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May 21, 2024

Talks With Middle Adults: Unlearning Singleness and Relationships...Let's Talk About It

Talks With Middle Adults: Unlearning Singleness and Relationships...Let's Talk About It
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We're peeling back the veil on the transformative process of holding a mirror to ourselves, whether we're single, mingling, or deeply entwined in partnership. Through candid tales and introspective musings, we explore the often-unspoken challenges of accountability in relationships, the myth of the 'simple' single life, and the profound impact of aligning with someone who cherishes our most authentic self.

As we wrap this episode, we extend an invitation: join us in embracing the raw, the real, and the truly Godly aspects of ourselves and those we love. From the harmony of contrasts to the red flags that signal when to stay or go, we're charting the course for genuine connections and self-discovery. It's about more than just finding 'the one'—it's about becoming the one you've been searching for all along. So, let's share stories, unlearn together, and attract the kind of love that celebrates us for who we are, unabridged and unapologetically ourselves.

Chapters

00:05 - Navigating Relationships and Family Dynamics

11:23 - Reflecting on Unlearning in Relationships

18:14 - Struggling With Accountability in Relationships

24:20 - Navigating Relationships and Self-Reflection

36:26 - Private vs Public Self in Relationships

49:34 - Godly Man Redefinition

53:41 - Recognizing Exits and Embracing Growth

01:04:42 - Embracing Authenticity in Relationships

01:14:23 - Unlearning and Finding Yourself in Relationships

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:05.809 --> 00:00:09.316
hello everybody and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.

00:00:09.316 --> 00:00:34.570
I'm your host, ruth abigail aka ra hi, friends, it's your girl jaquita and this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience a little bit more freedom, and you just got a couple of middle adults here talking about our experience from going from our twenties to now.

00:00:34.570 --> 00:00:39.484
We, just a little further along, want to give you a little bit of what we've unlearned you know what.

00:00:39.484 --> 00:00:40.326
I mean.

00:00:40.887 --> 00:00:41.970
Listen, listen.

00:00:41.970 --> 00:00:47.442
That's what we're doing out here living, learning and trying to share a little along the way.

00:00:47.442 --> 00:00:49.706
That's all just a little bit.

00:00:49.945 --> 00:00:50.908
That's it a little bit.

00:00:50.908 --> 00:00:52.932
Yeah, I so quita.

00:00:52.932 --> 00:01:08.165
I heard, um, there was something uh that I heard recently around like the most impactful decades of your life and apparently studies have shown that the most impactful decade of your life and apparently studies have shown that the most impactful decade of your life is actually your sixties.

00:01:08.165 --> 00:01:09.847
You know?

00:01:09.908 --> 00:01:12.293
let me tell you something I cause.

00:01:12.293 --> 00:01:23.766
You know I love studying generations right, and people in their sixties are like intense on, these are the best years of my life, like for real.

00:01:24.128 --> 00:01:45.965
I have heard them say bump the 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, the 60s is where it's at, like seriously 10 out of 10, I understand that, and I've sensed that I was with a couple of people who were in their 60s the other day, and so, anyway, well, you know my crew, you remember my crew.

00:01:46.522 --> 00:01:47.959
Oh, gosh Penny Janet Lois.

00:01:48.340 --> 00:01:50.323
Lois, yeah, amazing.

00:01:50.323 --> 00:01:52.727
Yeah, yeah, yeah, anybody named Lois.

00:01:52.727 --> 00:01:54.402
Hey, we love all the Loises out there.

00:01:54.402 --> 00:01:57.677
We love you, shout out to the Loises man, I appreciate.

00:01:58.100 --> 00:02:01.665
Loises I miss them Penny, janet Lois and Karen.

00:02:01.665 --> 00:02:06.209
We used to have a good time going over there playing sequence.

00:02:06.209 --> 00:02:18.747
I mean a fantastic time okay, I forgot about that it's hilarious, I love it and uh, so I definitely.

00:02:19.106 --> 00:02:37.557
um, you know, I really wanted to say that because I think that you know, this is really us doing what we're doing now, like reflecting on unlearning in our 20s and kind of get into our 30s.

00:02:37.557 --> 00:02:53.330
It's such a like hearing that statistic really just put in perspective where we really are, and it's like yo, we have so much further to go, yeah, and I'm very grateful for that, but it's, you know, it's never too early to reach back, you know it's never too early, it's not, it's never.

00:02:53.389 --> 00:02:56.763
It's never too soon to give back to the people right.

00:02:58.384 --> 00:03:06.514
Each one reach one each one reach one.

00:03:06.514 --> 00:03:10.258
I'm 100 here for that yeah, so you know that's that's.

00:03:10.258 --> 00:03:11.502
That's what we're trying to do here, folks.

00:03:11.502 --> 00:03:25.292
We're just trying to give back to our folks that are a couple of like one decade behind us, and somebody give back to us too, because we don't know what we're doing out here, you know, is there a person in their 40s or 50s who wants to mentor me?

00:03:25.580 --> 00:03:29.828
you know, I mean, here I am here, I am here, I am right.

00:03:30.188 --> 00:03:32.633
So, anyway, that's what we're doing.

00:03:32.633 --> 00:03:50.611
So, uh, if you know anyone that is um coming up in their in their 20s and kind of getting into this adult world and want to kind of hear from people who are not too far behind them and may be able to help out a little bit, uh, well you know, send them this, uh, this podcast.

00:03:50.611 --> 00:03:53.203
I think that they might uh benefit from it.

00:03:53.203 --> 00:03:57.932
Share and like and comment, um, so that we can get this thing out here y'all.

00:03:57.932 --> 00:03:59.662
So, anyway, quita, how was your week?

00:04:02.645 --> 00:04:03.526
what is today?

00:04:03.526 --> 00:04:07.211
Today is a random day in May honey.

00:04:07.353 --> 00:04:07.772
All right.

00:04:08.454 --> 00:04:10.260
We are out here living in these streets.

00:04:10.260 --> 00:04:11.484
I have a little break.

00:04:11.484 --> 00:04:24.305
I'm in a PhD program, friends, so I literally have a two week break between the end of spring to the beginning of my summer class, which starts next week, and I'm kind of upset about it, but yeah.

00:04:24.305 --> 00:04:29.612
So by the time you guys hear this, I will be full blown in classes.

00:04:29.612 --> 00:04:32.276
But it's going to be all right and we're going to be all right.

00:04:32.276 --> 00:04:37.952
I'm taking a higher ed finance this semester, which really sounds appetizing.

00:04:37.952 --> 00:04:45.567
Really does not sound exciting at all, but I'm hoping that I'll learn something useful.

00:04:45.567 --> 00:04:47.733
How about you, friend?

00:04:47.733 --> 00:04:48.259
How was your week?

00:04:50.483 --> 00:04:51.165
That's good.

00:04:51.165 --> 00:05:06.372
So we just got finished with our Angel Street Spring Concert, which was amazing and if you ever put on an event or a show, you know that it is all in experience and so we took a little break.

00:05:06.372 --> 00:05:24.711
So the last couple of days have been kind of down days, which have been nice, and we're about to jump into summer I think by the time y'all are here, y'all will hear this I'm gonna be smack in the uh, middle of summer programming and uh, so we're gonna have kids that we're with every day.

00:05:24.711 --> 00:05:25.552
That's going to be fun.

00:05:25.552 --> 00:05:28.744
Come on, shout out for the summer programs out there.

00:05:28.744 --> 00:05:31.432
It's important, you're needed, you're needed.

00:05:31.432 --> 00:05:37.990
So that's what we're doing, and so we're trying to get ready for that.

00:05:38.040 --> 00:05:39.841
The harvest is plentiful.

00:05:39.841 --> 00:05:41.182
It is bro.

00:05:41.461 --> 00:05:42.783
It is Get out here and work.

00:05:42.783 --> 00:05:44.964
It's crazy out here.

00:05:45.045 --> 00:05:49.007
I've done a couple of summer programs and worked with a couple of organizations.

00:05:49.007 --> 00:06:06.759
If you have the capacity, go work with young people in some capacity during the summer, because one they need us, they need to see us, they need to hear from us, they need our example, they need our example, they need our representation.

00:06:06.759 --> 00:06:15.975
Like go work in some way with young people, whether that's giving a motivational speech somewhere, teaching a workshop, volunteering with your church or with an organization.

00:06:15.975 --> 00:06:18.464
Just pop up at a community center, don't pop up.

00:06:18.464 --> 00:06:26.151
They got security, but you know, like a range, spend time and a range giving back to young people.

00:06:26.151 --> 00:06:31.632
Because I think it's immensely important for us to stay connected to who got next.

00:06:31.632 --> 00:06:37.831
And you're going to want those connections because they are the ones who inform how we do.

00:06:37.831 --> 00:06:55.197
The work that we do and that's in every organization in every industry is going to be informed by who's coming next and if you don't get around them, that's how your organization dies out, because we're not keeping the voices of the youth in our organizations.

00:06:55.519 --> 00:06:59.362
It's so crazy because I was literally and this is not what we're talking about today y'all it's not.

00:06:59.403 --> 00:07:05.420
It's not at all the topic public, but, but.

00:07:05.440 --> 00:07:13.850
But I was just in a in a community meeting today and most of the people in the meeting had to be 60 plus, at least 50 plus, and at some point we started talking about the, uh, the youth, and it's like we got to do something for the youth at all.

00:07:13.850 --> 00:07:25.992
Is everybody's trying to do something for the youth and the reality is it's going to be hard to do something if you don't know them and like, and so you know you, you it's important, you know, get in there, man, like it's, because we don't, we, we always have something to say.

00:07:25.992 --> 00:07:39.545
You know the old adage you know people won't know, won't care what you know until they know that you care and we want you know, we have all these things we want to say to young people.

00:07:39.545 --> 00:07:49.447
We want them to know, but we don't want to, we don't, we don't, we don't take the time for them to get to know us so that they care.

00:07:49.447 --> 00:07:51.574
So you know, um you know.

00:07:51.613 --> 00:07:58.951
What I think is really significant, though, is that, like our communities are built on families, and I believe look at that.

00:07:59.012 --> 00:07:59.312
Look at that.

00:07:59.312 --> 00:07:59.752
Wait a minute.

00:07:59.752 --> 00:08:02.148
I just have to point this out y'all, because that was that right there.

00:08:02.148 --> 00:08:03.050
That's what we call a segue.

00:08:03.050 --> 00:08:05.084
That's what we call a segue.

00:08:05.084 --> 00:08:06.668
That's what we call a segue.

00:08:06.668 --> 00:08:07.572
Come on, segue us.

00:08:07.572 --> 00:08:07.752
Quina.

00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:15.608
And now for our topic.

00:08:16.028 --> 00:08:16.850
Take notes people.

00:08:17.129 --> 00:08:18.091
That was smooth.

00:08:18.091 --> 00:08:21.161
I don't care what y'all say, that was smooth.

00:08:21.182 --> 00:08:23.951
She took her time and she just wheezed on in there.

00:08:23.951 --> 00:08:24.947
She said what can I?

00:08:25.129 --> 00:08:27.701
do the building blocks of society?

00:08:27.822 --> 00:08:48.726
Okay, but no, but seriously, you know, like all of the things that we like deal with in our jobs, like I think it all can be, it can all come back to family and the relationships that we saw in the home and what we've had to unlearn, based off of how we grew up about, you know, some experiences that we've had on our own, like relationships.

00:08:48.787 --> 00:09:02.173
The relationships that you have in your twenties will define how you build that family unit in your thirties, and I think that that is ultimately what has the most impact on the community is how we are building families.

