Feb. 18, 2025
Talks With Middle Adults: Grieving IS Living
The episode dives deeply into the complexities of grief and loss, featuring insights from Joinne Chandler, author of "Life After Loss." Listeners are encouraged to embrace their emotions and understand that grieving is a personal and ongoing journey.
• Importance of asking for help during grief
• Unlearning the perception that grief has a timeline
• Navigating uncomfortable conversations about loss
• Exploring cultural reflections on grieving
• Honoring the journey of grief without rushing
• The significance of being a safe space for grief
• Understanding coping mechanisms in grief
• Biblical insights on navigating loss and healing
• Encouraging freedom in processing emotions
Joinne invites listeners to order her book "Life After Loss" found on Amazon or other platforms, emphasizing its utility in processing grief through a faith-based lens.
Chapters
00:05 - Grieving and Healing Through Loss
09:00 - Navigating the Process of Grief
14:39 - Navigating Death and Grief With Comfort
30:52 - Navigating Grief and Coping Strategies
Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:05.107 --> 00:00:06.169
yo, yo yo.
00:00:06.169 --> 00:00:11.005
What's up everybody and welcome once again to the un-blurt podcast.
00:00:11.005 --> 00:00:13.512
I am your host, ruth abigail aka ra.
00:00:13.512 --> 00:00:24.248
What's up, friends, it's your girl, jaquita yo, and this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom.
00:00:24.248 --> 00:00:36.743
And we have a special guest in the building Me and Jaquita's very, very close Best friend, john, a Chandler in the building.
00:00:36.804 --> 00:00:44.218
Everybody, john, look is what I call it.
00:00:45.063 --> 00:00:48.182
We will basically be referring to her as nene from here on out, just so you know.
00:00:48.182 --> 00:00:52.192
Um, but uh, but yeah, we have known each other.
00:00:52.192 --> 00:00:53.482
We've all known each other for about 20 years.
00:00:53.482 --> 00:00:54.826
We were talking about that before we got on.
00:00:54.826 --> 00:00:56.643
We don't like saying it more than once, so that'll be it.
00:00:56.643 --> 00:00:58.509
Oh, yep, no more.
00:00:58.509 --> 00:01:23.751
That's it, um, but uh, this amazing woman has written a book, um, and it is called Life After Loss, and, as you know that, we are, in our series, talking about the kitchen table and the things that we've had to unlearn from our kitchen table, which means things that we had to unlearn from growing up, around our family, community or society, and so we actually are going to talk about something that is tough.
00:01:23.751 --> 00:01:25.626
Right, that's hard for a lot of people.
00:01:25.626 --> 00:01:29.310
We want to talk about what we've unlearned from our kitchen table around grief, loss and death.
00:01:29.310 --> 00:01:36.885
And so, ja'nae, welcome to the podcast, and we're so happy to see you.
00:01:38.108 --> 00:01:39.132
Thank you, thank you.
00:01:39.132 --> 00:01:44.185
I'm a huge fan of the Unlearned podcast, so it's such an honor.
00:01:44.224 --> 00:01:45.471
You don't have a choice.
00:01:47.941 --> 00:01:49.384
It's such an honor to be on here with my sister.
00:01:49.444 --> 00:01:50.867
Yeah, man, we really are family y'all.
00:01:50.867 --> 00:01:51.368
It's crazy.
00:01:51.368 --> 00:01:52.611
We're family for real.
00:01:52.611 --> 00:01:54.121
We really are like for real.
00:01:54.724 --> 00:02:02.765
Um, if y'all would remember I think I spoke on a previous podcast about the wonderful friend who let me sleep on her couch for you oh, that that's good to know, sir.
00:02:02.765 --> 00:02:04.066
That's so good.
00:02:04.066 --> 00:02:06.310
Oh, listen, you know I'm going to make her look real good.
00:02:06.310 --> 00:02:08.052
Okay, I owe her.
00:02:08.052 --> 00:02:14.288
I owe her a year of my life because, uh, she provided for me in the time of need, come on.
00:02:14.288 --> 00:02:16.454
So forever grateful to Jhene.
00:02:16.900 --> 00:02:20.287
It was a mutual beneficial arrangement.
00:02:20.287 --> 00:02:22.451
She prepared me for marriage.
00:02:22.451 --> 00:02:23.213
It was all good.
00:02:23.861 --> 00:02:25.568
I really did, I really did.
00:02:26.040 --> 00:02:26.924
Oh, that's amazing.
00:02:26.924 --> 00:02:27.526
I love it.
00:02:27.526 --> 00:02:35.173
Ja'nae, why don't you start off by telling us a little bit about who you are and what brought you to writing this book?
00:02:35.173 --> 00:02:35.753
Why'd you write the book?
00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:48.936
Yes, so I am Ja'Nae Chandler, author of Life After Loss 30 Days of Hope for Moms Grieving After Miscarriage, and I am a mom.
00:02:48.936 --> 00:02:56.026
I have three earthly kids, one heavenly child named Ohio.
00:02:56.026 --> 00:02:57.567
I'm married to Emanuel Chandler.
00:02:57.567 --> 00:03:12.264
He's amazing.
