Download Our Latest Episode! Experience Freedom Today!
Oct. 29, 2024

Talks With Middle Adults: Unlearning The Five Love Languages, Embracing Personal Growth, Understanding God's Love, and Navigating Relationships with Intentionality and Effort

Talks With Middle Adults: Unlearning The Five Love Languages, Embracing Personal Growth, Understanding God's Love, and Navigating Relationships with Intentionality and Effort
Apple Podcasts podcast player badge
Spotify podcast player badge
Castro podcast player badge
RSS Feed podcast player badge
Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon Castro podcast player icon RSS Feed podcast player icon

We venture into the transformative concept of love languages, popularized by Gary Chapman, and the delightful complexity of how we express and receive love. Personal stories unravel our mixed feelings about gift-giving while highlighting the willingness to embrace and adapt to each other's unique preferences. Whether it's quality time, acts of service, or the power of a handwritten note, our conversation showcases how understanding these expressions can enhance our relationships. We also reflect on the journey of embracing God's love, wrestling with feelings of unworthiness, and the impact of self-love on our ability to connect with others.

Take the assessment here!
https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes


Chapters

00:03 - Love Languages and Birthday Surprises

06:15 - Love Languages

12:07 - Unpacking Love Languages and Relationships

22:45 - Unlearning and Receiving Love

28:42 - Understanding God's Love and Relationships

33:32 - Learning Love Languages as Adults

46:13 - Navigating Love Languages With Effort

51:35 - Submission and Love Languages

01:01:15 - Love Languages and Life Changes

01:11:39 - Love as Intentional and Conscious

01:17:46 - Unlearning for Personal Growth

Transcript
WEBVTT

00:00:03.486 --> 00:00:08.733
hello everybody and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.

00:00:08.733 --> 00:00:11.364
I'm your host, ruth abigail aka.

00:00:11.364 --> 00:00:11.884
What's up?

00:00:11.884 --> 00:00:22.827
Friends, it's your girl, jaquita, and I'm producer joy and producer joy, producer joy in the house today in the folks.

00:00:22.827 --> 00:00:30.977
And this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you yes, you can experience more freedom.

00:00:30.977 --> 00:00:34.328
And y'all, I'm tired, I ain't gonna lie to you.

00:00:34.387 --> 00:00:36.313
Same, same.

00:00:36.313 --> 00:00:38.805
But why are you tired?

00:00:38.805 --> 00:00:42.207
But why I ain't gonna lie to you, man I'm tired.

00:00:42.207 --> 00:00:47.128
Well, part of it is I just came from a trip with the kids to New Orleans.

00:00:47.128 --> 00:00:51.615
I got back yesterday, so I've kind of been on go for the last few days with children.

00:00:51.719 --> 00:00:54.228
Yeah, that middle adult life is not built.

00:00:54.619 --> 00:01:00.170
I slept on a pullout couch for two nights in a row.

00:01:00.170 --> 00:01:01.673
It's not comfortable.

00:01:03.680 --> 00:01:05.087
That's not for us in our 30s.

00:01:05.781 --> 00:01:06.665
Yeah, it's not.

00:01:06.665 --> 00:01:08.608
I have very much learned.

00:01:08.608 --> 00:01:12.370
I am very quickly becoming very uncool.

00:01:12.370 --> 00:01:13.620
I'm not cool, I just.

00:01:13.620 --> 00:01:16.930
I am losing my cool factor by the day.

00:01:17.859 --> 00:01:25.465
You don't know when I knew we were uncool when we like traveled and we were like we need our own beds, we need separate rooms.

00:01:25.465 --> 00:01:27.129
And I was like when did we start doing this?

00:01:27.129 --> 00:01:30.406
And everybody was like no, we're not sharing beds.

00:01:30.406 --> 00:01:32.052
I was like we got too much money now.

00:01:32.052 --> 00:01:39.861
We got too much money Comfort versus you know finances which one is going to outweigh yeah.

00:01:39.882 --> 00:01:40.644
Yeah, that's correct.

00:01:40.644 --> 00:01:41.888
Yeah, correct, that's correct.

00:01:41.888 --> 00:01:47.647
But I mean before we, hmm, now what were you going to say?

00:01:47.647 --> 00:01:50.412
I was like cause, ruth Abigail, you are getting old.

00:01:50.412 --> 00:01:55.325
I mean, you have gotten old, cause you just had a birthday?

00:01:56.268 --> 00:01:57.430
Yes, she did.

00:01:57.971 --> 00:02:01.209
Yes, she did Just had a birthday.

00:02:01.209 --> 00:02:03.948
Yes, she did Just had a birthday.

00:02:03.948 --> 00:02:05.275
Just had a birthday.

00:02:05.275 --> 00:02:05.938
Yes, she did Just had a birthday.

00:02:05.938 --> 00:02:18.106
Just had a birthday All right people Listen since it's our first birthday on the pod, so we gotta sing to you, okay, and we do, and we do.

00:02:19.805 --> 00:02:20.448
And we do.

00:02:20.448 --> 00:02:25.211
And we do I apologize in advance to everybody who is listening.

00:02:27.199 --> 00:02:27.560
Nobody cares.

00:02:27.560 --> 00:02:29.968
Happy birthday to you.

00:02:29.968 --> 00:02:32.870
Happy birthday to you.

00:02:32.870 --> 00:02:37.454
Happy birthday, dear Ruth Abigail.

00:02:37.454 --> 00:02:41.929
Happy birthday to you.

00:02:41.929 --> 00:02:45.657
Yes, happy birthday to you.

00:02:45.657 --> 00:02:49.349
Yes, happy birthday to you.

00:02:49.349 --> 00:02:52.590
Happy birthday to you.

00:02:52.590 --> 00:02:55.128
Happy birthday.

00:02:55.128 --> 00:02:58.969
I want to say happy birthday to you.

00:02:58.969 --> 00:03:07.325
I want to say happy birthday to you.

00:03:07.325 --> 00:03:19.536
Hallelujah, wow, thank you.

00:03:19.536 --> 00:03:19.795
Joy.

00:03:19.795 --> 00:03:20.496
Thank you, Joy.

00:03:20.496 --> 00:03:22.337
So this was not expected.

00:03:22.599 --> 00:03:25.506
This was not something we planned, so you all lied to me.

00:03:25.506 --> 00:03:26.502
You want to come say hi buddy.

00:03:26.502 --> 00:03:27.625
Oh, he doesn't.

00:03:27.705 --> 00:03:30.792
Okay, all right, well yeah, no, we absolutely did lie to you.

00:03:30.792 --> 00:03:34.472
Except I didn't lie to you because I told you I was gonna sing to you.

00:03:34.472 --> 00:03:36.780
Um, I told you that yesterday.

00:03:36.780 --> 00:03:39.427
I told you that yesterday you did.

00:03:39.647 --> 00:03:45.066
You did not specify I would be on the podcast oh well, here we are here we are.

00:03:45.105 --> 00:03:45.587
Here we are.

00:03:45.659 --> 00:03:47.326
I didn't know I would get a mashup.

00:03:47.539 --> 00:03:49.306
First of all, let me tell y'all something.

00:03:49.306 --> 00:04:02.688
Ruth Abigail has created a great level of insecurity in me because the way she judges my singing Do not have a musician as your best friend.

00:04:02.688 --> 00:04:03.450
I try.

00:04:03.450 --> 00:04:04.925
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:04:04.925 --> 00:04:09.447
Ruth Abigail has told me on multiple occasions you know you can't sing right.

00:04:09.447 --> 00:04:14.085
Like you know you suck, like you know you're terrible.

00:04:14.085 --> 00:04:16.310
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:04:16.310 --> 00:04:23.673
When I told her I was going to sing happy birthday to her yesterday, she said please don't Thank you, that would not be a blessing to me.

00:04:23.673 --> 00:04:29.348
Um, when I I don't claim to have the best voice, okay, I don't claim.

00:04:29.348 --> 00:04:30.934
You know I'm not aretha franklin.

00:04:30.934 --> 00:04:36.283
You know I'm not whitney houston, okay, but I do, all right.

00:04:36.283 --> 00:04:43.309
All right, I can hold a note, but uh sure, sure ruth abigail.

00:04:43.528 --> 00:04:45.110
You see, you see what I'm talking about friends.

00:04:45.129 --> 00:04:47.351
No, no, no, no no, you see, here's the deal, here's the deal.

00:04:47.351 --> 00:04:50.035
This is important because this is actually, this is a great segue.

00:04:50.035 --> 00:04:50.814
You know why I?

00:04:50.875 --> 00:04:51.295
do it, it is.

00:04:51.995 --> 00:04:53.358
You know why I do that To keep me humble.

00:04:53.358 --> 00:04:54.665
No, I don't do that.

00:05:07.581 --> 00:05:09.303
I do it because, no, stop, stop it right now.

00:05:09.303 --> 00:05:10.446
All right, friends.

00:05:10.446 --> 00:05:12.709
So today we are talking about I love you too much to let you live in a lie.

00:05:12.730 --> 00:05:15.033
All right, go ahead first of all.

00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:29.274
But anyways, today we're talking about love languages, friends, um, and I want to talk about how my number one love language is words of affirmation and talk about how that's what fills my love tank.

00:05:29.274 --> 00:05:33.391
But my best friend, joy, joy affirms me all the time.

00:05:33.391 --> 00:05:43.394
Other best friends affirm Ruth, abigail decided that to love me is to be critical and condescending and to demote my confidence.

00:05:43.394 --> 00:05:45.767
Just jokes, friends, just jokes.

00:05:45.767 --> 00:05:52.528
You know, once a year I get a compliment from Ruth and it's the best day of the year, it's a pretty decent sized compliment, I think.

00:05:52.980 --> 00:05:55.509
I mean I do good work once a year.

00:05:55.509 --> 00:05:57.524
Okay, let's be clear about that.

00:05:57.524 --> 00:06:01.173
Whatever I do I think I do good work.

00:06:01.173 --> 00:06:04.327
Anyway yes, love languages.

00:06:06.062 --> 00:06:14.750
So, friends, five love languages, gary Chapman All right, you have probably heard of this at some point in your life.

00:06:14.750 --> 00:06:20.733
Ok, five love languages describes the way Gary Chapman wrote this book in 2004.

00:06:20.733 --> 00:06:27.934
He dropped this on us and he changed the relationship, friendship, love game, okay.

00:06:27.934 --> 00:06:42.473
And realizing that we don't all express nor receive love in the same way, in fact, he details out five different ways that people both give love and receive love.

00:06:42.540 --> 00:06:44.733
I think that's important because a lot of times when people talk about love languages, they're only talking about the way that and receive love.

00:06:44.733 --> 00:06:53.487
I think that's important because a lot of times when people talk about love languages, they're only talking about the way that they receive love, but sometimes the way that you receive love is not the same way that you give it, right.

00:06:53.487 --> 00:06:58.507
So we all have kind of a primary and maybe a secondary love language, right?

00:06:58.507 --> 00:07:05.360
And so when you take the assessment and I want to again emphasize to the friends, it's no longer free and I'm sorry for that.

