April 1, 2025

Unlearning Parenting: The Elder Millennial Perspective

Unlearning Parenting: The Elder Millennial Perspective
Apple Podcasts podcast player badge
Spotify podcast player badge
Castro podcast player badge
RSS Feed podcast player badge
Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon Castro podcast player icon RSS Feed podcast player icon

Send us a text

Erica Ramsey joins RA to discuss the profound transition from career-focused independence to motherhood and how she's navigating this unexpected journey while maintaining her identity and business.

• Success in business doesn't automatically translate to feeling prepared for parenthood
• Becoming a mother in the first year of marriage required a complete mental shift
• The "glass balls vs. rubber balls" approach to prioritizing family and work
• Counterbalance rather than balance is a more realistic framework for working mothers
• Grace is essential both for yourself and your spouse as you navigate new roles
• Children need more spiritual grounding today than previous generations
• Being intentional about what you're imparting to your children when starting a family later in life
• Understanding your child's unique personality rather than imposing your preferences
• Healing from past experiences is crucial before entering marriage and parenthood
• You can change and grow beyond who you've been in the past

If you found this conversation helpful or eye-opening, please share it with someone who might benefit and subscribe to the Unlearned Podcast as we continue to gain the courage to change our minds and experience more freedom.


00:00 - Introduction to Erica Ramsey

05:48 - Career Transitions and Family Life

17:44 - Adjusting to Unexpected Motherhood

26:09 - Finding Balance Between Work and Family

35:40 - Giving Yourself Grace as a Parent

42:28 - Finding Identity Beyond Achievement

55:10 - Parenting as Older Parents

01:06:29 - Unlearning to Better Connect with Others

01:17:47 - Change is Possible: Closing Thoughts

WEBVTT

00:00:05.286 --> 00:00:10.493
hello everybody, and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.

00:00:10.493 --> 00:00:21.184
I'm your host, ruth abigail aka ra, and this is the podcast that's helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom.

00:00:21.184 --> 00:00:27.577
And I'm here with a very special guest, miss Erica Ramsey.

00:00:27.876 --> 00:00:32.386
Okay, hello, because, because it used to be Johnson.

00:00:32.386 --> 00:00:36.942
It used to be for a long time, yes, for a very long time, and it is no longer are we wait?

00:00:36.963 --> 00:00:37.985
are we doing the double thing?

00:00:37.985 --> 00:00:38.828
Are we doing, erica?

00:00:38.828 --> 00:00:39.930
What are we doing?

00:00:41.402 --> 00:00:46.652
some things I can't say publicly, but what we are doing is just know is ramsey.

00:00:46.652 --> 00:00:54.604
But if you see johnson just know somewhere it ain't quite ramsey but it's going to be ramsey amen, I understood one thing.

00:00:54.645 --> 00:00:55.146
I refuse.

00:00:55.146 --> 00:00:56.351
I was like one thing I'm not doing.

00:00:56.351 --> 00:01:01.087
I'm not changing my gmail, which is smith, and I'm not doing that because too many things connected to it.

00:01:01.087 --> 00:01:02.109
So it'd be fine.

00:01:02.109 --> 00:01:05.862
But like you know, new stuff will have new name it's gonna have new name.

00:01:05.882 --> 00:01:08.013
Yeah, I'm saying okay, old stuff might.

00:01:08.033 --> 00:01:10.924
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, we don't, we don't, it's just, that's a lot, that's a lot.

00:01:10.924 --> 00:01:16.487
That's what it is, yeah amen, okay, good all right so erica ramsey, uh, welcome to the podcast, my friend.

00:01:16.507 --> 00:01:18.093
Thank you, glad to be here.

00:01:18.093 --> 00:01:19.518
Yes exciting.

00:01:19.597 --> 00:01:20.902
It's very exciting um.

00:01:20.902 --> 00:01:29.028
So we're in this series, as you all know, unlearning parenting and this is a really, really fun uh conversation.

00:01:29.028 --> 00:01:38.843
We're gonna have different uh people on here, different different conversations and so far we have had a couple um, and so if you haven't, if you haven't had those already, check those out.

00:01:38.843 --> 00:01:42.271
They're already on um on the platforms.

00:01:42.271 --> 00:01:44.501
But this particular one I'm very excited about first.

00:01:44.501 --> 00:01:46.649
First of all, me and Erica have known each other for a very long time.

00:01:46.688 --> 00:01:49.778
Very very, very long time, very long time, yes, very long time.

00:01:49.799 --> 00:01:52.048
Yes, we have much history, let's see.

00:01:52.048 --> 00:01:53.506
We met in 2000.

00:01:54.739 --> 00:01:55.921
She's going to do it, isn't she?

00:01:55.921 --> 00:01:56.962
Yeah, she's going to do it.

00:01:57.123 --> 00:01:59.646
Yeah, we met in 2005,.

00:02:00.046 --> 00:02:00.287
Right.

00:02:00.466 --> 00:02:02.209
Because why was I about to say 10?

00:02:02.209 --> 00:02:04.531
No, 2005.

00:02:04.552 --> 00:02:05.694
Yeah, 2005.

00:02:05.694 --> 00:02:05.933
Yeah.

00:02:05.953 --> 00:02:07.034
Something like that.

00:02:07.094 --> 00:02:07.876
Everybody can count.

00:02:07.876 --> 00:02:08.963
We don't need to add the years.

00:02:08.985 --> 00:02:12.027
No, we don't, we just know 2005.

00:02:12.027 --> 00:02:16.247
So it's been a while, and so we went to college together.

00:02:16.849 --> 00:02:17.311
That's right.

00:02:18.300 --> 00:02:20.889
And Erica's, older than me, so that you know she graduated.

00:02:20.889 --> 00:02:29.479
Here she go Now.

00:02:29.479 --> 00:02:30.615
See, we was on the straight and narrow route and here you just took.

00:02:30.615 --> 00:02:31.289
You had to take that left, I did.

00:02:31.289 --> 00:02:31.531
You took a left, I did.

00:02:31.531 --> 00:02:31.691
That's all right.

00:02:31.691 --> 00:02:32.237
Yes, I am Not by much, though?

00:02:32.237 --> 00:02:33.099
No, not at all Not by much at all, although you could.

00:02:33.099 --> 00:02:33.347
You know there are.

00:02:33.347 --> 00:02:34.493
There were moments where she didn't know that.

00:02:34.913 --> 00:02:41.917
Um and see, see, see, see, uh Joy, how much editing we doing on this right here.

00:02:43.056 --> 00:02:43.736
I love it y'all.

00:02:43.736 --> 00:02:44.557
This is going to be good.

00:02:44.557 --> 00:02:45.518
I'm so excited.

00:02:45.518 --> 00:02:47.699
Oh, this is going to be fun.

00:02:47.699 --> 00:02:51.729
So we've known each other for a long time.

00:02:51.729 --> 00:02:54.397
And, Erica, why don't you just update?

00:02:54.397 --> 00:03:00.000
I just want to share a little bit about yourself with the people and update them on the newest parts of your life.

00:03:00.822 --> 00:03:03.985
Yeah, sure, so I don't necessarily know.

00:03:03.985 --> 00:03:06.509
The people know the oldest parts of my life, so everything's probably new.

00:03:06.509 --> 00:03:10.014
That's fair, fair point oh you're sleeping on me.

00:03:12.405 --> 00:03:14.831
But yeah, so I'm Erica Ramsey.

00:03:14.831 --> 00:03:20.252
I own a company called Leap Branding and PR.

00:03:20.252 --> 00:03:24.000
We do strategic marketing for many different corporations.

00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:25.600
We started in the entertainment industry.

00:03:25.600 --> 00:03:40.013
We moved into the legal field representing lawyers not representing lawyers, but doing marketing and branding for lawyers and now we work with hospital systems doing strategic marketing and helping them to set up their B2B organizations.

00:03:40.013 --> 00:03:41.794
So we do that.

00:03:41.794 --> 00:03:46.397
We actually have formed entities for them from beginning to end.

00:03:46.397 --> 00:03:49.544
We do naming, we do all that kind of stuff.

00:03:49.544 --> 00:03:49.806
Wow.

00:03:49.806 --> 00:03:51.486
We do all of the market research.

00:03:51.486 --> 00:03:54.568
We even do the financial projections.

00:03:54.568 --> 00:03:56.006
We set up the service lines.

00:03:56.006 --> 00:03:57.145
We do a lot.

00:03:57.145 --> 00:03:58.765
So it's a fun thing.

00:03:58.765 --> 00:04:09.207
And outside of that, which is very time consuming, I also am married to a wonderful, wonderful man, ricky, and we have a beautiful son, micah Yay.

00:04:09.769 --> 00:04:11.853
Hey Ricky, and hey Micah for future.

00:04:11.853 --> 00:04:17.071
So how long have you been married and how long have you been a mother?

00:04:18.199 --> 00:04:19.543
I've been married for two years.

00:04:19.543 --> 00:04:20.004
Now.

00:04:20.004 --> 00:04:22.091
We're in our second year and I have been.

00:04:22.091 --> 00:04:27.148
Well, we're in our second year, I should say, and I have been a mother for five months.

00:04:27.168 --> 00:04:31.841
He'll be six months next week, so six months, okay, so this is where it gets good.

00:04:31.841 --> 00:04:35.769
So you became a wife and a mother very, very, very quickly.

00:04:35.949 --> 00:04:41.925
Oh, my gosh, yes, so so first of all gosh.

00:04:41.925 --> 00:04:43.067
This is so public right.

00:04:43.088 --> 00:04:44.110
So what do you say, what do you not say?

00:04:44.129 --> 00:04:45.091
But uh, but uh, this is so public right.

00:04:45.091 --> 00:04:45.934
So what do you say?

00:04:45.934 --> 00:04:46.595
What do you not say?

00:04:46.595 --> 00:04:47.396
But, but it's just me.

00:04:47.416 --> 00:04:48.379
You don't worry about it, it's just me.

00:04:48.379 --> 00:04:50.005
It's just me, yeah, sure, sure, sure.

00:04:50.319 --> 00:05:08.454
So so we, yeah, so we got married and it's this really big, exciting thing and both of us love to travel and we had all these plans for traveling and we had decided we were going to take up skiing and all these winter sports, because you know, we like water sports but not on the water, so it's like winter sports.

00:05:08.555 --> 00:05:08.815
Sure.

00:05:08.836 --> 00:05:10.117
Another form of water.

00:05:10.377 --> 00:05:12.120
Interesting, so we're like, OK yeah it's really interesting.

00:05:12.939 --> 00:05:25.567
So we had planned this whole trip to Aspen, all these different things we were going to be doing for our anniversary actually that year, and a couple months later, you know, we realized no one was going skiing on the anniversary.

00:05:25.567 --> 00:05:32.531
We were actually going to be near a hospital or fresh out, and so that's what happened.

00:05:32.531 --> 00:05:42.637
It was very quick, but you know what, sometimes it's the best way to do it right, because if we had to plan for it with both of our schedules?

00:05:42.637 --> 00:05:44.197
My husband's a major in the Army.

00:05:44.197 --> 00:05:50.932
He's finishing up his last year before he retires after 20 years in, and both of us are extremely busy.

00:05:50.932 --> 00:05:53.324
We are in two locations A lot of times.

00:05:53.324 --> 00:05:53.985
We have two homes.

00:05:53.985 --> 00:06:07.591
We're back and forth near base and then back in our home base, and so it's yeah, we would have not planned to have one, and what an unfortunate thing, because who knows if the next one would have been Micah, it might've been something else.

00:06:07.591 --> 00:06:08.432
So we're grateful.

00:06:08.841 --> 00:06:09.927
I love that perspective.

00:06:09.927 --> 00:06:13.029
You said it's very possible that you wouldn't have.

00:06:13.029 --> 00:06:15.608
I mean, when do you find the right time to have a kid?

00:06:18.266 --> 00:06:19.850
I have heard a lot of people say they plan.

00:06:19.850 --> 00:06:23.161
Then I've heard a lot of people say, even like, you can't plan for it.

00:06:23.161 --> 00:06:31.071
So you know, I know couples that go into it and like, ok, we're going to do this, and then we're going to do this, and then we're going to plan we're going to have a kid at this time and it's going to work like this.

00:06:31.071 --> 00:06:35.175
And even when you plan like that, there's so many things you still are not going to be able to plan for.

00:06:35.175 --> 00:06:38.762
So it's so much that happens in life.

00:06:38.762 --> 00:06:39.723
It's just like at some.

00:06:39.723 --> 00:06:46.514
I mean, I equate it to I was so busy working at a point in my life that I really missed the sunlight.

00:06:46.514 --> 00:06:48.264
You know I was up until night.

00:06:48.665 --> 00:06:49.930
Oh, yes, I remember, yes.

00:06:50.620 --> 00:07:00.309
Yeah, I was sleeping like three, four hours a night, and so I just never was in the visible sun, so I was always working so, and so you want to take a break, right?

00:07:00.309 --> 00:07:01.826
You know I got this project coming up.

00:07:01.826 --> 00:07:08.918
I go, oh, we got to onboard this client, oh, we got this, you know coming up, kind of thing, and you never take, it's never going to be a right time.