00:03:12.264 --> 00:03:13.286
I love him so much.
00:03:14.288 --> 00:03:37.508
And what prompted me to write the book was I was going through my own miscarriage journey, my own grief and healing journey, and there were not a lot of resources, there were not a ton that were biblically based and that really resonated with me, definitely not a lot for Black women.
00:03:38.039 --> 00:03:52.979
And so on my drive, I think I was taking Isaiah to school, to daycare, and I just heard God say life after loss, and he started showing me different women in the Bible who experienced grief.
00:03:52.979 --> 00:03:57.372
We don't hear like a ton about women in the Bible all the time.
00:03:57.372 --> 00:04:05.854
They kind of play supporting actors, if you will, to main characters many times in the Bible.
00:04:05.854 --> 00:04:12.954
And so God, just the Lord, began just showing me different women in the Bible who experienced grief and loss.
00:04:12.954 --> 00:04:26.189
There's Hannah, who is one that's really known for infertility, and Mary, the mother of Jesus, who lost her son, and Rahab, who experienced loss.
00:04:26.189 --> 00:04:28.353
She was shunned from society.
00:04:28.353 --> 00:04:31.045
And it goes on and on.
00:04:31.045 --> 00:04:42.540
And so I began to draw strength and healing from their stories, and I've captured those in Life After Loss, along with my personal reflections to scriptures and prayers.
00:04:42.540 --> 00:04:43.442
It's beautiful.
00:04:44.285 --> 00:04:45.005
That's awesome.
00:04:45.005 --> 00:04:49.403
Um, I so this is going to be more of a conversation.
00:04:49.403 --> 00:05:02.189
So, just in case you want to, we're not going to interview really Jhane like we're going to talk and like we're going to all kind of share some things we've had to unlearn, um, around grief, loss and death and so, um, yeah, so let's just.
00:05:02.189 --> 00:05:11.689
I mean, I would love to hear you know from you, janay, like why don't you kick us off by what is something you've had, what is something that you've unlearned as a result of going through that process?
00:05:11.689 --> 00:05:15.288
And, yeah, and how does how has it become more free?
00:05:15.288 --> 00:05:19.791
Because I think the idea of life is, when I think about that, it's freedom is wrapped into that.
00:05:19.791 --> 00:05:27.112
Like you can be free after a loss that deeply, and so, like, what's something you've had to unlearn in order to become more free?
00:05:33.199 --> 00:05:33.980
I think one of the things.
00:05:33.980 --> 00:05:35.281
I've had to unlearn is not asking for help.
00:05:35.281 --> 00:05:51.810
So anytime you go through grief and loss, I think there's a tendency I'll speak for myself to kind of implode or kind of retreat and naturally I'm an introvert anyway.
00:05:51.810 --> 00:06:01.795
So to kind of retreat and to go to myself and process my feelings and emotions by myself.
00:06:01.795 --> 00:06:05.317
And I really had to unlearn that.
00:06:05.317 --> 00:06:07.577
I had a good friend of ours.
00:06:07.577 --> 00:06:13.415
Her name is Erica called me every day for like two weeks and I was so annoyed initially by it.
00:06:13.475 --> 00:06:18.089
Cause I'm like asking me to express my feelings.
00:06:18.471 --> 00:06:19.533
That's hilarious.
00:06:19.533 --> 00:06:22.348
But she like purpose to.
00:06:22.348 --> 00:06:33.620
She purposed to call me like multiple times a day, at least once a day, and check in and be like how are you feeling today, what are you thinking about?
00:06:33.620 --> 00:06:42.314
And I didn't like that exercise and process, but it really did help me to begin healing.
00:06:42.314 --> 00:06:52.105
I learned that I'm more of a heal, someone that has delayed grief, like where grief doesn't hit you right away.
00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:53.161
And so.
00:06:54.064 --> 00:07:08.612
I again have the tendency to kind of bottle things up inside, and so having that person to like constantly check in and make me put emotions and feelings to what I was experiencing really was freedom for me.
00:07:08.612 --> 00:07:18.454
It helped me to kind of get things off my chest and to not carry that load by myself and grieve alone.
00:07:20.341 --> 00:07:21.526
Yeah, I think I'm a little like that.
00:07:21.526 --> 00:07:22.946
I don't like to express my feelings.
00:07:26.040 --> 00:07:27.062
Yeah, I don't like it.
00:07:27.062 --> 00:07:29.269
They're not my favorite thing to talk about.
00:07:29.369 --> 00:07:30.771
It's tough, like I don't.
00:07:30.771 --> 00:08:00.266
I think, you know, I kind of broke that barrier, at least in me and Ty's relationship not too long ago, where he saw me cry for the first time and we've been together for four years and so and he had never seen me like that but it's, I couldn't contain it anymore, like it was like what was happening on me, I could not and I just and I just released it and it was, but it was such a healing moment for us and he was like I appreciate this so much, like I feel like this was.
00:08:00.266 --> 00:08:06.934
You know, I never want you to feel like you can't break in front of me and I was like you don't want to, I don't want to break in front of nobody.
00:08:07.795 --> 00:08:08.875
Like no, for real.
