March 24, 2025

Unlearning Parenting: Your Adult Child’s Behavior is NOT Your Failure!

Unlearning Parenting: Your Adult Child’s Behavior is NOT Your Failure!
Apple Podcasts podcast player badge
Spotify podcast player badge
Castro podcast player badge
RSS Feed podcast player badge
Apple Podcasts podcast player icon Spotify podcast player icon Castro podcast player icon RSS Feed podcast player icon

Send us a text

Settle in folks! Patrick and Shemika Harrington share their wisdom on navigating the challenging transition from parenting children to parenting adults, discussing the generational differences between Gen X parents and their Gen Z children in today's rapidly changing world.

• The difference between commanding children and conversing with adult children
• Understanding that "real parenting" often begins when children turn 18 and have full legal freedom
• How to respect your adult child's choices even when you disagree with them
• The painful reality that children may reject what you've taught them: "You guys are good parents, I just don't want what you're teaching"
• Understanding the "fire of free will" and how to parent through it
• Learning to talk less to your children and more to God about them
• The three stages of parent-child relationships: idolized (birth-10), demonized (11-25), and realized (around 30)
• Becoming adaptable and adjustable while maintaining your values
• How to navigate your adult children's romantic relationships without overstepping
• Approaching parenting as coaching rather than controlling

Look up HisWifeHerHusband on Instagram and YouTube, for more parenting and marriage wisdom.


00:06 - Welcome Back to Unlearned Podcast

04:38 - Generational Differences in Parenting

11:33 - Free Will and Parental Responsibility

28:11 - From Commands to Conversations

41:26 - Navigating Adult Children's Relationships

57:43 - Three Stages of Parent-Child Relationships

01:05:42 - Final Thoughts and Closing Wisdom

WEBVTT

00:00:06.371 --> 00:00:10.477
hello everybody and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.

00:00:10.477 --> 00:00:20.888
I'm your host, ruth abigail aka ra, and this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you yes, you can experience more freedom.

00:00:20.888 --> 00:00:28.445
And, uh, I am so glad, so glad, to have back in the building my brother, my, my sister, patrick and Shemika Harrington.

00:00:28.445 --> 00:00:29.207
How you doing.

00:00:30.922 --> 00:00:32.889
All been good, alive and thrive.

00:00:32.889 --> 00:00:34.564
Come on alive and thrive.

00:00:34.584 --> 00:00:35.707
That's what I like to hear.

00:00:35.707 --> 00:00:41.209
For those of you that are newer to the podcast, this is not the first time they have been on the podcast.

00:00:41.209 --> 00:00:44.006
We've done a couple of pretty awesome conversations.

00:00:44.006 --> 00:00:47.685
These are truly two um, these, these are my big brother and big sister.

00:00:47.685 --> 00:00:50.091
They, they are, they mean so much to me.

00:00:50.091 --> 00:00:51.222
They have so much wisdom.

00:00:51.222 --> 00:00:56.232
Um, have lived a lot of life, uh, and they have a lot to give.

00:00:56.232 --> 00:00:59.746
One of the ways they give back is through their coaching.

00:00:59.746 --> 00:01:01.771
Uh, they do marriage coaching.

00:01:01.771 --> 00:01:09.727
So, for those of y'all that are interested in you know, thriving and leveling up your relationship, you- need to look up um who we need to look up his wife

00:01:09.766 --> 00:01:11.414
her husband I was getting there.

00:01:11.414 --> 00:01:12.177
I was getting there.

00:01:12.177 --> 00:01:13.320
Just give me a minute.

00:01:13.320 --> 00:01:14.745
Okay, I was getting there.

00:01:14.745 --> 00:01:20.483
Uh, his wife, her husband, they're on Instagram, they're on YouTube, um, and your information is on there.

00:01:20.483 --> 00:01:20.905
Is that right?

00:01:21.646 --> 00:01:39.432
Yeah, so, yeah, so, uh, it's kind of off a little bit, but on instagram it's his wife, her husband, 97, uh, and on youtube it's his wife, her husband, and his wife is one word and her husband is one word, and, uh, facebook is with him, same way 1997, that's when y'all got married.

00:01:39.432 --> 00:01:42.284
Yes, so damn they got they got married in the 90s.

00:01:42.305 --> 00:01:43.947
Some of y'all weren't even born in the 90s.

00:01:43.947 --> 00:01:45.271
Look at that.

00:01:45.271 --> 00:01:50.891
Oh, and we got a website wwwhiswifeherhusbandnet.

00:01:50.932 --> 00:01:52.177
Wwwhiswifeherhusbandnet.

00:01:52.177 --> 00:01:52.840
And there you go.

00:01:54.427 --> 00:02:01.019
Okay, so they've been married for a long time and also you know what they have five children, and you know why that's important?

00:02:01.019 --> 00:02:02.100
Because we're talking about parenting.

00:02:02.100 --> 00:02:08.263
This particular series, if you're jumping in for the first time, is Unlearning Parenting I have.

00:02:08.263 --> 00:02:09.123
It's weird.

00:02:09.123 --> 00:02:19.567
I became a parent about a little over two years ago with a bonus son who lives with us full time and I have been learning.

00:02:20.228 --> 00:02:21.008
Right, right you know what I'm saying.

00:02:21.008 --> 00:02:28.591
So some of this is going to be for me, so you know, and some of this is going to be for me, so you know some of this is going to be for people and some of it will be for both of us.

00:02:28.890 --> 00:02:33.913
But I've actually had a lot of people reach out to me.

00:02:33.913 --> 00:02:36.913
It's weird, I'm like about the thing hey, can you talk about parenting?

00:02:36.913 --> 00:02:49.139
It's not something that I had thought about, particularly adult parenting, which is you know where you guys are in your seasonal life, parenting adult children, which is a weird term, by the way.

00:02:49.139 --> 00:02:57.524
I just realized that, but like you know that, so that was that's interesting.

00:02:57.544 --> 00:03:07.221
So we wanted to talk about it because then, we got like different generations, raising folk that are, and it's that, but it's, it's this weird, like I don't even know how to describe it.

00:03:07.221 --> 00:03:25.670
Um, everything in the world is changing really fast, to the point to where I think it makes the generations feel further apart than they actually are because our lives are so different, like we're, we're, you know, even I grew up in a digital age, but I what?

00:03:25.670 --> 00:03:32.241
But not calling what they call a digital native, but raising a 10 year old, he's a digital native, but it's not like.

00:03:32.241 --> 00:03:37.713
I mean, it's not like I'm 65, right, I mean I'm in my 30 and I get it.

00:03:37.713 --> 00:03:41.566
I know how to, how to use it, but my mindset is very different.

00:03:41.566 --> 00:03:46.014
Um, and things happen so quickly, even in 10 years.

00:03:46.961 --> 00:03:49.610
The world that he knows is very different.

00:03:49.610 --> 00:03:58.735
So imagine, those of us that are older how much change we've had to figure out and go through and raise children in these rapidly changing eras.

00:03:58.735 --> 00:04:00.343
So let me just start there.

00:04:00.343 --> 00:04:04.300
Like you know so, your oldest is how old 30.

00:04:04.300 --> 00:04:04.480
30.

00:04:04.480 --> 00:04:11.301
There, like you know so, your oldest is how old 30, 30 so that she was so all right, so 30 man so in 30.

00:04:11.361 --> 00:04:15.900
If you don't mind, may I give all the ages, because this oh yes, let's do that, yes, all right.

00:04:15.900 --> 00:04:26.653
So we have five children, three daughters, two sons, and their their ages are 30, 28, 24, no 25.

00:04:27.735 --> 00:04:30.848
She'll be 26 this year.

00:04:31.449 --> 00:04:34.026
Okay, then 24 and 22.

00:04:34.026 --> 00:04:41.886
So that's every two years, two and a half years, so 30, between 30 and 22.

00:04:42.581 --> 00:04:44.047
Five between 30 and 22.

00:04:44.047 --> 00:04:54.901
Y'all are in the Gen Z era Y'all are like Gen Z parents all in with the Generation Z, so who's?

00:04:54.940 --> 00:04:56.444
Generation Z Our children.

00:04:56.865 --> 00:04:57.047
Yes.

00:04:57.968 --> 00:04:58.812
Yes, yes.

00:05:00.141 --> 00:05:01.923
Being raised by Generation X.

00:05:02.184 --> 00:05:06.870
Correct, correct, interesting right, interesting Right.

00:05:06.870 --> 00:05:10.014
So so like okay, let's, let's just start there.

00:05:10.014 --> 00:05:10.593
What is that?

00:05:10.593 --> 00:05:24.730
What are the like, what are just the generational differences that are that you see reoccurring on a regular basis, particularly now that there are adults, like do you see a difference between you at 22 and them at 22?

00:05:27.560 --> 00:05:34.254
Now I will say you mentioned something earlier that I did want to to highlight, if, if I could say, the generation like seeing them.

00:05:34.254 --> 00:05:47.252
Now we are in an era of automated, accelerated, so it's like it's just yeah, everything is already set, fixed and it's moving yeah before we can even catch on, we're like okay, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait wait what.

00:05:47.839 --> 00:06:03.132
So now, as Gen Xers, we are learning to adapt and adjust and to me, in order to be of great benefit to your children, you have to be willing to be adaptable, adjustable.

00:06:03.132 --> 00:06:25.406
It doesn't mean that something is wrong with what you learn, because I believe we needed that to maybe help them to be grounded and, by the same token, we need our children to help us to pick up the pace Right, and that's a part of bridging that gap in other generations.

00:06:25.927 --> 00:06:30.170
Okay, and I think our children caught the last in terms of education.

00:06:30.170 --> 00:06:35.625
Like, our children know how to write in cursive, we taught them how to write in cursive.

00:06:35.947 --> 00:06:37.170
Huh, okay.

00:06:37.699 --> 00:06:38.562
Today's generation.

00:06:38.562 --> 00:06:51.346
I don't think that learning how to write in cursive is necessary, because you can just X or click a box or whatever and the system will create its own signature and you can say, yes, I'm cool with that signature, but.

00:06:51.346 --> 00:06:59.105
But our children caught the last part where they actually physically had to learn how to write.

00:06:59.105 --> 00:07:01.925
When I'm growing up, there's no clicking at all.

00:07:01.925 --> 00:07:04.406
Everything is even when you're.

00:07:04.406 --> 00:07:12.028
When you're doing life insurance or whatever documentation comes, a person will physically come to your house.

00:07:12.108 --> 00:07:12.711
Right, yeah.

00:07:12.980 --> 00:07:17.011
Now, when I'm doing life insurance, I don't even have to be in the house with you.

00:07:17.011 --> 00:07:19.540
Yep, I could just do a Zoom call and we'd go from there.

00:07:19.540 --> 00:07:33.375
So those are a lot of differences, I think, even though it's kind of out of the kind of a little bit of ways, but it is still kind of given how they're they're learning now, as opposed to how we learned.

00:07:33.375 --> 00:07:35.158
Yeah, coming up, you know what I'm saying.

00:07:35.540 --> 00:07:36.283
So how does that?

00:07:36.283 --> 00:07:38.310
How does that impact how you teach them?

00:07:40.199 --> 00:07:40.500
Hmm.

00:07:42.326 --> 00:07:44.430
I have opted to slow down.

00:07:44.430 --> 00:07:46.000
I have opted to slow down.

00:07:46.000 --> 00:07:58.706
I have told I have stopped apologizing so much, for how can I say like being old fashioned?

00:07:58.947 --> 00:07:59.567
Okay.

00:07:59.708 --> 00:08:12.153
Okay, and so doing my best as a mother to still drop little nuggets within this generation so that it doesn't get lost.

00:08:12.814 --> 00:08:14.355
Give me an example.

00:08:15.035 --> 00:08:20.978
All right, so you know everything is digital, it's you know, online, kind of like what Patrick was saying.

00:08:20.978 --> 00:08:33.820
But I still journal, like actually use pen and paper, and I teach them to do the same, like don't miss the art of putting it on, putting ink and paper together.

00:08:33.820 --> 00:08:36.205
It makes you slow down and rest.

00:08:36.205 --> 00:08:37.868
It's less distraction.

00:08:37.868 --> 00:08:42.965
It's not to take away from the app, because the notes app is good.

00:08:42.965 --> 00:08:44.707
Don't neglect.

00:08:44.707 --> 00:08:52.611
You'll use those skills that you have learned and acquired because that's your advantage over maybe the next generation.

00:08:52.611 --> 00:08:55.027
That's good, that's really good, that's really good.

00:08:55.388 --> 00:09:09.525
It's more so teaching or showing them that it's all advantages yes still being flexible and adaptable again to be able to intercept and disconnect, because that's where our sauce is I think jim ron said something.

00:09:09.546 --> 00:09:13.380
Uh, I said this last time that to think is to put it in ink.

00:09:13.380 --> 00:09:30.032
And so we encourage them in terms of writing something down because, for whatever reason, it crystallizes and I'll tell them that I don't know why, I don't know how it works, but for some reason it crystallizes better when you physically write.

00:09:30.032 --> 00:09:35.585
So, even when I'm talking to them, I'm saying you know, take notes or you know, write down your vision or write down your goals.

00:09:35.725 --> 00:09:42.086
Don't type it Like don't type it don't put it in the keyboard, and so I am encouraging them.

00:09:42.086 --> 00:09:49.826
You can do that, but do it this way first and just like, go with it and see how that feels, and then there's feedback.

00:09:49.826 --> 00:09:50.729
You can have a conversation.

00:09:50.729 --> 00:09:52.160
You know, did you like it better?

00:09:52.160 --> 00:10:12.327
Whatever my son was taking his test for, to get his I think it was his private pilot, his private pilot license, and he was just going with the digital part and I said do me this one favor, just work with me, just do me this favor.

00:10:12.327 --> 00:10:14.371
I want you to try it this way.

00:10:14.371 --> 00:10:16.903
The way you were doing wasn't working.

00:10:16.903 --> 00:10:18.490
Try it this way for me.

00:10:18.490 --> 00:10:20.839
Let's just see, let's just figure it out.

00:10:20.839 --> 00:10:23.625
I said write it down, write the stuff down.

00:10:23.625 --> 00:10:35.445
And because he tried it and tested and it proved to be true, it proved to work he's doing it now for all of the other tests that he has to take in his flight school.

00:10:35.725 --> 00:10:37.711
Yeah, so so I like what you say.

00:10:37.711 --> 00:10:39.503
You said, let's just try it.

00:10:39.503 --> 00:10:43.571
It wasn't a demand or a command right.

00:10:43.571 --> 00:10:54.491
You didn't say it in that way and I think you know, I think one of the things, that one of the transitions, I say this, I say this on the child side of things, not- the parent.

00:10:54.580 --> 00:11:09.490
I haven't paired an adult child but I've been one and I've been an adult child underneath my parents' roof and I remember there was one day I came inside and, god bless it, my mom is dynamic, and so when she's frustrated, you know it.

00:11:09.490 --> 00:11:16.551
And so I came into the house and something was out of place and there's nothing that she hates more.

00:11:16.571 --> 00:11:17.937
Let's get into it Right.

00:11:17.937 --> 00:11:18.679
Something's out of place.

00:11:19.201 --> 00:11:26.707
I walk into the house I'm coming from work and she just goes in and I'm like yo, like like what?

00:11:26.707 --> 00:11:31.525
And I immediately felt like I was 12, right like, I was like, but I said hold on.

00:11:31.525 --> 00:11:33.809
You grown and so I.

00:11:33.809 --> 00:11:34.993
So I had to.

00:11:34.993 --> 00:11:38.647
And I said in a very respectful I said, mama, I'm about to go upstairs.

00:11:38.647 --> 00:11:47.567
I don't know what you, what you're talking about, but when you get to a place where we can just have a conversation, I can help you.

00:11:47.620 --> 00:11:49.306
But I said I can't do this.

00:11:49.306 --> 00:12:04.991
I can't do this right now it came in a very commanding, demanding kind of way, and so I imagine for my mother, as it would be for a lot of parents, that making that transition from a command to a conversation has to be hard.

00:12:04.991 --> 00:12:06.947
Like, is it hard?

00:12:06.947 --> 00:12:08.405
And if so, what makes it hard?

00:12:08.679 --> 00:12:14.532
It's hard on a parent because we've been used to saying it one way.