00:07:08.997 --> 00:07:24.689
You have to choose a time, like commit to a time, basically yeah, I think you're right and I, um, I find myself in that same mind frame, so you know so, because my son came differently, he came with the, with the man.

00:07:25.151 --> 00:07:35.237
Um, and so still quickly, very quickly, day one, day one Um and so, uh, we so it.

00:07:35.379 --> 00:07:42.261
but we, you know, we, we talk about having more children and it's like in my head it's like and when and how right?

00:07:42.261 --> 00:07:45.992
I mean it's, it's real like, it's a real thing, it's a real conversation.

00:07:45.992 --> 00:08:01.704
You are very both of us are very passionate about the work we do, right, and I want to talk a little bit for a minute just to because, like a lot of women, I mean, again, we won't talk about the exact number of years.

00:08:01.704 --> 00:08:05.132
But you know, we, we were obviously met in 2005.

00:08:05.762 --> 00:08:09.230
So you can figure this out at college, right?

00:08:09.230 --> 00:08:11.216
So we are not, you know.

00:08:11.877 --> 00:08:14.463
let's just say we're not close to college age anymore.

00:08:14.725 --> 00:08:17.610
Okay, my doctor says I'm a few years past 19.

00:08:17.610 --> 00:08:18.273
I go with that.

00:08:19.279 --> 00:08:21.264
Excellent, that means I'm just under that Perfect.

00:08:21.264 --> 00:08:49.184
Okay, great, so so just a few years past 19 so yeah we are um, a lot of women are starting to start families around the age we are now like that's becoming a trend right right, and I think one of the unique things about that is we have been single for the majority of our life, so like without anything connected to us, right, um, and so we've been moving in that, in that rhythm, in that way.

00:08:49.767 --> 00:08:54.863
And then all of a sudden boom, you know, husband, child, like Whoa.

00:08:54.863 --> 00:08:59.091
Okay, I want to talk a little bit about the before and after.

00:08:59.091 --> 00:09:00.802
Like how do you make that adjustment?

00:09:00.802 --> 00:09:03.187
And like, how are you making that adjustment?

00:09:03.187 --> 00:09:11.913
And what was your life rhythm, more so before family and now after family?

00:09:12.615 --> 00:09:14.177
Yeah, that's really interesting.

00:09:14.177 --> 00:09:20.282
I'm probably going to answer these questions, maybe out of order, but hopefully I'll touch on all of them eventually.

00:09:20.282 --> 00:09:21.283
Sure, it won't be long.

00:09:21.283 --> 00:09:22.447
I don't even remember what I asked you.

00:09:22.447 --> 00:09:23.570
It won't be long, no go ahead.

00:09:23.750 --> 00:09:25.133
Oh my gosh, yes, this is how.

00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:32.668
So I think you know I'm obviously a woman of faith and so you pray over something for so long, right?

00:09:32.668 --> 00:09:40.649
So I for me, specifically in my life, I was very structured a little, you know, just structured in how I wanted things done.

00:09:40.649 --> 00:09:50.293
I was very disciplined and I did not want to have a child, if at all possible, before I was in a marriage because I, honestly, was not home enough.

00:09:50.293 --> 00:10:02.388
I knew that it was a great responsibility and I just didn't want I don't want to say it like this, but in my single years I felt like that would be more of a burden than a blessing because it would just be a lot of work.

00:10:02.388 --> 00:10:11.909
And I have seen so many women manage it, carry it, master it, excel at it and just are amazing at being single moms.

00:10:11.909 --> 00:10:16.863
I just didn't feel I was on their level.

00:10:16.863 --> 00:10:18.384
I can't do it like that.

00:10:18.644 --> 00:10:22.710
It looked tough to me, so I didn't particularly want that.

00:10:22.710 --> 00:10:30.083
So I always prayed for a spouse, a God-fearing, wonderful kingdom husband.

00:10:30.083 --> 00:10:39.721
And so when God allowed Ricky and I to meet, and, just you know, we entered each other's lives, it was really interesting because it was like, wow, this is great.

00:10:39.721 --> 00:10:45.033
And the windows are open, and the doors are open and just, oh, we're going to do this, we're going to do that.

00:10:45.033 --> 00:10:46.966
Just the sky's the limit.

00:10:46.966 --> 00:10:52.903
And you know, even though you're later in life, right and not late, in life just later, yeah, just later.

00:10:52.962 --> 00:10:56.467
And so, even though you're later in life, you're like I can do it now, like, yeah, let's do it, let's do it.

00:10:56.467 --> 00:11:07.745
All this stuff I'm waiting to do a balloon deflating.

00:11:07.745 --> 00:11:11.754
It's like it took me and everybody's process is different when they find out that they're pregnant.

00:11:11.754 --> 00:11:29.024
But it took me four months to process it Because I had so many plans for marriage that I had literally not planned for pregnancy or for having a child, literally not plan for pregnancy or for having a child.

00:11:29.024 --> 00:11:45.192
I only prepare for marriage and understanding that one can come with the other, but it doesn't always come with the other, right, because I know so many people that have struggled within marriage and even some outside of marriage who have struggled to have children, and so for me it wasn't an expectation like, oh, back in the day.

00:11:45.192 --> 00:11:46.455
It was like, oh, you get married, you have kids.

00:11:46.455 --> 00:11:48.265
We've lived a little longer now.

00:11:48.440 --> 00:11:50.427
We've seen that that doesn't always happen like that.

00:11:50.427 --> 00:11:56.874
So I did not have that belief that, oh, we're married and, boom, going to have a kid.

00:11:56.874 --> 00:11:58.385
That is our reality.

00:11:58.385 --> 00:12:00.386
However, that wasn't previously my belief.

00:12:00.386 --> 00:12:11.980
It is now my beliefs.

00:12:11.980 --> 00:12:12.240
It is now so.

00:12:12.260 --> 00:12:16.989
I think that, in saying that, it took me a minute right to really understand how my life was going to be different.

00:12:16.989 --> 00:12:38.908
So one of the amazing things that happened and someone just brought this to my attention the other day is that I winded up having it wasn't amazing at the time, but I wound up having to decrease my workload immediately, because during the first trimester, they want you to rest, and obviously I was getting four or five hours of sleep each night, but never eight.

00:12:38.908 --> 00:12:41.796
What is eight hours?

00:12:41.796 --> 00:12:42.697
Who does that?

00:12:42.697 --> 00:12:43.761
People who do that?

00:12:43.761 --> 00:12:44.283
I don't know.

00:12:44.283 --> 00:12:45.710
I don't know how you do it.

00:12:45.710 --> 00:12:56.153
So I was never getting eight hours of sleep, and so you have to for the sensitivity of that time of pregnancy, me being later in years, having my first child.

00:12:56.153 --> 00:13:14.543
And so I went through that process and I had to decrease my workload, which was the first thing, and then it just started to become a spiral right, or an unraveling, or an unlearning for this podcast of what my life used to be and what it used to look like.

00:13:15.124 --> 00:13:24.673
There, never to me and Ricky and I have a really wonderful relationship, but there, never to me was a threat of my life being significantly different because I was married.

00:13:24.673 --> 00:13:30.212
Me was a threat of my life being significantly different because I was married, because he and I are so similar, we're so similar that it's easy and I say we're different enough.

00:13:30.212 --> 00:13:33.049
Someone told me this about their husband and it was just fit us.

00:13:33.049 --> 00:13:33.994
I was like that's so perfect.

00:13:34.355 --> 00:13:37.630
We're similar enough that it's easy, but we're different enough that it's fun.

00:13:37.630 --> 00:13:39.259
So we got a few differences.

00:13:39.259 --> 00:13:42.280
That makes it fun, but we're so similar it's just easy going.

00:13:42.280 --> 00:13:47.883
Yes, so I never had a threat of having this significant change because we were married.

00:13:47.883 --> 00:13:53.625
It was easy, right, but with pregnancy and with a baby coming, that was significant.

00:13:53.625 --> 00:13:57.006
So we have a beautiful home and it's full.

00:13:57.006 --> 00:13:59.307
It was full at the time.

00:13:59.327 --> 00:14:28.342
So to be like it felt like a lot of things were being taken right.

00:14:28.342 --> 00:14:36.308
So my autonomy at work because I couldn't work as much the ownership of my body, because it was starting to go through things.

00:14:36.308 --> 00:14:48.405
I didn't understand the positioning of things at home that I had had there for so long because it was just easy and convenient for me to have things situated certain ways.

00:14:48.405 --> 00:14:49.650
All of that had to shift.

00:14:49.650 --> 00:14:52.522
We're not just talking about like spaces for a nursery.

00:14:52.522 --> 00:14:56.730
I mean like okay, now we need the pantry, like finished and fixed.

00:14:56.730 --> 00:15:03.581
Now we need the closets built out a little differently because we need to put things in different places that they weren't before.

00:15:03.581 --> 00:15:10.900
And so all of these neatly placed and organized and focused things became not so neatly placed and organized.

00:15:10.900 --> 00:15:21.105
So the house got a little just messy for a minute and I had to understand that while we were in transition and putting things there, some stuff had to go into storage until we found a place where it would go.

00:15:21.105 --> 00:15:51.451
And then it was the what is life going to be like being a military family for another year, where we don't always have autonomy of our time, because my husband's a major in the army, so he's a you know officer and he has different things that he's required to do with that, and he's got to do it, and so he's a commissioned officer, and so for me it was like, okay, so how am I going to do this on the times when he's not able to be present with us?

00:15:52.253 --> 00:16:04.587
And I went through a tough spell because when you're single, I'm a very giving person and I lead with my heart, I think, a lot of times, so I'm always focused on other people.

00:16:04.587 --> 00:16:06.653
I wasn't a selfish single individual.

00:16:06.653 --> 00:16:08.287
I was always helping someone.

00:16:08.287 --> 00:16:09.706
I was always doing different things.

00:16:09.706 --> 00:16:10.924
That was just my thing.

00:16:10.924 --> 00:16:20.375
But when we had our son, or when we found out we were pregnant with him, it just felt like a lot of liberty was taken.

00:16:20.375 --> 00:16:22.706
I knew I couldn't go where I wanted to go.

00:16:22.706 --> 00:16:29.269
When I wanted to go there, there would always be, from now to the end of my life where are we going to do with the baby?

00:16:29.269 --> 00:16:30.873
Is he coming with us?

00:16:30.873 --> 00:16:31.721
Is he this, Is he that?

00:16:31.721 --> 00:16:47.913
And so there was always that thing where I honestly felt like that big, bright future right Of traveling and this and Aspen, I felt it almost diminish and it was hard because that's not true.

00:16:49.075 --> 00:16:55.490
That's not true, but it was hard because what I saw wasn't what I was getting ready to experience.

00:16:55.490 --> 00:17:03.434
So, all the way through dating and engagement and the wedding and the marriage, I still see it.

00:17:03.434 --> 00:17:09.308
But as soon as we got pregnant, it was like dream snatched dream snatching pregnancy.

00:17:09.308 --> 00:17:21.724
And it was hard because I made it all the way to that point, having prayed all that time, right, and you get to the point where you haven't and it's like, yeah, but it's not going to look like what you thought and that was that was so you would think.

00:17:21.724 --> 00:17:27.586
To put this in perspective, sometimes people meet their spouse and it's like, oh, that doesn't like what you thought.

00:17:27.586 --> 00:17:30.585
Sometimes you get your house with your son or didn't like what I thought.

00:17:30.585 --> 00:17:33.636
Sometimes you're like like all that matched.

00:17:33.636 --> 00:17:39.940
Yes, right, I didn't have a specific vision for that, but if I wanted something, what I had was exactly you know what I wanted.

00:17:40.300 --> 00:17:41.661
So I didn't have an issue with it.

00:17:41.661 --> 00:17:43.561
But this did not fit.

00:17:43.561 --> 00:17:46.943
It didn't fit so it was really difficult.

00:17:46.943 --> 00:17:52.748
So my life now, ironically, with Micah is very different.

00:17:52.748 --> 00:17:57.890
And his first couple of months here, so fast forward through the pregnancy.

00:17:57.890 --> 00:18:00.672
His first couple of months here were challenging.

00:18:00.672 --> 00:18:11.897
We had a difficult delivery, but his first couple of months here were challenging just because I was in the middle of it and every it was weird because I didn't have.

00:18:13.480 --> 00:18:16.871
I was really sensitive those first four months of pregnancy to what was going to happen.

00:18:16.871 --> 00:18:20.407
When I was in the thick of it it was like I was sensitive to the fact.

00:18:20.407 --> 00:18:21.980
I told I knew this was like.

00:18:21.980 --> 00:18:23.605
I knew this is what this was going to look like.

00:18:23.605 --> 00:18:25.130
I knew this was going to be hard.

00:18:25.130 --> 00:18:28.470
I knew there might be times where I was going to have to shoulder this alone.

00:18:28.470 --> 00:18:30.184
I knew this, like it was all of these things.

00:18:30.184 --> 00:18:34.728
Ok, I knew this was going to happen and it was tough.

00:18:35.601 --> 00:18:39.929
And Ricky was able to take paternity leave, so he was home, you know, for 12 weeks, which was great.