00:07:05.360 --> 00:07:09.891
It used to be free back in the day, but I want to emphasize y'all need to take the assessment.

00:07:09.891 --> 00:07:20.105
Stop just hearing the list and being like, ah, I think I'm gonna take the assessment, because the assessment will give you a detailed picture of how the five stack up for you.

00:07:20.105 --> 00:07:20.505
Okay.

00:07:20.505 --> 00:07:22.168
So, ruth Abigail, what are the five?

00:07:22.889 --> 00:07:23.170
yo.

00:07:23.170 --> 00:07:43.608
So the five are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, gifts and acts of service those are the five languages and again these are the five languages you it, it you either likely either give or receive.

00:07:43.608 --> 00:07:49.456
Like you, you have certain ones that you tend to give, certain ones you tend to receive.

00:07:49.456 --> 00:07:54.050
Yeah, and this and it's yeah.

00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:58.841
Sorry, it's not that you can't operate in all of them, right.

00:07:58.841 --> 00:08:06.089
When you take the test and get the results back, it is telling you what fills your love tank and get the results back, it is telling you what fills your love tank, right?

00:08:06.089 --> 00:08:06.370
So what?

00:08:06.370 --> 00:08:07.512
What specifically?

00:08:07.512 --> 00:08:27.379
What specific type of love that you receive, a specific type of language that can be spoken to you that fills your love tank, and the necessity of having a love tank that's overflowing, overflowing Deep eyes.

00:08:28.240 --> 00:08:29.423
Very good, very good, very good.

00:08:29.423 --> 00:08:34.394
So, queda, what are your top five?

00:08:35.679 --> 00:08:43.706
Listen, all right, in the number one spot and the number one and the number two for me interchange, because they're really really close, right.

00:08:43.706 --> 00:08:53.347
So we got words of affirmation and then we have physical touch, and I really want to talk about physical touch because y'all be getting it wrong, ok, y'all be getting it wrong, right?

00:08:53.347 --> 00:09:00.822
Then I have quality time, acts of service, and then last for me is gifts All right, cool, um.

00:09:01.582 --> 00:09:04.727
So, uh, mine are my.

00:09:04.727 --> 00:09:21.309
My top one is, um, acts of service, Um, and my second one is quality time, and then words of affirmation, and then, um, I don't have them in front of me.

00:09:21.309 --> 00:09:25.128
I'm trying to remember oh, oh, um, uh, physical touch, and then gifts.

00:09:26.291 --> 00:09:29.950
Yeah, no, this makes sense because you want to know what's funny, both of ours.

00:09:29.950 --> 00:09:31.225
The last one is gifts.

00:09:31.225 --> 00:09:36.611
I can't remember the last time either one of us gave each other a gift.

00:09:36.611 --> 00:09:37.904
Like it might be.

00:09:37.904 --> 00:09:46.721
If I give Ruth Abigail a gift, it's I know she needs this, like you know.

00:09:46.721 --> 00:09:54.787
Like I'm doing it as an act of service, like when I think I bought you like some makeup brushes because there's a story there y'all um, but I bought her some makeup brushes, oh she, oh, she looks so good.

00:09:54.787 --> 00:09:57.697
Look at the birthday girl um, I bought her.

00:09:57.697 --> 00:10:01.404
Uh, I think I bought you some perfume because you said you liked it.

00:10:02.187 --> 00:10:09.485
Um, you know, like, so stuff, like, but gifts, child buying gifts, like for a birthday, stresses me out.

00:10:09.485 --> 00:10:10.402
It's tough, I don't know.

00:10:10.402 --> 00:10:18.543
I don't know, because I want people, when I give them a gift, I want them to feel that same amount of joy as when I write a card.

00:10:18.543 --> 00:10:22.621
And I am the bomb dot com at writing a card.

00:10:22.621 --> 00:10:23.565
You know what I'm saying.

00:10:23.565 --> 00:10:28.466
Like, I'm the, I can use words to make you feel like the most special person in the world.

00:10:28.466 --> 00:10:35.448
But a gift, but joy, yeah, one of the best gift givers there is a great gift giver.

00:10:35.629 --> 00:10:37.721
She is a top tier, like she really is.

00:10:37.721 --> 00:10:40.188
I appreciate gift givers.

00:10:40.188 --> 00:10:42.076
My brother is a really good gift giver.

00:10:42.076 --> 00:10:46.503
He's very thoughtful when he gives gifts and like so is my sister.

00:10:46.503 --> 00:10:51.692
They're very good at that I think um very good at making things special.

00:10:51.692 --> 00:10:52.260
You know what I mean.

00:10:52.260 --> 00:10:53.424
Like I'm horrible at that.

00:10:53.424 --> 00:10:54.548
I it's not.

00:10:54.548 --> 00:10:55.631
It's just not.

00:10:55.631 --> 00:10:57.658
It's not something that I do.

00:10:57.658 --> 00:10:59.082
Well, I need to make a correction.

00:10:59.082 --> 00:11:02.190
Um, my top one is actually quality time.

00:11:02.389 --> 00:11:05.345
I apologize I thought so, but I was gonna let you have it I flipped it.

00:11:05.365 --> 00:11:06.168
I flipped it so.

00:11:06.168 --> 00:11:07.472
So let me, I'm gonna redo mine.

00:11:07.472 --> 00:11:08.154
I was all wrong.

00:11:08.154 --> 00:11:10.042
So my top one, quality time.

00:11:10.042 --> 00:11:14.902
And then the next one is really words of affirmation, and then acts of service, physical touch and then gifts.

00:11:15.462 --> 00:11:19.149
So okay, not ruth abigail making up a list.

00:11:19.149 --> 00:11:19.951
I really I.

00:11:19.951 --> 00:11:20.533
I did.

00:11:20.533 --> 00:11:24.206
Ruth was like, uh see, you just like them people on them dating apps.

00:11:24.206 --> 00:11:31.695
Let me tell y'all something For everybody on the dating apps talking about what your love language is, that's the first thing they be like what's your love language?

00:11:31.695 --> 00:11:33.303
They putting it in the profiles and stuff.

00:11:33.303 --> 00:11:36.542
But you ain't took the assessment, so you ain't got no list.

00:11:36.542 --> 00:11:42.589
You can't put them in order and I'm tired of men thinking that all they got is physical touch.

00:11:42.589 --> 00:11:45.480
No, you got other ones so so it's really interesting.

00:11:45.600 --> 00:11:48.910
Those are ours but there are like like the most popular.

00:11:48.910 --> 00:12:06.976
So here the here are the most popular, that the most popular ones, the top two most popular, are actually quality time and physical touch, followed by words of affirmation, and then receiving gifts and acts of service are kind of like tied right yeah and so you, you're.

00:12:06.976 --> 00:12:11.410
It's really interesting, I think that quality time piece, that that's number one.

00:12:11.410 --> 00:12:12.885
Why do you think that's number one?

00:12:14.340 --> 00:12:30.517
I think quality time is number one because a lot of people I mean that's probably what a lot of people grew up with, you know was like the opportunity to like just spend time with people are like are either they grew up with there or was something that they crave.

00:12:30.559 --> 00:12:39.581
Because I think quality time goes into like pay me attention, right, and when they talk about quality time, it is not just we together, right.

00:12:39.581 --> 00:12:51.360
I for one have a lot of friends, close friends, whose top love language is quality time and it is my third, so I can speak it, but it is not, it is not my top preference.

00:12:51.360 --> 00:13:02.187
And so, like, when they come over and we're like watching a movie together, if I get on my phone, like I have one friend who will pause the movie and be like are you ready, are you ready to engage?

00:13:02.187 --> 00:13:07.169
And I'm like, ah, yeah, yeah, girl, come on.

00:13:07.169 --> 00:13:16.674
And I'm just like, oh, like they want all of you in that moment, and so I think that that one is just kind of more natural.

00:13:16.674 --> 00:13:21.943
I don't know too many people where quality time is their last one, that's a good point.

00:13:22.264 --> 00:13:27.945
Yeah, and I do think that we live in a culture, you know, we live in a culture that's so busy.

00:13:27.945 --> 00:13:35.288
I mean, we're always moving, and moving, and moving, and so anytime you take the time to stop with somebody, it does mean something, right?

00:13:35.288 --> 00:13:38.402
Like we don't stop with everybody.

00:13:38.481 --> 00:13:57.643
Everybody doesn't get us in a paused, you know um undistracted way like that yeah that is reserved for people who are special because we just don't have, we don't give ourselves that kind of time to just be, to just be, which I actually think is not healthy at all.

00:13:57.643 --> 00:14:16.852
Right, so I could see how quality time is at the top, because when people really, when they really want to be with you, right, and they really do like, they will put aside the time to do it, and it's not easy to do it, especially for people who I think are, um, you know, the audience of this podcast.

00:14:17.581 --> 00:14:18.201
we'd love to know.

00:14:18.221 --> 00:14:55.769
like you know, is it is quality time, hard to give because you are always moving again, Like you have a mindset towards growth, and that's a beautiful thing, but also it can have a backside to it, and one of them is you don't, we're not slow, we don't slow down, right, I mean there's kind of always going, going, going, going, going, going on to the next thing, because you got to keep moving up, you got to keep growing, you got to keep getting better and that can that can take a toll on our time, which which then can can limit the amount of time that you give to other people um for sure so the people you do give it to are pretty important.

00:14:55.889 --> 00:14:56.350
you know what I mean.

00:14:56.350 --> 00:15:12.609
Um, I definitely, I definitely am one of those people like when, when Ty is on his phone, when we're doing things, it cringes me a little bit, like it drives me a little crazy.

00:15:12.609 --> 00:15:15.349
Or like if we're talking, that's the biggest thing.

00:15:15.349 --> 00:15:23.393
If we're just sitting and not doing anything, I could take it more, but if we're having a conversation, hey man, you got to put the phone down, dog.

00:15:25.043 --> 00:15:26.288
You got to put the phone down.

00:15:26.308 --> 00:15:30.606
dog Like you got to put the phone down and I tell him he's like I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

00:15:30.606 --> 00:15:37.663
I said, hey, man, like I just or I'll just stand there, you know, and look at him and like, are you done which?

00:15:37.722 --> 00:15:53.923
is which is which sounds, which sounds crazy, but it's like I just I get that, you know it's really, that is something that it, it, it does, it does something to me, but I appreciate the way he responds, because he does respond but it isn't his top one.

00:15:53.923 --> 00:16:01.123
So, to the to that end, like it's, like we have to, there's there's there's tension in these relationships sometimes.

00:16:02.105 --> 00:16:10.948
And I think it's because if you take all of these at the surface level, you will miss the depth of what people really need.

00:16:10.948 --> 00:16:21.644
Right, like if I just say, oh, you need quality time while I showed up, and you don't really take the time to understand that there's depth to all of these.

00:16:21.644 --> 00:16:25.042
When I say my love language is words of affirmation, there's depth to all of these.

00:16:25.042 --> 00:16:31.984
When I say my love language is words of affirmation, that doesn't just mean, you know, I tell I teach people like the difference between an affirmation and a compliment.