00:12:14.932 --> 00:12:15.193
Yeah.

00:12:15.539 --> 00:12:23.245
And we have to make the transition in our minds that they're grown, they're not on their own, but they're grown.

00:12:23.245 --> 00:12:28.105
Or my wife said you ain't really grown until you're on your own, so that they are adults.

00:12:28.927 --> 00:12:31.894
They're not grown until I'm gone.

00:12:31.894 --> 00:12:34.604
Okay, my fault.

00:12:34.604 --> 00:12:49.525
I'm gone, glory, and I say that, and I say that because it's not to say that I'm trying to run their life, but the truth of the matter, as long as we are here as parents, we still here to help, train and help you where you are.

00:12:49.525 --> 00:12:52.232
So the assignment really is never complete.

00:12:53.299 --> 00:12:54.261
If you're a good parent.

00:12:54.261 --> 00:13:02.265
If you're a good parent, then throw 18 out the window, Right.

00:13:02.265 --> 00:13:02.807
That's what.

00:13:02.886 --> 00:13:05.072
I thought, when they get 18, they're on their own.

00:13:05.072 --> 00:13:06.193
That's what I thought.

00:13:06.193 --> 00:13:08.246
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

00:13:08.246 --> 00:13:17.121
When they get 18, it starts like real parenting starts because you can't really give, you can't.

00:13:17.121 --> 00:13:20.539
I'll say it this way you can't force rules and regulations on them anymore.

00:13:20.539 --> 00:13:25.331
Now, if they're in my house, I do have a standard and rules and regulations.

00:13:25.331 --> 00:13:27.724
But check this out I can't make you stay here.

00:13:27.724 --> 00:13:36.849
I cannot physically force you to stay, which I know is probably a better place for you to be, but I can't make you do that.

00:13:36.849 --> 00:13:48.886
But I can set these things, these standards, in place that I hope you would be considerate about what's going on in the house that I am the father of, you know what I'm saying.

00:13:48.907 --> 00:13:56.200
When did you, when did you come to that understanding that I like what you said, real parenting doesn't start until they turn 18.

00:13:56.200 --> 00:14:00.140
I think that's interesting and I'm curious as to how many people would agree and how many people disagree.

00:14:00.140 --> 00:14:12.663
Because you can't, you don't know, you don't know what your, what your, what you have actually put in them until it's tested right, until they are, until you no longer can hold them.

00:14:12.663 --> 00:14:14.964
So it's like when did that come?

00:14:14.964 --> 00:14:16.589
When did that realization come to you?

00:14:22.160 --> 00:14:23.205
Let me, let me lob it.

00:14:23.225 --> 00:14:24.909
I'm going to give her a lob, I bet.

00:14:29.341 --> 00:14:30.041
I'm going to let it rip.

00:14:30.041 --> 00:14:42.452
My oldest, my oldest, decided that she wanted to go and live with a guy that that I know, I know was not for her.

00:14:43.653 --> 00:14:43.874
Knew.

00:14:44.474 --> 00:14:47.456
I knew, come on, past tense, come on.

00:14:47.456 --> 00:14:49.326
I knew wasn't for her.

00:14:49.687 --> 00:14:49.889
Okay.

00:14:53.183 --> 00:15:07.107
And it took me a minute because I'm going through and part of me wanted to make her stay, but then I realized I can't, although I know this joker is not right.

00:15:08.812 --> 00:15:09.374
Legally.

00:15:09.961 --> 00:15:10.966
I can't make her stay.

00:15:10.966 --> 00:15:13.929
If I make her stay, I am against.

00:15:13.929 --> 00:15:21.303
I'm going against the law now, and that would be kind of like kidnapping my own daughter to do what's right, and I can't do that.

00:15:21.303 --> 00:15:22.789
Yeah, that took me.

00:15:22.789 --> 00:15:25.629
That made me say wait a minute, hold up.

00:15:25.629 --> 00:15:27.527
This is a new space for me.

00:15:27.527 --> 00:15:39.311
This is a new process, because what was happening, her choice and my convictions were colliding and at that point I had to respect her choice.

00:15:39.311 --> 00:15:43.250
But I had to get her to understand I need you to respect my convictions.

00:15:43.250 --> 00:15:48.518
And she decided well, hey, I like my choice better than your conviction.

00:15:48.719 --> 00:15:48.879
Wow.

00:15:50.201 --> 00:15:58.514
She literally our child literally told us because we were like maybe we're bad parents, maybe we didn't do it right.

00:15:58.514 --> 00:15:59.823
We're going through our.

00:15:59.823 --> 00:16:01.249
What did we go wrong?

00:16:01.249 --> 00:16:03.888
She said no, you guys are good parents.

00:16:03.888 --> 00:16:05.225
I just don't want what you're teaching.

00:16:06.861 --> 00:16:07.725
You don't want to do it.

00:16:08.380 --> 00:16:10.927
Pause, pause, pause, pause.

00:16:10.927 --> 00:16:13.504
Because that right there, I think you're helping somebody.

00:16:13.504 --> 00:16:17.389
I really do, because somebody has heard that and don't know what to do with that, right?

00:16:17.389 --> 00:16:21.066
What do you do when your child rejects what you've taught them?

00:16:21.467 --> 00:16:23.802
Yeah, I got some information.

00:16:23.802 --> 00:16:24.826
What you've taught them?

00:16:24.826 --> 00:16:25.870
Yeah, shemika, take it from there.

00:16:25.870 --> 00:16:27.043
I respect it.

00:16:28.383 --> 00:16:28.865
You keep going.

00:16:30.763 --> 00:16:34.347
I respect it Now, face to face.

00:16:34.347 --> 00:16:36.586
Hmm, you know what?

00:16:36.586 --> 00:16:37.563
I respect it.

00:16:37.563 --> 00:16:40.467
That's nice, hey, and then I can do it by respect.

00:16:40.467 --> 00:16:51.010
I appreciate you telling me Now, later on that night, when it's just Shemika and I, I'm crying, I'm bawling, I'm praying, I don't know what to do.

00:16:51.010 --> 00:16:53.360
Like God, I need help in this area.

00:16:53.360 --> 00:16:54.744
What did I go wrong?

00:16:54.744 --> 00:17:05.272
So fortunate, and I'm beating myself up, but at the same time, I had to to her or to the child, I had to just say I respect it.

00:17:05.272 --> 00:17:19.330
Behind the closed doors, when me and my wife in the bedroom, I'm bawling, crying because I know what she's about to face with this decision, I thought you were going to say something.

00:17:20.580 --> 00:17:22.523
That was the same thing I was getting ready to say.

00:17:22.523 --> 00:17:32.132
You have to you, you, you learn to respect their choices, and that is a part of that young adult parenting.

00:17:32.132 --> 00:17:38.772
It's actually where you now have to begin to flesh out what you have actually taught before them.

00:17:38.772 --> 00:17:41.261
You know, it's like you know this.

00:17:41.261 --> 00:17:44.925
This is the moment that we were, we've been trying to get you to.

00:17:44.925 --> 00:17:45.967
This is the whole.

00:17:45.967 --> 00:17:46.507
Benchmark.

00:17:46.507 --> 00:17:48.009
This is the moment that we were, we've been trying to get you to.

00:17:48.009 --> 00:17:48.729
This is the whole benchmark.

00:17:48.749 --> 00:18:01.661
This is the ta-da Right and so when they finally do make the decision or the choice, and they are fully aware of the consequences that come with it, then you step back and you give them.

00:18:01.661 --> 00:18:03.862
You give them the option, and then, and then, this is the other thing.

00:18:03.862 --> 00:18:18.851
Now you have to go back and you have to assess okay, how am I going to fit still in this role, because I still love my baby I remember holding you, I remember telling you I remember getting you through and I am not do my.

00:18:19.051 --> 00:18:29.817
We have to do our best to say, OK, how, how can I stop this investment from dying or coming to an end?

00:18:29.817 --> 00:18:31.743
This is not how I pictured it.

00:18:31.743 --> 00:18:32.786
This is not the dream.

00:18:32.786 --> 00:18:35.992
This is not the return on investment that I dreamed about.

00:18:35.992 --> 00:18:40.191
So now how are we going to now fit into this whole scheme of things?

00:18:40.191 --> 00:18:42.263
That looks like being quiet.

00:18:42.263 --> 00:18:45.752
That's different, because as a mother, I always had a say.

00:18:45.900 --> 00:18:46.240
And.

00:18:46.382 --> 00:18:48.429
I always had my way so to speak.

00:18:48.840 --> 00:18:56.248
Like this is how I want the dishes and this is how I want you to show up and these are the clothes you're going to wear and these are the people you know you're going to be with.

00:18:56.248 --> 00:18:57.942
But now it's like you know.

00:18:57.942 --> 00:18:59.384
No, I want to give this a try.

00:18:59.384 --> 00:19:04.732
It's like OK, making sure that we continue to send a text message.

00:19:04.732 --> 00:19:06.275
When they don't want to hear our voice.

00:19:06.275 --> 00:19:10.310
It's when they don't respond to the text message, you still send up a prayer.

00:19:10.310 --> 00:19:14.751
You talk less to them and more to God about them.

00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:16.223
I was hoping you was going to say that.

00:19:16.946 --> 00:19:19.686
That's good, and so parenting this is the thing.

00:19:19.686 --> 00:19:28.492
I know that we say I'm not making the podcast spiritual, but this is the song.

00:19:28.492 --> 00:19:30.635
We spiritual people Go ahead Good stuff.

00:19:30.635 --> 00:19:42.371
So when we say Heavenly Father, we say it, but we don't really think about the role of him being a parent to the world.

00:19:42.371 --> 00:19:51.068
Yeah, these beautiful people, nation, nationalities, cultures, eras all of that.

00:19:51.068 --> 00:19:53.928
He is the ultimate parent.

00:19:53.928 --> 00:20:00.671
He has given us free will when we become his children.

00:20:00.671 --> 00:20:04.782
Friendship is the ultimate right Between parents.

00:20:04.782 --> 00:20:13.032
You want to be able to connect with your children and your parents on a trusting friendship level, but it can't start there.

00:20:13.032 --> 00:20:18.891
It has to transition and shift there, and so this is where the awkwardness comes in.

00:20:18.891 --> 00:20:40.978
All shifts, all transitions are awkward and, for whatever reason, as parents we have a tendency to think that it's just supposed to be automatic, seamless, and I am guilty as charge of that, because you read the word, you pray, you do all of the things and you do not factor in fallen world.

00:20:40.978 --> 00:20:41.799
You don't factor.

00:20:41.819 --> 00:20:46.642
Yeah, yeah, yeah, this free will that's right, that's like you know, I'm just, you're supposed to do this.

00:20:46.662 --> 00:20:47.866
You know you're supposed to do this.

00:20:47.866 --> 00:20:50.048
Yeah, I know I'm supposed to, but I don't want to.

00:20:50.048 --> 00:20:52.942
And I realize I ain't got to Just like that.

00:20:52.942 --> 00:20:54.944
I know that's country, but I ain't got to.

00:20:54.944 --> 00:20:59.586
And so we begin to pray.

00:20:59.586 --> 00:21:02.300
You do your part as far as okay.

00:21:02.300 --> 00:21:09.667
Now your words have to be very limited and you're looking for your shot every time to still throw in a train.

00:21:09.667 --> 00:21:11.071
Throw a lot, you know.

00:21:11.071 --> 00:21:12.875
Try to throw in some wisdom.

00:21:12.875 --> 00:21:14.980
Try to instruct with kindness.

00:21:14.980 --> 00:21:16.084
Don't be so rough.

00:21:16.084 --> 00:21:17.067
You want to be able.

00:21:17.067 --> 00:21:18.201
It's like now.

00:21:18.201 --> 00:21:25.132
We have to earn their ear so that they can learn, versus making them sit down to learn.

00:21:25.132 --> 00:21:40.736
No, you have to earn that ear for them to hear you out, and you do that by being a trustworthy parent, by making sure that you treat them with respect, because it's not just for adults.

00:21:40.736 --> 00:21:44.047
You have to learn to respect them even while they're children.

00:21:44.086 --> 00:21:45.731
So that when the time comes.

00:21:45.813 --> 00:21:47.317
Guess what I respect you.

00:21:47.317 --> 00:21:48.741
I never yelled at you.

00:21:48.741 --> 00:21:55.631
I never treated you other than who I always saw you being, and that is a future woman or man.

00:21:55.631 --> 00:21:57.684
And I didn't talk to you any less.

00:21:58.467 --> 00:22:19.281
One of the things that Shanique and I had problems with, because we were trying to figure out if we were bad parents or not, because because the conclusion was for me is that we had to be bad parents or else our children and she wasn't the only one, they all had done something or sure, yeah, that wouldn't have not been any rebellion.

00:22:19.281 --> 00:22:24.153
But then we had to, and then and so, and then one night shamika was just.

00:22:24.153 --> 00:22:30.306
She was just bawling her eyes out and just crying about where she went wrong and I said what makes you think you went wrong?

00:22:30.306 --> 00:22:37.992
So I said let's go to because she mentioned God, let's go to God, who was probably, who is the ultimate parent.

00:22:37.992 --> 00:22:46.193
In the beginning, he had his, he had his children in the best possible position that they could ever be.

00:22:47.181 --> 00:22:53.727
The text says that Eve was deceived Okay, but the problem is Adam.

00:22:53.727 --> 00:23:05.453
The text then says that Adam wasn't Okay, which means if he wasn't deceived, he had this loving father who was there, who provided, who gave everything that he needed.

00:23:05.453 --> 00:23:10.528
If he wasn't deceived, that means he made a deliberate or presumptuous sin.

00:23:10.528 --> 00:23:14.622
He deliberately disobeyed God, I said.

00:23:14.622 --> 00:23:17.961
I said, shemekia, you're not better, you're not a better parent than God, right?

00:23:17.961 --> 00:23:20.907
And yet his child still went you're not a you don't?

00:23:20.907 --> 00:23:23.212
You're not a better provider for God than God.

00:23:23.212 --> 00:23:25.018
And yet his child still.

00:23:25.018 --> 00:23:34.575
So it's not that we and this was all done before the statement was you are good parents, just that's not what I want.

00:23:34.575 --> 00:23:42.385
But we were still racking our brain and even though I said it, there was still a part of like okay, yeah, but I could have done whatever.

00:23:42.385 --> 00:23:43.169
You know what I'm saying.

00:23:43.169 --> 00:23:45.746
And then I saw a Facebook post.

00:23:45.746 --> 00:23:51.771
So now here I am saying if I had given my children everything that they needed, they wouldn't rebel.

00:23:52.032 --> 00:23:52.493
And wanted.

00:23:53.421 --> 00:23:56.088
If I had given them everything, they wouldn't rebel.

00:23:56.088 --> 00:23:56.550
Wow.

00:23:56.550 --> 00:23:58.528
Then I saw a friend who had a Facebook post.

00:23:58.528 --> 00:24:04.154
He said I messed up by giving my child everything she wanted, which is why she rebelled.

00:24:04.154 --> 00:24:04.836
Wow, wait a minute time out.

00:24:04.836 --> 00:24:05.818
Wait a minute, what do I want?

00:24:05.818 --> 00:24:10.892
That means, so here I am saying I didn't give everything, that's why I rebelled.

00:24:10.892 --> 00:24:12.530
He's saying I gave everything.

00:24:12.550 --> 00:24:13.257
That's why I rebelled.

00:24:13.257 --> 00:24:16.709
Okay, that means it really is not anything on the parent.

00:24:16.709 --> 00:24:17.759
Yep, that's it.

00:24:17.759 --> 00:24:23.991
It's the free will of the individual Individual who can decide whether they want to or not want to.

00:24:23.991 --> 00:24:25.634
One more thing, and then I'm going to be quiet.

00:24:25.634 --> 00:24:33.913
Another thing I had to do was realize how much I'm going to say it this way, how much of a terrible son I am to God.

00:24:34.493 --> 00:24:34.693
Wow.

00:24:35.921 --> 00:24:45.403
Once I realized that I was still doing things, that he is telling me don't say that, don't go there, he'll speak to my wife and say don't say it, don't say it, and I'll say it anyway.

00:24:45.403 --> 00:24:48.250
After I say it, I realize, okay, that was God speaking.

