Transcript
WEBVTT
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hello everybody and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast.
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I'm your host, ruth abigail aka ra, and this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you yes, you can experience more freedom.
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And, uh, I am so glad, so glad, to have back in the building my brother, my, my sister, patrick and Shemika Harrington.
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How you doing.
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All been good, alive and thrive.
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Come on alive and thrive.
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That's what I like to hear.
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For those of you that are newer to the podcast, this is not the first time they have been on the podcast.
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We've done a couple of pretty awesome conversations.
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These are truly two um, these, these are my big brother and big sister.
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They, they are, they mean so much to me.
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They have so much wisdom.
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Um, have lived a lot of life, uh, and they have a lot to give.
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One of the ways they give back is through their coaching.
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Uh, they do marriage coaching.
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So, for those of y'all that are interested in you know, thriving and leveling up your relationship, you- need to look up um who we need to look up his wife
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her husband I was getting there.
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I was getting there.
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Just give me a minute.
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Okay, I was getting there.
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Uh, his wife, her husband, they're on Instagram, they're on YouTube, um, and your information is on there.
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Is that right?
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Yeah, so, yeah, so, uh, it's kind of off a little bit, but on instagram it's his wife, her husband, 97, uh, and on youtube it's his wife, her husband, and his wife is one word and her husband is one word, and, uh, facebook is with him, same way 1997, that's when y'all got married.
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Yes, so damn they got they got married in the 90s.
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Some of y'all weren't even born in the 90s.
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Look at that.
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Oh, and we got a website wwwhiswifeherhusbandnet.
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Wwwhiswifeherhusbandnet.
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And there you go.
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Okay, so they've been married for a long time and also you know what they have five children, and you know why that's important?
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Because we're talking about parenting.
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This particular series, if you're jumping in for the first time, is Unlearning Parenting I have.
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It's weird.
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I became a parent about a little over two years ago with a bonus son who lives with us full time and I have been learning.
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Right, right you know what I'm saying.
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So some of this is going to be for me, so you know, and some of this is going to be for me, so you know some of this is going to be for people and some of it will be for both of us.
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But I've actually had a lot of people reach out to me.
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It's weird, I'm like about the thing hey, can you talk about parenting?
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It's not something that I had thought about, particularly adult parenting, which is you know where you guys are in your seasonal life, parenting adult children, which is a weird term, by the way.
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I just realized that, but like you know that, so that was that's interesting.
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So we wanted to talk about it because then, we got like different generations, raising folk that are, and it's that, but it's, it's this weird, like I don't even know how to describe it.
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Um, everything in the world is changing really fast, to the point to where I think it makes the generations feel further apart than they actually are because our lives are so different, like we're, we're, you know, even I grew up in a digital age, but I what?
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But not calling what they call a digital native, but raising a 10 year old, he's a digital native, but it's not like.
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I mean, it's not like I'm 65, right, I mean I'm in my 30 and I get it.
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I know how to, how to use it, but my mindset is very different.
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Um, and things happen so quickly, even in 10 years.
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The world that he knows is very different.
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So imagine, those of us that are older how much change we've had to figure out and go through and raise children in these rapidly changing eras.
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So let me just start there.
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Like you know so, your oldest is how old 30.
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30.
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There, like you know so, your oldest is how old 30, 30 so that she was so all right, so 30 man so in 30.
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If you don't mind, may I give all the ages, because this oh yes, let's do that, yes, all right.
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So we have five children, three daughters, two sons, and their their ages are 30, 28, 24, no 25.
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She'll be 26 this year.
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Okay, then 24 and 22.
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So that's every two years, two and a half years, so 30, between 30 and 22.
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Five between 30 and 22.
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Y'all are in the Gen Z era Y'all are like Gen Z parents all in with the Generation Z, so who's?
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Generation Z Our children.
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Yes.
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Yes, yes.
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Being raised by Generation X.
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Correct, correct, interesting right, interesting Right.
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So so like okay, let's, let's just start there.
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What is that?
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What are the like, what are just the generational differences that are that you see reoccurring on a regular basis, particularly now that there are adults, like do you see a difference between you at 22 and them at 22?
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Now I will say you mentioned something earlier that I did want to to highlight, if, if I could say, the generation like seeing them.
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Now we are in an era of automated, accelerated, so it's like it's just yeah, everything is already set, fixed and it's moving yeah before we can even catch on, we're like okay, wait a minute, wait, wait, wait wait what.
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So now, as Gen Xers, we are learning to adapt and adjust and to me, in order to be of great benefit to your children, you have to be willing to be adaptable, adjustable.
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It doesn't mean that something is wrong with what you learn, because I believe we needed that to maybe help them to be grounded and, by the same token, we need our children to help us to pick up the pace Right, and that's a part of bridging that gap in other generations.
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Okay, and I think our children caught the last in terms of education.
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Like, our children know how to write in cursive, we taught them how to write in cursive.
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Huh, okay.
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Today's generation.
