Talks With Middle Adults: Triggers in Friendships, Insecurity in Leadership, Diverse Personalities, Transitions, and Powerful Memories

Transcript

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Hello everybody and welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast.

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I am your host, ruth Abigail aka Ra, and this is the podcast that is helping you to gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom and, as you can, can see, we are not two, we are three.

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See what I did there.

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There's a rhyme, see.

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That's good.

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First of all, you ain't let me introduce myself.

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What's up y'all?

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It's your girl, jaquita.

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It's Jaquita.

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It's Jaquita, and we have a very, very special guest.

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Incredibly special.

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Reluctant guest, I would like to say Reluctant guest.

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I would like to say reluctant, but what you all need to know is that this guest is responsible for keeping us on track lately.

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She keeps us together behind the scenes and she helps us to organize the conversation.

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This is Producer Joy.

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We call her Producer Joy very intentionally.

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What's up, producer joy, producer joy hello friends.

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I don't like being on this side of the camera, but I'm here today listen, listen, joy is a treat to all.

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Um, listen, and y'all are gonna see in real time what we are experiencing backstage as we're doing the podcast.

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Okay, because producer Joy plays no games.

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Okay with keeping what she calls me and Ruth the talent together.

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Okay, she plays no games at all.

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Okay so proud of my talent.

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Yeah, no, no, no, no no.

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We appreciate you.

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Y'all are great hosts for this podcast and I'm just here to help.

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Yes, On today.

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She will be helping us by this, so you you should also know that this particular episode is of the brainchild of Producer Joy.

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Therefore, I will not be the host of this show.

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Producer Joy will be the host of this particular episode.

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We're very excited and we're going to turn the reins over to Producer Joy.

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What are we going to do, producer Joy?

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What's happening.

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I'm not going to say that I'm the host, but I'm just assisting the podcast long from the other side of the camera.

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But today we're going to get into this friendship of ours.

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We're going to get into how we have seen each other grow and develop throughout the years, throughout these too many decades.

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Almost 20.

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I didn't want to say it.

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We're almost there.

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From this two decades worth of friendship here.

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Wait a minute, those are very different terms.

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20 years and two decades are two very different things.

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Either way, that's a grown person, okay.

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When you start putting decades behind things.

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Either way, that's a grown person Okay, when you start putting decades behind things.

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It's like a pastoral anniversary.

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She's been in ministry for two decades.

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Oh no.

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Needless to say, we have known each other for a while and we have seen each other for a while, and we have seen each other through many transitions in life.

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Many transitions hair transitions, clothes transitions, emotional, physical, um also spiritual transitions in life.

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So let's get into it, ladies, huh let's do it.

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Joy, let's do it now out of the.

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Who wants to go first?

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Who wants to talk about whose transition first?

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Should we, should we start on the?

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The og host ruth abigail first yeah, let's get in on there yeah, I'm done with that.

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I like it.

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I like it.

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All right.

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All right.

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What am I supposed to say?

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No, it's not basically what you're supposed to say.

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We're going to talk about who you were when we originally met you.

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Oh, absolutely.

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Absolutely let's do this.

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How you have, you know, gotten out of the cocoon and became this beautiful, beautiful butterfly.

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My Lord, my Lord, we waited on that butterfly.

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Let me tell you something.

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For all of those of you who feel like your golden hour has not come yet.

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All right, you feel like you're waiting to bloom, waiting to blossom, waiting to break through that cocoon and fly.

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All right, ruth Abigail has led the charge.

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Okay, and just wait on it.

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Wait on it, your glory time will come.

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Okay, look at that.

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Absolutely Okay.

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I'm always down to talk about Ruth Abigail.

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Listen, let's talk about that original Okay.

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Listen, let's talk about that original Okay.

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Akweta, can you tell me just characteristics alone of what would you describe that Ruth Abigail that you met freshman year at Furman?

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Oh, freshman year Ruth Abigail was reserved, okay, but observant.

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Reserved, okay, but observant she was.

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Uh, I just, I really want to just talk stylistically transitions yeah, like.

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So ruth abigail when she wore two different color tank tops, she thought she was killing the game.

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She said do you see my brown tank top with the pink one under it?

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I didn't come to play with y'all today.

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Okay, hair clip.

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You know these hair, the claws have come back in style.

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Ruth Abigail is the mother of wearing the hair clip.

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Okay, I didn't see Ruth Abigail's hair down for like at least freshman year.

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We didn't see Ruth Abigail's hair down for like at least freshman year.

