Transcript
WEBVTT
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Hello everyone and welcome to the Unlearned Podcast.
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I'm your host, ruth Abigail Smith, and you have stumbled upon a podcast that is here to help you gain the courage to change your mind, and today we have the privilege of speaking with genuinely one of my favorite people.
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I don't call everybody this, but this man truly is my big brother and I'm so grateful for him.
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If you are listening from Memphis, you probably know who he is.
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You certainly know where he works.
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He is the executive director of Streets Ministries and he has been doing ministry in Memphis for quite some time, born and raised.
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He's going to tell you all that himself and talk a little bit about who he is, but this man's name is Eric Ballantyne.
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Mr Ballantyne, welcome to the Unlearned Podcast.
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Ruth Abigail, how are you today?
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I'm great man it's good to be with you Likewise.
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Yeah, this is exciting.
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This is truly my sister.
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I mean truly, we siblings for real.
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For real.
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I mean we behave like siblings, Absolutely.
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So just be warned, Be forewarned.
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We didn't prepare too much for this Right.
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We didn't want to, so this is going to be a great conversation.
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I'm particularly excited about this conversation because, Eric, you're an executive director of a long-lasting that's not the word I'm looking for a very prominent nonprofit in the city, and so you speak all the time.
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I mean, you speak about ministry and you speak about young people and you do that right.
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So if you're in Memphis and local, you've probably heard him or you've heard something he said.
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He's done music, so his voice is not unknown to the city.
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But what I'm excited about today is we're going to dig into some stuff he doesn't normally talk about.
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Right.
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We're going to dig we're going to dig, and I'm excited because we get to talk to Eric the man, not Eric the director, right, and I like that.
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And so I want us to just start with.
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I'd love just for you to introduce yourself to the people, tell them what it is that's interesting about you, where you grew up, a little bit of your story, how in the world you got to this place, and then we'll just dig a little bit.
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All right, Thanks again.
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Story how in the world you got to this place, and then we'll just dig a little bit.
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All right, Thanks again.
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So honored to be here on the Unlearned podcast tonight and just to share a little bit of who I am and hopefully we can glean from each other tonight.
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I'm from Memphis, a native Memphian born and raised here.
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As of a week or so ago, I've been here 46 years.
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Come on 46.
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So that's my entire life right and I love Memphis.
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Born and raised in the south part of Memphis, affectionately known as South.
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Memphis South Memphis sure, and youngest of seven, youngest of seven.
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My mom, beautiful mom, now is 76.
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And her baby boy is 46.
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It's weird, so weird, but she's beautiful as ever, healthy, doing fine, and all of my siblings are still here in town.
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Wow.
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And just give you the roots of that.
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My mama has seven children, 21 grandchildren and 23 great-grands.
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And they're all here.
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No, they're everywhere oh they're everywhere, okay, okay, all over the world.
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Wow Ireland somewhere.
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But no yeah, but, yeah, the grands and the great-grands a nice portion of them are here, Wow, but they're like scattered all over the United States, but all of my siblings are here in the city.
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So, yeah, been married to my lovely wife, barbara now for 20 years.
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Yes, 20 years of marriage going on 40, right, and 20 years of being happily married and we have three children.
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So, yeah, okay, yeah, cool man, that's me in a nutshell.
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I love it, I love it, I love it, I yeah, okay, yeah, cool man.
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That's me in a nutshell.
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I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it.
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So all right.
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So you're married, have three children.
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How old were you when you got married?
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Well, you said 20 years.
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I was 20.
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I should do math.
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Yeah, I was 25 when.
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I got married, 25 when you got married, 25 when you got married, and so so I'm going on 21.
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So, of course, Right, okay, yeah, 21 years, okay.
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So yeah, because this is kind of leading us into where we want to go right, it's just kind of learning a little bit about who you are, who you have been as a husband, as a father, as a man out here in these Memphis streets doing your life, right.
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So tell us, just tell us, a little bit of that experience, right, kind of start where you want to start with that.
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Tell us a little bit.
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Okay, I guess more about my upbringing, about your upbringing.
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Or marriage more so.
