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July 9, 2024

Talks With Middle Adults: What To Do When I'm Feeling Unsafe

Talks With Middle Adults: What To Do When I'm Feeling Unsafe
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Have you ever felt on edge during life's transitions, questioning whether it's genuine danger or just discomfort? We dive deep into managing these feelings and offer our own experiences to help you feel more secure amidst change. From relationship shifts to job changes, we discuss how to manage rather than eliminate discomfort and the importance of facing our fears head-on. We share our strategies for handling the dread of making mistakes and the anxiety that comes with unforeseen situations, offering practical advice on how to navigate these turbulent times. Through personal anecdotes, we'll show you how embracing vulnerability and the unexpected can lead to a richer, more fulfilling life. 

Chapters

00:06 - Unlearning and Beachside Bonding

05:49 - Navigating Moments of Discomfort

19:11 - Fear of Mistakes and Unpredictable Situations

24:19 - Facing and Overcoming Uncomfortable Emotions

29:35 - Unpacking Emotions and Embracing Discomfort

38:22 - Embracing Uncomfortable Choices for Growth

43:41 - Obedience Over Ability

55:13 - Building Character Through Productivity and Vulnerability

01:01:15 - Uncomfortable Growth Through Trust and Vulnerability

01:12:53 - Reclaiming Joy Amidst Anxiety

Transcript
WEBVTT

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unlearned podcast.

00:00:07.868 --> 00:00:10.571
I am your host, ruth abigail aka ra.

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Hello friends, it's chiquita and this is the podcast that's helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you yes, you, yes, you can experience more freedom.

00:00:22.602 --> 00:00:40.280
And you've entered, entered into the segment where we, as middle adults, are talking about how our journey from the young adult phase, the middle adult phase, and some things that we've had to unlearn on the way, lord, my Lord, my Lord, my Lord, you know.

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When you said enter in, you know you have entered in.

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It really brought out the church in me.

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My Lord, enter in to his gates with thanksgiving Hallelujah, yes, lord, yes, yes, yes, friend, friend, friend, friend, how are you doing on this fine, fine day?

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I'm all right, I'm doing okay.

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We just finished our summer programming at.

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Angel Streets.

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Hallelujah for that Somebody.

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Joy, put the hand claps in there.

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Hand claps.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hand claps.

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Insert some applause we're done.

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We had a great summer with the children and this is what we call our dead week, which is where the team gets a, basically a PTO.

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I mean, off is a big term for what I am, but I am doing less this week.

00:01:41.620 --> 00:01:44.228
Well if I had known that, I'd have called you about some things.

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I didn't know you was off this week.

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I keep that in mind, though.

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I'm going to keep that in mind.

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That's what people do when they find out you off.

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Wait a minute, you off this week Because actually I needed you to come by.

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No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

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You ain't need me to do anything, I'm off.

00:02:02.825 --> 00:02:05.266
I took off from work and I took off from y'all too.

00:02:05.266 --> 00:02:06.427
Amen.

00:02:06.548 --> 00:02:07.968
I took off from Jaquita.

00:02:07.968 --> 00:02:09.591
I did and I'm not mad about it.

00:02:09.790 --> 00:02:12.652
First of all, no best friend privileges around here.

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You don't ever take off from me.

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There is no, okay, I remember that.

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Well, friends, I just want to tell y'all real quick I'm fresh off the beach.

00:02:23.627 --> 00:02:25.692
I'm fresh off the beach, all right.

00:02:25.692 --> 00:02:26.473
I got a little.

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I had a little glowy glow.

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That tan does not last at all.

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That first day when I was fresh off the beach, oh, I was just bronzed.

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Okay, it was beautiful.

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But now I'm just, I don't know Somebody else needs somebody take me back to the beach.

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Let me know when y'all going.

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I want to hitch a ride.

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I need to go back, amen.

00:02:49.483 --> 00:02:55.296
So when you say you're on the beach, do you mean like you be on the beach or you mean you be around the beach?

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No, honey, we got.

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We had an umbrella, some chairs and some towels and I laid out on the beach.

00:03:04.605 --> 00:03:08.588
I was in the water, on the sand, in the water, on the sand.

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Okay, that is what I did for at least two to three days straight, just got up, dipped in the sea and then came back.

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I want to emphasize the importance.

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Okay, black folk, my mama did get a little sun burnt a a little bit.

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I know we have this myth that we don't need sunscreen.

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This is not true.

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All right, melanin needs to be protected.

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Make sure you get some sunscreen.

00:03:37.947 --> 00:03:39.411
We got sunscreen for us.

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Uh, uh, what's the uh one?

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Black people sunscreen?

00:03:42.860 --> 00:03:44.048
Um, try that one out, get you a sunscreen.

00:03:44.048 --> 00:03:45.979
The one my mama people sunscreen Try that one out.

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Get you a sunscreen.

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The one my mama had turned me blue.

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I was very upset about it.

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Wait, is it called black people sunscreen or we have a real name?

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I think it's called black.

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Hold on, let me look it up, because, even though they're not paying us yet, they haven't sponsored us yet.

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But hey, hey, we open, but it's a good product.

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I mean, I'm sure it is so I don't mind letting the saints know about it when I go to the beach I be around the beach more than I be at the beach.

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You know what I'm saying.

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I like me a good beach side, something where I can like be on a porch in a house close to the air and also smell the sea.

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You know, I'm saying like I like that kind of beach experience.

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I go out every once in a while.

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I like to fish.

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I didn't realize I like to fish as much as I.

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I do, but I'll, I'll like battle, like I'll do that.

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But I need to be doing something other than just sitting at the beach.

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I need to be doing an activity, otherwise I'm going to sit at the house.

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I mean, honestly, we did that.

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It was actually really really good.

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We did that for a day.

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We had some charcuterie.

00:05:00.661 --> 00:05:04.507
I made my mama buy some cheese, some crackers, a little turkey charcuterie.

00:05:04.507 --> 00:05:07.089
I made my mama buy some cheese, some crackers, a little turkey, and we had some little some.

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We had some little like trail mix and stuff.

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So we was on there eating our little charcuterie.

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Okay, and it was a good time.

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We had some books.

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You know I it.

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It said you know I'm not an introvert, but I do.

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There is an introvert that lives on the inside of me, and it said her.

00:05:27.761 --> 00:05:28.963
By the way, it's called black girl sunscreen.

00:05:28.963 --> 00:05:31.949
Okay, black girl sunscreen, go get you some black girl and black man.

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I believe it's universal.

00:05:33.190 --> 00:05:45.307
But go get your son and protect that melanin, uh, this summer, because we out here glowing, glowing look at you glowing all right, all right, you're doing your.

00:05:45.387 --> 00:05:46.230
Yeah, all right, cool.

00:05:46.230 --> 00:05:48.105
Well, that's great, that was good.

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That was a good commercial break.

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Um, and now back to our regularly scheduled program actually what we're here to talk about today is yeah, um, yeah.

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So what are we here to talk about quita?

00:06:02.182 --> 00:06:03.663
you know, I it's.

00:06:03.663 --> 00:06:32.434
We're really here to talk to you guys today about what we, as middle adults, have learned about feeling uncomfortable or unsafe, those seasons where you may be experiencing higher levels of anxiety or where you may feel isolated or where you just may feel like I don't know what to do In those moments.

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What did we learn transitioning from those 20s to those 30s?

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About how to manage those moments, how to manage moments of discomfort and how to manage moments where you don't feel like you have everything you need or you feel vulnerable.

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And so we're going to, we're going to.

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You know, we got a list, we got lists, we got lists.

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Okay, we, we, we wrote down some notes.

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Let me tell you something Our game elevated when we started, when we started writing down the list.

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Okay, we started bringing the people the heat, all right.

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So if you have not told a friend about the podcast yet, go grab them right now and tell them to join in on listening with you, because we about to dig in deep.

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So share, like, subscribe while we get in on this, on this, on this deep, deep stuff right here.

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While to dig in deep.

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So share, like, subscribe while we get in on this deep, deep stuff right here.

00:07:28.406 --> 00:07:31.836
Thank you, Jaquita is always good for the promos.

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I appreciate that, because I'm not good at that part.

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Thank you for that.

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Listen, I'm going to bring them in.

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You won't bring them in now.

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That's what's going to happen.

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Okay, all right, that's enough.

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Let's not do too much.

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We're not gonna do too much, all right, so yeah, so we're it's and I, I want to, I want to, just, I want to kind of put in there it is managing discomfort, managing feeling unsafe, not eliminating it, you know I think it is.

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That that's part of the reality is, we're not going to be able to eliminate moments of feeling unsafe or eliminate discomfort, um, but we can learn how to manage it, and so, yeah, we're going to talk a little bit about what that looks like, and first of all, like let's just talk about what makes us feel uncomfortable, unsafe and this can vary for different people.

00:08:24.237 --> 00:08:32.482
Um, it certainly varies between the two of us, although I think there are a lot of similarities, right, like you know, just just kind of based on us knowing each other.

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It might manifest itself a little differently, but there are things that we have in common with like, ooh, I feel low, I'm not, I'm like this, like this, like this, this feels it feels off.

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Um, so, quida, what is something that has made you feel uns?

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Let's say okay, so hold on before we do that, because I do want to make a.

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I kind of want a distinction between uncomfortable and unsafe, like there's a, there is a real unsafe environment.

00:09:04.926 --> 00:09:11.508
Right like where your safety is really compromised, whether it's your physical safety, emotional safety, mental safety, spiritual safety.

00:09:11.508 --> 00:09:18.817
Right Like there are real spaces, places, environments, people that are unsafe to be around.

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That's not what we're talking about.

00:09:20.322 --> 00:09:20.783
Unlearning.

00:09:21.225 --> 00:09:33.624
We're talking about unlearning, where it feels like you're unsafe, which typically manifests itself in some sort of version of discomfort, and so when you're uncomfortable, it can feel unsafe.

00:09:33.624 --> 00:09:38.883
But just because it feels unsafe doesn't necessarily mean it is, and so that's one thing.

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We just I want to make that disclaimer on the front end.

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When we talk about being unsafe, we're not talking about real danger, moments Like you're in danger and you need to get out, like whatever that looks like.

00:09:50.134 --> 00:09:52.328
So I want to make that disclaimer before we started.

00:09:52.971 --> 00:10:05.207
No, I think that's an important disclaimer to make, and I think that what we're really talking about is what happens when what you expected is not what you're getting Right, like.

00:10:05.207 --> 00:10:21.924
I think that, like it is, it is the moment of transition, it is the moment of change that makes you feel like there's there's some something rocking beneath your feet and you can't, and again that's going to look different for everybody, right?

00:10:21.924 --> 00:10:26.523
Different things trigger that feeling of feeling like wait a minute, what y'all doing around here?

00:10:26.523 --> 00:10:27.687
Why are we changing everything?

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What's moving?

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This is not what I expected and what do you?

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How do we learn to move through those moments of discomfort that make us feel unsafe, because we feel more unsteady and so, yeah, but we are.

00:10:43.772 --> 00:10:45.575
Definitely, listen, we are.

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There are some levels of unsafe that I want you guys to never feel or never experienced, but those are not the ones that we are we are discussing on today.

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No, we're not talking about those, so I so with that disclaimer.

00:10:59.720 --> 00:11:01.722
Hopefully that made sense to everybody.

00:11:01.722 --> 00:11:11.635
Quina, what are some things, some moments where you have felt either uncomfortable or felt unsafe?

00:11:12.340 --> 00:11:20.494
Ooh, okay, man, I think we can start off, like I said, with any level of transition.

00:11:20.494 --> 00:11:27.000
When you feel a season closing, right transition.

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When you feel a season closing right, like when you know something around you is about to come to an end and some unknown future is about to begin right, sometimes it can be in a relationship, right, you feel something closing in a relationship that's going to bring an unknown future with it.