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We didn't see it.

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Like.

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Like Ruth, that hair was clapped when y'all decided to like do my hair and makeup oh, so we had a day where we were like let's dress up Ruth, abigail and go out.

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We spent the day Joy was probably somewhere with her high school friends.

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She didn't love friends.

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She didn't love us yet.

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She didn't love us yet, but I don't know.

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I know Jessica Giles was there.

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Shout out to Jessica Giles, because we flat ironed Ruth Abigail's hair, we threw some makeup on her, we chucked out those tank tops and she had like this black shirt with like a gemstone butterfly on it or something.

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I remember this.

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We put her in some skinny jeans, but now Ruth was always about them, skinny jeans.

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I don't.

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Let me tell you something.

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She liked them.

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Jeans, tight, tight.

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She always asked, but and we dolled her up that day we were like I think I should have chucked that hair clip across the room, like get out of here.

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But you know, ruth was.

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Ruth was always extremely wise, like I.

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I knew that from the start.

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That, like Ruth had a level of just an ability to know what was right and what was wrong and to know kind of kind of, to see the deeper side of things and to be able to easily tell the intentions of people in a group.

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She, she has always wanted to go her own way and do her own thing.

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She has never been one to follow the crowd.

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You got to wrestle with her.

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You had to wrestle with my best friend, okay, at that point in my life I was down for the wrestling.

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At this point in my life I am no longer here for that, not playing games with y'all, you shouldn't have to wrestle too much anymore.

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does that sound like who you thought you were, ruth Abigail, that freshman year yeah, probably.

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Yeah, I was reserved at the time.

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I was much more.

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I was more reserved.

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I was more reserved than I probably actually was.

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I was just insecure.

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I was insecure see, I didn't want to use those words, but yeah no, let's tell the truth here.

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freshman year, in a state you don't know, with people you don't know, there could be a little bit of insecurity, a little you know a little fear.

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Maybe my insecurities manifested itself in characteristics that really weren't mine Like, and as I got more secure in myself, I became what I think I wanted to be, but I just was afraid to be it.

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Okay, yeah, yeah.

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So you just had to shed some of.

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I just was afraid to be it.

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Okay, yeah, yeah, so you just had to shed some of that off, is what you're saying?

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Yeah, like the proverbial cocoon that Jaquita was describing in her introduction.

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I think freshman year, ruth Abigail it was, it was.

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It was, I would say, freshman and sophomore year.

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It was kind of like Ruth Abigail and waiting, like we were, we were waiting on Ruth Abigail to fully show up, um, and I think we kind of were waiting on all of us to show up, but I think Ruth because Ruth was kind of the more reserved one of us and the more one like she wanted to be, you know, her own person, she didn't want to meld in with the group.

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So I think that it was just more obvious that like, okay, we're waiting on Ruth to get to that like show out version of herself, which I think by the time we got to junior year and you know you became president of the gospel choir.

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I think that really created a shift for you to like break through that shell a little bit.

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Was that your catalyst to break out of your shell, or is there something else?

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Um, I think it was that and also like having a real community, like I had a community by that, especially by that time.

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I think sophomore year was kind of the establishment of our, of our core friendship.

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Once I had that, I felt like I belonged to something, like it matters when you feel like you belong to something and so right, I didn't.

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I didn't.

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I don't think I really had that really real experience, uh, like a deep belonging to a community, uh outside of like my, my basketball team in high school.

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But even then it was very it's pretty surface because you know it was about sports.

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This was like a real connection of friendship and so it was like that's the first time I felt like I've had that and so I felt like I could really like lean into that.

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That helped me.

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And then the, the, the, the leadership positioning kind of opened up that piece of me, you know reluctantly, but it was there and it was the way I practiced it.

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So Right.

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So being able to be comfortable who you are with people who accepted who you were, and I think that's important.

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Like, I think, people.

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It is crucial that you have people around you that can bring that out of you.

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It's hard to it's hard to grow into your real kind of full self without the community.

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Right.

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Right.

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Yeah, there, I mean also, your community is a reflection of who you are.

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Yeah, or you know, you'll see things in that other person that you would want to grow in yourself.

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Right, was there anything in Jaquita that you were like?

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I got no nothing nothing.

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I didn't want to be first of all I have been such an asset to her life okay was, um, I, I, I really admired how full of life jaquita seemed to be.

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I was going to attach my myself to people who would emanate the things inside of me that I think I was a little too afraid to.

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It was really easy to be around her because it was like I love this energy, I just can't pull it out.