00:08:08.875 --> 00:08:15.132
Like I shared a room with Ruth Abigail and, I think, for four years, well for three.
00:08:15.132 --> 00:08:18.485
And I don't know, I don't know that.
00:08:18.485 --> 00:08:21.290
I feel like I may have heard a sniffle once.
00:08:21.310 --> 00:08:38.962
You know like, yeah, I think she would intentionally wait for me to leave the room oh for sure, like there was no way, but like that was, but it was freeing, because then it was like I needed to be to get to the breaking point in order to believe that somebody could handle my breaking point.
00:08:39.624 --> 00:08:57.966
Because I think that was, that was part of the problem yeah, I think we oftentimes need a safe place to land our emotions, yeah, and our feelings and our grief too, like our grief has to have a safe place to land yeah, no that's really good, I think, for me.
00:08:58.488 --> 00:09:00.610
I always had.
00:09:00.610 --> 00:09:05.328
I felt like I had to unlearn the idea that grief was something that you just get over.
00:09:05.328 --> 00:09:07.823
You might feel it.
00:09:07.823 --> 00:09:10.571
You know, like they all say at the funeral, did you release?
00:09:13.062 --> 00:09:34.544
As if, like, I'm going to release one time and then I'm going to be excellent from here on out, because I released the grief and I think that, like, I had to unlearn the idea that grief is not something that you have to walk through and process through and that there won't always be that, that that sense of loss there.
00:09:34.865 --> 00:09:38.212
Like you don't, you don't feel the loss with something else.
00:09:38.212 --> 00:09:42.910
You, you know your life may get bigger around the loss, but it's still there.
00:09:42.910 --> 00:09:47.864
May get bigger around the loss, but it's still there.
00:09:47.864 --> 00:09:58.000
And so I think that I had to, I had to unlearn the idea that, like, all right, I'm going to feel this for a little bit and then we're going to be just fine, right, and learning, learning how to just really live with it and live in it.
00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:11.076
And I think, I think grieving, the process of grieving is grieving is really getting you to a place where you can be okay with the loss.
00:10:11.076 --> 00:10:21.544
Because I don't think that, and I think that I don't think we give people enough time to not be okay as well, absolutely yeah, and we oftentimes don't know what to do when they're not okay.
00:10:21.725 --> 00:11:05.384
Or to say, yeah, I remember I had a friend who lost her father and she's like a really good friend, she's like a sister to me, and I'll never forget the sound I heard when she told me it's just, it's so uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of that, like if you are the safe place where someone trusts you enough to share their grief or loss journey with you, it naturally we as humans want to kind of rush it along, fill the space with sounds or words or, you know, be like it's going to be okay.
00:11:05.384 --> 00:11:08.562
And I just went to a funeral A dear friend of mine.
00:11:08.562 --> 00:11:23.042
Her mom passed away suddenly and at the funeral her cousins kept saying it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay, you're going to be okay, she's like no, I'm not Stop saying that.
00:11:23.042 --> 00:11:51.466
And I think that we, like you were saying Jaquita want to rush grief, think that grief has a time limit because it doesn't Like.
00:11:51.505 --> 00:12:02.850
Mary, the mother of Jesus, watched her son be crucified and the first thing he did, jesus did when he was on the cross, was gave Mary a safe place to land her grief.
00:12:02.850 --> 00:12:06.927
She said son, behold your mother, mother, behold your son.
00:12:06.927 --> 00:12:22.313
And she entrusted John to like walk with her on her grief journey, and so we have to be okay, like you both are saying, not rushing people through their healing journey.
00:12:24.981 --> 00:12:29.465
You don't know when it's going to hit, you don't know when your response is going to.
00:12:29.465 --> 00:12:37.475
You know it's not a controllable thing and I like what you said, janaye it's cyclical, like it's seasonal, right?
00:12:37.475 --> 00:12:49.023
I have a team member who lost her mom to cancer and she, you know, there was a time not too long, like she was, like you know, it's my mom's birthday.
00:12:49.023 --> 00:12:51.168
We're gonna go to the gravesite.
00:12:51.168 --> 00:12:55.687
I may or may not be there for staff meeting, I don't know how I'm gonna be cool, no problem, right?
00:12:55.687 --> 00:12:58.120
I totally understand that that kind of.
00:12:58.721 --> 00:13:18.323
But understanding how to, how to manage your um movements with people in that moment, in those moments it is, can be challenging because you don't always know, you don't always know what to do, and I think that that is.
00:13:18.323 --> 00:13:38.594
I think it's really important to allow people the space, like you said, I think one of you said I can't remember who was but the space to, like you said, I think one of you said I can't remember who it was but the space to do this in the timing that they need to do it Right, like and, and not not rush it or or or, because ultimately we're uncomfortable with it.
00:13:38.594 --> 00:13:43.951
It's like you know, I don't know what to do with this, so I'm going to push my discomfort onto you.
00:13:44.480 --> 00:13:45.403
And I don't like how it feels.
00:13:45.484 --> 00:13:48.384
I don't like how it feels to me, and so it must not feel good to you.
00:13:48.384 --> 00:13:49.827
So let's both get out of this.