00:11:43.328 --> 00:11:45.013
Sometimes it's with a job.

00:11:45.013 --> 00:12:03.017
You can slowly feel the page turning, you know, and you begin to feel very uncomfortable and very just unsafe because you can't visualize, you know, what's coming next.

00:12:03.017 --> 00:12:07.022
I have a few others, but I want, I want you to get in there as well.

00:12:07.682 --> 00:12:08.785
That's no, that's good.

00:12:08.785 --> 00:12:17.307
Um well, I think you you said transition change on any level just like is.

00:12:17.307 --> 00:12:21.822
It can feel unsafe, it can feel uncomfortable when any especially change.

00:12:21.822 --> 00:12:24.955
That you didn't invite Um and you didn't invent and you didn't chains.

00:12:24.955 --> 00:12:26.159
That you didn't invite and you didn't invent.

00:12:27.041 --> 00:12:30.168
And you didn't invent Chains that you didn't invent.

00:12:30.629 --> 00:12:45.234
Like you know, yeah, that you can't control for sure, you know, and that that can present a feeling of, of, of I'm, I'm, I'm unsafe, I'm unstable, I don't know, you know, I don't know what to do.

00:12:45.274 --> 00:13:36.548
I think, um, there's that kind of, I think, both transition and change, and it can be the in in the, even in the sense of where somebody from the outside, looking in, would say it's a good thing, right, let's say, you're transitioning into a relationship that is is a beautiful thing, relationship that is a beautiful thing and can also present feelings of moments where you no longer feel safe because you're putting yourself in the hands of another human that you have to decide, that you have to believe will handle you carefully, a lot of times, when they have not necessarily proven that, like you're, you're, you're saying I'm going to, I'm going to do this with you, I'm going to give myself to you on some level and I hope that you handle me with care.

00:13:36.928 --> 00:13:45.308
But there is a risk to that, right, but that's a beautiful thing, right, but that's, that's, that's big transition, that's big change that you're not always going to be able to control.

00:13:45.308 --> 00:14:00.740
And so I think that those things, this feeling of discomfort and being unsafe does is not just in moments that are that people would say are not good or negative moments, but also can just be positive moments, right.

00:14:01.482 --> 00:14:04.289
And you's still unfamiliar.

00:14:04.772 --> 00:14:12.850
Yeah, I think a lot of the ideas around feeling uncomfortable or feeling unsafe are indeed tied to feelings, right?

00:14:13.230 --> 00:14:42.596
Like some of the other ones that I have was like feeling misunderstood, like if I feel like I'm trying to communicate something, or if I feel like I'm unable to communicate because the level of vulnerability with this person might invite a response that feels unsafe, right, or that feels like you know, like I'm not going to be able to really articulate fully in this place the way that I would hope to.

00:14:42.995 --> 00:14:58.152
You know, a lot of times, those are feelings that may not necessarily be reality, but the way that I feel can make me feel, can produce this level of vulnerability that makes me say, okay, I want to back away from this.

00:14:58.152 --> 00:15:06.044
Instead of feeling vulnerable, I'm going to build up some walls, build up some habits, build up something that's going to make me feel safe again.

00:15:06.044 --> 00:15:18.254
And so I think, a lot of times, our feelings, the way that we feel about things, I think something else that often makes me feel uncomfortable or unsafe is rejection.

00:15:18.254 --> 00:15:28.995
It could be something as simple as somebody like you putting out what you thought would be a really good idea and someone destroying it.

00:15:28.995 --> 00:15:34.852
You know, like someone being like why did you think that was going to work?

00:15:34.852 --> 00:15:37.799
And you being like, yeah, all right.

00:15:37.860 --> 00:15:41.187
I've been guilty of that Of being a dream killer.

00:15:41.187 --> 00:15:42.309
Are you a dream killer?

00:15:42.309 --> 00:15:43.432
I'm a dream killer.

00:15:43.432 --> 00:15:46.466
I mean, I haven't called you a dream killer before.

00:15:46.466 --> 00:15:48.471
Huh, you've called me such.

00:15:48.951 --> 00:15:49.393
Yeah.

00:15:49.393 --> 00:15:52.328
As soon as I said it, I was like oh yeah, she is.

00:15:53.380 --> 00:15:54.385
I've been guilty of this.

00:15:54.840 --> 00:15:55.985
But you've been working on it.

00:15:55.985 --> 00:15:59.140
I have, because I understand that's a real.

00:15:59.140 --> 00:16:15.445
I mean, I get like, you know, when, when something is in your head, anytime anything comes from your mind out into the world, you know you're giving a piece of yourself, you're putting a piece of yourself out there for to be judged and that's that's a.

00:16:15.445 --> 00:16:22.932
That is a vulnerable place and I have learned that it's important to handle people with care in that moment, regardless of how I feel about it.

00:16:22.932 --> 00:16:25.370
Let me you know, let's walk with it.

00:16:25.370 --> 00:16:26.798
Regardless of how I feel about it, let me you know, let's walk with it.

00:16:26.798 --> 00:16:34.965
And even if I don't think it's a good idea, even if I think it needs to be improved, I don't need to just shoot it down right, because that's real.

00:16:34.965 --> 00:16:39.402
Like that, that feeling of being unsafe is real, and then you know with that.

00:16:39.402 --> 00:16:49.176
I think that something that also can make me feel unsafe is repeat experiences.

00:16:51.001 --> 00:16:54.318
Ain't nothing worse than feeling like you in a cycle, my Lord.

00:16:54.841 --> 00:17:00.552
You know, like this, it happened like this before and I'm seeing it.

00:17:00.552 --> 00:17:19.345
I'm seeing the same kind of thing, Like I'm hanging down, Like I'm be honest, Right, If, if this is I'm just being real, and I don't know if any other people that have, um, especially at this day and age where it's like people are leaving jobs left and right, I mean people are just I get it.

00:17:19.345 --> 00:17:23.521
You know, there's a huge transitional job transitional thing that's been happening since 2020.

00:17:23.561 --> 00:17:26.628
We all know that the great resignation is what they're calling it.

00:17:26.628 --> 00:17:26.950
What did?

00:17:26.970 --> 00:17:32.628
it, say it again the great great resignation correct yeah, so, um, I went when.

00:17:32.628 --> 00:17:37.525
When somebody comes to me that might be working with us, hey, can we talk it immediately.

00:17:37.565 --> 00:17:44.021
Triggers anxiety levels up I mean shoots up right, or you know I need to talk to you.

00:17:44.021 --> 00:17:45.482
They'll send a text or something like that.

00:17:45.482 --> 00:17:47.104
It's like hey, and I'll call him.

00:17:47.104 --> 00:17:49.346
Hey, man, I just need to know is this going to be conversation?

00:17:49.346 --> 00:17:50.365
I like or don't like?

00:17:50.365 --> 00:17:51.166
And I will.

00:17:51.166 --> 00:17:59.472
I'll say that and they'll be like don't worry, I'm not going anywhere and it's terrible because I I have the.

00:17:59.472 --> 00:17:59.772
It's.

00:17:59.772 --> 00:18:00.354
It's a.

00:18:00.354 --> 00:18:05.136
Okay, I've had those talks before and it's not a bad thing.

00:18:05.136 --> 00:18:07.824
That happens as an employer.

00:18:07.824 --> 00:18:09.189
You don't have people to leave.

00:18:09.189 --> 00:18:11.086
It is what it is right.

00:18:11.086 --> 00:18:17.707
But it's sometimes like at least for me like I don't like to be surprised.

00:18:17.707 --> 00:18:18.641
Right, that's an.

00:18:18.641 --> 00:18:20.067
I guess that'd be another one on my list.

00:18:20.067 --> 00:18:21.163
Surprises make me.

00:18:21.163 --> 00:18:21.906
I don't like that.

00:18:21.906 --> 00:18:22.240
I don't.

00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:23.405
Don't surprise me.

00:18:23.405 --> 00:18:27.009
Don't give me no surprise birthday party.

00:18:27.009 --> 00:18:27.554
Don't do none of that.

00:18:27.554 --> 00:18:27.897
I don't want it.

00:18:27.897 --> 00:18:28.823
I want to know what's happening.

00:18:28.823 --> 00:18:30.008
Didn't we surprise?

00:18:30.028 --> 00:18:30.768
you for a birthday?

00:18:30.768 --> 00:18:32.426
Didn't we blindfold you?

00:18:33.054 --> 00:18:35.406
and literally drive you around.

00:18:35.406 --> 00:18:36.884
I was off and a dot at night.

00:18:36.884 --> 00:18:41.005
Yeah, I can't believe you did that.

00:18:41.005 --> 00:18:43.667
You tackled somebody, didn't you?

00:18:43.667 --> 00:18:53.434
Yes, because y'all literally came from behind on the couch, took me, blindfolded me and like I couldn't move.

00:18:53.434 --> 00:18:55.046
And then finally I don't know who it was.

00:18:55.046 --> 00:18:58.365
I didn't know it was y'all, I didn't know who that was.

00:18:58.365 --> 00:19:05.460
And then somebody said, hey, I think it may have been you, rue, it's us Calm down, bro.

00:19:05.460 --> 00:19:09.666
Somebody said, hey, I think it may have been your route, it's, it's us calm down, bro.

00:19:09.666 --> 00:19:11.549
You can't do that in college, you can't do this.

00:19:11.569 --> 00:19:13.032
So, anyway, I don't like surprises.

00:19:13.032 --> 00:19:53.480
Anyway, so, when that, when those types of like moments happen or have happened, um, when there's a, there's a possibility of something shifting, going back to the change that's outside of my control, like I don't, if, if I know, if I have an idea, it's like okay, I know this, this, this person is probably going to transition soon, I'm fine with that, but if I don't know it and it comes out of the blue, I'm going to, I'm going to be, it's going to be a struggle for me, and and so that makes it, that makes me feel less safe and uncomfortable, like I don't, I don't like being in those moments.

00:19:53.480 --> 00:20:20.093
So, yeah, like so having to navigate, repeat situations or just things that feel similar, when it didn't feel the way you want it to before and now it's like you hear similar language and so you automatically go back to the same result as before, and so, if I'm not careful, I will treat the now situation as the then situation, which is not fair.

00:20:22.101 --> 00:20:22.561
You know what I mean.

00:20:23.103 --> 00:20:28.233
Yeah, no, I think the last one I have on my list is making mistakes.

00:20:29.140 --> 00:20:44.161
Yeah, like, the moment that you realize I messed up and the social anxiety that comes from that, like you know, like secret mistakes, I'm like I'm going to sweep that up, I'm going to clean that up, it's going to be all right.

00:20:44.621 --> 00:21:13.957
But the public mistakes, the ones where you have to go and make things right, you have to make restitution for things you know, like that makes me feel like, honestly, the making mistakes is very connected to the fear of rejection because, like you feel like they're going to like drop me because of what I did, what I said or what I came off as, and so making mistakes.

00:21:13.957 --> 00:21:25.049
The moment I realized that I've made a mistake that impacts somebody else, I'm like immediately, like almost like, struck with anxiety, like okay, how do I fix this?

00:21:25.049 --> 00:21:26.133
How do I make this right?

00:21:26.133 --> 00:21:27.801
And how do I?

00:21:27.801 --> 00:21:42.784
And and your mind automatically goes to more so how can I, how can I make it as if it never happened, right, like, how can I make it so that, like it's fixed and nobody misses anything?

00:21:42.784 --> 00:21:52.401
Um, but sometimes, sometimes that's not possible and sometimes you have to, you have to live with the consequences that other people have to live with, and that's even.

00:21:52.401 --> 00:21:54.905
That's an even more uncomfortable space.

00:21:56.288 --> 00:21:59.473
And you know, I don't know.

