticipate coming on here and being completely counseled and checked by our little sister.

01:05:40.771 --> 01:06:44.057
You know, we thought we was going to come on here and have some laughs and these people that came for the guts, okay, but I find that in so many areas of my life Um, I think one that is like really coming to mind, is like even a lot of times in church, like when I have needs, I don't tell anybody that like, oh, like, oh, man, you know, like I'm going through something I will wait till the last possible moment to be like I need help or like I need, I need someone to know this, and then by the time I get to that moment, I'm looking to be rescued because I have gotten so far down into a pit that I cannot see my way out of and I have exhausted, like before I go to anybody else, and I think that there is like a fear of being a burden or making other people feel like I think obviously this is way down in some previous life experiences, right, but I think that there is.

01:06:44.257 --> 01:06:58.833
There is something on the inside of me that says, if you become a burden, they are going to like it would hurt too much for someone to say out loud I can't help you or I don't, or I don't have time for that.

01:06:58.833 --> 01:07:16.438
And I think that there probably is something to us as older children, having been told you're a big girl now like I need you to be a big girl so I can handle what's going on with your siblings who may have been infants at the time, you know and so I need you to be a big girl.

01:07:16.809 --> 01:07:24.818
And there's something always on the inside of me that's like all right, don't call, yeah, don't call nobody, don't tell nobody you need to be a big girl, you know.

01:07:33.349 --> 01:07:35.483
And and, but on the inside I'm really hoping that somebody will come and see like you need help.

01:07:35.483 --> 01:07:36.670
You know she really need you, she really need something.

01:07:36.670 --> 01:07:47.759
Like I was talking to somebody today and I was like does anybody know that it's just me, like adulting by myself, you know, and so I.

01:07:47.759 --> 01:08:16.613
But I think that I'm constantly thinking like I cannot put my burdens on anyone else because they are going to tell me to be a big girl and they are going to tell me and I remember I was told for a long period of my life, not by family members, but I was told like your feelings don't matter, like suck it up, keep, keep pushing, stop crying, we don't have time, you're emotional, like I remember somebody told me like you're emotional and immediately I was like, well, cut the emotions off.

01:08:16.613 --> 01:08:23.274
All right, cut them off, because I don't even them saying you're too emotional.

01:08:23.354 --> 01:08:31.230
I was like they are going to perceive me as a burden or they are going to perceive me as in the way, versus as being a part of something.

01:08:31.230 --> 01:08:39.730
So I started fighting and overcompensating by trying to be a part of whatever was put in front of me.

01:08:39.730 --> 01:08:42.318
Oh, you need me to help work with this task.

01:08:42.318 --> 01:08:43.119
I'm a part of it.

01:08:43.119 --> 01:08:44.310
You want me to help with this project.

01:08:44.310 --> 01:08:45.332
I'm a part of it.

01:08:45.332 --> 01:08:46.094
I'm a part of it.

01:08:46.094 --> 01:08:48.398
I'm a part of it lest I be forgotten.

01:08:48.398 --> 01:09:01.162
So I'm going to be a big girl, unless somebody kicks me out of the picture, because as long as I'm a big girl and I'm carrying weight and responsibility, I'm a part of what's happening the moment.

01:09:01.182 --> 01:09:02.408
I drop the burdens and the weight, do I still have a place?

01:09:02.408 --> 01:09:02.890
I feel that.

01:09:02.890 --> 01:09:08.150
I feel that Wow bad that's good.

01:09:08.171 --> 01:09:17.211
Wow, I've observed with you quita is that you take on a lot of other people's burdens.

01:09:17.211 --> 01:09:31.484
You take a lot of other people's responsibilities and you just semi-manage it until the point of exhaustion, as you said said, which I don't like that.

01:09:31.484 --> 01:09:36.582
I think mama calls me a job hopper, because if a job is not serving me I quit.

01:09:36.582 --> 01:09:43.042
There was one year I had four different W-2s and all of them sent me my money.

01:09:43.042 --> 01:09:45.970
I see it's almost like you'll stay too long.

01:09:45.970 --> 01:09:59.926
I just I see it's almost like you'll stay too long and I'm wondering if it's because you don't want to be a burden, or you said you said you don't want to be a burden, because if you're a burden, then what if they can't help you?