00:13:49.827 --> 00:13:50.910
It's like no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:13:50.910 --> 00:13:54.126
We have to allow other people to do what they do.
00:13:54.126 --> 00:13:56.130
When they do it, and be there.
00:13:56.130 --> 00:14:01.164
It's like that's really the most important thing is just to be there, yeah.
00:14:01.426 --> 00:14:03.989
Just sit there Like space and grace.
00:14:03.989 --> 00:14:12.479
Give people space and grace to process it how they need to and to not try to fix it.
00:14:12.479 --> 00:14:14.504
Yeah, not try to fix it, which is hard to do.
00:14:14.504 --> 00:14:38.956
When you said that it can come at any moment, that reminded me I wrote about this in the book, but it was a few months after I had a DNC procedure and the like health systems support group called me for, like, perinatal loss to tell me that they had support groups if I needed one.
00:14:39.037 --> 00:14:49.490
I was on my way to a dentist appointment and it's humorous how I write it but it wasn't humorous at the time but they caught me.
00:14:49.490 --> 00:14:58.671
I was like turning the corner into the dentist's office and they were like this is Tri-Health calling from our support group for infant loss.
00:14:58.671 --> 00:15:01.062
If you're interested, how are you doing?
00:15:01.062 --> 00:15:02.785
They asked me how I was doing.
00:15:02.785 --> 00:15:15.222
I was like I'm actually doing pretty well, so hung up the phone, go into the dentist.
00:15:15.222 --> 00:15:15.703
This is during COVID.
00:15:15.703 --> 00:15:26.643
So they are making me like rinse my mouth out with hydrogen peroxide, probably like 15 minutes later after the call, 20 minutes later, I'm sitting in the dentist chair and the lady asked me to like swish my mouth out with peroxide.
00:15:26.643 --> 00:15:35.849
So I don't give her COVID and I do that, and then the tears just start coming like uncontrollably.
00:15:35.849 --> 00:15:39.320
She's like I've never seen someone have this reaction.
00:15:45.171 --> 00:15:47.514
I was like she's like are you okay?
00:15:47.514 --> 00:15:51.466
I was like no, I'm not okay, I just lost my baby.
00:15:51.466 --> 00:15:54.460
And she's like I am so sorry.
00:15:54.460 --> 00:16:04.465
And so the thing about infant loss is like your hormones in your body still feels like you're pregnant and so everything about that appointment was horrible.
00:16:04.465 --> 00:16:09.514
Like because your gums are sensitive when you're pregnant, and so everything about that appointment was horrible.
00:16:09.514 --> 00:16:11.658
Like cause your gums are sensitive when you're pregnant, all that kind of stuff.
00:16:11.658 --> 00:16:23.344
But that one call, kind of in the moment I was okay, but like 20 minutes later I wasn't, and so grief happens that way too.
00:16:23.344 --> 00:16:23.846
Like you can totally not.
00:16:23.846 --> 00:16:30.490
Someone may have asked you something a while ago, and then it hits you like what they asked you later, and you're like I literally all I could do is let the tears fall.
00:16:30.490 --> 00:16:32.687
I literally couldn't stop them.
00:16:32.687 --> 00:16:35.749
And I think that's what we have to do to heal.
00:16:35.749 --> 00:16:37.826
We have to go through the process.
00:16:37.866 --> 00:16:45.610
Yeah, got to go through the process and I think, like you said, let me, let me.
00:16:45.610 --> 00:16:50.009
Let me, let me say this, let me ask this question Uh, what, how old were y'all when you first went to your first funeral?
00:16:50.009 --> 00:16:51.475
I'm curious.
00:16:55.303 --> 00:17:04.234
I think you know I think about this a lot because I actually have a pretty young family and so growing up there weren't a lot of funerals.
00:17:04.234 --> 00:17:14.363
It wasn't until I hit maybe my late teens that, like my great aunts and uncles started passing and it was just kind of like a.
00:17:14.363 --> 00:17:22.315
It was a very strange phenomenon by then because they were happening so infrequently that like it really kind of shook us.
00:17:22.315 --> 00:17:31.076
And I will tell you, the first funeral that I really remembered and had like a lot of feelings about was my great auntie.
00:17:31.076 --> 00:17:34.871
She was like big mama, everybody's big mama.
00:17:34.871 --> 00:17:37.839
Even she was my grandma, because my grandma is the second youngest of nine kids and my auntie was the oldest.
00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:40.781
She was my grandma's big mama even she was my grandma because my grandma is the second youngest of nine kids and my aunt reed was the oldest.
00:17:40.781 --> 00:17:43.368
She was my grandma's big mama almost.
00:17:43.368 --> 00:17:45.766
You know, like she was just everybody's person.
00:17:46.407 --> 00:17:56.886
And when she passed I think that was the first time that like a funeral like broke me like and I was like, oh my gosh, like'm never going to see her again.
00:17:56.886 --> 00:18:11.742
And I remember being deeply moved at that funeral just hearing the stories people were telling about her and stuff I didn't know she was doing and I also left that funeral with a charge, like I was, like I have to.
00:18:11.742 --> 00:18:17.593
Her life has to continue on through me in whatever ways, like parts of her in me.