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So, so I, you know, um, and I, really I love that.

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And also, quida made me do things I didn't want to do, but she made me do it in a, in a, in a, in a she.

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She came from a place of, like, true friendship, like.

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So quita, quita decided we were going to be friends, and I'm one of those people I don't know if that's anybody listening but I'm one of those people.

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You're gonna have to make me be your friend.

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I am not readily looking for more friendships, and so even though she had no friends ain't had nobody to eat dinner with was over here acting like let's not say all of her business.

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No, that's true.

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You have the, you have.

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You have the friends who join those together, who are like the glue, and then you have other friends who like are also around, but they have other you know characteristics to add on to it, but there is always that one friend that joins the group together and I'm not going to lie, I feel like that was Jaquita.

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That is Jaquita.

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That is who, Jaquita is.

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You better make the community Jaquita this is interesting being talked about by the people who know me the most.

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It's kind of like there's nowhere to back out of it.

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You know, whatever they say is likely the truth.

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I mean, that's the part of friendship, though, like what you were saying, like you saw that part of Cuida in you, and when you have friends, there should be either something that y'all share together or at least something from that other friend that you also want to build in your personality, your characteristics.

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That may not be something that you may be lacking at the point you know, and so what did you say?

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She was full of life.

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I called it a different word.

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Oh, yeah, while we're talking about friendships, let's talk about me and Joy's friendship.

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I'm just going to jump in, tell the story real quick.

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Pooks, by the way, joy is my Pooks, that's because she was my freshman roommate, my freshman year roommate, and that's because she was my freshman roommate, my freshman year roommate and me and Joy we got.

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We got room together almost totally by chance, and I'm going to leave the rest of it to the Lord.

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You know we say chance, but it was really the Lord and I'm super grateful for it.

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But I was actually supposed to room with one of our other friends, but a lot of things happened and so I ended up in entering into the housing lottery late, and so, uh, and I think, joy, did you enter the housing lottery late too?

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Yeah, I just forgot to do it Um and so me and joy ended up in a room together, but we were in a triple.

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We had another roommate who we won't name here.

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Um, it was three women in one room and it was it wasn't the best time.

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I mean, me and Joy got along, but that other roommate- Not that she was a wonderful lady.

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No, we actually, I actually really liked her, we had a great time.

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It was just again, three women in one room, and so when I, when it was right before we got the Furman, I'm going to tell my stuff too.

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I tell my crap, all right, I ain't ashamed.

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Okay, I needed to know.

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Okay, my name is Jaquita, it is obvious.

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My race, okay, it is obvious.

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I mean, there's a 10% chance I'm not a black woman, alright.

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But when I look on the paper and it says Joy, joy last name speaks though.

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What does that mean?

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that's a regular last name it wasn't if it had been Joy Johnson, I'd have been like I'm kind of black right but I, so I called Joy and we were on the phone in the early days of Facebook I had a Facebook account, but I had no picture.

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I couldn't stalk her.

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I couldn't find what I needed to find to learn more about her.

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So I was like I'm calling this girl, so I called her up and I was talking to her and she got this cute little dainty voice and she's just like, oh my god, me, me, me, me me.

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And I was like, hi, joyce, I got a little question.

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It's the second question she asked me.

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She even tried to get to know me.

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Just a little inquiry.

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I needed to know.

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I just needed to know I was like could you ask me a little bit else?

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Maybe there was context clues that would have let you know this.

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I ain't got time for context clues.

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We're going to be living together.

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What was your question?

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Ain't no time for context clues, but anyways, I asked the young lady if she was Black.

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I asked the young lady if she was black and I could tell by the way she responded that she was offended.

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I could tell I was like.

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I think I made her a little mad.

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I think she got a little upset about that.

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But you know, I think as a I'm very chocolate colored.

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for those of you on YouTube, she sounded very light skin on the phone, but when I you know, I think at that time you know when you're moving into, like, just like a different area of your life and transitioning into something new.

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You know, like I, I left high school and I only had male friends and I didn't know how I was going to orient.

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Not that I didn't have female friends, for those of you who might be listening but, like, the people I spent a lot of time with was guys.

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But I didn't know how I was going to navigate college, being away from what I thought was going to be my norm, and I had also never thought about having a roommate.

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Joy actually went to governor school, so she went to a residential high school where she stayed, you know, hours away from home and found a group of a community.

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Already Joy was practiced, and you know, living away from home.

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But that transition was absolutely brand new for me, and especially as a first gen college student, which you know, I think some of our listeners might be.