01:09:59.926 --> 01:10:21.564
It almost sounds like you have a fear of not being helped as opposed to being a burden, and I've made a conscious effort to randomly call you throughout the week just to check on you because, mama, it's interesting mama has always as an adult now, mama has always, like you, talk to your sister.

01:10:22.514 --> 01:10:27.229
I ain't talk to you yet yeah, she makes sure we talk to each other and I'm like me and my sister.

01:10:27.229 --> 01:10:28.596
Good, you talk to your sister.

01:10:28.596 --> 01:10:29.717
But one of the things that mama has told me in, she makes sure we talk to each other and I'm like me and my sister.

01:10:29.717 --> 01:10:36.077
Good, you talk to your sister, but one of the things that mama has told me in privacy is that you know, queda, don't ask for help.

01:10:36.077 --> 01:10:41.092
So, like, I give you an opening, you good.

01:10:41.395 --> 01:10:48.760
Snitch she ain't worried about that look what she gonna do to me.

01:10:48.930 --> 01:10:50.275
No, I was calling Mama a snitch.

01:10:51.050 --> 01:10:56.060
Oh, you know, she can't hold water, not the mouth.

01:10:56.159 --> 01:10:58.123
No, we don't ask for help.

01:10:58.123 --> 01:11:03.516
So I, literally as soon as Mama told me that was years ago, I was like, let me give her an outing.

01:11:03.516 --> 01:11:05.496
Are you good, do you need something?

01:11:06.096 --> 01:11:06.677
That's good.

01:11:07.798 --> 01:11:11.363
Usually you don't take it.

01:11:11.685 --> 01:11:12.913
I didn't take it from my friends.

01:11:13.076 --> 01:11:19.916
I remember I was dead broke at Furman and I remember I can't remember if it was Ruth or Joy or whoever they begged me.

01:11:19.916 --> 01:11:20.811
We were at Wendy's.

01:11:20.811 --> 01:11:27.795
I had no money, they were like Jaquita let me buy you a burger and I was like go ahead.

01:11:27.795 --> 01:11:35.194
This was after like tussling, like yeah that's how we are.

01:11:35.215 --> 01:11:44.337
I don't know what like we I mean I'm saying we because we just both identified this as something, but I'm not saying this is all oldest children, but you know it's like that is.

01:11:44.337 --> 01:12:22.555
But what is very and you know you said earlier about Veve and I would echo the same about Rhoda you have given me like watching you live your adult life has helped me to take to like be more aware of that and kind of find freedom in doing something different, because it is burdensome, like it it's, and I and I honestly I feel the older I get, the the um really I, the less I'm able to take um.

01:12:22.555 --> 01:12:25.882
You know I'm saying like I can't hold what I used to hold.

01:12:26.042 --> 01:12:28.670
I break easily man I used to.

01:12:28.670 --> 01:12:29.689
You know I used to be a lot easily, but also the I used to boy.

01:12:29.689 --> 01:12:30.310
I used to be out here.

01:12:30.310 --> 01:12:33.016
I break a lot easily, but also the stakes are higher, like it's.

01:12:33.056 --> 01:12:35.010
Like you know you get older the stakes are higher.

01:12:35.010 --> 01:12:40.212
It's just you know you have more responsibility, you got more to lose all that stuff, and so it's it's harder.

01:12:40.212 --> 01:13:02.503
But watching y'all in your freedom of just like you know, saying what needs to be said like don't, don't, don't, just take stuff for what it is, um, you know, and kind of doing your thing and not apologizing for it, I feel like I've been more adventurous in my adult life than I ever was as a kid.

01:13:02.503 --> 01:13:10.341
And you know and part of that is watching, you know you and Rufus, to a certain extent, go after stuff like don't, even.

01:13:10.341 --> 01:13:16.581
Like it's like hey, we're gonna go for it, and I always was much more cautious like I'm.

01:13:16.761 --> 01:13:17.341
I was, you know.

01:13:17.341 --> 01:13:17.783
It's just like.

01:13:17.783 --> 01:13:23.643
I'm gonna be a lot more like I'm gonna choose the more standard thing, the more traditional thing.

01:13:23.643 --> 01:13:30.262
I'm gonna go in the way of what makes the most sense versus you didn't necessarily do that, right.

01:13:30.262 --> 01:13:35.338
Like you jump, um and and and take it, take it as it comes, and I.

01:13:35.338 --> 01:13:38.069
That is very admirable and I want to be more like that.