00:18:17.593 --> 00:18:20.928
I have to make sure that I'm carrying her story forward.
00:18:20.928 --> 00:18:23.336
Um, but that's the.
00:18:23.336 --> 00:18:26.707
That's the first one that really set with me and I think I was in college when that happened.
00:18:26.707 --> 00:18:27.910
I think I was around 20.
00:18:27.910 --> 00:18:29.121
Yeah, okay.
00:18:29.840 --> 00:18:31.502
Yeah, I think I was older too.
00:18:31.502 --> 00:18:46.517
Fortunately I haven't had a ton of people in my family to pass away and, like I've lost grandparents, that's probably the closest.
00:18:46.517 --> 00:18:51.005
I've lost three grandparents, that's the closest.
00:18:51.005 --> 00:19:00.825
That like has been super close to me and it's all been, I feel like in my adult years.
00:19:00.825 --> 00:19:02.996
So I don't, I don't recall going to attend a funerals when I was younger.
00:19:03.859 --> 00:19:05.643
Yeah, that's what I find.
00:19:05.643 --> 00:19:10.592
I asked that because you know I find that.
00:19:10.592 --> 00:19:14.892
So we grew up in a church that was, I mean you, everybody supported everything.
00:19:14.892 --> 00:19:17.482
I mean our church community was very tight.
00:19:20.740 --> 00:19:27.646
And your dad was a pastor, so I'm sure you yeah, well, yeah but even before that, right Like that, before he was a pastor, just he was a minister or whatever.
00:19:27.646 --> 00:19:40.009
But the church that I grew up in, from, like my childhood, before my teenage years, you know it was a pretty medium-sized church, 600, 700 people members, whatever.
00:19:40.009 --> 00:19:48.028
But the pastor was a very strong leader and where he went the people followed.
00:19:48.028 --> 00:19:53.667
I say that to say I started going to funerals probably before I was 10.
00:19:53.667 --> 00:20:09.284
But from people that I didn't even really know that well, because somebody passed, everybody went, it wasn't just the family you went like and so and I we had some early deaths in my family.
00:20:09.284 --> 00:20:17.365
I had some cousins that had some physical disabilities that passed early on, and so those things happened.
00:20:17.886 --> 00:20:47.019
But I think one of the things I have had to unlearn is that, because of my experience, a lot of people are not as comfortable with death as I feel like I grew up with and it's like just because it's like, and also I grew up in a church and you know, on top of my parents that are highly, very theologically and doctrinally like sound.
00:20:47.019 --> 00:20:50.410
That's a core, that was a core thing of us growing up.
00:20:50.410 --> 00:21:07.191
Death, from the way that I interpreted as a child was um, you know, it wasn't that grief wasn't important, but that grief it was natural.
00:21:07.211 --> 00:21:13.145
Well, it was it, it, it was natural, but it was more so like but the word of God remains true.
00:21:13.145 --> 00:21:15.730
It was always that, it was always.
00:21:15.730 --> 00:21:17.393
The word of God is above the grief.
00:21:17.393 --> 00:21:22.407
The word of God is, is, is, is, trumps the grief, right Um death, we don't.
00:21:22.407 --> 00:21:22.848
We don't.
00:21:22.848 --> 00:21:29.531
We don't grieve as people who don't know what's true, right Like that, have no hope, right, thank you, cause you know my script.
00:21:29.799 --> 00:21:38.295
It was a little off, um, but that was the way I thought about death and it was just like okay, we're going to cry, kind of what you said.
00:21:38.295 --> 00:21:45.425
We're going to cry, we're going to release, we're going to move on Because we know the truth and this is just part of life, right?
00:21:45.425 --> 00:21:46.587
On one hand, I'm grateful for that.
00:21:46.587 --> 00:21:53.463
On the other hand, I realized that it stunted my, I think, emotional growth and health around loss.
00:21:53.463 --> 00:22:22.359
I think emotional growth and health around loss because I don't think I learned how to grieve properly, because we were very much a move forward kind of mentality, right, we're going to keep moving, and so much like it was so ingrained in our conversations early on, like my early teenage years, my father, when he would go, he would travel a lot when he would go he would send.
00:22:22.460 --> 00:22:31.162
I remember it was before I left home, so it was pre-18 that he sent me the insurance information in case he was.
00:22:31.162 --> 00:22:33.909
It was like, if something happens, this is what you got to do.
00:22:33.909 --> 00:22:35.923
This is before I graduated high school.
00:22:35.923 --> 00:22:39.673
He still send a text with all the information, right.
00:22:39.673 --> 00:22:43.805
He has sent me and I'm the oldest, so he does this for me the most.
00:22:43.805 --> 00:22:52.652
He sent me the the way he wanted his funeral, right, the people he wanted to speak, the songs he wanted, sung the way he wanted.
00:22:52.652 --> 00:22:52.912
The bit.
00:22:52.912 --> 00:22:53.621
I'm all of it.
00:22:53.621 --> 00:22:54.703
I have it.
00:22:54.703 --> 00:23:07.354
I could tell you what it is, but I've been hearing it for years, right, and so it's like it's just always been in front of me, right, and again, on some level.