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First gen, shout out.

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First gen.

00:18:44.373 --> 00:18:47.121
All right, we made it, we did it.

00:18:47.121 --> 00:18:51.098
Ok, proud of y'all Right, but I, it was a.

00:18:51.159 --> 00:19:02.890
It was a brand new experience for me and I didn't know the questions to ask and you know, I think that is sometimes the hardest thing about transition is that you don't know what's on the other side of that transition.

00:19:02.890 --> 00:19:07.602
And I think me asking Joy, like you know, hey, are you a black girl?

00:19:07.602 --> 00:19:19.493
It was really like, am I going to be able to relate to you and is my room going to feel like home, or am I going to have to learn that space too?

00:19:19.493 --> 00:19:28.963
Um, and so I was very relieved when she said that she was, you know, of the African-American persuasion Amen, um.

00:19:29.345 --> 00:19:40.555
But uh, getting back to the other point, uh, joy, within maybe five minutes of meeting, of meeting me and we were, I met someone's mom who loves me to this day.

00:19:40.555 --> 00:19:46.270
Okay, I saw her mom at the mall one day and she absolutely loved and remembered me.

00:19:46.270 --> 00:20:05.077
Like I met her, I was my enthusiastic, excited, self, showering love and affection, okay, and afterwards Joy just looked at me and said you're so, you're just so overwhelming.

00:20:05.077 --> 00:20:07.195
No, my pooks did it.

00:20:07.195 --> 00:20:07.878
She wasn't my pooks.

00:20:09.112 --> 00:20:19.781
You know, we were establishing the friendship and I wonder, you know, like, looking back at it now, like why did I say you were overwhelming?

00:20:19.781 --> 00:20:42.307
And it was just because where I was before, like you know, like total authentic self was just interesting but also different for me.

00:20:42.307 --> 00:20:47.522
But you know, so it was something unique for me in that perspective.

00:20:47.522 --> 00:20:51.740
But yeah, no, I will still call you overwhelming, but it's a good thing.

00:20:52.330 --> 00:20:53.835
OK, ok, it's all right.

00:20:53.835 --> 00:21:14.303
I understand when I also, when I look back at that period of my life, like I think people who knew me in high school would have never used that term, because I was actually more reserved in high school, like in my close friendships I was, you know, funny jokey, dah, dah, dah, dah dah.

00:21:14.303 --> 00:21:17.410
But I was, I was, you know, funny jokey, da da, da, da da.

00:21:17.410 --> 00:21:31.080
But I was so timid because I didn't want to come off as intimidating, or because of my height, or because of my build or because of my voice, like I wanted.

00:21:31.080 --> 00:21:34.630
I was trying so hard to hide that I wasn't allowing myself to to like be bubbly.

00:21:34.630 --> 00:21:36.155
I was not bubbly in high school.

00:21:36.155 --> 00:21:42.804
Like I was insecure and my insecurity led me to kind of draw into myself.

00:21:42.804 --> 00:21:49.069
So when I got to college I was like y'all getting, y'all getting every bit of this personality I've been holding.

00:21:49.069 --> 00:21:50.454
So you were ready just to break out.

00:21:50.494 --> 00:21:54.402
Before you even hit, you were like it's time now yeah.

00:21:54.422 --> 00:22:02.601
Okay, before you even hit, you were like it's time now, yeah, oh boy, was it a burden for you to not be your full, authentic self?

00:22:03.262 --> 00:22:03.824
In high school?

00:22:03.824 --> 00:22:09.170
No, I wouldn't say that, because my attention wasn't on me in high school.

00:22:09.170 --> 00:22:14.636
My attention was on how can I?

00:22:14.636 --> 00:22:17.141
Who can I be?

00:22:17.141 --> 00:22:22.107
That would be accepted, yeah, and so I it.

00:22:22.107 --> 00:22:23.111
I wasn't even.

00:22:23.111 --> 00:22:27.480
I didn't even know I was bubbly, you know, I didn't even know that I was like.

00:22:27.480 --> 00:22:42.693
I knew I was funny, I've always been funny, but I I didn't know that I was like that charismatic because I was so focused on what are other people thinking about me and do they?

00:22:42.693 --> 00:22:43.516
Do?

00:22:43.516 --> 00:22:46.903
They see me as someone who adds value to their life.

00:22:46.903 --> 00:22:57.872
And if I didn't think they did, I was in overdrive, trying to be the absolute best friend, the absolute best counselor, the absolute best whatever.

00:22:57.872 --> 00:22:59.454
That's what my focus was.