00:09:02.553 --> 00:09:41.961
And I tell people all the time you know, as you know, a 30 something year old who you know is still in these single streets I tell people all the time that I really feel, like you know, that like a generation of us was kind of held back a little bit because there were just some lessons that we needed to learn so that we could become healthier, so that we could have more wisdom and insight to enter into healthier relationships and marriages, and so that we would have more information and wisdom to pass down to these people in their 20s who are just learning what it means to date relationships, friendships, all of that I feel like.

00:09:41.961 --> 00:09:59.149
Because I didn't get married in my 20s, I have a wealth of knowledge, wisdom, information, experience, perspective that I think has given us just kind of like a platform to be able to pour into young people in this area.

00:10:01.033 --> 00:10:06.876
Yeah, that was an excellent introduction into this topic, excellent totally off the cuff.

00:10:06.898 --> 00:10:08.943
This is, this is what you pay me, the big bucks.

00:10:09.163 --> 00:10:10.086
That's talent boy.

00:10:10.086 --> 00:10:12.331
I'm telling you she, she owned it, she and her bag.

00:10:12.331 --> 00:10:15.764
So, uh, that this is uh.

00:10:15.764 --> 00:10:24.945
So we're gonna talk about relationships and I, I think this is a and and I think it's important, uh, you know to to what you said, queda.

00:10:24.945 --> 00:10:40.514
It is like relationships are the building block of our society and it is, and family, I think, is the building block, but family doesn't mean family does not have to mean at all times, marriage and kids.

00:10:40.919 --> 00:10:46.783
Family can be extended kids Family can be extended family.

00:10:46.783 --> 00:10:52.340
You know, um you, you know you don't have to have that package in order to have um the, in order to have the building blocks for healthy community.

00:10:52.340 --> 00:10:59.673
Right, I think that's important, especially um, as people are getting married a lot later.

00:10:59.673 --> 00:11:04.351
So it's like, hey, if that's um getting married and having children later, I'll say both of those.

00:11:04.351 --> 00:11:18.886
And if, if that's a requirement, right, if we we operate like that's a requirement for for, uh, having a healthy society, then we all going to be pretty unhealthy for a while because it's not happening as quickly as it has in the past.

00:11:18.886 --> 00:11:23.369
So there must be something more to it, right, and I think that is, uh.

00:11:23.369 --> 00:11:38.981
What we want to talk about is like what kind of the way we've unlearned, what we've unlearned through these different seasons in our lives, whether it be singleness or relationships or both, from our twenties to our thirties and what that, what that looks like.

00:11:39.682 --> 00:11:41.246
Yeah, no, for real.

00:11:41.246 --> 00:11:46.249
I like what you said, Cause I just remembered that my family is just me sitting in this house right now.

00:11:46.249 --> 00:11:53.573
Yeah, but I also think that, like the way that I have related in, friendship has a lot to do.

00:11:53.639 --> 00:11:53.879
Yeah.

00:11:54.100 --> 00:12:03.072
Friendship, mentorship, the way that I relate to the people on my job, the way that I relate to people in my church family.

00:12:03.072 --> 00:12:10.410
I just think that you know, like it has, it is all developed by relationships, just in general.

00:12:11.011 --> 00:12:13.303
Yes, so Queda.

00:12:13.303 --> 00:12:17.592
So what we've done is we've just kind of reflecting on.

00:12:17.592 --> 00:12:18.403
What we've learned.

00:12:18.403 --> 00:12:31.965
Y'all is that we do better with lists, we do better with some sort of structure, something you know, know, written down, and both of us like to talk off the cuff, but we also realize that that may not always be beneficial for y'all.

00:12:31.965 --> 00:12:40.552
So we have prepared some things I'm so proud I am so proud of us.

00:12:40.552 --> 00:12:44.059
I am too, I think we did good and we did it before today.

00:12:44.642 --> 00:12:50.623
We actually had it before we got to the recording, which is like big steps for us.

00:12:50.643 --> 00:12:52.482
Let's just name that.

00:12:52.482 --> 00:12:54.049
You know what I mean it is.

00:12:54.049 --> 00:12:55.823
I'm proud of me.

00:12:56.546 --> 00:12:57.369
I'm proud of me, boy.

00:12:57.369 --> 00:13:00.586
I had this like three days ago.

00:13:01.500 --> 00:13:04.748
Rich Abigail does tend to be ahead of me, not even going to lie.

00:13:04.748 --> 00:13:09.547
Yeah, no, shout out to you RA.

00:13:09.547 --> 00:13:11.044
Thank you, and I never call you RA.

00:13:11.741 --> 00:13:12.166
You don't.

00:13:12.206 --> 00:13:13.962
That was weird Cut.

00:13:13.962 --> 00:13:20.744
Shout out to you, ruth Abigail, for being on top of the game, you know, and making me feel like I can't be a slacker.

00:13:20.744 --> 00:13:28.746
You know, when your friends stop slacking you, you gotta pick your game up.

00:13:28.928 --> 00:13:29.635
And you know what?

00:13:29.635 --> 00:13:32.308
We haven't done this yet, but we gotta give a shout out to our producer.

00:13:32.802 --> 00:13:35.746
Man shout out to producer Joy y'all.

00:13:36.480 --> 00:13:40.923
Because she keeps us in line and she is really the reason.

00:13:40.943 --> 00:13:41.886
A rod and a staff.

00:13:42.419 --> 00:13:43.986
She got a rod and a staff.

00:13:43.986 --> 00:13:50.431
Oh boy, and if you don't, if you haven't read the Bible in a few years, you don't know what that means, and so that's okay.

00:13:50.431 --> 00:13:52.745
That's okay, a rod and a staff.

00:13:53.025 --> 00:13:54.710
Everybody know what you got the idea.

00:13:54.710 --> 00:13:57.243
I bet you get the gist what a rod sound like.

00:13:57.243 --> 00:13:58.065
That's what Joy got.

00:13:58.065 --> 00:14:00.312
Okay, they know what that means.

00:14:06.840 --> 00:14:08.825
Oh man, oh man, okay, all right, anyway, we're gonna get back to this topic.

00:14:08.825 --> 00:14:10.168
So, um, yeah, you probably should.

00:14:10.168 --> 00:14:12.373
Um, so what?

00:14:12.373 --> 00:14:26.335
What we've done is we've prepared some things that we have unlearned in regards to relationships and and singleness, from our 20s and our 30s.

00:14:26.335 --> 00:14:34.532
From our 20s, that kind of has landed us where we are in our 30s, which I think we're both in pretty good places most of the time.

00:14:34.532 --> 00:14:36.503
Let's be real, it's not always great.

00:14:36.884 --> 00:14:38.166
I give myself an 83.

00:14:38.166 --> 00:14:40.929
Okay, not bad.

00:14:40.929 --> 00:14:42.753
83 to 90.

00:14:49.620 --> 00:14:49.760
not bad.

00:14:49.760 --> 00:14:50.684
83, 83 to 90, you know.

00:14:50.684 --> 00:14:51.346
Okay, all right, b plus to a minus.

00:14:51.346 --> 00:14:52.049
Yeah, b plus a minus, b plus a minus.

00:14:52.049 --> 00:14:52.491
I think that's great.

00:14:52.491 --> 00:14:53.395
I think that's great exactly where I am.

00:14:53.395 --> 00:14:54.559
I think that's probably where I'd be too.

00:14:54.559 --> 00:15:10.048
Most of the time it's like, hey, that's just kind of where it is so slightly above average, slightly above average, and so, um, I think that we're just going to got to go through some of the things we've unlearned, so, and we'll just talk about it.

00:15:10.048 --> 00:15:12.125
So, queda, I'm going to kick it to you.

00:15:12.125 --> 00:15:12.866
Why don't you start?

00:15:13.389 --> 00:15:29.083
OK, all right, so I'm going to start with this one, because I feel like this one is the one that it was one of my biggest lessons, and this came from relationships, situationships.

00:15:29.083 --> 00:15:30.067
Y'all know how it goes.

00:15:30.067 --> 00:15:40.529
You know it'd be real hard to find this stuff out here in these streets, but I wrote that real reflection will bring more accountability than blame.

00:15:40.529 --> 00:15:43.254
Yeah, thank y'all.

00:15:43.254 --> 00:15:45.101
I was waiting for Ruth Abigail to like to hype me up.

00:15:45.101 --> 00:15:46.269
No, go ahead and let that sit for a minute.

00:15:46.288 --> 00:15:47.658
Yeah, thank you, I was waiting for Ruth Abigail to hype me up.

00:15:47.658 --> 00:15:47.940
No, go ahead.

00:15:47.980 --> 00:15:49.265
And let that sit for a minute.

00:15:49.620 --> 00:15:53.046
Listen, more accountability than blame.

00:15:53.046 --> 00:16:03.066
And I can remember in certain things coming to an end, sometimes a jolting end.

00:16:03.066 --> 00:16:07.206
They were never soft landingsings like, oh, we just floated away.

00:16:07.206 --> 00:16:16.504
They were like I'm sorry, what, right, right, right, you did what.

00:16:16.504 --> 00:16:28.346
But I remember spending so much time thinking well, if they would have just did this and if he would have just did this, and he said this, said that, said that, and then that's what set me off.

00:16:28.346 --> 00:16:33.052
And if he would have X, y and Z, and why couldn't he just see me?

00:16:33.052 --> 00:16:35.668
Why couldn't he just prize me?

00:16:35.668 --> 00:16:38.649
Why couldn't he just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

00:16:39.260 --> 00:16:44.129
And I spent a long time in that area of blame.

00:16:44.129 --> 00:16:54.261
And you know, blame is really loud in your mind, right, like it is like blasting out.

00:16:54.261 --> 00:16:56.707
But accountability is like she like creeping over, she like excuse me, hey girl, excuse me.

00:16:56.707 --> 00:16:58.191
You know she real polite.

00:16:58.191 --> 00:17:00.061
She's like I see you.

00:17:00.061 --> 00:17:01.701
All right, you're not ready to hear me.

00:17:02.322 --> 00:17:31.270
And it wasn't until, like my emotions, my emotions died down a little bit that I was able to see me, versus seeing what the other person did is in our work relationships, you know anything where you are facing any sort of conflict or where you're facing any sort of confrontation.

00:17:31.270 --> 00:17:57.250
You know we spend a lot of time stressing about how to confront other people, but not as much time about how we got, how we have to confront ourselves, and that was something that I really had to learn was okay, jaquita, before you spend all this time blaming this other person for blah blah, blah blah, where did you contribute to kind of the breakdown?

00:17:57.250 --> 00:18:00.410
Where did you contribute to the breakdown in communication?

00:18:00.410 --> 00:18:08.213
Where did you contribute to the breakdown in trust, or the breakdown of vulnerability or the breakdown of honesty?

00:18:08.213 --> 00:18:12.570
You know, identify what broke and then figure out how you contributed to it.

00:18:14.542 --> 00:18:17.230
Do you find that that is a harder?

00:18:17.230 --> 00:18:22.431
Who do you think has a hard time with that?

00:18:22.431 --> 00:18:22.932
Men or women?

00:18:24.760 --> 00:18:34.465
You know what low key, low key, low key say it out loud.

00:18:34.726 --> 00:18:39.574
Say it out loud I feel like I feel like I have learned.

00:18:39.574 --> 00:18:53.269
I work with a lot of men of varying ages and men are like, really good at being able to like, kind of like identify what went wrong and why and move on past it.

00:18:53.269 --> 00:19:05.134
But I think that, uh, and I don't want to generalize too much, but I do feel like sometimes women can have okay, I just had a thought.