00:23:07.354 --> 00:23:16.209
I'm grateful for that because it is an emotional preparation for what is inevitable, but on the other hand, I never want to be callous to it.
00:23:16.269 --> 00:23:16.790
You know what I'm saying.
00:23:16.790 --> 00:23:19.647
Like, I feel like I built up a little bit of a callousness.
00:23:19.647 --> 00:23:20.329
You know what I'm saying?
00:23:20.329 --> 00:23:23.127
Yeah, but also I realized that, hey, that's not normal.
00:23:26.721 --> 00:23:27.944
I wouldn't say that it is.
00:23:28.046 --> 00:23:56.542
I mean you're prepared, we can call you, Be like what are we supposed to do For real, like that's, I mean, but they did that, but I think it's, it is also um, I've also had to learn how to sit with people in a way that was uh honoring of what they needed to go through, even though it wasn't something that I fully understood, I love that, yeah, yeah, I mean that's the positive of it for sure yeah, yeah, yeah.
00:23:57.044 --> 00:24:18.655
I think that I don't know if this is cultural or if this is just like a lot of people's experience, but I think that when you, I think that we are taught culturally, like sometimes, as black women especially, we are taught to just push through it, like you got other things to worry about.
00:24:18.717 --> 00:24:44.875
You got other things that you know need your immediate attention and grief can sometimes feel like a luxury that we don't always have the time and the energy to really put into it's, I can sit here and grieve and I think if you look at at, there are examples of people that you may know who really got overtaken by their grief and it stopped them.
00:24:44.875 --> 00:24:50.861
And it not only stopped them, it also stops the people that they're attached to, right?
00:24:50.861 --> 00:25:03.241
And I think that a lot of times we try to like not be, though, we try to not get stuck in those moments, but you do have to give yourself time to process.
00:25:03.241 --> 00:25:09.794
I think that that's something that I learned by watching friends go through grief and grieving moments.
00:25:09.794 --> 00:25:50.251
I've had a few friends now that have lost parents, which was really, really, you know, it was shocking to me, even as a friend, but it immediately was like, okay, how are we going to surround this person or be there for, be there for that person, in a way, like I'm not going to be able to take the place of that person, but I, like John they said, learning to be a safe place can be an exploration, right, and I think one thing that I have kind of like, like titled myself as like my friend's grief partner, is that I'm going to be the person that they can have the honest conversation with.
00:25:50.251 --> 00:26:04.614
Like I'm going to ask the questions that, like, other people may not be asking because they're trying to tiptoe around things, you know, but I feel like I have learned to have really good one on one conversations with people.
00:26:04.680 --> 00:26:07.505
Now, the part that always gets me is that home visit.
00:26:07.505 --> 00:26:16.619
You know, like after someone has passed and everybody goes to the house, that that's always the part that's like all right, all right, I bought some chicken.
00:26:16.619 --> 00:26:21.439
That's always the part that's like all right, all right, I bought some chicken.
00:26:21.439 --> 00:26:21.759
You know I'm not.
00:26:21.759 --> 00:26:25.009
You know I'm going to sit there and I'm going to try to find the moment and get in the rhythm.
00:26:25.009 --> 00:26:26.866
But those moments change a lot.
00:26:26.866 --> 00:26:33.541
But I think if you learn how to have those like, your friendship with that person has not changed.
00:26:33.541 --> 00:26:38.701
You know, like you can still be the same friend that you've already learned to be to that person.
00:26:38.981 --> 00:26:47.875
But a lot of times after, after a loss, people switch up, you know, and they they either become like the hey, I got five scriptures for you right now.
00:26:47.875 --> 00:26:49.480
I got them locked and loaded.
00:26:49.480 --> 00:26:52.204
Okay, you know they, they took on that.
00:26:52.204 --> 00:26:54.950
They took off that old man and put on that new one.
00:26:54.950 --> 00:26:58.741
All right, they got on that white robe with a crown, you know.
00:26:58.741 --> 00:27:02.423
And so, like you know, they up there when the streets are growing, they wouldn't want to be here.
00:27:03.125 --> 00:27:04.007
What do you mean?
00:27:04.007 --> 00:27:08.867
What are we talking about right now?
00:27:12.340 --> 00:27:15.747
But I think that those things have their place right.