01:13:38.069 --> 01:13:51.329
But it is this fight of this uh, younger self, I think, being so used to not feeling like that was an option.

01:13:51.329 --> 01:13:52.957
It is.

01:13:53.782 --> 01:13:56.917
It's the inner child who really has to.

01:13:58.134 --> 01:13:59.197
You have to talk to it.

01:13:59.197 --> 01:13:59.880
You really do.

01:14:04.547 --> 01:14:14.917
I remember because I will say we said this earlier about the suffering and silence piece, like because she does do that and clearly you do too.

01:14:14.917 --> 01:14:34.195
And so I remember, like the first weeks in her marriage, first like couple months, I just would like I'm like, I'm just like, I'm like I'm just driving home and I'm just like uh, uh, it's gotta be.

01:14:34.195 --> 01:14:35.420
They say marriage is hard.

01:14:35.420 --> 01:14:40.109
I bet this moment, right now, she's suffering and she ain't saying nothing to be clear.

01:14:40.390 --> 01:14:40.872
I wasn't.

01:14:40.872 --> 01:14:42.117
I want to be clear about that.

01:14:42.157 --> 01:14:48.751
I wasn't and I'm going to be clear that nothing was?

01:14:48.751 --> 01:15:00.770
It was just something just paranoid, that was just yes see, but see, you see how she's like okay, anyway, uh, but I called her, I'm like are you okay?

01:15:00.770 --> 01:15:02.292
Is everything okay.

01:15:02.292 --> 01:15:04.337
Okay, are you, you know?

01:15:04.778 --> 01:15:05.600
are you suffering in?

01:15:05.760 --> 01:15:07.503
silence, like is this?

01:15:07.503 --> 01:15:12.332
She's like no, I'm really okay, there's no way.

01:15:12.332 --> 01:15:16.840
You're just okay, like something has to be, you know.

01:15:16.840 --> 01:15:21.253
But it is like a, it is something where it's.

01:15:21.253 --> 01:15:22.377
It's like a.

01:15:22.377 --> 01:15:34.715
I wouldn't say a fear, but I'm very I'm always very cognizant that even if out of her mouth she says she's okay, don't take it for face value.

01:15:35.497 --> 01:15:40.664
I got to see by certain behaviors or certain whatever.

01:15:40.664 --> 01:15:52.502
I really have to discern it because I can't trust what's coming out of your mouth, if you are okay or not, but it's like on the other end of it.

01:15:52.502 --> 01:15:59.556
One of my best friends was like no, like she has to.

01:15:59.556 --> 01:16:09.173
Even if she's not okay, it's her and her husband they got to figure it out Like when it's not okay and you got to be okay with that.

01:16:09.234 --> 01:16:15.418
Thank you, raven, I appreciate that, yeah, I think it's.

01:16:16.000 --> 01:17:11.355
I just think it's very um, I think that every family I learned this in counseling but, uh, every family, I think this goes with the sibling roles of like there are unspoken rules and I think that that, for the oldest child, is an unspoken rule of like, being the big, the oldest child, you have to be the model A and you have to be okay and you have to be the model a and you have to be okay and you have to be the model of being okay, like this is what's okay, and the rest of your siblings so they can see what they need to be, or it's an unspoken rule Mom and dad have never actually said those things, but that is, that is how it how you know what's?

01:17:11.576 --> 01:17:13.542
What's an unspoken rule for youngest children?

01:17:13.542 --> 01:17:18.877
Do y'all even do rules?

01:17:18.877 --> 01:17:19.498
Is that a thing?

01:17:21.333 --> 01:17:22.457
You lawless citizens.

01:17:24.280 --> 01:17:28.578
It's an unspoken rule that it's like Ain't no rules.

01:17:28.637 --> 01:17:48.637
Right, right, right it's like ain't no rules right right, right, it's like it's the unspoken rule of we expect for you to be, um, not to do certain things, but like to follow in.

01:17:48.637 --> 01:17:49.930
I think, for me personally, it but like to follow in.

01:17:49.930 --> 01:17:56.811
I think, for me personally, it was like to follow in Ruth Abigas' footsteps, like that was the.

01:17:56.811 --> 01:18:02.063
It was like it was like the unspoken rule of like we expect you to actually do.

01:18:02.063 --> 01:18:06.936
This is the mold that she has put forth and we expect for you to follow that.