00:19:05.134 --> 00:19:19.998
I think that it's also because women process in community and so, like you got other people, as you're telling the story from your point of view now all of your friends are all like, oh, no, child, he ain't this, he ain't da, da, da, da.

00:19:19.998 --> 00:19:27.844
And then we get all hyped up because we got a parade of voices like girl, you, you're right, you're good, you're right, you're good.

00:19:27.844 --> 00:19:31.353
And I feel like men process things generally.

00:19:31.353 --> 00:19:32.843
This is very generally speaking.

00:19:32.843 --> 00:19:43.952
Are our process things more alone or internally, not all men, but just generally, and I think that they're able to come to these conclusions sometimes a little bit faster.

00:19:43.952 --> 00:19:48.329
I feel like they might be a little bit more decisive about these things too.

00:19:49.451 --> 00:20:01.256
I'm sorry, when I thought about like processing in community, like Risa Tisa, like with her 50 or 51 episodes, like inviting us all in.

00:20:01.256 --> 00:20:02.506
I did watch a couple of them.

00:20:02.506 --> 00:20:04.567
I was like, oh girl, wait, what Say what?

00:20:04.567 --> 00:20:08.289
I'm really trying to perfect that pretending to be on the phone thing.

00:20:08.289 --> 00:20:09.923
Like how did he do that?

00:20:09.923 --> 00:20:13.571
For like two years this man pretended to be on the phone and you never knew.

00:20:13.571 --> 00:20:21.809
But you know, like we, we process like that, like we're like bringing bringing the, bringing the people.

00:20:21.809 --> 00:20:29.384
Like I want to hear the voices of the people in regards to my situation, where you know that's my reflection, what's yours?

00:20:31.529 --> 00:20:33.445
Yeah, I think it's just very much.

00:20:34.082 --> 00:20:57.542
Women struggle with accountability, and I think that one of the reasons is because we are I think there's just recently this when think we've, I think we've there's there's just recently this I said when I said recently, maybe the next 20, 30, 40 years, this, um, you know, the female empowerment movement, which I think has 90%, has been good.

00:20:58.304 --> 00:21:12.689
Um, some of that, though, has kind of swung the pendulum that's made, you know, women the hero and men the enemy in a lot of ways, and so, um, I think we have to balance that out.

00:21:12.689 --> 00:21:25.611
Like women mess up too, we mess up a lot and we don't always take responsibility for the actions sometimes of of how we contribute to the breakdown of relationships, and I think that we have had this.

00:21:25.611 --> 00:21:37.529
Like we have to overcompensate, I think, for what has been, for being suppressed for so long, which we absolutely have been as a gender in the world.

00:21:37.529 --> 00:21:45.786
But that doesn't mean that you get to excuse behaviors, and that's just real, like straight straight up.

00:21:45.786 --> 00:21:58.325
So I just think we struggle with it, and I'm not saying men don't either, but I do think that in this culture, we give women permission to blame men for stuff.

00:21:58.766 --> 00:22:15.553
Yeah, and I'm gonna say also, because I think that a lot of those responses are coming from real experiences of neglect, of possibly some sort of like, some sort of relationship issues.

00:22:15.553 --> 00:22:35.737
I don't want to say abuse, but like, sometimes, like it is like you, you are triggered and it does take a moment for man or woman, it takes a moment to kind of retreat, away from being triggered and like re-approaching, you know, a situation and seeing it from a balanced perspective.

00:22:36.140 --> 00:23:15.605
But yeah, accountability, I think, is just hard in general because it requires you backing away from your right to be right and you have to be able to step back from that and say, even if I was right, in some instances I contributed to things going wrong, and I think it makes you a better leader, not just a better relationship partner or a better friend, but it makes you a better leader to be able to see where, okay, I contributed to what went wrong, and I think that you should always, in every situation, be able to do that.

00:23:15.605 --> 00:23:29.270
It was just something I unlearned in relationships and I remember the moment and you know, usually in relationships I'm also like, very like, and I remember the moment and, you know, usually in relationships I'm also like, very like, like, if you leave me too long, I'm going to write a sermon about what happened.

00:23:29.270 --> 00:23:31.814
Like in my mind, like I got a word for it.

00:23:31.814 --> 00:23:36.184
I'm like, oh, oh, okay, oh, you want to play with me?

00:23:36.184 --> 00:23:41.059
Well, let me tell you, I spoke to Jesus and he gave me a little metaphor.

00:23:45.019 --> 00:23:46.587
He gave me a little and I promise you the next time you approach me.

00:23:46.587 --> 00:23:46.828
I got, I got.

00:23:46.828 --> 00:23:48.498
And then the Lord had to be like yeah, that sounded real good, didn't it?

00:23:48.498 --> 00:23:50.365
It felt real good, let me show you you.

00:23:50.365 --> 00:23:57.528
And I was like oh, oh, because I thought, because you gave the Lord, gave me understanding about the situation, that I was in the clear.

00:23:57.528 --> 00:23:59.708
And the Lord was like nah, but thank you.

00:23:59.708 --> 00:24:01.721
Nah, now here's your word.

00:24:01.721 --> 00:24:02.563
And I'd be like oh, and accountability?

00:24:02.563 --> 00:24:03.143
No, now here's your word.

00:24:03.143 --> 00:24:05.705
And accountability stings way worse than that blame.

00:24:06.567 --> 00:24:07.107
Absolutely.

00:24:07.107 --> 00:24:13.476
That's why we don't want to do it, and I'll kind of in that same vein.

00:24:13.476 --> 00:24:31.839
One of the things that I've had to unlearn is that and accountability is a big reason for this is that one status, meaning singleness, uh, versus being in a in a relationship, is not easier than the other.

00:24:31.839 --> 00:24:46.819
And because when you, when you have you know, when you've decided that you're going to become one with another individual, that mirror is a lot clearer than when you was by yourself.

00:24:46.819 --> 00:24:51.049
You start seeing more of who you really are more often.

00:24:51.049 --> 00:24:56.609
And you have to, you have to deal with that, and if you don't deal with it, you're going to end up back where you came from, which is being single.

00:24:56.609 --> 00:24:57.843
That's just the reality.

00:24:59.046 --> 00:25:11.323
Yeah, I'm for real, like I'm just saying like I know I could be a little say it with your full chest and I will and will.

00:25:11.323 --> 00:25:15.092
Ruth said you're gonna end up back where you came from if you don't start looking at yourself now.

00:25:15.092 --> 00:25:19.145
It's the truth now you better do it.

00:25:19.145 --> 00:25:21.391
We're here to tell the truth no, because you can't.

00:25:21.431 --> 00:25:29.560
You can't keep, you can't keep ignoring the parts of yourself that need to be refined when you have another human who has to deal with you every day.

00:25:30.101 --> 00:25:30.422
Yeah.

00:25:31.403 --> 00:25:32.404
And and and.

00:25:32.404 --> 00:25:34.669
So I do think that.

00:25:34.669 --> 00:25:38.580
So one status is not easier than the other, I think.

00:25:38.580 --> 00:25:45.884
I think there is this uh underlying narrative that life gets easier with a partner, and it's not true.

00:25:46.003 --> 00:25:46.786
It's not an, not either.

00:25:46.905 --> 00:25:49.171
It's not a household baby.

00:25:49.171 --> 00:25:51.021
It's right, right.

00:25:51.021 --> 00:26:05.314
Yeah, you know we can share stuff and I ain't got to do everything and all this stuff, yeah, all that that might, yes, and there are going to be moments where you do have to do everything and, honestly, that can feel worse because you're actually looking at somebody.

00:26:05.334 --> 00:26:19.686
It's not just your everything anymore, you know you know, and I've been the person on the other end, where I'm the one sitting down and he's the one doing everything because I don't I don't either have the energy or the time or whatever, and vice versa.

00:26:19.686 --> 00:26:32.548
So, like there is um there, there's, there's realities to to the situation on both ends, and I think that that's something I've had to unlearn is like don't glorify one over another.

00:26:32.548 --> 00:26:34.092
They both are difficult.

00:26:34.092 --> 00:26:35.241
They have their difficult moments.

00:26:35.241 --> 00:26:38.048
They have their beautiful moments and their difficult moments.

00:26:38.048 --> 00:26:42.605
Um, and, and that's so anyway, what do you think?

00:26:43.145 --> 00:26:52.933
No, I definitely feel like that's something that like I even though I'm not in a relationship that I've started to unlearn is that like marriage will be easier.

00:26:52.933 --> 00:26:54.846
Like that, I like that.

00:26:54.846 --> 00:26:58.259
Once this person gets here, I often think about it when I'm cooking.

00:26:58.259 --> 00:27:00.709
I'm like man because I like to cook.

00:27:00.709 --> 00:27:03.579
But who in the world likes to wash these dishes?

00:27:03.579 --> 00:27:10.364
And I'm, I mean, I'd be in there like man and when I get married it's gonna be somebody to wash the dishes.

00:27:10.364 --> 00:27:17.884
But and also there's another person to feed, like you know, and my little and you know, I I cook.

00:27:17.884 --> 00:27:21.958
I can cook one big meal and it lasts me three, four days.

00:27:21.958 --> 00:27:24.143
You know I'm saying now it's another person.

00:27:24.143 --> 00:27:25.665
I'm like oh, I gotta, I got to.

00:27:25.665 --> 00:27:27.490
Oh, oh, you require more.

00:27:27.490 --> 00:27:29.074
Oh, you're still hungry.

00:27:30.061 --> 00:27:31.259
Oh, oh, oh, yeah, oh.

00:27:31.259 --> 00:27:33.669
So you get up in the middle of night and you eat food at 3 am.

00:27:33.669 --> 00:27:35.545
Oh you better go back to sleep.

00:27:35.545 --> 00:27:36.828
Oh no, Wait a minute.

00:27:36.828 --> 00:27:44.086
Hold on, don't be getting about this bed eating at 10 o'clock it was here, and seven o'clock in the morning is gone.

00:27:44.086 --> 00:27:46.509
Oh, we don't have dinner tonight, like I thought we was.

00:27:46.509 --> 00:27:47.911
Oh, I got to cook again.

00:27:47.911 --> 00:27:49.673
I'm sorry, that's just my own.

00:27:49.732 --> 00:28:06.616
No, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to trigger you, but you know like we, you know like you have these romanticized moments where you know like you're sitting on the couch and you're imagining you know your husband there and you're like, oh, this is going to be so great until he don't want to watch what you want to watch.

00:28:06.616 --> 00:28:12.209
You know he's trying to turn it to his end and it's like, no baby, this is us was on.

00:28:12.209 --> 00:28:13.791
I don't know what you're doing.

00:28:13.791 --> 00:28:15.201
You know I like the rookie.

00:28:15.201 --> 00:28:16.846
Okay, the rookie is my show.

00:28:16.846 --> 00:28:21.161
If you turn it off the rookie, we gonna have some problems.

00:28:21.161 --> 00:28:26.667
Well, in here, okay, like, but you know like we don't ever we you get.

00:28:26.667 --> 00:28:37.333
There's a point, especially in your 20s, where you are literally romanticizing what this will be like, like, oh, he will hold my hand, what if his hands are cold all the time?

00:28:37.333 --> 00:28:38.901
You know like.

00:28:38.901 --> 00:28:40.766
You know like we don't.

00:28:40.766 --> 00:28:43.992
We don't ever bow, we don't balance it out.

00:28:43.992 --> 00:28:52.063
But I also think it's important if you are in your 20s and you are desiring to be married, you are desiring to find your person.

00:28:52.503 --> 00:28:57.394
Spend time, spend one, spend time with married people.

