Talks With Middle Adults: How NOT To Get Lied To On Valentines Day!

Transcript

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what's up everybody?

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Welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.

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I am your host, ruth abigail aka ra.

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What's up, friends?

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It's your girl, jaquita yo, and this is the podcast that's helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom.

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And uh, yo, uh, okay.

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So, quita, I don't know what y'all see, but I see red.

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Quita says what she's wearing is orange, but we're gonna go with red this dress no no, no, no, no, no no no, okay, this dress is very much clemson orange, okay, as is my lip, all right, but if the camera wants to pull, it's okay, because we're celebrating a very special weekend here today, friends there you go A very special week where very special things have happened.

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Happy Valentine's Day, everybody Happy Valentine's.

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Week For all those who celebrate.

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There you go, you know, and it's not for everybody, and that's okay.

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You know, valentine's Day is not for and uh, everybody doesn't need to celebrate it.

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So if you don't celebrate, that's perfectly fine, but it is, you know, in the america the valentine, or is it the world?

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Is this like an international day?

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pretty sure, this is not an international holiday it's not okay I don't know, this is something the americans okay, okay, sure sure, sure, well, happy, happy valent Valentine's day to the Americans.

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And yeah, happy, happy spend your money, happy, spend your money on chocolate on the boo.

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Okay, ruth Abigail, do you have an interesting Valentine's day story, cause I do.

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Oh I definitely don't go ahead.

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Oh, okay, all right.

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Well, he might not like that I'm telling the story, but I won't mention any names.

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Anyways, worst valentine's day of my life, okay okay, let's go eighth grade.

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Okay, somebody in my math class asked me to be their valentine, who shall remain unnamed, right.

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And then we had a friend who had a birthday really close to valentine, who shall remain unnamed, right.

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And then we had a friend who had a birthday really close to valentine's day and she had a little party and there was a little dance, okay, and everybody was dancing and booed up and I thought I was gonna be booed up and then I wasn't, because my valentine's was booed up with somebody else.

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Oh, oh, okay.

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And then called me the next day to be like hey, you know, I just wanted to tell.

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By the way, call me, it's eighth grade, y'all so.

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And three-way had just came out, three-way was fresh in these streets.

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Okay, called me with, with the, with the homie on the three-way as his, no like yeah, had his.

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Had one of our mutual friends on the phone right, and we're all just sitting there.

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He's like.

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I just wanted to tell you face to face.

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You know that I'm now dating this new girl and you know we weren't dating, but I was just supposed to be the Valentine's.

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I'm now dating this new girl, ruth Abigail.

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You never heard this story.

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I know, but I'm trying to be the audience.

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I'm trying to be the audience, I know, I'm just trying to.

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You know, keep going, keep going, but anyways, and was like, yeah, but you know, the day before Valentine's Day, y'all he's like, yeah, so I'm now dating, I'm now dating this new boo, and so you know she going to be my Valentine's.

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But then the next day in before school with a bag full of all the stuff, he got the new girl and was like, oh, look, I got her a rose and look, I got her a teddy bear.

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And then he said but I didn't forget about you.

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Oh, he said I got something for you too.

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Now I want y'all in the comments to tell me how you would feel about this.

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After he showed me the roses and the bears and the chocolates and all of the things for this other person, he then pulls out that dusty bag of the sweetheart chalk candy Stop.

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Like a huge bag that he got from Walmart that you're supposed to share with the class, stop.

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He then pulls that out and says Happy Valentine's Day, jaquita Dang.

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I just want y'all to put it in the chat.

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How would you feel?

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Wow.

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So, anyways, today we're talking about relationships, yeah.

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Dang, that's crazy that's all right.

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It's all right.

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We're still friends actually, yeah yeah, yeah, really close friends that's beautiful.

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Yeah, you know, I love him.

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That's my brother.

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But again, I won't mention no names, but you know who you are absolutely hysterical.

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You know who you are and you know what you did.

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Wow, and I?

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I never ate not one piece of that candy dang.

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Wow, I looked at it in disdain as is your right, jaquita, as is your right, right, that's it.

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If you ask somebody to be your valentine's, follow through, saints follow through.

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Don't hook up with the person to after valentine's day.

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I'm not the same.

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You sacrifice.

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You know what I'm saying.

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Like, sacrifice it for a day or two, you know what I mean.

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Do it then, but don't do a day before.

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That's a pro tip, it's trifling, it's terrible, okay.

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So, yes, we are talking about relationships and, um what we have unlearned about relationships.

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Now we're talking about relationships and um what we have unlearned about relationships.

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Now we're talking about romantic relationships that we were just discussing that with Valentine's day, or potential ones, but um, uh, but, uh, uh, but it, this is all kinds of relationships, right?