00:16:31.984 --> 00:16:37.283
Right, like a compliment is oh, I like your glasses, right, well, thank you, right.

00:16:37.283 --> 00:16:45.447
But affirmation is, jaquita, you are always so stylish and always careful to present yourself in such a beautiful manner.

00:16:45.447 --> 00:16:48.201
I'm on the floor, I'm on the floor.

00:16:48.201 --> 00:16:58.989
When you take your time, you get what I'm saying and dig deeper, and I think that that's the whole meaning of it being a love language.

00:16:58.989 --> 00:17:06.914
That language has nuance, it has depth, it has I can, you can use five words to say the same thing.

00:17:06.914 --> 00:17:18.752
You can say that somebody is gorgeous, you can say that they're beautiful, you can say that they're stunning, you can say that they're breathtaking, and all of those mean the same thing, but then again they don't.

00:17:18.752 --> 00:17:24.832
There's nuance and there's depth to languages and all of these have nuance.

00:17:24.832 --> 00:17:39.570
And so if I say my love language, which it is, is physical touch, I just feel the need to clarify for the saints Physical touch is just touch, right, it's not all the things right, right.

00:17:39.570 --> 00:17:47.387
So, like for me, like I feel the need to like connect to people through touch Right, and I give this as an example.

00:17:47.387 --> 00:17:48.826
You all remember Amir.

00:17:48.826 --> 00:17:51.008
He was one of the guests on the pod.

00:17:51.008 --> 00:17:52.365
We love Amir.

00:17:52.365 --> 00:17:57.553
He was the one who had 10 jobs, you know, was giving out, was helping to give out PPP loans.

00:17:57.553 --> 00:17:59.924
Shout out to Amir.

00:17:59.924 --> 00:18:07.048
Amir's love language is not physical touch at all and I have what I like to call a hug ministry.

00:18:07.048 --> 00:18:11.155
Sure, okay, I like to minister through the hug.

00:18:11.155 --> 00:18:14.169
Okay, because there's a transfer there.

00:18:14.169 --> 00:18:19.551
You know, like you feel the love, you feel the goodness of my heart towards you.

00:18:19.551 --> 00:18:21.847
You know, you feel my intentions.

00:18:21.847 --> 00:18:23.921
Right, it's a ministry and I'm.

00:18:23.921 --> 00:18:27.851
You know there's a prayer going forth in the hug.

00:18:27.851 --> 00:18:28.573
Amen.

00:18:29.181 --> 00:18:36.553
Amir does not like hugs and I didn't realize that because I just automatically hug people and don't think about it.

00:18:36.553 --> 00:18:43.244
I didn't realize that until, like, we were at like a function and everybody was like, oh yeah, I've never hugged Amir and I was like what?

00:18:43.244 --> 00:18:46.267
By that time I had already given Amir like two, three hugs.

00:18:46.267 --> 00:18:51.531
You know I didn't hug him a lot, but you know there were some forced hugs, wow.

00:18:52.011 --> 00:19:02.903
But I had to learn that, like everybody doesn't receive love that way, and so for me, physical touch, but I still need to connect physically.

00:19:02.903 --> 00:19:15.869
So I was like, all right, amir, we're going to do hearty handshakes and so you know, like it's like a put it there, fella, you know, or like a high five or a fist bump, like because to me that's important to make physical connection.

00:19:15.869 --> 00:19:18.462
But like, again, it's nuance right.

00:19:18.462 --> 00:19:34.344
For me and Amir a handshake is just as meaningful as like a hug with me and someone else, and so, but you have to learn how to communicate in a way that you can both receive and give it in ways that are meaningful to people.

00:19:34.684 --> 00:19:47.320
So I think cause I have all these things running through my head, but I think it might be helpful for us just to go through and just share some of the things we've had to unlearn about love, language and really about love, like.

00:19:47.320 --> 00:19:47.760
I think.

00:19:47.760 --> 00:19:52.445
I think that you know, like love is such a.

00:19:52.445 --> 00:20:01.714
I was listening to a podcast the other day and he was actually somebody interviewing this entrepreneur who hit.

00:20:01.714 --> 00:20:06.862
The thing that he did was write a book and he had recently come out, or he had come out of prison.

00:20:06.862 --> 00:20:14.545
He'd been in prison for, I think, you know, several years and um wrote a book about the idea of loving an absent father.

00:20:15.145 --> 00:20:30.667
What was really interesting was um, he, the, the guy who was interviewing him really challenged him because he said you know, so how, how often have you seen him?

00:20:30.667 --> 00:20:34.363
And he said, well, I, we haven't talked really since that he got out of prison.

00:20:34.363 --> 00:20:37.481
They really haven't really just talked and he ignores his phone calls and all this stuff.

00:20:37.481 --> 00:20:37.903
They haven't.

00:20:37.903 --> 00:20:41.480
And he said, well, I don't, I don't think you know how to love him you.

00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:42.502
How do you know how to love him?

00:20:42.502 --> 00:20:44.247
You haven't communicated, you don't really.

00:20:44.247 --> 00:20:46.971
He won't even pick up your phone call or whatever.

00:20:46.971 --> 00:20:48.054
And it's not that he was saying.

00:20:48.054 --> 00:20:57.172
I mean, he was just like I don't believe that you actually have an idea of how to love this person because you haven't really interacted with them.

00:20:57.172 --> 00:21:00.221
So how can you teach people how to do something that you haven't done?

00:21:00.643 --> 00:21:03.811
And so it was kind of this back and forth and he was really challenging him.

00:21:03.811 --> 00:21:12.326
And then he done, and so it was kind of this back and forth and he was really challenging him, and they said what do you feel like?

00:21:12.326 --> 00:21:13.288
What do you believe love is like?

00:21:13.288 --> 00:21:13.628
Define love.

00:21:13.628 --> 00:21:14.770
And the first thing he said was love is a feeling.

00:21:14.770 --> 00:21:17.536
And immediately I I said okay, yeah, I mean it it's, it's just not like.

00:21:17.536 --> 00:21:18.800
I think we have to.

00:21:18.800 --> 00:21:23.190
I think we have to establish that love is really.

00:21:23.190 --> 00:21:33.628
Love is a series of decisions that you make on a regular basis in the service of somebody else, not you.

00:21:34.390 --> 00:21:40.104
I think that people get the ideas of love and intention mixed up, like.

00:21:40.104 --> 00:21:46.454
I think that, like when you say that you love somebody, you know, I think that love does produce feelings.

00:21:46.454 --> 00:22:02.515
It produces feelings of being satisfied, it produces feelings of being adored, it produces feel, you know, like, yes, love is an action word but there is also a feeling of being loved, right.

00:22:02.515 --> 00:22:08.582
That I think you know, and I think that it encapsulates kind of both of what you're saying.

00:22:08.582 --> 00:22:35.166
But I also think that we sometimes, when we say we love someone, we forget that it's an exchange and so in order for you to really love someone, it does require some sort of interaction, you know, and I don't think that we kind of break that down and kind of break it apart enough to really understand that.

00:22:35.595 --> 00:22:44.984
Well, and I also think it requires tension, because you it's you know even um, I mean just even even in scripture.

00:22:44.984 --> 00:22:46.875
You know this idea of loving your enemies.

00:22:46.875 --> 00:22:49.602
It is easy to love someone who loves you back.

00:22:49.602 --> 00:22:53.217
It is easy to love somebody who loves you the way you want to be loved.

00:22:53.217 --> 00:23:05.122
And that test, though, of love isn't really there until you feel the tension of what it's like to love somebody who doesn't love you back or who doesn't love you the way you want to be loved.

00:23:05.122 --> 00:23:10.355
Can you give love if you don't receive it the way you want to?

00:23:10.355 --> 00:23:18.409
Can you give love even if that person doesn't try to love you at all?

00:23:18.630 --> 00:23:25.130
right, Is love contingent upon there being an exchange, or does love do?

00:23:25.130 --> 00:23:28.096
Are you choosing to love regardless of what you get back?

00:23:28.096 --> 00:23:46.612
And that, to me, I think that's a that's an elevated understanding of the language, because that, to me, is something that we have to unlearn about love period is that there's a requirement of an exchange for me to give it.

00:23:46.612 --> 00:23:50.304
There isn't Like I can give it and not get it back.

00:23:50.304 --> 00:23:51.921
That is actually true.

00:23:52.714 --> 00:23:54.423
It is much harder, right?

00:23:54.423 --> 00:24:05.884
Actually, true, it is much harder, right, it's much harder, and it requires a level of maturity in order to accomplish that.

00:24:05.884 --> 00:24:12.686
But I do think that that is kind of that again, that next elevated level of understanding around the idea of love period, right?

00:24:13.976 --> 00:24:20.221
Yeah, I'm thinking my mind keeps going to first Corinthians 13, of course, the love, chapter Um, and.

00:24:20.221 --> 00:24:43.163
And even in that like there is, because I do think that a lot of times, even when we say we love God, right, like, there has to be a, an expression of that love right, even in times where you don't feel satisfied or content with where life is, with how things have played out or whatever.

00:24:43.163 --> 00:24:59.579
You know, like the idea that love never fails to me indicates that love persists even when everything else around me fails, right, even when this thing that I was really hoping God was going to do, or I was really hoping was going to come through for me didn't.

00:24:59.579 --> 00:25:43.236
My love has to persist past that, and I think that there is a huge need for people to really learn love in a way that first addresses their own pain, so that, because I don't think that we're persisting past our own stuff, you know, I don't think that we I don't think that we are are adequately loving ourselves, and so when the Bible says, love your neighbor as you love yourself, it's a lot of, it's a lot of um, of kind of unmet needs going on, because we don't know how to meet our own needs, and I think that that's something that the love languages kind of points to.

00:25:43.236 --> 00:25:50.016
Is that, when I think about my love languages, am I doing those things for myself, right, like?

00:25:50.016 --> 00:25:52.400
Am I giving myself words of affirmation?

00:25:52.400 --> 00:25:53.161
Right?

00:25:53.161 --> 00:25:56.266
Do I allow myself to be embraced?

00:25:56.266 --> 00:26:09.980
One of the things that I had to unlearn about my love languages was this idea that as long as somebody is expressing love, I'll receive it, and I did not.

00:26:10.421 --> 00:26:18.821
It took me a minute to realize that I had to go through my own healing journey to be able to adequately receive love that was being expressed to me.

00:26:18.821 --> 00:26:30.142
I remember one time I was dating somebody and they were giving me compliments on top of compliments, and again, my love language is words of affirmation and I was just like yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever, whatever, whatever.

00:26:30.142 --> 00:26:31.786
And he was like pause.

00:26:31.786 --> 00:27:00.961
He was like you're really not good at receiving compliments, and it like kind of took me back because I loved it when he gave me compliments, but I, um, I wasn't receiving them because I wasn't in a place where I really believe those things about myself, and so I had to go through my own journey in order for the things that people were expressing to me for them to feel like it was filling up my love tank and that I wasn't fighting myself.

00:27:02.384 --> 00:27:06.940
And I think that a lot of times we are looking for people to fill these voids.

00:27:06.940 --> 00:27:10.957
Nobody will be able to fill anything if you don't take the lid off.