00:18:39.929 --> 00:18:46.801
He was tremendous help, but he was tremendous help.

00:18:46.801 --> 00:18:48.207
But then, of course, work you have to go back to work.

00:18:48.207 --> 00:18:49.471
I thought I was going to be able to take off from work.

00:18:49.471 --> 00:18:49.932
I'm a business owner.

00:18:49.932 --> 00:18:50.173
I couldn't.

00:18:50.173 --> 00:19:02.148
So, in the midst of me recovering from a difficult delivery, having a newborn child for the first time in life, I had tremendous support from my mom and my husband and my mother-in-law, father-in-law, ex-in-law, my dad wonderful.

00:19:02.148 --> 00:19:04.192
So they were very supportive.

00:19:04.192 --> 00:19:14.403
A few friends in town, but still I was still having to work month two, month three, month four.

00:19:14.423 --> 00:19:15.547
So I don't feel like my brain got to take a break either.

00:19:15.567 --> 00:19:15.907
So I don't know.

00:19:15.907 --> 00:19:21.967
I don't know if I answered those questions, but before and during was a huge transition for me.

00:19:21.967 --> 00:19:26.594
I'm going to say this because I think somebody might identify.

00:19:26.594 --> 00:19:31.548
Amen, come on, children are a blessing for the Lord, just flat out.

00:19:31.548 --> 00:19:34.053
I know she sees this where it's heading Period.

00:19:34.079 --> 00:19:37.046
Because, you got to start with the positive Amen, let's do it.

00:19:37.046 --> 00:19:40.885
Yes, they are a true blessing from God.

00:19:40.885 --> 00:19:46.734
I know people who would have prayed for a positive test for a healthy baby.

00:19:46.734 --> 00:19:54.010
True blessing from the Lord, right, but it is okay.

00:19:54.010 --> 00:19:57.924
So someone told me a mother told me it is okay if you don't enjoy pregnancy.

00:19:57.924 --> 00:19:59.809
Every woman doesn't enjoy pregnancy.

00:19:59.809 --> 00:20:02.505
So it's okay If you like it, if you don't like it.

00:20:02.505 --> 00:20:04.711
They said it's okay, you choose which one.

00:20:04.711 --> 00:20:06.482
It is for you.

00:20:06.482 --> 00:20:08.306
And I was middle of the ground.

00:20:08.306 --> 00:20:15.584
Some stuff was okay, some stuff I was like I can do without this pain.

00:20:15.584 --> 00:20:31.508
But when you have kids and I'm still in six months into I, still in that first year of him when you have kids, it is okay for you to feel the life change and the life differences.

00:20:32.651 --> 00:20:34.314
I was going to tell you something earlier.

00:20:34.314 --> 00:20:37.246
This is something I had to realize too, when you talked about the timing.

00:20:37.246 --> 00:20:41.001
Oh boy, people tell you this all the time.

00:20:41.001 --> 00:20:42.204
You really recognize it.

00:20:42.204 --> 00:20:43.347
When you have kids, you have a son.

00:20:43.347 --> 00:20:53.440
When you have kids, it's really not about us.

00:20:53.440 --> 00:20:54.000
It's really not about us.

00:20:54.040 --> 00:20:56.303
I had to really think about what it means for him to be born at the time.

00:20:56.303 --> 00:21:03.631
He was born, not in society, in our lives, my husband and my life.

00:21:03.631 --> 00:21:17.871
Like, what does that mean that he's being born at this age and this stage, with the wisdom we have, with the knowledge we have, with the resources we have, what does that mean for him and what does that allow for him?

00:21:17.871 --> 00:21:25.531
And then I had to look at okay, if I had to choose the time, would I have chosen this time For sure?

00:21:25.531 --> 00:21:27.281
That's a no, I wouldn't have.

00:21:27.281 --> 00:21:30.290
I mean, somebody might have, but come on, no, that's fair.

00:21:30.290 --> 00:21:30.799
No, no, no for sure.

00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:32.503
Like I would not in the first year.

00:21:32.503 --> 00:21:35.711
We were planning to have kids this upcoming year.

00:21:35.811 --> 00:21:40.171
Yes, so it wasn't like we wasn't, it wasn't on the docket, it was just not in the first year.

00:21:40.171 --> 00:21:51.282
So, but things happen and God is God.

00:21:51.282 --> 00:21:53.288
So I think I really settled into that when Micah was born.

00:21:53.288 --> 00:21:58.038
I spend so much time understanding, like that it's not about me, it's about him.

00:21:58.038 --> 00:22:09.756
I spend so much time being tuned into his personality and his like, needs, his desires, his wants than I have anything else.

00:22:09.756 --> 00:22:17.689
And I think that's interesting, because I wasn't necessarily brought up that way, right, like I feel like I wasn't a mom back then, I was a kid.

00:22:17.689 --> 00:22:37.027
Sure, my vantage point is different, but I feel like growing up I heard a lot more parents like stifling the kid and like really trying to make the kid fit them as opposed to understanding the child and what that child might actually be saying, wanting, needing in their own language, and that's hard to do.

00:22:37.027 --> 00:22:39.407
I understand why people didn't do it because they got to work.

00:22:40.040 --> 00:22:48.551
It's a full time job, it's very hard, it's hard, it's hard to do and especially, especially, when it wasn't your experience.

00:22:48.551 --> 00:22:52.680
So it is this shift, and I think it's a healthy shift.

00:22:52.680 --> 00:22:55.710
I do think that there are plenty.

00:22:55.710 --> 00:23:02.292
I would say probably more to learn about parenting from our parents' generation than to not learn.

00:23:02.292 --> 00:23:04.048
I think most of it was healthy, I agree.

00:23:04.048 --> 00:23:06.280
I think I think there most of it was healthy.

00:23:06.280 --> 00:23:13.762
I think I think we try to change some of it and it's not going well, like we don't need to do that.

00:23:13.803 --> 00:23:17.397
Right, like our generation is like no, we know none of this, none of this.

00:23:17.397 --> 00:23:48.394
Take that away, you know, and it's like well, pause, like no, let's remember there were some things, but I love what you just said paying attention to who the child is Not not that they're yours, like they are, but they are, they are their own and they're coming into their own and you're not always going to have them, and so that's something that that we've at least I've been thinking a lot about, that we've, or at least I've been thinking a lot about.

00:23:48.394 --> 00:23:55.220
You know, arson is 10 and just, I mean he's.

00:23:55.220 --> 00:24:02.904
You could see he came, I came into his life when he was seven and you can see the change, like he is so different and there are some things that are similar, but there are some things that are very different.

00:24:02.904 --> 00:24:13.846
And, like he's, he's matured in some ways and you know, he's had more of this, less of that Like and so, but it's it's not, and it's not just a steady pathway, it's a we're.

00:24:13.846 --> 00:24:16.859
Some days we're negotiating this and some days it's this, it's.

00:24:16.880 --> 00:24:24.166
I thought you liked that, last week he did, this week he doesn't, and I'm it's a constant learning of who he is and who he's becoming.

00:24:24.166 --> 00:24:34.996
And so, to your point, this our lives are also.

00:24:34.996 --> 00:24:36.616
We also have these responsibilities.

00:24:36.616 --> 00:25:03.413
And so how do you, how do you mentally balance right now, you, how do you mentally balance right now, like you're that kind of like um, that thinking around Micah and what, like understanding and trying to understand him and learn him, even even as a six month old, with your responsibilities as a business owner, like it's and and and and.

00:25:03.413 --> 00:25:05.936
Then we can even bring responsibilities as a wife too, because that's a different thing.

00:25:05.936 --> 00:25:05.989
You, it's and and and, and.

00:25:05.989 --> 00:25:07.715
Then we can even bring responsibilities as a wife too, because that's a different thing.

00:25:07.736 --> 00:25:08.696
You know what I'm saying?

00:25:08.696 --> 00:25:09.836
Let's just be real.

00:25:10.198 --> 00:25:11.422
Like that's a whole different thing.

00:25:11.623 --> 00:25:13.106
I think like people people.

00:25:13.428 --> 00:25:14.832
Wife and mother are two different things.

00:25:15.180 --> 00:25:21.044
That's two different roles, that you have to, you have to constantly figure out how to harmonize those Right.

00:25:20.948 --> 00:25:21.255
So let's talk about that for a little bit.

00:25:21.255 --> 00:25:21.137
How, how are you managing all that?

00:25:21.137 --> 00:25:21.772
How to harmonize those?

00:25:21.676 --> 00:25:21.856
right?

00:25:21.856 --> 00:25:23.188
Yes, it is, so let's talk about that for a little bit.

00:25:23.582 --> 00:25:24.886
How are you managing all that?

00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:29.369
So, gosh, some days well, some days not well.

00:25:29.369 --> 00:25:31.443
Yeah, but I like I.

00:25:31.443 --> 00:25:34.833
There are two things I've really focused in on.

00:25:34.833 --> 00:25:36.406
There's a book called the One Thing.

00:25:36.406 --> 00:25:41.250
Ooh, I'm going to forget the writer, the author.

00:25:41.250 --> 00:25:50.605
It's a New York Times bestseller, so you'll find it if you type in the one thing on Amazon.

00:25:50.605 --> 00:25:51.969
Joy will come up with it here in a second.

00:25:51.969 --> 00:25:52.931
Okay, thank you, I appreciate that.

00:25:52.931 --> 00:25:56.299
So it's the one thing, and I was given this book by my big brother mentor and he gave it to me.

00:25:56.299 --> 00:26:03.988
There's a chapter in the book that talks about counterbalance and balance and how balance is not really a thing that's not achievable.

00:26:03.988 --> 00:26:20.211
Yeah, you counterbalance, right, you swing one direction and then you swing back, like there's a period you're having to focus on this and you swing back this way and you focus, you swing back this way, and it talks about how you have to consider the things in your life as glass and rubber balls.

00:26:20.961 --> 00:26:23.429
And they're all in the air, right, they're all in the air.

00:26:23.429 --> 00:26:26.422
And you're trying to keep the balls from falling.

00:26:26.422 --> 00:26:28.827
Yes, the reality is something is going to fall, right.

00:26:28.827 --> 00:26:32.241
And the book explains drop the rubber, not the glass.

00:26:32.241 --> 00:26:33.625
I like that, I love it, okay.

00:26:33.625 --> 00:26:45.794
So for me, micah is glass Right, ricky is glass Right and in some ways my, my company, my work can be rubber.

00:26:46.743 --> 00:26:54.953
It's not always because it pays bills, but sometimes I mean, in the grand scheme of things, a priority list, it's not higher than them, right.

00:26:54.953 --> 00:27:06.480
And so I recognize there was years ago, when Scandal was in its heyday, the TV show, shonda Rhimes, the creator, writer, all these things.

00:27:06.480 --> 00:27:15.884
She spoke at a graduation ceremony I'm going to forget for what college and she made mention of something.

00:27:15.884 --> 00:27:27.599
She said she has two children that she adopted and she said people ask her all the time how does she, you know, enjoy becoming a mother, how does she do that and be a showrunner and be a this and a that and the other?

00:27:27.599 --> 00:27:45.111
And she said, when my child was having their first day of school, I was on set seeing the last scene for the last show that whatever actor was going to create, and then she was like, when it was the opening whatever for another show.

00:27:45.111 --> 00:27:48.106
She was missing a dance recital for it.

00:27:48.186 --> 00:27:52.982
Like there's no way to do everything and it's still okay.

00:27:52.982 --> 00:27:55.007
And it's still okay.

00:27:55.007 --> 00:27:59.842
Like, in what world or what society or what dream are we living?

00:27:59.842 --> 00:28:08.240
Or believing that every single thing we put our hand to we have the capacity to run efficiently?

00:28:08.240 --> 00:28:12.930
In the same way, like there's no one that can do that Right.

00:28:12.930 --> 00:28:14.053
Where did that lie come?

00:28:14.133 --> 00:28:14.272
from.

00:28:15.701 --> 00:28:17.967
I think it's a desire, honestly Okay.

00:28:17.967 --> 00:28:22.361
I think it's an internal desire that what I put my hands to, I want to do well.

00:28:22.361 --> 00:28:28.967
What I commit to, I want to show up for what I, you know, position myself in.

00:28:28.967 --> 00:28:32.911
I want to make sure I give all of me to or it.

00:28:32.971 --> 00:28:34.971
You know it represents and identifies me.

00:28:34.971 --> 00:28:37.734
Whatever my name is on, you know, comes back to me.

00:28:37.734 --> 00:28:45.342
But again, Micah is a rubber ball.

00:28:45.342 --> 00:28:49.862
So there are times, there are times I'm in meetings and you know I'll take a meeting and it's like, oh okay, well, you know he's resting, so I'll just jump on a call real quick, Right.

00:28:49.862 --> 00:28:53.048
And then he gets up, Right, Yep.

00:28:53.048 --> 00:29:02.172
And so for all of those who have meetings with me and I say excuse me just one moment, you just give me just one moment.

00:29:02.172 --> 00:29:06.181
That's, that's where I'm going.

00:29:06.181 --> 00:29:07.545
I'm going to run and get a screaming child.