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So, like you know, romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, any kind of relationship, and what we've had to unlearn about these relationships from the kitchen table.

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Again, when we say kitchen table, we talk about, um, how, what you learned growing up from either your family, uh, your community or general society, um, and so that's what we're, that's what we're gonna get.

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And yeah, this is interesting because I think that relationships is always a it's always a hot topic.

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It's, it doesn't matter what time of the season, because we, as humans, are relationship centered, like we thrive off of relationships, so it is always going to be a hot topic for humans and so um, I don't think it's really possible to understand yourself outside of relationships.

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I agree, not fully, like you can know everything about who you are, but until you understand and know how you relate to other people, you don't fully know yourself, I agree, and so I think that we grow and we're healed through relationships.

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Sometimes, we're broken through relationships, but we're also healed through relationships.

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So it's a.

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I think that's why it's so present.

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It's always at the top of our minds because it's the active way that we understand ourselves in the world.

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So with that I'm going to share and I actually shared this on the last Freedom Friday.

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This was kind of the core thing that I was talking about but I had to unlearn that the best type of relationships are easy, um, that the best best type of relationships are easy, um, and that, to your point, uh, queda, um, we don't know ourselves outside of relationships, but part of getting to know ourselves in that, in the context of relationships, that process doesn't unlearning that, that process is meant to be easy to get the best result.

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Um, the best relationships are sanctifying and that, and so you know that is a, that is a religion, religious, churchy word.

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Essentially they're, they make you, um, uh, uh, make you more pure, more right, more refined, right, that's the idea of sanctification, and so the best relationships make you more refined as a person, and being more refined doesn't always feel good.

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In fact it can be, it can be painful, because the process of being refined often requires some level of heat, tension or chipping right, and so that that's that, and so I think I've had to unlearn that.

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Um, you know, we kind of grow up, we've, we've grown up, most of us have grown up in a, in a society where, um, it's, you know you want things, it should, you know it flows.

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Things are easy, you know they just get me, you know what I mean.

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Like they just I just understand we just have all this and it's like that's great and that's that's.

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That's a good thing and that should be a part of the best relationships.

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But I think we've gotten to a point now where if there is, if there's pushback or tension or any kind of like, if there's pushback or tension or any kind of like disagreement, sometimes, even especially today, then it's a perceived like oh, this might not be for me, and I think we have to unlearn that.

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What do you think?

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I think that's really good.

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Don't realize how much how selfish we really are and how self-centered we really are until you give yourself over to that, to the sanctifying process of relationships.

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You know I as a single woman, I am making a lot of decisions that only impact me and so I only have to consider how I feel about it.

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I was telling somebody earlier this week you know I'm in the process of doing it's a lot going on that we'll update you guys on soon.

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There's a lot going on over here in the Ross household of one.

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But I was telling somebody that you know it's only February and God has so much more time in this year to do amazing things and blow our minds.

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And it is easy to make a decision off of your right now and not consider what God may do later.

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And I keep, I keep, I keep experiencing this thing where I'm stressed and worried about something and the Lord tells me I'm not worried.

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That's not my experience and I think a lot of times in relationships you can really get caught up in how you feel and how you're experiencing something and not realize that in a relationship you are having to weigh your feelings, your perspectives, your ideologies against that of someone else's as well, and you, uh, I watched a podcast where it said the two shall become one, and that becoming process that is what is.

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This is the sanctification right here.

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It's where you are rubbing up against me and you're making me better, and I'm rubbing up against you and making you better and we're becoming one.

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And so the becoming is going to require refinement, because me and Ruth Abigail, we have a theme scripture for our friendship.

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It's just who.

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We are All right, and we realize that we're two very different people who, if we don't, if we didn't learn the art of sanctification in our friendship, we would not be friends.

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Amen.

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Like we both would have went in opposite directions If we, if we didn't both give in and concede to the fact that Ruth Abigail is going to make me better because she's going to point out things that I don't naturally look at and that I don't want to pay attention to, things that I don't naturally look at and that I don't want to pay attention to and that I don't always think is as important as she does.

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If I don't give into that, I'm going to walk away from this friendship.

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Yeah, and vice versa.

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That's right, yeah, yeah, vice versa, girl.

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I was pretty Okay.

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All right, I dare.

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Ruth.

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Abigail had to put up with more for me than I had to put up with I dare say that's correct I dare say, I dare say, especially in, like my super saved years, I'm still super safe, oh okay, but I got sanctified, I got sanctified in it and I don't think, you know, I think that that's something.

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I think that people think sanctified means sanctimonious okay, that me being more sanctified means that I appear and I show up more holy and more righteous.

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That's good in a way that is um churchy.

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Yeah, you know, I think people think sanctified equals churchy.