00:27:10.957 --> 00:27:19.601
If you don't take the lid off of your hurt, your pain, your past experiences, how you have built these walls up around yourself.

00:27:19.601 --> 00:27:26.440
You are not going to be able to receive it until you learn to really open yourself up to it.

00:27:26.440 --> 00:27:35.912
Uh and and after that, that really started me on a journey of being like huh, what else have I not received that was being freely given Right Like there?

00:27:35.912 --> 00:27:49.167
There are things that are being like, poured out on us, and a lot of times we feel unloved, not because not, not because love is not present, but because we have not been open to receive what was being presented.

00:27:50.795 --> 00:27:51.115
How?

00:27:51.115 --> 00:27:53.440
How has that impacted your relationship with God?

00:27:53.440 --> 00:27:59.690
When you got there, got that revelation of opening your lid to receiving love?

00:28:01.316 --> 00:28:02.159
I started.

00:28:02.159 --> 00:28:03.461
This was probably.

00:28:03.461 --> 00:28:05.186
I was right out of divinity school.

00:28:05.186 --> 00:28:13.003
I actually started hearing God on who I actually was, because I could not.

00:28:13.003 --> 00:28:20.420
I could not receive that God thought well of me or spoke well of me or had you know.

00:28:20.420 --> 00:28:29.866
I believed he had good plans for me, but I thought I was the one that I was in the way and I stopped thinking of myself in the negative sense of.

00:28:30.188 --> 00:28:38.904
You know, I was just praying last night and the Lord these are literally things that the Lord said to me last night and I'm like these are the same things that the Lord said to me in 2013.

00:28:39.286 --> 00:28:42.038
These are the same things that the Lord said to me in 2009.

00:28:42.038 --> 00:28:49.597
Like, I remember him saying like, rest in my love, Like you are in my timing, you're where you're supposed to be.

00:28:49.597 --> 00:29:26.417
You haven't, you know, you haven't done anything wrong, because I was in this place of blaming myself for anything that went wrong in my life and feeling like a failure and, like you know, like I was never going to be good enough or worthy enough and I was never going to be able to to get right enough in order to deserve anything from God, and so I wasn't receiving anything and I was staying in a really broken place emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually, just broken.

00:29:26.417 --> 00:29:40.122
But it wasn't until I started learning to receive the love of God that I allowed myself to be built up by the good words and the good plans and the good intentions and the good thoughts that God thought towards me.

00:29:40.122 --> 00:29:43.676
But it took it took me a minute to be able to receive those.

00:29:44.679 --> 00:29:52.718
Yeah, so I asked that because, um, you know it's, it's often, at least, and I've, I've found this in my own life, like I've.

00:29:52.718 --> 00:29:53.018
I've.

00:29:53.018 --> 00:30:13.624
One of the things I've had to unlearn, just in general, about relationships is that that my relationship with, with the way that I relate to God, I've had to unlearn that the way I relate to God doesn't impact how I relate to people, or vice versa because it really is a mirroring effect.

00:30:13.743 --> 00:30:27.727
I mean, if I am, I am, if I am, if I am not open to people, I'm likely not open to God, and vice versa If I'm not open to God, I'm not open to people, and so, which also show like I'm, I'm not open to my to myself.

00:30:27.767 --> 00:30:37.814
I like what you said about like are you giving yourself what you need, right Are, and then are, and then are you able to receive what you need, even from God?

00:30:37.814 --> 00:30:48.019
Because we focus these love languages on other people but we kind of neglect that side of things and we don't realize that it all works together.

00:30:48.019 --> 00:30:54.849
I learned a while back.

00:30:54.849 --> 00:31:05.846
I learned a while back like the way that I was like to your point, I was not receiving the love of God, and I think I've talked about this on other episodes we've done.

00:31:05.846 --> 00:31:11.827
But, like with understanding even how to be loved by my friends, I had to come to that.

00:31:11.827 --> 00:31:24.347
I had to get there in my own mind and make a decision that I was going to live with my lid open, like because it was shut it was, it was shut, and it was shut.

00:31:24.635 --> 00:31:29.395
It was shut tight you know what I'm saying Like and it, but it was shut tight to both God and people.

00:31:29.395 --> 00:31:46.866
Right, and the way that I was in the the, the revelation of it being open to people, helped me again to open it to God, and here's why I think that's important to realize is because, at the end of the day, people aren't going to always be able to fill your tank period.

00:31:49.576 --> 00:31:50.298
They're not going to fill it.

00:31:50.317 --> 00:31:53.547
Uh, they may not give it the way you want you you best receive it or they might not give you enough of it, or give it to you at the right.

00:31:53.567 --> 00:32:23.624
May not give it the way you want you you best receive it, or they might not give you enough of it, or give it to you at the right time, or give it to you and you know, all these things, but god will, and so, like you can find that there, and I think that's where that's how we're able to at least I'll say this that's how I'm able to continue to love without needing to, without needing another human or other humans to give it back, because I realized that my source, the source of receiving love, actually starts with God.

00:32:23.624 --> 00:32:47.259
It's really hard to, it's really hard to love at this level and love, uh, love with consideration of other people's languages as well as your own, but but other people's languages without knowing that you have a source to fill your own tank that doesn't necessarily mean them.

00:32:47.740 --> 00:32:58.622
That's really hard to do and I found, like you know, you know, being marriage will teach you a lot of that, like that's that we talk about it in the context of marriage a lot, but it'll teach you a lot of that.

00:32:58.622 --> 00:33:01.662
Like you know, it's just not going to.

00:33:01.662 --> 00:33:04.377
You're not going to receive everything you want from that person.

00:33:04.538 --> 00:33:17.469
All the time but if you, if you know, at the end of the day, that I do have a source from which I can receive it, then I can give it freely and not necessarily feel like I have to do it.

00:33:17.469 --> 00:33:21.522
It's not a deal, like I don't have to make a deal with you, right?

00:33:21.522 --> 00:33:29.720
And I think a lot of us live in a deal, deal based relationships because we actually don't know where, where our actual source comes from.

00:33:30.301 --> 00:33:31.345
Yeah, no, that's good.

00:33:31.345 --> 00:33:48.771
I think that it kind of brings me to one of the second things that I had to unlearn was this idea that, like, in order to like be loved, I had to become everything that other people quote, unquote needed me to be.

00:33:48.771 --> 00:33:58.490
But really I was doing that because I wanted to be accepted and not necessarily because I wanted to just shower them with love.

00:33:58.490 --> 00:34:20.039
Right, a lot of times I sometimes I did it out of fear because if, if I didn't, you know, I was learning how to try to escape people's anger versus, like, getting to a point where we could both feel love, I was like, let me assuage you, let me make you feel complacent.

00:34:20.039 --> 00:34:21.181
What do you like?

00:34:21.181 --> 00:34:22.423
Quality time.

00:34:22.423 --> 00:34:23.967
Let's watch a movie.

00:34:23.967 --> 00:34:32.735
Right, because I was, you know, earlier in my 20s, talking about, you know, young adulthood versus you know, middle adulthood.

00:34:32.735 --> 00:34:35.300
And, by the way, somebody got on me for using the word middle adult.

00:34:35.300 --> 00:34:43.510
It's a real thing, okay, it's a real, it's a real deal thing, right, and it's not middle age.

00:34:43.510 --> 00:34:45.780
We had to get on the mirror about that too.

00:34:45.780 --> 00:34:48.009
Middle adult, middle adult.

00:34:48.650 --> 00:35:00.150
But I think one of the differences is is that in our twenties we were surrounded by other people in their 20s who were also very broken, and it was, it was it could be a toxic place at times.

00:35:00.150 --> 00:35:07.963
You know, like I had a lot of really close friends and people that I would spend a lot of time with that.

00:35:07.963 --> 00:35:18.719
We were kind of rubbing against each other's rough edges, because that's part of the process of being in your 20s you don't even realize the edges are rough because you just live it.

00:35:18.719 --> 00:35:39.630
But you know, like a lot of what I experienced for me, um, based off of the way that I was just kind of dealing with my own trauma and dealing with, you know, understanding who I was and how I showed up, it was do everything you can to not get other people to blow up and to keep them.

00:35:40.115 --> 00:35:58.420
I was trying to pacify people because I did not want to have those confrontations that will force me to be honest and force me to be in a truthful space, and so instead I was like let me just create a lot of fun environments where people feel like they are relaxed and composed.

00:35:58.420 --> 00:36:01.606
And oh, you like quality time and I know you like movies.

00:36:01.606 --> 00:36:02.815
Let's watch a movie.

00:36:02.815 --> 00:36:05.300
Oh, you like words of affirmation?

00:36:05.300 --> 00:36:06.041
Here's a card.

00:36:06.041 --> 00:36:12.121
You know like I was trying my best to do it, but I think that you cannot.

00:36:12.121 --> 00:36:18.715
Love cannot be manipulativeulative, even when you think you are manipulating for positive reasons.

00:36:19.496 --> 00:36:41.164
If it is anything less than the truth, it's not love yeah if it is anything less than a well-intentioned uh desire that another person's tank is filled or that another person's life is made better, even when Ruth Abigail tells me that I can't sing.

00:36:41.414 --> 00:36:48.606
I was really hoping to bring that back around, because I think this is an excellent point, because I be telling the truth and you want to say that it's because I love you.

00:36:48.606 --> 00:36:48.974
I want to.

00:36:48.974 --> 00:36:52.817
I want to just call back earlier because you actually said that you repeated it.

00:36:52.817 --> 00:36:53.496
That's all I want to say.

00:36:53.496 --> 00:36:53.797
Keep going.

00:36:54.516 --> 00:37:22.208
Y'all before my initial sermon, like the first time that I got in front of a public audience to declare myself as a minister, unto the Lord, ruth Abigail, who lovingly came to stay with me a day or two ahead, like set me down and was like, hey, you may feel the urge to get up there and sing before you preach, and I'm here to tell you right now absolutely do not.

00:37:22.208 --> 00:37:23.949
You may, I don't.

00:37:23.949 --> 00:37:32.992
She was like I don't care how the spirit falls, I don't care what comes on you that makes you think you should sing in that mic.

00:37:32.992 --> 00:37:35.054
Absolutely do not.

00:37:35.054 --> 00:37:38.215
Okay, now I'm just going to leave that right there.

00:37:38.215 --> 00:37:42.126
I'm going to leave that right there and I want y'all to hold that.

00:37:42.206 --> 00:37:43.637
And, by the way, this was unprovoked.

00:37:43.637 --> 00:37:51.277
This was unprovoked, right, and I want you guys to judge that and tell me how would you feel?

00:37:51.277 --> 00:37:57.829
Loved and also, put on top of that, I'm nervous as I've ever been in my entire life.

00:37:57.829 --> 00:38:09.768
Right, she had to force me to eat, like she was like, come on, let's go get some food, cause I was, I was beyond nervous, and then your loving, beautiful friend drops that on you.

00:38:09.768 --> 00:38:14.005
I'm just going to leave that there for y'all, cause this has been a constant issue for us.