01:18:07.811 --> 01:18:10.269
That was definitely an unspoken rule in our household.

01:18:10.269 --> 01:18:11.953
Quita went to college.

01:18:11.953 --> 01:18:14.417
I naturally went to college.

01:18:14.417 --> 01:18:16.261
Quita went to grad school.

01:18:16.261 --> 01:18:20.359
I went to grad school and it's interesting to get her phd.

01:18:20.359 --> 01:18:29.279
I am not writing a dissertation, I am duly licensed, we good.

01:18:29.279 --> 01:18:35.496
But it's interesting because Queda was the first in our family and then I was the second.

01:18:35.496 --> 01:18:40.542
We've got a lot of cousins who think that we think we're better.

01:18:40.542 --> 01:18:43.675
Don't nobody think that we just got dead.

01:18:43.675 --> 01:18:59.969
But it's interesting because I've always said if I had, if anybody else in our family was my big sister, I know for a fact that I probably wouldn't have went to college.

01:18:59.969 --> 01:19:02.793
I had that working model.

01:19:02.793 --> 01:19:16.439
So if we want to talk about unwritten rules for the youngest or even the next born, it's you see what your sister did, especially if they were a good example.

01:19:16.439 --> 01:19:19.051
You see what your sister did.

01:19:19.051 --> 01:19:20.658
She ain't getting that much trouble.

01:19:20.658 --> 01:19:24.095
She don't talk back Me, I talk back.

01:19:24.856 --> 01:19:33.927
But I never went to jail, oh wow, no, I didn't go to jail, though I didn't do that, didn't go to jail.

01:19:34.891 --> 01:19:38.341
I didn't go to jail, I'm just saying some families have different dynamics.

01:19:38.341 --> 01:19:49.260
Y'all know I'm a counselor, but it's almost like the rule for the youngest or even the next born is follow the path that's already been made.

01:19:49.739 --> 01:19:50.100
Yeah.

01:19:50.621 --> 01:19:52.603
And, speaking as the youngest, I'm going to be honest.

01:19:52.603 --> 01:19:55.645
I'm a rebel, so sometimes I didn't want to do that.

01:19:55.645 --> 01:20:02.529
I wanted to go to college but I didn't want to study what she studied.

01:20:02.529 --> 01:20:05.894
But it's so funny, we were both in band.

01:20:05.894 --> 01:20:11.282
I tried so hard not to play the same instrument as Queda she really did.

01:20:11.282 --> 01:20:12.965
Queda played the tuba.

01:20:16.335 --> 01:20:19.905
I started off on bassoon Bassoon Hold on what that is Wow.

01:20:21.871 --> 01:20:30.001
I went from bassoon to trombone, to baritone and my band teacher was like you know, you're going to get this tuba.

01:20:30.020 --> 01:20:32.828
They tried so hard at home and my band teacher was like you know, you gonna get this tuba.

01:20:32.849 --> 01:20:33.390
Bebe tried so hard.

01:20:34.371 --> 01:20:46.676
She tried so hard to not do everything I did, but soon she kept breaking the reeds and them reeds was $12 a pop and they were like nah, nah, get this tuba and stop playing.

01:20:46.676 --> 01:20:54.760
You know, even though Bebe was a psych major, bebe actually finished what I started in college.

01:20:54.760 --> 01:20:58.829
I went to college and started off as a psych major.

01:20:58.829 --> 01:21:06.088
As I say, you know, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't choose religion, religion chose me as a major.

01:21:06.088 --> 01:21:12.617
Okay, literally, one night, ruth, abigail, there, the Lord told me to change my major to religion and it was.

01:21:12.617 --> 01:21:14.000
It was a, it was a, it was a.

01:21:14.081 --> 01:21:17.317
It was a time in my life, right, but I started off as a psych major.

01:21:17.317 --> 01:21:18.801
I started off I was going to be.

01:21:18.801 --> 01:21:20.336
At first I wanted to be a counselor.

01:21:20.336 --> 01:21:23.912
Then I changed it to social worker, but I was failing them religion classes.

01:21:23.912 --> 01:21:32.704
So when Bebe went to college and became a psych major, I was like somebody in the family got to do it and there's just so many things.

01:21:32.704 --> 01:21:47.288
But even though she did some of the things I do, I look back and I'm like I was just there to lay the trail, because you were the one that had to walk it, and flourish in that, because I didn't actually go that way.