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Or arrogant, or like you know yeah, or like untouchable, right, right.

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Sanctification is really humbling because it is the realization.

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The real process of sanctification will bring you to the point where you realize, one, I'm not as good as I thought I was, that's right.

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And two, I can't do it without the Lord and without the people he supplied me with 100%.

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That's sanctification.

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Sanctification is when you're talking about being put in the fire and all your dirt and stuff, all your impurities coming to the top.

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You got to face that stuff.

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It doesn't just get wiped off.

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And now you're like now I'm perfect.

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It gets wiped off and you're like I am capable of having darkness inside of me, of having dirt inside of me.

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That's right, and all of this can happen again.

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You don't get refined.

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And then you're like oh, and I'm good, I'm good, I'm forever good, I'm forever good.

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I never have to see that fire again.

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The Lord's like no, I made the surface good for this season, but you will go back.

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Let me tell you something.

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Middle adults, y'all know it.

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Okay, we, you thought a process was done and that last time you were going to have the experience that level of sanctification.

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No you're going to end up back in that fire.

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It's seasonal.

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You got a season of fire and a season of rest, so whichever one you're in, be glad they're in, but realize that fire is coming back, because there are always ways again, especially in relationships, that we can be made better.

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Well, and just to tag that, just as we, and then I'd love for you to share, you know yours.

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But, like you know the, what you just described also was just the relationship with God.

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So, like also, the relationship with God isn't going to be easy because of that Right.

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And so I think we grow up, I'll say I think I grew up believing that my relationship with God should be easy if I do everything right.

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That's not true, because, first of all, I'm not going to do everything right and, secondly, what I see is right is not always God's right.

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And so that process of understanding, that is part of that fire and I think it works both ways's it?

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It kind of it works both ways right, Vertically and horizontally, to God, your relationship with God and your relationship with other people.

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It is, it is a sanctifying process and it will refine you, and it will refine you over and over and over and over again.

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And so, yeah, I just, I think that was, I think that was good.

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Okay, what, what?

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What is it that you've had to unlearn from your kitchen table?

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Um, I think something that I really had to unlearn was that relationships required me to sacrifice my right to have needs and to be present in those relationships.

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I think that I, in every relationship I got in, I kind of tested out who that other person was.

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And when I say relationships, I'm talking friendships, I'm talking family relationships.

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I judged how I was going to show up in a relationship by what that person was asking for or needing.

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And so I went into every relationship saying, okay, what can I do for them that will make them want to be in a relationship, friendship, family, ship with me?

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What, what, what can I provide, what can I give, what can I sacrifice that will make this relationship work?

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And I think I did that through my teens, I think I did that through college years, I think I did that through my early 20s, and that was kind of the way that I built relationships.

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I went in saying, hey, what do you need?

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Who can I be for you?

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What can I give?

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And I remember I would tell people and it can be something so simple I would be sitting down watching a movie with a friend and they'd be like what do you want to watch?

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And I was like the little girl off of Coming to America.

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Whatever you like, yeah, yeah, you know well what you want to do this weekend.

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Whatever you like, yeah, and you know.

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And it got to a point and I would tell people oh yeah, I'm not picky, I'm not high maintenance, I don't have any preferences.

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You know, I'm go with the flow, I can do whatever anybody else is doing.

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But I really had to get to a point where I was like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, because you're about to get lost and nobody is even nobody's even going to know how to find you, because they don't really know you no-transcript.

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We feel like we are creating an environment where we'll never be alone by doing what you just said, but the truth is it's the loneliest place, because nobody really knows you.

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Nobody really knows you, and I think it's not only lonely, it is.

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There is a part of you that knows that, right, like it's not just that nobody else really knows you is that you haven't given yourself the chance to really know you.

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And so when people like those, when people ask me questions about myself and I don't know or something that kind of went to the tune of whatever you like, that was my genuine, authentic answer and I will tell you the honest truth.

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Some of it was because I got a little bit of the perfectionist in me, okay, I got.

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It's a little bit of her, just a little bit of her roaming around in me, okay, but I got.

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So I got so caught up in the fact that I had to perform, that I had to be this person that I thought everybody was depending on me to be, are expecting me to be, especially in, like, church world.

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Right, like I.

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I ran everything through the what will, what will the people think if I do this filter?

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You know like, what will the people think if I do this filter?

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You know like what will the people think if I say this or if I act this way?

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Now I am who I am Like you know, like, and so you know I'm not inauthentic, but I had to learn, like, how to make decisions that may not have been popular and they weren't even a big deal, but the pressure I was putting on myself to be who I thought other people were trying to get me to be was preventing me from being exactly who I am.

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And and allowing, and, and God can perfect who you're trying to be.

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That's right.

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He has to be able to see you, and then he can, and then you can hear the Lord on.