00:21:59.473 --> 00:22:02.924
This is an example I I thought about.

00:22:02.924 --> 00:22:08.595
I don't know if you've ever been to a ropes course like at a camp Absolutely not.

00:22:08.595 --> 00:22:12.082
So we had to.

00:22:12.142 --> 00:22:27.761
You know, we take kids to camp over the summer and I've taken several groups, and at every camp there's a ropes course, and so, on this ropes course, you know, you, you, the first thing you do is you have a harness, because everything you know, you're going to go up in the air, you're gonna have to jump to different places and all this stuff.

00:22:27.781 --> 00:22:31.111
There's always a possibility that you're going to fall, um and so.

00:22:31.111 --> 00:22:36.925
But you're harnessed in and they tell you, like this harness can, it's 4,000 pounds or whatever, whatever it is, they explain.

00:22:36.925 --> 00:22:59.701
Well, at the end of every ropes course, by the time you get done, depending on the difficulty, you have a, you're at a significant level, right, height wise, and somehow you have to get down to the ground and the uh, there's, there's, there's, no, you know if you, if you have an issue with heights, you're not going to get out of this um, easily, right?

00:22:59.701 --> 00:23:15.784
The one that I hate the most is where you, where you, you're on top of this platform and you have to jump and grab this, like we'll say, like a bar that then you can swing down from and it's, and you get to the ground right.

00:23:16.686 --> 00:23:17.368
Absolutely not.

00:23:17.799 --> 00:23:23.282
Every time I have gone to this ropes course, I've done, I've done, I've done quite a few.

00:23:23.282 --> 00:23:25.441
I will get to the top.

00:23:25.441 --> 00:23:34.710
And a lot of times, like I'll tell my kids, I'm like, hey, look, depending on the type of way I have to get down, then I'm going to have to, I'm going to need a minute.

00:23:34.710 --> 00:23:50.526
So, just because because it does not feel like this is a safe moment, like I'm sitting here and you're asking me to almost free fall from this platform, why would I do that?

00:23:50.526 --> 00:24:05.653
Like I understand that I'm safe, like I get it, I'm harnessed in, but, like you were saying earlier, it's the feeling it's free fall of a feeling that you come and you know you're about to face right.

00:24:06.240 --> 00:24:06.381
My.

00:24:06.441 --> 00:24:13.410
Lord, and it's like, hey, I'm, I'm gonna have to, I'm gonna need a minute, right, but there's no other way to get down.

00:24:14.153 --> 00:24:15.136
That's why I never went up.

00:24:15.136 --> 00:24:15.858
Amen.

00:24:17.603 --> 00:24:18.625
Well, let's because.

00:24:18.625 --> 00:24:18.986
Okay.

00:24:18.986 --> 00:24:31.628
So now that I think this is where we can transition, because it is important to unlearn it, because if you're trying to progress in life, sometimes there's just no other way to move forward.

00:24:31.628 --> 00:24:44.698
Right, because you have decided I'm going to keep going, I'm going to keep going, I'm going to keep going and you're going to get to a point where you're you.

00:24:44.698 --> 00:24:46.222
There is no other option.

00:24:46.222 --> 00:24:51.579
There is no going backwards, because there's a whole bunch of people behind you and it's too far.

00:24:51.579 --> 00:24:54.606
You're going to have to redo everything you did before to get back down.

00:24:55.214 --> 00:24:56.838
It's not really going to be worth your energy.

00:24:56.838 --> 00:25:03.740
The best thing for you to do is going to be to jump and you've made it.

00:25:03.760 --> 00:25:04.241
Come on.

00:25:04.241 --> 00:25:05.826
Come on and preach to me, daughter.

00:25:07.455 --> 00:25:10.914
That's the best decision you can make, but sometimes it takes you a minute.

00:25:10.914 --> 00:25:12.479
So it's like you know.

00:25:12.479 --> 00:25:15.646
It took me a minute depending on the what I had to do.

00:25:15.646 --> 00:25:21.971
The only one I was most comfortable with is like the zip line, because that I can platform to platform.

00:25:22.491 --> 00:25:26.364
Yeah, it's just platform to platform and also, like you're, I don't have to jump in the air.

00:25:26.364 --> 00:25:28.422
I'm just grabbing onto something, I'm swinging.

00:25:28.422 --> 00:25:36.229
I could deal with that, but me jumping from here to there with nothing underneath me and I'm supposed to catch something.

00:25:36.229 --> 00:25:37.270
You have got to be kidding.

00:25:37.270 --> 00:25:39.095
There's no way I'm going to be able to do that.

00:25:39.095 --> 00:25:40.576
Who you think I am?

00:25:40.576 --> 00:25:42.618
Spiderman, that's what they want you to do.

00:25:42.618 --> 00:25:43.519
Like that's what they were.

00:25:43.519 --> 00:25:47.683
Like I'll just jump, and if you don't catch it, it's fine, cause you're still going to be caught.

00:25:47.683 --> 00:25:54.310
It's like man, I don't want to feel that, I don't want to feel like I'm falling, and so that's.

00:25:54.310 --> 00:25:57.780
But that's the risk we take when we're on this journey towards growth.

00:25:59.243 --> 00:26:03.757
My Lord, that's good, that's good, and there's so many words in that.

00:26:03.757 --> 00:26:04.498
You know.

00:26:04.498 --> 00:26:18.692
I think that you get to a season where you realize that, like, god has gotten you to a point where your only choice, the only decision that you can make, is to jump to the next place that he has for you.

00:26:18.692 --> 00:26:32.799
Like it's either stay still, don't, progress, don't move, don't get everything that God has for you, don't and there also comes a moment where he doesn't even give you the opportunity to stay stuck.

00:26:32.799 --> 00:26:34.984
You will get pushed out of the nest.

00:26:34.984 --> 00:26:35.767
You just got to go.

00:26:35.767 --> 00:26:40.463
Yep, you just got to go, you know, and it is not, you know.

00:26:40.463 --> 00:26:49.768
It's one of those things where you have to trust both the one who created you and you have to trust what he created in you.

00:26:49.768 --> 00:26:54.622
You have to trust that you have what you need to get to where he's sending you.

00:26:54.622 --> 00:26:58.957
That's all right with me, ruth Abigail.

00:26:58.977 --> 00:27:00.119
That's all right with me.

00:27:00.119 --> 00:27:06.518
So that's kind of the context of this discomfort and unsafe thing.

00:27:06.518 --> 00:27:09.885
It's a reality, it's just part of life.

00:27:09.885 --> 00:27:14.664
So the question is, what are some things we've had to unlearn while navigating those things?

00:27:15.434 --> 00:27:18.464
My Lord, you want me to jump in.

00:27:19.175 --> 00:27:20.201
I do, I do.

00:27:20.201 --> 00:27:22.997
Okay, all right, let me get in there, all right.

00:27:22.997 --> 00:27:37.508
The first thing that I feel that I had to learn, the first thing that I feel that I had to learn one I think that I was mischaracterized in my 20s as being overly emotional, like because I process.

00:27:37.508 --> 00:27:54.775
I have a personality that thinks while feeling at the same time, and so I'm kind of processing my thoughts and my feelings at the same time, and sometimes it can be difficult to emote because I'm literally thinking through my feelings One thing.

00:27:54.775 --> 00:28:16.875
But in the beginning of my mid-20s to late-20s, I kept getting told, or being told, that you have to basically get over your feelings, you have to push them away, you have to not get over your feelings, you have to push them away, you have to not let them matter, you have to not recognize them and you have to just keep pushing forward.

00:28:17.615 --> 00:28:36.154
And I think the thing that I had to unlearn in order to continue to push past moments that made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable is to not suppress what I felt, but to actually allow myself to face them and to resolve my feelings.

00:28:36.516 --> 00:28:47.665
Because what I learned is that when you bury your feelings, whatever you buried your life will begin to produce the fruit of what you buried right.

00:28:47.665 --> 00:28:49.396
So if you are trying to act like you're not afraid, your life will begin to produce the fruit of what you buried right.

00:28:49.396 --> 00:28:56.090
So if you are trying to act like you're not afraid, your life will begin to produce the fruit of fear, because it's still undealt with you.

00:28:56.090 --> 00:29:00.224
When you buried it, you actually planted it and it began to produce fruit.

00:29:00.224 --> 00:29:22.042
So when I started burying fruits of feeling unloved, unheard, fear, change, whatever it is I started seeing in my life things that look like what I thought I had put away Right, and so I had to learn to face myself so that I could allow myself to evolve past that.

00:29:22.042 --> 00:29:28.039
Rather than trying, I was making those things a part of me rather than allowing myself to grow past it.

00:29:29.122 --> 00:29:34.670
Do you remember this was, oh gosh, this was had to be five, six years ago.

00:29:34.670 --> 00:29:35.330
It was a while ago.

00:29:35.330 --> 00:29:47.925
But you and I were talking and we, we, we were kind of like riffing off of this um lock box analogy, like oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I, yeah, I do.

00:29:47.925 --> 00:30:00.390
And as you were talking, it just reminded me of that we can suppress stuff and lock it in a box that nobody can get to but us.

00:30:00.390 --> 00:30:09.445
And because we think nobody else can get to it, we feel like it's a safe place because I've locked it up.

00:30:09.445 --> 00:30:20.009
And the reality is it might be safe from other people, but it, but you're not safe from it because it's still there.

00:30:20.009 --> 00:30:27.205
And so the question is like, what is the key that's going to unlock the thing that needs?

00:30:27.246 --> 00:30:38.362
to be released, right, yeah, so a lot of times, like I've heard, like the idea of like feelings and not suppressing them, um, and emotions and not suppressing them, it's.

00:30:38.362 --> 00:30:40.663
It's a journey to figure out what.

00:30:40.663 --> 00:30:44.945
What emotion are you really feeling?

00:30:44.945 --> 00:30:52.440
Like you know, a lot of times you know, I know you've heard it said before, but like we use a anger.

00:30:52.440 --> 00:31:00.061
Anger is an emotion that we talk about a lot and a lot of times anger is a it's usually a secondary emotion.

00:31:00.061 --> 00:31:05.739
It's really not the first thing we feel, it's the second thing we feel because of the first thing, right?

00:31:06.160 --> 00:31:22.218
Whether the first thing is fear, or rejection, or shame, and it manifests itself in anger, and so I think part of that unlearning is understanding what's the real emotion I'm suppressing.

00:31:22.218 --> 00:31:28.148
What am I actually feeling that I'm unwilling to deal with?

00:31:28.148 --> 00:31:29.431
Right yeah?

00:31:29.672 --> 00:31:33.298
And, I think, getting getting one of those emotional, emotional wills.

00:31:33.298 --> 00:31:35.384
You know that have the different emotions.

00:31:35.384 --> 00:31:47.384
The thing that I had to learn was that I could not deal with an emotion that I could not name, and so I had to learn to stop, take a moment and say, Jaquita, how do you feel?

00:31:47.384 --> 00:31:53.140
And get as specific as possible Not, I feel sad, I feel disappointed.

00:31:53.140 --> 00:31:57.815
Yeah, right, not I feel mad, I'm frustrated, right.

00:31:57.815 --> 00:32:10.740
The more specific I could get, the more I was able to really really face what it was that was hindering me from moving forward, and I could resolve it.

00:32:10.740 --> 00:32:16.728
Once I named it, I could, like you said, open the lockbox and I could begin to unpack.

00:32:16.728 --> 00:32:19.022
But you can't unpack something that you can't name.

00:32:19.315 --> 00:32:30.189
Something that I've had to unsafe is for me, unlearning to look for challenges that I'm comfortable with.

00:32:30.189 --> 00:32:34.996
So I, I, I mean, I just like to win.

00:32:34.996 --> 00:32:37.642
I like, I like to be successful, I like to win.