00:23:00.636 --> 00:23:08.099
So what made you say, hey, I'm going to start thinking about me instead of everyone else.

00:23:08.099 --> 00:23:11.132
What made you do that transition between high school and college?

00:23:11.913 --> 00:23:16.105
I don't know that I necessarily knew that that's what I was doing.

00:23:16.105 --> 00:23:19.412
I knew that I wanted to come to college.

00:23:19.412 --> 00:23:21.777
I honestly got saved.

00:23:21.777 --> 00:23:34.777
I gave my life to the Lord the summer before I went to Furman and so really what my attention was on when I got there was I mean, when I got there I was like yo, what church does everybody go to when we at?

00:23:34.777 --> 00:23:39.797
You know, I just I'm new, I'm fresh in All right, how do I, how do I do this?

00:23:40.371 --> 00:23:46.163
And I think because I was free, I was learning freedom in that area.

00:23:46.163 --> 00:24:06.490
I kind of unlearned see Ruth Abigail, I included it I kind of I kind of unlearned, like the things that I unlearned the idea that I had to be somebody else in order to be accepted.

00:24:06.490 --> 00:24:24.251
Once I, once I understood that I was accepted by God, it was easier for me to just kind of be present and not feel like I had to prove something to somebody or that my and I also think it was the difference between you know, like friends with guys and friends with girls.

00:24:24.251 --> 00:24:27.117
You know like that was a transition.

00:24:28.039 --> 00:24:44.900
So okay, so I have a question that that, that moment and I, I know we were kind of like making it lighthearted, but like we I've heard you talk about that moment of like Joy calling you overwhelming, as you know, in the moment it didn't feel great.

00:24:44.900 --> 00:24:51.957
How did you, you know, because I think that friendships have to develop, Like Joy was saying it was a developing friendship.

00:24:51.957 --> 00:24:54.853
You didn't really know each other that well, and I don't know.

00:24:54.952 --> 00:25:01.013
Sometimes I feel like today, and maybe it's a function of just like, everything's just, we expect it to be faster.

00:25:01.013 --> 00:25:02.237
But it's like that.

00:25:02.237 --> 00:25:06.798
If somebody says something to me that I don't like, immediately it's like I don't know, I'm done with them.

00:25:06.798 --> 00:25:10.090
What made you not be done with the friendship, with joy?

00:25:10.491 --> 00:25:15.059
was it because?

00:25:15.059 --> 00:25:17.644
Was it because that we had to stay in the same room?

00:25:19.330 --> 00:26:25.009
I don't, you know, honestly, I think it was because and you know, it was something, you know not that I'm still healing from this, but it was definitely something that I had to contend with for years, like you know, like the idea of, okay, I need to learn to balance myself when I'm in different spaces, or else I'm going to be seen as too much, and I think that that was something I had always avoided, and so it kind of struck a nerve that, like, okay, I'm too much in this space too, whereas before I shrink, this time I think I was just a little bit more resistant and saying I'm not shrinking from this, like you still getting all this personality, um, but I think that the the reason why it didn't hinder our friendship was because, and and work with me here guys but I think because a part of me believed it, a part of me even in, even though in the moment it was a little disrespectful.

00:26:25.109 --> 00:26:34.222
It was a little disrespectful also audience like to say I apologize multiple times since then we've moved on from this.

00:26:34.303 --> 00:26:52.678
All right, this is just for kicks and giggles, all right, but, but a part of me even, especially as I got to know joy a little bit more, but even in that moment, I didn't feel like it was coming from a place that was like destructive.

00:26:52.678 --> 00:27:10.817
I felt like it was an observation that joy had about me that you know like she was overwhelmed, like and you know it wasn't, it wasn't malicious, um, and living with her gave me an opportunity to see her past that moment.

00:27:10.817 --> 00:27:16.487
Um, now, if we had, if we had not been roommates, we may not have made it past that moment.

00:27:16.487 --> 00:27:26.664
Yeah, but because we live together and we went through things, I saw it in that moment.

00:27:26.664 --> 00:27:40.936
I saw it as she said something to me that was triggering, which you are going to experience triggering, are going to experience triggering things even from your friends, if not more so, from your friends yeah.

00:27:41.178 --> 00:27:46.412
Yeah, you know, um, but you cannot make that person.

00:27:46.412 --> 00:27:52.792
The trigger and I think that that's what we do a lot of times is we say you know, I could have said you know, oh, joy is.