00:38:14.005 --> 00:38:23.565
We were, we y'all, we were president and vice president of the gospel choir together Right For two years, and this is what I had to hear.

00:38:23.565 --> 00:38:25.860
Ok, so I'm just putting that there.

00:38:25.860 --> 00:38:28.786
Nevertheless, like I was saying, you're welcome.

00:38:29.215 --> 00:38:42.826
I think that, like I had to learn and that's why those relationships in that form were failing, yeah, like we were not growing closer, we were not overcoming obstacles, we were.

00:38:42.826 --> 00:39:08.469
It was going growing more and more toxic and, um, and I was growing more and more depressed, like more and more like I, I was trying to love but finding myself, and you know that whole like love your enemy thing, like I was, I was struggling because I, an enemy at that time, felt, like somebody who made you feel unloved.

00:39:08.875 --> 00:39:08.974
Sure.

00:39:09.715 --> 00:39:14.739
You know and and I did not know, and I did not know, I didn't know.

00:39:14.739 --> 00:39:20.985
It's hard to know how to love someone when you don't feel like you have any love in your own tank.

00:39:20.985 --> 00:39:27.351
Yeah, and I didn't know anything about how to fill my own tank up at that time.

00:39:27.351 --> 00:39:38.335
I just I was.

00:39:38.335 --> 00:39:40.260
All I knew how to do was to try to get other people to do it somehow.

00:39:40.280 --> 00:39:42.887
I also think again, words of affirmation and physical touch are my top two, and I was getting none of that.

00:39:42.907 --> 00:39:43.429
None of it.

00:39:43.429 --> 00:39:44.876
I was getting the opposite.

00:39:44.876 --> 00:39:58.235
I wasn't getting hit or anything, but the words felt like daggers and the relationship felt physically, like my body was physically reacting in a way that made me feel threatened.

00:39:58.235 --> 00:40:01.061
Um, and so I.

00:40:01.061 --> 00:40:01.942
I had to.

00:40:01.942 --> 00:40:08.139
I had to learn to retreat and and and refine myself and not blame other people.

00:40:08.139 --> 00:40:23.199
You know, for you know, like any area of my life where I was like they didn't love me, you know, like, I think, in your middle adult years, like you're like all right, yeah, things happened, things were wrong, things were not right, but I want a great life.

00:40:23.199 --> 00:40:27.347
I don't want a good one, I want a great life, and I'm not.

00:40:27.347 --> 00:40:30.217
I can't have a great life if I keep holding on to all these things.

00:40:30.217 --> 00:40:34.684
So it's now my responsibility to to find a way past it.

00:40:35.704 --> 00:41:12.748
So this kind of brings me to, I think, something that I think is important to unlearn, that I've had to unlearn, is that the language learning, learning the language learning, how to be fluent in it, is a process not just for you but for the people around you and it we, we can't expect, uh, immediate results a lot of times right like it is a process and we are in a continual, whether we sometimes we're like pursuing growth, but whether you're in, you're growing in some way because things are.

00:41:13.054 --> 00:41:15.518
Things are shifting right, I mean you just, you, just are.

00:41:15.518 --> 00:41:31.579
And so even what you were saying Queda about like how you were in your, you know, in your younger years, like in your in your twenties, and like, and, and being surrounded by a lot of people who are still new to the language.

00:41:31.579 --> 00:41:41.916
Not just for you, but for them, right and just, we're all being introduced, reintroduced to ourselves.

00:41:41.916 --> 00:41:43.719
We're learning new things about ourselves.

00:41:43.780 --> 00:41:50.601
So the language is new and um, you know, and I again, I love, I just I love the way he puts.

00:41:50.601 --> 00:41:54.056
He puts it into a language, because we are, we're constantly learning new language.

00:41:54.056 --> 00:41:58.585
I mean, you know the the older we get, the more you know.

00:41:58.885 --> 00:42:38.655
The more you read, the more words you're in that are introduced to your brain, the better a communicator you become and and so, like I think it's, it's the same thing with this right the more uh, the more love uh that you are exposed to, the the better your language gets like, and that sometimes that just takes time, and so I think we have to unlearn that, just because you know your love languages and just because somebody else knows theirs, that you're going to find immediate results of of like it is a filling of the tank, it's not in, it's like a, it's not a, like a, like a huge gallon of.

00:42:38.655 --> 00:42:40.800
It's not a one big dump, it is a.

00:42:40.800 --> 00:42:58.536
It is a, sometimes a slow trickle, like sometimes it's a drip, you know, and we're dripping and we're just it's a, it's a faucet drip, right, or it's a slow stream, it's got it's, it's filling, but it ain't gonna be full for a minute my lord and that's real and we have to.

00:42:58.757 --> 00:43:02.545
we have to be patient through that process with other people, right?

00:43:02.545 --> 00:43:12.976
And I think that's again part of the reality of um, of of being in relationships like it's and not be not giving up on them, right?

00:43:12.976 --> 00:43:17.547
Uh, I think that that we live in a culture where we do expect everything to be fast.

00:43:17.547 --> 00:43:19.981
Of course, our generation is called the microwave generation.

00:43:19.981 --> 00:43:24.322
I don't know what this one's called, but whatever, it didn't need to be quicker because it is even faster.

00:43:24.322 --> 00:43:34.643
There's an expectation of I should be from here to there in two minutes, like I should be able to listen to this 30 second clip and then tomorrow be a different person.

00:43:37.335 --> 00:43:55.224
No, that's not going to be the case um and we give up on relationships really fast as a result of that right like we, we give up on relationships and we make these assumptions that, no, this I, it can't, it can't work, it won't work because they aren't doing this, they aren't doing that.

00:43:55.224 --> 00:44:06.175
Well, they, you just got here, like you just got here, um, I think that's the often, like you know, been married for a little over a year.

00:44:06.175 --> 00:44:10.621
Um, been in this relationship for almost four.

00:44:10.621 --> 00:44:13.784
Yeah, it'll be, yeah, yeah, 2020.

00:44:13.784 --> 00:44:15.327
When did we meet?

00:44:15.327 --> 00:44:16.409
I don't forgot 21.

00:44:16.449 --> 00:44:36.394
Okay, yeah, so almost four, and I find myself having to manage my expectations of us as a couple of how well we know each other, of how well we love each other, of how you know what we communicate, of how you know all those things.

00:44:36.394 --> 00:44:53.025
I have to manage my expectations around that process because in my head I have these examples of people who have been together for 25, 30 years my parents or friends of ours or whatever and it's like you can't look at them and think that you're going to get where they are without just having the time that they've had.

00:44:53.025 --> 00:44:57.277
You know, they the think that you're going to get where they are without just having the time that they've had.

00:44:58.000 --> 00:45:11.565
You know they the love that they're showing each other, the language of love that they are expressing and using, they've been using for years and it's over time and it is it's refined Right.

00:45:11.565 --> 00:45:28.385
And so we I can't expect to have that same refined language with my husband and somebody who's been with theirs for 30 years it's not realistic, and I can't use that as an excuse to give up on the process, and so that process thing is really important.

00:45:28.726 --> 00:45:30.356
Don't expect people, don't expect.

00:45:30.356 --> 00:45:31.960
Just again, you take the test.

00:45:31.960 --> 00:45:33.543
Oh, this is my love language.

00:45:33.543 --> 00:45:37.840
Let me tell all my friends, let me tell my family, let me tell my spouse, tell my partner whatever.

00:45:37.840 --> 00:45:44.179
And um, now, now I'm gonna be loved, now I'm gonna feel, feel my love takes gonna get full tomorrow.

00:45:44.179 --> 00:45:47.907
It won't so manage that, manage that expectation.

00:45:47.907 --> 00:45:50.677
It's good that you're learning it, but then you gotta live with it.

00:45:50.677 --> 00:45:53.759
You gotta let other people live with the reality after you've learned it.

00:45:54.338 --> 00:46:13.259
Yeah, I think that kind of reminds me of of another one that I had to unlearn is that a lot of times, people don't recognize the amount of sacrifice that goes into the learning process, like for me.

00:46:13.259 --> 00:46:15.646
Again, quality time is my third.

00:46:15.646 --> 00:46:19.679
It's one that I can speak, but it's not usually one that I prefer.

00:46:19.679 --> 00:46:23.367
Um, these y'all somebody tell me how to keep these in.

00:46:23.367 --> 00:46:32.364
Give me the secret, because the way these things are unfaithful, they are unfaithful.

00:46:32.364 --> 00:46:38.012
Um, I, I was finding myself drained.

00:46:38.114 --> 00:46:40.942
I tell people I am very much an extrovert.

00:46:40.942 --> 00:46:42.565
Everybody who knows me knows that.

00:46:42.565 --> 00:46:43.407
It's not a secret.

00:46:43.407 --> 00:46:44.858
You know I am.

00:46:44.858 --> 00:46:46.681
I am clearly an extrovert.

00:46:46.681 --> 00:46:49.847
I am also an extrovert that likes her alone time.

00:46:49.847 --> 00:46:56.409
I need, and I have sacrificed so much of my downtime to give people their quality time.

00:46:56.409 --> 00:47:04.380
And when I get there, because I'm bubbly and because I'm excited, like, people think like, oh yeah, this is great, this is what we both wanted to do.

00:47:04.380 --> 00:47:10.407
No, baby, I wanted to be on my couch by myself, talking to no one.

00:47:10.407 --> 00:47:13.280
Ok, doing a bunch of nothing.

00:47:13.280 --> 00:47:16.128
You know various forms of nothing.

00:47:16.128 --> 00:47:40.001
And when people don't know that, like you are actively giving of yourself in order to meet their needs, when they are not mindful of it, and then their expectations are off, you know like, because they think oh yeah, jaquita always wants to spend quality time and a lot of people probably think that's one of my number ones.

00:47:40.161 --> 00:47:46.664
Yeah, it's not it's not you know, but it's one that I will give freely.

00:47:46.664 --> 00:47:55.887
You know, acts of acts of service is a way that it's one of the top ways that I express love, because, mostly because I have a hard time saying no.

00:47:55.887 --> 00:48:03.047
It's not because I don't want to say no Most times I do, but it's you know what I'm saying.

00:48:03.047 --> 00:48:13.510
And so I think sometimes if we took a step back and realize that love is not always easy, it's not always natural.

00:48:13.510 --> 00:48:15.500
The Bible says God is love.

00:48:15.500 --> 00:48:16.983
It does not say we are love.

00:48:16.983 --> 00:48:23.706
It means we are constantly learning and growing in love and to give people grace.

00:48:23.706 --> 00:48:37.608
When you tell somebody that your love language is words of affirmation and they don't quite hit it like you want to hit it sometimes, you have to recognize that the attempt is already loving Like you know what I'm saying.

00:48:37.608 --> 00:48:51.976
The effort is loving and allow them to continue to if they're, if they're willing to put in the effort, if they are willing to put in the effort to get to know you and to um and to understand you right.

00:48:51.976 --> 00:49:10.565
For instance, one thing and I didn't realize this until I was writing notes for this session words of affirmation is my top, but written words of affirmation hit so much harder when people say things, because I talk to myself like that.