00:32:37.642 --> 00:32:46.836
I don't like playing games I think I'm going to lose, like I'm okay with losing but I don't want to go into a game that I don't feel like I can.

00:32:46.836 --> 00:32:49.722
That's kind of my personality.

00:32:49.722 --> 00:32:52.696
Yeah, it's good or bad, it just is what it is.

00:32:52.696 --> 00:32:59.094
So I, I have had to unlearn like that that is the best way.

00:32:59.094 --> 00:33:05.938
Again, like the idea of being discomfort, being uncomfortable I'm not really sure being uncomfortable is worth it if you're not growing.

00:33:05.938 --> 00:33:13.087
So, uh, if, if I want to grow, I'm going to have to be okay with challenges that I'm not always comfortable with, right?

00:33:13.087 --> 00:33:33.880
So, um, I think one of the most important examples that I've ever experienced is, uh, I, I, uh, I play, I play piano and for most of my time, like I'm not somebody who you would know plays unless you had seen me, I don't talk about it.

00:33:33.880 --> 00:33:34.804
A lot.

00:33:35.414 --> 00:33:37.522
No, you don't actually, and I wish you would.

00:33:38.556 --> 00:33:49.945
No, whatever I tell people, you do tell people, which is aggravating, because it's like, hey, because as soon as people hear, it's like you have this.

00:33:49.945 --> 00:33:58.561
My thing is like you have this image in your mind on what that might look like and it's like I can guarantee you it's not what you think it is in your head.

00:33:58.561 --> 00:34:01.009
You are a wonderful piano player.

00:34:01.009 --> 00:34:03.655
Okay, I'm not saying I'm not.

00:34:04.455 --> 00:34:05.696
No, no, no I know, I know I'm good.

00:34:05.696 --> 00:34:07.238
Yes, she is Anybody.

00:34:07.238 --> 00:34:09.320
You remember how you tried to sell me as a tenor.

00:34:09.320 --> 00:34:10.981
Anybody need a tenor for sale?

00:34:10.981 --> 00:34:13.481
Does anybody need a keyboardist?

00:34:13.481 --> 00:34:17.525
Does anybody need somebody that can tickle the keys?

00:34:17.525 --> 00:34:18.865
Tickle the ivories?

00:34:18.865 --> 00:34:26.070
Okay, Ruth Abigail is your girl, just like, if you need a great connector.

00:34:26.190 --> 00:34:29.032
I have a lot of musician friends that would love to work with you.

00:34:29.032 --> 00:34:41.320
Um, so, uh, I so I remember this particular moment right when I just moved to Memphis, so I was probably 23, 20, 23.

00:34:41.320 --> 00:34:51.195
And, um, I was going to church and while we were in this young, it was in a young adult group and they were I sat in the back.

00:34:51.195 --> 00:34:52.766
I didn't really talk to anybody, Like I was.

00:34:52.766 --> 00:34:55.320
I'm one of those people like at church, I'm going to the back and I'm leaving.

00:34:55.320 --> 00:35:01.177
Like I don't really do a whole lot of things after church, especially with people I didn't know well, like I didn't know a whole lot of folks.

00:35:01.177 --> 00:35:06.867
So I was really just kind of in and out, so I sit in the back, headed out the door.

00:35:06.867 --> 00:35:16.186
One of the announcements that they made was that they were building a band for the young adult service, and so I heard that's all, that's nice.

00:35:16.775 --> 00:35:22.722
So I, I have nothing to do with that, that's great.

00:35:24.184 --> 00:35:25.007
So I was like okay, cool.

00:35:25.007 --> 00:35:31.117
So I went to the back, I stopped in the there's like two doorways, there's like a hallway in between the two doors.

00:35:31.117 --> 00:35:52.463
You wouldn't, when you go out the, go out the room, I uh, I, I and I don't say this often because this isn't I don't, I just don't, it doesn't happen often, I don't say it often, but in that moment I actually heard God tell me to turn around and tell them that you play and I said absolutely not.

00:35:54.295 --> 00:35:55.539
Not, absolutely not.

00:35:55.539 --> 00:35:56.362
Ruth Abigail.

00:35:57.144 --> 00:35:57.485
I did.

00:35:57.485 --> 00:35:58.780
I said no, I'm not going to do that.

00:35:58.780 --> 00:36:00.661
And so he said it again.

00:36:00.661 --> 00:36:06.347
And I've been walking with the Lord long enough to know don't have him do it a third time.

00:36:06.347 --> 00:36:11.960
So I said, okay, walking with the Lord long enough to know don't have him do it a third time.

00:36:11.960 --> 00:36:12.280
So I said okay.

00:36:12.280 --> 00:36:13.083
So I, I did it and I go up.

00:36:13.083 --> 00:36:20.695
And it was the most awkward thing because, again, I don't really know them that well, but I was like hey, you know, I'll, I want to, I like to audition, I play piano, whatever.

00:36:20.695 --> 00:36:23.699
They're like okay, cool, come audition.

00:36:23.699 --> 00:36:28.606
So went auditioned I'm the only person that really plays keys.

00:36:28.606 --> 00:36:41.880
So I, I didn't really have, I mean, I, I got it, um, but it was, uh, that was the start of me playing for the young adult group, fast forward, maybe about a year or so.

00:36:42.782 --> 00:36:50.166
Um, I, there is a, a, a young lady who's getting married, and so she and her husband are getting married and they're both in a single adult group.

00:36:50.166 --> 00:36:52.920
So she comes and asks me.

00:36:52.920 --> 00:36:54.306
She was like hey, will you play at my wedding?

00:36:54.306 --> 00:36:57.182
And I had become I've become like.

00:36:57.182 --> 00:37:03.849
I eventually became like the keyboard is for all the people getting married, um, and the adult group.

00:37:03.849 --> 00:37:04.936
So I said, sure We'd love to.

00:37:04.936 --> 00:37:05.735
So she said sure we'd love to.

00:37:05.735 --> 00:37:13.141
So she said I'm going to great, I have a singer that I'm going to introduce you to and I want you guys to play together.

00:37:13.141 --> 00:37:13.882
I said, okay, cool.

00:37:13.882 --> 00:37:15.443
She's like do you know Jill Dyson?

00:37:15.443 --> 00:37:25.871
Now, jill is now shoot 13 years later a good friend of mine and we love Jill.

00:37:25.871 --> 00:37:28.039
Hey Jill, hey Jill, what's up?

00:37:28.039 --> 00:37:30.675
We, um, we co-founded Angel Street together.

00:37:31.077 --> 00:37:33.822
So this is kind of the origin story of that.

00:37:33.822 --> 00:37:45.318
And so I met Jill as a result of somebody from that young adult group asked me to play on their wedding and put Jill and I together cause she was singing at their wedding and so we had to play together at this wedding.

00:37:45.318 --> 00:37:47.541
So that's how Jill and I met.

00:37:47.541 --> 00:38:05.724
I go back to that point so often because that moment defined the next 13 years of my life, like co-founding an organization, now leading that organization and being able to make the impact we've made with young ladies and all this stuff.

00:38:05.724 --> 00:38:09.463
I'm not saying it wouldn't happen, because I don't.

00:38:09.463 --> 00:38:11.867
God could do whatever he wants to do, but it wouldn't have happened with me.

00:38:11.867 --> 00:38:18.835
Um, it probably wouldn't have happened the way it did, but the reason that I met you is because I said yes to being uncomfortable.

00:38:19.777 --> 00:38:22.242
My God, you know.

00:38:22.242 --> 00:38:31.757
But I think that it is always the moments where you said yes when you didn't want to, those are the moments that yield the greatest results.

00:38:31.757 --> 00:38:38.077
It's not the yes that you planned, it's not the yes that you desired or the yes that you wanted.

00:38:38.077 --> 00:38:43.487
I can honestly say that there have been so many times in my life.

00:38:43.487 --> 00:38:49.807
This is a simple example, but it still applies, even like the last time.

00:38:49.807 --> 00:38:53.686
So I drive an hour to get to my job every day.

00:38:53.686 --> 00:38:56.143
When I drive an hour there, I drive an hour back.

00:38:56.143 --> 00:39:00.186
It is a wonderful experience, if you will.

00:39:01.096 --> 00:39:19.686
But when I, you know, at the time I had a car that was getting on up there in age and she was struggling and I knew that it was going to be time to replace her because the mileage was getting high and I drive too much to not have a car that I can really depend on, I did not want to say yes to getting a new car.

00:39:19.686 --> 00:39:37.708
But when I walked on the car lot and the Lord showed me what was next, it was this big old seven passenger three row GMC Acadia and I was like I don't want all of that car, like I don't want that much car.

00:39:37.708 --> 00:39:41.496
You know, before I had a little Ford Escape.

00:39:41.496 --> 00:39:42.798
She was perfect.

00:39:42.798 --> 00:39:47.005
You know, I like the compact SUVs.

00:39:47.005 --> 00:39:51.621
Okay, the crossover, if you will, I like the crossover.

00:39:51.621 --> 00:40:07.188
But when I think about saying yes to that moment because I had to get convinced to my yes, I ain't going to lie to you, I had to get talked into it but when I think about how many family trips I've taken now I've only had that car for a year, but I have been able.

00:40:07.235 --> 00:40:17.061
I drove to Memphis in that car and we rode to Memphis for your wedding, you know, I drove my family to Florida.

00:40:17.061 --> 00:40:17.882
I drove me and my mom to the beach.

00:40:17.882 --> 00:40:18.746
I drove, you know, my family.

00:40:18.746 --> 00:40:19.769
We're going to Tennessee.

00:40:19.769 --> 00:40:29.916
I'm going to drive my family to Tennessee and had it not been for having that car, everybody might not have been able to make it to the places that we were desiring to go.

00:40:30.358 --> 00:40:42.001
I had new experiences, I had greater experiences and I had safer what I thought was going to feel unsafe, because I didn't want new car payments, I didn't want to pay more for gas, I didn't want this big behind car.

00:40:42.001 --> 00:40:44.545
I wanted something not compact.

00:40:44.545 --> 00:40:58.317
I've never liked a small car, but I did not want this big family car, but it has getting the bigger car.

00:40:58.317 --> 00:41:04.373
And making the scarier choice has led to greater reward and a lot of times we think that making safe choices will get us a big reward.

00:41:04.373 --> 00:41:09.246
But a safe choice is only going to get you a safe reward and it's going to be limited.

00:41:09.246 --> 00:41:24.820
And if you're asking God for unlimited blessings, you have to be able to go where he is telling you, because he's seeing more than you see and you have to accept what God is showing you and not the picture that you created in your mind.

00:41:25.059 --> 00:41:29.208
Well, I mean now, and that's because the picture you create is not.

00:41:29.208 --> 00:41:35.005
That in itself is limiting, because you're a limited person, my Lord.

00:41:35.005 --> 00:42:12.092
So, whatever, if you're trying to, if you're simply trying to get to what's in your own head and that's all you want, then that is, you are limiting yourself automatically, no matter how big the thing is feels to you in your mind, and so that push to the uncomfortable, the unsafe, is the key to going beyond yourself, which ultimately, is gonna bring the greater impact, and whatever it is that whether it's your family or other people around you, whatever it is like, it's going to do that.

00:42:12.092 --> 00:42:20.699
So I just go back to that moment in my own life, because it's I don't.

00:42:20.699 --> 00:42:22.244
Part of the reason that it was I was uncomfortable.

00:42:22.244 --> 00:42:24.148
Telling people I played is because of what I said earlier.

00:42:24.148 --> 00:42:26.757
I don't want you to get an idea in your head that I can't live up to.

00:42:27.880 --> 00:42:31.063
And wait, can I jump in right there?