00:29:07.545 --> 00:29:15.007
And for those that see me mute and unmute and mute and unmute, it's because I'm probably feeding him right in front of the camera, which is why it's all.

00:29:15.007 --> 00:29:19.401
And there are times that that happens.

00:29:19.401 --> 00:29:23.791
There are other times where I have to cancel meetings or I have to move a meeting.

00:29:24.883 --> 00:29:28.506
I'm six months in, I'm still figuring it out, but grace is such a powerful thing.

00:29:28.506 --> 00:29:30.980
Yes, To your point about being a wife and a mother.

00:29:30.980 --> 00:29:32.625
Grace is something.

00:29:32.625 --> 00:29:38.325
This is not what this podcast is about, but I will say this yes, Grace is something that I learned in marriage.

00:29:38.325 --> 00:29:42.594
Yes, I knew the grace of God.

00:29:42.594 --> 00:29:45.519
I thought I knew the grace of God.

00:29:45.519 --> 00:29:53.019
I thought, I thought but grace is something that I learned in marriage and we were actually we did a check-in for each.

00:29:53.019 --> 00:30:03.551
We decided each anniversary we would check in with we have two pastors that really pour into us and pastor us, and so one pastor, but the other one loves us and used to pastor us, so we used both of them, but we have them pour into us.

00:30:03.551 --> 00:30:07.925
And so one pastor, but the other one loves us and used to pastor us, so we used both of them, but we have them pour into us.

00:30:07.925 --> 00:30:15.409
So when we hit anniversary, we decided to go and let's just do a session just to make sure we're good, Everything is straight.

00:30:15.409 --> 00:30:17.261
And so we're doing the session.

00:30:17.261 --> 00:30:26.702
And you know, I happen to make some things funny just because it's easier to say and to cope with, so I'm joking around, but obviously they know us, so they know what I'm saying when I'm not saying it.

00:30:26.702 --> 00:30:44.028
And this particular pastor goes into this speech about grace grace, giving each other grace and I was like, wow, I thought I knew what that was and, because of how it was presented, I went and did some more.

00:30:44.349 --> 00:30:49.627
You know, looking into that, and I feel the same way about having a child.

00:30:49.627 --> 00:30:53.356
Yes, it's not just grace for your spouse, it's grace for yourself.

00:30:53.356 --> 00:30:56.551
You know, I don't always feel my best.

00:30:56.551 --> 00:30:58.097
There was a time I didn't fit.

00:30:58.097 --> 00:31:05.157
I don't currently fit maternity clothes or my previous clothes, so I wear what I fit and I am not.

00:31:05.157 --> 00:31:06.621
I'm not used to that.

00:31:06.621 --> 00:31:11.739
I'm not used to, I'm not used to my body not responding to me doing different things.

00:31:11.739 --> 00:31:17.834
And the crazy part is I can't always blame it on pregnancy, because I'm also getting older.

00:31:17.834 --> 00:31:19.298
So I don't know.

00:31:19.298 --> 00:31:25.595
My hip went out the other day and I was like I don't know which one it was.

00:31:25.595 --> 00:31:27.337
Is it age?

00:31:27.337 --> 00:31:29.101
Is it you don't?

00:31:29.582 --> 00:31:32.567
know, I don't know.

00:31:32.948 --> 00:31:34.867
So it's really grace, and that's hard.

00:31:34.867 --> 00:31:35.086
I'm not perfect at that.

00:31:35.086 --> 00:31:35.746
I'm not perfect at giving, don't know, I don't know.

00:31:35.746 --> 00:31:35.887
So it's really grace, and that's hard.

00:31:35.887 --> 00:31:37.477
Yeah, I'm not perfect at that.

00:31:37.477 --> 00:31:39.738
I'm not perfect at giving grace to myself, that's right.

00:31:39.738 --> 00:31:41.276
I'm not perfect at that.

00:31:41.276 --> 00:31:44.559
So I do beat myself up when I have to move a meeting.

00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:49.121
I beat myself up more if he cries more than three minutes, which doesn't harm him at all.

00:31:49.121 --> 00:31:52.116
Yes, it's like he's crying.

00:31:52.116 --> 00:31:54.244
It's nothing wrong, he'll be okay.

00:31:54.244 --> 00:31:56.009
There's nothing harming him or injuring him.

00:31:56.009 --> 00:31:56.972
He's fed, he's changed.

00:31:56.972 --> 00:31:59.919
So I do, it gets to me.

00:31:59.919 --> 00:32:04.117
But then I have to remember I was never created to do everything.

00:32:04.117 --> 00:32:07.008
That's why we have a father who is supernatural.

00:32:07.008 --> 00:32:08.613
Because we're natural, we're human.

00:32:08.613 --> 00:32:19.810
We can only do a little, but what we do, if we submit it to the Lord, he'll make it plenty.

00:32:19.830 --> 00:32:25.759
And so at the end of the day, I have to just believe that what I did that day was enough and I'll start again tomorrow and do better tomorrow.

00:32:25.759 --> 00:32:26.220
So that is uh.

00:32:26.220 --> 00:32:26.961
I think grace is a, it's a.

00:32:26.961 --> 00:32:50.112
It is a tricky concept, it is not, it is not easy to grasp, and I'm glad that you, I'm glad you said what you said, because I think especially people women in particular that are high achievers, um struggle with grace for themselves, and then some, and then, and then in turn, if you don't have good grace for yourself, you can't have good grace for others.

00:32:50.814 --> 00:32:55.080
And so you know the relational capital sometimes suffers as a result of that.

00:32:55.080 --> 00:32:57.263
And so you know that.

00:32:57.263 --> 00:33:02.919
So it's such an important thing to understand and I think, uh, I'm with you.

00:33:02.919 --> 00:33:16.432
I think I understand grace at a level I have not understood it before having these two humans attached to me right, Like it's like oh wow, and not, they're not just attached to me, I'm attached to me, right.

00:33:16.432 --> 00:33:18.801
Like it's like oh wow, and not, they're not just attached to me, I'm attached to them, right.

00:33:18.902 --> 00:33:34.753
It is a, it is a both, and because they have to have grace for me and um and uh, and because of me, like they need I, cause I, you know, I am who I am and all day like, and I, it's just, it's just what it is.

00:33:34.753 --> 00:34:01.832
And so I think, and especially, like you know I don't know how this was for you, but I know like I'm used to catching on to things pretty quickly got it, got it, got it.

00:34:01.832 --> 00:34:03.034
Like no, not this, like not this, ain't no, got it.

00:34:03.034 --> 00:34:07.923
I mean, it has been a journey and I think it's very humbling and I'm grateful for that because they are just.

00:34:09.891 --> 00:34:51.400
God uses different moments to humble us and I think especially and I keep coming to this because, again, I think there are a especially and I keep coming to this because, again, I think there are a lot of women who are in this position either, who are single and will be married with children here in the next few years, or that's a desire that that that will probably have, that that may or may not happen, um, or are in this stage where we are, where it's like fresh and new in your life, um, but it is a um for for those of us who have, who have, I'm not going to say mastered that's not the right word, but got very comfortable and um thrive at some level in our single season.

00:34:52.501 --> 00:34:54.224
Um, you know, you're kind of.

00:34:54.224 --> 00:34:56.315
You're kind of in this rhythm of success.

00:34:56.315 --> 00:35:00.394
You're kind of hitting the mark Okay, cool, I got it, I got it, I got it.

00:35:00.394 --> 00:35:05.813
And then you get to this entirely new place and it's like where are my marks?

00:35:06.175 --> 00:35:12.657
Because I don't even know where they are anymore right Well marriage doesn't have a trajectory.

00:35:12.717 --> 00:35:14.742
You can just have a good kid, and that's the thing.

00:35:14.742 --> 00:35:21.903
If you want to move up in business, whether you own it or you work for someone in a company, there are steps to take.

00:35:21.903 --> 00:35:26.000
If you want to grow your company, there are steps to take.

00:35:26.000 --> 00:35:40.565
There are so many different things that have a step-by-step or at least a measuring stick, correct, if you bring in this amount, if you make this amount in the company I mean if you work for a company you hit these milestones there's a measuring stick.

00:35:40.585 --> 00:35:46.771
There's a pattern, there's a path, there's a measuring stick.

00:35:46.771 --> 00:35:50.617
There's not one for marriage, because every single marriage is different, every single relationship, every child is different.

00:35:50.617 --> 00:35:54.896
And so for me and I say this a lot marriage is an institution.

00:35:54.896 --> 00:35:55.440
I say that for two reasons.

00:35:55.440 --> 00:35:56.489
Because I say this a lot marriage is an institution.

00:35:56.489 --> 00:36:00.280
I say that for two reasons because I need a measuring stick.

00:36:00.280 --> 00:36:03.657
So marriage is an institution.

00:36:04.110 --> 00:36:18.637
There are certain things in marriage that will happen to every marriage that growing together, resources, whether you combine them or you leave them separate, that's a conversation, doesn't matter how you do it, still a conversation, right?

00:36:18.637 --> 00:36:24.885
That's something you go through the growing together, the changing one or another, the interest.

00:36:24.885 --> 00:36:26.690
There are things that are common to it.

00:36:26.690 --> 00:36:30.025
So I have a measuring stick now, right, so that's the institution part.

00:36:30.025 --> 00:36:42.251
Marriage, college institutions we may go through different colleges, different places, different institutions, join different groups, study a different topic, but there's still certain things you're going to have at every college.

00:36:42.251 --> 00:36:46.472
You got to go to class, you got your general education requirements, you got all these things.

00:36:46.472 --> 00:36:47.432
That's common.

00:36:47.432 --> 00:36:59.559
So I for myself, found some common ground with marriage to say, okay, this is the common stuff that happens when we hit the common thing of finances.

00:36:59.559 --> 00:37:01.525
How did we make it through that?

00:37:01.525 --> 00:37:03.831
Now I have a measuring stick.

00:37:03.831 --> 00:37:09.552
When we hit the common thing of you know how we're going to raise our child, how did we make it through that?

00:37:09.552 --> 00:37:11.878
Now we got a measuring stick.

00:37:12.259 --> 00:37:19.001
So for me it was a healthy way of seeing okay, we're going through similar things that everyone goes through.

00:37:19.001 --> 00:37:24.900
Everyone's going to go through those things completely differently, but how did we make it through what we went through?

00:37:24.900 --> 00:37:40.010
And then, as a person, as you said, coming from a single world for much of my life into marriage, who may have hung my hat on different success metrics, that's something I can measure.

00:37:40.010 --> 00:37:44.880
It just means to me we're doing okay, we're doing okay.

00:37:44.880 --> 00:37:46.503
Everybody's going through.

00:37:46.503 --> 00:37:51.923
It's people who think you're going to beat out certain things.

00:37:51.923 --> 00:37:56.110
You probably will, but beating it out doesn't mean you didn't go through it, you did.

00:37:56.110 --> 00:38:01.650
You just beat it Like you just didn't have it, didn't have the impact on you that it could have.

00:38:01.650 --> 00:38:04.217
And so those are different things.

00:38:04.217 --> 00:38:16.739
I mean some things never enter certain marriages, but there will always be some common things that just coming together as two people, marriage is different from having like a roommate in life.

00:38:16.739 --> 00:38:19.057
But even if you have a roommate in life there, are certain things.

00:38:19.077 --> 00:38:19.619
There's similar things.

00:38:19.619 --> 00:38:21.166
Yeah, some things are similar.

00:38:21.166 --> 00:38:24.597
That's right, you're gonna, yeah, so that's how I do it.

00:38:25.612 --> 00:38:37.081
I think it's healthy to do it that way, because there is no trajectory and you can feel lost, like I remember speaking to a young lady who was really fresh in marriage and she was like I wish there was like a handbook or a rule book or like what am I supposed to like?

00:38:37.621 --> 00:38:39.911
And I, literally, at that time I wasn't married.

00:38:39.911 --> 00:38:44.139
I was just talking to her and I said, hey, just listen, they married you.

00:38:44.139 --> 00:38:47.873
Be you, yeah, as you're being.

00:38:47.873 --> 00:38:52.592
You figure it out, but don't try to change you to fit a mold, correct.

00:38:52.592 --> 00:38:56.382
That's another thing that we try, ricky and I try not to do.

00:38:56.382 --> 00:39:04.434
We're pretty I think we're decently good at it that we have determined that there is not a specific way this is supposed to work.

00:39:04.590 --> 00:39:15.701
Yeah, no, no, you know, I was reflecting on that earlier of just like that's everybody's different.

00:39:15.701 --> 00:39:21.943
So every time, you know, every single marriage is different because it's different, simply different people.

00:39:21.943 --> 00:39:27.521
Every single parenting experience is different because you're, you got different kids.

00:39:27.521 --> 00:39:28.043
That's right.

00:39:28.043 --> 00:39:43.182
You know, even in the same family I love, there's a psychologist essentially said no parents have no kids, have the same parents Because you know, if you all have have other children, you'll be in a different space than you were with Micah.

00:39:43.182 --> 00:39:48.623
They're meeting different parents than Micah had, right.

00:39:49.010 --> 00:39:49.851
And same for us.

00:39:49.992 --> 00:39:58.405
We won't like our, our, our next children won't be meeting the same parents that our son sees now.