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This is what I'm requiring, instead of always trying to figure out what people are requiring.

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How did, how are you?

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How are you managing moving away from that?

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Um, I don't think you want to know the honest truth.

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I had to sit down and this is what really grew my relationship with the Lord and grew it past I'm a member of the church, you know.

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Grew it past, you know, I believe you know, and grew it to.

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I trust, I love, I hope, and really placing all of me in God was when God started to tell me who I am.

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God started telling me the stuff that nobody else was telling me about myself.

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Okay, right.

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And I remember there was a time I sat down on the couch and I was I mean, I was probably about this close to a level of depression in my life.

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I don't think I was depressed, but I think I was about that close, like one more straw, and I'd have been over that hump, right.

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And I remember I was sitting on the couch and the Lord told me Jaquita, write 10 things you love about yourself.

00:20:45.989 --> 00:20:50.786
And I got a piece of paper out and I wrote three and they were real basic.

00:20:50.786 --> 00:20:57.203
I was like I'm smart, I'm funny, I love people, and that was all I had.

00:20:57.203 --> 00:21:04.154
That was all I had and the Lord began filling my list because he began showing me who I was.

00:21:04.700 --> 00:21:14.009
You know I would wake up and I would hear God saying you know you're a teacher, you know you're an intercessor, you are in this part of the five-fold ministry.

00:21:14.009 --> 00:21:15.926
You are, you have these gifts.

00:21:15.926 --> 00:21:18.865
You can do this right, you're really good at this.

00:21:18.865 --> 00:21:27.861
And the Lord started affirming me and what I was looking for people to do, which they never really did, what I was looking for people to do.

00:21:27.861 --> 00:21:43.141
I allowed God to do that in my life and it opened up a realm of my understanding and experience that really allowed me to grow, not just in relationship with God, but it helped me to love who I am.

00:21:44.282 --> 00:21:45.625
How many do you think you can write today?

00:21:46.988 --> 00:21:52.603
Oh child, I think you know that's such a funny question.

00:21:52.603 --> 00:21:52.963
You know cause?

00:21:52.963 --> 00:21:56.941
It'd be like girl, I can write a book about you there's too much.

00:21:56.941 --> 00:21:58.163
There's too much, you know.

00:21:58.163 --> 00:22:08.519
I think that I, I think that I can write the things that I appreciate about myself and I can celebrate those things.

00:22:08.519 --> 00:22:13.372
I think the point wasn't you know, write down all your good qualities.

00:22:13.372 --> 00:22:14.000
It was.

00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:16.608
What are you celebrating about the life that I gave you?

00:22:16.749 --> 00:22:17.510
Yeah, yeah.

00:22:18.743 --> 00:22:27.267
And I think I could write a book about celebrating god's goodness that's good, quita, that's good.

00:22:27.948 --> 00:22:33.727
So the reason I asked that, um, well, because I'm, I'm, I want to, I want to switch gears.

00:22:33.727 --> 00:22:40.525
Since it is it is valentine's week, let's talk a little bit about the like, specifically about, you know, romance, you know that kind of thing.

00:22:40.525 --> 00:22:45.611
So, um, I'll kind of combine two into one.

00:22:45.611 --> 00:23:01.701
Um that I think, relate to the importance of what you just said, of um, understanding and celebrating who you are and celebrating what God says about you and not what others, not what not looking for others to do it.

00:23:01.701 --> 00:23:25.182
Um, and so two things that I feel like I've had to unlearn about relationships is, um, that I had to unlearn that, uh, chemistry and compatibility are the most important things, are the most important things.

00:23:25.201 --> 00:23:36.787
Commitment and character are so, but that's hard, because we have grown up in a society that says chemistry, how it makes, how they make me feel you know, you know how we, how we connect, right, those kinds of things.

00:23:36.787 --> 00:23:37.387
You see that in movies, right?

00:23:37.387 --> 00:23:38.288
Those kinds of things.

00:23:38.288 --> 00:23:39.671
You see that in movies.

00:23:39.671 --> 00:23:56.482
I mean, every single Disney movie gave you that it's so funny because, no, there's no Disney movie that explores what happens after the first kiss Hold on, or very few, Right?

00:23:56.482 --> 00:23:57.487
No, no, they really don't.

00:23:57.487 --> 00:23:59.587
It's the that's the climax.

00:23:59.980 --> 00:24:02.819
Cinderella ended Snow White ended with a kiss, aladdin, you know.

00:24:02.880 --> 00:24:03.121
Sleeping.

00:24:03.161 --> 00:24:05.862
Beauty ended with a kiss, it's all.

00:24:05.862 --> 00:24:06.384
It's all.

00:24:06.384 --> 00:24:08.573
Like you know, I mean, aladdin has sequels though.