00:24:48.250 --> 00:24:53.069
I shouldn't have said that, and yet, and still, he's merciful and gracious toward me.

00:24:53.069 --> 00:24:57.845
That figuring that out made me say, okay, let me be a little.

00:24:57.845 --> 00:25:03.192
I'm not totally agreeing with everything they do, but let me be more patient Be gracious, be merciful.

00:25:03.211 --> 00:25:06.525
She need to start telling me you got to listen, more, you got to listen more.

00:25:06.525 --> 00:25:16.794
And I'm still working on that part, because I talk a lot but that listening with the intent to understand where they're coming from.

00:25:16.794 --> 00:25:23.989
And then we have a dialogue about whether this is a good idea, whether the outcome, whether the consequences, whether the rewards for the decision you make.

00:25:23.989 --> 00:25:25.464
Are you good with that consequence?

00:25:25.464 --> 00:25:26.701
You are Okay?

00:25:26.701 --> 00:25:28.508
Hey, well, nothing I can do about that.

00:25:30.145 --> 00:25:34.130
I mean amen, there are.

00:25:34.130 --> 00:25:50.371
There's a book that Shamika this is this book and we won't go on this long but this book that Shamika introduced me to called the Fall of Lucifer, and I think the tagline is like time before time, which I love that.

00:25:50.371 --> 00:25:51.765
I just love that tagline.

00:25:51.765 --> 00:25:54.067
But anyway, it's basically this.

00:25:54.067 --> 00:25:56.548
It is a fiction book.

00:25:56.548 --> 00:26:08.989
It is based on the very little biblical text we have about this, but this author has just reimagined what it was like before Lucifer fell and became Satan.

00:26:08.989 --> 00:26:09.410
Right, Okay?

00:26:09.430 --> 00:26:10.593
So it's just really really good.

00:26:11.560 --> 00:26:12.723
But this free will thing.

00:26:12.723 --> 00:26:28.855
They use this phrase, they call it the fire of free will because there's this question to you and you said it, pat pet, like there's this idea of um, you know how could he do this?

00:26:28.855 --> 00:26:31.044
And, and, and, and.

00:26:31.044 --> 00:26:37.462
So the, the, the, the, the ancients, the ones who had the most wisdom, they're the ones that use this phrase.

00:26:37.462 --> 00:26:41.015
They try to explain like it's the fire of free will.

00:26:41.537 --> 00:26:51.148
Our perfect father gave us free will they use the same phrase when he went down, deceived Eve and they said basically, it's the fire of free will again.

00:26:51.460 --> 00:26:52.000
Like it is.

00:26:52.000 --> 00:27:02.056
We have to contend with this fire that God has allowed us to set when we went, because he wants you know.

00:27:02.056 --> 00:27:08.901
So there's just this reality, but but again to your point, the consequences, right.

00:27:08.901 --> 00:27:09.721
So there's a, there's a.

00:27:09.721 --> 00:27:18.909
There's a scene in the book where God gives Lucifer an opportunity to repent and he says I can't do that.

00:27:18.909 --> 00:27:22.428
He made his choice Right.

00:27:22.428 --> 00:27:25.348
And then so we have the Satan that we know today.

00:27:25.348 --> 00:27:39.105
Again, I want to make a disclaimer this is not the Bible, this is not, we don't actually know, but it's a very interesting read and I think it just it illustrates some of the stuff you're talking about, of just the and we're.

00:27:39.105 --> 00:27:51.123
You know, we're talking about like so this, this thing is about like, so this thing is, is ancient, this idea of you know, um, am I a?

00:27:51.143 --> 00:27:51.644
bad parent, good parent.

00:27:51.644 --> 00:27:52.525
How do I stop my children from rebelling?

00:27:52.525 --> 00:27:53.066
You don't.

00:27:53.086 --> 00:28:12.789
You don't because free will is god's idea, and and so we, and he gives us access to it because he loves us and he wants us to choose to love him, so he gives us free will and then he chooses to, um, uh, the.

00:28:12.829 --> 00:28:15.615
The consequences of that are are what, what?

00:28:15.615 --> 00:28:27.232
We have to feel Right and so, uh, so anyway, I just that that fire of free will just is, so I love how that phrase like it's, it's the fire of free will.

00:28:27.232 --> 00:28:32.240
This is the consequence of what free will does, and we have to, we have to, we have to contend with it.

00:28:32.240 --> 00:28:37.167
What, what, um, what do you?

00:28:37.167 --> 00:28:37.628
Uh?

00:28:37.628 --> 00:28:47.107
I want to kind of go back to a little bit what you said earlier, pat, about you had to learn that you didn't really start parenting until you're 18.

00:28:47.619 --> 00:28:49.662
And you said that's not something you knew when you went in.

00:28:49.662 --> 00:28:54.789
What else did you not know when you went into parenting?

00:28:54.789 --> 00:29:06.931
I mean like really, Because here's the thing you were children, we were all children, but you know, sometimes we don't make the connect right, Like we don't remember, you know, we just don't do that, I don't.

00:29:06.931 --> 00:29:14.528
What did you think you knew that you were wrong about that you found out later on, Mm-hmm.

00:29:14.528 --> 00:29:20.305
And on the opposite side, what did you believe you knew and you ended up being right about?

00:29:20.305 --> 00:29:22.346
Like, when it comes to parenting?

00:29:22.728 --> 00:29:31.728
Okay, I'm going to pass the baton to Shemeika, because she normally says what?

00:29:31.728 --> 00:29:34.728
Because if I say it I'm stealing her comment.

00:29:34.748 --> 00:29:35.369
Got it, got it.

00:29:37.294 --> 00:29:37.878
You're welcome to.

00:29:38.662 --> 00:29:40.828
No, no, no, it's your baby, come on.

00:29:41.309 --> 00:29:47.622
Okay, let me answer the question question, but I do want to go back to that.

00:29:47.622 --> 00:29:51.688
Uh, the fire of free will remind me to go back to that, okay.

00:29:51.688 --> 00:30:03.529
So, um, I thought, or we thought, that if you did abc you would get def, okay, okay, okay.

00:30:04.151 --> 00:30:09.662
If you input ABC, you get D, e, f, that's just the rhythm, that's just the flow.

00:30:09.662 --> 00:30:19.258
Yeah, but no, you get one asterisk pound time three, uh, sideway H.

00:30:19.258 --> 00:30:21.205
You know, it's like what is this?

00:30:21.205 --> 00:30:26.631
Again, and and Again, and hey, it's so funny.

00:30:26.631 --> 00:30:36.327
When I discovered the ABC, I used to say then, when we get W-T Y, there are no Y's.

00:30:39.384 --> 00:30:41.464
W-T-F, you get W-T-F.

00:30:41.464 --> 00:30:43.744
I'm still in there.

00:30:43.744 --> 00:30:46.366
From now on, from now on, that's what I'm saying.

00:30:46.366 --> 00:30:51.828
I thought, if I put in A, b, c, I get D, e, f, but you get W T, l.

00:30:51.828 --> 00:30:54.574
Shoot Doggone it.

00:30:56.181 --> 00:30:57.086
Get the word out of it.

00:30:57.086 --> 00:30:58.714
You cannot make a word.

00:30:59.041 --> 00:30:59.986
It's so frustrating.

00:31:00.539 --> 00:31:12.516
And again going back to how you started, how we started the podcast, it's like in my era, thinking like now they know what WTF means, but all I see is laughs.

00:31:12.516 --> 00:31:17.071
So now you're communicating, but I'm missing the connect.

00:31:17.071 --> 00:31:19.960
We are talking, but we're missing the connect.

00:31:19.960 --> 00:31:24.446
I'm like Lord I just saw R RAY, because that's how I was brought up.

00:31:24.446 --> 00:31:32.444
You put in ABC, you automatically know DEF is coming, but instead you get W.

00:31:32.444 --> 00:31:33.929
Whatever y'all say WTL.

00:31:35.580 --> 00:31:36.222
Yeah.

00:31:36.262 --> 00:31:37.926
Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.

00:31:37.926 --> 00:31:39.250
You asked another question.

00:31:39.250 --> 00:31:40.092
What was the other one?

00:31:41.181 --> 00:31:49.577
Let me, let me add why I believe that and this may be theological contradictory or whatever something- oh good, I like that, let's go.

00:31:49.577 --> 00:32:05.872
So the scripture says turn up a child on the way to go and when they were not to part, I automatically assume that the text that I was reading because this is the way I was taught the text that I was reading, that it was a definite promise.

00:32:05.872 --> 00:32:16.566
It was a promise, yeah, but the Proverbs, from what I'm learning now, they're not definite promises, but they're wise sayings.

00:32:16.586 --> 00:32:17.328
Principles yes.

00:32:18.061 --> 00:32:18.301
Wise.

00:32:18.301 --> 00:32:19.605
I'm looking for principles, thank you.

00:32:19.684 --> 00:32:33.790
But there are principles, that the likelihood principles, yes, that the likelihood, if you teach this way, you're a bit you're more likely to come out with this equation with this answer absolutely what the part I'm missing.

00:32:33.810 --> 00:32:34.291
This is why.

00:32:34.291 --> 00:32:42.123
So this is why it's necessary, I think, that we do study and try to figure out and find out what were the original writings writing?

00:32:42.123 --> 00:32:44.627
What was the original meaning at that particular time?

00:32:44.627 --> 00:32:45.971
What's the setting, all that kind of stuff.

00:32:45.971 --> 00:32:54.790
Because what I'm learning now that that that if you train up a child in the way that they're they were, that they're going, it's meaning how are they?

00:32:54.790 --> 00:32:55.621
How do they lean?

00:32:55.621 --> 00:32:56.742
What?

00:32:56.742 --> 00:32:59.127
What direction are they actually going?

00:32:59.347 --> 00:33:01.412
yeah okay, what's their bent?

00:33:01.412 --> 00:33:05.642
What's their thought like were they bending or leaning toward?

00:33:05.642 --> 00:33:17.049
Okay, okay, now let's put some parameters around that and teach them in the way, because they're already to automatically human nature will, I think, make them reject it.

00:33:17.049 --> 00:33:30.144
So my son was one of my sons.

00:33:30.144 --> 00:33:41.568
He was working on being an artist, a rapper, and I said okay, son, I'm not saying you have to be a gospel rapper, I'm not saying you have to have Jesus, jesus and everything.

00:33:41.568 --> 00:33:48.593
But Paul said to those that without the law, I become without the law, yet not without the law of Christ.

00:33:48.593 --> 00:33:58.694
So I want you to use that as a guideline or a fence, or what's the thing when you're bowling A guardrail, a guardrail.

00:33:59.099 --> 00:34:15.335
Boundaries for how you do your music, for how you do your music, and there may be some things that you may say that, hey, it's not really in the Bible, but it's how you feel, it's your feelings, about how you feel about this world, about whatever the case may be, about relationships.

00:34:15.335 --> 00:34:30.206
Go ahead and have at it, but make sure you stay within the guidelines of the law of Christ.

00:34:30.206 --> 00:34:32.052
So that was what I'm now learning, or what I really got from that particular verse.

00:34:32.052 --> 00:34:32.534
That's what this means.

00:34:32.534 --> 00:34:38.427
So I had to relearn contextually what the text really means.

00:34:38.427 --> 00:34:41.793
I had to relearn that this is not a promise.

00:34:41.793 --> 00:34:43.664
This is not etched in stone.

00:34:43.744 --> 00:34:50.543
This is what is going to happen, but if you follow these principles, you're likely to succeed than you are to fail.

00:34:51.585 --> 00:34:53.068
Yeah, go ahead, shemek.

00:34:53.068 --> 00:34:53.389
I'm sorry.

00:34:53.389 --> 00:35:22.148
I was going to say there would be one of those disappointing places you know, when you have been taught, trained them up in a way that they should go, so you teach them godly ways to go back to the ABC, and then it's like whoa, transition period, because we're not talking about the in-between, the meantime, and the in-between and the in-between is meantime right and it's like man.

00:35:22.369 --> 00:35:28.391
I thought that if we taught them scriptures and we taught them how to pray and we put them in a Christian, that if we taught them scriptures and we taught them how to pray and we put them in a Christian school and we put them in a.

00:35:28.652 --> 00:35:35.940
Christian environment like this not supposed to be the kick out, but then we, we hadn't been, we, we really don't.

00:35:35.940 --> 00:35:43.990
I don't think that it's communicated enough about the, the, the, the, the free will of the soul.

00:35:43.990 --> 00:35:46.273
That is truly life.

00:35:46.273 --> 00:35:52.559
You know, and you mentioned something earlier too about, you know, rebellion.

00:35:52.559 --> 00:35:58.347
Now, this is the thing A lovingly trained parent can spot out when something is about to go rogue.

00:35:58.347 --> 00:35:59.530
They're just sensitive.

00:35:59.530 --> 00:36:06.222
You can just tell when something is about to go rogue, they're just sensitive, you can just tell.

00:36:06.222 --> 00:36:08.806
And so no, you don't.

00:36:08.806 --> 00:36:17.639
How can I say you know you can't stop it, but this is where interception or interceding kicks in.

00:36:17.639 --> 00:36:31.273
So I do my part to plead and to cry and to communicate with you from a different perspective, a different angle, to say, hey, this is headed towards death.

00:36:31.900 --> 00:36:33.983
This is headed towards destruction.

00:36:34.405 --> 00:36:48.668
This is not going to you not getting ready to get the outcome you think that you are about to get, because we know over time, and we have learned, that rebellion always lies, you know, with the short end of the stick.

00:36:49.985 --> 00:37:04.324
Our child we were speaking about earlier, when we were going through that phase with that particular child, god will always give us glimpse of us training her in the way that she should know.

00:37:04.324 --> 00:37:13.746
There will always be a glimpse that she's not gone and we will have to use that and to hold on to that and to trust him.

00:37:13.746 --> 00:37:17.324
That okay that maybe there's a maybe.

00:37:17.324 --> 00:37:21.579
We are the prodigal child's father and we know what we taught.

00:37:21.579 --> 00:37:26.583
And the prodigal child's father said the same thing Dad, as of today, you are dead to me.

00:37:26.583 --> 00:37:27.806
Give me my inheritance.

00:37:27.806 --> 00:37:29.050
That's pretty much what he said.

00:37:29.431 --> 00:37:29.632
Yeah.

00:37:29.760 --> 00:37:32.849
And yet the father kept looking forward to him coming back.

00:37:32.849 --> 00:37:35.925
Yeah, because of what he knew he put inside of him.

00:37:35.925 --> 00:37:38.211
And so for us, the children are the same way.

00:37:38.211 --> 00:37:43.487
Yeah, right now it looks rogue, and I hope I'm here, and we had to settle in.

00:37:43.487 --> 00:37:46.672
Our listen broke and I hope I'm here and we had to settle in.

00:37:46.672 --> 00:37:47.514
Listen our ism.

00:37:47.514 --> 00:37:49.978
We had to settle in our heart.

00:37:49.978 --> 00:37:54.001
We might not see it.

00:37:54.001 --> 00:37:54.503
There's a chance.

00:37:54.523 --> 00:37:57.353
Even in the hall of fame or the hall of faith, toward the end, nobody reached that part.

00:37:57.353 --> 00:38:03.829
There were people that they weren't going to see the change that happened in the loved ones life that they prayed for.

00:38:03.829 --> 00:38:05.914
We had to settle in our heart.

00:38:05.914 --> 00:38:07.525
We may not see the change.

00:38:07.525 --> 00:38:08.588
We hope we do.

00:38:08.588 --> 00:38:10.385
Dad, this is our petition.

00:38:10.385 --> 00:38:18.251
I don't know, but it was great to even see that, god.

00:38:18.251 --> 00:38:19.713
Thank you, god, hold on.

00:38:19.713 --> 00:38:21.925
I thought I was going to make it.

00:38:21.925 --> 00:38:40.614
To see the change and the turnaround in the child's heart, to see the child come back and now making this change and things are elevated and working out and things are getting better.

00:38:40.614 --> 00:38:45.679
They're not there yet, but we get to see this particular thing.

00:38:45.679 --> 00:38:47.626
We had to wait.

00:38:48.882 --> 00:38:50.248
We had to wait.

00:38:51.300 --> 00:38:52.445
We had to endure.