00:28:57.394 --> 00:28:59.507
Spend time learning from their story.

00:28:59.507 --> 00:29:05.065
Spend time, especially if you are a woman spend time with wives, man spend time with husbands.

00:29:05.065 --> 00:29:12.568
Like, spend time learning and kind of gleaning from their experience, especially a newlywed, because they, they learn it on the go.

00:29:12.568 --> 00:29:15.789
You know, get them lessons as they go, just catch the crumb.

00:29:15.789 --> 00:29:16.875
Excuse me, let me get that.

00:29:16.875 --> 00:29:19.082
I need that lesson, I need what you're learning right there.

00:29:19.303 --> 00:29:24.801
You know, like, like, spend time and if you don't have access, spend time observing.

00:29:24.801 --> 00:29:34.328
Like, just watch how the that you admire, watch for the things that nobody else is seeing, that no one else is paying attention to.

00:29:34.328 --> 00:29:36.252
Watch for the cost of things.

00:29:36.252 --> 00:29:42.231
Yes, she bought him his plate and that was cute, but what was the cost of that for her?

00:29:42.231 --> 00:29:45.866
What was the sacrifice of it for her and what did he gain?

00:29:45.866 --> 00:29:48.092
Why does she continue to do it?

00:29:48.372 --> 00:29:53.770
And this is not me saying that you got to make a man play, don't y'all come on here, do not come for me.

00:29:53.770 --> 00:30:15.154
I'm just saying, if you see a woman making a plate for a man, watch, watch and see how that works for their relationship, and not to say that you are going to end up doing it like they do it, but you need to know that what they are, what they are doing for each other, because that's a, that's an exchange that's happening there.

00:30:15.154 --> 00:30:19.430
What you see people doing for each other is producing a result.

00:30:19.430 --> 00:30:25.166
That's not always spoken, and so I think the biggest thing we can teach people is how to glean things.

00:30:25.166 --> 00:30:28.894
When you don't have direct access, you still need to be watching.

00:30:29.279 --> 00:30:29.681
That's right.

00:30:29.721 --> 00:30:30.442
Watch and learn.

00:30:30.442 --> 00:30:31.345
Watch and learn baby.

00:30:31.986 --> 00:30:35.421
Yeah, watch and learn, all right, what you got Queda.

00:30:36.983 --> 00:30:38.826
I'm going to shift a little bit.

00:30:38.826 --> 00:31:10.123
One thing I feel like I've just thank you for the illustration One thing that I feel like I've just recently learned is that there is a difference between being admired and adored, and this one kind of struck me, because you always, you know, I have heard people say and this is not me saying anything, but it's something that I had to learn I've heard people say that the anointing is attractive my God Right and that people get attracted to the Do they?

00:31:10.182 --> 00:31:12.346
do they put that ending on it?

00:31:12.346 --> 00:31:13.710
Hallelujah.

00:31:13.990 --> 00:31:43.001
Okay, the anointing is attractive and it, but no, seriously, when you see people who are operating in their gift and are operating in their gift at a high capacity, are they are and not even just like you know, like their center stage, you know and it's, and they're in the midst of something, but like, even as you're interacting with them on a daily basis, you know they might be counseling you, they might be guiding you in some way.

00:31:43.001 --> 00:31:48.384
You know that is that is attractive, like what God put inside of us.

00:31:48.384 --> 00:31:50.346
Is God like that?

00:31:50.346 --> 00:31:51.346
That looks good.

00:31:51.346 --> 00:31:58.070
Everything I heard I heard it on in church on Sunday that everything in God's kingdom looks like God.

00:31:58.070 --> 00:32:13.928
Right, and so if I'm in God's kingdom and I'm operating and I'm on kingdom business, all right, and God is working in me, then that what God is doing in me looks like God and God is beautiful, glorious, magnificent splendor.

00:32:13.928 --> 00:32:25.586
You know, all of that is attractive and it took me a while to be able to distinguish between the people who were there, because they were admiring something in me.

00:32:25.586 --> 00:32:28.211
They were pulling at something in me.

00:32:28.211 --> 00:32:32.087
They had a need and they saw something in me that fit the need.

00:32:32.087 --> 00:32:47.288
It took a minute for me and them to be honest, to be able to distinguish what's pulling you like, what got you here to this moment, and it's, I think it always starts with admiration.

00:32:47.388 --> 00:32:55.767
Right, that's how we approach a beautiful painting, thank you, right, that's how we approach you know something?

00:32:55.767 --> 00:33:01.736
A sunset nature, you know anything that you find, you know just, beautiful and captivating.

00:33:01.736 --> 00:33:03.082
That's how we approach it.

00:33:03.082 --> 00:33:05.046
We approach it with admiration.

00:33:05.046 --> 00:33:08.532
But adoration will bring about responsibility.

00:33:08.532 --> 00:33:24.904
It will bring about a need to provide for that thing, a need to take care of that thing, a need to do more, like you want to, you want to, uh, you want to invest, right, when you adore something, admiration does not come with investment.

00:33:25.326 --> 00:33:28.452
I love to go to museums, I love museums.

00:33:28.452 --> 00:33:36.169
I literally go in there and I can stare at a painting for like ever and be like, oh my God, the way they did this brushstroke, and I can admire it.

00:33:36.169 --> 00:33:38.221
I'm not buying it, like.

00:33:38.221 --> 00:33:41.391
I'm not, I'm not putting money on the table for that thing.

00:33:41.391 --> 00:33:44.990
I am admiring it and I will spend time with it.

00:33:44.990 --> 00:33:47.367
I will, I will say good things about it.

00:33:47.367 --> 00:33:54.068
I'm like y'all see, this is beautiful, this is amazing the way this is set up, you know.

00:33:54.068 --> 00:34:02.848
But what's my, uh, what's my, what's my investment Right Talk about that investment, ruth Abigail.

00:34:03.089 --> 00:34:04.192
Yeah, come on investment.

00:34:04.192 --> 00:34:05.082
No, that's good.

00:34:05.082 --> 00:34:13.126
I I was sitting here thinking, when you're talking about the gift, it isn't that is really interesting.

00:34:13.126 --> 00:34:31.324
Hmm, yeah, so the gift that is displayed, whatever that might be, um, what, what you know, whatever that might be, your gift might be being an artist, your gift might be, um, working on in technology and and that's that can be really attractive when you're operating at in technology and that can be really attractive when you're operating at a high level.

00:34:31.324 --> 00:34:32.347
It becomes really attractive.

00:34:32.347 --> 00:34:43.101
But it is also one of the reasons it's attractive is because you are contributing to that person, but it's not necessarily a mutual receptive thing.

00:34:43.541 --> 00:34:52.286
And so I think that, to your point, the admiration piece is like people admire gifts because it feeds me.

00:34:52.286 --> 00:34:53.706
Your gift feeds me.

00:34:53.706 --> 00:35:01.431
It doesn't mean that I feel the need to pour back into you.

00:35:01.431 --> 00:35:07.652
Don't get it confused Right.

00:35:07.652 --> 00:35:10.175
Don't have an expectation that investment is on the way.

00:35:10.175 --> 00:35:35.681
It might not be, and so I think that when it comes to so, when it comes to kind of Understanding that kind of understanding that relationship between uh, between you and another person, I think one of the things that's important is under is knowing who you are outside of your gift.

00:35:35.681 --> 00:35:54.804
If you don't know that, then you will absolutely um mistake admiration for adoration, mistake admiration for adoration and girl and that but but but I so.

00:35:54.804 --> 00:35:58.751
So I met my husband, um, online and um I I definitely put a uh, put a plug in for online dating.

00:35:58.751 --> 00:36:03.625
Uh, for those of you that uh would be willing to be willing to do that.

00:36:04.385 --> 00:36:05.146
It's the way you meet people.

00:36:05.146 --> 00:36:06.509
But anyway, we can talk about that another day.

00:36:06.509 --> 00:36:10.896
But, um, I, I, it's, it's a good.

00:36:10.896 --> 00:36:14.681
The reason I say it's good and it's good for me, it worked for my personality.

00:36:14.681 --> 00:36:26.166
Um, the reason I say it's good is because you have an opportunity to be your full self, um, on on in that, on that platform.

00:36:26.588 --> 00:36:45.650
When I, when I met my husband, one of the things that was the most important to me was making sure that he fit me outside of my work, honestly, because I realized I just realized I am the Ruth Abigail that most people don't see 80% of the time.

00:36:45.650 --> 00:36:50.184
I need him to fit that more than I need him to fit me in public.

00:36:50.184 --> 00:36:59.210
I need him to fit me in private more than he fits me in public, because my public might change and and but my private is always going to be who I am.

00:36:59.210 --> 00:37:07.612
And if that doesn't work, if, if the majority of the way we connect is outside of the house and not in the house, it's going to be a problem.

00:37:07.612 --> 00:37:20.916
And so I think we see these model couples, and especially couples that work together and do ministry together and do business together, and they out here rocking together.

00:37:20.916 --> 00:37:26.387
That is a portion of their life and don't get it twisted.

00:37:26.387 --> 00:37:37.650
They ain't out there doing that what you see, most of the time, most of the time they're living regular life, day to day, and it's probably boring.

00:37:37.650 --> 00:37:46.182
Uh, if you can't do boring with them, they ain't for you, because most of your time going to be bored, you ain't gonna be doing nothing exciting.

00:37:46.784 --> 00:37:55.369
And so I think that was when I was kind of evaluating seriously whether or not I wanted to pursue this long-term relationship with this man.

00:37:55.369 --> 00:37:59.831
I was like man, you know how are we just in regular spaces?

00:37:59.831 --> 00:38:14.217
You know the part of me that most people don't see I am, you know who am I, and I had to really know who that was and who is he, and I had to really know, understand like, okay, yeah, he, he fits me, he fits me at the house.

00:38:14.217 --> 00:38:15.380
That helped me.

00:38:15.380 --> 00:38:21.474
Um, now again, you know both Quinn and I have very public lives in in some form or fashion.

00:38:21.474 --> 00:38:31.074
So I think that's, uh, you know, that's just a real healthy way to think about it If that's you too or something you want to pursue or you kind of see that in your future.

00:38:31.074 --> 00:38:34.005
But even if you don't necessarily have a public life.

00:38:34.005 --> 00:38:38.693
I think that the hack is how, how do we?

00:38:38.693 --> 00:38:41.527
Who am I when I'm not exciting?

00:38:41.527 --> 00:38:43.266
And does it fit?

00:38:43.266 --> 00:38:46.568
Does he or she fit me when I'm not exciting?

00:38:47.110 --> 00:38:56.048
Yeah, right, no, that's good, especially because I'm big personality, right and bubbly, bubbly, bubbly.

00:38:56.048 --> 00:38:59.730
But I, I have different modes.

00:38:59.730 --> 00:39:12.713
Like we are not high octane, you know, I'm not at a 10 all day long and I, I am actually a person that can retreat away.

00:39:12.713 --> 00:39:24.891
Like I need like refresh, recharge in order to be fully me and like can you need somebody that can support all of you and that can hold all of you?

00:39:24.891 --> 00:39:34.514
Um, and I think a lot of times again, when we're thinking about those romanticized versions of who our partners might be, like we are thinking about the public self.

00:39:34.514 --> 00:39:39.911
Like we are thinking about who can I, you know, pop up with at this event?

00:39:39.911 --> 00:39:40.782
Who can I take?

00:39:40.824 --> 00:39:41.686
to a wedding with me.

00:39:41.686 --> 00:39:42.403
Who can?

00:39:42.505 --> 00:39:44.701
I, you know, who can I take to my family, you know.