00:27:52.792 --> 00:27:58.763
You know, I can't fool up with joy because you know she got something against me or she's going to do the duh.

00:27:58.763 --> 00:28:14.278
And every time I'm around joy, I get upset and I get angry and I have labeled joy as my trigger, when really the trigger was inside of me that you know what I'm saying and the word lit the match on the trigger.

00:28:14.278 --> 00:28:15.801
That was already inside of me.

00:28:15.801 --> 00:28:24.640
And if I deal with me, then I don't care if it's joy, I don't care if it's my mama, I don't care if it's my grandma, I don't care who it is, they can't light my match.

00:28:24.640 --> 00:28:27.115
But you can't do that until you cut.

00:28:27.115 --> 00:28:30.682
If you cut the head off of a match, you won't be able to light it.

00:28:37.769 --> 00:28:39.913
You got to cut the heads off of your own triggers, and so, um, I had to, I had to deal with that in me.

00:28:39.913 --> 00:28:42.037
Yeah, I, I think, um, that's a really good point.

00:28:42.037 --> 00:28:49.801
Um, when a trigger is coming, I think something we can unlearn is like when a trigger, when you're triggered by a friend.

00:28:49.801 --> 00:28:53.653
Sometimes those triggers can be transformational if you let them.

00:28:54.575 --> 00:28:56.076
Right.

00:28:56.637 --> 00:28:59.884
If they're coming from a person that you trust, right.

00:28:59.884 --> 00:29:05.827
And in this case, you know, like you said, not necessarily trust me yet.

00:29:06.412 --> 00:29:24.055
Well, no, that's fair, but I like what you said as far as your relationship, you did it, you saw it, you heard it your relationship, for the sake of you know I think I mean you didn't say this, but it would make sense like, you want to have a, you want to have a, a good experience with your roommate?

00:29:24.055 --> 00:29:38.742
Okay, cool, like I'm not gonna sit here and demonize her because she said something that may have triggered me and, in that, learn to trust each other and then those that moment has helped you to grow, as opposed to always holding it against her.

00:29:40.153 --> 00:29:40.212
And.

00:29:40.252 --> 00:29:41.538
I just think it's like triggers.

00:29:41.538 --> 00:29:47.058
We always use the term trigger in a negative way, and it doesn't always have to be negative.

00:29:47.058 --> 00:29:57.772
Sometimes, when you're triggered, it is a catalyst for growth and you need to take it and don't just let it be make you upset in the moment.

00:29:58.414 --> 00:30:09.540
I can honestly say that some of my biggest growth points happened because one of you told me the truth about myself like that, and it was you know it.

00:30:09.540 --> 00:30:11.611
It hit in such a different way.

00:30:11.750 --> 00:30:32.455
Nobody else would have been able to pull that out of me the way that y'all did Um and so I'll uh, so I'll share the moment that the biggest trigger for me, which they're going to know immediately, the moment that I'm I'm talking about, there was a moment, our sophomore year, we were in our sharing year.

00:30:32.477 --> 00:30:33.617
Oh no.

00:30:35.520 --> 00:30:40.535
All the things about ourselves and everybody was like your deepest, darkest secrets and all this.

00:30:40.535 --> 00:30:50.319
And there's just a point I was not at a place where I was willing to be vulnerable but really with anyone and they were sharing all these things.

00:30:50.319 --> 00:30:51.715
We're learning all this stuff about each other.

00:30:51.715 --> 00:30:58.037
It was getting all deep and all this stuff and emotional sometimes, and I would just kind of be in the background and I would just kind of hear it.

00:30:58.037 --> 00:31:00.021
I'm there, I'm listening, but I'm not talking.

00:31:00.309 --> 00:31:06.375
And at some point I can't remember exactly who it was, um, but they called me out on it.

00:31:06.375 --> 00:31:19.094
I don't know if it was one of y'all, ashley, I cannot remember Sounds like an Ashley move, move.

00:31:19.094 --> 00:31:22.164
That's probably was Um, but they were basically like you don't ever talk, you just sitting here absorbing our information.

00:31:22.164 --> 00:31:22.646
Why aren't you talking?

00:31:22.646 --> 00:31:22.768
Right?

00:31:22.768 --> 00:31:22.847
And?

00:31:22.847 --> 00:31:23.329
And they and they.

00:31:23.329 --> 00:31:27.026
Essentially what I remember from that moment this is not those are.

00:31:27.026 --> 00:31:34.913
These are not the exact words, but what I remember and internalize was if you're going to be a part of this friendship, you're going to have to give some to like.