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I don't think that learning how to write in cursive is necessary, because you can just X or click a box or whatever and the system will create its own signature and you can say, yes, I'm cool with that signature, but.
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But our children caught the last part where they actually physically had to learn how to write.
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When I'm growing up, there's no clicking at all.
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Everything is even when you're.
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When you're doing life insurance or whatever documentation comes, a person will physically come to your house.
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Right, yeah.
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Now, when I'm doing life insurance, I don't even have to be in the house with you.
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Yep, I could just do a Zoom call and we'd go from there.
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So those are a lot of differences, I think, even though it's kind of out of the kind of a little bit of ways, but it is still kind of given how they're they're learning now, as opposed to how we learned.
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Yeah, coming up, you know what I'm saying.
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So how does that?
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How does that impact how you teach them?
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Hmm.
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I have opted to slow down.
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I have opted to slow down.
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I have told I have stopped apologizing so much, for how can I say like being old fashioned?
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Okay.
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Okay, and so doing my best as a mother to still drop little nuggets within this generation so that it doesn't get lost.
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Give me an example.
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All right, so you know everything is digital, it's you know, online, kind of like what Patrick was saying.
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But I still journal, like actually use pen and paper, and I teach them to do the same, like don't miss the art of putting it on, putting ink and paper together.
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It makes you slow down and rest.
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It's less distraction.
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It's not to take away from the app, because the notes app is good.
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Don't neglect.
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You'll use those skills that you have learned and acquired because that's your advantage over maybe the next generation.
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That's good, that's really good, that's really good.
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It's more so teaching or showing them that it's all advantages yes still being flexible and adaptable again to be able to intercept and disconnect, because that's where our sauce is I think jim ron said something.
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Uh, I said this last time that to think is to put it in ink.
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And so we encourage them in terms of writing something down because, for whatever reason, it crystallizes and I'll tell them that I don't know why, I don't know how it works, but for some reason it crystallizes better when you physically write.
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So, even when I'm talking to them, I'm saying you know, take notes or you know, write down your vision or write down your goals.
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Don't type it Like don't type it don't put it in the keyboard, and so I am encouraging them.
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You can do that, but do it this way first and just like, go with it and see how that feels, and then there's feedback.
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You can have a conversation.
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You know, did you like it better?
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Whatever my son was taking his test for, to get his I think it was his private pilot, his private pilot license, and he was just going with the digital part and I said do me this one favor, just work with me, just do me this favor.
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I want you to try it this way.
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The way you were doing wasn't working.
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Try it this way for me.
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Let's just see, let's just figure it out.
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I said write it down, write the stuff down.
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And because he tried it and tested and it proved to be true, it proved to work he's doing it now for all of the other tests that he has to take in his flight school.
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Yeah, so so I like what you say.
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You said, let's just try it.
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It wasn't a demand or a command right.
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You didn't say it in that way and I think you know, I think one of the things, that one of the transitions, I say this, I say this on the child side of things, not- the parent.
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I haven't paired an adult child but I've been one and I've been an adult child underneath my parents' roof and I remember there was one day I came inside and, god bless it, my mom is dynamic, and so when she's frustrated, you know it.
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And so I came into the house and something was out of place and there's nothing that she hates more.
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Let's get into it Right.
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Something's out of place.
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I walk into the house I'm coming from work and she just goes in and I'm like yo, like like what?
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And I immediately felt like I was 12, right like, I was like, but I said hold on.
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You grown and so I.
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So I had to.
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And I said in a very respectful I said, mama, I'm about to go upstairs.
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I don't know what you, what you're talking about, but when you get to a place where we can just have a conversation, I can help you.
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But I said I can't do this.
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I can't do this right now it came in a very commanding, demanding kind of way, and so I imagine for my mother, as it would be for a lot of parents, that making that transition from a command to a conversation has to be hard.
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Like, is it hard?
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And if so, what makes it hard?
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It's hard on a parent because we've been used to saying it one way.
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Yeah.
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And we have to make the transition in our minds that they're grown, they're not on their own, but they're grown.
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Or my wife said you ain't really grown until you're on your own, so that they are adults.
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They're not grown until I'm gone.
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Okay, my fault.
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I'm gone, glory, and I say that, and I say that because it's not to say that I'm trying to run their life, but the truth of the matter, as long as we are here as parents, we still here to help, train and help you where you are.
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So the assignment really is never complete.
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If you're a good parent.
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If you're a good parent, then throw 18 out the window, Right.
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That's what.
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I thought, when they get 18, they're on their own.
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That's what I thought.
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No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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When they get 18, it starts like real parenting starts because you can't really give, you can't.
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I'll say it this way you can't force rules and regulations on them anymore.
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Now, if they're in my house, I do have a standard and rules and regulations.
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But check this out I can't make you stay here.
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I cannot physically force you to stay, which I know is probably a better place for you to be, but I can't make you do that.
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But I can set these things, these standards, in place that I hope you would be considerate about what's going on in the house that I am the father of, you know what I'm saying.
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When did you, when did you come to that understanding that I like what you said, real parenting doesn't start until they turn 18.