01:21:47.288 --> 01:21:52.274
I have remnants of those things in like my purpose and calling.

01:21:52.274 --> 01:21:59.435
But Veve is an absolutely fantastic like like counselor and like you know she can.

01:21:59.435 --> 01:22:00.479
Veve will get in.

01:22:00.479 --> 01:22:04.573
Like I used to say when I was in college, I used to say I just want to be in the gutter with people.

01:22:04.832 --> 01:22:05.573
You know, I just want to.

01:22:05.573 --> 01:22:09.300
I want the worst of the worst situations did what was it?

01:22:11.222 --> 01:22:18.630
I'm a substance abuse and alcohol counselor so I've seen people struggling.

01:22:19.658 --> 01:22:40.002
I've seen people coming down from meth, opioids, crack painkillers, fentanyl is big now listen, that's what I thought I wanted to do, okay, but now I realize I don't know like that's that, but she's awesome at that, you know.

01:22:40.002 --> 01:22:45.000
And so I think some of those, some of those roads we lay, they really were for y'all.

01:22:45.000 --> 01:22:46.122
That's a great like.

01:22:46.122 --> 01:22:54.219
You know, like, yeah, some, some of those things we did, and you were so mad that, like, how did I end up doing what she did?

01:22:54.219 --> 01:23:00.176
Listen, it was, it was I was simply the vessel, I was just.

01:23:00.176 --> 01:23:08.737
I was just what the Lord used to introduce you and to give you exposure to something that he always intended for you.

01:23:08.737 --> 01:23:23.087
You know, but it's always, it's always so good, like when I look back, you know, and see you know where we all started from, especially me and my sister, where we all started from, and like where we are now.

01:23:23.106 --> 01:23:23.789
I'm just grateful, you know.

01:23:23.789 --> 01:23:39.952
And even when I'm like talking to my younger cousins and like, like when I go to family reunions, I spend a lot of time with the kids, like I'm like, all right, let me bring all your children over to the playground and we're going to have a moment with Jaquita so we can start talking about the family legacy.

01:23:39.952 --> 01:23:42.275
You know, because in my mind it's not.

01:23:42.275 --> 01:23:45.081
I don't think I'm better than anybody, but I'm just like.

01:23:45.081 --> 01:23:57.278
I want them to see like your life is going to be amazing, like I see the potential in everybody and I just want to like, encourage and pour into that which some of my older cousins did for me.

01:23:57.278 --> 01:24:11.735
You don't have to go to college to have been for me, to have thought you were special or that you were amazing and anointed and just an all around like, great person, like and so, um, you know, I was encouraged on my journey and I just want to do the same.

01:24:12.610 --> 01:24:13.493
I'm interested.

01:24:13.493 --> 01:24:25.717
I'm interested and maybe we can end on this one, but I'm interested in how, your relationships with us as sisters because, rhoda, I know I had to fight to get in Rhoda's good graces.

01:24:25.717 --> 01:24:29.461
Okay, rhoda was not feeling me at first, right.

01:24:29.461 --> 01:24:33.855
Okay, Rhoda was not feeling me at first, right, okay, rhoda was like, who is this new person?

01:24:33.855 --> 01:24:35.158
Like, who are these new people?

01:24:35.158 --> 01:24:35.560
What you mean?

01:24:35.560 --> 01:24:36.502
You got friends.

01:24:36.502 --> 01:24:37.511
You don't need friends.

01:24:37.511 --> 01:24:38.172
You got me.

01:24:38.172 --> 01:24:39.194
You know like.

01:24:39.194 --> 01:24:55.100
So I'm interested in like, how, like, because I think both of y'all were like, you know, like, our friends really did like, like, have made an impression like the people, the community that your sister has, like, found herself in.

01:24:55.100 --> 01:25:04.914
I'm interested to know how your relationship with your sister has impacted your view on friendships and relationships and like how that.

01:25:04.914 --> 01:25:21.212
Like how that like kind of evolved for you that like how that like kind of evolved.

01:25:21.231 --> 01:25:21.613
for you that's good.

01:25:21.613 --> 01:25:22.975
I will say my sister's friends have always been.

01:25:22.975 --> 01:25:55.858
I have always liked her friends, like I'm to say now at some points, more than mine, like I've always like, because because I just have always looked up to her like her friends and I know that if Ruth Abigail is calling somebody a friend it's a true friend, and I think that's why I become territorial is because I'm like Whoa okay, hold on on these people are like y'all are really close and how many of y'all crew is it?