00:31:34.913 --> 00:31:37.537
This is not an equitable deal.

00:31:37.537 --> 00:31:43.570
We're not going to sit here and let you just be on the outskirts of this friendship.

00:31:43.611 --> 00:31:52.451
Either you're going to be in or you're out, and I heard that and that was like, and I had to make a real decision because for me again, that was a trigger point, but it was a positive.

00:31:52.451 --> 00:32:00.059
It was a from a trigger point point towards transformation, if I let it, because I realized that that wasn't just with my friends, that was with God at the time too.

00:32:00.480 --> 00:32:12.778
I had put up with God that prevented me from breaking down walls with people, and so I was just all just uninterested in anybody getting inside of me at all.

00:32:12.778 --> 00:32:23.237
And so in that moment, my friends, and that moment where my friends put me in a position to say either you're going to be in this life or you're going to be out.

00:32:23.237 --> 00:32:25.136
It's one or the other, no more.

00:32:25.510 --> 00:32:26.815
Ruth made us sound like a gang.

00:32:27.538 --> 00:32:27.919
She did.

00:32:30.971 --> 00:32:33.779
We did some gang thing, gangster.

00:32:33.779 --> 00:32:33.980
Thing.

00:32:33.980 --> 00:32:44.561
Let's just be that same year, which was all what you want, joy.

00:32:44.561 --> 00:32:47.105
That was good, that was we, we, we did that night man.

00:32:47.369 --> 00:32:48.153
Listen, that was a.

00:32:48.153 --> 00:32:49.116
That was a great time.

00:32:50.789 --> 00:32:55.258
Um and so anyway, but like I needed to, I had to make a decision.

00:32:55.258 --> 00:33:08.403
And to your point, Quida, like my friends brought me to that point, I didn't, I wouldn't have come there myself, I, I was resistant, Like, and God, God used my friends to put to bring me to that point.

00:33:09.131 --> 00:33:10.574
I wouldn't try to hear from God.

00:33:10.574 --> 00:33:15.104
Really, you know, it had to come from something I was wanting.

00:33:15.104 --> 00:33:30.776
And if I'm being honest and this might be other people like, sometimes, when you're in sometimes your relationship with God, let me be, let me say I'll be honest for me, my relationship with God at the time was more routine than real, and so I but.

00:33:30.776 --> 00:33:37.204
I really wanted friends, so I think God used that desire to pull me back in his direction.

00:33:37.345 --> 00:33:41.859
Yeah, God said I'm going to give you these friends right here who all we talk about is the Lord.

00:33:45.593 --> 00:33:54.065
But also, like it was, it was him saying you may not think that you desire a relationship with me.

00:33:54.065 --> 00:34:06.031
You may not think that you desire a relationship with me, so let me work in these friendships so you can see that what you really want is a relationship with me, a real one.

00:34:06.051 --> 00:34:15.878
But I wasn't really trying to hear that at the time I was like I want to accrue, like I want to be a part of something, and so sometimes I just think it's important to recognize, like where you and be honest about where you really were.

00:34:15.878 --> 00:34:21.360
I really wasn't that interested in having a deep relationship with God, but I did want friends and a community.

00:34:21.360 --> 00:34:38.452
Yeah, I'd use that to bring me closer to him later on, but the focus was friendship and I had people that called me out on what was unacceptable and I had to deal with that and make some decisions.

00:34:38.452 --> 00:34:54.597
So thank y'all for doing that and shout out to Ashley, because I do think she was the one who said it yeah, yeah, that definitely sounds like Ashley yeah, yeah, yeah yeah oh, what are the healing that has happened in this room?

00:34:54.996 --> 00:34:57.639
Okay, I want to talk about Joy, because Joy is a scientist.

00:35:05.510 --> 00:35:06.775
And sometimes scientists.

00:35:06.775 --> 00:35:09.155
First of all, you're a scientist.

00:35:09.516 --> 00:35:10.478
I am not a scientist.

00:35:10.478 --> 00:35:13.295
Science major yes, I was a science major in college.

00:35:13.295 --> 00:35:13.737
Continue.

00:35:14.010 --> 00:35:29.782
You're a scientist and so, um, the thing that I begin to learn about joy is that she she, honestly is probably the most direct of our crew.

00:35:29.782 --> 00:35:31.384
She is just, but she's.

00:35:31.384 --> 00:35:52.338
But if you're watching the youtube, you see this smile that's on her face and she's so sweet, but behind that are some very specific words that you're gonna have to contend with and you're not gonna know really how to do it, because she also is smiling like she's the sweetest, nicest person in the world which she can be, and also she's a scientist.