00:38:52.445 --> 00:39:04.012
It was looking like we're not going to see it, we're not going to get a chance, but for us, our testimony is it.

00:39:04.012 --> 00:39:05.119
Did you know what I'm saying?

00:39:05.721 --> 00:39:19.956
So what do you say to parents who, in the prime kind of of the rearing of children, of the teaching, they didn't really have it together?

00:39:20.617 --> 00:39:26.476
And they can look back and say I didn't do my job as well as I should have in training them up.

00:39:26.476 --> 00:39:30.963
And now they see it, but their children are gone.

00:39:30.963 --> 00:39:32.766
What, what, what.

00:39:32.766 --> 00:39:41.545
What kind of encouragement or advice might you give to those parents who say, man, I missed it and I see the results.

00:39:41.545 --> 00:39:47.527
And now they're adults and I'm not really sure how I can't get that time back and I'm not really sure what to do?

00:39:50.235 --> 00:39:51.498
Um, for me I would.

00:39:51.498 --> 00:39:58.228
I would say start there, start where they are, especially if they allow you in their lives.

00:39:58.228 --> 00:40:03.025
Let's just say it's not a strange point where you can't have a conversation.

00:40:03.025 --> 00:40:26.838
At that point I would just begin to give them an opportunity, need to do more listening to where they are and why they are, or if they have a feeling about, rather than trying to fix it or trying to give any any, because any, any reason you give is an excuse that they really don't want to hear.

00:40:26.838 --> 00:40:31.489
It may be a good reason, but in their eyes it's an excuse.

00:40:31.936 --> 00:40:36.992
You know, I'm saying so, don't often an apology, I apologize.

00:40:36.992 --> 00:40:38.536
That's first foremost.

00:40:38.536 --> 00:40:39.900
How do you feel.

00:40:39.900 --> 00:40:47.224
And then, if you're truly sincere about it, continue to pursue the relationship with them and just begin to build.

00:40:47.224 --> 00:40:53.565
And then they themselves my dad always used to tell me best advice is given.

00:40:53.565 --> 00:40:58.239
Well, he used to tell me only give advice when it's asked for or when it's life or death.

00:40:58.239 --> 00:41:04.882
So in this case you're trying to build the relationship to the point that they begin to ask for the advice.

00:41:04.882 --> 00:41:08.429
At that point they're really willing to hear.

00:41:08.429 --> 00:41:21.768
But at this point, just build, go back, just, I think, just begin to build a relationship with the intent to understand and to hear, rather than to really try to say what you think you should have said a long time ago.

00:41:22.114 --> 00:41:22.856
Yeah, that's good.

00:41:22.856 --> 00:41:24.721
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:41:25.603 --> 00:41:28.369
Did you have anything, shamik, I did.

00:41:29.715 --> 00:41:35.219
She's a way impatient one, so you want to All right, she acted like it was a delay.

00:41:35.420 --> 00:41:36.583
Keith, are you there?

00:41:36.583 --> 00:41:40.702
Yeah, yeah, bob, I just guessed.

00:41:40.702 --> 00:41:40.983
Go ahead.

00:41:41.003 --> 00:41:50.755
I'm sorry you want to admit, admitting or acknowledging where you went wrong is the beginning of the healing.

00:41:50.755 --> 00:42:09.025
And so, before you even ask the children for forgiveness, go through your healing process of giving grace to yourself and forgiving yourself for where you dropped the ball and missed the mark.

00:42:09.025 --> 00:42:18.291
If you don't if you don't, I'm not saying don't fix it right away, but forgiveness is a process.

00:42:18.713 --> 00:42:18.893
Yeah.

00:42:19.255 --> 00:42:39.800
And so if you don't receive it first, then you'll be constantly pouring from a half full jar, a half full vessel, and so then you'll end up, you know, reverting back to the same behavior or habits or maneuvers that you did prior to you just start to survive right.

00:42:39.800 --> 00:42:45.862
So I would say make sure that you acknowledge okay, where did I go wrong?

00:42:45.862 --> 00:42:48.202
Why was I moving like that?

00:42:48.202 --> 00:42:50.322
Why was I absent?

00:42:50.322 --> 00:42:52.262
Why was I all into work?

00:42:52.655 --> 00:42:55.496
Oh, I had a fear of da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

00:42:55.496 --> 00:43:19.480
So then, when you go back to the child as an adult and you say, hey, baby girl, I had a moment with myself you know I'm still growing and I'm still discovering, I'm figuring it out and I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, right?

00:43:19.480 --> 00:43:23.353
And I think that it is most helpful if you catch it and admit it on the front end, versus them coming to you pointing out you weren't there and.

00:43:23.393 --> 00:43:28.242
I missed you and I had to be at da-da-da-da-da house versus you coming to your own.

00:43:28.242 --> 00:43:28.804
Admit it.

00:43:28.804 --> 00:43:51.597
So if it's a parent out there and that you know that you had this moment of reckoning where you have acknowledged that you missed the mark, go ahead and go through that process of healing so that you can go to your child and correct it and then begin to see how can I be here for you now, because, again, parenting doesn't end.

00:43:51.597 --> 00:43:57.467
I missed it on the front end, but I am not missing it now.

00:43:57.927 --> 00:44:00.077
I will drop whatever I need to drop.

00:44:00.077 --> 00:44:04.175
This is why you got to heal, because if I haven't stopped dropping roads.

00:44:04.175 --> 00:44:19.461
That's good, that's really good for you, no matter what, if I have to show up for you, maybe through the grandchildren, or show up for you, maybe helping you with your laundry, so you can finish a class or a project or whatever you do, what you can, why?

00:44:19.855 --> 00:44:25.003
But this time you're not doing it from a place of deficit, you're doing it from a place of fullness.

00:44:25.003 --> 00:44:27.161
I want to help you with it.

00:44:27.161 --> 00:44:32.262
I'm already fully defined Because I'm under his grace.

00:44:32.262 --> 00:44:36.420
He gave me space to receive it, so I'm good.

00:44:37.217 --> 00:44:38.563
And I think you make a great point.

00:44:38.563 --> 00:45:03.070
You said that you said earlier.

00:45:03.070 --> 00:45:07.213
Forgiveness takes a the place where it's like I really want this, but you're not healed and your child rejects you.

00:45:07.213 --> 00:45:08.358
There's resentment.

00:45:08.358 --> 00:45:10.485
That can come and be built up as a result.

00:45:10.994 --> 00:45:18.458
But if you go through the process of healing, then you have an understanding of how long that's going to take, because it might take you long to forgive yourself.

00:45:18.458 --> 00:45:24.682
So you know, I know that this that I'm going to when I'm ready to approach them.

00:45:24.682 --> 00:45:31.327
I understand the process that they're about to go through with me through with me.

00:45:32.067 --> 00:45:34.349
And so that and that can it.

00:45:34.349 --> 00:45:39.010
It puts a more realistic film over what's what's really about to happen.

00:45:39.010 --> 00:45:42.092
Because that is a process it's going to take a minute.

00:45:42.092 --> 00:45:54.324
They have to be, they have to get to the place, to where they're willing to be open to receive what they probably have stopped wanting, Like, um, you know?

00:45:54.344 --> 00:45:54.786
so I just love that.

00:45:54.786 --> 00:45:55.726
Yeah, no, please go ahead.

00:45:55.726 --> 00:45:57.409
I want to look just a little pushback.

00:45:57.409 --> 00:46:04.889
Yeah, Because the way I hear it, it sounds like it sounds as if I can't pursue the child until I'm ready.

00:46:04.889 --> 00:46:07.802
But what if the child is ready?

00:46:07.802 --> 00:46:15.827
Then do you say, well, no, I can't, we can't start this right now, can't start this right now, and so it may be, and that's not what y'all saying.

00:46:15.827 --> 00:46:27.021
Then that's great, because it may be an issue where we have to travel this road together and as we begin to converse, we'll find out.

00:46:27.021 --> 00:46:31.516
You know that we're both broken and we both need to be put back together again.

00:46:31.516 --> 00:46:33.239
What's your saying?

00:46:33.239 --> 00:46:34.523
You say Sonequa about the pieces.

00:46:36.005 --> 00:46:37.168
Making peace with the pieces.

00:46:37.168 --> 00:46:40.420
Making peace with the pieces.

00:46:40.420 --> 00:46:44.030
Yeah, and to your point, patrick, and I do want to share.

00:46:44.030 --> 00:46:45.193
Thank you for sharing that.

00:46:45.193 --> 00:46:50.903
But I do want to say that remember that forgiveness and healing is unique.

00:46:50.903 --> 00:46:54.550
It's just like we're going through a whole life experience.

00:46:54.550 --> 00:47:08.322
So, ideally, if you come to this acknowledgement yourself, I am admonishing you to go ahead and go through that healing so that you can get a jumpstart on it.

00:47:08.402 --> 00:47:09.927
That's ideally right.

00:47:10.188 --> 00:47:19.027
However, if you all come to a conclusion because you're looking at a movie and y'all crying together and it's like, oh, we're from the hill, it's not like, no, you went over there while I'm not saying that.

00:47:20.235 --> 00:47:24.764
Okay it's like again, unique it's.

00:47:24.764 --> 00:47:32.182
It's a tapestry, life is a tapestry and that you have to be willing to see what the end is going to look like.

00:47:32.182 --> 00:47:35.092
At the end, we do want to have a whole.

00:47:35.092 --> 00:47:40.490
We want to have whole pieces, we want to leave each other better than we found each other.

00:47:40.490 --> 00:47:55.007
We want to be glad that we were assigned to each other as a parent and as a child, and so, with that being said, we sometimes have to remember or I know I have had to remind them hey, this parenting that we're doing.

00:47:55.126 --> 00:47:56.329
I've never done it before.

00:47:56.329 --> 00:47:57.887
I've never done this before.

00:47:57.887 --> 00:47:59.117
So, yeah, we are.

00:47:59.117 --> 00:48:06.206
You know, 30 years in, three decades in, but guess what, I still have never been a 40-year-old mother.

00:48:06.206 --> 00:48:09.322
So now we are learning.

00:48:09.322 --> 00:48:16.590
Then we turn back to bless and encourage somebody else that, hey, you may want to keep a heads up on that and I do want to share.

00:48:16.590 --> 00:48:21.581
You may want to keep a heads up on it and I do want to share.

00:48:21.581 --> 00:48:22.965
I do want to share something this is not in a textbook.

00:48:26.396 --> 00:48:31.355
I'm just telling you from what I've learned is my own little observation.

00:48:34.235 --> 00:48:36.288
So we have five children and each one of those children had their own temperaments.

00:48:36.307 --> 00:48:45.036
They went through that, you know, infancy stage, I'll say, from even carrying carrying to the infancy stage to the toddler stage.

00:48:45.036 --> 00:48:58.976
I personally believe that if it's a parent out there and you at the beginning stage is pay very close attention to the temperament of your child.

00:48:58.976 --> 00:49:14.380
You can pretty much tell from the, the uh, the, the toddler and the infancy stage, like if they were criers, if they required a whole lot of affection, if they were one of the ones that always wanted a bottle.

00:49:14.380 --> 00:49:16.815
Like they, they cry when you leave out the room.

00:49:16.815 --> 00:49:18.320
Just look different things like that.

00:49:18.320 --> 00:49:18.960
Are they?

00:49:19.581 --> 00:49:33.023
um, do they have a proclivity to share or are they really more takers you have to pay attention to how they move, because now, at this stage in their life, there are no words yeah all action got.

00:49:33.023 --> 00:49:45.081
Right, pay attention to that, because guess what, when that next, when a terrible two, terrible, three phase wind off, guess what it's going to show back up in the adolescence stage.

00:49:45.081 --> 00:49:48.056
Right, I think it's just different now, interesting.

00:49:48.056 --> 00:49:52.655
Now you got words and you got friends and you got peer pressure.

00:49:53.177 --> 00:50:07.596
But now, if you remember how they moved as children, right, you'll kind of see that same thing as a teenager and it's like no, you don't know how to circumvent it, right?

00:50:07.596 --> 00:50:19.182
Yeah, because I paid attention to you, were, uh, you were like we had one child and she would just oh, she would just this was her way of expressing anger, or she would just kind of move.

00:50:19.182 --> 00:50:22.505
Then we had one that she just soothed herself.

00:50:22.505 --> 00:50:24.956
She would just suck her thumb when she was mad.

00:50:24.956 --> 00:50:28.766
She was just like, okay, I'm just going to pay attention and calm down.

00:50:29.016 --> 00:50:29.684
And what about the son?

00:50:29.684 --> 00:50:31.942
What about the son who couldn't like?

00:50:31.942 --> 00:50:32.523
He was just.

00:50:32.715 --> 00:50:44.380
Oh yeah, he was anxious, like he was just constantly anticipating the next move and we would have to say, hey, slow down, I'm here to tell you those children.

00:50:44.380 --> 00:51:02.246
They still have those same temperaments and so now it's like, okay, you to tell the child that wants to do what they want to do no, dangerous the moment you tell them no they're going to show you oh yes, I can.

00:51:04.858 --> 00:51:06.565
So now, what do you do now?

00:51:06.565 --> 00:51:08.079
Now what I have learned?

00:51:08.079 --> 00:51:10.867
Because, again, on the front end, I didn't know.

00:51:10.867 --> 00:51:13.804
But then there was that phase that we had to learn.

00:51:13.804 --> 00:51:22.010
Now it's like like no, instead of telling them no, how about you say, hey, have you stopped and considered maybe this right here?

00:51:22.010 --> 00:51:25.099
Or what outcome are you looking for?

00:51:25.099 --> 00:51:27.786
Will that really give you that.

00:51:28.989 --> 00:51:46.311
Now we're making them think now, that was the other thing I'm sorry to keep, okay, but know, if I could, if I could emphasize, to like make sure, as a parent, that you teach your children how to think through all the way to the end.

00:51:46.311 --> 00:51:50.025
If you teach them how to think, then guess what?

00:51:50.025 --> 00:51:55.947
Whatever it is that they feel like they have to experience, and they exhausted all measures.

00:51:55.947 --> 00:52:01.664
They went down every corridor, every lane in their mind before they take the journey.

00:52:01.664 --> 00:52:07.086
If they choose it, it's like oh okay, so you really knew what you were choosing what's your?

00:52:07.126 --> 00:52:08.371
reason why for choosing that?

00:52:08.371 --> 00:52:10.257
Okay, what is the plan?

00:52:10.257 --> 00:52:11.099
Bc, how?

00:52:11.099 --> 00:52:12.400
What is your escape like?

00:52:12.400 --> 00:52:17.137
Talk to them, dialogue, let them express and then say and you, okay with those choices.

00:52:17.137 --> 00:52:20.865
If that's what happened, okay now, how did I fit in this?

00:52:20.865 --> 00:52:23.036
Am I in your story like act?

00:52:23.297 --> 00:52:30.394
yeah, so then, by the same token, I'll even say, even when it comes to our heavenly father.

00:52:30.394 --> 00:52:44.018
He already had redemption set to the side, he already had the sacrifice and the way made and as parents, as excellent parents, you do your best to try to make it where it'll always be favorable for your children.

00:52:44.018 --> 00:52:49.878
You never want to make it where they constantly have to have hardships to learn.

00:52:49.878 --> 00:52:51.702
That's another thing we had to unlearn.

00:52:51.702 --> 00:52:52.644
That's hard work.

00:52:52.644 --> 00:52:55.320
You don't have to go through hardships to figure it out.

00:52:55.521 --> 00:52:57.867
You don't have to go through experiences every time.

00:52:57.867 --> 00:53:06.121
Sometimes, if you're a great storyteller, if you're a great communicator, you can get it over to the children that, hey, I love you, I trust you.

00:53:06.121 --> 00:53:09.036
I'm telling you this because I don't want you to experience that pain.

00:53:09.036 --> 00:53:12.722
Life has already got a lot of stuff that you you got to contend with.

00:53:12.722 --> 00:53:14.445
Don't pick that up Like if.

00:53:14.445 --> 00:53:16.088
I say don't touch that hot eye.

00:53:16.088 --> 00:53:19.764
Any loving parent not going to let their children just touch that hot eye.

00:53:19.804 --> 00:53:20.385
Don't do it.

00:53:20.385 --> 00:53:23.704
I have a question.