01:25:56.037 --> 01:25:58.101
five, five is it?

01:25:58.162 --> 01:26:08.900
five five, okay, um, and I'm like, oh my god, this is a lot and there's a lot of new people for For a minute.

01:26:09.001 --> 01:26:13.212
Rhoda would ask when I would tell Rhoda something, she'd say wait a minute, have you told Jaquita yet?

01:26:13.212 --> 01:26:25.756
Do you and Jaquita know, especially when we were in college and we were roommates and she'd be like I was like you, mean, when I left She'd be like wait, are you telling me before Jaquita?

01:26:29.630 --> 01:26:34.377
She would always say that'm like dude, you need to calm down, no, but and then, and then, to be fair, she didn't.

01:26:34.377 --> 01:26:35.011
She didn't know.

01:26:35.011 --> 01:26:43.889
I knew she's lying, like I know you told Tawita I just want, I just want, she just knew that I wanted to feel the most special and you know, but anyway.

01:26:45.234 --> 01:26:48.034
And so she would tell me no, I haven't told you, you're my first person.

01:26:48.034 --> 01:26:49.198
You're lying, I know, I know.

01:26:49.198 --> 01:26:51.143
Well, I don't know that.

01:26:51.143 --> 01:27:08.860
But I think, like for me, it really taught me to seeing who my sister chose as friends, helped me to see what's that saying Show me your friends and I'll show you your future.

01:27:08.860 --> 01:27:11.350
What's that saying Show me your friends and I'll show you your future.

01:27:11.350 --> 01:27:21.779
And it's like that, for Ruth Abigail has always been very true, you know, whereas for me I would say, ruth Abigail has had more consistent friendships.

01:27:21.779 --> 01:27:39.143
I have had more friendships, just a lot of friends, you know, just like the quantity for me has been more, but the quality for her, over time, has been more substantial.

01:27:39.143 --> 01:27:51.792
And so, like I think, for me I learned from her what quality friendships just by who she chose, what quality friendships just by who she chose.

01:27:51.792 --> 01:28:03.641
You know, and truth be told, like it's like as much as I, you know, in the beginning days, felt whatever you know, territorial, whatever it's like, you're my fave, you're one of my faves.

01:28:04.372 --> 01:28:04.814
Oh, I love you.

01:28:06.470 --> 01:28:06.631
It's.

01:28:06.631 --> 01:28:10.095
You have you also deeply, I feel.

01:28:10.095 --> 01:28:20.332
Even with us not seeing or talking all the time, I do feel like you understand me and know me, and the time that we have spent you really have talked me.

01:28:20.332 --> 01:28:57.938
I've learned of, of being very particular on who you choose to be in your circle, and everybody doesn't doesn't have nor deserve that, that access to you, that access to you, and I think both of you all are very careful who has that access.

01:28:57.938 --> 01:29:12.712
But then it's interesting because I also see both of you all as magnets to people in general, and so y'all know a lot of people but very few people know the ins and outs of you both.

01:29:13.514 --> 01:29:29.233
But you all know the ins and outs of each other but, like y'all, don't give people access to that and I think for me that that has been like a huge piece because I, in a lot of ways I'm very transparent and open and whatever I can be that way, I can also be shut off ways.

01:29:29.233 --> 01:29:31.715
I'm very transparent and open and whatever I can be that way, I can also be shut off.

01:29:31.715 --> 01:29:33.296
But if I'm, you know, it's all or nothing for me.

01:29:33.296 --> 01:29:45.926
But it's like I have learned from both of you and your friendship that everybody doesn't have access to the inner parts of me, nor should I give everyone access to it.

01:29:46.046 --> 01:30:04.510
Wow, that's good, that's good, that's good one of the things, one of the biggest things I've learned from just watching quita and her friends is it's okay to have a sisterly bond with someone other than your sister.

01:30:04.510 --> 01:30:23.070
I use because quita had, like I've always been like I'm the baby, so I'm your little sister, when Queda has younger friends, or like when she worked at the school and she had the young kids who are younger than me and she'd be like, oh, that's my little sister and I'm like, no, I'm your little sister.

01:30:23.070 --> 01:30:40.712
It's interesting because I've learned you can have those sisterly bonds and it doesn't take away from what we have, because I've always thought that is my position I am the baby sister, I am her sister, I'm her only blood sister.