00:24:08.573 --> 00:24:10.484
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but but come on, let's be real.

00:24:10.484 --> 00:24:32.126
I mean, who's really checking for, you know, return of Jafar, you know, okay, I, I mean, you know, we watch them but we don't really remember them, right, but like I think that that it's, it's, that's the climax, the connection, the chemistry, right, and so we kind of we.

00:24:32.126 --> 00:24:34.913
Thank you, joy.

00:24:34.913 --> 00:24:48.442
I'm sorry producer Joy is in the chat now, she did know.

00:24:48.461 --> 00:25:07.955
You know, princess, and the frog did start with the kiss and it went sideways, but I don't think we really got into the depth of their relationship right after it got, after it got serious right disney is not like hey, we want to show y'all marriage, no, we want to show you the love story yeah, like and and and, really what leads up to the love story, because the love story doesn't start until the end of the movie.

00:25:07.955 --> 00:25:11.666
And I think, and and truly like, because I don't.

00:25:11.666 --> 00:25:14.173
You can't test love without commitment.

00:25:14.173 --> 00:25:16.519
Right, wait a minute.

00:25:16.519 --> 00:25:22.883
Yeah you can't you can't test love without commitment, and so we've been ingrained in this society.

00:25:22.883 --> 00:25:27.659
I think I want y'all to write that down you can't test love without commitment.

00:25:27.679 --> 00:25:30.986
Somebody needed that amen, it's the truth.

00:25:30.986 --> 00:25:40.729
I mean, you know, but but you grow up and you assume that the chemistry is the climax of love, and so it's just not.

00:25:40.729 --> 00:25:45.194
You know, I'm saying like it's just not let me tell you.

00:25:45.214 --> 00:25:51.290
This was another thing I want y'all to write down uh, uh, like slash, love ain't enough.

00:25:51.290 --> 00:25:52.673
It ain't enough.

00:25:52.673 --> 00:25:58.962
Stop getting caught up with these people because they said I like you and stop waiting like y'all be making I love you.

00:25:58.962 --> 00:26:04.801
Like the last barometer, like yeah, that's it, he's right, he loved me.

00:26:04.801 --> 00:26:05.684
So you know.

00:26:05.684 --> 00:26:07.772
Yeah, I know he don't tell girl.

00:26:07.772 --> 00:26:20.630
Let me tell you something, and this is something I don't think that middle adults fully realize the men changed somewhere along the line the things that we saw and that we were taught.

00:26:20.630 --> 00:26:24.307
I I'm sorry, I don't want to just come down on men, but it's two women on this podcast.

00:26:24.367 --> 00:26:24.828
It's true.

00:26:24.888 --> 00:26:31.501
Yeah, but it's something, something changed, because it used to be growing up that if he introduced you to his mama, like that was it.

00:26:31.501 --> 00:26:33.046
You know what I'm saying.

00:26:33.046 --> 00:26:42.311
Like you were in there, okay, and the, the, the parental introduction going to the house, okay, y'all about to walk down the aisle tomorrow.

00:26:42.432 --> 00:26:44.326
That's it Now, baby girl they be.

00:26:44.326 --> 00:26:47.229
Mamas is down with it, okay.

00:26:47.229 --> 00:26:49.548
Mamas is out here playing the game.

00:26:49.548 --> 00:26:51.280
Mamas is out here, like all right.

00:26:51.280 --> 00:26:52.183
What's her name?

00:26:52.183 --> 00:26:53.670
Again, baby, tell me before she come.

00:26:53.670 --> 00:27:04.288
Okay, susie, all right, hey, baby, and she will make you feel loved and appreciated knowing that somebody else is coming next week or knowing that she not going to approve of you.

00:27:04.288 --> 00:27:06.317
Yeah, yeah.

00:27:06.357 --> 00:27:06.759
That's real.

00:27:07.019 --> 00:27:12.630
You know, I think the, I think some of the barometers that we learned at our kitchen tables.

00:27:12.869 --> 00:27:14.913
Yeah, it's changed Right.

00:27:15.134 --> 00:27:15.835
It's changed.

00:27:15.835 --> 00:27:17.144
The goalpost has moved.

00:27:17.144 --> 00:27:19.089
Let me tell you something the game has changed.

00:27:19.089 --> 00:27:19.540
That's true.

00:27:19.540 --> 00:27:35.125
The game has changed and I don't think the middle adults nobody gave us any warning, like nobody told us that the things that our parents taught us and that you know people who were in their 40s and 50s, nobody told us that, hey, that stuff don't really work no more, like you know.

00:27:35.125 --> 00:27:41.767
Like when people like oh lord, I'm sorry I ain't no, no, but you know, as a single middle adult.