00:42:31.063 --> 00:43:11.215
I think the thing that, uh, something I left off the list of things that makes me feel unsafe is other people's expectations, like the idea that that people are expecting greatness out of me and that I won't be able to perform, the fear of not being able to perform Right, and I need you to talk specifically about how you push past like that specific fear of like not being able to live up to other people's expectations of like not being able to live up to other people's expectations.

00:43:16.257 --> 00:43:26.291
I mean, I think the biggest, the biggest thing in overcoming that is is probably realizing that, um, they don't have the, they don't have the whole picture either.

00:43:26.291 --> 00:43:28.983
Right, people's expectations is not the end, all be all, it's just, it's it's.

00:43:28.983 --> 00:43:29.887
They don't have the whole picture either.

00:43:29.887 --> 00:43:34.184
Right, people's expectations is not the end, all be all, it's just they don't have the whole picture either.

00:43:34.184 --> 00:43:36.461
So they have a limited view, just like you do.

00:43:36.983 --> 00:43:37.204
Yeah.

00:43:37.855 --> 00:43:40.644
And so that has helped me.

00:43:41.195 --> 00:43:51.445
It's like, don't put so much weight on that because they are as limited as you are, they have these certain, and it's like but then there's also a confidence in what I am able to do.

00:43:51.445 --> 00:43:53.318
So it's like I'm not.

00:43:53.318 --> 00:44:13.681
I may not do what you think is about to happen, but what I am going to do is going to be pretty good, like I'm going to do, I'm going to do a great job of what I'm about to do, and so then it's like then it's really just a matter of you knowing alright, I don't belong everywhere.

00:44:14.556 --> 00:44:15.280
So specifically for me.

00:44:15.420 --> 00:44:16.297
I had to just come to that.

00:44:16.297 --> 00:44:19.038
You don't have to belong everywhere to matter.

00:44:19.038 --> 00:44:22.849
So there are certain settings.

00:44:22.849 --> 00:44:32.050
I know that's not my place, I don't for me as a musician and choose as an example that's not my place, I and I.

00:44:32.070 --> 00:44:42.860
You know I joke about it, but the reality is like, if you, if you're looking for, you know, down home foot stomping, shouting music, that's not me.

00:44:42.860 --> 00:44:52.757
I mean, I can do it, but it's not going to be that the level you would like and I'm not going to be very comfortable with it.

00:44:52.757 --> 00:44:56.269
So you're not going to be able to really lean into it the way you want.

00:44:56.269 --> 00:44:59.036
Now, you know I didn't grow up playing that.

00:44:59.036 --> 00:45:01.387
I grew up, I didn't grow up playing it.

00:45:01.387 --> 00:45:11.733
So I'm, I'm going to be a more contemporary, uh style of music when it comes to when it comes to that and I was, you know, talking about church music or whatever.

00:45:12.233 --> 00:45:24.672
So that's just an example and I have to get comfortable with it and say, hey, I know what I do and I will say yes to the things that I know I do well and that I belong to, and the ones I don't, I'm not tripping on, I'm not trying to meet your expectation.

00:45:24.672 --> 00:45:26.114
I know that that's not my lane.

00:45:26.114 --> 00:45:32.130
So I think it's just realizing that's not my lane and be okay with it, because, again, you don't have to do everything to matter.

00:45:32.130 --> 00:45:33.996
I matter to the people I need to matter to.

00:45:33.996 --> 00:45:39.670
And if that, if that's not you, that doesn't make me any less.

00:45:39.670 --> 00:45:42.152
It just means that this isn't the right fit.

00:45:42.152 --> 00:45:45.516
So I but it's.

00:45:45.516 --> 00:45:53.155
It's a matter of understanding who you are, what you do well and acknowledging that and knowing that other people don't have.

00:45:53.155 --> 00:45:59.275
They're as limited as you are, so their expectations are limited, like their vision is.

00:45:59.275 --> 00:46:00.077
They don't know.

00:46:00.844 --> 00:46:09.025
I think that something that kind of really connects to what you're saying is the thing that I had to unlearn.

00:46:09.025 --> 00:46:12.914
And this one's not on the sheet, friends, it's fresh off the dome.

00:46:12.914 --> 00:46:35.655
Okay, I had to learn that my obedience is better than my ability, that, like my, that the power of, of my gift, of my, of my gift, of my presence, or whatever it is that you think that I'm bringing to the table, is not being empowered by how special I am or by how great I am.

00:46:35.655 --> 00:46:37.438
It's about how surrendered I am.

00:46:37.438 --> 00:46:52.471
And I got to a point where, because I've always been pretty comfortable in front of a microphone, because I've always been pretty comfortable in front of a microphone, like I think I knew from like an early age that like, hey, give me the mic, I'll be fine, right.

00:46:52.971 --> 00:46:57.773
And then there were just moments where I got up to speak and I was like that wasn't good at all.

00:46:57.773 --> 00:47:08.918
Right, other people may have thought it was good, but I knew that I was like something was missing and I started realizing that it is the presence of God that makes me great.

00:47:08.918 --> 00:47:12.599
It is my surrenderance to what God is telling me to do.

00:47:12.599 --> 00:47:19.202
That is what powers and fuels the gift.

00:47:19.202 --> 00:47:23.702
The gift is fueled by obedience and not by how good I am.

00:47:23.702 --> 00:47:26.909
When did you Were?

00:47:26.909 --> 00:47:27.512
When did you say something?

00:47:27.932 --> 00:47:32.141
Yeah, I was going to ask like when did you, when did you learn to be comfortable with that Cause?

00:47:32.141 --> 00:47:38.496
I can imagine that that, that, that's that posture of surrendering can't be right.

00:47:38.556 --> 00:47:39.398
No, it's not.

00:47:39.398 --> 00:47:44.688
Let me tell you what really taught me the posture of surrendering, especially when it comes to speaking.

00:47:44.688 --> 00:48:06.945
I have when I learned the difference between speaking and preaching right, and I started surrendering and speaking because now, every time before I go out to speak anywhere, I did a presentation this morning that I've literally done a million times, literally like telling parents about how to get their students involved.

00:48:06.945 --> 00:48:09.773
I've literally done this presentation a million times.

00:48:09.773 --> 00:48:13.449
But before I walked out there, I said God, are you with me?

00:48:13.449 --> 00:48:21.927
And he says always, I always, I'm always with you, I always got you and I'm like all right as long as you with me, I'm going Right.

00:48:22.027 --> 00:48:24.371
And so I started learning to do that.

00:48:24.371 --> 00:48:35.061
Because I there is no worse feeling, because once you get in front of people and you have the microphone, there's no like retreating back.

00:48:35.061 --> 00:48:39.737
Like there's no way I forgot to study this or I forgot to gather my point here.

00:48:39.737 --> 00:48:56.777
Like you're in the moment you got to go, and when you get to the moment where you don't know what you're going to say next and you're wholly depending on the Lord, right, like I learned surrender in those moments and I learned to not trust my gift because my gift is so good.

00:48:56.777 --> 00:49:20.452
But I learned to trust my gift because my gift is surrendered, right, and as long as I am actively practicing, like telling God, like, hey, it's not me, you know, I, I have no power of my own, I'm not, you know, the last time that I preached freaked me out because I was sitting there, I was like all right, lord, where are my notes?

00:49:20.452 --> 00:49:22.235
Give me the notes.

00:49:22.235 --> 00:49:24.047
And he was like ain't no notes.

00:49:24.047 --> 00:49:26.954
And I was like so, no notes.

00:49:26.954 --> 00:49:32.914
So I was studying and God was speaking, he would not let me write anything down.

00:49:32.914 --> 00:49:43.907
And it was probably the point of highest surrender that I've ever had to, like really be in, to the point where I'm up there and I'm like I know it's all in here.

00:49:43.907 --> 00:49:45.590
I know it's all in here.

00:49:45.590 --> 00:49:47.954
I have no idea how this is about to come out.

00:49:47.954 --> 00:49:50.480
I have no idea the delivery Right.

00:49:50.864 --> 00:49:54.356
My job is to surrender and to make myself a willing vessel.

00:49:54.356 --> 00:50:07.385
I don't necessarily get to decide what's poured out Right, and so are not necessarily what's poured out but how it's poured out, like you know.

00:50:07.385 --> 00:50:12.786
And so I've had to learn how to trust God more and more with more elements of what I do and how I do it, especially when you're leading people.

00:50:12.786 --> 00:50:21.650
Especially when you're leading people, you know, like you, you not that big and bad, that you just going to be the best leader anybody ever saw.

00:50:21.650 --> 00:50:24.016
You're going to have to learn obedience.

00:50:24.016 --> 00:50:26.007
Yes, you're going to have to learn.

00:50:26.007 --> 00:50:34.375
If you are not being led, preferably by the Lord, but if you are not being led, you are not going to be a good leader.

00:50:34.375 --> 00:50:43.485
If something in you is not surrendered and made free and made right and made well, you are not going to be a good leader.

00:50:43.485 --> 00:50:48.626
You have got to be led, have got to be led in order to be able to lead.

00:50:49.349 --> 00:50:52.556
Because I think that, again, going back to this, is limitation thing.

00:50:52.556 --> 00:51:00.867
I don't know why this is just keep, but like we're limited, you can't believe that you've got everything inside of you and that's.

00:51:00.867 --> 00:51:15.489
I don't want to go off on this tangent, but there there is a message that we, that is a cultural message that you know, all you need is what's in you and I just, I just don't believe that.

00:51:15.489 --> 00:51:38.777
From it sounds good, but if all we have is what's in us and we have no the humility that is needed to accept things that we don't understand, that we can't see, that we don't know, Learn from others, Learn from other experiences, Learn from wisdom and ultimately, learn from your creator, because you don't have a perspective beyond just you.

00:51:39.525 --> 00:51:45.324
So the idea that it's just all inside of you is a flawed idea.

00:51:45.324 --> 00:51:48.594
It's a nice philosophy, but there's too many flaws to it.

00:51:48.594 --> 00:51:59.860
And so, to your point, this, this idea of surrendering, because there's always going to be a point to where it's you don't going further.

00:51:59.860 --> 00:52:05.675
You know, going back to the jumping analogy, there's going to be a point where there's no more platform.

00:52:08.824 --> 00:52:11.094
And you're going to have to either stop or jump.

00:52:11.094 --> 00:52:13.572
My Lord, there's no more platform.

00:52:14.204 --> 00:52:19.929
And at some point you know when you get to that platform, you have to like you've come to the end of yourself.

00:52:19.929 --> 00:52:21.612
You've come to the end of the thing that you know.

00:52:21.612 --> 00:52:23.577
So the question is what are you going to do?

00:52:23.577 --> 00:52:33.706
You're going to stop?

00:52:33.706 --> 00:52:35.070
Are you going to keep going when you come to the end of yourself?

00:52:35.070 --> 00:52:35.570
That's going to happen.

00:52:35.570 --> 00:52:42.009
Yeah, yes, that discomfort is the only way again for you to move forward, but it's not a belief in yourself, because you have come to the end of yourself.

00:52:42.469 --> 00:52:44.454
Yeah, it's got to go beyond that.

00:52:44.454 --> 00:52:48.186
I just thought about of yourself.

00:52:48.186 --> 00:52:48.827
Yeah, it's got to go beyond that.

00:52:48.827 --> 00:53:06.458
I just thought about, you know, the apostle Paul, I believe is second Corinthians 12, when he, when he asked God to remove the thorn that's in his side, and he says there's something like, as he is asking God to remove that thorn, you know, and he said I asked the Lord three times to remove the thorn.

00:53:06.458 --> 00:53:13.085
I believe there's a part where he says I will come to revelations of the Lord, like God will.

00:53:13.085 --> 00:53:14.485
God will speak to me.

00:53:14.485 --> 00:53:21.570
But this thorn was given, you know, like so that basically, he could remain humble and dependent on God.