00:39:58.405 --> 00:40:05.601
And so it will be different, and so there's something beautiful about that and very scary.

00:40:06.572 --> 00:40:08.398
Like I mean because you know, you just don't know.

00:40:09.731 --> 00:40:11.717
So, with that, what makes you?

00:40:11.717 --> 00:40:13.782
I don't know.

00:40:13.782 --> 00:40:28.731
I realize we're parents, are two different children, because yours is you can't talk yet, but, um, mine can a lot, and so, uh, what are the things, though, that make you nervous?

00:40:28.731 --> 00:40:31.673
Like, what makes you nervous and I don't know?

00:40:31.673 --> 00:40:51.061
When I think about that, I think about just in this world that we are living in, um, and just the different levels of exposure, access, all of that that naturally come um, some which we can control and some we can't.

00:40:51.061 --> 00:40:59.512
Um, and what that looks like, and how you, what, what, what, what you may have or may feel like.

00:40:59.512 --> 00:41:08.297
You need to unlearn about how to manage that reality as you figure out, you know, as you walk through parenting with.

00:41:08.336 --> 00:41:13.139
Micah, I think before we had Micah.

00:41:13.139 --> 00:41:20.702
While we were pregnant, I wrestled with having a child in the world today.

00:41:20.702 --> 00:41:23.704
I really wrestled with that.

00:41:23.704 --> 00:41:30.586
It felt like why in the world would you want to bring a child into this type of society?

00:41:30.628 --> 00:41:31.987
Because it is wild.

00:41:32.467 --> 00:41:37.398
Yeah, I really wrestled with that and I think, gosh, somebody came to me.

00:41:37.398 --> 00:41:40.018
I have so many brilliant mothers, just veterans.

00:41:40.018 --> 00:41:51.523
You know, kids of 50 years old, you know, just veteran mothers, and one of them came to me and said all of us felt like that when we raised our kids.

00:41:52.271 --> 00:42:01.221
The world was always worse than what we had when we had our children, and it will continue to feel like that.

00:42:01.221 --> 00:42:06.340
I think the other thing that made me nervous our pastor, apostle Bertha Terry.

00:42:06.340 --> 00:42:13.983
She has a book called Invisible Warfare and she talks about how in that book that the warfare against the parents is really against the family.

00:42:13.983 --> 00:42:14.961
It's invisible warfare against the family.

00:42:14.961 --> 00:42:15.409
It is really against the family.

00:42:15.409 --> 00:42:16.016
It's invisible warfare against the family.

00:42:16.016 --> 00:42:17.481
It's really against the children.

00:42:17.481 --> 00:42:26.856
Like the enemy will come against our adversary, our spiritual adversary will come against the parents in order to impact the kids, because he's already impacted us.

00:42:26.856 --> 00:42:39.762
The impact he did to us happened as kids and now he's trying to impact our kids and so anything that comes against our marriage comes against our person, it's to to impact our kids, and so anything that comes against our marriage comes against our person comes it's to negatively impact our children.

00:42:39.762 --> 00:43:05.856
And, as a really interesting concept and I think, a truth and I took that to heart also makes me nervous, a part of the thing in the book is that we have to serve God with our children more, like they need more of him than what we had, because they are experiencing things we never had to experience.

00:43:05.856 --> 00:43:10.920
Life is much different for them than it is for us, and what we had they need more of, not less of.

00:43:10.920 --> 00:43:12.054
They need more of.

00:43:12.054 --> 00:43:19.574
And so how do you cultivate that relationship with your kid than to have more than what you have?

00:43:19.653 --> 00:43:25.838
I think I have a pretty strong relationship with the Lord, but it still makes me nervous that I'm not doing enough for him.

00:43:25.838 --> 00:43:27.990
Am I reading the Bible enough to him?

00:43:27.990 --> 00:43:33.643
He's six months old, but at what point do you make it to where it's a part of his nature?

00:43:33.643 --> 00:43:39.996
Do you make it to where it's a part of his nature, like at what point is kingdom a part of culture and not just church?

00:43:39.996 --> 00:43:42.722
So actually making that kingdom a culture for him?

00:43:43.204 --> 00:43:44.672
When we get up, we pray to the Lord.

00:43:44.672 --> 00:43:49.610
When we read during the day, not just at night, we have more than just a scripture.

00:43:49.610 --> 00:43:51.775
We talk to the Lord, we communicate.

00:43:51.775 --> 00:43:54.780
When something happens, we say let's pray about it.

00:43:54.780 --> 00:43:57.512
When does that become culture?

00:43:57.512 --> 00:44:04.072
We have all of these different customs that travel with different ethnicities or different groups of people.

00:44:04.072 --> 00:44:06.295
That is cultural for them.

00:44:06.295 --> 00:44:12.615
So kingdom is a culture, and we don't always use that with our children.

00:44:12.615 --> 00:44:16.306
So that keeps me on a verge of nervousness.

00:44:16.306 --> 00:44:17.269
Am I doing enough?

00:44:17.269 --> 00:44:23.231
Because there's only so many hours in a day and that's the whole rubber glass ball right, yes, did he get fed?

00:44:23.231 --> 00:44:24.253
Is it clean?

00:44:24.253 --> 00:44:27.981
Right, right, right, is he still alive?

00:44:27.981 --> 00:44:33.117
Correct, okay, congratulations, great day, great day, great day.

00:44:33.117 --> 00:44:37.311
No, but sometimes that's literally it's like I loved him.

00:44:37.391 --> 00:44:50.751
I fed him, I cleaned him, I hugged him, I played with him, I tried to teach him something and then you know, that's all because, on the other hand, it's still work and wife, and it's a lot, yes, yeah.

00:44:50.771 --> 00:44:57.157
You know I, um, as a I don't, I don't know, I I've told I don't.

00:44:57.157 --> 00:44:59.759
I don't give advice to anybody around this.

00:44:59.759 --> 00:45:01.840
I've only been in it for well, you know.

00:45:02.501 --> 00:45:02.760
Same.

00:45:02.981 --> 00:45:03.942
Yeah, Amen.

00:45:03.942 --> 00:45:09.987
So what I'm about to say is not that, but just my experience to that point of this.

00:45:09.987 --> 00:45:21.222
Will they grasp the kingdom culture Right and, you know, particularly like juxtaposed against what they're exposed to out here?

00:45:21.523 --> 00:45:21.983
That's right.

00:45:23.192 --> 00:45:26.496
And I have been, and so in our case, right, he's.

00:45:26.496 --> 00:45:30.896
He's not my natural child, so he's he has a whole life.

00:45:30.896 --> 00:45:39.215
I'm unaware of Right and I was not a part of, and learn different things from different people that I don't have a unaware of Right and and I was not a part of, and learn different things from different people that I don't have a relationship with Right.

00:45:39.215 --> 00:45:49.206
So he's coming in already with stuff, right and so for, on my end, like I don't necessarily have a fresh start.

00:45:49.206 --> 00:46:03.947
And then even from me and my husband as as a married couple, it I mean, I mean, even though that's his father as a married couple, we are starting from square seven, not square zero.

00:46:04.369 --> 00:46:04.750
That's right.

00:46:06.032 --> 00:46:25.135
So this idea of like, how do we manage what he's coming with, with what it is that we want to try to impact and instill and I have been this is where I feel like the grace of God comes in the middle of parenting.

00:46:25.135 --> 00:46:29.900
That I have seen, at least in our story, is God has his devotion.

00:46:29.900 --> 00:46:39.371
As a 10-year-old to the Lord, I attribute to God more than more than us Wow, wow, wow.

00:46:39.532 --> 00:46:48.686
I am constantly amazed at how, how sensitive him, as a child, is to the voice of God, the presence of God.

00:46:48.686 --> 00:46:49.751
I mean, I can't.

00:46:49.751 --> 00:46:54.422
I would take me too long to really narrate a couple of particular stories.

00:46:54.422 --> 00:46:59.016
Me too long to really narrate a couple of particular stories that I mean, left me just stunned.

00:46:59.036 --> 00:47:07.577
And he has not necessarily been in church or you know in in that world for a consistent period of time as long as he has been here.

00:47:07.577 --> 00:47:16.177
But he, totally honest, he got us more involved in church, more consistent.

00:47:16.177 --> 00:47:18.902
We're there multiple times a week.

00:47:18.902 --> 00:47:28.192
My husband is at church more than I am doing stuff and just like, but it's because of him, it's because of his desire.

00:47:28.472 --> 00:47:29.273
That's so awesome.

00:47:29.614 --> 00:47:40.554
And we've only had him as a couple for coming on three years, and so it just it is just a testament to children are just open.

00:47:40.554 --> 00:47:58.735
They are way more open than we are, which you know, and so, like god, I think the keeping, because, lord knows, my husband and I are very, we're very human, I mean we're just very human, you know, and um, we love the Lord, but we're human.

00:47:59.456 --> 00:48:03.391
We don't lean to the human, to the other side, we lean human.

00:48:03.391 --> 00:48:11.512
Okay, and so I know that there is, like our it's as far as routine and, like you know, traditions and all that stuff.

00:48:11.512 --> 00:48:23.146
When it comes to um-filled household, I mean, we're not very consistent in all that, if I'm just being honest, but that has not impacted his desire and love for God.

00:48:23.146 --> 00:48:26.333
You know what I'm saying, and so I see that I'm like God.

00:48:26.333 --> 00:48:29.117
Thank you, Because, man, we suck a lot of times.

00:48:29.117 --> 00:48:31.677
No you don't, we do.

00:48:32.150 --> 00:48:32.873
No, you don't.

00:48:32.873 --> 00:48:34.418
It's just a part like this.

00:48:34.418 --> 00:48:35.021
It's just a part like this.

00:48:35.041 --> 00:48:36.047
It's the balls in the air.

00:48:36.047 --> 00:48:49.492
It is it is the balls in the air and I, you know, but I think about my parents and some things that we did and just like the routine and consistency and all this stuff and like I'm like we don't like it, it ain't.

00:48:49.492 --> 00:48:57.653
It's choppy over here, you know, and I'm not really sure how that's impacting him.

00:48:57.653 --> 00:49:03.170
But then it's like God, since these little reminders like no, I'm, I'm actually I'm filling in so many of your gaps you don't even realize it.

00:49:03.692 --> 00:49:08.782
it's like you don't even know he be saying some crazy stuff.

00:49:08.782 --> 00:49:10.309
This kid where you're like.

00:49:10.309 --> 00:49:12.173
First of all, where did you learn that?

00:49:12.173 --> 00:49:12.695
Where you?

00:49:12.715 --> 00:49:17.123
learn that the other day he randomly sent me a prayer, like a prayer on YouTube.

00:49:17.123 --> 00:49:18.434
He just sent it to me.

00:49:18.434 --> 00:49:22.418
He finds he's like and he calls Miss Abby.

00:49:22.418 --> 00:49:24.914
He's like Miss Abby, come in, you know, I sent you something.

00:49:24.914 --> 00:49:26.278
I was like, okay, I was on the phone.

00:49:26.278 --> 00:49:27.914
I said I'll look at it when I get off the phone.

00:49:27.914 --> 00:49:29.539
And of course I didn't.

00:49:29.539 --> 00:49:31.902
I I'm way too, I can't keep stuff.

00:49:31.902 --> 00:49:35.164
So I looked at him on the phone and I realized it was a prayer.

00:49:35.164 --> 00:49:40.378
I was like this little 10 year old boy just sent me a random prayer Just going through YouTube.

00:49:40.378 --> 00:49:43.775
Crazy, random.

00:49:43.775 --> 00:49:44.617
Where'd that come from?

00:49:44.617 --> 00:49:45.780
Really, really sweet.

00:49:45.780 --> 00:49:47.250
And he'll just have these moments.

00:49:47.250 --> 00:49:48.556
Who ask these questions?

00:49:48.556 --> 00:50:00.833
He'll, you know, and just the curiosity, the conviction, and that doesn't come from us and our routines and teaching and all of that Anyway, you know.

00:50:02.297 --> 00:50:07.181
I asked myself this because obviously the point in time I remember as a child, I was probably five or six.

00:50:07.181 --> 00:50:10.795
But where my memory actually can go back and remember is my.

00:50:10.795 --> 00:50:17.920
I think I was five or six and I just remember my mom just keeping us really active in church and doing things and coming home and praying with us and reading to us and this and the other.

00:50:17.920 --> 00:50:24.780
And ironically, she does the same thing with Micah she prays with him, she reads to him, she teaches him and I'm like, thank you Jesus.

00:50:24.780 --> 00:50:26.411
And so I.

00:50:26.692 --> 00:50:33.864
But listen, gosh, every season of parenting, every season of life, every season of living is completely different.

00:50:33.864 --> 00:50:44.849
Before her they were having children at 13, 14, like my grandmother's age, you know and then that dynamic they moved in, they were getting young, you know, married young in their 20s or whatever.

00:50:44.849 --> 00:50:49.659
And then now we have you know present day dynamics which did both because we've had some 13, 14.

00:50:49.659 --> 00:51:09.202
Anyway, so we have a little bit of both, but back then most people it was more common to work a job than own a job yeah, so most people had a nine to five, stressful, strenuous, but come home and I left it there.