00:00:05.107 --> 00:00:06.169
00:00:06.169 --> 00:00:11.005
00:00:11.005 --> 00:00:13.512
00:00:13.512 --> 00:00:24.248
00:00:24.248 --> 00:00:36.743
00:00:36.804 --> 00:00:44.218
00:00:45.063 --> 00:00:48.182
00:00:48.182 --> 00:00:52.192
00:00:52.192 --> 00:00:53.482
00:00:53.482 --> 00:00:54.826
00:00:54.826 --> 00:00:56.643
00:00:56.643 --> 00:00:58.509
00:00:58.509 --> 00:01:23.751
00:01:23.751 --> 00:01:25.626
00:01:25.626 --> 00:01:29.310
00:01:29.310 --> 00:01:36.885
00:01:38.108 --> 00:01:39.132
00:01:39.132 --> 00:01:44.185
00:01:44.224 --> 00:01:45.471
00:01:47.941 --> 00:01:49.384
00:01:49.444 --> 00:01:50.867
00:01:50.867 --> 00:01:51.368
00:01:51.368 --> 00:01:52.611
00:01:52.611 --> 00:01:54.121
00:01:54.724 --> 00:02:02.765
00:02:02.765 --> 00:02:04.066
00:02:04.066 --> 00:02:06.310
00:02:06.310 --> 00:02:08.052
00:02:08.052 --> 00:02:14.288
00:02:14.288 --> 00:02:16.454
00:02:16.900 --> 00:02:20.287
00:02:20.287 --> 00:02:22.451
00:02:22.451 --> 00:02:23.213
00:02:23.861 --> 00:02:25.568
00:02:26.040 --> 00:02:26.924
00:02:26.924 --> 00:02:27.526
00:02:27.526 --> 00:02:35.173
00:02:35.173 --> 00:02:35.753
00:02:36.680 --> 00:02:48.936
00:02:48.936 --> 00:02:56.026
00:02:56.026 --> 00:02:57.567
00:02:57.567 --> 00:03:12.264
00:03:12.264 --> 00:03:13.286
00:03:14.288 --> 00:03:37.508
00:03:38.039 --> 00:03:52.979
00:03:52.979 --> 00:03:57.372
00:03:57.372 --> 00:04:05.854
00:04:05.854 --> 00:04:12.954
00:04:12.954 --> 00:04:26.189
00:04:26.189 --> 00:04:28.353
00:04:28.353 --> 00:04:31.045
00:04:31.045 --> 00:04:42.540
00:04:42.540 --> 00:04:43.442
00:04:44.285 --> 00:04:45.005
00:04:45.005 --> 00:04:49.403
00:04:49.403 --> 00:05:02.189
00:05:02.189 --> 00:05:11.689
00:05:11.689 --> 00:05:15.288
00:05:15.288 --> 00:05:19.791
00:05:19.791 --> 00:05:27.112
00:05:33.199 --> 00:05:33.980
00:05:33.980 --> 00:05:35.281
00:05:35.281 --> 00:05:51.810
00:05:51.810 --> 00:06:01.795
00:06:01.795 --> 00:06:05.317
00:06:05.317 --> 00:06:07.577
00:06:07.577 --> 00:06:13.415
00:06:13.475 --> 00:06:18.089
00:06:18.471 --> 00:06:19.533
00:06:19.533 --> 00:06:22.348
00:06:22.348 --> 00:06:33.620
00:06:33.620 --> 00:06:42.314
00:06:42.314 --> 00:06:52.105
00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:53.161
00:06:54.064 --> 00:07:08.612
00:07:08.612 --> 00:07:18.454
00:07:20.341 --> 00:07:21.526
00:07:21.526 --> 00:07:22.946
00:07:26.040 --> 00:07:27.062
00:07:27.062 --> 00:07:29.269
00:07:29.369 --> 00:07:30.771
00:07:30.771 --> 00:08:00.266
00:08:00.266 --> 00:08:06.934
00:08:07.795 --> 00:08:08.875
00:08:08.875 --> 00:08:15.132
00:08:15.132 --> 00:08:18.485
00:08:18.485 --> 00:08:21.290
00:08:21.310 --> 00:08:38.962
00:08:39.624 --> 00:08:57.966
00:08:58.488 --> 00:09:00.610
00:09:00.610 --> 00:09:05.328
00:09:05.328 --> 00:09:07.823
00:09:07.823 --> 00:09:10.571
00:09:13.062 --> 00:09:34.544
00:09:34.865 --> 00:09:38.212
00:09:38.212 --> 00:09:42.910
00:09:42.910 --> 00:09:47.864
00:09:47.864 --> 00:09:58.000
00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:11.076
00:10:11.076 --> 00:10:21.544
00:10:21.725 --> 00:11:05.384
00:11:05.384 --> 00:11:08.562
00:11:08.562 --> 00:11:23.042
00:11:23.042 --> 00:11:51.466
00:11:51.505 --> 00:12:02.850
00:12:02.850 --> 00:12:06.927
00:12:06.927 --> 00:12:22.313
00:12:24.981 --> 00:12:29.465
00:12:29.465 --> 00:12:37.475
00:12:37.475 --> 00:12:49.023
00:12:49.023 --> 00:12:51.168
00:12:51.168 --> 00:12:55.687
00:12:55.687 --> 00:12:58.120
00:12:58.721 --> 00:13:18.323
00:13:18.323 --> 00:13:38.594
00:13:38.594 --> 00:13:43.951
00:13:44.480 --> 00:13:45.403
00:13:45.484 --> 00:13:48.384