00:27:42.106 --> 00:27:44.310
You know the stuff the saints want to.

00:27:44.310 --> 00:27:45.574
They got the advice.

00:27:45.574 --> 00:27:50.750
You know, and I know y'all understand all my single middle adults.

00:27:50.750 --> 00:27:52.464
All right, I know y'all with me.

00:27:52.464 --> 00:27:54.406
I want y'all another thing.

00:27:54.426 --> 00:28:00.008
Y'all put in the chat name a piece of advice that you've gotten, that you're like this is outdated.

00:28:00.008 --> 00:28:01.820
Yeah, that's real.

00:28:01.820 --> 00:28:02.423
This ain't no longer it.

00:28:02.423 --> 00:28:10.227
You know, like the whole like, oh, you know all you, if you just stop thinking about them, that's when they'll come.

00:28:10.227 --> 00:28:17.281
I think when they said that to us at 28, they thought that they would be here by 30.

00:28:17.281 --> 00:28:18.003
Sure it was.

00:28:18.003 --> 00:28:21.911
They're gonna stop thinking about them by 30, at about 35.

00:28:22.050 --> 00:28:28.462
They stop giving advice because they realize it's all, that's all the stuff that worked for your generation.

00:28:28.462 --> 00:28:31.432
Yeah, that's not the stuff that.

00:28:31.432 --> 00:28:32.474
And then you know they get.

00:28:32.474 --> 00:28:34.182
They get real persistent.

00:28:34.182 --> 00:28:39.540
You know they're like the bible says he who finds you ain't supposed to be out there looking.

00:28:39.540 --> 00:28:42.549
Okay, and I get that and I'm with that.

00:28:42.549 --> 00:28:44.044
I want to be found.

00:28:44.044 --> 00:28:49.960
Yes, okay, but y'all are not encouraging us to go out and be findable there.

00:28:49.960 --> 00:28:56.053
Y'all, y'all sit in the house because your mama, your daddy made that boy come to the front porch.

00:28:56.053 --> 00:28:59.750
Yeah, okay, so that he can meet you and in court.

00:28:59.750 --> 00:29:01.575
Yes, that's not happening.

00:29:01.575 --> 00:29:04.903
There's nobody gatekeeping my front door right now.

00:29:05.284 --> 00:29:08.551
Yes, there's nobody and y'all also married people.

00:29:08.571 --> 00:29:12.689
Y'all went to high school with yes, also true, there's a lot of things.

00:29:12.689 --> 00:29:13.190
There's a lot.

00:29:13.190 --> 00:29:14.353
You said, quita, there's a lot.

00:29:14.353 --> 00:29:24.507
You said, okay, like, well, that's true, we don't live in a world where proximity is the number one connecting point for relationships anymore.

00:29:24.507 --> 00:29:30.810
Like it's well, let me not say it's not number one, it's not, it's one of many.

00:29:32.070 --> 00:29:44.324
So you know, it did used to be that way, and so those types of platitudes, if you will, like, you know, don't think about it, he'll be there, all that stuff.

00:29:44.324 --> 00:29:48.244
It's not that it's not true.

00:29:48.244 --> 00:29:58.164
It's just that there was a time where we understood how that happened, because there wasn't a whole lot of ways for it to happen.

00:29:58.164 --> 00:30:01.682
I mean, quite frankly, that was the way it happened is proximity.

00:30:01.682 --> 00:30:05.901
We went to school, college, you know, my people, that what, how else we do this?

00:30:05.901 --> 00:30:07.023
Go work, right.

00:30:07.023 --> 00:30:09.932
But now we're connected all over the globe.

00:30:09.932 --> 00:30:27.227
We're connected like crazy, and so you can meet somebody random, like I did, quite frankly, right Online and no connections to anybody, don't know each other, don't know anybody that knows each other, and you just, and you find each other right.

00:30:27.768 --> 00:30:48.771
So that's just the world we're living in and we, we just have to be aware that, um, even more aware that it is commitment and character that are going to make it work, and not not the what it feels like when y'all come together Right Like that.

00:30:48.771 --> 00:30:51.345
That is, and I think we have to.

00:30:51.345 --> 00:31:12.592
We got to unlearn that because the way we grew up and the expectations we grew up with are no longer the case, and so what ends up happening is a lot of people really they do fit really well with people and they are high chemistry and it looks like, but we don't pay attention to what we don't see.

00:31:12.592 --> 00:31:15.301
We don't pay attention to what we don't currently feel.

00:31:15.301 --> 00:31:18.814
You don't think about what happens when you stop feeling that way.

00:31:18.814 --> 00:31:22.287
What happens when you stop feeling that way about each other?

00:31:22.287 --> 00:31:25.528
Are both of you committed to remain without the feeling?

00:31:25.528 --> 00:31:26.711
That's?