00:53:23.704 --> 00:53:26.615
Would you say that you have two boys?

00:53:26.615 --> 00:53:29.460
Y'all have two boys, two young men.

00:53:29.460 --> 00:53:40.963
Would you say, going back to the temperament as a man, do you have the same temperament as both of of your boys and do they have the same temperament as each other?

00:53:42.264 --> 00:53:48.322
uh, they each have something from me they do okay fair, got it, that's fair.

00:53:48.923 --> 00:54:07.577
So the thing that is unfamiliar about their temperaments to you and and let me say it like this, let me give an example you know you might have a father who this is the case of my father and he said this publicly, so I don't think it's okay that I say it.

00:54:07.577 --> 00:54:14.199
Both of his stepfather and his natural father were both great with their hands.

00:54:14.199 --> 00:54:15.244
They were handy.

00:54:15.244 --> 00:54:16.516
They were, they were excellent.

00:54:16.516 --> 00:54:17.259
They were craftsmen.

00:54:17.259 --> 00:54:19.744
They loved being outside doing all that.

00:54:19.744 --> 00:54:24.039
He loved to read the dictionary.

00:54:24.519 --> 00:54:27.184
That was his way of entertainment.

00:54:27.184 --> 00:54:27.706
That's him.

00:54:27.706 --> 00:54:28.367
He's a reader.

00:54:28.427 --> 00:54:29.088
He's a learner.

00:54:29.389 --> 00:54:30.697
He can't do nothing with his hands.

00:54:30.697 --> 00:54:31.958
He don't like changing light bulbs.

00:54:31.978 --> 00:54:47.646
He'll do it, but he don't like it right, so so the like so, like that kind of difference you know, raising a son, I'd say specific that is different from you, is that something that you've experienced on any level?

00:54:47.646 --> 00:54:50.534
Um, and if so, how do you help fathers?

00:54:50.534 --> 00:55:03.878
How can you help fathers to, you know, accept certain differences and then, like, not try to mold them into who they are, but really love them for who, who they are, who their child, who their son is?

00:55:03.878 --> 00:55:14.559
I'm, specifically, father and son and, um, I think it's a very interesting relationship and and it's like, especially when it's like yo, yo, where'd you get that from?

00:55:15.740 --> 00:55:17.422
That ain't me Like I don't know.

00:55:17.422 --> 00:55:18.402
I don't know where you got that from.

00:55:19.583 --> 00:55:25.088
And sometimes it can be difficult to handle, to understand, to deal with or whatever.

00:55:25.088 --> 00:55:27.510
If that's the case, I don't know, maybe it isn't.

00:55:27.990 --> 00:55:38.844
So yes and no, I think one of the things you would want to do, so I have, so my clients, because I want to know where I tell you where I got it from.

00:55:38.844 --> 00:55:40.137
I have clients now.

00:55:40.137 --> 00:55:52.257
Most of my clients are adopted parents and one of the statements that they say is connect before you, correct, and so, while as a Gen X, that's not how my parents were raised.

00:55:52.257 --> 00:55:53.382
It was not.

00:55:53.382 --> 00:55:54.418
You don't connect nothing.

00:55:54.418 --> 00:55:58.460
I'm going to connect this belt to your butt if you don't get up that was how it was.

00:55:58.480 --> 00:56:00.063
That's right, for real.

00:56:00.063 --> 00:56:01.347
That's for real.

00:56:03.056 --> 00:56:22.192
I would say, before you do correct, I would encourage that to really connect with his son so you won't have to take them outside and dust them off right quick, because every son gets to a point where he feels like he can take his dad.

00:56:22.192 --> 00:56:44.538
But if there's a connection that's different from yours, not in a bad way, but just they just do things different.

00:56:44.538 --> 00:56:55.865
Um, my son is a little bit more, I'm saying, nonchalant, but nonchalantant, he doesn't, he doesn't worry as much.

00:56:56.347 --> 00:56:56.648
Yeah.

00:56:57.034 --> 00:56:58.882
He's more like he chill yeah.

00:56:59.815 --> 00:57:01.318
Don't work his stuff out, take it easy.

00:57:01.318 --> 00:57:02.001
He's seriously chill.

00:57:02.001 --> 00:57:03.726
Yeah, you know what I'm saying, what you doing.

00:57:08.840 --> 00:57:17.311
So that I'm like we got, we got and they're like the other thing is so my dad was in the house, but I'm just going to sound bad.

00:57:17.311 --> 00:57:22.159
So my dad was in the house but we didn't have a relationship.

00:57:22.159 --> 00:57:23.862
So, but he's in the relationship.

00:57:23.862 --> 00:57:26.909
I mean he's in the house but we're not talking to have a conversation.

00:57:26.909 --> 00:57:39.016
So I'm saying I'm going to have this relationship with my son, we're going to talk all the time the time.

00:57:39.016 --> 00:57:49.608
But I miscommunicated because for me, talking all the time meant, when I say something, that's part of what you have to do it, not knowing that they're learning something different or they're still getting what I'm learning.

00:57:49.608 --> 00:57:52.583
They're just not learning it the way I learned it.

00:57:52.583 --> 00:57:53.505
Check this out.

00:57:54.414 --> 00:57:55.561
This was just made because this used to make me mad.

00:57:55.561 --> 00:57:56.646
Nor are they learning it the way I learned it.

00:57:56.666 --> 00:57:56.967
Check this out.

00:57:56.967 --> 00:58:00.282
This was just made because this used to make me mad, nor nor are they learning it from me.

00:58:00.282 --> 00:58:12.224
I used to be mad because I'm taking all this time that my dad, it didn't take with me to tell you these things and you don't tell me, you don't get it.

00:58:12.224 --> 00:58:21.376
But sister, so-and-so, or brother, little bud, tell you the exact same thing and y'all.

00:58:21.376 --> 00:58:24.202
Now it clicks and I used to be mad.

00:58:24.202 --> 00:58:28.907
I'm like, wait a minute, I'm investing all this time, I'm trying to do all this, and why you not?

00:58:28.907 --> 00:58:32.619
Then I got to a point like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Took me aback.

00:58:32.619 --> 00:58:34.965
Hey, at least they're getting it.

00:58:34.965 --> 00:58:36.047
Yeah, at least they're getting it.

00:58:36.047 --> 00:58:40.916
It doesn't matter how they're getting it in turn, because they're getting it the right way, right, at least.

00:58:40.916 --> 00:58:42.960
At least they're they're getting it.

00:58:42.960 --> 00:58:46.878
So my son and I'm not sure where he got it I think he got it from.

00:58:46.878 --> 00:58:49.043
I think they both got it from their granddad.

00:58:49.445 --> 00:58:49.666
Yeah.

00:58:55.635 --> 00:58:57.565
Because my dad is mellow and humble.

00:58:57.565 --> 00:58:58.572
He doesn't yell a lot.

00:58:58.592 --> 00:58:58.994
He's not extra.

00:58:59.898 --> 00:59:01.286
He's not extra like me.

00:59:01.286 --> 00:59:02.150
Right, right, right.

00:59:02.255 --> 00:59:03.842
Unless you provoke him, yeah.

00:59:03.894 --> 00:59:07.166
And so my sons, and sometimes they get mad at me, especially when I'm driving.

00:59:07.166 --> 00:59:09.262
I realize they say I have road rage a little bit.

00:59:09.262 --> 00:59:13.106
And my oldest son would be like Dad, just let him over.

00:59:13.106 --> 00:59:15.202
I'm like no, but they shouldn't wait to the end.

00:59:15.202 --> 00:59:17.269
They're going to wait till the last minute to try to get over.

00:59:17.269 --> 00:59:19.056
And they knew, they saw the arrow sign.

00:59:19.056 --> 00:59:20.097
And that's me.

00:59:20.137 --> 00:59:26.338
My son was like dad, just don't take all that Don't do that, and so it affected me a little bit.

00:59:26.338 --> 00:59:30.726
Boy, I'm like, okay, maybe I'm not being a good example for my son, so that kind of.

00:59:30.726 --> 00:59:32.389
I kind of felt that way a little bit.

00:59:32.608 --> 00:59:32.869
Right.

00:59:32.889 --> 00:59:36.771
And then I had to realize okay, wait a minute, you know what he's actually right.

00:59:36.771 --> 00:59:41.324
At this point I can learn from him rather than him learning from me.

00:59:42.536 --> 00:59:44.847
So I hope that's what you were asking.

00:59:44.847 --> 00:59:46.054
No, that's good, that's good.

00:59:46.054 --> 00:59:47.420
What was your thought?

00:59:49.076 --> 00:59:50.659
I think a lot of times too.

00:59:50.659 --> 00:59:59.594
We can sometimes take our experience with our parents and project it to our children.

00:59:59.594 --> 01:00:13.670
Absolutely, the truth of the matter is their dad was always present and involved, but from Patrick's perspective, he experienced not I mean his parent being present, but not as hands on.

01:00:13.670 --> 01:00:19.920
So now for the children they're like look, I don't have that issue with you, like just chill out.

01:00:19.920 --> 01:00:21.822
I got the lesson.

01:00:21.822 --> 01:00:23.960
Let me show you that I got it.

01:00:23.960 --> 01:00:27.186
You know, so we have to be yeah, that's another one.

01:00:27.246 --> 01:00:31.936
I'm learning that I feel like I have to be there because I'm like I want them to get it.

01:00:31.936 --> 01:00:35.320
I there, because I'm like I want them to get it, I want you to get it, I want you to get it.

01:00:35.320 --> 01:00:38.583
And my son Patrick was just one of the things that he said that made me stop.

01:00:38.583 --> 01:00:42.088
He said, dad, he was on the phone talking to somebody.

01:00:42.088 --> 01:00:57.387
It was an issue that he was having and I'm like and say and say and say and say and say and say dad, dad, dad, so I can grow, let me.

01:00:57.387 --> 01:01:02.465
It's not, it's not a bad situation where he's about to fall off the cliff and I need to hurry up and catch him.

01:01:02.465 --> 01:01:18.125
No, it's him handling his own business, his own way, the way he know, is going to get the same results, whether the me say, and you tell them, it's like, like hey, that that he said he was, he was, he was he, he manned up a little bit.

01:01:18.125 --> 01:01:20.429
He said, dad, I got this.

01:01:20.429 --> 01:01:24.481
I said you're right, yeah, my fault.

01:01:24.481 --> 01:01:25.324
Let me back up some.

01:01:26.295 --> 01:01:27.858
That's so, shemeika cause.

01:01:27.858 --> 01:01:31.577
I would love to get a similar perspective if you have them with your girls.

01:01:31.577 --> 01:01:39.400
Like different temperaments, I love that you brought that up, like understanding what your child, the temperament of your child, is.

01:01:39.400 --> 01:01:41.364
You know, I know me and my mom.

01:01:41.364 --> 01:01:46.925
My mom is fiery, she's fiery and she go from zero to a hundred.

01:01:46.925 --> 01:01:48.971
I don't I tick my way up there.

01:01:48.971 --> 01:01:51.797
I'm not a zero to a hundred, I'm more of a zero to 10.

01:01:51.797 --> 01:01:53.079
I probably come back down to 0.

01:01:53.079 --> 01:01:54.061
Like I don't do all that.

01:01:54.483 --> 01:01:55.965
Listen, I'm going to interrupt you.

01:01:55.965 --> 01:01:58.050
Shamika got 0 or 100.

01:01:58.050 --> 01:02:01.364
She either 0 or 100.

01:02:03.356 --> 01:02:04.420
No, that's real.

01:02:04.420 --> 01:02:11.438
So it's like but my sister is the same as my mama 0 to 100.

01:02:11.438 --> 01:02:13.023
Like she can go from whoop.

01:02:13.023 --> 01:02:15.644
It's like how did we just get there?

01:02:16.088 --> 01:02:24.114
and I thought and often I find myself like you know, just hey, like, like you say, your boy, just y'all, it ain't that.

01:02:24.114 --> 01:02:26.960
Like, just chill, like it's okay, um.

01:02:26.960 --> 01:02:31.172
And so my mom, sometimes I feel like with what?

01:02:31.172 --> 01:02:38.981
Like I, like I'm cool, we don't have, you don't't have, you don't have to go, you don't have to go here with me Now with her you might have to, but not with me.

01:02:38.981 --> 01:02:40.320
I ain't like that.

01:02:40.320 --> 01:02:41.639
So hold on right.

01:02:42.096 --> 01:02:50.800
So, like that's, that's kind of how my so like, how do you, how do you manage parenting girls with different temperaments than you?

01:02:51.280 --> 01:02:51.541
Hmm.

01:02:52.485 --> 01:02:53.106
Prayerfully.

01:02:56.574 --> 01:03:01.922
And it's interesting because that is true, if you, it's just I can't say.

01:03:01.922 --> 01:03:14.643
I was always like this, but I am becoming more aware that I'm seeing them as young ladies, like if I was friends with somebody else.

01:03:14.643 --> 01:03:40.956
That's just how they click's, just how they tick, and so, hey, I'm just going to kind of do my best to try to help you see, or to offer this wisdom with kindness, like to instruct with with kindness, versus saying girl, saying girl, pull your, pull your leg down, you know it may not be something I prefer, but to say you know well what's the story behind this.

01:03:40.996 --> 01:03:54.900
You know, to actually ask the question Really concerned, versus again trying to project it boils down to a matter of respecting their space, because now they're at a place where they are free to express.

01:03:54.900 --> 01:04:04.509
And they're at a place where they are free to express and now is that a place where, if it's healthy, it's healthy expression, it's okay.

01:04:04.509 --> 01:04:12.336
Now, if it's toxic, like I have had to tell them, uh, just let y'all know I have had to tell them I'm gonna be your mama.

01:04:12.336 --> 01:04:15.786
Yeah, all you ready to do is tell me how to be something.

01:04:15.786 --> 01:04:16.407
You're not.

01:04:16.407 --> 01:04:19.099
So I have a different care for you.

01:04:19.099 --> 01:04:22.967
So if I go to a hundred, just hold on, be patient with me.

01:04:23.175 --> 01:04:24.818
Just know that it's from a place of love.

01:04:24.818 --> 01:04:27.925
I do have to remind them of that.

01:04:27.925 --> 01:04:29.356
Know that it's from a place of love.

01:04:29.356 --> 01:04:34.567
I'm not trying to demean or belittle or think that you don't know what you're doing with your life.

01:04:34.567 --> 01:04:37.340
I already know that, but it just made me panic.

01:04:37.340 --> 01:04:46.423
So there's a constant again apologizing and making sure that you give those needed disclaimers, because sometimes we don't know.

01:04:46.704 --> 01:04:47.226
That's real.

01:04:47.226 --> 01:05:00.235
No, that's really good, and I think that is something that parents at any stage have to unlearn is that you know every know everything.

01:05:00.235 --> 01:05:02.121
It's funny I joke with tyson.

01:05:02.121 --> 01:05:04.726
You know he'll be like you don't know everything.

01:05:04.726 --> 01:05:08.626
I said I know more than you and so you know but, but you know.

01:05:08.666 --> 01:05:19.440
But he is a way and I affirm, no, I do not know everything like and, and so I don't want him to ever think that adults, just because somebody is older than you, does not mean that they know everything.

01:05:19.440 --> 01:05:23.083
They might know more, but they don't know everything.

01:05:23.184 --> 01:05:26.206
And so it gives them room to have a voice to say.

01:05:26.206 --> 01:05:44.838
There are some things that you said earlier that maybe you can learn from me too, which is crazy to think you know to learn from a eight, nine, 10, you know, 15, 20, 22 year old, but that is real and we have to humble ourselves to do that, like there's so much that they can teach us.

01:05:44.838 --> 01:05:47.585
Um, I, I want to.

01:05:47.585 --> 01:05:48.327
This is weird.

01:05:48.327 --> 01:05:49.655
I feel the need to go here.

01:05:49.655 --> 01:05:59.342
I don't even know how I'm gonna set it up because it is not on the list, but and then, and then I'm going to kind of end it with just some, some, some.

01:05:59.342 --> 01:06:14.445
I will end it with a different question, but so I think I heard a statistic of 50, 51% of people.

01:06:14.445 --> 01:06:21.411
No, no, 51% of the church at this point, no, I think of Christians.

01:06:21.411 --> 01:06:27.547
Anyway, bottom line there are more single adults than there ever have been today.