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Yeah about your upbringing, about my upbringing, about your upbringing About marriage.
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More so, yeah about your upbringing.
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So share with us a little bit about who Eric was as a young man, husband, father.
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Okay, got you.
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Okay.
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Well, for me I mentioned at the age of 25 is when I got married, and for some people they're like that's young, that's's young, that's so young.
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But I felt old at 25 because I literally jumped off the porch pretty early, when I was about 12-ish or 13,.
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I started doing big boy things and got involved in a lot of the streets, gangs, drugs, stuff like that.
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So by the time I was 16, you know, I thought I was grown.
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You know what I'm saying.
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So at 25, I was OG to me, you know, and to some others, you know, like man, you know, he'd been there, done that already, and so I was ready to settle down by that time.
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Her and I had been dating for at that time, right at three years, and she entered into the relationship with a biological daughter Okay, at that time was four years old, okay, and I had a biological son, okay, who was three months.
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Oh, wow, yeah, wow, when we, you know, like real talk, when we met and I was living fast, yeah, and then we had a son together, yeah, yeah.
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Wow, right Okay.
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Yeah, all right, so let's talk about that.
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So both of you had children going into the marriage.
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Going into the marriage or the relationship?
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Well, coming into the relationship, Coming into the relationship.
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Okay, so you both had children coming into the relationship and then you had a child together.
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So talk about a little bit that experience navigating, blending a family.
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I had no idea.
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She had no idea.
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Yeah, we just you know we were in love, right, yeah, and all we know is you know we love each other.
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And I really didn't know anything about being a father, being a parent.
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I grew up pretty much in a single-parent home.
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Youngest of seven, my mom thought it would be better for me to live with my grandparents, so I was technically raised primarily by my grandmother.
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My grandfather died in a car accident when I was six, so I stayed with my grandmother.
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So I was slick the only child for a second there.
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I could put my Kool-Aid in the refrigerator and nobody drink it right, Sure, sure.
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But I was the only kid for a minute, and then my grandmother was just very kind, loving, so she adopted another family.
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Wow.
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There was another family in the community and this lady was very ill, like stage four cancer, and her children had been in the system.
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Some and her and my grandma had become friends and she was like, hey, I'm dying, become friends.
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And she was like, hey, you know I'm dying and but I want my kids to stay together.
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Wow.
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You know, will you promise me that you'll keep my family?
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My grandma said yes, so she took her four kids into our house and they became my siblings.
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Wow, so my family was blended all around, you know, and?
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And the lady was white and the kid's father was African-American.
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Okay.
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So yeah, wait a minute, all right so all right, so there's a lot going on.
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Right, yeah, right.
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So how old were you when they moved in?
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I'm not mistaken, I had to be around 10.
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Okay.
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I would say around 9 or 10.
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Okay, and they were much older than me, you know well.
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Yeah, back then it seemed like they were grown, they were like 16.
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Oh, they were really.
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Yeah, 16, 15, 16.
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Okay, One was maybe 20.
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Oh, 16.
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One was maybe 20.
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Oh, wow.
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And they were very well known in the community.
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One of them, particularly the one that I wanted to be just like Chris, was like man.
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He was that winsome guy was like man, he was that winsome guy.
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What's funny is in the hood you're super light-skinned, with good hair.
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You're a nickname, white boy.
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So Chris was white boy and everybody loved Chris.
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Everybody loved white boy.
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White boy, chris, that's his name.
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Everybody knew him as that and he was just one of those guys who was charismatic, loving, funny.
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But he was feared.
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He was like man.
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He just had this anger and this rage from his experiences as a child and even trying to process the death of his mom and the fact that his dad was not in his life and that he had to go through this system.
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You know all of the porter leaves, the tall trees, secs, dogwoods, any system you can think of, fostering, whatever.
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He went through a lot of that and he had a lot of rage and bitterness, but he was the one that I loved the most and I kind of wanted to be like him.
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So when I jumped off that porch, I jumped off the porch with intentions of becoming him.
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You know, just being honest.
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Yeah, no, that's good.
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So your experience is really you've got a blended experience from a lot of different angles.
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Right, right.
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And all right.