00:35:52.338 --> 00:36:01.121
And what I, what I, what I, what I came to appreciate about joy we're trying to say here, I would like to tell you joy.

00:36:01.161 --> 00:36:11.320
I'm just as lost as you joy is very sure of some things.

00:36:11.320 --> 00:36:18.635
She's very sure of some things and even though we may not have liked what she was sure about, she never backed down from that.

00:36:18.635 --> 00:36:22.831
Even now, with this podcast, she don't back down a lot.

00:36:22.831 --> 00:36:36.643
Right, we might disagree, but as producer, joy, she's like no, this is what, this is what we need to do, and we'll come to something, but I, I, I admire her being direct and sure and kind.

00:36:36.643 --> 00:36:40.000
All those three things are true about you.

00:36:40.000 --> 00:36:46.916
I've seen that progress in your personality, but it's never changed.

00:36:47.518 --> 00:36:51.913
No, I honestly would say you're the more direct one.

00:36:52.032 --> 00:36:53.097
Yeah, absolutely.

00:37:00.570 --> 00:37:03.737
I'm like direct, I'm a distant second Direct.

00:37:03.737 --> 00:37:04.538
You can't be direct.

00:37:04.538 --> 00:37:16.268
I'm not saying that I'm not direct, but I think you're more so direct and that's something that I maybe in our friendship, is what that I have mired from you, like what we were talking about before.

00:37:16.268 --> 00:37:18.273
That was something I don't think I was.

00:37:18.273 --> 00:37:23.923
I was truly like, always direct when I was younger.

00:37:24.063 --> 00:37:27.115
I don't know it was like you know southern ways.

00:37:27.115 --> 00:37:46.336
You're supposed to beat around the bush about things, but I mean, other than telling Queenie that she was overwhelming, I was a beat around the bush type of person, but in this friendship that we had, I had to unlearn like sometimes you need to have more directness, get to the point of things.

00:37:46.336 --> 00:37:58.021
Let's not waste time, because when you waste time there are other things you should be getting to do and you're not doing it because you're wasting time beating around the bush about something else.

00:37:58.282 --> 00:37:58.563
Yeah.

00:37:59.090 --> 00:38:01.297
So thank you, Ruth Abigail, for helping me with that.

00:38:01.610 --> 00:38:07.394
I think what joy is, is that joy is, is she is.

00:38:07.394 --> 00:38:13.599
The word efficient is coming to mind, but that's not what I mean, because Ruth Abigail is efficient.

00:38:13.599 --> 00:38:19.635
Ruth Abigail is like the cheapest way to get from here to here is to do this.

00:38:19.635 --> 00:38:26.998
You know like, but Joy is, joy is she is.

00:38:26.998 --> 00:38:34.813
Joy is intentional and joy believes and knows that there is a way that things can happen.

00:38:34.813 --> 00:38:53.934
Like I think one of the things that I have enjoyed getting to know about joy enjoy joy, sorry, it's just, joy is everywhere when you talk about joy, um, but one of the things I've really enjoyed getting to know more about joy is, as we've done this podcast is to know that joy is also a visionary.

00:38:53.934 --> 00:38:58.835
You know like, because, like we have known joy as like the scientific mind.

00:38:58.916 --> 00:39:00.800
I call her with all my doctor questions.

00:39:00.800 --> 00:39:04.206
She is my primary care doctor.

00:39:04.206 --> 00:39:21.001
On the side, I do have a PCP, but I always I go to my doctor's office and I'm like, listen, my friend Joy said that what I'm supposed to be getting is this, so if you could just please give me this medicine, thanks, but you know.

00:39:21.001 --> 00:39:34.329
But I think that Joy, joy is able to see the way that things should go and what should happen and she's able to give direction to a group of people, and I think that joy has always been that person.

00:39:34.329 --> 00:39:39.400
She's a community builder, like joy is a builder just in general.

00:39:39.400 --> 00:39:39.943
Like joy.

00:39:39.943 --> 00:39:46.103
Everywhere Joy has lived, she has been the one that has helped to build the community around her.

00:39:46.103 --> 00:39:54.195
Like you know, like joy is and I think the reason why I hesitate at saying that joy is direct is because she prioritizes harmony.

00:39:54.739 --> 00:40:06.400

Talks With Middle Adults: Triggers in Friendships, Insecurity in Leadership, Diverse Personalities, Transitions, and Powerful Memories

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