00:51:09.202 --> 00:51:12.054
Correct, right, whereas when you have a company.

00:51:12.054 --> 00:51:15.242
Six o'clock is not always a clocking out time Come on.

00:51:16.052 --> 00:51:17.378
You just can't always clock out.

00:51:17.378 --> 00:51:19.436
That's right, there's stuff that has to be done.

00:51:19.516 --> 00:51:41.538
Yes, and so when you have that still on your mind, when you didn't get to get in your car and leave, and leave it there, and then you go back in, you sit at the work and you put it back on yes, when you didn't get to do that, or you know, sometimes you come home even with that kind of a job, you have a conversation like oh, it just happened at work, and then I'm done with it.

00:51:41.538 --> 00:51:51.041
It just doesn't happen, and so it's really difficult then to compare the two ages to me to me because I was a latchkey kid.

00:51:51.121 --> 00:51:54.414
Both of my parents had jobs like that, so we did a lot on our own.

00:51:54.414 --> 00:52:06.202
They did what they could, but then also it was come home, do homework, pray, bed, and on the weekends they had more time to pour into us, whereas I'm trying to, and they did some during the week too.

00:52:06.202 --> 00:52:24.313
I'm not saying that, but I just mean he's six months, we're keeping him home, he doesn't go to a daycare, and so whoever is there with me helps me pour Right, and when it's just me, I pour Right, but we're doing it all day, so I try to infuse.

00:52:24.313 --> 00:52:28.242
Hearing this, hearing you say that, just reminds me of the power of God.

00:52:28.242 --> 00:52:30.735
Like I read something on Facebook.

00:52:30.735 --> 00:52:35.715
I'm never going to remember what it exactly said, but the sentiment of it was all of you parents that are trying to.

00:52:35.715 --> 00:52:38.318
Oh, something about picking the right school in the right district.

00:52:38.318 --> 00:52:40.661
In this sense says you're taking things out of God's hands.

00:52:40.942 --> 00:52:42.364
Ah, yes, I think I've seen that.

00:52:42.465 --> 00:52:46.860
Yes, yes, yes, that God can literally do that with your child, wherever they are.

00:52:46.860 --> 00:52:57.570
Like, yes, do your best to positively impact, do your best to give them what you can, right, but then let God be God.

00:52:57.570 --> 00:53:02.342
And what you just said, that just completely, was like, okay, that helped me because it's like you know what I'm just I'm doing my best.

00:53:02.342 --> 00:53:06.902
I've got to settle in the fact that I'm doing my best and then I have to let God be God.

00:53:07.931 --> 00:53:09.393
Yes, that's it, that's it.

00:53:09.393 --> 00:53:14.001
It is literally the only thing you really can do, because everything else is a is a.

00:53:14.001 --> 00:53:16.764
It's a false sense of control.

00:53:18.632 --> 00:53:21.380
And and so we're really just spinning our wheels, not going anywhere.

00:53:21.380 --> 00:53:24.360
Just make yourself tired by continuing to do that.

00:53:24.360 --> 00:53:25.876
You said something earlier.

00:53:25.876 --> 00:53:28.574
It's not going to come back.

00:53:28.574 --> 00:53:35.744
You said something earlier that man I wanted to kind of come back to, because it kind of hit and it's not coming.

00:53:35.744 --> 00:53:37.277
I'm not going to spend any more time, that's okay.

00:53:37.277 --> 00:53:43.016
So, but yeah, I what?

00:53:43.016 --> 00:53:56.811
This might be a little weird question, but and you may have addressed it earlier what things about you have you kind of had in the back of your head, like I wonder if this is going to change about me.

00:53:56.811 --> 00:54:09.932
Am I going to become more of this or less of this as a result of being a mom, and especially again being a mom a little unexpectedly so?

00:54:10.012 --> 00:54:15.474
really soon right and you just weren't prepared for it Is.

00:54:15.474 --> 00:54:18.797
Are there things about you that you're like?

00:54:19.097 --> 00:54:41.947
I really like this about me, and I kind of think it might change went through two healing classes so one virtually one in person, two different leaders and went through a series at our church.

00:54:41.947 --> 00:54:42.768
That was very helpful.

00:54:42.768 --> 00:54:51.934
So before I got married I was very much in a more centered place than I have ever been in my life.

00:54:51.934 --> 00:54:53.938
That could be maturity, but I attribute a lot of it to those healing journeys.

00:54:53.938 --> 00:55:01.101
So I feel good about who I am and where I am and I don't feel like that changes with a child.

00:55:01.101 --> 00:55:04.440
I feel like you impart that into your child.

00:55:04.440 --> 00:55:07.836
But I am very careful that gosh.

00:55:07.836 --> 00:55:16.603
There's certain things I really want him to you know, if you think about a documentary when he gets older and what he says about his mom, that's what I focus on.

00:55:16.603 --> 00:55:23.978
I want him to say my mom hugged me, kissed me and every night told me she loved me, like my mom was my biggest cheerleader.

00:55:23.978 --> 00:55:29.222
You know, you hear those things that people say when they get in the mic and you're like I want to be that mom.

00:55:30.030 --> 00:55:30.409
You know.

00:55:30.409 --> 00:55:32.972
So I'm very intentional with him.

00:55:32.972 --> 00:55:38.117
I have this thing I do with him, and I started doing it when he was a baby Baby.

00:55:38.117 --> 00:55:39.697
He's still a baby, sure, baby, baby.

00:55:39.697 --> 00:55:42.440
It's so funny because he's bigger now and I'm like I want that he's still a baby.

00:55:42.440 --> 00:55:49.206
It's weird, anyway, when he was a baby baby, I do this every single time.

00:55:52.369 --> 00:56:11.199
He starts crying and I wipe his tears and I say mommy wipes the baby's tears every single time, mommy wipes baby's tears, because I want him to have that internalized in him that you can come to your mom, that you can come to, and there's just little things I add into him, just things like that that I hope he'll probably remember something negative.

00:56:11.199 --> 00:56:12.061
I don't know, maybe he'll.

00:56:12.061 --> 00:56:12.791
I hope he doesn't.

00:56:12.791 --> 00:56:24.581
I hope that's not reality, but I had a friend tell me that, no matter what you do with your child, they're going to end up in therapy talking about you, and that's actually freeing, not really scary, it's freeing because it's like, true, you can do your best, it's true.

00:56:24.581 --> 00:56:36.364
I hope, though, he will have so much positive to say about us, about how he's raised, about what we did with him, that he has those little moments that he can take with him.

00:56:37.351 --> 00:56:42.463
One of the nervous things that I probably should have mentioned earlier is we're older.

00:56:42.463 --> 00:56:46.315
At the age I am now, my parents.

00:56:46.315 --> 00:56:50.164
I was 20 years old with my parents or close there.

00:56:50.164 --> 00:56:51.994
I was in high school when they were my age.

00:56:52.896 --> 00:56:54.601
That's surreal, he's six months.

00:56:54.951 --> 00:56:55.597
Man look.

00:56:55.597 --> 00:56:58.393
So when you look down the line I go.

00:56:58.393 --> 00:57:01.259
What can he take with him if I'm not with him?

00:57:01.259 --> 00:57:03.704
That's nervousness for me.

00:57:07.713 --> 00:57:08.114
Pause.

00:57:08.114 --> 00:57:09.574
Hold on, I'm sorry, hold on.

00:57:09.574 --> 00:57:16.101
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off, but hold on no, go ahead, go ahead that is very real.

00:57:16.101 --> 00:57:20.385
Um, that's very real.

00:57:20.385 --> 00:57:25.344
I'll be honest, I don't know that I've heard it articulated quite that way from uh.

00:57:25.344 --> 00:57:29.715
Parents who start their parenting journey a little older what say it?

00:57:29.715 --> 00:57:31.420
Say it again what you have.

00:57:31.460 --> 00:57:36.079
Something to the effect of what can I give him that he can take with him if I'm not with him?

00:57:36.909 --> 00:57:39.177
Oh yeah, when did you start thinking about that?

00:57:39.778 --> 00:57:45.922
Immediately yeah, immediately, because my husband's retiring for the first time 20 years into military.

00:57:45.922 --> 00:57:46.873
He'll obviously retire again.

00:57:46.873 --> 00:57:51.552
He's not going to stop working at the age we are now, but that's the first retirement, all right.

00:57:51.552 --> 00:57:58.456
So we're at the age now where we're looking towards the second retirement, and again at our age.

00:57:58.456 --> 00:58:01.277
Our parents are still, to us, young.

00:58:01.277 --> 00:58:07.710
When he gets our age, with God's grace, we'll still be here.

00:58:08.920 --> 00:58:09.902
We pray all the time.

00:58:09.902 --> 00:58:14.413
Lord, I want to see him through high school and college and marriage and kids.

00:58:14.413 --> 00:58:16.887
I want to see him do that.

00:58:16.887 --> 00:58:20.148
But life is life and none of us know.

00:58:20.148 --> 00:58:29.489
We're life heads and because we're at this age and he's at that age, lord, what can we give him in case we're not with him?

00:58:29.489 --> 00:58:34.030
We've been very intentional every step of the way.

00:58:34.030 --> 00:58:38.630
I'm always pouring in because I have seen some of the best people.

00:58:38.630 --> 00:58:40.786
I don't necessarily consider myself.

00:58:40.786 --> 00:58:42.405
I think people see other people.

00:58:42.405 --> 00:58:44.686
Oh, you always think somebody else is just the best you know.

00:58:44.686 --> 00:59:05.012
So you don't always see yourself like that, but I've seen some of the best people leave here with kids that are six and ten and this and that, and I watch their children, I watch their spouses and I'm like gosh and all you can do is pray with the hope and faith that you'll be here to see it.

00:59:05.012 --> 00:59:06.943
You're going to live to see it.

00:59:06.943 --> 00:59:15.195
But in case God's will is different, what do I give him?

00:59:25.228 --> 00:59:25.889
now that he'll have later.

00:59:25.889 --> 00:59:30.574
And you're making me's.

00:59:30.574 --> 00:59:51.806
My mom is turning 75 this year and I one thing that both her and my father, they were very, very comfortable talking about their death with us, very young, with me, particularly because I'm the oldest.

00:59:51.806 --> 00:59:54.027
They would say it a lot.

00:59:54.027 --> 00:59:56.222
They would.

00:59:56.222 --> 01:00:00.652
You know, to this day, my dad will send a text message if he's in the air.

01:00:00.652 --> 01:00:03.789
You know, this is where all the stuff is Da-da-da-da-da-da-da Right.

01:00:03.789 --> 01:00:08.250
This is what he sent me an email one time, I think I was in college.

01:00:08.250 --> 01:00:11.206
This is what he sent me an email one time, I think I was in college.

01:00:11.226 --> 01:00:12.028
This is what I want a funeral to be like.

01:00:12.028 --> 01:00:12.891
Um, this is the people I want.

01:00:12.891 --> 01:00:13.775
These are songs I want.

01:00:13.775 --> 01:00:14.840
This is the type of casket I want.

01:00:14.840 --> 01:00:16.021
I mean, I have it down to the detail.

01:00:16.021 --> 01:00:17.244
He, this is.

01:00:17.244 --> 01:00:43.900
This has been a recurring and I wonder I think this is partly just because this is their just um, I think their faith is driving most of it um, and but I wonder if some of it, particularly for on my mom's side, was the reality, is I don't know how long, because I'm not 20 something when I'm having you.

01:00:43.900 --> 01:00:56.659
You know, I've never even asked for that I'm don't know, but that perspective is so rich to me because and I'm so grateful that that's why that's not the only thing you can leave with your children, obviously.

01:00:56.659 --> 01:00:57.440
But right.

01:00:57.481 --> 01:01:10.382
But it is a significant thing to your point when, when you're a child and you have no concept, it doesn't even occur to you that that is possible until a certain time in your life, that that is possible until a certain time in your life.

01:01:10.382 --> 01:01:15.012
But the reality is for older parents that that that will, that can.

01:01:15.012 --> 01:01:21.353
There's a higher probability that it comes more quickly than for parents who have children younger.

01:01:21.353 --> 01:01:22.994
That's just, or we could all live to see 95.

01:01:23.054 --> 01:01:26.806
We could, we don't know I mean, you know how.

01:01:27.027 --> 01:01:28.411
How are you going to be at 95?

01:01:28.411 --> 01:01:29.690
And let's be honest, you know what I'm saying.

01:01:30.000 --> 01:01:31.119
Because you probably still can't do that.

01:01:31.119 --> 01:01:33.927
And somewhere in Italy with the other 95-year-olds.

01:01:33.927 --> 01:01:34.389
There you go.

01:01:34.550 --> 01:01:35.844
Right, all two of them.

01:01:35.844 --> 01:01:41.068
So it's just that's such a rich.

01:01:41.068 --> 01:01:42.311
I love that you said that.

01:01:42.311 --> 01:01:47.190
I think that's real and I think that it's a healthy space for a lot of older parents to really be like.

01:01:47.190 --> 01:01:56.094
Space for a lot of older parents to really be like how can I be intentional about pouring into my children as much as I can without knowing?