00:49:10.565 --> 00:49:14.340
When people say things, it's more confirmation than affirmation.

00:49:14.340 --> 00:49:16.425
I'm like, oh, thank you.

00:49:16.425 --> 00:49:18.661
They're like, oh, you look nice today, Thank you.

00:49:18.661 --> 00:49:23.521
I already told myself that I looked in the mirror this morning and said, girl, you did that.

00:49:23.521 --> 00:49:27.596
Okay, Right, you know, like because I started learning to speak my own languages.

00:49:27.596 --> 00:49:39.398
But when somebody writes it and took their time, use their good handwriting and took their time, used their good handwriting.

00:49:39.418 --> 00:49:40.583
I had a coworker who stopped by my office.

00:49:40.583 --> 00:49:41.806
I wasn't there, left me a handwritten note, wrecked me.

00:49:41.806 --> 00:49:45.920
I was sitting there, tears in my eyes like this, so beautiful, and it ain't say nothing.

00:49:45.920 --> 00:49:47.543
It ain't even say nothing that deep.

00:49:47.543 --> 00:49:57.449
It was just like I'm so sorry I missed you, you know, I just really enjoyed blah, blah, blah, you know, and I'm just like, ah, tears, you know.

00:49:57.449 --> 00:50:01.041
And so, hey, I'm giving somebody the game.

00:50:01.041 --> 00:50:04.757
If you was really, if you was ready to shoot your shot, that's good.

00:50:04.757 --> 00:50:08.391
Send me a little message, that's good a text message too will do it.

00:50:08.431 --> 00:50:12.018
That's when a nice long text that nice long text.

00:50:12.639 --> 00:50:22.344
I was uh, I've been recently, recently trying to create room on my phone because I realized it's gotten out of control the amount of pictures and screenshots and selfies.

00:50:22.505 --> 00:50:23.467
It's gotten out of control.

00:50:23.467 --> 00:50:31.885
And I went back and I had screenshot all these messages that people wrote on Facebook about me, just nice things that they just said for no reason.

00:50:31.885 --> 00:50:38.722
And I was just looking back and I was like, ooh, that's the one you know.

00:50:38.722 --> 00:50:53.440
But I don't think that we always realize that the give and take like you need to be aware, especially in a romantic relationship.

00:50:53.440 --> 00:51:25.076
You need to be really cognizant of when people are making effort, when people are making effort to give you love, and when people are making effort, when people are making effort to give you love, and when people are making effort to kind of pull back on their expectations a little bit, when they, when you know somebody is like man, I really wish that they would give more affirmation, or that they would give me more physical touch or that they would give me more gifts, like if you know that your partner is needing that and your effort is still minimal, then you're part of the problem yeah you know, I'm saying like effort goes a long way it goes a long way.

00:51:25.255 --> 00:51:30.324
It it so, um, so, something I appreciated this morning.

00:51:30.324 --> 00:51:33.510
Right got up, as y'all can see.

00:51:33.510 --> 00:51:34.737
Y'all normally watch this.

00:51:34.737 --> 00:51:40.219
Uh, I have a thing of tea in my hand, like I have a nice cup and I do every time.

00:51:40.239 --> 00:51:41.483
So I went in there to make my tea.

00:51:41.483 --> 00:51:43.648
I've been gone for a couple days.

00:51:43.648 --> 00:51:46.561
Go up there and look up where my, where my tea should be.

00:51:46.561 --> 00:51:47.362
I don't see any tea.

00:51:47.362 --> 00:51:50.416
I go in uh ty's asleep.

00:51:50.416 --> 00:51:51.677
Do I wake him up?

00:51:51.677 --> 00:51:54.442
Absolutely, because I need, I need my tea.

00:51:54.442 --> 00:52:00.070
Leave my brother alone and I said, hey, hey, do you know where my tea is?

00:52:00.070 --> 00:52:08.461
He said, oh, I think I threw it away.

00:52:08.461 --> 00:52:18.679
So I very I was like you know, I was totally prepared to be like, okay, all right, no problem, it's cool, like I'm, I'm cool, I'll just figure it out, I'll go pick up some later, or whatever.

00:52:18.679 --> 00:52:25.659
This man gets up out of bed, goes to the store, gets me this tea now.

00:52:25.659 --> 00:52:27.643
Did he have to do that absolutely?

00:52:28.726 --> 00:52:32.117
you got you a real one I did you got you a real one I did.

00:52:32.157 --> 00:52:35.023
I'm just waiting for us to finish with this recording so I can go make my tea.

00:52:35.083 --> 00:52:44.420
But um, but uh, but I thought you were gonna say to go give him a hug, a little smooch or something he gotta thank you, no, no, I'm just playing.

00:52:44.440 --> 00:52:49.056
But no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, but, but, but but for real, like that was.

00:52:49.056 --> 00:52:54.244
And so what I had to learn to do in that moment was I did I need it?

00:52:54.244 --> 00:52:55.987
No, I didn't need it.

00:52:55.987 --> 00:53:01.242
But his love language is, is acts of service, toppity top, top to the toppity top.

00:53:01.463 --> 00:53:26.894
Okay absolutely, it is um, and he does it better than, honestly, anybody I know he, he is the best servant I've ever talked to you um, and I knew, if I pushed back on him doing something, that really would not just feel feel my need but also feel his love tank, like it would feel his love tank to do something for me that I knew.

00:53:26.914 --> 00:53:28.101
Yeah, that's good.

00:53:28.375 --> 00:53:35.719
Even though I would have been okay, like, and even though, honestly, like I didn't in that moment I didn't want him to feel like he had to do it for me.

00:53:35.719 --> 00:53:41.269
It's like, you know, I felt kind of bad, you know, even saying it, but I was like, but honestly I thought he had misplaced it.

00:53:41.269 --> 00:53:51.240
My deal was like, maybe just put it somewhere else, and I just need him to tell me where it was, and so that's really why I went in there.

00:53:51.240 --> 00:53:58.449
But when he said, but he did it, he got up and he went and he got this tea and I appreciated it.

00:53:58.449 --> 00:53:59.871
I appreciate it so much.

00:53:59.871 --> 00:54:12.135
But, like, like we have to let people do the things that that we, that we, that they, that they are naturally gifted to do, to help you know to, you know what I'm saying.

00:54:12.135 --> 00:54:21.329
Does that like sometimes we have to do that Like, and we have to just let people love us, like yeah, just let let you, let me love you.

00:54:21.769 --> 00:54:27.304
Sorry, we weren't gonna keep going, okay um, no, no, I wasn't because I would have.

00:54:27.304 --> 00:54:30.215
But then I was like jaquita, don't sing on air you're right.

00:54:30.596 --> 00:54:31.436
Um, you did right.

00:54:31.436 --> 00:54:42.402
You stopped yourself, but but that little part wasn't bad, uh, so, so, so, yes, so, yes, yes, yes, anyway, uh, I was trying to connect what that.

00:54:42.402 --> 00:54:45.215
That was an example of what you were saying did I do a good job?

00:54:45.215 --> 00:54:46.878
Did I, did, I, did, I did I?

00:54:46.918 --> 00:54:48.161
no, no, you did a perfect job.

00:54:48.161 --> 00:54:51.976
It reminded me of and shout out my brother ty.

00:54:51.976 --> 00:54:53.139
Shout out my brother ty.

00:54:53.139 --> 00:54:54.601
That's why we love him so much.

00:54:54.601 --> 00:55:16.423
But it reminded me of something I was talking to a guy at one point and he was talking about, like, how he's a giver and he was like you know, like it's just part of who he is, like he's going to give, and he was saying that anyone that he is with will have to understand that.

00:55:16.423 --> 00:55:26.300
Like because it's not something that he can turn off, and I think a lot of times we go into relationships trying to relegate who we think people should be.

00:55:26.300 --> 00:55:48.240
You know, like because when you have being able to say your man is a giver is cute, until until your bank account, until you trying to go on a vacation and he done gave it all away, you know, until you trying to cook and ain't nothing but ramen in the cupboard.

00:55:48.240 --> 00:55:52.360
Okay, you know, see how you feel.

00:55:52.360 --> 00:55:59.143
You know, but like it's we don't always, always one.

00:55:59.302 --> 00:56:01.469
There's going to be some give and take in a relationship.

00:56:01.469 --> 00:56:20.128
Like you're going to have to allow your partner to give you some checks and balances, right, like uh, I listened to uh Kev on stage and Melissa Fredericks I listened to them all the time Talk about like you know, like he's like the dreamer and the go forward and the take risks and you know I'm going to make it and we're going to be all right.

00:56:20.128 --> 00:56:20.909
And she is the.

00:56:20.909 --> 00:56:23.190
But do we have a plan?

00:56:23.190 --> 00:56:27.436
But what about this coin and what about the time?

00:56:27.436 --> 00:56:32.262
And you have not thought of all of the things and all of the details.

00:56:32.262 --> 00:56:39.255
And if we don't submit ourselves to be refined by the people in our lives, we will ultimately fail.

00:56:39.255 --> 00:56:53.766
We need each other, we need to be refined, and that happens through through love, through the ways that we love each other and the ways that we allow each other, allow ourselves to learn one another.

00:56:54.489 --> 00:56:56.853
Um, not changing right.

00:56:56.853 --> 00:57:00.565
Like you can never take that person and make him not a giver.

00:57:00.565 --> 00:57:03.693
You can never take that man and make him not a dreamer.

00:57:03.693 --> 00:57:15.909
You know you can't change them, but both partners should be submitting to one another in order to make the partnership and the dream together work.

00:57:15.909 --> 00:57:26.523
So it's okay, you have a dream, submit your dream to my practicality and I'm going to submit my practicality and my plans to the dream.

00:57:26.523 --> 00:57:33.222
But there has to be a coming together where we both give and take in order to move forward.

00:57:33.222 --> 00:57:37.632
And I think that you know we don't think about that enough.

00:57:37.632 --> 00:57:41.847
You know, me and my sister were actually just yesterday who she be watching the pod.

00:57:41.847 --> 00:57:44.693
Hey, bae, um, yeah, uh she.

00:57:44.693 --> 00:57:47.686
And she says she tells other people to just play it in the background.

00:57:47.686 --> 00:57:49.291
So we appreciate all y'all too.

00:57:50.103 --> 00:58:01.652
You know, just turn it on, so we get views that's hilarious oh, I think she told her fiance that, like you, you know, hey, just play this in the background so they can get a view.

00:58:01.652 --> 00:58:10.585
Listen, a win is a win, a win is a win.

00:58:10.585 --> 00:58:21.135
But you know, we were just talking yesterday about this idea of, you know, people wanting women to be submissive, you know, and to submit to something.

00:58:21.135 --> 00:58:25.284
And it's like you know, women say, oh, you know, I don't have a problem submitting.

00:58:25.284 --> 00:58:27.490
You know, you just got to give me something to submit to.

00:58:27.490 --> 00:58:31.847
And I think that we see submission as this concession.

00:58:31.847 --> 00:58:34.994
Like I, you know, I'll submit.

00:58:34.994 --> 00:58:38.806
You know, if that's what I got to do, I guess that's what I got to do, you know.