00:53:21.570 --> 00:53:36.978
But there is, the thorn is producing something in him that allows him to go draw nearer to God, and to draw nearer to to what God is is is pulling out of him and pushing through him.

00:53:36.978 --> 00:53:44.902
Right, the revelations don't come unless you allow the thorn to do the work that it's supposed to do in your life.

00:53:44.902 --> 00:53:57.092
And so I think a lot of times, you know, we spend so much of our life trying to pull the thorn out ourselves.

00:53:57.092 --> 00:53:59.844
We like, hey, give me that big clipper over there, let me get that big clipper, see if I can get the thing.

00:53:59.844 --> 00:54:01.726
Give me the pliers, let me get the pliers.

00:54:01.726 --> 00:54:11.751
And we spend so much energy trying to remove or trying to move away from what God is using to actually build up something in you.

00:54:11.771 --> 00:54:35.126
Stop focusing on building accomplishment, and I had to focus on building character, right, I wanted to be.

00:54:35.126 --> 00:54:44.498
Really, what I was trying to do when I was in my 20s was that I was trying to prove that I could be, I could do that.

00:54:44.498 --> 00:54:56.427
I was trying to prove to other people and, honestly, to myself, because of my own feelings of insecurity, low self-esteem, feeling almost aimless, feeling worthless.

00:54:56.427 --> 00:55:11.039
I wanted to prove to myself that I was a person of purpose, that I was a person of impact and that I was a person that could have influence and that could that, could, that could produce something in the world.

00:55:11.039 --> 00:55:13.110
And so I started just doing stuff.

00:55:13.210 --> 00:55:15.916
Right around that time, I started a blog.

00:55:15.916 --> 00:55:24.954
I started a blog because somebody told me you don't do enough, right, you're not doing anything.

00:55:24.954 --> 00:55:27.007
Every time I look at you, you're not doing anything.

00:55:27.007 --> 00:55:29.632
And I was like, well, doggone it, I'll show you.

00:55:29.632 --> 00:55:30.375
All.

00:55:30.375 --> 00:55:34.610
Right, here's a blog and I'd be sitting up every night writing my blog.

00:55:34.610 --> 00:55:37.257
Like, look at me doing the thing Right.

00:55:37.257 --> 00:55:40.507
And so don't tell me I ain't doing nothing.

00:55:40.507 --> 00:55:42.128
Here I go, here I go Right.

00:55:42.128 --> 00:55:43.050
And so I'm, you know, here I go, right.

00:55:43.050 --> 00:55:48.914
And so I'm, you know, actively working on like pulling up, putting this blog.

00:55:48.974 --> 00:56:06.215
I didn't, I mean, I advertised a little bit, but I was just focused on getting getting something out, like I needed to produce something to make me feel like I was being impactful or purposeful.

00:56:06.215 --> 00:56:19.172
But what I didn't realize was was that it was not my, my my growth was not in my productivity, it was again in my ability to say Jaquita, look inwardly, not outwardly, right, what is God?

00:56:19.172 --> 00:56:21.036
And I didn't know to do this at the time.

00:56:21.036 --> 00:56:37.045
You know, retrospectively I look back and I'm and I say that blog literally I had one comment on that blog, I think maybe three, I think maybe like eight people read the first blog and I wrote 20 other blogs.

00:56:37.786 --> 00:56:37.967
Who?

00:56:37.967 --> 00:56:40.971
The devil knows if anybody ever saw it, but I was.

00:56:40.971 --> 00:56:41.592
I was pushing out content.

00:56:41.592 --> 00:56:48.800
But I was, I was pushing out content, but what it built in me was was discipline.

00:56:48.800 --> 00:56:55.467
It built the character traits of.

00:56:55.467 --> 00:56:56.288
I started believing in my abilities.

00:56:56.288 --> 00:56:57.170
It built up my self-confidence.

00:56:57.170 --> 00:57:02.659
It built up my ability to be able to be introspective and intuitive.

00:57:02.659 --> 00:57:06.771
That, as I was going through life circumstances, I was like, oh, I could write about that.

00:57:06.771 --> 00:57:08.755
Oh, I could go put that in my blog.

00:57:08.755 --> 00:57:16.059
Oh, that's going to be this week's blog post, right, it did not become a huge accomplishment in my life, right?

00:57:16.119 --> 00:57:22.356
Leadthesheartblogspot, if anybody wants to, I think it's still up, but you know, nobody's looked at it in years.

00:57:22.356 --> 00:57:32.340
They shut the site.

00:57:32.340 --> 00:57:32.574
I think they shut the site down.

00:57:32.574 --> 00:57:32.639
They sent me an email.

00:57:32.639 --> 00:57:34.300
They was like hey, girl, it's not there.

00:57:34.300 --> 00:57:36.204
Yeah, yeah, they're like hey, hey, child, ain't nobody really looking at this?

00:57:36.204 --> 00:57:36.750
So we're going to free this internet space up.

00:57:36.750 --> 00:57:36.945
Uh, you can.

00:57:36.849 --> 00:57:45.072
I got evicted from that blog, okay, but that blog produced in me it was working out my gift and it wasn't.

00:57:45.072 --> 00:57:56.056
It wasn't the blog itself, didn't change any lives, but it built up a person that could be humble, that could be dedicated, that could be disciplined.

00:57:56.056 --> 00:58:02.802
Right, it built up this character that was able to go into the next level of my destiny, right.

00:58:02.802 --> 00:58:09.108
Yeah, the one thing I teach people when I do seminars and workshops amen, book me All.

00:58:09.108 --> 00:58:19.938
Right, when I do seminars and workshops, I teach them that your character, the stability of your character, has to be able to carry the weight of your purpose.

00:58:19.938 --> 00:58:31.121
Right, you have to have a character that's built up in order that, that that is able to carry what it is that you say you're going to do, who it is that you say you will become.

00:58:31.121 --> 00:58:36.737
Right, and you know I emphasize that we are human beings, not human doings.

00:58:37.166 --> 00:58:38.548
Right, I had a student.

00:58:38.548 --> 00:58:39.791
His name was Zach.

00:58:39.791 --> 00:58:44.809
We call him Zach Attack because I'm corny, but it was a fun time.

00:58:44.809 --> 00:58:48.896
He came to class late, literally every day.

00:58:48.896 --> 00:58:53.753
Here comes that 10 minutes, 15 minutes late, not turning into homework.

00:58:53.813 --> 00:58:55.157
I taught college skills, y'all.

00:58:55.157 --> 00:58:56.527
Freshman seminar.

00:58:56.527 --> 00:59:06.835
We learn in personality types, time management, learning styles, not necessarily simple stuff, but the class is all about you.

00:59:06.835 --> 00:59:08.507
You should get an A is what I'm trying to say.

00:59:08.507 --> 00:59:10.291
You should get an A in college skills.

00:59:10.291 --> 00:59:11.474
That's not a secret.

00:59:11.474 --> 00:59:18.146
He was failing because he was not doing any of the homework when I took him to the side, I said, zach, what do you want to do?

00:59:18.146 --> 00:59:20.550
What is it that you're aiming to become?

00:59:20.550 --> 00:59:22.672
And he said I want to be a doctor.

00:59:22.672 --> 00:59:33.365
I said, sir, you are not exhibiting the character of who you say you're going to become, and if you put doctor on top of this character, your dreams are going to fall through it.

00:59:33.365 --> 00:59:44.806
And a lot of times our dreams fall through not because it's not in us to do, not because we're not gifted enough, anointed enough, talented enough, knowledgeable enough, wise enough.

00:59:44.806 --> 00:59:53.425
It's falling through because you have not built up the areas in your life that will be able to sustain the weight of what it is that you're hoping for.

00:59:54.007 --> 00:59:55.951
Oh, absolutely.

00:59:55.951 --> 01:00:07.659
I think I saw a quote on Instagram about this, like the idea of it is dangerous to build up your gift and not your character.

01:00:09.726 --> 01:00:11.432
My Lord, yeah, it's dangerous.

01:00:12.809 --> 01:00:16.467
It's a dangerous place to be that.

01:00:16.467 --> 01:00:17.528
So I think you know.

01:00:17.528 --> 01:00:31.474
But that I love that you made that example about the blog you shared, that you know I had a blog at one point and I never thought about it really until you were talking about it.

01:00:31.474 --> 01:00:36.813
That was the kind of my first entry point into being vulnerable is that is the blog.

01:00:36.813 --> 01:00:41.086
And I still, to this day, I'm like why in the world?

01:00:41.126 --> 01:00:55.425
Cause it was one of those, one of those moments where I was writing and I I I'm a decent writer I think, um, I can, I can do that pretty well, but I was writing at a level that I didn't know I could write.

01:00:55.425 --> 01:01:01.509
And even when I realized, even when I go back and read them, I really be like who was that?

01:01:01.509 --> 01:01:07.909
I don't, I don't even know how I could possibly produce something like that today, that I don't, I don't even know how I could possibly produce something like that today.

01:01:07.909 --> 01:01:14.079
But I think it was, you know God, taking me through the process of vulnerability.

01:01:14.079 --> 01:01:24.990
Um and so, uh, in case y'all were wondering y'all, uh, queda's dog sitting and so she's turning around playing with something on the floor.

01:01:24.990 --> 01:01:25.451
It's a dog.

01:01:27.414 --> 01:01:28.615
Listen, it's a wonderful.

01:01:28.615 --> 01:01:29.516
It's a wonderful time.

01:01:29.516 --> 01:01:30.217
I'm trying.

01:01:30.217 --> 01:01:42.108
This is her first night here, so I'm trying to make her comfortable.

01:01:42.108 --> 01:01:43.010
You know, I don't want her to feel abandoned.

01:01:43.010 --> 01:01:43.550
I want her to feel loved.

01:01:43.550 --> 01:01:44.554
I want her to feel safe.

01:01:44.554 --> 01:01:46.559
We're talking about being safe and comfortable.

01:01:46.559 --> 01:01:55.474
I'm trying to make sure that you know cause she she got here and I'm, like you know, tied up, so I'm trying to, you know, show her some love.

01:01:55.474 --> 01:01:56.840
You do what you gotta do.

01:01:57.201 --> 01:01:58.626
You gotta do what you gotta do.

01:01:58.626 --> 01:02:03.873
I want the dog to survive, Um, but, but, but, yeah.

01:02:03.873 --> 01:02:16.815
So like that entry point, that blogging piece, like it's an entry point into vulnerability, I think, probably for both of us public vulnerability, and it was like a first step and even though the blogs didn't take off or anything like that, it the, the.

01:02:16.815 --> 01:02:25.534
There is a level of discomfort that we had to enter into in order to get to the point where we are now on a podcast, which is way more vulnerable than a blog.

01:02:34.625 --> 01:02:34.824
Oh my gosh.

01:02:34.824 --> 01:02:36.670
We don't even need to talk about how vulnerable I feel on the podcast.

01:02:36.670 --> 01:02:39.998
All this talk about me feeling comfortable in front of the mic that's in front of audiences I can see.

01:02:39.998 --> 01:02:45.085
It's the audiences that I can't see that scare the mess out of me.

01:02:45.085 --> 01:02:47.148
This kind of content is forever because the audience that you can't see, that scare the mess out of me.

01:02:47.148 --> 01:02:49.820
This kind of content is forever because the audience that you can see is live.

01:02:49.820 --> 01:02:53.849
It goes away when you do, but this stays like so.

01:02:53.849 --> 01:02:58.117
It is constantly in rotation so anybody can pick it up whenever and it is.

01:02:58.117 --> 01:03:20.713
There is a level of vulnerability you have to be prepared for with that, and so I think, for maybe for both of us, that first step of doing this blog that didn't feel like it was accomplishing much helped us to develop a character, to say yes to this and yes to other things that are at a higher level of vulnerability, in order for to, to help people and have a um, a deeper impact and so like.