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I think that's interesting and I'm curious as to how many people would agree and how many people disagree.
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Because you can't, you don't know, you don't know what your, what your, what you have actually put in them until it's tested right, until they are, until you no longer can hold them.
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So it's like when did that come?
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When did that realization come to you?
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Let me, let me lob it.
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I'm going to give her a lob, I bet.
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I'm going to let it rip.
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My oldest, my oldest, decided that she wanted to go and live with a guy that that I know, I know was not for her.
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Knew.
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I knew, come on, past tense, come on.
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I knew wasn't for her.
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Okay.
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And it took me a minute because I'm going through and part of me wanted to make her stay, but then I realized I can't, although I know this joker is not right.
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Legally.
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I can't make her stay.
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If I make her stay, I am against.
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I'm going against the law now, and that would be kind of like kidnapping my own daughter to do what's right, and I can't do that.
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Yeah, that took me.
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That made me say wait a minute, hold up.
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This is a new space for me.
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This is a new process, because what was happening, her choice and my convictions were colliding and at that point I had to respect her choice.
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But I had to get her to understand I need you to respect my convictions.
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And she decided well, hey, I like my choice better than your conviction.
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Wow.
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She literally our child literally told us because we were like maybe we're bad parents, maybe we didn't do it right.
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We're going through our.
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What did we go wrong?
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She said no, you guys are good parents.
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I just don't want what you're teaching.
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You don't want to do it.
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Pause, pause, pause, pause.
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Because that right there, I think you're helping somebody.
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I really do, because somebody has heard that and don't know what to do with that, right?
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What do you do when your child rejects what you've taught them?
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Yeah, I got some information.
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What you've taught them?
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Yeah, shemika, take it from there.
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I respect it.
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You keep going.
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I respect it Now, face to face.
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Hmm, you know what?
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I respect it.
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That's nice, hey, and then I can do it by respect.
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I appreciate you telling me Now, later on that night, when it's just Shemika and I, I'm crying, I'm bawling, I'm praying, I don't know what to do.
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Like God, I need help in this area.
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What did I go wrong?
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So fortunate, and I'm beating myself up, but at the same time, I had to to her or to the child, I had to just say I respect it.
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Behind the closed doors, when me and my wife in the bedroom, I'm bawling, crying because I know what she's about to face with this decision, I thought you were going to say something.
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That was the same thing I was getting ready to say.
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You have to you, you, you learn to respect their choices, and that is a part of that young adult parenting.
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It's actually where you now have to begin to flesh out what you have actually taught before them.
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You know, it's like you know this.
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This is the moment that we were, we've been trying to get you to.
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This is the whole.
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Benchmark.
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This is the moment that we were, we've been trying to get you to.
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This is the whole benchmark.
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This is the ta-da Right and so when they finally do make the decision or the choice, and they are fully aware of the consequences that come with it, then you step back and you give them.
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You give them the option, and then, and then, this is the other thing.
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Now you have to go back and you have to assess okay, how am I going to fit still in this role, because I still love my baby I remember holding you, I remember telling you I remember getting you through and I am not do my.
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We have to do our best to say, OK, how, how can I stop this investment from dying or coming to an end?
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This is not how I pictured it.
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This is not the dream.
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This is not the return on investment that I dreamed about.
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So now how are we going to now fit into this whole scheme of things?
00:18:40.191 --> 00:18:42.263
That looks like being quiet.
00:18:42.263 --> 00:18:45.752
That's different, because as a mother, I always had a say.
00:18:45.900 --> 00:18:46.240
And.
00:18:46.382 --> 00:18:48.429
I always had my way so to speak.
00:18:48.840 --> 00:18:56.248
Like this is how I want the dishes and this is how I want you to show up and these are the clothes you're going to wear and these are the people you know you're going to be with.
00:18:56.248 --> 00:18:57.942
But now it's like you know.
00:18:57.942 --> 00:18:59.384
No, I want to give this a try.
00:18:59.384 --> 00:19:04.732
It's like OK, making sure that we continue to send a text message.
00:19:04.732 --> 00:19:06.275
When they don't want to hear our voice.
00:19:06.275 --> 00:19:10.310
It's when they don't respond to the text message, you still send up a prayer.
00:19:10.310 --> 00:19:14.751
You talk less to them and more to God about them.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:16.223
I was hoping you was going to say that.
00:19:16.946 --> 00:19:19.686
That's good, and so parenting this is the thing.
00:19:19.686 --> 00:19:28.492
I know that we say I'm not making the podcast spiritual, but this is the song.
00:19:28.492 --> 00:19:30.635
We spiritual people Go ahead Good stuff.
00:19:30.635 --> 00:19:42.371
So when we say Heavenly Father, we say it, but we don't really think about the role of him being a parent to the world.
00:19:42.371 --> 00:19:51.068
Yeah, these beautiful people, nation, nationalities, cultures, eras all of that.
00:19:51.068 --> 00:19:53.928
He is the ultimate parent.