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So I want to talk a little bit more about jumping off the porch, because I think that that is a well, that's key to your story, right, right.
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And I love how you kind of said in the beginning 25 for you was like- Retired Right, you were retired right yeah.
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So tell me if I'm wrong.
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Like your perspective on life may have been a little bit more, would you call it more mature than most 25-year-olds because of your experience, or is that accurate?
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Yeah, I think that's accurate.
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Okay, again, by 25, I had done more than most and I thought what's weird is, at 25, for me, all of the things I had been involved in and had experienced, I thought I was this guy, I thought this was my identity, what I saw in my brother Right, I wanted to be that and I thought that was authentic manhood, I guess I can say, and it was not until I accepted Christ at 25 and started surrounding myself around some men who were imitating Christ that I really found out that, hey, I have no idea what I'm doing here and I had to kind of relearn, unlearn what I thought was authentic manhood and then learn what true manhood would.
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At the same time, while I'm trying to figure out this parenting thing and being a husband right, wow, right, because all I had was my experiences, what I've seen, and my dad I lost him in 2014.
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Great man, we had a great relationship, but early on and I'm an open book, so the way I was conceived was out of wedlock, you know, my dad was married and stepped out.
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Yeah, and here I am right.
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Yeah, and as a kid, you don't know that.
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As a kid, all you know is, hey, that's dad, that's mom Right.
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Why can't I go to that house, right, right, that's dad, that's mom Right.
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Why can't I go to that house, right, right.
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So some of those childhood experiences, you know, when I started to mature and go through my adolescence or whatever, some of those things were brought to my attention, right, like, oh, this happened, oh, that's why I couldn't go here, oh, that's why that lady looked at me like that, and so all that bitterness that I told you my brother, had I had my adopted brother, had I began to have that bitterness toward my biological father, yeah, even toward my grandmother who raised me, why you didn't tell me, you know just so many other things that just created somewhat of a monster.
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I guess I can say, yeah, because what you would do is you'd take it out on anybody.
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You can right your frustration, so yeah.
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So you well, here's the thing, right, you were challenged to emulate something that you hadn't been practicing.
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Pretty quickly, right, right, and you had to work through all of this stuff to get to this point to you know, to, to, to function as a man, right, and the, the way that you had learned, like you said, manhood was different than how you had been introduced to it in your old age of 25.
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Right.
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Um and so how, how did that that unlearning manhood process look?
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What?
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What were some examples of what that looked like?
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Oh, man, one thing was learning how to control your emotions, learning conflict resolution, you know, because you used to handle this stuff this way Right, this way Right.
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But when you started to really learn about true, authentic man, biblical man, who's a, you know, real man?
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Fight on the knees.
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You know, we don't take it to our, you know, to the fist, but for me I had to kind of get over the anger stuff, work some stuff out with myself.
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But, mind you, I'm trying to do all of this.
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So all of my old ways of getting money, my old ways of handling my disputes, yep, all ways of everything, how I navigated right, matriculated through the era of my life in that I'm still trying to figure out how to be a parent, and that was the piece for me.
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So I probably made a ton of mistakes.
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I did the best I could, but I started to model myself.
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But the transition for me was watching again, men of God that I looked up to.
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I watched how they handled their wives, how they treated them with class and respect, how they nurtured their kids, their relationship.
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I kind of watched how they disciplined their children.
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Yeah.
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Because I didn't want to again my childhood experiences to totally influence how I handled my children.
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If that makes sense, correct, there were some great elements of it, I think.
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One thing I can say I hope I'm not getting ahead here but one thing with my dad.
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Again, he was not there in the house with me, but I think about it.
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I saw him two days a week.
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He bought all my school stuff.
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He was very loving to me.
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I just couldn't go to his house and I got something to say about that later on when you're talking about bleeding the families.
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But I couldn't go to his house because his wife didn't accept me.
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She knew about me but she didn't accept me.
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And so he told me in his latter years we were talking.
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One day he said son, he said man, I made a lot of mistakes.
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He said, but one thing I didn't do, I didn't deny you, and I had to agree with him with that, because I mean all throughout my childhood I had a dad.