00:39:44.701 --> 00:39:50.163
But that also goes back into the knowing you and dealing with you and y'all.

00:39:50.163 --> 00:40:07.088
A lot of that happens in friendships, like a lot of you discovering how you are in any type of relationship comes from you really allowing yourself to be vulnerable and to um and to and to be changed by friendship.

00:40:07.088 --> 00:40:14.628
Like you learn how you interact with people by those that you allow in, and I just think that that's really important.

00:40:14.628 --> 00:40:17.074
So I really like that one, ruth, that was good.

00:40:17.074 --> 00:40:28.644
I was going to bring that up if you didn't, because when Ruth told me about the private versus public self, I like wrote that down oh, he need to fit my private, you know, he needs to fit my at home self, he needs to fit my quiet self.

00:40:28.644 --> 00:40:31.313
I like wrote that down Like, oh, he needs to fit my private, you know, he needs to fit my at home self.

00:40:31.313 --> 00:40:32.155
He needs to fit my quiet self.

00:40:32.155 --> 00:40:36.927
He needs to fit my, you know, and you don't, you don't want someone that is just for show.

00:40:37.588 --> 00:40:39.351
Yeah, no, no, it won't last.

00:40:39.351 --> 00:40:42.884
It won't last Cause, then you, you, you got to feel like you got to be on all the time.

00:40:43.284 --> 00:40:44.586
Yeah, we're looking for forever.

00:40:44.967 --> 00:40:46.990
Yeah, forever is a long time.

00:40:47.411 --> 00:40:47.711
Yeah.

00:40:47.931 --> 00:40:49.054
Like that's a long time.

00:40:49.054 --> 00:40:50.302
It's a long time.

00:40:50.742 --> 00:40:56.065
And when you talk about forever, you're talking about somebody that's going to be committed to the changes of you.

00:40:56.106 --> 00:41:12.532
That's right, right, I had a friend, um, and I remember um, two of my really, really close friends and, uh, when one of them had a parent pass away, I remember, you know them telling me like I had to learn my wife all over again.

00:41:12.532 --> 00:41:17.108
Like I had to, I had to walk, and you don't know what you're going to walk with.

00:41:17.108 --> 00:41:22.925
You're going to walk through life with this person, through everything, through everything.

00:41:22.925 --> 00:41:23.340
You know.

00:41:23.340 --> 00:41:29.030
I think about how college graduation changed me, about how getting new jobs changed me.

00:41:29.030 --> 00:41:29.411
You know.

00:41:29.411 --> 00:41:39.773
But there's deeper stuff is coming Right and you know, like you are, you are committing yourself to taking on all of that.

00:41:40.139 --> 00:41:53.476
So, yeah, yeah, and and in that, with a person you know, I think, because I've've had, I've had, uh, uh, two friends of mine, same thing, you know one lost a parent and it was just a whole different.

00:41:53.476 --> 00:42:08.373
It's a whole different ball game, like, it's a different person, and so, um, I think one of the other things that I've had to unlearn, and my mom helped me with this my mom used to tell us all the time I didn't date a lot, Um, really at all, Like I, I rarely dated.

00:42:08.373 --> 00:42:16.266
I had, you know, a couple of little spouts here and there, but it wasn't, I wasn't out there in these streets, and so, um, but my mom kept us safe in these streets.

00:42:16.487 --> 00:42:24.106
Not for real, but but but and I'm grateful you know cause she?

00:42:24.106 --> 00:42:32.155
She didn't want us to worry about the fact that we weren't dating all the time and she would always just encourage us, saying you only need one, you only need one.

00:42:32.155 --> 00:42:43.762
She would say that all the time and it really helped me, because one of the things that I had to unlearn, especially, you know, when you're growing up in a culture where dating people talk more about dating than they do marriage.

00:42:43.762 --> 00:42:48.860
So you feel like dating is, if you're not doing that, than they do marriage.

00:42:48.860 --> 00:42:52.106
So you feel like dating is, if you're not doing that, you're doing something wrong.

00:42:52.106 --> 00:42:53.108
And I'm pro-dating.

00:42:53.108 --> 00:42:59.885
I think dating is important as you're continuing on this road towards a long-term relationship, if that's what you want.

00:42:59.885 --> 00:43:07.952
But if that is what you want, I think it's important in the dating process to understand that you aren't dating men.

00:43:07.952 --> 00:43:13.382
You're dating a man, just the one and I.

00:43:13.382 --> 00:43:16.451
Or women, you're dating a woman.

00:43:16.451 --> 00:43:22.168
Like whichever one you're dating, you're dating that person and not the whole gender.

00:43:24.664 --> 00:43:40.365
And because what we end up doing is making these assumptions about a gender and placing them in that and then treating them like we think the gender is and not like that particular person is yeah, so we don't.

00:43:40.425 --> 00:43:41.750
we don't always get to know them.

00:43:41.750 --> 00:43:47.711
You know what I mean, and I I think that's a huge problem, like I think I we see that all the time we listen, you know.

00:43:47.711 --> 00:43:54.927
I mean we make music around that reality, right, and then we take it and we make it Bible and it's like, hey, that's not necessarily true, we're making nothing.

00:43:54.927 --> 00:43:55.367
Bible.

00:43:55.367 --> 00:43:58.364
We do, though People make that stuff Bible.

00:43:58.364 --> 00:43:59.005
You know what I mean.

00:43:59.005 --> 00:43:59.867
You know what I'm saying.

00:43:59.887 --> 00:44:01.351
I understand, go ahead.

00:44:01.351 --> 00:44:18.101
You understand, yeah, so what you think you agree?

00:44:18.101 --> 00:44:18.621
No, no, ten million percent.

00:44:18.621 --> 00:44:21.626
I remember and I also think that with that we build these assumptions of what is supposed to happen in a relationship.

00:44:21.626 --> 00:44:29.556
I remember one specific instance like I, you know, I like, I like to dress up, like I like to look cute, like I like to do a thing and I enjoy.

00:44:29.556 --> 00:44:38.407
You know, my love language is words of affirmation, and not that I'm like trying to pull compliments, I'm literally being myself.

00:44:38.407 --> 00:44:45.626
But I literally had in my mind the way that a man or someone I was dating or talking to should respond to that Right.

00:44:45.626 --> 00:44:51.940
And one person in particular was like you look nice, sir.

00:44:51.940 --> 00:44:54.405
Sir, this was an educated man.

00:44:54.405 --> 00:45:01.621
I know you got vocabulary, I know you, I know you got options, nice.

00:45:01.621 --> 00:45:04.108
And I just kept pushing the issue.

00:45:04.108 --> 00:45:08.599
I was like I look splendid, I look beautiful, I look gorgeous.

00:45:08.719 --> 00:45:10.342
I look right yeah.

00:45:10.802 --> 00:45:13.869
Yeah, like, hey, let me, you need some synonyms.

00:45:13.869 --> 00:45:25.864
Okay, um, but I remember, I remember the Lord checking me on that and being like, wait a minute, like you cannot put your expectations of how a person responds.

00:45:25.864 --> 00:45:31.393
You don't know what it took for him to, to, to give you the you look nice, you know.

00:45:31.393 --> 00:45:39.594
So then he started saying you look really nice, thanks.

00:45:40.740 --> 00:45:44.447
You got to give that to him I gave I know, no, no, no.

00:45:44.447 --> 00:45:50.322
I, like I said again, accountability, more accountability, accountability than blame.

00:45:50.322 --> 00:46:09.416
But I had to learn that, like I had to learn that, jaquita, you have built up this, you know, romanticized version of how this person that you haven't even met yet is going to respond and is going to you know, is going to act and is going to be and how he's going to orient himself and da, da, da, da, da, da, da da.

00:46:09.416 --> 00:46:12.737
And you're not allowing this person to be themselves.

00:46:12.737 --> 00:46:22.855
Yes, because you are trying to force them into a mode of who you think they should be, based off of a lot of generalizations, based off of a lot of really, really good movies.

00:46:22.855 --> 00:46:24.827
The Notebook messed us all up For real.

00:46:25.000 --> 00:46:30.403
No, let's talk about the movies that messed us up the movies man that jacked you up.

00:46:30.784 --> 00:46:38.273
That'll jack you up because you know we look back at it now we'll be like that was toxic, these ideas, and it's like, you know, like that.

00:46:38.273 --> 00:46:44.670
I just want to say this for the culture, though not too much, on love and basketball, not too much, okay, not too much.

00:46:44.670 --> 00:46:55.521
I know, I know it's problematic, I know it's problematic, very alright, it was very problematic, but it's still one of my favorite movies, but you know, but yeah, but those movies messed us up.

00:46:55.521 --> 00:47:06.364
We were just like this man is supposed to come running and you know, and take me off my feet, you know, and walk through the pouring rain.

00:47:06.364 --> 00:47:08.567
You know, like you know, jerry Maguire, you complete you know, and walk through the pouring rain.

00:47:08.567 --> 00:47:10.605
You know, like you know, jerry McGuire, you complete me.

00:47:10.605 --> 00:47:14.425
You know, girl, these men are they not?

00:47:14.425 --> 00:47:15.903
They don't they not saying that?

00:47:15.903 --> 00:47:20.449
They saying, hey, you good, you all right, right.

00:47:21.440 --> 00:47:24.425
Real parent concern that man is expressing to you.

00:47:24.425 --> 00:47:37.949
You know, I think one of the things that I heard at a recent bridal shower I was at it was know your man, know your man and don't let nobody know him better than you.

00:47:37.949 --> 00:47:42.826
You should be able to catch, you should be able to catch.

00:47:42.826 --> 00:47:51.829
I know he's smiling at y'all, but I look in his eyes and say, baby you good, I see you, I see you, I know you.

00:47:51.829 --> 00:47:55.335
You know, seek first to understand and then be understood.

00:47:55.335 --> 00:48:02.737
Baby, y'all better get out here and start trying to understand these men, women, whatever other side of the spectrum you own.

00:48:02.737 --> 00:48:06.719
You need to do some research on yours, right?

00:48:06.719 --> 00:48:09.530
You should be an expert of your partner.

00:48:09.530 --> 00:48:20.130
You should be an expert and not holding them to unrealistic standards and expectations that you built off of culture.

00:48:21.221 --> 00:48:27.827
I remember one of the things that God said to me that really kind of cut, because I was building up all these expectations in this relationship and I was like, oh well, he's going to do this and he's going to do that.

00:48:27.827 --> 00:48:33.302
Really kind of cut, because I was building up all these expectations in this relationship and I was like, oh well, he going to do this and he going to do that and we going to do this and this is how it's going to go.

00:48:33.302 --> 00:48:38.402
And the Lord said do you think I preserved you for this long for you to date the world's way?

00:48:38.402 --> 00:48:39.643
You're going to date my way?

00:48:39.643 --> 00:48:44.891
And I was like, let me tell you something.

00:48:44.891 --> 00:48:49.175
One thing about me is I'm a hear and listen to the Lord.

00:48:49.175 --> 00:48:51.202
Yes, she is Okay.

00:48:51.202 --> 00:48:52.443
That's one thing.

00:48:52.443 --> 00:48:53.945
That's one thing.

00:48:54.346 --> 00:49:06.393
And when the Lord said that, I was like okay, there's something that I've learned that I need to unlearn about dating, because everything that I've learned, I haven't learned it.

00:49:06.393 --> 00:49:10.831
Number one I haven't learned it from experience, because I didn't have a lot of experience growing up.

00:49:10.831 --> 00:49:16.789
We can talk about that at a later time, we'll go back to my childhood and stuff but I didn't have a lot of experience dating.