01:30:40.712 --> 01:30:46.020
We all we got it's okay to have those sisterly bonds.

01:30:46.020 --> 01:30:49.317
Like the friendships I have now don't feel like friendships.

01:30:49.317 --> 01:30:52.055
They feel like extended family because they're sisters.

01:30:52.055 --> 01:31:03.171
I'm protective over them because technically one group I'm the baby in that and I'm still protective over them, like I am Cuida, cuida gonna get first because that blue.

01:31:04.573 --> 01:31:11.463
But I really learned that you can just see that their friendship is deeper than that.

01:31:11.463 --> 01:31:21.560
Yeah, it really is a sisterhood of traveling pants and just to see that, okay, it's okay to have that.

01:31:21.560 --> 01:31:34.113
And that doesn't take away from me and Queda, because one of the things that I've noticed is when we get together, it's like we're teenagers again, it don't matter how old we get.

01:31:34.113 --> 01:31:43.014
We still cut up, we still fuss, we still bicker, we still get on our mama's nerves, just like we teenagers.

01:31:43.014 --> 01:31:47.759
And I know that it's a safe place.

01:31:47.759 --> 01:31:57.601
I can have those multiple safe places, just like Queda does with all of her friends and that I've especially seen with her, with you, ruth, abigail.

01:31:57.601 --> 01:32:00.537
You can see that it's a safe space.

01:32:00.537 --> 01:32:05.878
Even if she didn't want to take that burger from y'all, she took it because it was a safe space.

01:32:06.279 --> 01:32:13.360
It took a minute, I know, but I can have multiple safe spaces.

01:32:14.211 --> 01:32:16.038
That's really good, that's really good.

01:32:16.038 --> 01:32:20.220
I think that's really an important thing for people to unlearn.

01:32:20.220 --> 01:32:25.055
Like is that you can have multiple safe spaces, like it is possible.

01:32:26.189 --> 01:32:59.351
It's necessary to build them up and you have to put in work and, rhoda, like you said, that quality factor which I think a lot of times the quality it's hard to have, a lot of quality it's hard for both of those things to be high quantity and quality, like it's just too taxing, it's too exhausting, right, and so it's like you know so, but you can have um multiple safe spaces that are that you deeply treasure and that you know you can both grow in, and um, yeah, like that's, that's real, that's really good.

01:32:59.351 --> 01:33:04.037
Um y'all okay, all right.

01:33:04.037 --> 01:33:09.824
Yo, that was awesome good guys, I will say I didn't expect to be counseled so much I didn't.

01:33:09.824 --> 01:33:15.881
But y'all, I know, you know, I know we should have known we were asking on here.

01:33:15.900 --> 01:33:28.297
They both are into the camp y'all are kind of rhoda's not licensed, but I mean she could be like as far as counseling is concerned, anybody who works in the school system it's crazy.

01:33:28.318 --> 01:33:32.497
Crazy, though, veve, because I'm not licensed at all and I'm not a psychologist.

01:33:32.990 --> 01:33:34.698
But I majored in psychology.

01:33:34.951 --> 01:33:36.036
It was one of my majors.

01:33:36.036 --> 01:33:37.239
It's crazy.

01:33:37.239 --> 01:33:39.716
I was actually making the connection.

01:33:39.716 --> 01:33:42.036
It absolutely shows.

01:33:44.470 --> 01:33:46.096
Yeah man, this was good.

01:33:46.096 --> 01:33:48.074
Thank y'all for being on the show.

01:33:48.074 --> 01:33:49.740
That was awesome, this was fun.

01:33:49.740 --> 01:33:50.103
This was good.

01:33:50.122 --> 01:33:50.985
Thank y'all for being on the show.

01:33:51.006 --> 01:33:51.488
That was awesome.

01:33:51.488 --> 01:33:52.109
This was fun.

01:33:53.193 --> 01:33:55.636
My favorite person on the show.

01:33:55.636 --> 01:33:57.715
That's amazing.

01:33:59.731 --> 01:34:01.317
One of my favorite people on the show.

01:34:01.317 --> 01:34:01.859
I'm just kidding.

01:34:05.537 --> 01:34:11.751
Listen, one thing I will say if ain't nobody else got my back I know my sister got my back- that's just the truth.

01:34:11.971 --> 01:34:13.555
So, yeah, so, don't, don't play with it.