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I knew I had a dad.
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I didn't know the dad's supposed to be in the house, I just knew, hey, he'd take care of me, he'd come over here.
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He even disciplined me and that's something that I learned from him about discipline.
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People have different views on spanking your kid.
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Or do you put him in the corner time out, or whatever.
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I got spankings, but I didn't get beatings.
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I got spankings.
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My dad was a truck driver, so he's in and out of town or whatever and I'm just a boy, I'm trying to set the big wheel on fire.
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I'm just crazy.
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So my grandmother would tell my dad and I'm like, oh Lord, he coming.
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So when he would pull up in the truck, I'm like, oh, okay, but he would come in spend quality time with my grandmother.
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Then he would call me in, he would discuss the situation with me in front of my grandmother, calmly, never raise his voice, and I was super intimidated because it was my dad, but I wasn't afraid he's going to kill me right now.
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I knew I was in trouble, but even before he would spank me, he would sit down and explain to me why Wow, you can't do this, and that's something that I'll never forget.
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So I was like, okay, in this parenting thing, I know my kid's going to do some crazy stuff, yeah, and there may be some times where I may have to discipline them like that, but I want to do it like he did.
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You know what I mean, so that was a good takeaway.
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So that's one man that I watched and learned some things from, and then my pastor and other people that I had an opportunity to do.
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That's beautiful.
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That's a beautiful picture of fatherhood.
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You said something you know that you could never go to him Right, Right, Right to him.
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Right.
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Right, right.
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So so this and and so there was a, so I guess the a difference right of fatherhood being the fatherhood you experienced, of, like you said, two days a week versus seven days a week.
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Right In the home Right.
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Right there with you Are there some immediate differences that you saw as a father, that you realized was a different experience you had as a kid.
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Right, I guess, comically.
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First I'd say, get on your nerves.
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I see why.
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I see why you let me come to you.
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No, I'm just joking.
00:20:35.468 --> 00:20:45.411
But no, my kids had, all three of them had.
00:20:45.891 --> 00:20:52.137
That I longed for was being able to touch your father.
00:20:52.137 --> 00:20:53.680
You know what I'm saying.
00:20:53.680 --> 00:20:58.711
Yeah, I remember sitting there as a kid, like what's my daddy number?
00:20:58.711 --> 00:21:00.305
You know, call him.
00:21:00.305 --> 00:21:01.865
And nobody would ever call him.
00:21:01.865 --> 00:21:03.763
And you know, later on you're like man.
00:21:03.763 --> 00:21:10.190
I was traumatized by that because I wanted to talk to my daddy, I want to wrestle with my daddy, or whatever, right, because I couldn't do that with my grandfather anymore.
00:21:10.190 --> 00:21:18.099
He was gone and so I had no man that I could physically touch to get that appropriate affection from right.
00:21:18.099 --> 00:21:23.925
And so my children had that every night, every, you know, whenever I worked all the time.
00:21:23.925 --> 00:21:29.471
So when I get home, man, they jumping on your neck, your back, wrestling, tickling.
00:21:29.471 --> 00:21:40.865
It's just, and again that goes to with Barbara and I when we decided to become one again.
00:21:40.865 --> 00:21:48.384
She's bringing her biological daughter into picture and I have a biological son who does not live in the house, right?
00:21:48.565 --> 00:21:55.861
yeah so that's a blended family that we now have, and nobody has taught us how to manage that thing.
00:21:56.580 --> 00:22:02.405
So um can I ask you this sure, sure what, how was like?
00:22:02.405 --> 00:22:09.471
How, what kind of conversations did you and Barbara have?
00:22:09.471 --> 00:22:11.114
Or didn't have that?
00:22:11.114 --> 00:22:14.656
Maybe you look back and be like, hey, we should have talked about this Right, that's it.
00:22:14.656 --> 00:22:15.176
You know what I mean.
00:22:15.176 --> 00:22:21.799
Yeah, when it comes to handling parenting each other's children, Right.
00:22:22.080 --> 00:22:25.971
I think, man, we should have had the conversations.
00:22:25.971 --> 00:22:28.297
We did the best we could.