00:49:16.789 --> 00:49:24.568
So when I did start dating in my late twenties, early thirties, like it was, it was a, it was a a.

00:49:24.568 --> 00:49:30.476
It was a long learning experience where God was molding and shaping me in some things.

00:49:30.476 --> 00:49:34.331
And so, yeah, yeah, the things.

00:49:34.760 --> 00:49:35.442
One of the.

00:49:35.442 --> 00:49:40.411
I had a thought it's coming back, it's coming back, it's coming back.

00:49:40.411 --> 00:49:40.751
Take your time.

00:49:40.751 --> 00:49:41.554
Take your time, daughter.

00:49:41.554 --> 00:49:43.646
It's coming back.

00:49:43.719 --> 00:49:45.686
That's what they say when they try to get the track to play.

00:49:46.248 --> 00:49:51.023
Yep, yep, yep, that's what they say when they try to get the track to play.

00:49:51.023 --> 00:49:56.269
Yep, yep, yep, that's all right.

00:49:56.269 --> 00:49:57.150
I just had this.

00:49:57.150 --> 00:49:58.213
It's funerals.

00:49:58.213 --> 00:50:00.014
When that happens at funerals, that's what gets me.

00:50:00.014 --> 00:50:05.300
Anyway, I just can't handle those types of things in settings like that.

00:50:05.300 --> 00:50:07.929
So, thank you for that visual.

00:50:07.929 --> 00:50:12.965
So, yeah, we're just going to move on because it's gone, okay.

00:50:12.965 --> 00:50:21.690
So the um, one of the other things that oh wait, it's your turn, okay um well, no, I think you're.

00:50:21.791 --> 00:50:24.559
I think go ahead, it's my turn okay, I'll go.

00:50:24.920 --> 00:50:36.112
Yeah, all right, so I I think that something, something that I had to unlearn from the course of my twenties to my thirties, is what a real godly man looks like.

00:50:36.112 --> 00:50:37.340
And I just got my point.

00:50:37.340 --> 00:50:40.771
Let me go back to it real quick, cause I think it's important, and then we can go there.

00:50:40.771 --> 00:51:01.277
So one of the things that I remember, I told um, I told my husband, um, husband, that was really important to me when we were early on is this idea of really focusing on the things in that person that won't change.

00:51:01.900 --> 00:51:24.905
So the core things about who they are, the values of who they are, the character that they have, those things are who they are, right, and so it's learning that individual this is their mix and their makeup Focus on that, because that other stuff can shift, and we always it just drives me crazy how much we focus on the things that can literally change from day to day.

00:51:24.905 --> 00:51:39.565
Anyway, so part of that, part of that, is understanding what a real godly man looks like, because if we're not careful, let's be real, tell me if this is true or not true.

00:51:39.565 --> 00:51:42.309
We have spent.

00:51:42.309 --> 00:51:43.974
You have spent more time, me and you.

00:51:43.974 --> 00:51:53.313
We spent more time paying attention to what a man knows versus how he lives not true?

00:51:54.335 --> 00:51:58.722
feel like we could put the jeopardy music right there fair, fair, fair.

00:51:59.663 --> 00:52:02.793
Um, maybe that's just me, maybe that's just me I don't know.

00:52:02.793 --> 00:52:19.829
I need you to expound on that a little bit well, okay, I'll get to it let me say this I think because I here's what I okay, I assume that because he knows something, he must be living, that I used to think that I used to think that because he knows something, he must be living, that I used to think that I used to think that because he knows scripture, he lives it Okay.

00:52:20.329 --> 00:52:25.846
But that's not always true and that, if you, that it's not always true.

00:52:25.846 --> 00:52:57.784
And and I and I also, because, again, I was focusing more on, if I'm honest, when I was younger, I definitely was focusing more on how other people would see him versus how I see him, and so that knowing being able to quote things being impressive when it comes to your faith and all this stuff, the church going kind of a rhythm that people see you have, that people also see that have was, was more important to me.

00:52:57.784 --> 00:53:10.896
Right, it was it, I won't say more important, but it definitely had a level of importance where it was like, if, if I didn't see those things as clearly, then it was like it was hard for me to really pay attention to it, to that type, to that, to that particular type of guy.

00:53:10.896 --> 00:53:19.514
And so I think I think I wanted to, because you know y'all used to joke about me, I, I was not, I don't, I'm not looking for the good guy.

00:53:19.514 --> 00:53:20.797
That's not who I was.

00:53:20.797 --> 00:53:22.641
I've never been attracted she won them.

00:53:24.351 --> 00:53:25.994
So but like.

00:53:25.994 --> 00:53:37.954
But inside, but I, I at least needed some, some version of good to be publicly seen, because otherwise it felt like I don't even know how I could get away with this.

00:53:37.954 --> 00:53:40.217
But I had to unlearn.

00:53:40.670 --> 00:53:41.192
Ruth Abigail.

00:53:41.192 --> 00:53:43.018
How do you explain this man from the streets?

00:53:43.018 --> 00:53:45.393
I'm just saying that's alright.

00:53:45.393 --> 00:53:47.434
My brother Ty came through.

00:53:48.159 --> 00:53:51.235
Oh for sure he's perfect blend, he came through.

00:53:51.235 --> 00:53:52.259
Yeah, perfect blend.

00:53:52.259 --> 00:53:53.860
More country than hood.

00:53:53.860 --> 00:53:55.456
More country than hood For sure.

00:53:55.456 --> 00:54:02.701
More country than hood, for sure for sure, yeah, which I think works better that part which I would have never thought.

00:54:03.222 --> 00:54:08.815
But god is sovereign, so but I, I really just I think.

00:54:08.815 --> 00:54:40.688
I think that that picture of him in my head, a lot of it, had to do with again what he was able to, how he was able to be impressive in front of other people, what he knew right and his, the way he moved um, his, the him being godly, had to do with more so that than then how he really moved right behind the scenes, um, and but when it?

00:54:40.688 --> 00:54:43.355
When people weren't around, how was he then?

00:54:43.355 --> 00:54:52.117
And I didn't really start paying attention to that until I told a little later in life, and then that knowledge part becomes for me this is me.

00:54:52.117 --> 00:55:10.317
The knowledge part becomes less important when I see you live it, I, I care less about what you can quote and I care less about you showing up in church on Sunday If I see you living it like I, I and I.

00:55:10.458 --> 00:55:14.237
I really had to grow into that and I'm so grateful I did Um cause.

00:55:14.237 --> 00:55:15.954
We all have different stories and we all have different paths and we have to honor that and I'm so grateful I did Um cause.

00:55:15.954 --> 00:55:18.144
We all have different stories and we all have different paths and we have to honor that.

00:55:18.144 --> 00:55:20.047
And it doesn't look just one way.

00:55:20.047 --> 00:55:30.257
So I think, knowing what a godly man if that's what you're looking for godly man or godly woman, um, looks like if that's what you're really looking for you got to look past the public view of them.

00:55:31.097 --> 00:55:32.840
I'm looking for the man of God.

00:55:33.501 --> 00:55:35.985
You know I'm looking for the man of God.

00:55:35.985 --> 00:55:37.527
You know, looking for the man of God.

00:55:37.527 --> 00:55:40.554
No, I think that that's really really good.

00:55:40.554 --> 00:55:47.938
I also realize, I think, for me I'm always looking like is he teachable, like, and not like is he teachable to learn what I know?

00:55:47.938 --> 00:55:55.398
But does he like, how does he hear from God, how does he follow God, how is he led by God?

00:55:55.398 --> 00:55:59.992
And it may not look like you know the way I'm set up.

00:55:59.992 --> 00:56:13.393
It may not, it may not be in the same you know vein or have the same look of it, but I need to know that when you're coming to me, that you're not coming just on your own thought and your own authority.

00:56:13.474 --> 00:56:15.297
Like, what are you connected to?

00:56:15.297 --> 00:56:17.041
Yeah, and what?

00:56:17.041 --> 00:56:51.713
Because if I've spent 30 something odd years of my life following God and I'm trusting that, if I put, if I submit myself under you, I need to know that what I'm submitted to is submitted to the thing, to the, to the God that I've been following my whole life, um and it and again, I feel like God would also, will also verify that, because he's my father too, and I feel like God will verify for me that like, hey, it may not look like what you think it should, but I'm with him, I got him and I got y'all like that's.

00:56:51.713 --> 00:56:56.079
That's paramount, that's number one on the list for me, so I love that.

00:56:56.079 --> 00:56:58.623
All right, I'm going to bridge two of mine together.

00:56:58.643 --> 00:57:01.610
If you don't mind, do it, okay.

00:57:01.610 --> 00:57:31.420
So one thing that I said was know your entrances and your exits right, meaning know when it's good to proceed into a relationship or into a deeper understanding or relationship with a person, and absolutely know when a thing has come to its end Like, or when you've hit a point where it's being defined one way or the other, because we stay in these situationships too long.

00:57:31.420 --> 00:57:35.427
That's how it became a situationship, because you lingered, you lingered.

00:57:35.427 --> 00:57:42.103
It wouldn't have become a situation if you had recognized your exit Right and the only way I learned.

00:57:42.389 --> 00:57:43.557
Oh, that's good, I don't know that.

00:57:43.557 --> 00:57:47.474
Just something just hit me, jaquita, let me say it one more time.

00:57:47.653 --> 00:57:56.780
It wouldn't have become a situation if you had recognized your exit, and I promise you that God will give you a clue.

00:57:56.780 --> 00:57:59.900
It could be the red flag that you ignored.

00:57:59.900 --> 00:58:02.639
It could be the thing that they stated.

00:58:02.639 --> 00:58:16.378
They literally if you and I'm speaking to the women, to the women of God, the young women of the Lord um, and to all of those who identify saints and friends, saints and friends, I'm speaking to us all Believe what he said.

00:58:16.378 --> 00:58:19.077
Men, don't be lying all the time.

00:58:19.077 --> 00:58:20.817
At one point, he told you the truth.

00:58:20.817 --> 00:58:23.097
It was when you stopped believing him.

00:58:23.097 --> 00:58:30.295
At some point, that man told you his whole truth.

00:58:30.295 --> 00:58:32.755
When did you?

00:58:32.795 --> 00:58:34.927
decide he be making stuff up.

00:58:34.927 --> 00:58:36.483
When did you decide, daughter, when did you decide to be making stuff?

00:58:36.483 --> 00:58:36.907
When did you decide?

00:58:36.947 --> 00:58:41.141
daughter, when did you decide to believe something else?

00:58:41.141 --> 00:58:42.315
All right, I'm going to leave that there.

00:58:42.315 --> 00:58:56.666
But seriously, I, you know I have been blessed to have a multitude of friends, a diversity of friends, you know, and you get to those points where you're like, oh, could it be?

00:58:56.666 --> 00:58:57.710
Is it?

00:58:57.710 --> 00:58:58.833
Is it him, lord?

00:58:58.833 --> 00:59:09.827
And then I, I, I noticed recently, when the Lord gave me my exit and for the first time I got off on the off ramp, I said, oh, that's my exit, right there.

00:59:09.827 --> 00:59:17.625
I'm supposed to get off on exit 31 and I'm off and I was able because I got off the ramp, I kept a friend.

00:59:17.625 --> 00:59:23.579
I kept a friend because I got off the ramp and I recognized my exit.

00:59:24.380 --> 00:59:26.547
We like to stay on that road.

00:59:26.547 --> 00:59:57.644
And the more you stay on that road, trying to muddy the waters, trying to make it something that is not, trying to mold and shape it, trying to see if you can do this to make him like you are, see if he can commit this way and now your feelings are all messed up in there and you cannot get back to a place where you're able to exit delirium, where you're able to exit confusion and to remain friendly and and and to be a solid person in that person's life.