01:03:20.713 --> 01:03:27.748
Again, it is saying yes to that, to the, to the, to the uncomfortable, not even understanding why you're doing it.

01:03:27.748 --> 01:03:30.675
Um, I think that's that's also a key point.

01:03:30.675 --> 01:03:34.853
It's like you gotta, you gotta understand this is going to be a thing y'all, um, she's, she's.

01:03:35.324 --> 01:03:46.213
So I I mean, I really had to be comfortable with God pushing me forward and you know, like a lot of times we find our place of giftedness.

01:03:46.213 --> 01:03:54.976
But you can get comfortable in what you think you're good at, right, and then God will like start nudging you to another level of that thing.

01:03:54.976 --> 01:04:01.554
And this podcast low key has very much been that for me, because Ruth Abigail has been podcasting for a while.

01:04:01.554 --> 01:04:06.635
You know she's been out here podcasting in these streets, so she ready to talk about any and everything.

01:04:06.635 --> 01:04:13.675
Redaviga was like, let's bare our souls, let's get on here and tell the people the real deal.

01:04:13.675 --> 01:04:17.434
And I'm like, I'm all for you know a little real deal.

01:04:17.434 --> 01:04:25.536
But uh-huh, ma'am, this is the interwebs and all I keep thinking OK, low key, this is what I keep thinking about.

01:04:25.536 --> 01:04:29.072
Webs and all I keep thinking okay, low key, this is what I keep thinking about.

01:04:29.092 --> 01:04:33.184
I keep thinking about, like, comedians who like have to like go back because they said something in like 2010,.

01:04:33.184 --> 01:04:57.034
Right, that's like coming back to haunt them now, right, and I keep being like somebody's going to take this podcast one day and I'm going to be at the top of my game and they're going to be like yeah, but remember when Jaquita was 25 and she told that story about how she, you know, whatever, whatever, and I am like I am trying to protect my future, right and so.

01:04:57.034 --> 01:05:13.161
But you know it has been unlearning that you know, you, you producing safety, like the safety that your imagination produces, can oftentimes be the fences that keep you out of your promised land.

01:05:13.161 --> 01:05:17.056
Right, you think it's a safety net, but it's actually a fence.

01:05:17.056 --> 01:05:23.297
Yeah, so I've had to unlearn building fences because I thought they were keeping me safe.

01:05:23.297 --> 01:05:24.427
That's really right.

01:05:24.427 --> 01:05:30.855
Like in the movie Fences, denzel Washington said I tell you what that was good.

01:05:30.855 --> 01:05:34.050
Right, I tell you what I'm going to build me a fence.

01:05:34.050 --> 01:05:40.070
And the idea of a fence is that nothing can get in.

01:05:40.070 --> 01:05:51.617
But also, you don't realize that nothing can get out, because his son was like you trapped me here, you trapped me in this place and you wouldn't let me grow past you.

01:05:51.617 --> 01:06:17.550
Well, god is saying you trapped me in this place and what you imagine and what you plan and what you designed and what you thought would work, you are trying to trap me and what you thought you was going to build around your future, but the Lord said absolutely not, and he will prod you and prod you and prod you until you tear down the things that you built to keep him out.

01:06:17.550 --> 01:06:24.708
It has to get torn down or you will not walk into the next level of your destiny.

01:06:25.068 --> 01:06:32.713
And, as a person who thrives on feeling safe, let me tell y'all I enjoy.

01:06:32.713 --> 01:06:33.936
I'm not a risk taker.

01:06:33.936 --> 01:06:38.873
I am not that person that's like, hey, y'all, let's go do something new.

01:06:38.873 --> 01:06:39.646
I'm about to.

01:06:39.646 --> 01:06:54.617
You know, I like to come up with new ideas, but I absolutely hate like somebody putting something on me I didn't expect, or having to do something that doesn't feel like it's going to produce a good result, but somebody telling me just do it, it's going to be great.

01:06:54.617 --> 01:06:55.400
No, baby.

01:06:55.400 --> 01:06:57.007
That's why I ain't never been on a ropes course.

01:06:57.728 --> 01:07:05.851
I remember when I was in probably like ninth or 10th grade, they had a ropes course at my high school and it was all right, chiquita, just get up there, I can hold you.

01:07:05.851 --> 01:07:07.054
And it was this little old woman.

01:07:07.054 --> 01:07:10.239
I said ma'am, this is a brick house you looking at.

01:07:10.239 --> 01:07:12.009
All right, I'm not.

01:07:12.009 --> 01:07:16.989
No, you can't hold me and I'm not going to trust you to do it.

01:07:16.989 --> 01:07:20.077
And lo and behold, another guy got up there.

01:07:20.077 --> 01:07:24.048
Big old linebacker got up there and she held him, but she struggled.

01:07:24.048 --> 01:07:26.791
Sure, I want't want no struggle to hold.

01:07:26.791 --> 01:07:29.574
I like to feel the ground I'm walking on.

01:07:29.574 --> 01:07:33.757
I like to stomp it a little bit, like, yeah, that's good ground, I can walk on that ground, right.

01:07:33.757 --> 01:07:38.202
I don't like I don't want to be suspended in the air, right.

01:07:46.605 --> 01:07:50.088
But a lot of times in your walk with God, god is saying you can't walk to where I'm getting you, you're going to have to let me carry you and we.

01:07:50.108 --> 01:07:53.032
But when the Lord has, you know that the Lord told me recently.

01:07:53.092 --> 01:07:55.356
He said, jaquita, I've ordered your steps.

01:07:55.356 --> 01:08:02.193
And you know, sometimes we'd be repeating scripture to ourselves and feeling so good about it, like, oh, the Lord has ordered my steps.

01:08:02.193 --> 01:08:04.351
Well, baby, you don't know what those steps look like.

01:08:04.351 --> 01:08:13.248
These ain't baby steps, right?

01:08:13.248 --> 01:08:16.036
The Lord has not ordered for you to inch your way to a promise.

01:08:16.036 --> 01:08:16.778
The Lord has ordered for you to leap.

01:08:16.778 --> 01:08:18.201
The Lord has ordered for you to soar.

01:08:18.201 --> 01:08:19.545
The Lord has ordered for you to walk on water.

01:08:19.545 --> 01:08:23.851
You don't know where your steps will take you or what it will require of you.

01:08:23.851 --> 01:08:29.649
All you know and all you can depend on is the one who gave you the command to come.

01:08:29.649 --> 01:08:33.238
And when we talk about building character.

01:08:33.238 --> 01:08:36.908
You ought to be focusing on building trust.

01:08:36.908 --> 01:08:54.686
Focus on building your being grounded in who God is and in what he's promised and what his word says, so that when you find yourself out there on the water and all you got is a word, you can hold on to that thing until you get to the place that God has called you to.

01:08:57.751 --> 01:09:04.378
So, speaking of movies, can we talk about the movie we just last saw?

01:09:04.899 --> 01:09:36.256
My Lord we got to, because I think this is, I think this is our last, uh, this is kind of the last thing we're going to talk through, but and I will come up with a point, cause, see, I had a point, but see, they didn't like my point, so we, I don't want to say it if you haven't seen it, and you need to pause it and not listen to this part of the podcast until you do feel free to do that.

01:09:36.256 --> 01:09:38.448
That is your decision, but we are not going to hold back.

01:09:38.750 --> 01:09:50.948
so, um, uh, inside out, two inside my lord inside out two excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent film, um, all kinds of stuff, and I see beautiful film.

01:09:50.948 --> 01:10:03.431
It is uh, this is a great film that depicts the probably the most uncomfortable that we have that people have ever been, and that is during the puberty.

01:10:03.431 --> 01:10:14.069
Right, the puberty is a very uncomfortable, unsafe feeling moment, like like you don't know what's going on.

01:10:14.069 --> 01:10:17.037
Everything feels like it's out of your control.

01:10:17.037 --> 01:10:19.309
Your hormones are going crazy.

01:10:19.309 --> 01:10:21.333
You're learning new things about yourself.

01:10:21.333 --> 01:10:25.587
Your perspective is changing, you're seeing things differently, you're hearing things differently.

01:10:25.587 --> 01:10:28.930
All of a sudden your mind starts working differently.

01:10:28.930 --> 01:10:30.273
You're asking yourself all these questions.

01:10:30.273 --> 01:10:34.837
And I work with teenagers who are going through puberty.

01:10:34.837 --> 01:10:37.699
God bless it.

01:10:37.699 --> 01:10:43.787
It is a tough time, but we all go through it, every single human, every single human.

01:10:43.787 --> 01:10:48.113
You know you get to the age of 13, 14, you know what we're talking about.

01:10:48.113 --> 01:10:52.305
So this whole movie is about young Riley going through puberty, my Lord.

01:10:52.345 --> 01:10:59.878
And this, the kind of core of the film, is on these two different emotions.

01:10:59.878 --> 01:11:12.096
Right, joy, which is the emotion that in the first one, if you hadn't seen it is the one that was like Primary, primary and everyone watched it.

01:11:12.096 --> 01:11:16.265
Ed Hodge was like.

01:11:16.265 --> 01:11:17.347
Our whole goal is to keep Riley happy and joy.

01:11:17.347 --> 01:11:27.895
The first one they were trying to prevent sadness, which we then learned, is important because, you know, feeling sad is what makes the joyous moments more meaningful.

01:11:27.895 --> 01:11:28.818
We have to have that.

01:11:28.818 --> 01:11:34.045
In this one, it is anxiety that's introduced.

01:11:34.045 --> 01:11:36.594
There's a few other emotions introduced.

01:11:36.594 --> 01:11:44.712
Anxiety was the prominent new emotion and there's a quote.

01:11:44.712 --> 01:11:50.064
I'm just going to say the quote, okay, because I think this is during the movie.

01:11:50.064 --> 01:11:51.887
I wrote this quote down.

01:11:51.887 --> 01:11:58.784
I was just, I was so such a incredible quote to me and it kind of gave me chills.

01:11:59.565 --> 01:12:22.697
But there's this moment where, you know, joy, um in in, and the older emotions from young Riley are trying to find their way back to her center because they've gotten lost and anxiety has taken over Riley's mind and Joy, for the first time, gets frustrated.

01:12:22.697 --> 01:12:28.057
This is the first time we see Joy not be joyous and it's kind of weird, right?

01:12:28.057 --> 01:12:36.016
Yes, she was not upbeat, she wasn't upbeat, she was frustrated, she was upset and almost to tears.

01:12:36.016 --> 01:12:37.905
And she makes the statement.

01:12:37.905 --> 01:12:43.557
She says maybe this is what happens when you grow up you have less joy.

01:12:43.557 --> 01:12:52.065
Grow up, you have less joy.

01:12:52.065 --> 01:12:52.326
That's just.

01:12:52.326 --> 01:12:53.247
My whole soul just sank in that moment.

01:12:53.247 --> 01:12:53.868
I was like, oh my gosh Like.

01:12:53.889 --> 01:12:54.930
But I think that's so true.

01:12:54.930 --> 01:13:02.109
I think that that's such a real feeling that adults have, like when you, when you start to get older.

01:13:02.109 --> 01:13:21.837
It's almost like you accept having less joy in your life Because these other emotions start to take over, and again in this it's anxiety, it's embarrassment, it's envy, it's, you know, it's all these other things that are what's the other one?

01:13:21.837 --> 01:13:28.652
Boredom, boredom, yeah that are introduced and joy becomes less significant.

01:13:28.652 --> 01:13:42.831
And so, and that feeling of discomfort a lot of times, I think, when we become uncomfortable, it introduces new feelings that now we have to figure out.

01:13:42.831 --> 01:13:51.729
But in doing that, what we have to unlearn is that joy is not an emotion that you don't get to have.

01:13:52.289 --> 01:13:52.569
Yeah.