01:01:56.094 --> 01:02:04.643
Now, that that's healthy, I think, at any point, because, like you say, you never know, you don't know, right, but particularly with older children, anyway, I just that is really good.

01:02:05.163 --> 01:02:25.130
Well, I think it's really more about focusing on the child themselves and so and not really my own or our own mortality right, so really focusing on him, and the thing that I really want more than anything is for him to be prepared.

01:02:25.130 --> 01:02:26.554
That's it.

01:02:27.119 --> 01:02:31.731
I don't necessarily so my mother did so much what your father does.

01:02:31.980 --> 01:02:38.467
Ricky's parents, because I'm the baby, but Ricky's parents because he's the oldest did what your parents do to him making sure he's ready.

01:02:38.467 --> 01:02:39.128
He's prepared.

01:02:39.128 --> 01:02:41.362
My mom really just sends us check-ins.

01:02:41.362 --> 01:02:42.184
Do you know where this is?

01:02:42.184 --> 01:02:43.047
Do you know where that is?

01:02:43.047 --> 01:02:44.701
Do you remember what we told you about this?

01:02:44.701 --> 01:02:49.028
And then we have to kind of spit back out where those things are, just so we know when things happen.

01:02:49.028 --> 01:02:57.784
But again, her thing in doing that is for us, when this, if this happens, when this happens, we don't want you, stressed, we don't want you.

01:02:57.784 --> 01:03:05.380
So we're doing something similar for him Life insurance for him, for us, for this, Like, what do we have in place?

01:03:05.380 --> 01:03:10.351
A trust, a this or whatever it is that we can do at whatever age?

01:03:10.351 --> 01:03:15.954
How do we have it set up so that he doesn't have to worry If something happens?

01:03:15.954 --> 01:03:17.280
Does he have a custodian?

01:03:17.280 --> 01:03:17.940
Does he have a?

01:03:17.940 --> 01:03:20.065
The God's honest truth.

01:03:20.065 --> 01:03:21.969
We fully believe and have hope.

01:03:21.969 --> 01:03:25.201
We'll be here until he has kids.

01:03:26.001 --> 01:03:30.324
But so can we prepare him as much as possible.

01:03:30.324 --> 01:03:36.148
And so preparation is one thing for him, but the second thing is, how do we establish in him Right?

01:03:37.208 --> 01:03:39.911
No matter how many siblings or if he has siblings.

01:03:41.090 --> 01:03:53.960
How can we instill in him a sense of self and a sense of not really autonomy, but, gosh, just self-awareness, self, just pride.

01:03:53.960 --> 01:04:04.554
What can we instill in him that he can stand on his own and that if he's in this world, we know he's okay and we're proud of him.

01:04:04.554 --> 01:04:09.871
And we know he's okay Because the world is crazy and there are things we cannot protect him from.

01:04:09.871 --> 01:04:15.831
It's really great to understand the limits of your control, so you can place things in God's hands that belong there.

01:04:16.152 --> 01:04:16.434
Yeah.

01:04:16.579 --> 01:04:19.851
But the things that we can control, we really do try to, and so that's just one.

01:04:19.851 --> 01:04:21.346
We just try to be intentional about that.

01:04:25.228 --> 01:04:26.190
So let's end on this.

01:04:26.190 --> 01:04:33.344
I want you to just talk to people who could be in your shoes, in my shoes.

01:04:33.344 --> 01:04:46.414
They're a little older, had an established life before, kind of got their world turned around real quick with this addition of multiple humans that they now have to be aware of every day, right, um?

01:04:46.414 --> 01:04:50.456
So what are some things that you would encourage them?

01:04:50.456 --> 01:04:52.577
And I don't know.

01:04:52.577 --> 01:04:54.224
Okay, I'm going to combine these two questions.

01:04:54.264 --> 01:05:29.769
I did one you talked about this healing journey, but maybe this is, maybe it's gonna be one in two, one one, one of the same question and how you, uh, a lot of the things about yourself you have kind of learned to accept and understand and like love, um, and that's not something you really, but it's because you were going through this, this healing journey what, how would you encourage women, uh, who are headed to this part of their life, to heal, and what, what things would you encourage them to unlearn of, like, just to prepare for what might be coming?

01:05:30.471 --> 01:05:33.195
Oh gosh, I want to make this so quick.

01:05:34.601 --> 01:05:35.362
Boy, that was heavy.

01:05:36.545 --> 01:05:44.744
First thing I will say to anyone, any woman who is out there, who is successful, who is thriving, who is striving, who is single or dating or getting married, is married.

01:05:44.744 --> 01:05:56.971
Whoever you are, if you're out there and you believe the best of yourself and that you're amazing because you are, and that you are excellent and you've got your teeth crossed and your eyes dotted and everything is buttoned up, it's not.

01:05:59.442 --> 01:06:00.425
Good Release that.

01:06:00.425 --> 01:06:05.322
Yes, yes, absolutely Sincerely, it's not.

01:06:06.403 --> 01:06:06.764
It's not.

01:06:06.764 --> 01:06:13.195
There are things that we have grown up with that we cannot see.

01:06:13.195 --> 01:06:15.384
They are blind spots.

01:06:15.384 --> 01:06:27.134
We have roots, what we're taught in one of our healing classes trees and fruit, and a lot of the roots allowed us to create things in our tree to hold the fruit.

01:06:27.134 --> 01:06:47.650
But there were some roots we never needed, should have never experienced, went through and did the best we could and we have created these trees around these roots that we no longer need and we have personalities and attitudes and nuances and things that come up because of roots that we don't need right now.

01:06:47.650 --> 01:06:49.496
Wow, quickly.

01:06:49.775 --> 01:07:00.829
There was a toxic environment that I had as a child in some instances, and I didn't realize that the communication styles that were around me were because of the toxicity.

01:07:00.829 --> 01:07:07.309
I took those communication styles into a healthy environment and didn't understand why people didn't receive me.

01:07:07.309 --> 01:07:16.664
But when I became another version of myself even before healing, another version of myself and I went back into that environment, I recognized it was toxic.

01:07:16.664 --> 01:07:22.266
But I also recognized why and because I didn't have the, why I didn't need the toxicity.

01:07:22.266 --> 01:07:24.907
That's something you have to unlearn.

01:07:24.907 --> 01:07:28.210
I didn't need it because the reason wasn't there.

01:07:28.210 --> 01:07:28.824
It was toxic because of this.

01:07:28.824 --> 01:07:29.367
But if I don't have a this.

01:07:29.367 --> 01:07:30.355
I didn't need it because the reason wasn't there.

01:07:30.355 --> 01:07:30.958
It was toxic because of this.

01:07:30.958 --> 01:07:33.847
But if I don't have a this, I don't need to be toxic.

01:07:33.847 --> 01:07:37.143
They probably don't either, but they're trying to make it through right, that's a tree and a root.

01:07:37.143 --> 01:07:41.012
So my thing is there's so many of us that do that.

01:07:41.159 --> 01:08:01.731
I talked to so many women who are on a relationship journey that I was just recently on, just came out of in marriage that always believed they were good and it's always the other person and you are good and you're amazing, but you got some roots that you don't really need the trees.

01:08:01.731 --> 01:08:07.168
You have fruit that's hanging that people are trying to show you are not as healthy as you think.

01:08:07.168 --> 01:08:11.086
That's good and it's a blind spot and you can't see it because who you are not as healthy as you think.

01:08:11.086 --> 01:08:15.833
And it's a blind spot and you can't see it because who you are, you've been able to use who you are to get to where you are.

01:08:15.833 --> 01:08:18.180
But you could also do it differently.

01:08:18.180 --> 01:08:26.786
And I use this example not to embarrass anyone and say anything, but because it helped me in life.

01:08:27.469 --> 01:08:36.752
There was an instance where I was helping a young lady who was a really phenomenal track runner and we got to a point where they were trying to change the way they run.

01:08:36.752 --> 01:08:42.730
This has happened to multiple young ladies that I know, by the way, but they were trying to change the way that they ran.

01:08:42.730 --> 01:08:54.423
And how they ran before was amazing, like record breaking and you know getting awards and certificates and all the things.

01:08:54.423 --> 01:09:04.603
But when they got into another setting they couldn't run like that and what they were trying to teach them was hey, in this setting, if you run like that, you're going to hurt yourself.

01:09:04.603 --> 01:09:05.945
You got to change your gait.

01:09:05.945 --> 01:09:10.189
Cece Winans just went to vocal class like for the first time, and the woman had been singing.

01:09:10.189 --> 01:09:12.006
Who thinks CeCe Winans just went to vocal class like for the first time and the woman been singing?

01:09:12.501 --> 01:09:14.127
Who thinks CeCe Winans need a vocal class.

01:09:14.146 --> 01:09:14.427
That's real.

01:09:14.900 --> 01:09:16.957
She wants to not hurt her voice.

01:09:17.038 --> 01:09:17.159
Yeah.

01:09:17.420 --> 01:09:21.644
Hey, at this age and stage, if you keep doing that, it's going to injure this.

01:09:21.644 --> 01:09:37.056
So I think, as we grow as women, when you get to a certain stage in life, you have to realize if you keep doing it like that, like you've done for 20 years and 10 years and five years, it's going to injure something and it could very well injure a relationship.

01:09:37.056 --> 01:09:47.001
Yeah, and so if this is what you're pursuing, or your child, this is what you're pursuing and what you want, healing I cannot say enough about it Offline.

01:09:47.001 --> 01:09:48.684
I'll tell you which classes I went to.

01:09:48.684 --> 01:09:54.373
I recommend everyone join at least one and be intentional about about being on your healing journey.

01:09:54.373 --> 01:10:04.701
And then your second question was about Uh-huh Unlearning Like what things would you?

01:10:04.720 --> 01:10:13.690
encourage women to unlearn Both like as they are making the shift, like it would be helpful for you to unlearn these things if this is a shift in your life you expect to make.

01:10:14.430 --> 01:10:17.654
Yeah, oh gosh, I'm going to have to.

01:10:17.654 --> 01:10:56.539
We're going to have to do that on another podcast, but let me, let me just say this, because, listen, that could have started at the beginning of this one no-transcript.

01:10:56.539 --> 01:10:57.841
Somebody else might.

01:10:58.542 --> 01:10:59.826
Interesting.

01:10:59.826 --> 01:11:01.729
That's really a saying.

01:11:02.110 --> 01:11:03.113
Somebody else might.

01:11:03.113 --> 01:11:06.286
Yeah, something random that you're like.

01:11:06.286 --> 01:11:13.220
Why is that an issue Right Could be random that you're like.

01:11:13.220 --> 01:11:14.042
Why is that issue Could be?

01:11:14.042 --> 01:11:17.610
Men don't always identify as frequently issues in women, unless there's some kind of, like I said, toxicity there.

01:11:17.610 --> 01:11:37.193
Don't always identify as frequently issues in their partners as much as women do with them and it's very helpful to know that just because it's not spoken doesn't mean it's not seen, and so I would unlearn the fact that we have to be teachers in all settings, because you don't have to.

01:11:39.581 --> 01:11:55.606
You could really just introduce yourself to people and let people be people, as there being people encourage, support and pull out their best self in a way that's not teaching, preaching or like scolding.

01:11:55.606 --> 01:12:01.273
I think there's a level of being best friends with my husband that was really helpful for that.

01:12:01.273 --> 01:12:02.503
This is going to be so funny.

01:12:02.503 --> 01:12:04.911
Gosh Lord, have mercy, but I'm going to say it anyway.

01:12:04.911 --> 01:12:07.426
I watch a lot of different shows.

01:12:07.667 --> 01:12:10.206
Okay, I watch old movies from 19,.

01:12:10.206 --> 01:12:10.788
Whatever 18s and on up.

01:12:10.788 --> 01:12:11.752
I watch a lot of different shows.

01:12:11.752 --> 01:12:12.756
Yes, okay, I watch old movies from 19,.

01:12:12.756 --> 01:12:13.337
Whatever 18s and on up.

01:12:13.337 --> 01:12:13.859
I watch a lot of shows.

01:12:13.859 --> 01:12:19.054
Yes, the show I lean on before I got married, before I was dating my spouse who's the Boss?

01:12:19.655 --> 01:12:20.337
I love that show.

01:12:20.337 --> 01:12:20.819
Love that show.

01:12:20.819 --> 01:12:22.002
Don't ask me why I love that show.

01:12:22.002 --> 01:12:23.426
Excellent show, I love that show.

01:12:23.929 --> 01:12:24.631
I love it too.

01:12:24.631 --> 01:12:34.171
The thing that I really loved he was from Brooklyn, I think.

01:12:34.171 --> 01:12:37.141
She was an ad exec in Connecticut and she never tried to change him.

01:12:37.141 --> 01:12:39.003
She never tried to change him.

01:12:39.003 --> 01:12:41.426
She loved him as he was.

01:12:41.426 --> 01:12:45.231
There were times she was a little embarrassed, but she never told him to stop being him.

01:12:45.231 --> 01:12:53.203
It was the most unique thing and I was like she loved this man for who he was.

01:12:53.203 --> 01:12:54.385
I will never forget that.