00:31:26.871 --> 00:31:27.152
real.

00:31:27.152 --> 00:31:28.946
Wait a minute.

00:31:28.946 --> 00:31:32.548
Ruth Abigail dropping gems.

00:31:32.548 --> 00:31:35.386
I hope y'all catching up because she dropping them.

00:31:35.386 --> 00:31:46.111
Thank you, that's yeah, I'd like to make a book recommendation and this book really helped me to realize everything you just said.

00:31:46.111 --> 00:31:50.210
Okay, it's called the Sacred Search by Gary Thomas.

00:31:50.210 --> 00:32:00.648
He also has a book for married friends, the Sacred Marriage, okay, but the Sacred Search talks about I.

00:32:00.648 --> 00:32:13.270
He mentions it somewhere in every chapter, like in every chapter he has the statement infatuation, which is that feeling of connection and that kind of way up high feeling.

00:32:13.310 --> 00:32:20.991
you have that like, oh my God, this is just so amazing that infatuation makes you vulnerable and stupid.

00:32:23.819 --> 00:32:24.060
That's right.

00:32:24.080 --> 00:32:24.622
It says it just like that.

00:32:24.622 --> 00:32:28.288
Okay, infatuation, and that it is temporary.

00:32:28.288 --> 00:32:31.421
That's right, and it doesn't matter how long it lasts.

00:32:31.421 --> 00:32:41.832
Initially you may feel really good because your stage of infatuation lasted for 12, 16, 18 months and you may think that you're going to stay on that high.

00:32:41.832 --> 00:32:44.426
But eventually you will come down.

00:32:44.426 --> 00:32:57.742
The hormones and the endorphins in your body that are convincing you that this is the thrill of a lifetime and that this level of chemistry will last forever and ever, those will wear down.

00:32:58.223 --> 00:33:02.593
And one day you're going to look at the person's socks that they left in the middle of the floor?

00:33:02.593 --> 00:33:05.609
Are you going to look at the dishes that they left in the sink?

00:33:05.609 --> 00:33:10.525
Are you going to look at them snoring in the bed next to you and you can't get no sleep.

00:33:10.900 --> 00:33:23.771
And all of a sudden, infatuation will break and that's when what Ruth Abigail is talking about you have to decide what parts of their character and what parts of their perspectives and their worldview.

00:33:23.771 --> 00:33:31.249
Because character I think character we think about are they morally righteous, like are they going to do the right thing, right?

00:33:31.249 --> 00:33:32.906
But even that's not enough.

00:33:32.906 --> 00:33:43.334
You need character, you need to be aligned in your views on finances on raising kids on keeping a home on.

00:33:43.714 --> 00:33:46.288
You know, are we going to make risky moves?

00:33:46.288 --> 00:33:47.705
Are we going to play safe things?

00:33:47.705 --> 00:33:50.489
You guys need to be aligned, not the same.

00:33:50.489 --> 00:33:53.886
You need to be aligned and going in the same direction.

00:33:53.886 --> 00:33:57.286
How can two walk together unless they be agreed?

00:33:57.286 --> 00:34:01.564
Right and so, instead of focusing on and you know I understand the movies jacked us up.

00:34:01.564 --> 00:34:02.571
Right and so, instead of focusing on and you know I understand, the movies jacked us up.

00:34:02.571 --> 00:34:09.123
Yeah, last night I was really close to watching the notebook, but then I realized how much it jacked me up.

00:34:09.123 --> 00:34:12.092
Man, look, that's one that's a good one, cause, yes, it did.

00:34:12.092 --> 00:34:14.403
Yeah, we used to be in college.

00:34:14.403 --> 00:34:25.936
I was telling my mentee, we used to be in college and we used to sit there and all watch it together and cry and be like this is the most beautiful uh boy ever and this is what I want, baby ain't.

00:34:25.936 --> 00:34:27.318
No, they not doing that.

00:34:27.318 --> 00:34:27.579
No more.

00:34:27.579 --> 00:34:29.043
These men don't even know how to build houses.

00:34:29.083 --> 00:34:33.001
No more that man that man did a whole house for her out on the lake.

00:34:33.001 --> 00:34:40.043
All right, you not getting that house, all right, you got to get you know somebody that's gonna be able to buy you a house, because they're not building them.

00:34:40.043 --> 00:34:43.969
No more, I cannot um, uh, I say.

00:34:44.030 --> 00:34:48.123
Another one that messed us up was love of basketball oh, man, you know I love loving.

00:34:48.123 --> 00:34:49.088
I know that's my movie.

00:34:49.088 --> 00:34:50.896
That's my movie now that's my movie.

00:34:50.896 --> 00:34:58.172
You know, I love that movie I love it, but we got to be honest highly toxic, highly toxic, um, you know, highly toxic.