01:13:53.076 --> 01:14:21.698
Even when you're uncomfortable, joy is still present, can still be present when you're uncomfortable, and I would argue that it's vital that you keep joy in moments of discomfort and so, but it's a lot of times the first thing to go yeah, you know, a lot of times the first thing to go, yeah, you know, yeah, no, I think it was the.

01:14:21.719 --> 01:14:23.322
The interesting part to me was how anxiety came.

01:14:23.322 --> 01:14:30.542
You know, joy was running the show Right, but when the you know, when the light started blaring, they bought in a new board and everything.

01:14:30.542 --> 01:14:42.998
Joy, anxiety, came in and literally set up shop Right, like, anxiety planned and absolutely executed a takeover, like, and.

01:14:42.998 --> 01:15:03.988
So when you think about, like you know, and it started off as small, it started off as oh well, let me try this, oh well, we need to do that, and oh and then anxiety started saying I know better than you, joy, right, I know more, you know, you think you know what riley needs, but this is a new, this is a new version of her.

01:15:03.988 --> 01:15:09.060
I know that I'm protecting her that was the whole acting her.

01:15:09.199 --> 01:15:20.005
I am here to protect riley, to keep to make sure that we uh we, we're aware of all the possibilities and we're aware of all the possibilities and we're prepared for all the possibilities of what could go wrong.

01:15:20.005 --> 01:15:21.841
This is a protective measure.

01:15:21.841 --> 01:15:23.739
So, joy, let me protect her.

01:15:25.204 --> 01:15:25.525
Go ahead.

01:15:25.525 --> 01:15:27.581
No, no, no, no, no.

01:15:27.581 --> 01:15:43.921
And so it's almost like we get the sense of like that we don't need joy, because joy, the fear is not having joy, the fear is losing joy and never getting it again.

01:15:43.921 --> 01:15:46.568
And so you begin to feel safer without it.

01:15:46.568 --> 01:15:52.470
Yeah, because tasting like getting it and losing it hurts so much.

01:15:52.470 --> 01:16:06.805
Right, even in the movie, as you start watching Riley, like she's like pushing away from her friends, she's trying to figure out who she is, you know when, because you know eventually, not to tell the whole movie, but Joy got, you know, they kind of kicked Joy out.

01:16:06.805 --> 01:16:08.617
Anxiety kicked Joy out.

01:16:08.617 --> 01:16:14.847
Yeah, anxiety had them launched out, like you know, and put her feelings in disarray.

01:16:14.847 --> 01:16:32.421
But her Raleigh trying to navigate a world without joy, where an anxiety becomes immediately self inwardly, like reflective, like I got to protect me, I got to focus on me, I got to think about me, I got to set me up for success.

01:16:32.421 --> 01:16:33.122
I got to not.

01:16:33.122 --> 01:16:44.766
And it is a space where you become so consumed that like joy, the big moment that everybody's talking about.

01:16:45.087 --> 01:16:47.975
I've seen your TikToks All right, they're pretty funny.

01:16:47.975 --> 01:16:48.636
All right.

01:16:48.636 --> 01:16:50.599
I've seen the Instagram reels.

01:16:50.599 --> 01:17:01.997
I've seen y'all shouting on the word when joy came in, joy came back, came back and she never left and she and anxiety was in a tizzy.

01:17:02.840 --> 01:17:17.627
Anxiety was swirling around and nobody else knew what to do, but joy fought her way through the storm right, fought her way through through the storm that anxiety had produced and said anxiety.

01:17:17.627 --> 01:17:43.389
You have to let her go Right and I think that that's such a powerful moment that so many people have picked up on, because you have to learn to release the idea that you can protect yourself or release the idea that you can create and produce a future that looks like something to you, and you have to just accept, like Riley did at the end where she welcomed joy.

01:17:43.389 --> 01:17:52.710
You have to get from the point of feeling like you need to protect yourself to feeling like I am welcoming joy back into my life.

01:17:52.710 --> 01:17:56.319
And, yeah, I think that.

01:17:56.319 --> 01:17:58.304
I think that we have to unlearn that.

01:17:58.304 --> 01:18:04.627
We have to unlearn that joy is fleeting and we have to learn how to create joy even when it feels like it's not there.

01:18:05.655 --> 01:18:21.359
And I also think we have to unlearn that anxiety is safety, because that whole protective measure is about feeling this like I it was, and I think I what I love about the way that they, they kind of frame the character.

01:18:21.359 --> 01:18:26.795
It wasn't like anxiety was evil, it wasn't like she was.

01:18:26.795 --> 01:18:33.204
She was in a uh, a state of like I'm trying to hurt, like I want to destroy her.

01:18:33.204 --> 01:18:34.667
It really was a.

01:18:34.667 --> 01:18:39.579
I genuinely think I'm helping it got out of control.

01:18:40.261 --> 01:19:36.085
And so this, this, this idea that anxiety is my way to feel safe, when I, when I, when I allow anxiety to take over and when I'm out, I would say like this when I am in a state where I'm trying to predict and prepare, predict, and prepare all the time it makes me feel safer, but then it gets out of control and that's where oftentimes and I'm making this statement, I'm not a clinician, I don't I'm not a psychologist, but I'm saying this based on what I've experienced and seen some in other people that leads to it leads to a feeling of depression, because when you start to predict, prepare and, like you said, it's just an internal, now all you're, all you're thinking about is what can go wrong, and so there is no there about is what can go wrong, and so there is no there.

01:19:36.185 --> 01:19:45.676
There isn't a space for possible, like positive possibility.

01:19:45.676 --> 01:19:47.537
What I'm doing is predicting and preparing for what could go wrong.

01:19:47.537 --> 01:20:04.648
So joy does get lost in the mix of that, and so when I, when I live in that reality for too long, then it it becomes, it begins to put me in a depressive state, to your point, joy does feel like it's fleeting at that point, like where am I?

01:20:04.648 --> 01:20:09.926
How am I ever going to get back to a place of joy, and so anxiety feels safe.

01:20:12.114 --> 01:20:37.149
That's crazy, because anxiety, you know that is such a contrary statement, because I feel like anxiety is the thing that we've been fighting, especially since the pandemic Right Like people like you know, I work on a college campus and so, like people are constantly saying, like, how do we help students navigate anxiety?

01:20:37.149 --> 01:20:37.630
How do we?

01:20:37.630 --> 01:20:56.221
But it is the safety net that we built because we felt like we didn't know what was going to happen, we didn't know what life was going to look like, and so we allowed anxiety to set up shop and it did make us feel safer.

01:20:56.221 --> 01:21:02.301
It did, you know, and I also think it made us feel safer because, again, it is.

01:21:02.301 --> 01:21:05.168
Anxiety is about protecting you.

01:21:05.168 --> 01:21:09.837
Yes, it is not necessarily are protecting your interests.

01:21:10.118 --> 01:21:10.359
Yes.

01:21:11.640 --> 01:21:17.448
Um, and so I think that you have to break out of that space where you become.

01:21:17.448 --> 01:21:18.411
Anytime you get.

01:21:18.411 --> 01:21:29.916
I can honestly tell you and this is this is, as, as you know, reflective, as I've been from 25 to 35 plus Amen.

01:21:29.916 --> 01:21:37.788
The thing that I had to learn was that it was not my job to protect me.

01:21:37.788 --> 01:21:39.681
That's good, that's absolutely right.

01:21:39.681 --> 01:21:50.515
I had to unlearn that because I was intent on making sure that I was going to be okay.

01:21:51.074 --> 01:21:56.914
And so you go into new environments and you go into new opportunities and you're focused on yourself.

01:21:56.914 --> 01:22:04.596
But until you are able to focus on service, you will not graduate to that next level that you're hoping for.

01:22:04.596 --> 01:22:12.779
You're hoping for more money, you're hoping for more impact and more opportunities, but you are still focused on you.

01:22:12.779 --> 01:22:41.470
And until you allow yourself to believe that I can be more than what I've put inside of this fence, I can be more than what I've limited myself to, right, and allow yourself to loose the chains, to think that if I do something new or go somewhere new, I won't be safe, right, it was when I allowed myself to say, okay, god's got me and I can go do this new thing because he's going to make sure I'm OK.

01:22:41.470 --> 01:22:49.949
Yeah, and when you trust that, I think that you begin to move into into greater areas of your life.

01:22:51.636 --> 01:22:55.833
Well amen Chiquita, this was good.

01:22:55.854 --> 01:22:59.090
Well amen Chiquita, this was good and I think we're done.

01:22:59.090 --> 01:23:28.188
It was a fantastic time, a fantastic time of vulnerability, and talking about all the times that I have felt unsafe Absolutely, and so many more, I think it's good for everybody to reflect, like how we started off with that list, like, think about the things in your life that make you unsafe and then you know, hopefully we've said something that can give you an answer of how to navigate it.

01:23:28.994 --> 01:23:31.078
Yes, yeah, and be real about it.

01:23:31.078 --> 01:23:44.238
And, um, and yeah, so I, I, I do, I hope that there's something that you could take away to you know, put you in a state of reflection, right, there's a lot of this, like.

01:23:44.238 --> 01:24:25.319
It's just a matter of like it's first reflecting and being honest and then, you know, really say, okay, what is the step I need to take in order to decide that I'm going to not be afraid of discomfort, but I'm going to use it to get to the next level, knowing that it it's going to when discomfort presents itself, you are likely in a growing state and it like, don't stop and stunt your growth, okay, like you, you're, you're moving, and that's a good thing, and so, when you come to these points, it's a good thing, um, and seeing it like that.

01:24:25.319 --> 01:24:37.695
So we hope that what we've talked about maybe can help help with that, and we also hope that, um, you know, if you think that this could help somebody else, what are we going to have them do, queda?

01:24:37.695 --> 01:24:38.859
What are we going to have them do?

01:24:38.939 --> 01:24:42.046
First, like it on whatever platform you're looking at.

01:24:42.494 --> 01:24:45.521
Like it so that other people can find it right.

01:24:45.882 --> 01:24:52.065
We really want to make sure that the message is spreading and that everybody is getting access to the material that we're putting.

01:24:52.065 --> 01:24:58.027
So, whatever, like love, we want you to make sure that you are interacting with us.

01:24:58.027 --> 01:25:14.186
So we want you to like, we want you to share with a friend, right, share with, if you have a young mentee, if you are a middle adult like ourselves, or an older adult, we want you to share it with someone that you know it can help to really motivate and transform their lives, right.

01:25:14.186 --> 01:25:23.984
And then, of course, we want you to subscribe in whatever way will help you to be notified of when we're putting out new content, which we do this segment every Tuesday.

01:25:23.984 --> 01:25:30.501
Right, we want you guys to, to, to interact and engage with us as much as possible because we love y'all.

01:25:30.501 --> 01:25:32.404
We do this for y'all.

01:25:32.404 --> 01:25:46.429
You know we do this because we we love you all and we we we're really hoping that what we've done, what we've learned, can be of some benefit to your lives oh, yes, yes, yes, that is what we hope.

01:25:47.036 --> 01:25:50.000
So all right, folks, we're out of here.

01:25:50.000 --> 01:25:52.304
It's late, we gotta go um.

01:25:52.304 --> 01:25:53.765
Quita has a dog now, so she has to go.

01:25:53.765 --> 01:25:55.809
Queda has a dog now, so she has to go.

01:25:55.809 --> 01:26:00.862
Take care of that and pray my strength in the Lord saints.

01:26:01.643 --> 01:26:03.988
Yes, pray, my strength in the Lord Amen.

01:26:08.515 --> 01:26:11.114
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:26:11.114 --> 01:26:15.538
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:26:15.538 --> 01:26:17.701
I'd love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:26:17.701 --> 01:26:22.305
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:26:22.305 --> 01:26:28.650
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:26:28.650 --> 01:26:29.572
See you then.