00:59:57.644 --> 01:00:10.826
You know, and I think that from that I want to add as my addendum, because I'm pulling two points together is, if you allow your past back into your present, you can jeopardize your future.

01:00:10.826 --> 01:00:18.103
And because we don't get off on these exit ramps, we're literally carrying these people along with us.

01:00:18.103 --> 01:00:24.657
We are literally carrying the people that were supposed to get off on the exit ramp and you still got them in the car with you.

01:00:24.657 --> 01:00:27.297
Boo, they still they in the back seat.

01:00:27.297 --> 01:00:28.594
Everywhere you go.

01:00:28.594 --> 01:00:31.378
They there and you trying to meet your man of God.

01:00:31.378 --> 01:00:35.257
Remember, you're not looking for men, you're looking for a man, you're looking for one.

01:00:35.257 --> 01:00:44.313
You in search of the woman of God, you're looking for the one.

01:00:44.313 --> 01:00:52.452
But you got Susie and Jackie in the back seat because you never took them to the exit ramp and because you are carrying people with you, you're carrying those experiences with you.

01:00:52.753 --> 01:00:55.117
You're carrying those thoughts, those wishes.

01:00:55.117 --> 01:01:02.275
You know, like man, I wish it had worked out, I wish it had did this, I wish I had done that, and you know, and you send in the hey big head text messages.

01:01:02.275 --> 01:01:06.097
Still, you send it, you still send a happy birthday messages.

01:01:06.097 --> 01:01:13.155
I'm coming for you Cause I've been there, been there, did it still sending the Merry Christmas text message?

01:01:13.155 --> 01:01:26.235
You sitting there at 12 o'clock midnight sending your Happy New Year to 12 people that should have got the off ramp, and you are wondering why your person hasn't found you.

01:01:26.235 --> 01:01:30.393
It's because you got a car full.

01:01:30.393 --> 01:01:31.317
You loaded it down.

01:01:31.317 --> 01:01:36.152
Know your interests and your exits.

01:01:36.152 --> 01:01:37.978
I cannot stress it enough.

01:01:37.978 --> 01:01:39.909
Take those you got to take.

01:01:39.951 --> 01:01:51.643
You have to learn how the Bible says that we are to lay aside every weight in the sin which does so easily beset us, and run with patience the race that is set before us.

01:01:51.643 --> 01:02:20.782
If you are still carrying and I really want to speak to whoever is listening right now if you are still carrying something that you know the Lord has told you to put down, I'm guaranteeing you that what you keep trying to put in front of you is half of what God really wants to give you, that thing that you keep reaching behind you and trying to put back in front of you so that you can pursue it again, it is only half of what God actually has for you.

01:02:20.782 --> 01:02:30.094
And if you would allow God to really give you what he's really intending and it's not just that God is trying to give you a partner God is trying to give you you.

01:02:30.094 --> 01:02:38.943
He's trying to help you realize the next level of you, realize the next version of you, realize the greatness he's put inside of you, realize the greatness he has for you.

01:02:38.943 --> 01:02:42.036
The Bible says he will not withhold any good thing from you.

01:02:42.036 --> 01:02:42.896
Right?

01:02:42.896 --> 01:02:43.438
Stop?

01:02:43.438 --> 01:02:46.811
If you got to go back and get it.

01:02:46.811 --> 01:02:48.896
If you plan, go fetch it.

01:02:48.896 --> 01:02:50.701
With something that's behind you.

01:02:50.701 --> 01:02:51.603
It's not for you.

01:02:51.603 --> 01:02:54.916
Allow yourself to walk into something new.

01:02:55.577 --> 01:03:11.782
And that was something that I really had to learn because since, probably, ruth Abigail, since you met me, I always had somebody that I was like if only when the time is right, it's going, it will happen and it will occur.

01:03:11.782 --> 01:03:13.771
And it was like baby, what are you holding on to?

01:03:13.771 --> 01:03:14.393
Right?

01:03:14.393 --> 01:03:24.465
Right, and because, again, there were some friendships that I lost because I did not exit properly.

01:03:24.465 --> 01:03:40.719
Yeah, and if I had exited and I'm not talking about exited from the, from the person I'm talking about exit from my mindset about it, exit from my, my, my thoughts about it, about what it should be, about the I'm a person who holds on to hope.

01:03:40.719 --> 01:03:47.802
You know, learn your entrances and your exits and learn to let go so that you can pursue what God really has.

01:03:49.710 --> 01:03:54.344
So, producer Joy, what we're going to do is we're going to take that whole little what I have alone, that was a couple of minutes, and we're going to clip that.

01:03:54.344 --> 01:04:02.251
And we're gonna do is we're gonna take that that whole little what I have along, that was a couple minutes, and we're gonna clip that and we're gonna put that because y'all, y'all need to hear that.

01:04:02.251 --> 01:04:11.014
That right, there was good, I was just sitting here, amen child and I felt bad, I need to let ruth in, but it's, it's, oh no you're burning up in me.

01:04:11.335 --> 01:04:13.398
No, you didn't burning up in me.

01:04:13.398 --> 01:04:40.166
You, you take that one that was good, and and amen, and amen, and I, I, I think that knowing your interests and exits, where it gets tricky and where I have been tripped up is I know my exit and I'll exit, but then people start to spin the block and you think it's time to get back on.

01:04:40.166 --> 01:04:42.793
It is not.

01:04:42.793 --> 01:04:44.416
It is not.

01:04:44.416 --> 01:04:46.440
Stay off, don't worry about what?

01:04:46.481 --> 01:04:53.119
they're doing you do it all the time I done exited four or five times For what that's crazy, right, I mean it just.

01:04:53.119 --> 01:05:04.342
But you, you know, I think, staying on your path, because you, you know that that that's been, that's been the block of get you they, they, they will, that will happen, don't make the exception the rule.

01:05:05.030 --> 01:05:11.023
Come on, are there instances, are there cases where it really was right person, wrong time?

01:05:11.023 --> 01:05:17.070
Sure, but you're trying to use that as an excuse to stay connected to something that has ended.

01:05:17.070 --> 01:05:26.222
It is expired baby, like it is done, and you keep trying to bring this expired food back in and wondering why it's making you sick.

01:05:26.222 --> 01:05:29.376
Yeah that's done, it's done, it's done.

01:05:29.737 --> 01:05:30.559
Stop, you can't.

01:05:30.559 --> 01:05:46.670
You got to move forward, and moving forward requires trust and belief that there's something else, that there's something better, and you gotta believe that um, I don't have any more to say about that.

01:05:46.851 --> 01:05:51.021
I'm gonna, I'm gonna uh pivot to.

01:05:51.021 --> 01:05:54.509
I think, uh, I don't know, I have a couple more.

01:05:54.509 --> 01:05:55.697
We'll decide when we're gonna end it.

01:05:55.697 --> 01:05:56.648
This is just good.

01:05:56.648 --> 01:05:57.715
I'm thank you, queda.

01:05:57.715 --> 01:05:58.237
This is good.

01:05:58.237 --> 01:05:58.800
I appreciate.

01:05:58.800 --> 01:05:59.282
This is good.

01:05:59.302 --> 01:06:22.771
This is wonderful so I didn't want to do this episode, so I'm glad you did but this is you, you blessing me, you blessing me, um, one of the things that I think, especially today, in the culture that we live in, where we're exposed to everyone and everything, um, and our comparison levels are on on 10, our anxiety is on 10 because we're always looking at what we're not.

01:06:22.771 --> 01:06:34.478
Um, unlearning, trying to be desirable and wait for someone who desires you, like we have to.

01:06:34.478 --> 01:06:43.103
I have had to unlearn that, right, I have to unlearn to not try to be desirable but to wait until someone desires the real you.

01:06:43.103 --> 01:06:51.545
So I, I did like I I've been, I did this online dating thing, uh, like four different times over the course of several years.

01:06:51.706 --> 01:06:55.275
I would just, you know, I'd be in and out, in and out, in and out, and I did all the things.

01:06:55.275 --> 01:06:58.021
I started doing it before the apps were really popular.

01:06:58.021 --> 01:07:05.670
So I was definitely like in that real online dating age, like towards the end of that, and then the apps came and you get to the apps or whatever.

01:07:05.670 --> 01:07:39.201
But making my profile was one of the most difficult things that I had to do, because I was like what do I, what do I, what do I want him to see, or what do I want to put out there and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I would, I constantly modify what I thought would be some would be attractive, right, whether it's pictures, whether it's descriptions, whether it was like you know, leaning into, you know, my job or my faith or whatever, or not right, or or downplaying either one of those, cause I was like I don't want them to think I'm too busy.

01:07:39.603 --> 01:07:46.393
You know, I don't want them to be intimidated, or I don't want them to think that I'm like you know too much into church, or like I'm like I want to still be cool.

01:07:46.393 --> 01:08:19.350
You know, I want to think I'm cool, I'm down Right, or, um, no-transcript.

01:08:19.350 --> 01:08:26.610
And that not only was it, you know.

01:08:26.610 --> 01:08:28.936
And look, let me be clear, I'm not saying that that's going to result in you finding your spouse.

01:08:28.936 --> 01:08:31.962
It helped me, but it's just at the end of the day.

01:08:31.962 --> 01:08:34.295
What if it doesn't do anything else?

01:08:34.295 --> 01:08:52.197
It was very, um, it was very freeing and cathartic to do that, because I there was a level of confidence that I had in who I was, that I I could, I could live into on a regular basis, whether it brought me anything or not.

01:08:52.197 --> 01:08:59.561
I put my real self out there and I was proud of her.

01:09:00.304 --> 01:09:05.179
I was proud of everything about me and that that was enough.

01:09:05.179 --> 01:09:24.207
It was like I have no expectations from this, but I do know that I am proud of who's on display Right and so, whether that's an online platform or in real life, at the end of the day, you don't you want someone to to desire the real you.

01:09:24.207 --> 01:09:27.819
The real you is going to attract the right person.

01:09:27.819 --> 01:09:39.091
If you don't put your real stuff real, if you don't put your real self out there, you always have to keep up a lie and that doesn't.

01:09:39.091 --> 01:09:48.255
That's not, that's not going to last long, and I think that I think that we really.

01:09:48.255 --> 01:09:54.385
It is important to understand your full self.

01:09:54.385 --> 01:10:01.833
Important to understand your full self even before you even go down that road.

01:10:01.873 --> 01:10:08.434
You gotta know who you really are good, bad, ugly, um, all of it right, and don't be afraid, don't think you're limiting your options, because you are.

01:10:08.954 --> 01:10:09.577
You know they.

01:10:09.658 --> 01:10:16.650
They say, even in marketing, right, when you market, you don't want to market to everyone, you want to market to your ideal avatar.

01:10:17.613 --> 01:10:35.516
So there is an ideal person that I am talking to when I'm trying to sell my product or when I'm trying to build my audience, or whatever, and the worst thing you could do is try to appeal to everybody, because you appeal to everybody, you appeal to nobody, and so you want to appeal to the person, the type of person that you're looking to appeal to, nobody.

01:10:35.516 --> 01:10:48.560
And so you, you, you want to appeal to the person, the type of person that you're looking to appeal to, and then what happens is, by appealing to everybody, we try to make decisions for everyone, and people have to make their own decisions.

01:10:48.560 --> 01:11:01.184
So when you decide, when you make your decision to be you, then you give other people permission to make sure that they are them, and there's more people that will be attracted to you than to your real self.