00:13:48.384 --> 00:13:49.827
00:13:49.827 --> 00:13:50.910
00:13:50.910 --> 00:13:54.126
00:13:54.126 --> 00:13:56.130
00:13:56.130 --> 00:14:01.164
00:14:01.426 --> 00:14:03.989
00:14:03.989 --> 00:14:12.479
00:14:12.479 --> 00:14:14.504
00:14:14.504 --> 00:14:38.956
00:14:39.037 --> 00:14:49.490
00:14:49.490 --> 00:14:58.671
00:14:58.671 --> 00:15:01.062
00:15:01.062 --> 00:15:02.785
00:15:02.785 --> 00:15:15.222
00:15:15.222 --> 00:15:15.703
00:15:15.703 --> 00:15:26.643
00:15:26.643 --> 00:15:35.849
00:15:35.849 --> 00:15:39.320
00:15:45.171 --> 00:15:47.514
00:15:47.514 --> 00:15:51.466
00:15:51.466 --> 00:15:54.460
00:15:54.460 --> 00:16:04.465
00:16:04.465 --> 00:16:09.514
00:16:09.514 --> 00:16:11.658
00:16:11.658 --> 00:16:23.344
00:16:23.344 --> 00:16:23.846
00:16:23.846 --> 00:16:30.490
00:16:30.490 --> 00:16:32.687
00:16:32.687 --> 00:16:35.749
00:16:35.749 --> 00:16:37.826
00:16:37.866 --> 00:16:45.610
00:16:45.610 --> 00:16:50.009
00:16:50.009 --> 00:16:51.475
00:16:55.303 --> 00:17:04.234
00:17:04.234 --> 00:17:14.363
00:17:14.363 --> 00:17:22.315
00:17:22.315 --> 00:17:31.076
00:17:31.076 --> 00:17:34.871
00:17:34.871 --> 00:17:37.839
00:17:37.839 --> 00:17:40.781
00:17:40.781 --> 00:17:43.368
00:17:43.368 --> 00:17:45.766
00:17:46.407 --> 00:17:56.886
00:17:56.886 --> 00:18:11.742
00:18:11.742 --> 00:18:17.593
00:18:17.593 --> 00:18:20.928
00:18:20.928 --> 00:18:23.336
00:18:23.336 --> 00:18:26.707
00:18:26.707 --> 00:18:27.910
00:18:27.910 --> 00:18:29.121
00:18:29.840 --> 00:18:31.502
00:18:31.502 --> 00:18:46.517
00:18:46.517 --> 00:18:51.005
00:18:51.005 --> 00:19:00.825
00:19:00.825 --> 00:19:02.996
00:19:03.859 --> 00:19:05.643
00:19:05.643 --> 00:19:10.592
00:19:10.592 --> 00:19:14.892
00:19:14.892 --> 00:19:17.482
00:19:20.740 --> 00:19:27.646
00:19:27.646 --> 00:19:40.009
00:19:40.009 --> 00:19:48.028
00:19:48.028 --> 00:19:53.667
00:19:53.667 --> 00:20:09.284
00:20:09.284 --> 00:20:17.365
00:20:17.886 --> 00:20:47.019
00:20:47.019 --> 00:20:50.410
00:20:50.410 --> 00:21:07.191
00:21:07.211 --> 00:21:13.145
00:21:13.145 --> 00:21:15.730
00:21:15.730 --> 00:21:17.393
00:21:17.393 --> 00:21:22.407
00:21:22.407 --> 00:21:22.848
00:21:22.848 --> 00:21:29.531
00:21:29.799 --> 00:21:38.295
00:21:38.295 --> 00:21:45.425
00:21:45.425 --> 00:21:46.587
00:21:46.587 --> 00:21:53.463
00:21:53.463 --> 00:22:22.359
00:22:22.460 --> 00:22:31.162
00:22:31.162 --> 00:22:33.909
00:22:33.909 --> 00:22:35.923
00:22:35.923 --> 00:22:39.673
00:22:39.673 --> 00:22:43.805
00:22:43.805 --> 00:22:52.652
00:22:52.652 --> 00:22:52.912
00:22:52.912 --> 00:22:53.621
00:22:53.621 --> 00:22:54.703
00:22:54.703 --> 00:23:07.354
00:23:07.354 --> 00:23:16.209
00:23:16.269 --> 00:23:16.790
00:23:16.790 --> 00:23:19.647
00:23:19.647 --> 00:23:20.329
00:23:20.329 --> 00:23:23.127
00:23:26.721 --> 00:23:27.944
00:23:28.046 --> 00:23:56.542
00:23:57.044 --> 00:24:18.655
00:24:18.717 --> 00:24:44.875
00:24:44.875 --> 00:24:50.861
00:24:50.861 --> 00:25:03.241
00:25:03.241 --> 00:25:09.794
00:25:09.794 --> 00:25:50.251
00:25:50.251 --> 00:26:04.614
00:26:04.680 --> 00:26:07.505
00:26:07.505 --> 00:26:16.619
00:26:16.619 --> 00:26:21.439
00:26:21.439 --> 00:26:21.759
00:26:21.759 --> 00:26:25.009
00:26:25.009 --> 00:26:26.866
00:26:26.866 --> 00:26:33.541
00:26:33.541 --> 00:26:38.701
00:26:38.981 --> 00:26:47.875
00:26:47.875 --> 00:26:49.480
00:26:49.480 --> 00:26:52.204
00:26:52.204 --> 00:26:54.950
00:26:54.950 --> 00:26:58.741
00:26:58.741 --> 00:27:02.423
00:27:03.125 --> 00:27:04.007
00:27:04.007 --> 00:27:08.867
00:27:12.340 --> 00:27:15.747