01:06:27.547 --> 01:06:34.034
Right, I think the number is like 46%, and up from like 23% in 1970.

01:06:34.034 --> 01:06:35.757
And up from like 23% in 1970.

01:06:35.838 --> 01:06:47.297
So it is doubled in 40 years, 50 years, like we've doubled the amount of percentage of single people.

01:06:47.297 --> 01:06:55.599
A lot of those single people are in that age range of 30 to 20, 20, 30, 35, all of that, your kids at range right?

01:06:55.599 --> 01:06:57.724
See if I can make this make sense.

01:06:57.724 --> 01:06:58.407
Y'all bear with me.

01:06:58.407 --> 01:07:07.485
What impact does a marriage have on adult children?

01:07:07.485 --> 01:07:17.548
Um, and how do you parent through your children being in relationships?

01:07:18.655 --> 01:07:22.461
It is so good, patrick, you have anything?

01:07:22.875 --> 01:07:23.860
I'll let you go first.

01:07:26.818 --> 01:07:45.186
I think marriage plays a very significant role in shaping our children, those young adults, and I say that because let me get this disclaimer too, the marriage being toxic, because we need to talk about that.

01:07:45.447 --> 01:07:45.728
Come on.

01:07:47.056 --> 01:07:56.059
Or being healthy Toxic, like yeah, no, I'm good, I'm not signing up for that.

01:07:56.059 --> 01:07:56.981
I don't have to.

01:07:56.981 --> 01:07:57.342
Why?

01:07:57.342 --> 01:08:03.425
Because we do live in a single base society, so I don't have to put up with it.

01:08:03.425 --> 01:08:04.507
I can do it by myself.

01:08:04.507 --> 01:08:10.664
But then, by the same token, if it's healthy, you see the power of partnership.

01:08:10.664 --> 01:08:20.208
You see how healthy like you can get through life and get so much more accomplished when you have a healthy spouse in the house.

01:08:20.208 --> 01:08:23.801
What was your last?

01:08:23.801 --> 01:08:24.341
What was your next?

01:08:24.341 --> 01:08:28.658
Oh, and navigating through the relationships, yeah, I believe that.

01:08:29.019 --> 01:08:54.002
I believe that if they see it healthy right, then they are longing for that, they are anticipating, and sometimes I think that if you see a healthy relationship, they assume that it's going to be automatic for them we have had to remind our children hey, hey, hey, we had to put in work and hours, days, we had to go through experiences.

01:08:55.077 --> 01:08:58.726
Yeah, look, we have a Tempur-Pedic mattress now.

01:08:58.726 --> 01:09:03.974
But we started out on the eggshell crate on the floor because we didn't know those things.

01:09:03.974 --> 01:09:10.838
So it's like you have to go through those dark your.

01:09:10.838 --> 01:09:16.917
So we have to remind them that in your relationship, remember they're all unique.

01:09:16.917 --> 01:09:24.640
So now, if you don't see yourself going through with this person, let's say if they never change, they have somebody right now.

01:09:24.640 --> 01:09:26.802
Let's say they never improve.

01:09:26.802 --> 01:09:29.220
Are you okay with this person right here?

01:09:29.220 --> 01:09:31.140
You cannot say that.

01:09:31.140 --> 01:09:35.300
You would say I do to them right here and nothing ever changing.

01:09:35.300 --> 01:09:36.114
You gotta cut your losses.

01:09:36.114 --> 01:09:36.503
Don't say I do to them right here and nothing ever changing.

01:09:36.503 --> 01:09:37.405
You gotta cut your losses.

01:09:37.426 --> 01:09:37.947
Don't say it.

01:09:37.947 --> 01:09:38.548
That's right.

01:09:38.548 --> 01:09:43.699
One thing, shemekia what I always ask them is the person in your life now.

01:09:43.699 --> 01:09:47.479
Are they more of a liability or an asset to you, or how have they?

01:09:47.479 --> 01:09:50.957
How have you been better as a person?

01:09:50.957 --> 01:09:56.021
How have you been better as a person with them in your life?

01:09:56.021 --> 01:10:01.567
And we just sit there and we kind of listen to them going forward.

01:10:02.855 --> 01:10:11.167
And those questions came as a result of me messing up on the first two, telling them no, that's not the one, that's not the one, that's not the one.

01:10:11.167 --> 01:10:13.131
Wait a minute, that's good now.

01:10:13.131 --> 01:10:15.543
What are your thought-provoking questions?

01:10:15.543 --> 01:10:18.659
Hey, the same place.

01:10:18.659 --> 01:10:21.145
They found you or you found them.

01:10:21.145 --> 01:10:22.828
Are they still at their place?

01:10:22.828 --> 01:10:26.382
For instance, you found him.

01:10:26.382 --> 01:10:31.140
He stopped you at the bus stop Because he riding the bus too.

01:10:31.483 --> 01:10:32.185
There it is.

01:10:32.314 --> 01:10:33.460
Y'all still riding the bus.

01:10:33.720 --> 01:10:33.981
Yeah.

01:10:35.175 --> 01:10:36.536
You know years later, like no, you shouldn't be in the same too.

01:10:36.536 --> 01:10:36.627
There it is, y'all still riding the bus.

01:10:36.627 --> 01:10:39.015
Yeah, you know years later, like no, you shouldn't be in the same place.

01:10:39.015 --> 01:10:41.625
My point is that it should be some improvement.

01:10:42.297 --> 01:10:43.386
They should be better.

01:10:44.091 --> 01:10:52.081
You should be better as a result, and when their face pop up on their phone are you smiling?

01:10:52.081 --> 01:10:53.319
Or are you cussing?

01:10:53.319 --> 01:10:55.315
Oh see, I can't answer those questions.

01:10:55.315 --> 01:10:57.519
Those are the things you, are you smiling or are you cussing?

01:10:57.519 --> 01:10:58.600
See, I can't answer those questions.

01:10:58.600 --> 01:11:06.927
Those are the things you have to keep monitoring and checking your heart, because, at the end of the day, it's things going on that you have never told mom and daddy.

01:11:06.927 --> 01:11:11.332
And then the other thing that I have told them is that I'm watching from afar.

01:11:14.256 --> 01:11:19.368
I see how you light up or you don't I can see the glow, I can see the sky, I can see it.

01:11:19.368 --> 01:11:29.824
So now this is the other thing Learning that everything that I see, I don't have to say, I don't have to say everything that I see, that's good, that's so good.

01:11:29.824 --> 01:11:34.542
Yeah, I can look and be like that ain't going to be long.

01:11:35.064 --> 01:11:36.608
Girl, you know that ain't going to be long.

01:11:36.795 --> 01:11:37.699
Why would you say that?

01:11:37.699 --> 01:11:39.740
What was your reason?

01:11:39.740 --> 01:11:47.502
You just begin to again ask those self-provoking questions or you go back to that.

01:11:47.502 --> 01:11:54.798
Like I was saying earlier, you journal and you pray and say you know what, lord, I already see this is not held and I don't want them to go through that.

01:11:54.798 --> 01:12:01.655
Then the Lord may tell you this is the way for them to know about who they are, because this is who he is.

01:12:01.655 --> 01:12:14.100
We are discovering who God is, but he also want us to discover who he created us to be, and I think that this is a sidebar, but I do think that that is one of the things that we have to unlearn as believers.

01:12:14.100 --> 01:12:29.041
But I do think that that is one of the things that we have to unlearn as believers that, yes, god do want us to come to know him, but he also want us to come to know the gift of who he created us to be, and that is not a slight to him in any shape, form or fashion, I agree.

01:12:29.060 --> 01:12:33.389
So that's a double standard, because it's we at least the men in my life.

01:12:33.389 --> 01:12:44.280
It's easier for us to watch our sons go through heartaches Like, hey, man, my son got his heart broken For real.

01:12:44.280 --> 01:12:45.264
You ain't growing up now.

01:12:45.264 --> 01:12:47.698
You know what I'm saying.

01:12:47.698 --> 01:12:52.943
My daughter oh man, we got a problem, bro, especially again, it's me projecting because of who?

01:12:53.345 --> 01:12:57.399
I bro, yeah, especially again it's me projecting because of who I used to be.

01:12:57.399 --> 01:13:13.145
Especially I don't want her to meet who I used to be, because I know how I was before I got myself right, and if I see a guy that I know he's resembling how I used to be I got a problem.

01:13:13.145 --> 01:13:19.048
But as a young adult I can't do it.

01:13:19.048 --> 01:13:26.448
So I need the barbershop talk so I can say man, this little white man, he right out there, and I can say what I can say.

01:13:26.448 --> 01:13:30.649
So they can say hey, little Pat, leave that alone, because I did this.

01:13:30.649 --> 01:13:33.238
And so we get to kind of iron it out.

01:13:33.238 --> 01:13:39.582
I got to get it out, though, because if I don't get it out, and sometimes my wife just don't understand because she's like what?

01:13:39.623 --> 01:13:40.565
boo, you just got it.

01:13:41.036 --> 01:13:43.083
No, baby, I'm not praying about this right now.

01:13:43.083 --> 01:13:47.527
I don't feel like praying right now Like this is some we need to get.

01:13:47.527 --> 01:13:53.818
I need to put him in position where he can act up so we can move some furniture up, so we can move some furniture, you know what?

01:13:54.018 --> 01:13:59.304
I'm saying so again, but it's a double standard, because that's my baby girl.

01:13:59.384 --> 01:14:00.045
You know what I'm saying.

01:14:00.045 --> 01:14:02.386
And, man, I don't know what you own.

01:14:02.386 --> 01:14:06.430
You look like you own what I used to be on and I know who I am and I don't want nobody to do my daughter like that.

01:14:06.430 --> 01:14:08.132
You know what I'm saying.

01:14:11.237 --> 01:14:12.738
My son, he'll figure it out.

01:14:12.738 --> 01:14:14.381
You know what I'm not saying.

01:14:14.381 --> 01:14:15.283
Everybody's like that.

01:14:15.764 --> 01:14:17.907
I'm just saying maybe it's the circle that I've been around.

01:14:17.907 --> 01:14:19.127
Most folk are like that.

01:14:19.448 --> 01:14:20.229
That's how we think.

01:14:20.229 --> 01:14:22.801
And guess what Mothers are like that with their sons?

01:14:22.801 --> 01:14:25.082
We can spot them out.

01:14:25.082 --> 01:14:30.185
And maybe it's because of where we're from, you know the different angles.

01:14:30.534 --> 01:14:31.699
No, I think that's true.

01:14:31.699 --> 01:14:41.283
It's funny, Like, like I said, I don't this wasn't planned to talk about this, but there's just like it's really interesting.

01:14:41.283 --> 01:14:56.689
I think a lot of younger people I mean loneliness and all these statistics, mental health, they're so off the charts and and and so relationships, understanding how to pursue healthy relationships, how to sustain them.

01:14:56.689 --> 01:15:00.243
It's just it's missing, Something's missing and I don't you know.

01:15:00.243 --> 01:15:02.480
Go ahead, Come on, Come on, Come on, Come on, Come on.

01:15:04.198 --> 01:15:11.550
So in the beginning he said he said he said I don't want you to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

01:15:11.550 --> 01:15:21.061
Knowledge of good and evil I think it's in the New Testament said later on in times will come that men will call good evil and evil good.

01:15:21.061 --> 01:15:21.342
All right.

01:15:21.342 --> 01:15:29.002
So now we have a society now that they don't view marriage as something sacred anymore.

01:15:29.002 --> 01:15:41.488
I saw one podcast a guy called marriage is a business deal or a business partnership or something like that, and they've taken away or moved away from Covenant.

01:15:41.809 --> 01:15:50.860
One day our car broke down and we were riding the bus and the children on the bus acting crazy and the old lady we could tell she was kind of squirming because they were doing a lot of cursing.

01:15:50.860 --> 01:15:55.128
So I said Shemika, let's go back and let's just sit back there and talk to them, let's just get in their world.

01:15:55.128 --> 01:15:57.304
And so we just started asking questions, asking questions.

01:15:57.304 --> 01:15:58.936
She said so what about marriage?

01:15:58.936 --> 01:16:01.685
I said what about marriage?

01:16:01.685 --> 01:16:03.578
She said marriage that's for old people.

01:16:03.578 --> 01:16:06.161
So now that's a thought process.

01:16:06.161 --> 01:16:07.217
It's for old people.

01:16:07.739 --> 01:16:21.185
Other thing we look at all of the things and I did the good and evil, because men change morality depending on what they view it should be, when God already has a moral standard of how things should be.

01:16:21.185 --> 01:16:29.747
But because we have this knowledge of good and evil, we don't know, we're calling things the wrong thing and we think we're progressing, but we're really digressing as a society.

01:16:29.747 --> 01:16:37.819
So now you have in movies it used to be a point what did you get married?

01:16:37.819 --> 01:16:41.427
Or they would get married, didn't have children.

01:16:41.427 --> 01:16:46.243
Now living together is the thing to get to.

01:16:47.145 --> 01:16:50.966
Yeah, Guess what he gave me a key right.

01:16:51.650 --> 01:16:53.136
You know what I'm saying Now.

01:16:53.136 --> 01:16:53.960
He gave me a ring.

01:16:54.735 --> 01:16:56.823
He gave me a key or he gave me a drawer.

01:16:56.823 --> 01:16:58.581
Right, he gave me a drawer.

01:16:58.994 --> 01:17:04.480
It's like so that's perpetuated now so marriage is not Wait.

01:17:04.501 --> 01:17:05.123
I know drawers.

01:17:06.862 --> 01:17:14.001
So marriage is not most important, nor is it seen as important, yeah, and so you're going to have the fallout from that.

01:17:14.001 --> 01:17:16.582
It's going to be more single parents, more single mom.

01:17:16.582 --> 01:17:18.198
Last thing she made them throw to you.

01:17:18.198 --> 01:17:27.859
Isaiah warned us about this that at some point women will go to men and tell them I don't want your marriage, I just want, I just want a child.

01:17:27.859 --> 01:17:30.948
But I just want, yeah, I just want a child.

01:17:30.948 --> 01:17:33.259
Go ahead.

01:17:33.279 --> 01:17:37.497
Go ahead, if you correct me want a child, but I don't want go ahead.

01:17:37.497 --> 01:17:37.698
Go ahead.

01:17:37.698 --> 01:17:40.088
If you correct me, I was gonna say that it mentions about them not needing their riches or their wealth.

01:17:40.088 --> 01:17:45.246
They just wanted their name so that they could be protected, but not, you know.

01:17:45.286 --> 01:17:55.908
Again, it's not a relationship going to the contraction you know, yeah, contract, yeah, yeah, um, you mentioned about loneliness, you know, being single.

01:17:55.908 --> 01:17:58.822
I think that I'm not.

01:17:58.822 --> 01:18:02.731
I think that's, I think that's a type of point to what Patrick was saying.

01:18:02.731 --> 01:18:11.586
Just a decline, you know, and people, just maybe how it's perceived and projected it's not like this, I don't know.

01:18:11.586 --> 01:18:17.226
I think that that has a lot to do with the shift in the mindset of where we are.

01:18:17.226 --> 01:18:32.083
By the same token, I do think that singleness has gained this stigma of kind of like a scarlet letter, like if you're single and you're not married, then what's wrong with you?

01:18:32.255 --> 01:18:32.615
Like wait?

01:18:32.657 --> 01:18:33.298
a minute.

01:18:33.520 --> 01:18:34.363
Yeah, hold on.

01:18:34.363 --> 01:18:37.479
You're not married, then what's wrong with you?

01:18:37.479 --> 01:18:50.939
Like, wait a minute, yeah, yeah, hold on right, because, at the end of the day, if you're not married, you still should have family, you still should have some points of connection where you can still thrive as an individual, as you hopefully are pursuing to be in a marriage.

01:18:50.939 --> 01:19:00.421
Because you what to me, what happened is, is that you're rushing to a relationship, a permanent relationship, because you don't want to be single.

01:19:00.421 --> 01:19:01.703
Yeah, wait a minute.

01:19:01.724 --> 01:19:03.667
Who says singleness was bad?

01:19:03.667 --> 01:19:12.640
If you are handling that assignment because, again, it's an assignment you're handling that assignment with grace and truth.

01:19:12.640 --> 01:19:13.662
You know it's like.