00:58:38.826 --> 00:58:45.476
But submission is love Like, and it and the Bible says, actually says submit to one another as well.

00:58:45.476 --> 00:58:48.248
Like it said, it does say wives, submit to your husbands.

00:58:48.248 --> 00:58:54.246
But there is another verse that calls for us to submit to one another, and I believe that there is.

00:58:54.246 --> 00:59:09.795
Even if we are in a space, everybody may think of this differently, but if you are in a space where your husband is your leader, is the head of your home, and you are thinking about that, that does not mean that submission is a lesser thing.

00:59:09.795 --> 00:59:28.251
It is a I am willing to give of myself in order to increase everything that we have, and that man has to be thinking he has to submit too, because there's some things he has to surrender right In order for this to work.

00:59:28.672 --> 01:00:07.099
And so I just think that, like, when we're thinking about love and when we're thinking about these love languages, there is a submission that and that is ultimately what creates an atmosphere where love can flourish it is when I am willing to submit me to you and and I'm giving, I'm giving all of me to you and I'm trusting that you are going to love in a way that I can feel, and and and and be filled, feel and be filled in a way that is that is life giving to me.

01:00:07.099 --> 01:00:15.282
And so, um, I think that that's a, that's a beautiful model that Gary, dr Gary Chapman, has come up with here.

01:00:16.304 --> 01:00:17.065
So I'll.

01:00:17.065 --> 01:00:19.351
I'll share one last thing that I feel like I've had to unlearn.

01:00:19.351 --> 01:00:32.130
Um, I feel like I've had to unlearn, and that is I've had to unlearn that your love languages, the need for certain ones, won't change with seasons of your life.

01:00:32.130 --> 01:00:36.751
There's a reality to like.

01:00:36.751 --> 01:00:41.364
You'll take this assessment and you'll maybe, if you already have you'll take this you say, okay, this is my top five.

01:00:41.364 --> 01:00:51.375
There is a very real chance that those will shift depending on the season of life you're in, or they will shift for the people in your life.

01:00:51.375 --> 01:01:05.483
And so part of loving people is not just meeting them, let me say, like this, part of loving people is meeting him, meeting them with the language they need in the moment they need it.

01:01:06.385 --> 01:01:14.282
And so you know, um, there's uh, uh, let's see here, Okay, example, right?

01:01:14.282 --> 01:01:29.690
Um, I just came back from out of town and it's it's my birthday weekend, and it's my birthday weekend, came back and I'm leaving town again next week, right?

01:01:29.710 --> 01:01:29.829
so I'm.

01:01:29.829 --> 01:01:31.396
It's just a lot of out of town movement being away from.

01:01:31.396 --> 01:01:32.079
Why are you always on the road?

01:01:32.079 --> 01:01:38.501
I'm really not always on the road, it's just like two weeks are weird, but um you didn't even catch the movie reference, did you I?

01:01:38.621 --> 01:01:39.222
didn't.

01:01:39.222 --> 01:01:41.788
Oh, I'm sorry it, it's the temptations.

01:01:41.788 --> 01:01:44.373
Oh yeah, I missed it.

01:01:44.373 --> 01:01:45.094
I missed it.

01:01:45.619 --> 01:01:55.639
Go ahead, just continue, just continue All right, so so, uh, so, ty, yesterday he was telling me, you know, he was like I, I want you know, it's your birthday weekend what do you, you know, what do you want to do?

01:01:55.639 --> 01:02:15.617
And I said, honestly, I just want to go to sleep, like I'm really, I'm really tired and I, in my if I was, you know, at the level I normally would be like if I wasn't as exhausted or if I had been at home or had been a regular week, I probably would have wanted to spend more time.

01:02:15.617 --> 01:02:17.706
Like that quality time would have been really high.

01:02:17.706 --> 01:02:18.769
It's like I want to spend time.

01:02:18.769 --> 01:02:22.184
But I was like I just.

01:02:22.184 --> 01:02:25.913
And he said I want to make sure that you get what you need.

01:02:26.300 --> 01:02:30.831
And in that he actually had had in his mind that we were going to be doing things.

01:02:30.831 --> 01:02:32.126
He was like you know, what do you want to do?

01:02:32.126 --> 01:02:35.050
And I was like I really, I don't really have anything.

01:02:35.050 --> 01:02:39.911
But then he said I want to make sure that, you know, basically, you're served in the way you need to be served.

01:02:39.911 --> 01:02:43.690
I know you just got back, I know you're about to leave, like I don't want to pack your schedule.

01:02:43.690 --> 01:02:44.030
I don't want to.

01:02:44.070 --> 01:02:50.260
You know, even though he knows that I like the idea of spending time with him, with us, like the family, all this stuff.

01:02:50.260 --> 01:03:26.025
So anyway, like I appreciated that he understood in this moment what she might need is just some time to herself, or just a minute to just rest right and not do a lot of movement, even though we are going to do a couple of things, they're not, they're not going to all be this weekend, like it's going to kind of be spread out, which I appreciate it also that's perfect, um so, and that's just a small example, but, like you know it and I've never been pregnant, neither one of us have but when you, you know there's there's a reality to maybe there's a shift.

01:03:26.485 --> 01:03:55.431
I've had friends who have gone through postpartum issues where it's like, hey, the way you have loved me, I don't want to be touched, like the real thing, and that can be really hard when you feel like you have spent time learning a person and then life shifts them in some way.

01:03:55.431 --> 01:04:01.407
It could be a physical shift, a mental shift, emotional shift, whatever, but that shift will happen.

01:04:01.407 --> 01:04:05.922
Emotional shift, whatever, but that shift will happen.

01:04:05.922 --> 01:04:12.985
And I think just knowing that, just because you learn the current kind of situation of how to, how to speak somebody's language today, doesn't mean that that same method will work tomorrow.

01:04:12.985 --> 01:04:24.634
And part of loving somebody is constantly being in a position of a learner of their language and not being resentful that what you learned yesterday may not work today.

01:04:26.262 --> 01:04:27.164
Don't be resentful.

01:04:27.164 --> 01:04:31.373
Right like it's, it's, it's important and that's again.

01:04:31.373 --> 01:04:37.981
And that's that's tough, though, and that's where the tension falls and that's where a lot of people kind of give up on relationships.

01:04:37.981 --> 01:04:39.505
It's like I put on all this work.

01:04:39.505 --> 01:04:43.407
So you know, now, now she don't want this, now he don't want that, now they don't want this, whatever, and it's like yo.

01:04:43.407 --> 01:04:43.510
They put on all this work.

01:04:43.510 --> 01:04:46.514
So you know, now she don't want this, now he don't want that, now they don't want this, whatever, and it's like yo, they different.

01:04:46.514 --> 01:04:51.552
So you're going to have to learn again and again and again and again.

01:04:52.721 --> 01:05:00.724
We were in the car one day and I put my hand onto his shoulder we were just out on a road trip.

01:05:00.724 --> 01:05:01.327
I just put it on him.

01:05:01.327 --> 01:05:05.643
He was like he kind of did this because I hate when you do that.

01:05:05.643 --> 01:05:10.693
I said, oh, when did that happen?

01:05:10.693 --> 01:05:14.481
I said, okay, okay, fine, you hate, okay cool.

01:05:14.481 --> 01:05:25.983
And he was just like ever since I was a kid, I just I don't like people touching me, like on, like on my shoulder or whatever, and like I was like okay, I didn't realize that here's what also I didn't realize.

01:05:25.983 --> 01:05:30.282
I didn't realize that since I've been, since I uh, been married.

01:05:30.322 --> 01:05:34.313
Physical touch was something that has actually probably probably moved up a little bit.

01:05:34.313 --> 01:05:38.213
And how I, how I express affection, uh, with him.

01:05:38.213 --> 01:05:44.123
I don't really do that with many other people, but like with with him, I'll do that, and that's which is different than I've been.

01:05:44.123 --> 01:05:53.289
So it's again, you change, right, and it's like I didn't know that about him and I also didn't know that about me, and so it's a constant.

01:05:53.289 --> 01:05:54.371
We're learning.

01:05:54.371 --> 01:06:02.577
I'm learning more about him, I'm learning more about myself, he's learning more about me, and and so you put yourself in a position of a learner, right?

01:06:03.117 --> 01:06:06.240
Um and, and so you put yourself in a, in a, in a position of a learner, right, Um, and don't?

01:06:06.240 --> 01:06:09.769
Don't think that because you've told somebody your love language and they've told you yours, that that's.

01:06:09.769 --> 01:06:12.322
That's the end of your work, it's just the beginning.

01:06:13.567 --> 01:06:15.150
Just no, sorry, I was about to sing another song.

01:06:16.483 --> 01:06:16.965
Man, that's.

01:06:16.965 --> 01:06:18.690
You did good right there, Huida, Very good.

01:06:28.280 --> 01:06:29.181
You see, you see, people, people.

01:06:29.181 --> 01:06:36.764
You see, I like to tell you, uh, honestly, when people come up to me, I can always tell somebody who's about to profilize, because they come up, they come up and I don't know why I give singer.

01:06:36.764 --> 01:06:42.864
I think it's just, you know, that's hilarious, plus size black woman, everybody thinks we can blow you.

01:06:42.864 --> 01:06:45.804
And then they hear my voice and they're like no, I hear it in your voice.

01:06:45.804 --> 01:06:55.164
You know, I've had people come up to me and prophesy that my singing career was going to shoot off, that God was going to bless, bless my singing ministry.

01:06:55.164 --> 01:06:59.534
And you know, and I'm just like, oh, bless your heart.

01:06:59.534 --> 01:07:04.490
And I'm like, nah, that's, that's not why the Lord gave this voice to me.

01:07:04.490 --> 01:07:06.900
And then they'd be like, oh, it's something, I know, it's something.

01:07:06.900 --> 01:07:12.485
I know what the Lord showed me and I'm like, what you hear is a preacher, and that's about it.

01:07:12.485 --> 01:07:13.661
A preacher.

01:07:14.182 --> 01:07:16.690
I have a good radio voice, a good speaking voice.

01:07:16.690 --> 01:07:20.989
Unfortunately, the singing just isn't up to par.

01:07:20.989 --> 01:07:23.608
Again, I hold my note, though.

01:07:23.608 --> 01:07:27.367
They let me on the choir, ok, they just don't pass me the mic.

01:07:27.367 --> 01:07:32.326
They just don't pass me the mic.

01:07:32.346 --> 01:07:33.068
They don't do that.

01:07:33.068 --> 01:07:37.371
So, you got another, you got another unlearning or last one.

01:07:39.121 --> 01:07:53.271
Um, I think that the other one on my list was just about COVID and I think we need to make just a small caveat, because COVID, I think, changed the game.

01:07:53.271 --> 01:08:08.967
You know, those couple of months in isolation, you know, as a single person, I was in the house, I was in the house bored, and I was bored in the house, but I was also by myself right, losing my melanin day by day.

01:08:08.967 --> 01:08:11.626
By the time I went outside I was like dang.

01:08:11.626 --> 01:08:13.331
I ain't never been so light in my life.