00:34:58.172 --> 00:34:59.755
Toxicity, you know highly toxic.

00:34:59.775 --> 00:35:02.018
Toxicity at an all-time high.

00:35:02.018 --> 00:35:07.748
I'm telling you man Because there ain't no way you came back and took that man from Tyra Banks.

00:35:07.748 --> 00:35:09.994
Okay, over a basketball game?

00:35:09.994 --> 00:35:12.126
No, and not even a full basketball game.

00:35:12.159 --> 00:35:17.750
Y'all went to five points, that's not real, like it's like that stuff doesn't happen, right?

00:35:17.750 --> 00:35:22.192
No, like like you gotta get that out of your head and stop looking for it.

00:35:22.192 --> 00:35:26.518
I also think you gotta stop looking conflict will happen because you're different.

00:35:26.518 --> 00:35:27.541
You're trying to make each other better.

00:35:27.541 --> 00:35:32.780
Don't look for conflict and say that's love, like I think that's two different things.

00:35:32.780 --> 00:35:39.927
Conflict is is is um, conflict is is is natural in a sanctifying relationship.

00:35:39.927 --> 00:35:48.177
But sometimes we look for conflict because we think I got to have conflict with this person in order to have love.

00:35:48.780 --> 00:35:50.166
But okay, a couple of things.

00:35:50.166 --> 00:35:54.831
One conflict we learn to deal with conflict at the kitchen table.

00:35:54.831 --> 00:35:58.976
We do, you know, in our home of origin.

00:35:59.239 --> 00:36:04.588
Yes, you learn how to deal with conflict and you learned your response to conflict right.

00:36:04.768 --> 00:36:08.400
It's not even that you are doing exactly what your parents doing.

00:36:08.400 --> 00:36:15.280
You are doing what you learned and how you responded to what you saw your parents doing, right?

00:36:15.280 --> 00:36:26.233
So if in your home, conflict was at an all-time high and people were always yelling at each other, you might be really quiet and withdrawn because that was your response to what you saw.

00:36:26.233 --> 00:36:27.081
So you may not.

00:36:27.081 --> 00:36:48.708
You may think, oh, I'm doing this really differently because I'm not doing it the way my parents do it and you're in relationship setting rules Like, hey, we're not going to yell at each other.

00:36:48.708 --> 00:36:50.610
I don't believe in yelling at each other.

00:36:50.610 --> 00:36:53.891
I believe we can talk to each other in quiet.

00:36:53.891 --> 00:36:55.474
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:36:55.474 --> 00:36:55.793
Yeah.

00:36:55.833 --> 00:37:17.746
Relationship and it's not even that you're not right in your approach is that your approach is coming from an unhealed place that you haven't dealt with, and so a lot of times we bring these ideologies into new relationships and we try to make it work, and then we get discouraged because our unhealed parts don't work the way we think they will.

00:37:17.746 --> 00:37:20.570
It's never going to give you the result you think it will.

00:37:20.570 --> 00:37:23.342
Um, but I also think so.

00:37:23.342 --> 00:37:29.793
One we learned those in and how we and what we saw at our kitchen tables growing up.

00:37:29.793 --> 00:37:52.304
Um, I also think that we put these unrealistic expectations right on relationships, that you know that that we're just going to float through them you know, like right, and no, no, no, um, I and this, this is.

00:37:52.324 --> 00:37:53.027
I'll say this and then quit out.

00:37:53.027 --> 00:37:54.311
Uh, I think yours, that you have on this, is really good.

00:37:54.311 --> 00:38:05.210
I think it's important to talk about like um, but with that, like it's not, it's not about floating, it's about working, it takes work, like, so something, we, we, we talk about the one, right, and we all do.

00:38:05.210 --> 00:38:06.061
We all want to talk about the one.

00:38:06.061 --> 00:38:10.161
I want to find the one, you know the one, the one, the one, and I know there's plenty of people.

00:38:10.181 --> 00:38:34.469
I think we've gotten to a place where it's like, you know, I don't believe in the one, you know, there's true, but if I could surmise, uh, we are the one, the idea of the one is still so ingrained, even though philosophically we can, you know, kind of argue that that doesn't, that probably isn't the right way to think about it.

00:38:34.469 --> 00:38:40.690
It's what we grew up with, it's, it's the idea of it, and and so we have.

00:38:40.690 --> 00:38:45.746
There is a process to unlearning that, the, that the goal is to simply find the one.

00:38:45.746 --> 00:38:57.434
I would say the goal is to be prepared to work with the one that you get now, because that is way more important than finding the right one.

00:38:58.501 --> 00:39:10.072

Talks With Middle Adults: How NOT To Get Lied To On Valentines Day!

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