01:19:13.662 --> 01:19:15.386
The reality is this is where I am.

01:19:15.386 --> 01:19:17.300
How am I supposed to conduct myself?

01:19:17.300 --> 01:19:18.524
How am I supposed to move?

01:19:18.524 --> 01:19:20.661
How can I give you glory in this space?

01:19:20.661 --> 01:19:22.936
Yes, so, yeah, so.

01:19:22.936 --> 01:19:24.422
And then this is the other thing.

01:19:24.994 --> 01:19:26.380
This all came to me today.

01:19:26.380 --> 01:19:27.664
I was reflecting.

01:19:27.664 --> 01:19:36.186
This is a sidebar, but anyway, sometimes I know that the scriptures say it's not good for man to be alone.

01:19:36.186 --> 01:19:56.545
However, I do believe let me go back I believe that we kind of rushed through the fact that Adam still had a season of aloneness before his companion came on the scene.

01:19:56.545 --> 01:20:10.769
Right, right, and so, with that being said, I think that connecting it even to parenting that it's going to be times and seasons where you have to be alone in this wilderness place.

01:20:10.769 --> 01:20:32.002
You have to be alone in this space of uncertainty or not knowing so that you can tap into what it is, who you are to be and what you are to do in this moment, so like when I come out of this space because we know that it's not going to last always, yeah, it's like OK, how do I show up?

01:20:32.104 --> 01:20:47.154
You know so, even though I think you were saying, even with the relationships, like as a parent, not rushing your children, it's like you need to get married, get out of my house Like whoa, wait a minute.

01:20:47.154 --> 01:20:54.399
Yes, the word that I picked up I don't even know if this is a real word, but I call it nestling, so they're not always empty nestling.

01:20:54.399 --> 01:20:54.551
I like that.

01:20:54.551 --> 01:20:57.801
But then you know they're not little bitty eaglets either.

01:20:57.801 --> 01:20:59.681
You know they're not just so.

01:20:59.681 --> 01:21:03.414
It's kind of like they're stretching and they're trying to gain their space.

01:21:03.414 --> 01:21:12.387
It's like give them space for grace, let them figure out, don't rush them to the next phase and don't wish them in old days.

01:21:12.387 --> 01:21:18.524
The truth of the matter is they're not little anymore and they are headed to a destination.

01:21:18.524 --> 01:21:34.061
But meanwhile, as parents, we need to be thanking God that he's allowing us to have a front row seat in this dynamic right, because it could be that you're not, you couldn't be involved at all.

01:21:34.061 --> 01:21:36.668
They could have just snatched away.

01:21:37.289 --> 01:21:45.596
I think one of the things one of the things tamika, I was hoping she would connect in terms of why they're more singleness out or single parents, whatever case may be.

01:21:45.596 --> 01:21:54.399
Um, I think part of it is because we're rushing, but the thing is because they're not.

01:21:54.399 --> 01:21:57.284
Again, the marriage is what we want to be married.

01:21:57.284 --> 01:22:02.198
Then these things happen, but they're not taking their time developing with the Lord.

01:22:02.198 --> 01:22:17.034
So if we bring back developing that, developing in my singleness, the relationship with God, it will give us more patience to wait for the right person, absolutely.

01:22:17.135 --> 01:22:19.503
As opposed to rushing in Absolutely.

01:22:19.503 --> 01:22:26.109
I really believe that we're in a generation that know not God.

01:22:26.109 --> 01:22:32.038
So because they don't know God, they're coming with their own judgment or what they think is right.

01:22:32.038 --> 01:22:40.488
So we have a lot of what we're seeing because that personal relationship with Christ is missing.

01:22:40.488 --> 01:22:48.831
To make me be okay in my singleness until I find the right one, as opposed to rushing into something, he or she is not the right one.

01:22:48.831 --> 01:22:55.828
Now I'm a single parent because I didn't wait, because I didn't find my solace in Christ and Christ alone.

01:22:56.375 --> 01:23:09.505
Which is really, I find really difficult for younger people these days is being alone and being patient and waiting and just being still.

01:23:09.505 --> 01:23:17.060
It's hard, um, it's hard for this generation to do that because that's not the way our life is set up, it's not the, it's not the world that they've grown up in.

01:23:17.060 --> 01:23:23.262
There's, you know, they, they are moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, moving, and it's like they, it's hard to know how to be.

01:23:23.262 --> 01:23:26.237
So it's hard for my generation to know that too, right, um?

01:23:26.237 --> 01:23:31.037
But I think for this, this generation, I mean, it's tough, like so.

01:23:31.037 --> 01:23:34.466
So I, I, um, I think that's good, I think that's good, I.

01:23:34.466 --> 01:23:38.398
This next question is for me, um, I'm doing it publicly because I need help.

01:23:38.398 --> 01:23:50.818
So, you know, we have a, we have a son, and I recognize that sons need something different than than than the daughters do like boys and some different than, and I also recognize that men and women parent differently.

01:23:50.818 --> 01:23:56.036
I recognize that there have been moments that I've gotten in the way of.

01:23:56.055 --> 01:23:58.380
Ty parenting Tyson as a young man.

01:23:58.380 --> 01:24:02.025
Help me and others, particularly Pat.

01:24:02.025 --> 01:24:11.226
What do wives need to do or make sure they stop doing in order to get in?

01:24:11.226 --> 01:24:15.298
That may get in the way of father's parenting sons.

01:24:16.641 --> 01:24:18.485
Yeah, shut up.

01:24:18.506 --> 01:24:34.918
I'm just about to say Noted Got it All right, Ben Got it noted, got it all right, bet, got it.

01:24:34.939 --> 01:24:36.564
I was trying to see where my wife no, but listen.

01:24:36.564 --> 01:24:41.997
Even now, as a young adult, sometimes I have to tell my wife I say, hey, hey, let me handle these men like I just hope.

01:24:41.997 --> 01:24:43.899
Just just be patient.

01:24:43.899 --> 01:24:45.641
These are, these are my sons.

01:24:45.641 --> 01:24:47.645
I want the best for them.

01:24:47.824 --> 01:24:52.751
You've seen me throughout the years handle them with love.

01:24:52.751 --> 01:24:56.565
So it's not that I don't love them, you know, I love them.

01:24:56.565 --> 01:25:05.229
I need you to just stay over there because, whatever's in me, they need to hear the voice.

01:25:05.229 --> 01:25:12.756
Hear the voice.

01:25:12.756 --> 01:25:13.157
And they don't.

01:25:13.157 --> 01:25:13.939
They don't need to hear you.

01:25:13.939 --> 01:25:20.779
Always rescue them, because now in their mind, whether they know it or not, they see okay, there's, here's the wedge I can draw or I can create between this, just how children are.

01:25:20.779 --> 01:25:25.655
Okay, let me, let me, let me ask in front of my mom the whole time.

01:25:25.655 --> 01:25:29.125
So my dad said something, my mama said something, my dad said something, my mama said something.

01:25:29.125 --> 01:25:30.667
When my dad said something, my mama said something.

01:25:30.667 --> 01:25:38.220
So really do, if it's anything I'm not saying don't say anything, but that's what pillar talk is for.

01:25:38.220 --> 01:25:41.279
Yeah, hey, you know you probably should have did that.

01:25:41.279 --> 01:25:42.202
Da, da, da, da, da da.

01:25:42.202 --> 01:25:43.185
You probably should go.

01:25:44.716 --> 01:25:46.259
Where are you coming from?

01:25:46.259 --> 01:25:53.229
I would say make sure that you seek for understanding even from your husband, because we can never know that testosterone.

01:25:53.309 --> 01:25:54.550
Yep Amen.

01:26:11.475 --> 01:26:18.751
And this is something about being especially being an African-American man and what we go through and us trying to to properly teach our sons how to navigate this world and the things that we go through.

01:26:18.751 --> 01:26:30.707
So again and I was, I was joking, I said it that way, but no disrespect, sometimes you have to really just stay silent and in that, that moment, you can't say anything to us.

01:26:30.707 --> 01:26:36.806
In that moment you really got to be talking to god, yeah, and god will talk to.

01:26:36.806 --> 01:26:40.341
He will tell us hey, listen, and then I have to go back and apologize.

01:26:40.341 --> 01:26:41.926
Some of my fault I shouldn't say it that way.

01:26:41.926 --> 01:26:43.520
Some of my fault I should have went that way.

01:26:43.520 --> 01:26:45.265
Some, please forgive me, I'm working on it.

01:26:45.265 --> 01:26:48.801
Whatever do is that's what that is you feel what?

01:26:48.820 --> 01:26:49.561
what I'm saying?

01:26:49.561 --> 01:26:56.432
Sure, so yeah, and if you know, you've actually married a really good man.

01:26:56.432 --> 01:26:59.559
I guarantee you he'll figure it out.

01:26:59.559 --> 01:27:01.122
So here's what happened.

01:27:01.122 --> 01:27:03.929
If I'm dealing with my son, this is so good.

01:27:03.929 --> 01:27:16.367
If I'm dealing with my son and you get in the way, now I have to say something to you, because I can't let him see what this little thing is.

01:27:16.367 --> 01:27:17.929
You can't even avoid me, wait a minute.

01:27:17.969 --> 01:27:19.671
Wait a minute, you can't even avoid me.

01:27:19.751 --> 01:27:22.360
Hold on baby, Hold on baby, Let me just deal with him.

01:27:22.414 --> 01:27:23.761
But I'm just saying baby.

01:27:26.099 --> 01:27:28.845
So now I got to apologize to you and him.

01:27:28.845 --> 01:27:45.725
Right, right, right, yeah, yeah, so yeah even if there's no more, if you could find a way to signal to him, signal to the husband, something like that, but to actually say anything, I think you should probably just wait.

01:27:45.725 --> 01:27:47.337
Uh-huh, pull a.

01:27:47.337 --> 01:27:48.707
Talk a little bit more ease, and then you can have a conversation.

01:27:48.707 --> 01:27:51.220
And yeah, we talk a little bit more ease and then you can have a conversation.

01:27:51.220 --> 01:27:53.721
And yeah, we'll listen.

01:27:54.435 --> 01:27:55.962
Talk to me, Shemeika, please Talk to me.

01:27:56.676 --> 01:27:58.095
So Patrick is telling the truth.

01:27:58.095 --> 01:27:59.560
That is correct.

01:27:59.560 --> 01:28:19.907
I would like to add too that you have to stay list and, because we are fixers when it comes to our children, you have to sit on your hands because sometimes, like even even though you can be quiet, but your attitude and heart posture, oh man, you like man.

01:28:19.907 --> 01:28:21.501
I can't wait till we get in the bed.

01:28:21.501 --> 01:28:24.180
I'm going to let it rip, see all of that.

01:28:25.935 --> 01:29:00.759
So it's like really working towards having a quiet settle, like know in your heart, and I would encourage any mother out there like know that it's going to work itself out, like it's designed, if let me say this if it's healthy parenting correct I think this, this is definitely a conversation that we we have had, you know, and he's been very, very gracious and patient with me, as I, you know, you know, on top of being a a, a a woman, I'm also a bonus mom, so he's not naturally my son.

01:29:00.779 --> 01:29:08.583
So there's also that layer and so, but I've had to, I've, I absolutely have had to learn how to like hey, hey, like there is.

01:29:08.583 --> 01:29:10.368
There is a difference.

01:29:10.368 --> 01:29:18.987
You can't, he ain't go do it the way you would do it Correct, and you can't get in the way of how he is doing it.

01:29:19.314 --> 01:29:21.922
So let me say so, let me add this extra thing to you.

01:29:21.922 --> 01:29:22.746
Ok, just for here.

01:29:22.746 --> 01:29:27.469
Ok, so typically, when people ask me how many children do you have?

01:29:27.469 --> 01:29:36.789
So when I, when I ask about Shamika and I meeting, I say when I first met Shameka, she was eight months pregnant with our first child.

01:29:36.789 --> 01:29:39.202
And they're like what, what does that mean?

01:29:39.202 --> 01:29:40.003
Like huh, what?

01:29:40.003 --> 01:29:43.684
And I let them figure everything else out.

01:29:43.684 --> 01:29:50.809
Yeah, but from that point so I wouldn't even say bonus, it's not a bonus.

01:29:50.809 --> 01:29:54.001
This is my son, yeah for sure.

01:29:54.001 --> 01:29:56.498
Well, when y'all got married two years ago, how old is he?

01:29:56.498 --> 01:29:58.783
Ten, huh, that's my son.

01:29:58.783 --> 01:29:59.926
Well, how does that work?

01:29:59.926 --> 01:30:00.849
That's my son.

01:30:00.849 --> 01:30:03.890
Like, there's no bonus, there's no step.

01:30:04.333 --> 01:30:04.454
Yeah.

01:30:06.880 --> 01:30:10.108
And I do as best I could to remove that.

01:30:10.108 --> 01:30:23.211
Because, remember now, even with the blending family, how do I remove all of the, how to remove any stigma in terms or any barriers between the relationship between me and my child?

01:30:23.211 --> 01:30:25.019
Well, one of the things I don't.

01:30:25.019 --> 01:30:27.606
I don't say bonus, I don't say step.

01:30:28.376 --> 01:30:29.078
That's my son.

01:30:29.560 --> 01:30:31.557
However, they want to figure it out, that's up to them.

01:30:31.557 --> 01:30:35.269
I had one guy, so I know, so I know, you know what I'm saying.

01:30:35.269 --> 01:30:37.740
You got, y'all got, five children, but how many of yours?

01:30:37.740 --> 01:30:38.643
Five?

01:30:38.643 --> 01:30:42.235
I know I'm saying about how many, how many of yours?

01:30:42.235 --> 01:30:43.417
Five, five.

01:30:43.417 --> 01:30:47.262
Now you know what I'm asking you and I'm telling you all five, five are mine.

01:30:47.262 --> 01:30:50.587
Yeah, I'm saying how many biological belong to you?

01:30:50.587 --> 01:30:51.688
All five are mine.

01:30:51.688 --> 01:30:53.149
That's all you get.

01:30:53.530 --> 01:30:53.730
Yeah.

01:30:54.695 --> 01:30:59.588
So that in terms of I just want to throw it out in terms of the parenting, that's going to help as well.

01:30:59.788 --> 01:31:01.055
Yeah it is Because, as they're growing up.

01:31:01.537 --> 01:31:03.458
They don't need to hear bonus four step.

01:31:03.458 --> 01:31:07.623
Now they'll know that they got another because you'll have that conversation.

01:31:07.623 --> 01:31:09.126
They understand that Right.

01:31:09.126 --> 01:31:15.480
But they keep hearing son, son, son, daughter, daughter, daughter, not stepson, not stepdaughter.

01:31:15.480 --> 01:31:19.560
I'm not introducing as my stepson, I'm not introducing my stepdaughter.

01:31:19.862 --> 01:31:20.543
This is my son.

01:31:21.194 --> 01:31:22.320
And every conversation.

01:31:22.320 --> 01:31:23.738
So they figure well again.

01:31:23.738 --> 01:31:24.740
Well, how does that?

01:31:24.740 --> 01:31:26.586
If y'all just got married, what was it?

01:31:26.586 --> 01:31:28.180
Let them figure it out.

01:31:28.180 --> 01:31:31.539
That's is that if y'all just got married, let them figure it out.

01:31:31.560 --> 01:31:33.085
Right, that's on them, they'll figure it out on their own time.

01:31:33.085 --> 01:31:35.813
Yeah, yeah, no, that's good, I think that's good, um, and I appreciate that wisdom.

01:31:35.813 --> 01:31:48.605
I'm, I'm, uh, um, and you know, while shamika was off screen, pat really gave me some great, great words and I think other um parents that have blended families really, really, really great wisdom.

01:31:48.605 --> 01:31:56.337
So I want to end it on this.

01:31:56.337 --> 01:31:56.979
I want to know two things.

01:31:56.979 --> 01:32:08.597
I do want you to kind of give your last kind of unlearnings that you think parents, particularly of adult children, but if it applies to any stage, but before we get there, what are things that your children have taught you that you didn't expect to learn from them?

01:32:09.680 --> 01:32:17.277
I would say that I've learned from them to like, but I don't know if this is the, just let me say it.

01:32:17.277 --> 01:32:23.608
They have taught me to trust, to trust the process.