01:12:54.385 --> 01:13:04.301
I took that with me and I said, lord, if you send me someone, help me to see who they are, not who.

01:13:04.301 --> 01:13:04.502
I think.

01:13:04.502 --> 01:13:06.685
Oh, this would fit better with me, I think you need to be, or this would be an easier thing.

01:13:06.704 --> 01:13:07.865
I think it doesn't have to be easier.

01:13:07.865 --> 01:13:11.190
It doesn't have to be Let me love this person because, guess what?

01:13:11.190 --> 01:13:13.533
I'm asking you to do that for me.

01:13:13.753 --> 01:13:17.171
Yeah, that's right, I'm asking you to love me as I am.

01:13:17.171 --> 01:13:20.421
So we have to unlearn the fact that we have to teach everybody to be who they need to be.

01:13:20.421 --> 01:13:30.309
We don't have to make them over actually, we can always see better in their future and encourage them but we don't have to push them Again.

01:13:30.309 --> 01:13:31.729
We got to give God something to do.

01:13:31.729 --> 01:13:32.530
That's right.

01:13:32.530 --> 01:13:37.595
So at some point and listen.

01:13:37.595 --> 01:13:52.349
That's not easy to sit and watch, right, but if you're both healed, I can hear you and you can hear me and we can have this conversation and dialogue.

01:13:52.349 --> 01:13:54.516
And you don't feel like I'm pressing on you and I don't feel like you're rejecting me.

01:13:54.516 --> 01:13:56.101
I can feel like we're having a conversation.

01:13:56.101 --> 01:14:07.309
You met me where you are, I'm speaking to you where I am and we may not be in the same point, so we'll have it again another time and maybe we'll meet at that point at another level and then we'll understand each other.

01:14:07.369 --> 01:14:15.192
On this point again, like unlearn, the fact that it just has to be easy and in some ways, you're saying it has to be your way.

01:14:15.192 --> 01:14:15.773
That's right.

01:14:15.773 --> 01:14:20.170
You don't think you're saying that, but what you're saying is I need it this way.

01:14:20.170 --> 01:14:29.649
Well, if you need it that way, at some point in the future you will be able to custom, make and create, but right now 2025, you can't.

01:14:29.649 --> 01:14:38.930
And people come to you as people, as flawed people, with hurts and trials and triumphs and successes and victories.

01:14:38.930 --> 01:14:42.021
They want to be celebrated like you want to be celebrated.

01:14:42.021 --> 01:14:46.150
They want to be not held.

01:14:46.150 --> 01:14:46.953
What am I trying to say?

01:14:47.012 --> 01:14:57.702
They want to be cared for and the things that you want to be cared for about like everybody, is coming to you as a human being and to have this idea as women that we have.

01:14:57.702 --> 01:15:00.168
I'm going to stop here because you know I can talk about this all day.

01:15:00.168 --> 01:15:06.109
But, to have this idea, as women that we have, that the man is there to save our day.

01:15:06.109 --> 01:15:10.556
We have literally given him a job that he did not apply for.

01:15:10.556 --> 01:15:18.170
And isn't qualified for he's coming to be your partner your spouse, your friend, your lover.

01:15:18.671 --> 01:15:22.122
He's coming to be that as he is.

01:15:22.122 --> 01:15:32.755
But we've given prerequisites for everything, and then we have a very detailed job description that they didn't sign off on?

01:15:32.835 --> 01:15:38.288
No, they did not, so you got to let grow with them and let them.

01:15:38.548 --> 01:15:40.774
So that's a part I would unlearn the teaching.

01:15:40.774 --> 01:15:47.724
I would not be I tell my husband this all the time If he had met me prior to my healing journey, we would not be married.

01:15:47.724 --> 01:16:04.775
I would have already driven him away, like already, and, truth be told, I probably wouldn't have wanted I'd be like you need to be like this, but that comes from having that's you said earlier an element of control.

01:16:04.775 --> 01:16:21.569
There are things that you have in place to protect you from things that you no longer need protection from, but if you don't get healed from that, those trees remain, that mindset remains and that fruit remains and it will prevent you from moving forward.

01:16:21.569 --> 01:16:23.052
So that's what I would say.

01:16:26.162 --> 01:16:26.722
I hate that.

01:16:26.722 --> 01:16:30.932
I should have had you on the unlearning marriage when we going to do that again.

01:16:30.932 --> 01:16:41.087
We're going to do it again because I just feel like there's a lot that we could talk about in that, but I think everything you said also applies to children.

01:16:41.087 --> 01:17:04.981
Yes, it does Right, and and, and it's one of those things that you know you know, obviously, every, every child is not raised by married parents, but if they are, if that that understanding absolutely translates and it's so necessary to understand within the context of your relationship with your spouse, so that it can transfer to your child.

01:17:05.684 --> 01:17:22.423
Um, and, and I think, like I love that because children, there's a lot of things that teach us and yeah, we got to teach and train children, but it doesn't always have to be with through my words and through like it.

01:17:22.423 --> 01:17:23.967
There are, there are multiple ways.

01:17:23.967 --> 01:17:26.301
Environments teach us more than I think anything else.

01:17:26.301 --> 01:17:42.154
And so what is creating the right environment mean for teaching, and not just trying to create a sliver of space and say, okay, this is the time I'm teaching you and da, da, da, da, da da, okay cool, and so we need to do that and understand.

01:17:42.154 --> 01:17:52.935
So, and I guess, when you're saying like you don't always have to be teachers when it comes to children, I think we are just not always in the way we think we are.

01:17:53.435 --> 01:17:58.805
I mean my mom said this one day Okay, somebody said this one day.

01:17:58.805 --> 01:18:00.911
Too late, too late, it's done.

01:18:00.911 --> 01:18:08.247
My mom said this one day she wanted us to go ahead and say she's very proud of Mike.

01:18:08.247 --> 01:18:08.979
He's five months old, she thinks the world of him and he can do anything.

01:18:08.979 --> 01:18:09.577
She wanted us to go ahead and say she's very proud of Mike.

01:18:09.577 --> 01:18:09.804
He's five months old.

01:18:09.920 --> 01:18:12.027
She thinks the world of him and he can do anything.

01:18:12.046 --> 01:18:14.905
She's a first-time grandparent and she loves it.

01:18:14.905 --> 01:18:21.305
She's such a great grandma, but she said this one time she's like we need to start teaching him.

01:18:21.305 --> 01:18:23.751
I want to wait to see his learning style.

01:18:23.751 --> 01:18:24.752
I'm watching him.

01:18:25.199 --> 01:18:25.579
Watch him.

01:18:25.579 --> 01:18:26.100
That's right.

01:18:26.100 --> 01:18:27.100
That's all I'm saying.

01:18:27.360 --> 01:18:33.905
I want to let him be him before I impose upon him something that may not fit him and his learning style.

01:18:33.905 --> 01:18:51.778
That's how it translates that I am watching him intently to see what he does, how he pays attention, what he picks up on, so that I can teach him in a way he best learns, as opposed to scolding him for not learning the way I choose to teach him.

01:18:54.104 --> 01:18:54.364
Correct.

01:18:54.364 --> 01:19:08.961
It's a different framework and I love that and I think again, you create the environment for discovery and that is its own teaching of even how he approaches things.

01:19:08.961 --> 01:19:21.485
Hey, before you and new environments, watch first before you say anything, like when he feels that from you and from his parents, from his house, we watch before we speak, like you know we do that.

01:19:21.485 --> 01:19:23.283
That's how we do, that's the culture you set up.

01:19:23.283 --> 01:19:24.087
It's a different mindset.

01:19:24.087 --> 01:19:24.507
I love that.

01:19:24.507 --> 01:19:44.326
I just got to say this man, like we said at the beginning, me and Erica have known each other for a long time and I gotta be, I gotta say this.

01:19:44.326 --> 01:19:51.061
I'm gonna say this publicly, I don't care, I mean, I'm gonna say this to you because it's just us Um each other and we were very different people and we have seen each other.

01:19:51.604 --> 01:20:01.787
It is so refreshing, and I think it's a testament to time and growth and the Lord, that you don't have to be who you were 20 years ago.

01:20:01.787 --> 01:20:04.752
That's not a reality, right?

01:20:04.752 --> 01:20:06.442
You don't have to do that because I'm with you.

01:20:06.442 --> 01:20:09.087
If my husband had met me three or four years ago, he wouldn't have wanted me.

01:20:09.087 --> 01:20:11.069
You know what I'm saying.

01:20:11.069 --> 01:20:19.448
I mean, at any other point in my life really, I mean it just wouldn't have, it wouldn't have worked.

01:20:19.689 --> 01:20:34.247
And so I think, just recognizing that, like, change is real and it's possible, and it's possible for you, like, and and I think it's, it's, it's an openness to it.

01:20:34.247 --> 01:20:36.653
And is it hard?

01:20:36.653 --> 01:20:53.592
Yeah, like, it ain't easy, it's very hard, but I, I think you know I'm saying I've seen it, I see it in you, I see it in myself, and it's really cool to see where God has us now.

01:20:53.592 --> 01:21:04.550
I can't say 10 years, I mean 10 years ago there's I would never, you could never have told me this would have been my life and you know, really truly didn't see it.

01:21:04.550 --> 01:21:11.652
But the guy has has a different way of you know, we discover our stories.

01:21:11.652 --> 01:21:13.055
They've already been written, right.

01:21:13.055 --> 01:21:16.368
So, um, so yeah, I just want to say that out loud.

01:21:16.608 --> 01:21:20.507
I appreciate that it's true, and that's something everyone else can know too.

01:21:20.507 --> 01:21:22.667
You can unlearn the fact that this is just who I am.

01:21:23.159 --> 01:21:23.921
I am who I am.

01:21:24.001 --> 01:21:35.993
You can unlearn that you can learn that I think when you think, when you are striving to be your best self, when you learn that that's not your best self, then you work to become what a better version of yourself is.

01:21:35.993 --> 01:21:38.436
That's correct, and I think that's what I was saying earlier too.

01:21:38.436 --> 01:21:43.890
Like you don't always realize that's not it, like I think our parents are being the best version of themselves at that time.

01:21:43.890 --> 01:21:55.277
You said earlier, the more you have kids, they get another version of you which may be hopefully a better version of you as you continue to move down the line with children.

01:21:55.277 --> 01:21:58.952
But I do think that's worth unlearning that I just am who I am and people just have to.

01:21:58.952 --> 01:22:00.338
They can't accept you.

01:22:00.338 --> 01:22:01.182
They could choose not to.

01:22:01.182 --> 01:22:02.188
That's also their choice.

01:22:02.188 --> 01:22:09.846
Or you could choose to see if there's anything better you could be, because there's never a place called there you never reached like, oh, here I'm my best self.

01:22:09.926 --> 01:22:15.494
That's yeah, subjective, I, I there's a guy named myron golden and I.

01:22:15.494 --> 01:22:19.404
I know we have to stop, but I just we all end on this um, what is he?

01:22:19.404 --> 01:22:27.283
He says um, you, anybody, is doing all they can do with the person they are right now.

01:22:27.283 --> 01:22:29.131
Everyone is doing all they can do with the person they are right now.

01:22:29.131 --> 01:22:31.520
Everyone is doing all they can do with who you are right now.

01:22:31.520 --> 01:22:33.987
If you want to do more, you have to become somebody different.

01:22:33.987 --> 01:22:37.581
That's just reality.

01:22:37.581 --> 01:22:40.606
So you're doing your best with who you are.

01:22:41.287 --> 01:22:41.469
Right.

01:22:41.748 --> 01:22:58.199
But there is, if you, if you want more, you have to be, become more, and that is a journey, and I think, like this, you know this conversation and and and, and you know people who find themselves in very, very different seasons of life and different.

01:22:58.199 --> 01:23:01.188
You know which we all do, um, in order to meet that.

01:23:01.188 --> 01:23:02.872
You do have to become a different.

01:23:02.872 --> 01:23:06.627
You have to become different, um, in order to do that.

01:23:06.627 --> 01:23:09.252
So, anyway, man, thank you for being here.

01:23:10.180 --> 01:23:11.082
I'm glad you had me.

01:23:11.082 --> 01:23:11.545
This is fun.

01:23:11.545 --> 01:23:13.671
I love the podcast, so it was a blessing to be on it.

01:23:13.671 --> 01:23:14.904
Thanks again for the invitation.

01:23:15.225 --> 01:23:16.448
Absolutely All right.

01:23:16.448 --> 01:23:21.934
Y'all Download, subscribe, do all the things we love y'all.

01:23:21.934 --> 01:23:22.979
We're growing the community.

01:23:22.979 --> 01:23:24.041
We want you to be a part of it.

01:23:24.041 --> 01:23:29.368
If this was helpful or if this was eye-opening for you or somebody else, don't keep it to yourself.

01:23:29.368 --> 01:23:31.351
Share it and we will see you next week.

01:23:31.351 --> 01:23:36.885
Let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom, Peace.

01:23:36.885 --> 01:23:44.275
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:23:44.275 --> 01:23:48.470
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:23:48.470 --> 01:23:55.228
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:23:55.228 --> 01:24:01.569
We're looking forward to the next time, when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:24:01.569 --> 01:24:02.471
See you then.