01:34:13.694 --> 01:34:27.300
Yeah, these two, these two will cut, cut you up no, like, literally, like me and ruth abigail may not, may not say nothing, do nothing, but don't like, like I said, earlier, if you didn't hear.

01:34:27.801 --> 01:34:28.684
It really is crazy.

01:34:28.684 --> 01:34:30.369
And look, and she's not.

01:34:30.369 --> 01:34:35.121
She's not even if you, if I bring, if I bring up you know certain people in conversation.

01:34:35.121 --> 01:34:36.332
She's like I don't what.

01:34:36.551 --> 01:34:54.011
Do you still talk to them like okay, I am, I am over it they still has beef with someone from high school, someone from high school that I'm like oh, oh, yeah, I'm cool with them now They'll never be cool, and this person has no clue.

01:34:54.011 --> 01:34:56.018
They have no clue that they got beef with me.

01:34:56.018 --> 01:34:56.498
Not at all.

01:34:56.819 --> 01:34:57.320
Not at all.

01:34:57.320 --> 01:35:02.538
It is wild, but thank y'all for being our protectors.

01:35:02.538 --> 01:35:04.255
We appreciate that.

01:35:04.255 --> 01:35:07.305
We love y'all.

01:35:07.948 --> 01:35:09.011
We want to return this.

01:35:09.011 --> 01:35:10.859
Can y'all start doing it for us as well?

01:35:10.859 --> 01:35:12.213
Thank you.

01:35:14.854 --> 01:35:15.917
I fulfilled my role.

01:35:15.917 --> 01:35:16.860
My job is done.

01:35:16.860 --> 01:35:23.804
I feel like what we have shown on the show today is that, like, who you are is a gift.

01:35:23.824 --> 01:35:33.609
Alright, yeah no, so we always forget to say this at the beginning.

01:35:33.609 --> 01:35:43.380
But but like share subscribe and comment we, we.

01:35:43.399 --> 01:35:49.997
Let me tell you something I like this past over thanksgiving, so many family members, so many friends came up to me.

01:35:49.997 --> 01:35:58.158
I was like yo, man, I've been watching the podcast, like they randomly throwing out facts and stuff and like, yeah, I really like what you said, this, this and that.

01:35:58.158 --> 01:36:03.497
And I'm like this person has not like not one coming Yo shout out to my granddaddy.

01:36:03.497 --> 01:36:11.172
My granddaddy said he'd be watching the podcast, man, and that made my whole world, that made my whole day.

01:36:11.172 --> 01:36:15.619
But listen, we need y'all to engage, man, you know, listen.

01:36:17.904 --> 01:36:19.292
Don't just let us know you listen.

01:36:19.292 --> 01:36:20.096
Let the world know.

01:36:20.096 --> 01:36:23.444
Let the world know you know what I'm saying.

01:36:23.725 --> 01:36:26.317
Let them know, let the world know it's hilarious.

01:36:27.110 --> 01:36:28.216
Don't keep it to yourself.

01:36:28.216 --> 01:36:29.832
Ruth Abbey.

01:36:29.832 --> 01:36:32.055
I don't know if you heard of but somebody at our.

01:36:32.055 --> 01:36:38.296
Thanksgiving, not this year but this year they were like Ruth Abigail.

01:36:38.296 --> 01:36:40.717
Tell them they need to unlearn that.

01:36:40.717 --> 01:36:42.356
They need to unlearn that.

01:36:46.971 --> 01:36:53.668
Now, that's a t-shirt, it's comingshirt, it's coming, it's coming merch on the way.

01:36:55.054 --> 01:36:57.662
More publicity on the way it's coming.

01:36:57.662 --> 01:37:03.229
Y'all do know me and Ruth live in different states, so you know we be sacrificing for y'all.

01:37:03.329 --> 01:37:08.729
We love y'all alright, so if you made it to the end of the episode.

01:37:08.729 --> 01:37:23.396
Thank you for listening and, as always, let us keep unlearning together so that we can all experience more freedom, and we will see y'all next week.

01:37:23.396 --> 01:37:26.002
Peace, peace.

01:37:26.002 --> 01:37:31.430
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:37:31.430 --> 01:37:35.841
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:37:35.841 --> 01:37:42.582
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:37:42.582 --> 01:37:48.962
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:37:48.962 --> 01:37:49.863
See you then.