01:11:01.184 --> 01:11:06.547
Be actually attracted to your real self than trying to appeal to the masses.

01:11:06.547 --> 01:11:08.814
You don't even want the masses, you don't even want all that attention.

01:11:08.814 --> 01:11:09.356
It's too much.

01:11:09.356 --> 01:11:10.609
You ain't got time for all that.

01:11:10.970 --> 01:11:13.836
You're only looking for one You're looking for one you really are.

01:11:13.836 --> 01:11:21.920
If that's what you're trying to do, we're going to speak from that perspective because that's who we are, so we're interested in finding one person.

01:11:21.920 --> 01:11:27.222
So, yeah, I had to unlearn that and I'm really grateful I did.

01:11:27.222 --> 01:11:28.010
It took me a minute.

01:11:28.010 --> 01:11:35.965
I was definitely in my early 30s before that clicked for me where I was like stop trying to be what you think people want.

01:11:36.050 --> 01:11:38.594
Yeah, clicked for me, um, where I was like Liz, stop, stop trying to be what you think people want.

01:11:38.594 --> 01:11:54.993
Yeah, no, I literally remember, um, somebody like trying to teach me how to like talk like this and like use my higher register voice and like all of the things that would make me desirable are more attractive.

01:11:54.993 --> 01:12:02.881
And I remember leaving that and, even though I was willing to try, it made me feel.

01:12:02.881 --> 01:12:10.078
It made me feel like I wasn't naturally desirable and that I had to try to be desirable.

01:12:10.078 --> 01:12:24.875
So it actually took me on a journey of like moving away from myself, and I think that the beautiful thing about relationships is that you are, you are allowing someone else to discover what you've already discovered about you.

01:12:25.436 --> 01:12:34.759
Like you are you know what I'm saying Like I, I I gained, like, I worked through myself and I've I've learned how to be confident in me.

01:12:34.759 --> 01:12:41.234
I've learned, like, what's really good about me and what's not always so good.

01:12:41.234 --> 01:12:46.425
Right, you know, like I've learned me, and so I'm not trying to be something.

01:12:46.425 --> 01:13:02.832
I'm presenting you with the package of me that I've learned, right, and I'm and I'm asking you to go on this journey where we can continue to learn both one another and where you're going to help me to see more of who I am, and I'm trusting you with that.

01:13:02.832 --> 01:13:04.514
But it is.

01:13:04.514 --> 01:13:07.238
It is a journey and it is it requires.

01:13:07.238 --> 01:13:18.354
What you just said is that you have to be desirable to you before you ask somebody else to desire you to you before you ask somebody else to desire you Like you.

01:13:18.373 --> 01:13:19.958
You really got to like you and that really took.

01:13:19.958 --> 01:13:26.396
That really took some time for me, because I remember being in high school trying to and thinking through what does it mean for me to be feminine?

01:13:26.396 --> 01:13:28.702
You know, I'm 5'11".

01:13:28.702 --> 01:13:31.335
I'm like as tall as all my male friends.

01:13:31.335 --> 01:13:34.203
You know, they hit they growth spurts in sophomore.

01:13:34.203 --> 01:13:38.398
Like sophomore year I was like, thank you Lord, I was sick of y'all being five, eight.

01:13:38.398 --> 01:13:45.355
You know, like I, I was tall, I was, you know, broad shoulders, big bone that's the country for a sec.

01:13:45.355 --> 01:13:46.920
You know I was big bone.

01:13:46.920 --> 01:13:49.350
Um, you know, like, and so what?

01:13:49.350 --> 01:13:51.676
What does it mean for me to be feminine?

01:13:51.676 --> 01:13:53.701
And I was trying to be a prototype of it.

01:13:53.701 --> 01:13:58.956
You know I was like well, I need to walk like this and I need to, you know, talk like this.

01:13:58.956 --> 01:14:00.439
And that's not me.

01:14:00.439 --> 01:14:09.592
It wasn't until, like I said, I didn't really start, you know, entering the dating scene until later, but it was because I was starting to be me, like.

01:14:09.974 --> 01:14:23.100
I tell everyone, 28 is the age where it changed for me, where I was like, you know, I really am beautiful and I really do have good characteristics that I can be proud of and that I really like about myself.

01:14:23.100 --> 01:14:35.055
But you got to spend some time not just getting to know you but really getting to love you and really and going on that journey.

01:14:35.055 --> 01:14:41.824
You know, and if you need some time away from dating to figure that out, the 20s is the perfect time.

01:14:41.824 --> 01:14:44.398
There's no, there's really no rush.

01:14:44.398 --> 01:14:52.609
You know, take some time and get to know you, because it will be the most important thing that you'll have in your relationship.

01:14:52.609 --> 01:15:00.502
It's the most important thing that you bring to the table is your self-awareness and your ability to help somebody understand you.

01:15:01.283 --> 01:15:06.301
You know you got, you want somebody to come in playing a guessing game to a test that you don't have the answers for.

01:15:06.301 --> 01:15:08.612
That's good.

01:15:08.612 --> 01:15:13.722
You need to be able to provide a ledger, like hey, you got this one wrong.

01:15:13.722 --> 01:15:14.532
Let me tell you why.

01:15:14.532 --> 01:15:27.900
It's because, yes, I am like really, really extroverted, but when I get home, like sometimes I do need like 20 minutes to like really, like decompress, and then I'm ready to like talk the night away, right.

01:15:28.001 --> 01:15:46.917
But if you don't know that yet and you just come home and you, in a little funky attitude, you know and don't nobody know why, and you're asking somebody to guess at a test that you don't, you're not able to provide understanding for, and those are the things that become the pitfalls in our relationships later on.

01:15:46.917 --> 01:15:52.935
Right, so really spend some time with you so that you're able to provide the ledger of you.

01:15:52.935 --> 01:15:55.659
Hey, baby, here's my, here's the manual.

01:15:55.659 --> 01:16:00.297
You know you need to be able, you need to be able to provide.

01:16:00.297 --> 01:16:11.113
I'm not saying you need to be able to provide everything, but you should be able to help somebody understand who you are, and that that, in turn, is what becomes desirable Men like that.

01:16:11.113 --> 01:16:12.435
They're like, I know my woman.

01:16:13.497 --> 01:16:19.877
Yes, yeah, and when you're talking about something long term, you want that, like you need that.

01:16:19.877 --> 01:16:41.296
And I think the other thing you have to be aware of and this was something that I discovered you don't know what he's tired of, so you don't know what his passes look like and he may not want what you think is desirable, because maybe he's had that and he don't want that, no more.

01:16:41.296 --> 01:16:44.716
He's like I need something different because that ain't working and that's not where I am in my life.

01:16:44.716 --> 01:16:51.782
I'm looking for something different anyway, and in our situation I mean, that's what he was like.

01:16:51.782 --> 01:16:57.055
I, you know, I've been down those roads I'm good, like I don't want.

01:16:57.055 --> 01:16:59.173
I don't want what.

01:16:59.173 --> 01:17:05.287
What people may think I want, right, I'm looking for something different.

01:17:05.287 --> 01:17:11.462
I'm looking for someone that is different than what I've experienced before and that's what.

01:17:11.502 --> 01:17:37.533
Hold on, because you said something like because you know, we always talk about how women are to be found, but he said I'm looking for when men get to the point where they know what they looking for, that's when they can start doing the finding Y'all are letting men who don't yet know what they look for they not finding you, baby, and it's not your fault Like, and you know, know, I think that's something that I had to unlearn.

01:17:37.533 --> 01:17:45.579
I'm like y'all don't, y'all don't know a good thing when you see it, yeah, no, they don't, no, they really don't because they're not.

01:17:45.579 --> 01:17:50.953
But it was, it was what got him to that point, like life experience.

01:17:50.953 --> 01:17:59.131
You know him making a resolution within himself, Right, and and you just don't want an unresolved man.

01:17:59.131 --> 01:18:03.823
You don't want a man who's just kind of like, eh, you know, we'll see where this goes.

01:18:04.390 --> 01:18:06.657
You know I, you know I'm, I'm seeing where life takes me.

01:18:06.657 --> 01:18:17.586
You know I'm seeing like you want somebody who has made the resolve of I'm looking for, and then he finds you and like, ah, I'm looking for.

01:18:17.586 --> 01:18:19.729
And then he finds you and like, ah, there, it is Right.

01:18:19.729 --> 01:18:25.436
And so I think that you know, I think a lot of times you know that was definitely something that I had to unlearn was like you.

01:18:25.436 --> 01:18:29.586
You literally take on, like some of like, the shame of like.

01:18:30.131 --> 01:18:31.657
Oh well, why he don't want me.

01:18:32.229 --> 01:18:33.756
Well, why doesn't anyone want me?

01:18:33.756 --> 01:18:35.435
No, but you're wanted.

01:18:35.435 --> 01:18:40.735
You're wanted, but you got to want you first spend some time.

01:18:41.216 --> 01:18:48.735
spend some time with you, finding you, finding you and it'll make it easier for you to be fine, that's amen.

01:18:48.735 --> 01:18:58.841
Spend some time in that, and I'm going to speak to that because I'm a woman, and that's how I would talk to if I was mentoring someone in their 20s, which I have.

01:18:58.841 --> 01:19:01.484
Yes, yeah, find you.

01:19:01.484 --> 01:19:03.838
This is what I tell the people I mentor.

01:19:03.838 --> 01:19:06.637
Like, this is what's important right now.

01:19:06.637 --> 01:19:10.738
Yeah, whether they're in a relationship or not, this is what I'm telling them.

01:19:12.434 --> 01:19:12.935
And that's real.

01:19:12.935 --> 01:19:17.716
Well, Queenie, you got anything else?

01:19:18.256 --> 01:19:24.755
girl no, no, no, I think a thing was done, I think a thing was done.

01:19:24.774 --> 01:19:26.559
I agree, yeah I think it was done.

01:19:26.559 --> 01:19:29.390
I think so, hopefully, y'all got something from that.

01:19:29.390 --> 01:19:40.336
Uh, we, I think you know this relationship conversation is always going to be relevant, um, no matter what age stage we are, because we have to do life with people.

01:19:40.336 --> 01:19:44.009
Um, you know, community is important.

01:19:44.009 --> 01:20:06.457
Therefore, relationships are important, and, um, you know, we have all types of relationships friendships, romantic relationships, parental relationships, all that and really all these things are important to recognize for all of them, and so, um, so, yeah, I just I'm we're always unlearning stuff about relationships, and so why don't you?

01:20:06.457 --> 01:20:11.274
I would love to you know, we'd love to hear what y'all are unlearning about relationships now.

01:20:11.274 --> 01:20:23.822
Um, and what, what kinds of things do you wish you would have unlearned about relationships before you jumped into whatever you're into, whatever that might be?

01:20:24.744 --> 01:20:26.931
um, and just let's just talk about it.

01:20:26.971 --> 01:20:39.659
I just think it's always healthy to have these conversations about, about relationships love to see it absolutely, absolutely, um all right.

01:20:39.659 --> 01:20:44.145
So I think that's it, are we done?

01:20:44.945 --> 01:20:48.435
I'm good we're good, okay, sweet.

01:20:48.435 --> 01:20:49.917
Well, people, we're out.

01:20:49.917 --> 01:20:55.817
Uh, let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience a little more freedom.

01:20:55.817 --> 01:21:01.734
All right, peace, bye y'all.

01:21:01.734 --> 01:21:06.023
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:21:06.023 --> 01:21:11.634
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:21:11.634 --> 01:21:16.967
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:21:16.967 --> 01:21:23.301
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:21:23.301 --> 01:21:24.224
See you then.