01:08:14.621 --> 01:08:30.748
But as a person who one of my top love languages is physical touch, that had such a deep impact on the way that I engage with the world, because I was used to touching people.

01:08:30.748 --> 01:08:46.255
You know high fives, hugs, you know little touches of affection, you know, and not being able to do that, I think, is still having an effect on the way that I receive love.

01:08:46.255 --> 01:08:58.372
And I do think that there is just a part of my love tank that is just she dry, you know, because I don't get as much physical affection as I used to.

01:08:58.372 --> 01:09:02.971
You know, like I used to, you know, again, I had the hug ministry.

01:09:02.971 --> 01:09:19.641
Hugs was a very important part of my life.

01:09:19.641 --> 01:09:20.443
People don't hug as much anymore.

01:09:20.443 --> 01:09:31.756
And I feel like, if you, if you talk to the huggers, we are how like, as you go through like different seasons of your life, you're just not going to have as much of that thing as you used to.

01:09:31.756 --> 01:09:34.028
And what do you do about that?

01:09:34.028 --> 01:09:40.972
You know, like you know, physical touch is also the one that you know I can pat myself on the shoulder.

01:09:40.972 --> 01:09:44.346
It's not the same I give myself a high five.

01:09:44.346 --> 01:09:45.666
It's whack.

01:09:45.666 --> 01:10:05.176
You know, it is really one where there has to be like interaction with another person, and I think that when it comes to my love tank, I've had to kind of lean more into the other ones in order to kind of compensate.

01:10:05.176 --> 01:10:10.412
But that doesn't make me any less of a physical touch kind of gal.

01:10:11.680 --> 01:10:28.871
And I will say, I will say recently the Lord has made space for that, because my mentee, who's like my daughter, her love language is also physical touch, and so we will, like you know, I, you know, like it started to like fill it back up.

01:10:28.871 --> 01:10:32.365
But, you know, allow God to bring what you need in different ways.

01:10:32.365 --> 01:10:36.301
You know also, just, no weird vibes, it's not weird.

01:10:36.301 --> 01:10:40.865
All right, I just need to clarify.

01:10:40.865 --> 01:10:42.648
You know, we're both huggers.

01:10:43.309 --> 01:10:52.502
Okay, we're both like touch on the shoulder while we're talking to each other and like we're both like that and I literally just had that thought yesterday.

01:10:52.502 --> 01:11:05.465
I was like man that really you know, and I also think that that's just a good point about like a lot of times we make these relationships so one dimensional, where you think you are the only person giving in a relationship.

01:11:05.465 --> 01:11:23.533
But, like all relationships should be mutual, like there's always something that you are receiving as well as giving, and I think that that's the nature of love languages is that you have to think about the receiving as well as the giving and you have to make sure that there's a balance in that.

01:11:23.533 --> 01:11:29.010
And I think that's what makes love love is that it's a two-way emotion.

01:11:29.631 --> 01:11:29.771
Yeah.

01:11:31.984 --> 01:11:34.270
That can fill everybody in a room all at once.

01:11:34.270 --> 01:11:39.331
But I do think that that was a good point you made about it changing.

01:11:39.331 --> 01:11:40.463
I did want to ask you a question.

01:11:41.167 --> 01:11:41.488
What's up?

01:11:43.140 --> 01:11:48.987
You know, I'm just sitting here thinking you, you know, as your best friend or as one of your best friends I know that you have more in your life.

01:11:48.987 --> 01:12:16.280
I'm interested in knowing, like, how, like how it's different for you marriage versus single, like in, like the expression of, like the ways that you receive love, because, like, as you're talking, I'm like how do I love Ruth, abigail?

01:12:16.280 --> 01:12:20.849
And also long distance friendships I think is it's hard, like you know.

01:12:20.849 --> 01:12:24.014
Like you know, I get a hug from Ruth every other year.

01:12:24.300 --> 01:12:24.501
Sure.

01:12:26.725 --> 01:12:30.273
You know, so interested, interested to know your thoughts about that.

01:12:30.881 --> 01:12:32.262
Um, you know, I don't.

01:12:32.262 --> 01:12:50.262
I think that the biggest thing is the consistency of exchange and learning that and learning that, and then, like it, it can become love.

01:12:50.283 --> 01:12:51.164
What, what is love sometimes can be?

01:12:51.164 --> 01:12:52.929
Uh, become routine and it doesn't feel like love.

01:12:52.929 --> 01:12:56.576
Right, it feels like a routine and so what, but?

01:12:56.576 --> 01:12:59.868
But it doesn't but like knowing that, that's that is love.

01:12:59.868 --> 01:13:01.576
Like that is that is love.

01:13:01.576 --> 01:13:03.543
And sometimes it does sometimes like, oh, I'm so grateful for this.

01:13:03.543 --> 01:13:03.966
And then sometimes it's like, yeah, that's that is love.

01:13:03.966 --> 01:13:04.065
Like that is that is love.

01:13:04.065 --> 01:13:04.529
And sometimes it does sometimes like, oh, I'm so grateful for this.

01:13:04.529 --> 01:13:07.922
And then sometimes it's like, yeah, that's just normal, nothing not, not a bad thing.

01:13:07.943 --> 01:13:15.634
But I think that's that would be the biggest difference, because you're actually living with somebody, versus when you know when when I was single it wasn't the case.

01:13:15.634 --> 01:13:38.863
Now, when I had a roommate, like when me and Ashley were rooming together, I, uh, I think that there was that semblance of like, of consistency as well, where it's like, you know we, we would spend, you know when we spend quality time together, like it would be, you know, we would have those moments and it would, it would be a you know more, more consistent than if we don't, right, uh, if we, if we weren't living together.

01:13:38.863 --> 01:13:45.747
So I think consistency is a big factor for that, because you just have somebody around you all the time, um, and then by and then.

01:13:45.747 --> 01:13:58.939
On that same vein, the consistency of you be, of me being aware of how I'm loving, like my family in the house, is I have to be conscious.

01:13:59.320 --> 01:14:06.185
I have to be conscious of it, like like because I was living by myself for several years before they came into my life.

01:14:06.185 --> 01:14:12.926
There are certain routines that I have that don't serve them and I have to shift.

01:14:13.367 --> 01:14:41.824
I'm having to learn how to shift that on a regular basis so that it's like, um, I'm not just, you know, when I come home, um, I'm not like like when I try to do this, right, I try not to walk in the house on the phone because I want, when I haven't seen them all day, it's like I want to be present Right, whereas before I could be on the phone cooking, doing whatever, walking in and out, well, all that stuff right, all over the house.

01:14:41.824 --> 01:14:43.127
I don't do that anymore.

01:14:43.127 --> 01:14:44.832
So I think that's the biggest thing.

01:14:44.832 --> 01:14:48.904
It's consistency, because you're around people, yeah.

01:14:49.485 --> 01:14:50.047
Makes sense.

01:14:50.680 --> 01:15:21.266
So I will say this, I think, just as an overarching thing the last thing that I really think has been so important for the unlearning process of of love in general and particularly around this topic, uh, is that we have to like talking about love and how to love somebody not in general but to that person can be really awkward, right, it's uncomfortable because when we think about love, I think we we think about love as a high, like we want to.

01:15:21.266 --> 01:15:22.710
We want high, like.

01:15:22.710 --> 01:15:27.246
We want to feel like it's a high and like it's a.

01:15:27.246 --> 01:15:29.971
We want to feel like it's a high.

01:15:29.971 --> 01:15:32.007
We want to feel like it's something that just kind of comes over us.

01:15:32.007 --> 01:15:39.692
It's like, oh, I feel so loved, but so when you talk about it, it takes away the romanticism of it.

01:15:40.439 --> 01:15:48.707
But, really and I think we said this earlier the truth is, love is is intentional and a conscious decision-making process.

01:15:48.707 --> 01:15:57.091
And if I don't know how to do that because we haven't talked about it, I might miss it more often and just don't know it.

01:15:57.091 --> 01:16:05.351
And it's so like taking the, the, the like love is romantic 10 of the time.

01:16:05.351 --> 01:16:07.194
It ain't the other 90.

01:16:07.194 --> 01:16:18.506
It's intentional and it's conscious because we've talked about it and I know when I do this, it is showing you love because I'm I know it like.

01:16:18.546 --> 01:16:21.193
It's not something I'm feeling or searching for like.

01:16:21.193 --> 01:16:21.347
It is a.

01:16:21.347 --> 01:16:21.929
I am very clear on that.

01:16:21.929 --> 01:16:23.378
And I also know vice versa, when I don't do it, it's not something I'm feeling or searching for like.

01:16:23.378 --> 01:16:23.399
It is a.

01:16:23.399 --> 01:16:23.619
I am very clear on that.

01:16:23.619 --> 01:16:35.920
And I also know vice versa, when I don't do it, it is not loving like and so like understanding that communication piece if you want to love somebody, well, talk about it with them like, have a conversation.

01:16:35.920 --> 01:16:40.865
Don't live in the, in the high of love.

01:16:40.865 --> 01:16:42.648
It it's not going to last.

01:16:42.648 --> 01:16:46.493
Just like real highs don't last, the high of love ain't going to last.

01:16:47.314 --> 01:16:53.764
If you want to love somebody for real you got to talk about what you need.

01:16:54.323 --> 01:16:54.664
That's good.

01:16:54.744 --> 01:16:57.387
Yeah, that's good, okay, five love languages.

01:16:57.387 --> 01:17:00.152
Okay, five love languages, yeah.

01:17:00.912 --> 01:17:01.293
We did a.

01:17:01.293 --> 01:17:01.634
Thing.

01:17:01.634 --> 01:17:02.916
We did a thing today.

01:17:02.916 --> 01:17:08.565
I agree, I actually actually this actually helped me even more.

01:17:08.565 --> 01:17:11.792
I know right, it helped me refine my prayer list is what it did for me.

01:17:13.402 --> 01:17:21.011
Amen, amen amen, amen, all right, so, um all right, quita, uh, we, we, what do we?

01:17:21.011 --> 01:17:21.993
What do we ask the people to do?

01:17:22.953 --> 01:17:28.207
Hey, listen, y'all All right, we know y'all watching, okay, we know you here with us.

01:17:28.207 --> 01:17:44.162
Go ahead and like, go ahead and share it with somebody, go ahead and hit that little subscribe, but while you subscribe and also hit them notifications All right, we drop in every Tuesday, don't miss it, okay, don't miss it Okay.

01:17:44.162 --> 01:17:46.010
So like, share, subscribe and yo send us some comments, send us some feedback, right?

01:17:46.010 --> 01:17:47.475
We love engaging with you guys, so you know, hit us up.

01:17:48.201 --> 01:17:58.363
Hit us up, folks, and we'll be back next week with another topic of personal growth and how we can unlearn some things about our own personality.

01:17:58.363 --> 01:18:08.256
So stay tuned, but until then, let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom, peace.

01:18:08.256 --> 01:18:16.073
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:18:16.073 --> 01:18:20.252
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:18:20.252 --> 01:18:27.005
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:18:27.005 --> 01:18:33.347
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:18:33.347 --> 01:18:34.270
See you then.