01:32:23.927 --> 01:32:24.710
Okay, yeah, that's good.

01:32:25.336 --> 01:32:31.548
And, and not necessarily only in parenting, but just in life period.

01:32:31.548 --> 01:32:42.605
And now this is without them saying, hey, mama, you need to learn how to trust, but it's just been developing.

01:32:42.605 --> 01:32:47.868
The other thing is that life is a creative experience.

01:32:47.868 --> 01:32:54.557
Just enjoy the journey Like, be childlike, always Like it's.

01:32:54.557 --> 01:33:06.856
It's not about being perfect, it's about being there, you know, and of course, you want to mature and develop Like you should see some things get better in your own life as a parent, you know.

01:33:06.856 --> 01:33:15.162
And then the other thing too would be um, I may, I may be getting ahead of myself, but it's so.

01:33:15.662 --> 01:33:26.028
In any career, any job, you look for feedback, right, and so it's okay to ask the children how can I be better?

01:33:26.028 --> 01:33:28.121
How can I better serve you?

01:33:28.121 --> 01:33:28.523
Right?

01:33:28.523 --> 01:33:31.136
What is it that you need from me as a mother?

01:33:31.136 --> 01:33:49.649
Now they probably just going to say I don't know, but it's like if, if, if you could give me a heads up of what you thinking in your mind, like how could I better, you know, help you on your journey of becoming a young lady or going to college or whatever, whatever, whatever it is that they may be going through.

01:33:49.649 --> 01:33:57.230
But my point is it's just, it's okay for you to go to them and ask them to you to give you a grade on being a parent.

01:33:57.270 --> 01:33:57.814
That's really good.

01:33:57.875 --> 01:34:00.363
Would you give me an A, B, C, D, you know.

01:34:01.635 --> 01:34:02.815
And then take that feedback.

01:34:02.815 --> 01:34:03.237
That's good.

01:34:04.497 --> 01:34:05.359
Yeah, and and and.

01:34:05.359 --> 01:34:07.860
That was something that I would say that we did do a lot.

01:34:07.860 --> 01:34:20.252
That we did do a lot was when we would ask them for their feedback, to reassure them that they were not going to get in trouble.

01:34:20.693 --> 01:34:27.363
Yeah, Of course they couldn't cuss and all those type of things, but they could really let it rip and there would be no repercussions.

01:34:27.363 --> 01:34:32.117
Like I wasn't going to withhold a cookie or a brownie or a piece of cake or you know what I mean.

01:34:32.117 --> 01:34:33.882
Like they, they, they wasn't gonna get in trouble.

01:34:33.882 --> 01:34:35.902
No treats, you would still feed them.

01:34:36.364 --> 01:34:37.875
Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

01:34:38.076 --> 01:34:42.914
And that again, that opens up the door for them to be able to communicate Right.

01:34:42.914 --> 01:34:47.907
So, now that they are young adults, it's still some things that they hide.

01:34:47.907 --> 01:34:52.960
Young adults, it's still some things that they hide.

01:34:52.960 --> 01:35:07.720
They prefer not to say Sure, but I do believe that the line of communication has been established, that if it is something they have to talk to us about, that it's not an easy conversation, they will say hey, I need you to just listen and hear me out.

01:35:07.720 --> 01:35:12.658
You may be upset, but don't wild out, just hear me out.

01:35:13.539 --> 01:35:15.426
That has helped a lot, that's really good.

01:35:16.475 --> 01:35:16.939
Can you hear me?

01:35:17.300 --> 01:35:17.461
Yeah.

01:35:18.395 --> 01:35:28.015
So for me, a couple of things patience I've learned to just be patient with what God is doing.

01:35:28.015 --> 01:35:37.023
Or I have accepted that I have to be patient with what God is doing, or I have accepted that I have to be patient with what God is doing, even though some things I wanted to see.

01:35:37.023 --> 01:35:39.427
I didn't see it immediately.

01:35:39.427 --> 01:36:01.641
But if I just was just patient with God and what he was working with, eventually I began to see a glimpse of what God has shown me about the children, about what we've been teaching them that eventually, if you just be patient and don't rush it, don't get in the way, they'll eventually get it.

01:36:01.641 --> 01:36:04.703
The other thing is I don't run nothing.

01:36:05.435 --> 01:36:07.363
I don't run nothing, yep, yep.

01:36:07.363 --> 01:36:08.421
With a young adult you don't run nothing.

01:36:08.442 --> 01:36:08.965
You know what I'm saying?

01:36:08.965 --> 01:36:09.630
Nothing Tick run nothing, yep, yep.

01:36:09.630 --> 01:36:17.158
With a young adult, you don't run nothing, you know what I'm saying Nothing, that they're going to make their decision.

01:36:17.619 --> 01:36:25.259
Now, even if you got them sitting down and they're standing up and you push them in the chair, they may be physically sitting down, but they're standing up and they are.

01:36:25.259 --> 01:36:25.942
You know what I'm saying.

01:36:25.942 --> 01:36:28.802
I don't run anything.

01:36:28.802 --> 01:36:30.064
Allow, hand it up in their heart.

01:36:30.064 --> 01:36:31.284
You know what I'm saying?

01:36:31.284 --> 01:36:32.064
So I don't, I don't run anything.

01:36:32.064 --> 01:36:32.786
So, um, allow, allow the.

01:36:32.786 --> 01:36:34.426
This is what patients part come into.

01:36:34.426 --> 01:36:43.278
Uh, whatever decisions that they make and they've decided that they really want to make this decision, allow the process to to work itself out and and they will learn.

01:36:43.297 --> 01:36:46.944
Um, they will learn that I wish they were wise and learn from my from my mistakes, rather than being intelligent and learn from they will learn.

01:36:46.944 --> 01:36:52.994
I wish they were wise and learn from my from my mistakes, rather than being intelligent and learn from their own mistakes.

01:36:52.994 --> 01:37:01.024
But sometimes they, they choose that particular route and I just have to trust God that that it'll work itself out.

01:37:01.024 --> 01:37:04.640
My son always tell me this, and this is something I'm learning now.

01:37:04.640 --> 01:37:06.365
Is that it?

01:37:06.365 --> 01:37:12.608
There's a point in my life where it's okay to think about me first?

01:37:12.608 --> 01:37:20.617
My son said Dad, you did it, we're good, take care of you first For a while.

01:37:20.617 --> 01:37:23.905
As a child, it's always going to be the child, the child, the child, the child, the child, the child, the child.

01:37:23.905 --> 01:37:33.246
Now that they're old enough, they're saying we can do it, take care of you first and then we'll see about ourselves.

01:37:33.246 --> 01:37:36.881
So that's something that I think they've taught me and told me.

01:37:37.341 --> 01:37:41.168
Yeah, final thoughts.

01:37:41.168 --> 01:37:44.460
What other things?

01:37:44.460 --> 01:37:51.250
If there's anything else that you want to share with parents, that, at any stage that you've had to unlearn, that you feel like is helpful?

01:37:53.115 --> 01:37:55.123
I'll leave this with what I forgot.

01:37:55.123 --> 01:37:57.684
The guy was watching another podcast and he made this statement.

01:37:57.684 --> 01:38:02.386
I'm not saying every parent will go through this, but there may be a possibility.

01:38:02.386 --> 01:38:06.265
There are three stages that most parents go through.

01:38:06.265 --> 01:38:14.779
The idolized stage this is when they're brand new, up until they're about 10, and they idolize you.

01:38:14.779 --> 01:38:16.243
There's nothing you can do wrong.

01:38:16.243 --> 01:38:17.365
You're the superhero.

01:38:17.365 --> 01:38:18.978
Dad can do everything.

01:38:18.978 --> 01:38:19.900
They love everything.

01:38:19.900 --> 01:38:20.925
They love everything you do.

01:38:20.925 --> 01:38:21.927
They laugh at all your jokes.

01:38:21.927 --> 01:38:23.577
It's just, they just love you.

01:38:23.717 --> 01:38:26.822
And so that first stage is the idolized stage.

01:38:26.822 --> 01:38:32.650
Then they become adolescents, around 12 to about 25.

01:38:32.650 --> 01:38:41.639
This is what he said, so don't quote me on the actual age, but about 12 to about 25, that's a demonized stage.

01:38:41.639 --> 01:38:46.729
Nothing you say works, nothing you say they like.

01:38:46.729 --> 01:38:48.980
They can't stand you.

01:38:48.980 --> 01:38:50.125
You get on their nerve.

01:38:50.125 --> 01:38:59.320
They wish they can get at their own house, they wish they could leave, and you make me sick and I hate you if you have one of those houses, whatever it may be, but there's nothing you can do.

01:39:00.176 --> 01:39:02.744
The peers have more influence.

01:39:02.744 --> 01:39:11.380
Tv, social media has more influence, and so you're trying to autocorrect some of the things that they're going and they don't like it.

01:39:11.380 --> 01:39:12.622
You don't know me, dad.

01:39:12.622 --> 01:39:15.896
You don't understand me, mom, and that's your ways and this is mine.

01:39:16.658 --> 01:39:27.488
So that second stage, which is an extremely tough stage and that's probably a longer stage, which is the demonized stage so beginning, they idolize you.

01:39:27.488 --> 01:39:28.930
Second, they demonize you.

01:39:28.930 --> 01:39:29.546
And then, third is the realized stage so, beginning, they idolize you.

01:39:29.546 --> 01:39:29.636
Second, they demonize you.

01:39:29.636 --> 01:39:34.724
And then third is the realized stage they realize, man, mom and dad was right.

01:39:34.724 --> 01:39:49.003
Typically that happens around 30, because there's a certain maturity level that the brain gets to that they grab it, or they now have children of their own and they realize wait a minute, mom and dad was right.

01:39:49.003 --> 01:39:51.650
Mom and dad, I apologize, I, mom and dad, was right.

01:39:51.650 --> 01:39:55.899
Mom, dad, I apologize, I shouldn't have did that, mom and dad.

01:39:55.899 --> 01:40:01.135
So if you're in that adolescent stage or that young, that early young adult stage, which is the demonized part of the demonized stage, it's okay.

01:40:01.135 --> 01:40:03.256
Bear with it, be patient, don't panic, don't panic.

01:40:03.256 --> 01:40:06.179
Be more open to hear than to say Don't panic, don't panic, yeah.

01:40:06.179 --> 01:40:14.585
Be more open to hear than to say, because at some point they'll realize how much you were for them and how much you care about them.

01:40:15.506 --> 01:40:16.386
Wow, that's good.

01:40:17.747 --> 01:40:18.287
That's good.

01:40:18.287 --> 01:40:35.306
I don't know if I can come behind that, but Patrick said it well, and don't be OK with not being okay, right, like it's like remember that you're parenting a whole human being.

01:40:35.306 --> 01:40:40.083
That was assigned to you, right, and it's like I don't know what to do.

01:40:40.083 --> 01:40:41.238
Like I need help.

01:40:41.238 --> 01:40:44.042
You know it's okay to admit when you need help.

01:40:44.042 --> 01:40:52.282
Don't hide in shame and fear and thinking that you know you're the only one that this is happening.

01:40:52.282 --> 01:41:01.270
To, like, go ahead and admit and search for the help to be able to become a better parent.

01:41:01.270 --> 01:41:17.515
And I would even say, too, we say parent, but I would say that parenting is kind of along the line of coaching, like you're coaching somebody to a desired destination, right?

01:41:18.256 --> 01:41:19.016
And prayerfully.

01:41:19.176 --> 01:41:27.246
As a parent, you have dedicated your children to the Lord and you want to make sure that you pay attention to those.

01:41:27.246 --> 01:41:32.176
Pay attention to who they are, so that you can help them get there Right.

01:41:32.256 --> 01:41:33.699
At least be on the road.

01:41:33.699 --> 01:41:36.367
So if they choose to get off, that's not on you.

01:41:36.367 --> 01:41:39.994
All right, yeah, every parent that's listening.

01:41:39.994 --> 01:41:49.689
If you know you have done your part and they chose to take a detour, that does not mean that something is wrong with you.

01:41:49.689 --> 01:41:57.703
Maybe just an idea or something was presented to the child and they wanted to give it a try.

01:41:57.703 --> 01:42:07.283
If you are alive and able to kind of get a view of what's going on, just pray Again.

01:42:07.283 --> 01:42:11.576
Their ears are probably deaf to even hearing what you have to say.

01:42:11.576 --> 01:42:22.426
So make sure that you have an outlet to be able to express their frustration and a place to ask for help so that you can get through, especially the demonized stage.

01:42:22.445 --> 01:42:36.644
yeah, yeah, one thing that I always say that going through our demonized stage without children is that she learned how to pray so where they at what, uh, what they have taught us.

01:42:36.644 --> 01:42:40.936
I don't think you know if they taught us how to pray, how to see god.

01:42:41.256 --> 01:42:55.447
Yeah, during that stage oh, you know what too ra um, I think that we think that it's a textbook Like if we do everything, like we have so many apps for everything, yep, yep.

01:42:55.527 --> 01:42:56.109
Yeah, for real.

01:42:56.657 --> 01:42:57.881
You can do the one, two, three.

01:42:57.881 --> 01:43:10.342
It's like throw that out, throw that out your mind and just approach it from a creative canvas standpoint, like let's just see what this is going to become right.

01:43:10.342 --> 01:43:15.762
Healthy again, healthy approaches, but just know that it's unique.

01:43:15.762 --> 01:43:23.341
So what may work in your household may not work in my household, because the children's temperaments are different.

01:43:23.362 --> 01:43:24.104
They're different right.

01:43:24.144 --> 01:43:24.465
Right.

01:43:24.465 --> 01:43:34.538
So yeah, just give space for grace and and be okay with discovering that's good that's really good man.

01:43:34.559 --> 01:43:36.503
This is good um.

01:43:36.503 --> 01:43:46.904
Thank y'all for sharing your sharing your wisdom, um sharing your experience, your stories, um y'all are doing great.

01:43:46.904 --> 01:44:09.243
You know, yeah and I say this as an adult child uh, and and uh, I love to see the way you guys parent, like I think you know I get, I get a chance to see it up close a lot and it's like you guys are do everything and I'll say this everything that they are saying, I've seen them do wow I've seen them do.

01:44:09.283 --> 01:44:27.416
They're not just saying this, I have witnessed them do it, and so I just want to affirm your words publicly are not just words, you walk your talk, and that is beautiful and I think God is honoring that so.

01:44:27.456 --> 01:44:31.261
I'm grateful to have a front row view to.

01:44:31.261 --> 01:44:40.260
I think my parents are awesome examples, but it's always good to see others, you know, from a different perspective and learn from others, and I learned from you guys.

01:44:40.260 --> 01:44:44.358
So thank you for that man.

01:44:44.358 --> 01:44:53.355
All right, so Patrick and Shamika, everybody I don't have an applause button, but if I did, I'd push it Again.

01:44:53.355 --> 01:44:57.261
You can find them on YouTube Instagram.

01:44:57.261 --> 01:45:07.367
On Instagram His Wife Her Husband, 97 on YouTube His Wife, her Husband, and they have a podcast His Wife Her Husband.

01:45:07.367 --> 01:45:11.057
They also have a coaching business and they are dope man.

01:45:11.078 --> 01:45:17.298
If y'all need any kind of like, if y'all need help walking through life and marriage, these are the people.

01:45:17.298 --> 01:45:18.061
These are the people.

01:45:18.061 --> 01:45:20.524
As you can see, they've had a lot of all of it.

01:45:20.524 --> 01:45:24.023
They can help you out.

01:45:24.023 --> 01:45:25.201
They help me out.

01:45:25.201 --> 01:45:30.300
Just want to appreciate you guys.

01:45:30.300 --> 01:45:31.261
You guys are special.

01:45:31.261 --> 01:45:33.408
All right, y'all.

01:45:33.408 --> 01:45:40.399
We'll be back next week with more Unlearning, parenting and we.

01:45:40.399 --> 01:45:42.987
Until then, let's keep unlearning together.

01:45:42.987 --> 01:45:50.065
Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast.

01:45:50.065 --> 01:45:54.247
We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode.

01:45:54.247 --> 01:46:00.988
Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think.

01:46:00.988 --> 01:46:07.328
We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom.

01:46:07.328 --> 01:46:14.608
See you then.